Need supportive words...

[[al...]]

Hi Becks,

No, it is the joint formed at the connection of the sacrum and ilium. If the connective tissue is torn, worn out or overly stretched the ilium becomes hypermobile and moves out of place causing all kinds of discomfort.

[[bl...]]

Just stopping in to see how everyone has been doing. I recently had a really bad spell where it felt like I was back in acute. I didn't sleep for three days, but I seem to have returned at least to my former pattern of sleeping for 4-6 hours and then 2-3 more of broken sleep. I wake up a lot, maybe dozens of times a night, but I think this will resolve in time.

 

It's always so scary when I stop sleeping. I have to remind myself that it's only temporary and it will return, and it does, eventually. I think it's just crazy the way insomnia causes such a deep-rooted trauma. Before all this, if I had a sleepless night or two, I never thought twice about it. I knew I would fix it and be back to my old self with little delay, but now a sleepless night brings all those fears rushing back.

 

Last night was perhaps one of the best nights I've had in a while, so hopefully I'm once again on the mend.

[[Si...]]

Hi bland, I'm still doing pretty good. I still occasionally have some off nights, but they are getting less and less now. I was where you are now at one point. It will slowly get better for you I think too.

[[bl...]]

Thank you for your encouragement. I figure it will too. This recent wave was a doozy, but it seems like it's clearing up.

 

I want to sleep through the night. The frequent wakings are annoying. My sleep was doing well for a time, I was typically only waking two or three times (that I knew about) but now it seems I wake every 20 minutes. I'm still not dropping into deep sleep and last night is the first night in I don't know how long where I actually remember having a dream. It's just so weird.

[[al...]]

Hi Blandthrax,

My sleep is not normal yet and it doesn't take much to set off a bout of insomnia. Normally I get pretty good sleeps, but I always wake up within the first 2 hours and then often have a lot of dreams for the remainder of the night. Last night I had a bit of a bad time with sleep. What surprised me was how badly I took it. You would think that it would be no big deal after all that I had been through earlier, but it was like a PTSD flashback or something. The experience left me tired and in a really bad mood all day long. I think that normal sleep is now just acceptable sleep. It may be a long time (if at all) before good sleep becomes something that just happens without having to think about it.

 

I think that we can all relate to this.

[[bl...]]

Sleep the past two nights has been as you put it "acceptable". It's weird right now how I have no dreams. In many ways, that's somewhat normal for me. I've never had a lot of dreams until I got off benzos, of course. It is encouraging, in a delayed kind of way, when I first started tapering and went through acute, I had the worst, most awful, vivid dreams. Beyond that, I have been sleeping though I don't feel well rested.

 

I've been researching lately how gut bacteria plays a role on mood, producing neurotransmitters, and perhaps even affecting how we sleep. It makes a lot of sense to me, I often wake up with a stomach ache and intestinal distress, I don't normally even feel hungry until late afternoon. I've always wondered why mornings are so hard. I've noticed that I will usually feel anxious or depressed for no reason and my stomach will hurt. So, I'm going to try a probiotic and see if that helps my mood and sleep.

 

I know benzos did a number on me, but I also realized that in the years leading up to this, my diet was overwhelmingly poor, consisting largely of sugary and processed foods. Over the past year, while my diet has improved, I've not really done anything to heal my gut. I feel it's worth a shot. If it helps lift my mood, great, if it gives me improved sleep, even better.

[[wa...]]

Hi Bland -- I think probios are worth a try but start with very, very small amount.  There is alot of discussion out there about them. Some think its alot of hype.  Some say that they are only useful following antibiotics.  Some say you should just increase fermented foods in diet -- like sauerkraut, etc.  Good luck with this. 

I am starting a different probio which is showing some promise for folks like me who have immune probs called Miyarisan from Japan I think.  I've rotated through all types and can't tell if they help or not really.

 

Right now mornings are hell whether I sleep or not.  I am really tired of feeling this way.  I am putting off worrying about whether or not this will get better since I read this is  common sx.  I have been suffering in the AM for years now - on and off the drugs.  I wish I knew if there was a way to reduce this poisoned sensation.  WBB

[[bl...]]

Yes, there is a lot of conflicting information out there. I know though that I haven't felt well for a long time. I wake up with headaches, poor concentration, nervousness, and my digestion is downright distressing. So, I think it's a mixture of a lot of things, probiotics, fermented food, and simply eating more raw, unprocessed foods. While I'm not wholly convinced healing my gut will in turn heal my sleep, I do think it could go a long way towards helping me feel more well and productive.

[[al...]]

Nothing bad can every come from eating more healthy (except for a lighter wallet). A few years back I went on an intense 10 month long diet that restricted my meals to just a small handful of items. The diet was an attempt to control an autoimmune disease without medications. I lost a lot of weight and my blood numbers tested out to be as good as they could possible get. It was an eye opener, but I could not maintain the eating restrictions any longer. Once off the diet, the flood gates got stuck open and I went back to where I started a couple of years later.

[[bl...]]

