FAMILY MEMBER/PARTNERS SUPPORT THREAD

[[di...]]

Hi All

 

Just joined BB 2 days ago and so glad I found this partner support thread.  Long story short, my husband (J) was on Xanax/Ativan for 5 weeks.  About a week ago he ran out of drugs so he thought the could just stop.  The next 5 days ended up being the worst of our lives and he ended up in the ER with PVCs. Now he is on Ambien and hoping to stabilize and taper. 

 

As for me, well I am exhausted... mentally, physically, emotional.  We started having tons of issues at the beginning of the year... before benzos and now they have multiplied exponentially.  I am trying to support J but it is hard.  I work a very demanding job and we have 2 beautiful wonderful girls, 3 and 5 that need their mom and dad.  I am just frustrated b/c I am doing the majority of the work... which is ok... but J still gets upset with me.  I have read what he is going thru, but after an 18 hr day to be told "everything that is happening to him is my fault" and "I did x, y and z all wrong" is very hard. 

 

He is supposed to be filling out disability and unemployment paperwork.. so hopefully we could get some financial help thru all this... but everytime I ask him about it... he barks at me and say "I am causing him to be anxious".

 

I am trying to stay strong and have hope that this will end but in the meantime I am just plain tired, oh yeah, and now I have a viral infection with a 102 fever. 

 

Any encouragement would be much appreciated! 

[[Mr...]]

Hi Divegrl,

I am in similar situation, my son is almost 6. Still the situation here lasts 4th year. I am doing everything I can to help my Mom and there are days (like today) that all She does is complaints and critisizes.

i am counting every minute to pass and take me away toward the evening. I feel sorry for my son, who I took away from our home and good daddy - third year in a raw for several months to be able to help my Mom. It is better now than in 2010 but I am so tired that it is equally exhausting for me.

The only thing which helps is to NOT think about the whole perspective, just mindfully focus on the task I am doing now.

Sometimes I get defensive and try to explain how I feel but it gets me nowhere. I think the benzo victim is completely unaware of what they are doing when they are mean and unable to see the reality.

Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. THere were people before me here and after I already joined - all of us has the same difficulties and problems and sometimes just knowing about being not alone helped me tremendously. It is definitely the hardest ordeal I have done in my life.

I am not good at it even doing the best I can. I am not dissapointed or not analising anything anymore. Just trying to survive because I think the time of healing will be long (if it is proportional to years of taking the drug) and we are only 9 month off.

I am sending you a welcome hug and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there. I don't know how, but try and try again, push forward everyday. Every day we are closer to get back our true family mambers instead of theirs crooked benzoimages. Mrubar

[[Mr...]]

Hi All

 

Just joined BB 2 days ago and so glad I found this partner support thread.  Long story short, my husband (J) was on Xanax/Ativan for 5 weeks.  About a week ago he ran out of drugs so he thought the could just stop.  The next 5 days ended up being the worst of our lives and he ended up in the ER with PVCs. Now he is on Ambien and hoping to stabilize and taper. 

 

As for me, well I am exhausted... mentally, physically, emotional.  We started having tons of issues at the beginning of the year... before benzos and now they have multiplied exponentially.  I am trying to support J but it is hard.  I work a very demanding job and we have 2 beautiful wonderful girls, 3 and 5 that need their mom and dad.  I am just frustrated b/c I am doing the majority of the work... which is ok... but J still gets upset with me.  I have read what he is going thru, but after an 18 hr day to be told "everything that is happening to him is my fault" and "I did x, y and z all wrong" is very hard. 

 

He is supposed to be filling out disability and unemployment paperwork.. so hopefully we could get some financial help thru all this... but everytime I ask him about it... he barks at me and say "I am causing him to be anxious".

 

I am trying to stay strong and have hope that this will end but in the meantime I am just plain tired, oh yeah, and now I have a viral infection with a 102 fever. 

 

Any encouragement would be much appreciated!

Divegrl,

First of all, don't look to the medical community for any meaningful help in any of this.  They are what got you here in the first place.  Secondly, don't trust your husband to be able to complete paperwork or forms with any degree of accuracy.  He has been brain damaged, just like bouncing his head off a dash board in a car crash, so you will have to draw on reserves of patience and strength you didn't know you have.  My wife was gleefully prescribed Klonopin for 10 years by doctors who didn't have the time or the know how to do the right thing.  It has taken three years for her to get off the drug and begin some real recovery.  She has only just now begun to drive again, and has begun to help in the kitchen again.  The attacks from your husband are beyond his control and will likely persist until his brain manages to heal.  Once he stabilizes, come to this board for direction in how to properly taper.  Any recommendation the doctor may provide is going to be much too quick, and without any regard to the side effects that come with tapering.  Good luck.

