In Memory of WFR -- PLEASE READ!!!

[[Li...]]

Dear Hoosierfans,

 

Marcy had a wonderful friend in you - and so do we.  Your beautiful and very helpful post will help so many other BB's get through the ordeal that W/D and the Healing time can be. 

 

Bless you and take good care of yourself now.

 

Love,

Lily

[[dm...]]

What a graphic illustration of the battle we wage with the benzos. Its not a game, joke, or minor inconvenience...its a deadly serious situation of survival pitting us against the benzos. We must all heed the example of WFR, take pity on her and her lost plight (for whatever reason), extend our love, compassion, and sympathy to the family...and carry on with our own respective battles striving in all earnestness NOT to become another victim to this malicious chemical we wage war with.

 

WFR: May God recieve you into His house, take away your burden, and grant you a place at His table. Your battle is finished.

 

Grieving.

 

Dave  :'(

[[pr...]]

Dave,

 

What an amazing post! i am going to copy for my mother who is in tolerance w/d from xanax and is always looking for powerful words to take to a doctor (of whom she still hasn't found one to help her)--and no this is not a minor inconvenience so hopefully all of us will be able to take something very useful out of this and bring it to other's.

 

pretty

[[fl...]]

Dear H,

Your words shine with honor, love and compassion for WFR and her family ...as well as for all of your buddies.  Thank you for posting this.  I didn't know WFR ...but as a fellow buddy, we're all like family here and the loss of one buddy is a loss too many.  My heart goes out to her family, friends and you. 

Her suffering is over ...may she rest in everlasting peace and love.  I pray that if any of our buddies feel as though they have reached the point that WFR did ...they will reach out for help and receive it.  W'd can take us to such a deep, dark place at times.

R.I.P WFR ...you won't be forgotten.

 

Dear Diaz,

What a beautiful and fitting poem.  Thank you for sharing.

 

Much love and many blessings to all of my buddies.  I love you all.

[[Go...]]

Hi Hoosiers,

 

Thank you for sharing that very important post.  Im not trying to bash here just state the obvious.  Too many times, people come here and they are told not to listen to their doctors, doctors dont know what to do, dont go to the hospital, they will give you more drugs, on and on.  There is NO shame in seeking help!  It might very well save a persons life.  It did mine!  I was so sick from my 2nd CT that I could have very easily taken my own life but I called a friend who was a licensed therapist.  She called a crisis line and someone came out and met with me.  They said that I was in danger and I went into the hospital for 2 weeks.  They were very kind to me there.  They offered me meds but I declined.  I had a place where I could go and be safe and I was.

 

We should come here and love each other and support each other.  We have no idea what is going on in someones life other than wd.  No one here should EVER encourage a person not to listen to their doctor or to shame them if they have to reinstate or go to the hospital.  That is very dangerous.  Everyone here knows deep down inside that benzos can make you very sick and that until you are off of them, you will not be able to heal in most cases.  Having said that, we have to do what we can do to survive.  No one should ever feel like they are a loser or not worthy because they have to do what they have to do to save their own life... If anything, I hope that WFR's death will open peoples eyes to how desperate we can be going through this process.  As Ive said before, there is no "One size fits all" when it comes to wd.

 

Thank you,

 

GG

[[sa...]]

As many of you already know, my good friend and “BBB” (benzobuddies bestie) Waitingforrelief (WFR) took her life on Good Friday.  She was 47.  She was prescribed Xanax several years ago for a minor sleep problem, and began getting sick last summer from interdose withdrawal.  She was detoxed off the Xanax in just a couple of days at a detox facility, and fought the withdrawal valiantly for 8 months.  I spoke with her daily on the phone and I will always treasure our friendship.  It got me through my own very dark days.  We laughed, we cried, we joked about running away with “hot cabana boys” and celebrating our birthdays in Las Vegas together once we recovered. 

 

The loss of WFR cannot be understated.  She leaves behind a husband, a sister, and a twentysomething son of whom she is so proud.  I need to try and prevent this from happening ever again, so I thought it appropriate to post, in WFR’s honor and as her legacy, some “lessons learned” or “recovery suggestions” of which the first, and most important, is the message that her family asked that I share with all of you.  Please know that they are hurting very badly right now, and do not wish to hear from buddies.  It is just too painful right now for them; I hope you all understand.  But they did want to say thank you for the prayers, the support provided to WFR and her family during this ordeal, and best wishes for all of our continued healing. 

With that….

 

1. If you ever find yourself in a deep depression and are contemplating self-harm, or are struggling with self-harm thoughts, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek professional help.   There is absolutely no shame in asking for help.  And know that despite our best intentions, our immense love and care for you, NONE of us – no buddies, no spouse, no friend, no confidant – is a professional.  And you need a professional’s assistance and guidance when you are considering drastic action.  DO NOT rely just on buddies, or a spouse, or a friend.  Call a professional counselor / therapist / physician if you have one, or call your local crisis line – the numbers are available on-line or in the front of your yellow pages.  Call 911.  But reach out – you have so many good days, months, years, experiences ahead of you.