I've done my best to maintain a somewhat healthy diet throughout all this, but as I've gotten better and further away from my jump date, I've slipped back into old dietary habits. I can't say for certain that diet is the only answer but I do think it's a big one. I've made big changes including eliminating sugar and caffeine, so at the moment, it's tough to figure out if that's what's making me feel so off. Sugar withdrawals are said to take two weeks for many people.

 

There are quite a few articles out there, which indicate that gut problems can lead to many of the symptoms I'm exhibiting including depression, anxiety, lack of concentration and focus, headaches, and so on. It can't be benzos at this point, not nearly 8 months after the fact.

 

The point is, I feel strongly if I can clear up these issues, my sleep might follow suit. It's good that I sleep, which indicates to me that I've gotten through any benzo-caused issues. Maybe there's still some healing to go (it can after all, take up to two years to truly recover), but clearly there are other issues I can address in the meantime.

[[al...]]

In a burst of optimism I wrote my success story awhile back. Things were going pretty good and I decided to simply no longer think about any stray bad nights. Now my sleeps have been getting progressively worse and I seem to be temporarily back where I was over 12 months ago. I don't know if this is a late stage wave or if my prolonged good period was just a long lasting window. As bad as things were in the past, at least I sort of good used to my insomnia since memories of good sleeps had faded. Now that I have been reminded about how much better life is after a good sleep, it really sucks to not have it. I am hoping that this new bad period is shorter lived than my recent good period.

 

It sure would be nice to know just what is going on in our brains during protracted withdrawal.

[[mu...]]

I am starting to think I will never sleep "normal" again.

 

My sleep is on and off.  I will have a good week of 6-7 hours then a bad week of 4 hours sometimes less.

 

Oh well at least at this point in the game I dont have the anxiety I used to have and I can function mostly normal except my head is constantly tired and my eyes burn......

 

Hoping the new year brings us all better results!! 

[[bl...]]

In a burst of optimism I wrote my success story awhile back.

 

I wrote mine at month 5 and I feel fine with it. There are many who say that they won't write theirs until they're 100% but for me, I successfully got off benzos and I'm staying off and there was no need to delay the inevitable. I could've written it at day 2 or day 2000, still wouldn't make a difference. The result is the same and fact is, I'm actually still getting better despite the hiccups. Doesn't matter, I'm off the drugs.

 

I am starting to think I will never sleep "normal" again.

 

My sleep is on and off.  I will have a good week of 6-7 hours then a bad week of 4 hours sometimes less.

 

Oh well at least at this point in the game I dont have the anxiety I used to have and I can function mostly normal except my head is constantly tired and my eyes burn......

 

Hoping the new year brings us all better results!! 

 

I don't even know what normal is, maybe it was never normal. I know I took it for granted, but for what it's worth my sleep has returned over the past 3 days. I've logged a pretty solid 7-8 hours over the past three nights, some dreams, far fewer wakings. Last week was crazy stressful and probably why my sleep fell off a cliff, things have settled down and now I'm starting to feel less strung out. It's almost like sleep is a muscle and the more I exercise it, the stronger it becomes. All I know is that I've been getting crazy tired at night ... actually I'm tired all day but I'm not getting that weird uptick in energy at night like I usually do.

[[al...]]

Some nights it is very obvious when we don't experience normal sleep. I don't know what normal sleep means anymore, but I do know that the definition does not include taking hours to fall asleep and then only having short shallow dream sleep for the rest of the night. More than likely, the "normal" sleep that I remember from long ago is being replaced by new normal. I am not a kid anymore and I read that older folks tend to not spend nearly as much time in deep restorative sleep as when they were younger while spending more time in R.E.M. sleep. It is also possible that healing from a withdrawal will never be 100%.

[[bl...]]

Sleep will never be like it was when we were teenagers. I'm only in my 40s though, so I've still a ways to go before I experience a true decline. I'm fine with assimilating with this new normal, as long as it is consistent. When I have nights like last week, it brings all that PTSD roaring back. At any point prior to the great insomnia period, a couple of sleepless nights would be a minor annoyance, now they're enough to send me into an anxious tizzy. It's surprising still just how easy it is for me to feel like "I'm never going to sleep again" or "I'm doomed" and then I get back to it and I don't think any more about it.

 

I'm not even really sure what 100% means. If it means being like I was before benzos, then I don't want that. Who I was before benzos got me into this. If anything, I think the passage of time will dictate what 100% feels like. I know this isn't it, but I'm also strangely aware of just how little remaining issues I have to sort through. Like for example what I'm dealing with right now with my diet and getting off sugar. I could've never done this while I was tapering or in withdrawal because I had to keep myself comfortable. Sure, I ate rather healthily and exercised every day, but if I pushed things too far, the blowback was intense.

 

Now, I find I can finally take those final steps. Sure it's hard, but it's a lot easier than tapering off benzos. I think so-called normal sleep is just a matter of time. In another year or two, this will all be a fading memory.

[[Si...]]

Hi aloha and others. I had a few periods of feeling fine and then get hit with a wave again. I'm sure you'll get back to where you were before. I know it sucks feeling good for a while and then have a set back.  I agree that we may not ever be 100%. I guess time will only be the judge of that.