Mr. P

[[Pa...]]

Hi All

 

Just joined BB 2 days ago and so glad I found this partner support thread.  Long story short, my husband (J) was on Xanax/Ativan for 5 weeks.  About a week ago he ran out of drugs so he thought the could just stop.  The next 5 days ended up being the worst of our lives and he ended up in the ER with PVCs. Now he is on Ambien and hoping to stabilize and taper. 

 

As for me, well I am exhausted... mentally, physically, emotional.  We started having tons of issues at the beginning of the year... before benzos and now they have multiplied exponentially.  I am trying to support J but it is hard.  I work a very demanding job and we have 2 beautiful wonderful girls, 3 and 5 that need their mom and dad.  I am just frustrated b/c I am doing the majority of the work... which is ok... but J still gets upset with me.  I have read what he is going thru, but after an 18 hr day to be told "everything that is happening to him is my fault" and "I did x, y and z all wrong" is very hard. 

 

He is supposed to be filling out disability and unemployment paperwork.. so hopefully we could get some financial help thru all this... but everytime I ask him about it... he barks at me and say "I am causing him to be anxious".

 

I am trying to stay strong and have hope that this will end but in the meantime I am just plain tired, oh yeah, and now I have a viral infection with a 102 fever. 

 

Any encouragement would be much appreciated!

 

grl, I have heard the same thing  about it all being my fault so here you go.  It's not your fault!  It's not your fault! It's not your fault!  As was mentioned you can't plan on paperwork being filled out or done properly right now by your hub.  Give the girls a hug, take time for yourself, be sure to get some exercise, even walking is a great help.  If you can vent here or with a good friend or family member.  Oh by the way if it's a friend or family member let them know you don't want a solution only their ear.  Most will want you to take your hub to a doc for a "pill".  No booze, beer, wine, or drugs.  Time that is what's needed.  Have you read the Ashton Manual?  It will let you know what these meds do to the body.  Also have you found other resources?

 

All the Best,  Pardner

[[pa...]]

Hi Divegirl,  So happy you found the support thread.  Before I post anything further, want to provide you some links that all supporters need to read and view: 

 

HOW TO SUPPORT A LOVED ONE WITH BENZO WITHDRAWAL SYNDROME:

 

http://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/2012/08/05/how-to-support-a-loved-with-benzo-withdrawal-syndrome/

 

DO'S & DONT'S:

 

http://recovery-road.org/dos-and-donts/  (Family & Carers)

 

SUPPORT FOR FAMILIES:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFzkJKkGxZw

 

HOW BEST TO SUPPORT:

 

http://recovery-road.org/support/

 

 

As always, the other buddies walking this path, have provided the very best advise to you.  Thank goodness your husband was not on the benzo for more then five weeks.  Though, I'm sure you understand that he was addicted at that point.  Due to the cold turkey of the benzo, he blew into acute withdrawals immediately.  Just so you are aware, in the event that you don't know, Ambien is considered a "z drug".  It is not a benzo, but the effect withdrawing is exactly the same. 

 

As Mr. P stated.. don't listen to the medical community in how to withdraw from the Ambien.  Your husband must do a proper taper.  You can post on the category "Taper Plan", to obtain a plan. 

 

We know you are exhausted.  This journey is a nightmare roller coaster for everyone.  Unfortunately, most family will not read the information I have provided to you, or the suggestion of The Aston Manual, and that is a must read.  It's difficult for anyone who has never gone through this experience, to totally grasp that it is possible for an individual to be so very ill from these drugs, but it is all true.  Educating yourself from the Ashton Manual, as well as the above links, provide the feedback you and extended family need, as well as the knowledge of it all.

 

I'm sorry you are ill at this point, it's the last you needed... most especially for yourself and your little girls.  As another buddie stated, take very good care of yourself, try to get some exercise and try to lead some what of a normal life that is possible.  You need to get your husband's immediate family onboard with you, if possible, as you will need help.  They need to educate themselves with what we have provided. 

