[Gr...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Hi Cindy I think for me at month 10 when I had that really bad wave, I was so scared, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was not gonna be healed by month 12-- I also thought that I would be healed by then. I cried and threw a big temper tantrum and then realized that no amount of crying would change anything, no pill to take it all away , there was nothing that was gonna heal me except time. It comes down to one word --acceptance..... And I think we all come to this point at different stages in our recovery. You will come to a point one day that you will have more peace about it. Hugs to you my friend, jenny Hi Cindy, I can't say this any better than Jenny did. Acceptance, make peace with the healing process. I still can't figure out if this happened when the sx got more tolerable, or if I just became more accepting through my own process. Probably both. It gets easier and you get better at it. Hang in there. And this is a really good place, right here, to laugh and cry and scream and yell -- we've got everything Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Good Morning ... The "fear of being alone" has been there for many of us. I still feel "vestiges" of it sometimes. For me it was connected to "what next" and "what if" ... and as with many others it gradually falls away ... Tough day for a while yesterday ... was able to do some "relaxation practice" and some things settled down. Another decent sleep and right now things feel "active" again ... For me, right now, this may be connected to "how my body feels" ... after the storm there is often some "clean up" to take care of ... Have a good Monday ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Sk...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Green and Sky, that is so awesome that you are both about to celebrate your year! Nova just had his! Just amazing! Bet it seemed like you would never get there! You guys are doing so great! Yes, GMIT, it's wonderful, it does actually happen at some point, and you're right behind us! Thanks for the thumbs up. I was trying so hard to post you a "gone fishing" image, and I still can't figure out how to get the damned picture on! LovingMother gave me very detailed instructions, and I can't figure it out Anyway, happy to hear that you get some fishing in! Green, until you figure out I will post this little fishy that gives the picture ! http://i59.tinypic.com/x4rqdl.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Sk...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Hey Guys, I am always reading this thread, seeing you all make progress, makes me realize I will, too. I usually don't check in much, can't find the right words. For some crazy reason, I thought by 6 months I would see major improvement, and that did not happen. Now at 7 months CT, I was hoping for 12 months recovery, but realistically reading many posts, it looks like healing is really more in the range of 18-24 months. You all seem to have accepted this time frame......I keep fighting it. And it does wear me out. How did you all reach this point where you are more accepting of the extended recovery time, you all seem to be more at peace with the process than I am. Any advice for me? Sky, I so understand that "fear" of being alone, My husband travels out of town on business, and I am alone 3 nights a week. What I fear I don't even know? I have lost my job over this, I lost me. I never had anxiety, depression, panic before I CT. Anyway, what I have done when alone, is I usually wait 15 minutes and if my fear and panic does not eave, then I call my daughter or friend, that helps calm me down. I let them know when I am alone, I have no family close by, so the phone is what I use. Akways, cindy CIndy, there are no shortcuts for acceptance. I worked on this so long, I had read Matt's benzopedia, you see and most of the trick to deal with symptoms involved acceptance. How did you get this fabled acceptance ? It isn't a place you go logically. You understand it but that isn't enough. I got there slowly, the minute I realized my symptoms were here to stay for a long time. It is a process against which I still struggle now and then, if my expectations are slighlty higher for a deadline. You will get there, don't worry and you will be so much stronger. About fear of being alone. I forgot to mention that only now, after almost 12 (yay !) months, am I starting to close the bathroom door for anything !! :-[ I may never get my sex life back after this ! But who cares ? What I have now is priceless ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ga...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Nova...that fear of being alone has been an issue of mine since childhood. I lost my mom when I was 16 do to cancer. Certainly felt alone then. I always had friends, not many and I was more of the one who wasn't the partier and the outgoing one. I always envied those who could socialize and make friends easily. I always felt kind of isolated and alone..sometimes even when out with friends. Not sure why. Well, I still feel this way today. I have a small family, wife and two kids. I love my kids, but they are in their early 20's and busy with their lives. Most of my time is spent with my wife. Have some friends I play gold with once a week. Other than that not really any close friends. I fear being alone if something happens to my wife. It's a pervasive feeling and very hard to shake at times. How would I manage alone...almost a feeling of forboding. Still trying to figure out how to deal with it....day by day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Co...] Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 Back in acute. After 2 days of wide open windows last week ....A total anxiety / panic on Sunday. Much like Nova 's experience that took him to er. ...I woke up $unday morning with fierce nausea, pounding heart fear and of course elevated b/p. The last 2 days have been more of the same.. add insomnia and tinnitus that is up.a few notches and non-stop... .....At just a few days shy of beginning month 12 I am both terrified ( again) and utterly discouraged Crying crying crying...so afraid that I am ending up protracted...So worn out by this. My baseline was holding so well I would have pretty much settled for continued good baseline. ......I am so sorry for the bleak post...I truly felt that I was at a place where I could function and handle the "off " days and begin to put a few more pieces together...now I feel exactly like I did in months 4 and 6..... .....Well after that awful post I am wishing all a much much better day . ...I am hoping for a turn around.....love to every one of you....coop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[ga...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 So sorry to hear you're having a difficult few days. I can tell you, from my experience, I went through this many times. For me it was the anxiety and insomnia that would come out of the blue. I'd be doing well, not many stressors, and then blindsided by these sxs. Hang in there...it will get better! We all can all relate to the frustration you're experiencing. One day at a time...and this too shall pass!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[wh...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Hi everyone Nova you sound better...even though its still so up and down. Sounds like you had some fun clear-minded hours..Ahhhhhh.... Life....Hi good to see you and thanks for the positivity....you sound great. Peace... I hope you feel better. I don't get that particular sx but I can imagine what it would be like. I myself just feel a paralyzing fear of everything and nothing..... SkyH....I don't like to be alone without my guy. It's hard when he goes to work in the day sometimes. I just try to stay distracted. My fear is not so debilitating lately....so greatful for that... I had a good weekend; almost an effortless mind; I'd say 80 percent. My first experience with this improvement so very tentative about it.....It was so nice. It has left me this morning...makes me sad. I'm only at 6 months though and I have to remind myself that it will not just go away overnight. Have a good day everyone. By the way has anyone used Neo-Citron with bad effects going through this??? I had to take some last night because of a cold/flu and I feel the old Grimm feeling pretty bad today. I know we are so sensitive to everything..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[wh...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Hey Coop I just saw your post. So sorry girl I bet it leaves a lot sooner than before and you will be feeling better this afternoon. This up and down stuff is so disconcerting.. try not to feel to scared...I'm like that myself today After those really good days falling back it so hard......its ok. It will be ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Co...] Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 Thanks Garton and Whoot. It is reassuring to read your words.. I got the dog out for a nice walk and that helped. ..still scared but have a little better grip. .Working on n enduring and accepting and calming......so sorry for the dismal post...hoping you are right. This will pass. I am like you Garton...the physical s/x send me right over the cliff. My b/p has been so good for months. I have propanolol I can take and I did ...it makes me dizzy but it brings my b/p back into line... ......thanks again...what else can we do except keep moving forward no matter what. coop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[dr...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Hey Coop...hang in there. This will pass as it always does but I know it doesn't feel like it. I was where you were last week. OY! What a cruel msitress this process is . Whoot-sorry your window closed but I am glad you got to experience one. It really helps when we get a reprieve to recharge our brain/body for the next assault. I am scheduled for a flu shot this am but I am skipping it. I never had more than sore muscles and a headache from it befoe but I am not chancing it only 6 months out. I am feeling okay right now. No DR or anything else. At work with my cup of coffee. I have been having crushing exhaustion. I feel like a little kid who needs his nap every 4 hours. It sucks and I get very cranky which aint good Hope everyone else is feeling better as the day progresses or finishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 So sorry to hear that Coop! I hope your window opens quickly! Drew, I'm skipping the flu shot this year to! Don't want to chance anything! Sky, thanks for the picture! Love it! Nova, your such a positive influence! You are appreciated so much! Whoot, I've never used that, so I can't be of any help, sorry! Garton, I guess my thoughts go to the "alone" feelings as well! My kids are grow and in their 20's as well! Not even sure what I'm feeling now, just feels blah! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[wh...