[[al...]]

It is interesting that we all seem to be having a return of bad sleep after a fairly good stretch. I guess that recovery takes longer than originally thought and that we are all going through the same process. Goes to show that people share more similarities than differences.

[Guest [Th...]]

when you guys hit bad patches, how much sleep are you getting?  I still get a lot of zero nights and have never had an 8 hour regular night since jumping off of benzos.  I am worried that I will never heal, especially since you guys are 18 or 30 months out and still having issues?  This sucks and that thought is scary. 

[[wa...]]

I'm not sleeping either.  It makes me wonder if it is season changing? Sunlight is changing? (not just amount but color/spectrum)  I don't have much of a life so I try to accept it but if I have obligations I don't sleep much at all.  WBB

[[al...]]

when you guys hit bad patches, how much sleep are you getting?  I still get a lot of zero nights and have never had an 8 hour regular night since jumping off of benzos.  I am worried that I will never heal, especially since you guys are 18 or 30 months out and still having issues?  This sucks and that thought is scary.

 

Although we are still experiencing bad sleeps, we also are able to have decent sleeps. That makes a really big difference since it does not wear on you like continued poor sleep does. Eight hours of deep sleep may still elude most, if not all, of us, but the sleep that we do get is often enough to function on while feeling fairly normal during the day. Anything more is a bonus.

[[bl...]]

when you guys hit bad patches, how much sleep are you getting?  I still get a lot of zero nights and have never had an 8 hour regular night since jumping off of benzos.  I am worried that I will never heal, especially since you guys are 18 or 30 months out and still having issues?  This sucks and that thought is scary.

 

Well, I'm only 8 months out, so it's not that big an issue for me. I don't think I'll even be around here at 18 months, let alone 30 (jeez I hope not). That said, bad patches are usually the nights where I toss and turn though to be fair, I would consider last night poor ("bad" is when I don't sleep at all) and I still feel like I slept enough. Oddly, and I've seen others with this same experience, the nights where I sleep solid, I feel like crap the next day, and the nights where I seem to toss and turn and dream a lot, I feel alright.

 

The thing is, I don't honestly feel like this is benzo-related at this point. Sure, the PTSD and and fear are definitely left-overs from them, but I've clearly proven to myself that I can sleep and sleep well at times. My girlfriend, for example, doesn't have a benzo history, and she sleeps even worse than I do, and she's 12 years younger. At this point, I believe it mostly comes down to factors like stress, exercise, diet, and sleep hygiene.

[[Si...]]

I haven't missed a full night in nearly a year. So a "bad" night for me now is getting 4 or 5 hours or waking up a bunch of times throughout the night. This only happens every few months now. So the problems are becoming more spread out and less noticeable as time goes on. And this is coming from not sleeping at all for 2 to 3 days straight or every other night for months at a time. Give your brain some more time to heal. You'll get there too. Everyone here has been through exactly what you are going through now. So we understand your exhasperation.

[[bl...]]

I agree with Siggy here, and our patterns are fairly similar. I also will have 2 to 3 bad nights, like I did last week, and then a string of good to fair nights.

 

Patience is key with all this. My sleep is kind of all over the place right now, but the important thing is I sleep.

 

Last night I turned the light out and laid there for what seemed like hours, got up finally around 1 for a few minutes, went back to bed, and fell asleep hard, woke up again around 4, peed, went back to bed, fell asleep hard and woke again around 7:30.

 

No, it's not a "full night's rest" but hell, if I venture back to this time last December, I wasn't sleeping at all. I've resigned myself to this new "normal" because if I fight it, I just make everything worse.

[[Si...]]

I screwed up. Drank a bunch at our work Christmas party like an idiot. Huge hangover the next day, but slept like a brick for two nights. Last night, I couldn't sleep at all. This is the first full night I've missed in almost a year. Hopefully my old pattern won't come back. Lesson learned the hard way. Hope all of you are doing well though.

 

[[al...]]

Siggy,

That sucks! Perhaps you didn't sleep because you slept so deeply for a couple of nights and just wasn't very tired. Maybe you just are not used to having so much of that wonderful sleep. Hopefully your setback is a short lived one. I have been wanting to have a drink for a long time, but am too afraid of what it would do to my GABA receptors. Since I can't drink I have been craving a little weed, but it has been so long since I had any that I am trying to resist that as well.

 

My sleep has abandoned me for the past month and a half or so. I have been having far too many crappy nights and the better nights have been nothing to be thankful for. It all started with a back injury, but I have no idea why I am still not sleeping. It's 3 am and I got sick of tossing and turning so I am on my computer instead. Next week at this time I will be getting up to fly all day to Chicago where we will be moving around sleeping in other people's homes in less than ideal sleeping arrangements. Maybe I am worrying about that too much and that is contributing to my current lack of sleep.

 

I am pretty sure that all of our benzo/z-drug induced sleep problems are not a life-long sentence, but in these wee hours of the morning I sometimes find my hope fading a bit.

 

Happy holidays and blissful sleep to you.