 

From the effect of these drugs, you will go through what you are experiencing with your husband.  That's what these drugs do.  It takes every ounce of patience dealing with them on all of this.  But, each and everyone does heal from it all.  It just takes time.  Just make sure a "proper" taper is done off the Ambien, or you'll be thrown back into step one all over again.

 

Your husband may be very incapable of completely forms correctly at this point.  Their entire physical self is all over the page, as well as their emotions... and this is all caused from these lousy drugs.

 

Know you have all of us in your corner for support.  Each of us will help you in each step of the way on this.  My husband is almost 100% healed, as well as many other supporters prior.  Some do stop by now and then, and when they do, they'll surely post to you in support.

 

Take good care of yourself.  Know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

P

[[di...]]

Hi all - Thank you to everyone who responded... it really means the world to me. 

 

So I took today off. There was really no way I could work.  I dropped the kids off at school and came home and fell to the floor crying.  :'(

Honestly, it felt therapeutic... I have to be so strong for everyone.... that my emotions are pent up.  I gave myself the space to sit and decompress for a while and try to clear my mind. 

 

Mrubar - Thank you for the reminder to remain the in the present.  I was reading a help blog, and they said when you get overwhelmed, don't think about all the things you have to do... just keep doing the next thing and focus on that. Your son must be around the same age as my oldest... she is almost 6 as well.  I want so much to protect them.  Big hugs to you!

 

Mr Potatoe - Thank you for the reminder of the ill effects this drug as done to J.  It is hard to see things from his perspective. I will just keep doing the best I can. I may fail... but I will keep trying my best!

 

Pardner - thank you so much for the affirmation.  I have tried to read as much of the Ashton Manual as possible and J was even able to read some of it as well! I try to talk to my closest friends and family... but it is hard b/c they do not understand what is happening.  Most want to give their opinion which is definitely not what I need right now.  No, this is the only resource I have found.  I welcome links to anything that might be helpful!

 

Pattylu - Wow.  Thank you for all the hyperlinks for caregivers.  I have not read them... but I will make time to read them.  Yes, I am glad he was only on Xanax/Ativan for 5 weeks.  But before that he was on medical canabais for a year. The doctors said that was harmless, but it was when he was on/off of that is when is anxiety began.  Not sure if that somehow already sensitized his brain.  Thank you for the wise council regarding the Ambien taper... when he gets to that point I will post to the taper section.  So far it has been hard for our family to understand what is going on with him.  Many of his "friends" have stopped calling. 

 

I will be praying for each of you in your journeys as well.  Honestly these responses have been the best support I have received since this whole thing started and I am very grateful.  It gives me the courage to go on and keep trying. 

 

Divegirl

[[Pa...]]

divegrl,  here is a link that will help your family and friends, all the best and stay in touch.

 

http://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/2012/08/05/how-to-support-a-loved-with-benzo-withdrawal-syndrome/

 

Pardner

[[di...]]

Hi All

 

Thank you for all the prayers.  Just a quick update.  A couple of our friends have really come through!  They have said "no matter what, we are here for you".. which is exactly what we needed to hear. 

 

Thank you for all the links.  I have been trying to share as possible and as appropriate.  And today seemed to be a better day for J. 

 

Divegrl

[[pa...]]

Hi All

 

Thank you for all the prayers.  Just a quick update.  A couple of our friends have really come through!  They have said "no matter what, we are here for you".. which is exactly what we needed to hear. 

 

Thank you for all the links.  I have been trying to share as possible and as appropriate.  And today seemed to be a better day for J. 

 

Divegrl

 

Hi D....  Thank goodness you have these friends by your side for both of you.  You'll both get through this D... though, both of you need that support.  Take good care.  Thoughts with lots of prayers for you both.

 

Pattylu

[[er...]]

hi, divegrl.  i see i missed a lot of action on this site and am glad you are being supported here and in "real life".

 

the best advice i think i can give is that it is perfectly ok to fall apart sometimes- no guilt there.  also, if friends are willing to take your kids here and there- let them, so you can have some honest talks with your husband and not worry about them hearing something they should not be hearing.  and this- if your husband starts ranting and raving in a drug-induced craze you are entitle to leave the room, leave the house.  you do not have to listen to that- and it will be hard to "un-remember" later on, when all is (are? grammar?) well again. 

 

wishing you better days ahead.  you are not alone in this mess.

 

blessings

 

erin

[[Pa...]]