 

2. Think of withdrawal and recovery from benzos as a war, and prepare accordingly.   You need a plan of attack for dealing with withdrawal and recovery, and it is never too late to formulate one.  Does the military go into the battle thinking….”hmm, I’ll just see what happens and then deal with it then.”  NO!!  Sit down and think about how you are going to handle finances, who is going to be your caregiver in times of need, who you can call on to take your kids to school if you can’t get out of bed, who can bring you meals or order you a pizza if you are too exhausted to stand.    Case in point:  my husband recently started travelling for work, and I am not yet at the point where I can care for my kids on my own, so we planned accordingly – I have caregiver help in the morning and evening when they are home, a cleaning lady to keep up with the house, and our church is graciously bringing us dinners so it is one meal I don’t have to worry about preparing or dishes to do.  By planning for your care and recovery, you take A LOT of the anxiety out of withdrawal; and the less stress and anxiety we can have, the better.  It helps so much to be able to say, “well if the worst happens, situation ____, I have a plan in place to take care of it, and it is ____.”

 

3. Practice makes “perfect” – develop coping skills and practice, practice, practice them.   Parker said it great once, “this is personal brain injury rehab.”  What would you do if any other body part was injured?  You would care for it, and rehab it through physical therapy, exercise, rest, nutrition, etc.  SO DO THE SAME FOR YOUR BRAIN BY DEVELOPING COPING SKILLS.  You know yourself best, so find a set of skills that speak to you and your heart.  Practice them everyday.  There are as many coping skills as there are stars in the sky, so try a bunch and then pick a few that really help, and PRACTICE them….a lot.  Everyday I spend an hour sitting in front of my lightbox doing some meditation, journaling in a gratitude journal, working in a self-help workbook, and blogging here on BB.  Other folks exercise, do deep breathing, listen to soothing music, EFT, doing yoga, reciting mantras.  Whatever works for you, do it.  I don’t care how goofy, new agey, or off the wall it seems, if it gets you through and helps your soul, DO IT.  I sleep with a stuffed animal.  Yes, I am 36 and sleep with a stuffed animal.  But it helps me sleep, so I DO IT.  I also carry around Silly Putty for when I am anxious.  I have one in my purse, one in my car, one on my bedside table.  There is no shame in my game when it comes to how I cope. 

 

4. Cast a wide net when it comes to your support network.   It took me many many months to realize this, but there were some types of support my husband just could not give me.  He just wasn’t wired for it.  So instead of fighting it, I started to lean on others who WERE wired to give me that kind of support.  And my relationship with my husband got a lot better.  You need to do the same.  Know your friends, your buddies, your spiritual advisors, the professionals in your life, your family and cast a wide net of support.  That way the safety net that is below you is super strong….because it is made up of all different strengths and types of rope.  It’s kind of like the first rule of financial planning – DIVERSIFY, DIVERSIFY, DIVERSIFY.  Treat withdrawal and recovery the same way.

 

5. Do not be afraid of physicians or other medical professionals.   We all have a little PTSD when it comes to health care providers because of what these crazy meds have done to us, but you CANNOT not see doctors and ignore health issues that arise in withdrawal because of this experience.  You are not going to be forcibly medicated; at the end of the day it is your body and you choose what to do with it and what to put in it.  So do not NOT go see a physician because you are fearful of what they may say or prescribe or suggest.  Many buddies have gotten through withdrawal successfully BECAUSE they took something like a beta blocker or remeron to help them through withdrawal.  Many others have had those nasty health fears that arise in withdrawal calmed because they went to the doctor and tests came back normal.  And know that whatever your experience with the medical establishment, there are alternatives out there.  The field of alternative / holistic / integrative medicine which tries to improve overall body health WITHOUT pills is greatly expanding, and there are practitioners everywhere.

 

6. Read and research benzo withdrawal until your heart is content, and then DROP IT.    Read, read, read as much as you can on benzo withdrawal – whether on BB, Bliss Johns’ book, or any other of the myriad of resources that there are out there.  But try (easier said than done) to not obsess.  My therapist has always taught me, “what you focus on expands.”  So guess what, if you don’t do anything but read and research about benzo withdrawal, that will become your world.  And that is not healthy.  For me personally, I give myself that hour I spoke of earlier to do my “personal benzo rehab” early in my day (9 to 10 am) and then I try to do other things – even if it is just chilling on the couch watching movies for the day.  Some days I am better at it than others – some days I am still on BB all day.  But I can tell you that the days I can compartmentalize it, the better I do and the FASTER TIME GOES. 