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Thanks Drew....we are on the same time line. I am not able to go back to work quite yet. Kudos to you for that. Feel better. Like Coop I get paralyzing fear and dread if anything feels off... but Coopie you already sound better. I am just riding with the fear today too... We are so much more accepting and better equipped these days. You are so strong Coop...and everyone.....love you. Let us know when your day totally turns around to that effortless mind .... I pray you get that back today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Lo...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Hi Cindy I think for me at month 10 when I had that really bad wave, I was so scared, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was not gonna be healed by month 12-- I also thought that I would be healed by then. I cried and threw a big temper tantrum and then realized that no amount of crying would change anything, no pill to take it all away , there was nothing that was gonna heal me except time. It comes down to one word --acceptance..... And I think we all come to this point at different stages in our recovery. You will come to a point one day that you will have more peace about it. Hugs to you my friend, jenny Hi Cindy, I can't say this any better than Jenny did. Acceptance, make peace with the healing process. I still can't figure out if this happened when the sx got more tolerable, or if I just became more accepting through my own process. Probably both. It gets easier and you get better at it. Hang in there. And this is a really good place, right here, to laugh and cry and scream and yell -- we've got everything I needed this too...I have not accepted this yet. Even at month 6...I have a hard time swallowing that I am still ill...I too feel like I have been punished at times. I know with acceptance it will make things a little better but there are times I do cry, get angry and scream. :'( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 LovingMother ... "acceptance" does not rule out crying, getting angry, hootin' an' hollerin' ... hey, we are only human ... we have emotions ... BTW ... we are not being "punished" ... we are recovering ... even when I feel I made a "mistake" ... no one gets to punish me for it ... especially myself ... I took the drug ... now I am getting over it ... still a few chapters to be written, and that is the gist of the story ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Coop ... you got them Monday blues too, I see ... sending you a fresh bottle of Dr Nova's world famous elixir ... doesn't smell pretty but gets the job done ... hold your nose and take two big tablespoons ... absolutely guaranteed for what ails you today ... no refunds ... but you can keep the bottle ... makes a great conversation piece ... Hang on Buddy ... Tuesday is a comin' ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Lo...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 LovingMother ... "acceptance" does not rule out crying, getting angry, hootin' an' hollerin' ... hey, we are only human ... we have emotions ... BTW ... we are not being "punished" ... we are recovering ... even when I feel I made a "mistake" ... no one gets to punish me for it ... especially myself ... I took the drug ... now I am getting over it ... still a few chapters to be written, and that is the gist of the story ... Between this and overcoming Lyme Disease (and that is a punishment). My life feels like it has not been mine. No one at 39 should look back and over the past 4.5 years can say they lost their mom, got deathly ill and now going through this benzo w/d crap. The highlight after my mom died and before I got ill with Lyme was having my son. His father is a trip, but I've come to peace with that...his loss. It's just all unfair, I'm glad my son is small but there is so much that I want to do that I can't do with him. There are other things...but I just keep praying that this will all pass and I will be able to walk a long hallway without balance issues, stand up without swaying, no anxiety, no rockiness, migraines, etc. I once lived with 30+ symptoms due to Lyme before benzos and thankful I was down to under 9 symptoms before I jumped from benzos. A couple of sxs I can't tell what is what. Glad I have all of you, I do smile more and even crack jokes. Not as much as I would like...but in time that will change. Praying that in due time I/we will all totally heal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[be...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Back in acute. After 2 days of wide open windows last week ....A total anxiety / panic on Sunday. Much like Nova 's experience that took him to er. ...I woke up $unday morning with fierce nausea, pounding heart fear and of course elevated b/p. The last 2 days have been more of the same.. add insomnia and tinnitus that is up.a few notches and non-stop... .....At just a few days shy of beginning month 12 I am both terrified ( again) and utterly discouraged Crying crying crying...so afraid that I am ending up protracted...So worn out by this. My baseline was holding so well I would have pretty much settled for continued good baseline. ......I am so sorry for the bleak post...I truly felt that I was at a place where I could function and handle the "off " days and begin to put a few more pieces together...now I feel exactly like I did in months 4 and 6..... Coop, sorry you feel so bad. I entered month 12 in a very bad wave, I also was very discouraged. That