I agree with Erin, when you are the subject of the rage and the rants, walk away, don't engage.  It is natural to want to defend yourself but it really does no good.  Leave the room, leave the house go for a walk, whatever just don't get caught up in the rage.

 

Pardner

[[di...]]

Hi All

 

Thank you all for your continued responses... it really means a lot. 

 

A couple of days ago i spoke to a wise friend who said "people want to help, they just do not know how to help."  She suggested offering my friends practical ways they could support: a meal train (one family brings over a meal every night), or like you said erin... babysitting.  Having someone come a couple of times a week to watch the kids. 

 

This has worked out for us... people respond much better when you say "hey, could you take our family a dinner once a week"... rather than "we need help!"

 

I have tried to read over most of the support hyerlinks.  The one thing that is always said... is that we as care givers need a break... we cannot do it all.  I guess that seems obvious... but it was not to me at first!

 

J is fairing a bit better... one day at a time.     

 

Also, I love this board... b/c it is still hard for people to understand what we are going thru... you guys are the best!

[[pa...]]

Hi All

 

Thank you all for your continued responses... it really means a lot. 

 

A couple of days ago i spoke to a wise friend who said "people want to help, they just do not know how to help."  She suggested offering my friends practical ways they could support: a meal train (one family brings over a meal every night), or like you said erin... babysitting.  Having someone come a couple of times a week to watch the kids. 

 

This has worked out for us... people respond much better when you say "hey, could you take our family a dinner once a week"... rather than "we need help!"

 

I have tried to read over most of the support hyerlinks.  The one thing that is always said... is that we as care givers need a break... we cannot do it all.  I guess that seems obvious... but it was not to me at first!

 

J is fairing a bit better... one day at a time.     

 

Also, I love this board... b/c it is still hard for people to understand what we are going thru... you guys are the best!

 

Hi D,

 

Glad to read your post!!  Your "wise" friend truly understands the direction in approach.  I'm so happy for you and J, with this approach that your friends have responded is a positive way.  Tell your "wise" friend, her wisdom you shared will help many others in the future on this site... Those words were key she provided.

 

Happy things are faring much better.  Yes, its one day at a time.  Though, hold onto... everyone does heal.

 

Yes, it is very hard for people to understand what anyone goes through, whether that be the individual personally going through it, and they have it the worse, or us, who are up to the batter's plate going through it the same but different.

 

Just hang in their friend... You'll both get through this.

 

P

[[di...]]

Thanks Pattylu

 

Days are still long.  J is getting better, but I am getting worse.  Even though these emotions are not healthy, I feel very resentful and angry.  I know I should not "expect" him to do anything... but at this point I am just angry. 

 

It is nice to have the reassurance that he will get better and this will improve. 

 

Best to all of you,

 

Divegrl

[[Mr...]]

Thanks Pattylu

 

Days are still long.  J is getting better, but I am getting worse.  Even though these emotions are not healthy, I feel very resentful and angry.  I know I should not "expect" him to do anything... but at this point I am just angry. 

 

It is nice to have the reassurance that he will get better and this will improve. 

 

Best to all of you,

 

Divegrl

Dear Divegrl,

Resentment was a big issue for me when Mrs.P was in her first withdrawal.  I kept wanting to frame everything in a rational perspective.  My shame is that she nearly had to die for me to really get it.  The victims of these drugs are powerless.  And make no mistake, the care givers and spouses are victims just as much as those in recovery.  Today, my relationship with Mrs. P is the most substantial thing in my life.  Just a couple of years ago, it was the bane of my existence.  It gets so much better.  It may never be perfect, but it never was in the first place.  Be strong.  Be here. 

 

Mr. P 

[[er...]]

hi, divegrl.  know your anger is justified, and, like potato said, you are totally a victim, too.    things were so horrific for us, the things my hub did were inexcusable- i have said on this forum before that teh only reason i fought so hard and let him stay with us was because i thought my kids, at their ages,  were better off with him in our lives. if they were babies or grown he'd be long gone.

 

try to hold on to the thoughts of the husband you know and love- the non-drugged guy. because, and this i know, once they are gone it is really, really, really  hard to get them back.

 

be well

 

erin

 

 

[[pa...]]

Thanks Pattylu

 

Days are still long.  J is getting better, but I am getting worse.  Even though these emotions are not healthy, I feel very resentful and angry.  I know I should not "expect" him to do anything... but at this point I am just angry. 

 

It is nice to have the reassurance that he will get better and this will improve. 

