[je...] Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Hi 6-12 Buddies, I've been out of the loop because I've been so sick. In month 11 Its so hard to believe that I have actually gotten worse rather than a little better. I'd have to say that month 10 was awful, but this month has been worse. My Sx hurt more and last longer than any I've experienced in the past 18 months, including taper and acute. Have any of you experienced this? This is the first time I have begun to feel hopeless. Just want to cry. I wish I'd just get a small window to give me a little break. Korbe Hi korbe, Month 10 has been hard for a lot of us, I call it the mother of all waves. Mine lasted 3 weeks and felt like acute all over again. It will pass and you will get better, what your going through is not unheard of. Try not to lose hope, you are healing! Jenny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Co...] Posted October 24, 2014 Author Share Posted October 24, 2014 Korbe...month 10 has been one of the worst tor me too. I had a nice window on Oct 1 ......and another very nice 100% day today...22 days of mostly waves. ( I may have had some sunbreaks in that wave but it was a long long 22 days). ...Don't give up hope Korbe. It is so difficult because we have been at it for months and months. ....I had head pressure, headaches and buzzing tinnitus from month 6-10.5 ...and I am pretty sure it is not completely gone I am just getting a very nice reprieve from it today. ....Yes, some of my s/x got worse inmonth 10..some old ones came back, fatigue was crushing. Korbe, I think you sill see a shift soon. ...A few more months ....I honestly believe we are rounding the last corner....wishing you some sunbreaks....coop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Korbe ... Month 11 and 12 really stretched my patience and upset my "balance" ... oftentimes everything seemed "worse" than it had ever been ... some have described this "part" as the most difficult of recovery because we are exhausted ... and we have been "teased" so many times with feeling better ... and so often "hope" seems to dissolve into "doubt" ... Often I have felt that someone is showing me the "prize" ... telling me how wonderful it is ... telling me I "deserve" it ... telling me it is all "worth" it ... and then they turn and walk out of the room taking the "prize" with them ... and then they come back a little later and do it all over again ... and again ... and again ... I have come through so much ... this process has lasted so long ... I am tired ... I often feel that if they put one more rock in my backpack I may not be able to get up again and take another step ... And this "hurts" ... this really messes with my "balance" ... and I experienced this as "cruel" ... And in time I may be "turning this around" ... maybe there is another way to "tell" this story ... another way to "accept" this story ... (And I am using a lot of "I" here ... and I believe many of us are feeling the same way ...) Can I see this not as some "demon" or "beast" teasing me ... "playing" with me ... rather can I not see this as an "angel" showing me what I am striving for ... helping me get up one more time and move on ... this is not a "tease" ... this is a "blessing" of encouragement ... "come on, old fella, you can do this, you are almost there" ... and they have to leave "my" room for a while ... they have so many other folks to encourage as well ... so many other "rooms" to visit ... and they always come back to me when I need them again ... and again ... and again ... There is a bit of "wisdom" left with me a long time ago that I do not always remember ... if the "story" I am telling myself is not experienced as kind and helpful ... turn it around ... and maybe I have to turn it around many times ... until I find the "blessing" in the story ... I may not be getting the "message" the first time around ... or the second ... or the third ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Sk...] Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Hi 6-12 Buddies, I've been out of the loop because I've been so sick. In month 11 Its so hard to believe that I have actually gotten worse rather than a little better. I'd have to say that month 10 was awful, but this month has been worse. My Sx hurt more and last longer than any I've experienced in the past 18 months, including taper and acute. Have any of you experienced this? This is the first time I have begun to feel hopeless. Just want to cry. I wish I'd just get a small window to give me a little break. Korbe Korbe, this is really a test on our will, on our strength. It is hard to imagine these months being so hard, but they were. Hang in there, don't let yourself feel tired, we are almost there ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[be...] Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Hi 6-12 Buddies, I've been out of the loop because I've been so sick. In month 11 Its so hard to believe that I have actually gotten worse rather than a little better. I'd have to say that month 10 was awful, but this month has been worse. My Sx hurt more and last longer than any I've experienced in the past 18 months, including taper and acute. Have any of you experienced this? This is the first time I have begun to feel hopeless. Just want to cry. I wish I'd just get a small window to give me a little break. Korbe Kobe- I entered month 12 in a very bad wave and got so discouraged. I was waiting for the magical month 12 because I just knew things would be better, they were not. Months 10, 11, and 12 were very hard on me. They were very strange in healing. I could feel healing but at the same time I felt worse. Month 12 is when I started looking at my healing as a jigsaw puzzle, a million piece puzzle that takes time to fit all of the right pieces into the right spaces. At month 15 I can feel the puzzle is coming along, all of the corners have been put together and now the middle is being filled in, one little piece at a time. This puzzle is worked up and down and back and fourth but one day it will be Completed. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Sk...] Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Talking about the whole " one step forward two steps backwards" aspect of wd, here is a new entry, my pimples are back ! RIght after my ct I got tons of them, more than I ever had in my whole adolescence. Buddies told me it was good, all the poison was coming out. Now I am at round two ! But you know, I will take acne any day. Today I went to run a few errands. It was a glorious day, nice and sunny ! I could not keep my eyes open, even with my sunglassses on, my eyes were back to being photosensitive and it was an unpleasant reminder of the first days of my CT when I did not know what was going on and my eyes hurt so much in the sun. But today, that was still ok, I wasn't letting anything stand in the way of such a beautiful day ! Then I got a sunstroke... Oh well, it wasn't meant to be I guess. I am feeling better now, but it really makes you think. NOn linear ? Only people who have gone through wd know what this word really means ! Night folks, heal on ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[pe...] Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Sky, I am really feeling the punch of nonlinear. After a fairly low symptom week, I am wading through dr and weird visual hallucinations. I see the shape of things out of the corner of my eyes and then interpret the shapes wrong for just a moment. A patch of concrete peeking between the garbage bins was misinterpreted as a lion and then my rational brain kicks in and says - No, it's just the concrete. But it scares me. My rational brain has never failed me, but I certainly worry that it could and then I would be in a world of confusion and it could be very bad. I think they call it schizophrenia… Yikes! But these weird visual hallucinations were much worse during taper and early in recovery. I haven't had this symptom bullying me for a few months. :'( Here's hoping I continue to hold on to my rational mind during this sway. Peace2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[pe...] Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Hi pals, I'm in a wave. It's been nipping at my heels for a couple of days and here it is. I'm having dr, anxiety and some visual hallucinations where things look 'wrong' out of the corner of my eye and I misinterpret the shape for a moment. I'm feeling scared and wonder if anyone else has had this happen. This misinterpreting/hallucinations happened to me during taper and in acute…. so it's in the range of 'normal', right? I don't want to do this anymore. So, hard after feeling decent for a few days. Peace2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[be...] Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Hey peace, throughout my withdrawal I have felt like I have two brains. It feels like I have a brain that's in withdrawal and a logical brain. The logical brain feels beat up by the withdrawal but it still functions and talks me down when I'm wavy. Today I was wavy and tried to remember a person's name and couldn't, it was driving me crazy. My logical brain said I'll remember it as soon as the wave lifts, I did. Yes, this is weird, but what's not weird in withdrawal. I think things like this is what makes people fear they are going crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[mr...] Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Peace, you made me chuckle You are fine, dear! Just gotta giggle at this stuff sometimes We are healing, gang. No mistaking it! It is happening Mrs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[dr...] Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Awwww..... peace I'm sorry your in a scary wave. Remember, it's all harmless even though it doesn't feel that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[...] Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Oh Peace! I'm so sorry! You are sure doing Great! Your window is showing you that you are getting closer to the end and you healing is progressing!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Loving Mother, how did you get that cake on there? I couldn't get mine on Click the camera button (under the bold button) Go to the pic (online) right click on the pic, go to properties, a link will come up. It has to be a jpg or jpeg, copy it The link should look like this http://cdn.cakecentral.com/4/41/900x900px-LL-413ac266_gallery8735161326652098.jpeg If it does not have jpg or jpeg in it then it won't come up Then paste the link in between the camera brackets which look like this [/img] Then you are done! THANK YOU! Hoping to get some cakes and flowers for upcoming anniversaries! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Just a ' good news ' update....Another 100% 'effortless mind day ' has come my way. No thyme or reason...I got up this morning with moderate yuk ( cortisol surge. moderate head pressure and brain buzzing...nagging depression...fatigue...). After being up and about..it shifted...turned on a dime...I actually felt the shift. ...I am looking forward to volunteering next week in my grandsons ' classrooms...called the teacher and set it up...no anxiety...no dread ...no fears of stroking out in front of 20. 3rd graders. ....I have been fearing going back for the past 3 months....today...just planning to go with happiness...just like before I ever knew what a benzo was.. Totally like a huge brick wall just came down. ...cant quite believe it. I know it is all unpredictable and who knows what shape I will be in next week on the day I go ( Wed)....but I am taking full advantage of this shift to start a new conversation in my head about getting back to the classroom....These windows just amaze me. It is exactly like re- inhabiting your own body...or like the tv when it shifts from standard image to HD and 3D image...my life is momentarily in absolute crystal focus...no fog. I am connected to my ' before benzo' self...my present self and who I see as a future self...no murkiness...no disconnect from time ..Sheesh ...so sorry...just going on and on....wish I could just send some of this to every single one of you...coop Coop, I know I'm a day late, but I'm really happy for you. Hope you get some mileage out of it. And very, very happy about that new conversation. This is how we get better, reclaiming our lives a little piece at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[je...] Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Peace-- you are healing, think about that 90% window you had, this is just a wave and it will pass. I know it so hard after a good patch, but you can do this! The hallucinations are scary, I had them when I c/t for 2 weeks, but they are not real and can't hurt you. Hugs, jenny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Gr...] Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Hi 6-12 Buddies, I've been out of the loop because I've been so sick. In month 11 Its so hard to believe that I have actually gotten worse rather than a little better. I'd have to say that month 10 was awful, but this month has been worse. My Sx hurt more and last longer than any I've experienced in the past 18 months, including taper and acute. Have any of you experienced this? This is the first time I have begun to feel hopeless. Just want to cry. I wish I'd just get a small window to give me a little break. Korbe Hi korbe, Month 10 has been hard for a lot of us, I call it the mother of all waves. Mine lasted 3 weeks and felt like acute all over again. It will pass and you will get better, what your going through is not unheard of. Try not to lose hope, you are healing! Jenny Yes, Korbe, I agree with Jenny. It got worse before it got better. That month 10 was my scariest time, because I was so far out and still really sick. A lot of people have gotten that bad month 10 wave and started to fee better after it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Sk...] Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Hey peace, throughout my withdrawal I have felt like I have two brains. It feels like I have a brain that's in withdrawal and a logical brain. The logical brain feels beat up by the withdrawal but it still functions and talks me down when I'm wavy. Today I was wavy and tried to remember a person's name and couldn't, it was driving me crazy. My logical brain said I'll remember it as soon as the wave lifts, I did. Yes, this is weird, but what's not weird in withdrawal. I think things like this is what makes people fear they are going crazy. Beulah, I really agree and you are so lucky not to confuse the two ! I am not always able to do that but being here helps incredibly ! Even the whole making an effort to describe a symptom helps get that distance we need so much. I panic so much when I do not remember things. Many things are work related, so I am a slightly right in panicking but other things are not that important. I always go around with my little block note to jot down the things I really, really have to remember. It helps me worry less about forgetting. I can't wait to burn the thing or at least, never have to use it again. I consider it a good day when I don't use it at all ! Peace, I am so sorry about the visual hallucinations. They are horrifying, simply horrifying. Right after my cold turkey, I hallucinated for 3 days and 3 nights. After, for a long time, I had visual distortions, that is how a doctor called them. They are just as scary as the whole shebang. I ask mr SKy, "do you see this too ?" , when I am in doubt. Luckily now it is much less but the mistrust does not leave easily. Seeing is no longer believing ! I mean, how can you trust your eyes anymore ? NOw, after lunch, I have a few lessons online. I hope they do not wipe me completely out, I am hoping to have a nice weekend, wd and all ! See you later. Heal away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Sk...] Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 After almost 48 hours of no vibrations they have come back with a vengeance and it really bad. Everything else has started as well and my brain is shutting down, so now I will try to go to bed hoping to wake up feeling better. WHen I am worse, writing becomes incredibly hard, it is as if I had never seen a keyboard in my life . Oh well, this too shall pass. I am glad nobody is on the thread , I hope it means that you are feeling either better and are having a nice weekend ? Wishful thinking ? Hope not ! Nighty night, heal on ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[je...] Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Feel better sky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[li...] Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Hey all, Just checking in. Went to Hollow Scream at Bush Gardens Tampa with my son and 3 friends and had a blast last night. I am still going through some very stressful situations right now but somehow I am experiencing a 98.5% window today ( like the number). I had convinced myself not too long ago that if I had these stressors that I would never catch a break -- that was wrong and BS from the benzo beast! Life is going to get a bunch better for all of us in the coming months. I pray for each and ever one of you and may God bless you and heal you. Things are getting better. Today I started looking back when I could not a year ago sit down as I was so irritable from w/d and tolerance. Things do get much much better. It is hard to see progress from day to day so you have to look back months. remember I just came out of a stress induced wave that lasted 8 weeks -- never did I ever experience a wave that long -- and it was after a year. My wave was event driven for sure. So what do I have to say.... "I can see clearly now the rain is gone , I can see all obstacles in my way... it's going to be a bright, bright , bright sunny day!"Things get much better guys and gals. Love to all of you! Life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[je...] Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 I've missed you Life!! Im so glad to hear you are doing better! Life, that may have been your last big wave before complete healing. You have been missed, Jenny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[li...] Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Thank you, Jenny. I miss all of you ... you are my jump buddy - Sep 19, 2013! Wow seems like a lifetime huh? Life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 Life ... thank you for your "news" ... this is so fascinating for me ... even though our stories may have different "themes" we are all moving to the same "destination" ... Be well, and thank you, my friend ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[No...] Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 Hi Folks ... Just pulled a six hour "nap" ... 1 AM here ... feeling okay with the "symptoms" ... Been a "busy" week for me ... this "retirement" stuff takes energy ... On Wednesday night went to a "town hall" meeting for three hours about the expansion of a "wellness Centre" into our community ... lots of blah, blah, blah ... what was cool for me is I got through a process with about 80 other folks, participated, and didn't end up over the moon ... the old brain was tired, and some physical stuff showed up ... and it wasn't "debilitating" ... one more step ... Today went to our building's Halloween pumpkin carving and BBQ ... most of the adults were kind of "weird" ... and the children and the older folks were really cool ... most of them find it so easy to be "in the moment" ... a real joy to be around ... Hope you are all having a good weekend ... we are getting closer ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[dr...] Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 Nova-I just returned from pumpkin carving myself. A six year old voted mine second out of five. Any adult would have given me last Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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