wave was the worst one I've had since hitting the year mark. I think we might have to leave yr. one with a bang...it's the nature of this beast. The waves get more and more tolerable after the first year. I often have to ask myself if I'm in a wave or if I'm just having a bad day. A few months ago when ever I had a wave I could not function.... I had to take to the couch or bed, I would lose my appetite, cry, and so despondent. Now, I'm able to do more when in a wave with less symptoms. It really does get better, but when in a wave we can't imagine it. Protracted- Is just a scary word.....be gone scary word. Hugs .....Well after that awful post I am wishing all a much much better day . ...I am hoping for a turn around.....love to every one of you....coop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Whoot ... yep, we just keep going ... putting in the time ... and slowly things begin to open up for us ... you "sound" pretty good ... that's is helpful when things start getting "loud" and "confusing" ... I have some funky head pressure today ... feels like I am getting too much oxygen ... had two walks ... and did a bit of Tai Chi for a few minutes ... maybe I am getting more oxygen than I have been for a long time ... Big blustery Fall day around here ... cool and gusty ... I may have actually got a little wind burned ... this kind of weather used to send me into the "closet" ... could not take all that "energy" ... This "retirement" thingie is kind of cool ... I get to make my own schedule ... now if I could "schedule" these symptoms I would be off to the races ... Have a good day ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Garton ... "alone" ... that is one of the "challenges" for me ... "reconnecting" ... that is one of my "priorities" this winter ... gonna take a while, and needs to be done ... "Community" seems to be necessary for good health ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[mr...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Hang in there, Coop. I HATE fear/panic/anxiety. It's ALL from withdrawal. And it will ALL dissolve, with time. Just keep on keepin' on Love ya. Mrs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Sk...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 LovingMother ... "acceptance" does not rule out crying, getting angry, hootin' an' hollerin' ... hey, we are only human ... we have emotions ... BTW ... we are not being "punished" ... we are recovering ... even when I feel I made a "mistake" ... no one gets to punish me for it ... especially myself ... I took the drug ... now I am getting over it ... still a few chapters to be written, and that is the gist of the story ... Ditto. Nova, beautifully put. But, Loving Mother, at the beginning it does feel that way, it feels like you are being punished by the Universe and you compound to the misery by being hard on yourself. At least, I did ! Many days are like that even at almost 12 months out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Co...] Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 Whoot, Nova, Mrs, Beulah Garton....all of you. That k you so much.. such touching support. made me cry even more ...from gratitude. What would we possibly do without each other. . ...I am starting to feel more stable...the anxiety is mostly psychology holovical now and manageable. My body has calmed down some so I have not looked at my b/p this morning because it starts,the whole thing all over again if its elevated. My physician says a few days at even 150/ 80 is not permanently dangerous ....so soldieringß 's on.....Nova thanks for Dr. Nova s no fail ...good for whatever ails you elixer.. I am pretty sure it is bottled compassion and wisdome. Thank you so much for spending some of your retirement here on our thread. ...coop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Lo...] Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 LovingMother ... "acceptance" does not rule out crying, getting angry, hootin' an' hollerin' ... hey, we are only human ... we have emotions ... BTW ... we are not being "punished" ... we are recovering ... even when I feel I made a "mistake" ... no one gets to punish me for it ... especially myself ... I took the drug ... now I am getting over it ... still a few chapters to be written, and that is the gist of the story ... Ditto. Nova, beautifully put. But, Loving Mother, at the beginning it does feel that way, it feels like you are being punished by the Universe and you compound to the misery by being hard on yourself. At least, I did ! Many days are like that even at almost 12 months out. Thanks Sky...I know I am hard on myself. I really am...I pray that one day my balance/inner ear problems snap back to normal. But for now as my friend told me, "Put one foot in front of the other and gently push yourself." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Co...] Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 LOVINGMOTHER. None of this is your fault.....The fault lies in many places. none of which belong to you. You are to be commended for the huge effort and commitment ...and endurance that you are putting forth. You are a wonderful image of strength for your son. ...I love your mantra, " put one foot in front of the other and gently push ". Your little boy sees all the things he loves in you. ...If you keep on going so will I. ...We are all with you...every step of the way. Love to you.... coop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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