 

Best to all of you,

 

Divegrl

 

Hi D,

 

Yes, days are so long going through this process with our loved one.  You will go through, as you are, so much emotion from this process.  It's part of the territory of it.  Finding the best avenue for yourself in how to deal and handle that, well, that's a key we all had to find.  The most important with that, is understanding why they are the way they have become.  Once you truly grasp that, it gives you more foundation to deal with all of it.  Will you have anger, emotions... Yes, you will have all of it.  Each and everyone who is a supporter will and has have that.  Just, understand how awful this process is, it's the understanding that provides us the clarity to try to know how to deal with it.  Your space, for you and your children is truly a must.  I pray that your family/friends do step up to the plate and help as you mentioned before.  It takes time for one getting through the process to healing.. And, that's where the understanding of this journey has to come from education and understanding.  It's hard going through this, one for the one going through it, and second the family.  It's a journey of no other.  Just, if everyone tries to find a balance as a supporter, they for themselves can help their loved one move forward through it.  It's not easy one bit.  Just as Mr. Potato expressed.. Finally understanding what was taking place, having the knowledge and knew, it would turn around, and it is happening.

 

It will for you and your J.  You know you have a support with all of us.  One foot in front of the other D..  The healing will take place, it happens for one and all... Though, it takes time.  Do what you can for yourself and your children to keep balance.

 

P

[[Mr...]]

Thanks Pattylu

 

Days are still long.  J is getting better, but I am getting worse.  Even though these emotions are not healthy, I feel very resentful and angry.  I know I should not "expect" him to do anything... but at this point I am just angry. 

 

It is nice to have the reassurance that he will get better and this will improve. 

 

Best to all of you,

 

Divegrl

Dear Divegrl,

I say the same but in the scale of 4 years since it started with my Mom. Comparing to then - now most of the time She is better, I am MUCH worse. I had so much time and learned a lot but wd can still surprise me with ridiculous symptoms, so annoying for my rational thinking that I get very angry. It is so pleasant to use to the good window day and relax and easily forget about this whole nightmare, but the nightmare "unexpectedly" returns and our beloved ones go back to their altered personalities back and we have to  "translate" theirs action through our understanding of wd happening.

I would never want Her to not be in my life, I always love Her, even in Her worst state, so for me it is not a matter of sacrifice. What I feel is missing Her in the worst days, missing the contact we always had and have sometimes now.I am learning to direct my conversations, comments and responses instead of making them spontaneously, which is my true nature. And it keeps us in more peaceful relation and I hope it helps with healing.

Today we start the month 10 and from month 4th the symptoms became in many ways worse than before, but I read it happens to many people. Sometimes I am falling into despair but get help (from BBs) and push forward to be rewarded with a good window, which brings me a proof of healing happening.

Just keep living your life the way you feel most connected with yourself. I found that for me seeing friends or going out a lot doesn't help to relax. In fact what helps is being close to my Mom and helping Her to be happy.

Like in addiction, BUT I believe under the wd circumstances we give them what they need to recover not to feed theirs addiction. The observable many symptoms are worse for my Mom but there are some improvements - less anxiety, spontaneous acts of getting busy with something positive etc. Her cognition is still bad but depressed mood is much improved. I am taking away many supplements which She had before and hope when I will be going back to US - She won't have many left (the ideal would be just to keep betablocker and baby aspirin).

Try maybe to look at this journey as your life journey together. There are good and not so good times but you are with J and helping as much as you can. It is ok to be angry if you feel it - just try to protect J from you expressing  it. It will only hurt him.

They are out of any power, I believe and I see my Mom does best when I respect Her and put love in the right place in our relationship. And love is above all things. And it always wins. Have an easy weekend, Mrubar 

[[di...]]

Thank you everyone for validation and encouragement. 

 

I am sick, yet again.  I am trying to get as much support as possible, family/friends providing daycare for the kids so I can go to work, friends are babysitting and providing meals. I feel like a single mom and a 24/7 caregiver.  J is at home alone all day, and when I come home the house is a mess and he is beyond cranky.  Yesterday J wrecked our car.  It just keeps getting worse. 

 

Everyone says "be strong"... which, honestly, is sort of irritating because it implies that I am not being strong for my family.  I keep reading success stories and resting in the confidence that this will get better.  Thank you Mrubar for reminding me that life is a journey... no one ever said it was going to be easy. 

 

Best to all of you.

 

Divegrl

[[Mr...]]

Thank you everyone for validation and encouragement. 

 

I am sick, yet again.  I am trying to get as much support as possible, family/friends providing daycare for the kids so I can go to work, friends are babysitting and providing meals. I feel like a single mom and a 24/7 caregiver.  J is at home alone all day, and when I come home the house is a mess and he is beyond cranky.  Yesterday J wrecked our car.  It just keeps getting worse. 

 

Everyone says "be strong"... which, honestly, is sort of irritating because it implies that I am not being strong for my family.  I keep reading success stories and resting in the confidence that this will get better.  Thank you Mrubar for reminding me that life is a journey... no one ever said it was going to be easy. 

 

Best to all of you.

 

Divegrl

 

Dear Divegrl,

I am so sorry to hear about your life. Sounds so much like mine and I feel the same as you describe. probably all of us do. Today my Mom was leaving the house without turning off the oven. I just came home from the playground and found it out BUT what would happen if I wasn't here?

Well, you ARE VERY strong and I am sure you do EVERYTHING possible to survive the best possible so the hard part is to accept that the wd situation is stronger for now.

Just like you wrote - hang on to your hope in waiting for improvements.

Before my Mom's wd I went through many stressful situations, some had the stress level same high as wd.

I remember I had no any support besides of trusting that God is with me and He will help me survive.

And when I did I had such a relief and satisfaction that I gave everything what I could and it was enough to survive.

NOw, when the worst days come I think that if I give EVERYTHING I can from my heart to play the situation best - it is going to be ok.

Like mine efforts count somewhere there and the wd will NOT beat up our family love.

Also, I always believe if I don't choose a failure - I won't fail in fact. I may not win exactly what I want but I won't feel failed. Be also nice to yourself EVEN if you see that all your efforts don't do anything for the situation sometimes.

Just leave it and keep doing the best possible you can.

Forgive yourself that you are human and be proud of yourself and how much you love your husband to give him such a "service". Many spouses divorce benzovictims because they could not handle it.

Tell yourself you are doing great thing out of love and you have to learn how to be alone for the time being. I don't have anyone fully understanding the situation (besides of BBs) yet I have to go on and on.

I am not going to choose that everything is failing. I am going to wait and hope.

Hug to you my brave Friend, Mrubar

 

[[pa...]]

Thanks Pattylu

 

Days are still long.  J is getting better, but I am getting worse.  Even though these emotions are not healthy, I feel very resentful and angry.  I know I should not "expect" him to do anything... but at this point I am just angry. 

 

It is nice to have the reassurance that he will get better and this will improve. 

 

Best to all of you,

 

Divegrl

Dear Divegrl,

I say the same but in the scale of 4 years since it started with my Mom. Comparing to then - now most of the time She is better, I am MUCH worse. I had so much time and learned a lot but wd can still surprise me with ridiculous symptoms, so annoying for my rational thinking that I get very angry. It is so pleasant to use to the good window day and relax and easily forget about this whole nightmare, but the nightmare "unexpectedly" returns and our beloved ones go back to their altered personalities back and we have to  "translate" theirs action through our understanding of wd happening.

I would never want Her to not be in my life, I always love Her, even in Her worst state, so for me it is not a matter of sacrifice. What I feel is missing Her in the worst days, missing the contact we always had and have sometimes now.I am learning to direct my conversations, comments and responses instead of making them spontaneously, which is my true nature. And it keeps us in more peaceful relation and I hope it helps with healing.

Today we start the month 10 and from month 4th the symptoms became in many ways worse than before, but I read it happens to many people. Sometimes I am falling into despair but get help (from BBs) and push forward to be rewarded with a good window, which brings me a proof of healing happening.

Just keep living your life the way you feel most connected with yourself. I found that for me seeing friends or going out a lot doesn't help to relax. In fact what helps is being close to my Mom and helping Her to be happy.

Like in addiction, BUT I believe under the wd circumstances we give them what they need to recover not to feed theirs addiction. The observable many symptoms are worse for my Mom but there are some improvements - less anxiety, spontaneous acts of getting busy with something positive etc. Her cognition is still bad but depressed mood is much improved. I am taking away many supplements which She had before and hope when I will be going back to US - She won't have many left (the ideal would be just to keep betablocker and baby aspirin).

Try maybe to look at this journey as your life journey together. There are good and not so good times but you are with J and helping as much as you can. It is ok to be angry if you feel it - just try to protect J from you expressing  it. It will only hurt him.

They are out of any power, I believe and I see my Mom does best when I respect Her and put love in the right place in our relationship. And love is above all things. And it always wins. Have an easy weekend, Mrubar

 

Dearest Mrubar....  Your message was beautiful with so much heart.  Yes, Mrubar, you understand it totally and expressed it so very well.  Blessings always. P

[[pa...]]

Thank you everyone for validation and encouragement. 

 

I am sick, yet again.  I am trying to get as much support as possible, family/friends providing daycare for the kids so I can go to work, friends are babysitting and providing meals. I feel like a single mom and a 24/7 caregiver.  J is at home alone all day, and when I come home the house is a mess and he is beyond cranky.  Yesterday J wrecked our car.  It just keeps getting worse. 

 

Everyone says "be strong"... which, honestly, is sort of irritating because it implies that I am not being strong for my family.  I keep reading success stories and resting in the confidence that this will get better.  Thank you Mrubar for reminding me that life is a journey... no one ever said it was going to be easy. 

 

Best to all of you.

 

Divegrl

 

Hi D...

 

Aw... I'm sorry you are sick again.  When it rains it pours... Just not right! I'm grateful you are getting the support from family/friends that you so need and deserve, and you need that going through this. I hear your sadness, frustration... being "a single mom and a caregiver 24/7".  We all understand the 24/7 for sure, as well as all the emotions you are going through. 

 

A suggestion, as difficult as this is to except.  Forget about keeping the house in the best shape.  I went through the same, and finally, I had to accept to accept..  Was my house ever this way, no way.  But, I had to get things prioritize to survive this.  I kept things "clean", the most important areas, but... I had to accept that I couldn't do or have things like before. 

 

Yes, I understand your husband is home by himself during the day, and he would be.  Is he interested in joining BB, to be active on the site in communicating with others during this process?  It would probably be good for him, a good distraction.

 

As far as him driving at this point.. It's not a good idea.  I know it's difficult in taking independency from them, but it's not about that in the beginning stages, it's safety for himself and others.  This showed that.  I know it probably would be difficult to make that decision, but it might be for the best, considering what happened. 

 

Is there any family that can come during the day to spend a bit of time with him?  Or friends that are close to you both that understand what is happened?

 

D... remember what your wise friend stated that you shared, and your friends came forward.  Yes, it is very irritating to hear "be strong".  None of them are implying you are not strong at all.  When "we" are the ones going through this, we are pulling on every piece of inner strength we have, and you already have that and you know that.  What's irritating about it, is the frustration of this whole nightmare going through it, and our level of patience is sent through the ceiling.  People mean well, but they don't understand, and they say things they mean well with.  But, with what we are emotionally going through from this, it at times hits our nerves to the core.  Truly, it's no different with any other major illness, cancer, etc... everyone goes through the same.  We all become very thin skinned from the terror, frustration and anger of it all.  Why?  Our lives have been put upside down from what we had.

 

Yes, read the Success Stories as you are doing, those are a must.  As supporters, and there are several of us who have gone through this with our spouses, we can share and promise you that your J will heal.  It will happen.  Just hold onto what you read and what we share, and make sure you come and use this little thread to get your support... We're here with and for you D.

 

P 

[[di...]]

Hi Everyone

 

Thank you Mrubar and Pattylu, my friends, for your encouragement. 

 

The most frustrating thing about this situation is really no-one understands it.  I am going to not list the things J has done... but if I did not know this was the drug w/d they would be unforgiveable.  I know now why many relationships do not survive this. 

 

Over the past week, it has been hard b/c I have been not telling people what J has done.  If I told them, and even if they knew about w/d, I do not think they could forgive him.  I have a counselor who I can tell everything to, but even she said if things got worse she would have to report J to the police.  This has just been a roller coaster... things get better/worse/better... I read somewhere that w/d is non-linear and I totally see that now. 

 

I cannot force J to stop driving, any time I try to caution him on doing something he gets even more angry. 

 

Thank you Pattylu for reminding me that everyone is trying to help... and yes I have been a bit on edge.  This whole process is a humbling experience. 

 

Also J is still on Ambien CR, I thought he would stabilize a lot quicker.  The doctors do not want him to taper off of Ambien until his symptoms mostly resolve. 

 

Big Hugs to everyone. 

 

Divegrl

[[Mr...]]

Hi Everyone

 

Thank you Mrubar and Pattylu, my friends, for your encouragement. 

 

The most frustrating thing about this situation is really no-one understands it.  I am going to not list the things J has done... but if I did not know this was the drug w/d they would be unforgiveable.  I know now why many relationships do not survive this. 

 

Over the past week, it has been hard b/c I have been not telling people what J has done.  If I told them, and even if they knew about w/d, I do not think they could forgive him.  I have a counselor who I can tell everything to, but even she said if things got worse she would have to report J to the police.  This has just been a roller coaster... things get better/worse/better... I read somewhere that w/d is non-linear and I totally see that now. 

 

I cannot force J to stop driving, any time I try to caution him on doing something he gets even more angry. 

 

Thank you Pattylu for reminding me that everyone is trying to help... and yes I have been a bit on edge.  This whole process is a humbling experience. 

 

Also J is still on Ambien CR, I thought he would stabilize a lot quicker.  The doctors do not want him to taper off of Ambien until his symptoms mostly resolve. 

 

Big Hugs to everyone. 

 

Divegrl

 

Poor Divegrl, I hear you! I am very slowly tapering piracetam off, but I am not sure if I will manage because it stirs up benzo wd significantly. Maybe J's doctors are right about it.

I am also amazed how not anyone can grasp the problem which we are in. Well, everyone is different and I used to this situation and don't even try to talk about it with anyone besides of BBs. Time is passing and all we can do is survive somehow until the healing is done.

I also cannot caution my Mom about ANYTHING because She gets more angry and will SURELY not listen. Especially at the morning is very very hard. Also my young son (will be 6 in a month) is often too much stimulation for Her so it is VERY hard for me to defend him from being overly criticized and balance it with not aggravating my Mother.

The best what works for us here and what was recommended by Pattylu, Mr Linn, Erin and others, it was to leave and let the person in wd to cool off. I am, like you, trying to protect my Mom from being harshly judged by people who don't know, but I realise I have limited power over the situation and I have to remain sane myself, so I try to act quick and leave the scene for some time (even to go to other room and ask to not disturb for 30 min often works). When I leave the house for few hours with my son all I can do is pray that nothing happens then and, so far, my prayers are always heard.  And I believe they will always do, but this is a testing time for my faith and my nerves.

Humbling experience, like you say, oh, yes, especially for me, successful winner of all possible prizes. And now all I have is perseverance.

Maybe it will be good for me to learn that EVERYTHING good I got so far is just a gift from God because in His only power is to protect us from a tragedy which could happen during wd.

It is easy to forget when you are successful, that there are people which put same effort like I do but have no "luck" to get rewarded for various reasons. We used to think that we deserve things if we work hard for them. Unfortunately this is not the realty in this world. When it sometimes happen we are assured that that is how it suppose to be but forget that it is not always like it is. Not always justice and virtue are winning, but all we can do is still choose them and trust that our efforts are seen somehow.

Try to realise that you cannot be responsible for everything and that there is Someone Who loves you and understands your situation profoundly and if you turn to Him - you are not alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Stay strong and remember about yourself. Choose the best according to your judgement and don't worry about others.

Mental diseases are beyond understanding for people who never had to deal with them, like we have to do. Stay strong or let yourself to be weak and cry/reward yourself/exercise - whatever helps you to remain in a good relation with yourself. Don't be scared and tensed. You are not affected by benzos, only J is, so you are, in fact, to some extent OUTSIDE of it. He doesn't see what he is doing. Otherwise he would never have done what he does. I see it with my Mom. She used to be a completely different person. I hope She will return one day.

Love to you my Friend, I am with you in my heart, Mrubar

[[er...]]

oh, divegrl, i know it is so hard on you!  and when you can't be open about what's going on, it's doubly difficult.  my husband, too, has done many "unforgivable" things.  i hid it all from my mom for a long, long time because i did not want to hurt her and because it is hard to admit your partner has done such awful things.  when i finally had no choice but to let her in she was shocked to find her beloved son-in-law of 20 years capable of such behavior.

 

you are not alone.  you are entitled to feel all that you feel. the anger is justified. i got/get through it by keeping my kids' best interests in mind at all times.  at the end of days, i will know i was the very best mom. and whatever i do or do not accomplish in my life i know i will always have that.

 

be strong.  i hope you get some rest this weekend.

 

blessings,

 

erin