 

7. Practice acceptance.   Any buddy who has gone through this will tell you that one of the keys to recovery is to practice acceptance.  Like anything, we have days where we are good at it, and we have days where we yell, scream, cry, hit something.  The more moments, hours, days we can live in acceptance, the easier this journey becomes.  I tell myself everyday, “Accept today, but expect recovery.”  This helps me believe that today is just today, and that I can handle it.  At the same time, it also keeps me looking forward to recovery but not NOT living until recovery happens.

 

8. Know that you are worth this fight.  I don’t care how non-functional you are right now.  I don’t care if you have lost your job, are not the spouse / parent / friend you want to be, have lost your home, have run through your savings – YOU ARE STILL YOU, AND YOU ARE WORTH THIS FIGHT. You are worth it for all you are now, deep down at your core.  You are worth it for all you WILL BE when you recover.  You bring a unique set of gifts and talents to this world.  No one can take your place.  So you are worth this investment of time.  Who cares what everyone else in the world is doing, earning, experiencing?!  You will do these things again one day….and guess what….the only way you are going to do those things again is to recover…and the only way to recover is invest the time necessary.  I used to feel so inferior and awful when I tried to go to my son’s events at school, and see all the “perfect feeling” moms baking treats, participating in class parties, attending sporting events.  I was so dizzy I couldn’t see straight and would think “I wish I was them.”  Now I tell myself, “I WILL be them.  Just not yet.  But I will be them soon.”  And that change in thought process has made all the difference.

 

Please take these things to heart.  I tried and tried to get WFR to think along these lines, and she just could not get there.  It breaks my heart that I could not get her to BELIEVE these things, develop these skills, practice acceptance.  If I can get even ONE person’s journey to be easier through these suggestions, it will be an honor to her memory and her death will not be in vain.

 

I miss you WFR.  I miss your sweet Texas drawl.  Please look over all of us, and let us live each day rejoicefully.

 

Hoosiers. Hug.

 

Sarah

[[aw...]]

This got a little out of hand, but here goes:

 

Before I figured out that I was in severe IW, I would take my entire 6 mg dose of Ativan at midnight. About an hour later I'd change, subtly but seriously. "Disinhibition" describes part of it. I'd feel terrible fear, despair, and hopelessnes. I'd scream at the thing that was now in the room with me, cruel and mocking. Not visible, but there all the same. I'd scream in tears that I just wanted to be dead, just wanted the pain to stop. This was not the same as wanting to kill myself. Later, I would describe these experiences to myself and others as "the Night came for me". And the Night had a face, but I couldn't see it. Like in a dream. And I believed that if I didn't keep resisting, the Night would take me and I'd be gone, and my friends would weep--but it would be too late then.

 

All of this potentially lethal insanity was caused by Ativan. The acute depression, the 'visitations', the obsession with death. They just faded away as my dose stabilized and I began my taper. It's been last Christmas now since the night paid me a visit; and it was a no longer a fearsome, faceless thing. After starting to taper, I discovered that I have PTSD. Using EMD in therapy, I was able to recover the face of the night. It is the face of someone I knew well who killed herself.

 

I trust I'm not going too far with this subject. There's a lot of personal and disquieting imagery here, and I don't want to upset anyone who might already be upset enough. I hope this truth will shed some light and I hope all can see the message of hope and healing here. It's the benzo that's crazy, not us. We're fine, we just need a receptor upgrade.

 

We are a family, and when a family member dies the others bind together like a knot to keep the center from unravelling. Some of us are at high risk for suicide; I think we should watch out for those members, keep an eye out for them and maybe reach out to them before they need to reach out to us. Here is part of a poem by Walt Whitman. It has helped me cope with death.

 

***********************************************************

 

"O I perceive after all so many uttering tongues!

And I perceive they do not come from the roofs of mouths for nothing.

 

I wish I could translate the hints about the dead young men and women,

And the hints about old men and mothers, and the offspring taken soon out of their laps.

 

What do you think has become of the young and old men?

And what do you think has become of the women and children?

 

They are alive and well somewhere;

The smallest sprout shows there is really no death;

And if ever there was, it led forward life, and does not wait at the end to arrest it,

And ceas'd the moment life appear'd.

 

All goes onward and outward--nothing collapses;

And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier."

 

Walt Whitman, Song of Myself, section 6

 

************************************************************

 

Aweigh

[[ja...]]

Well written, Hoosier. I think a lot about the points you make as well. I can relate to WFR in that just being off benzos does not a calm life make. There is a lot of suffering that goes on after the "pink cloud" of jumping.

 

With regard to a support system, I found that Narcotics Anonymous is good, especially for the beginning stages. I went to a meeting where, at my 9th day after jumping, my hand twitched so much that I spilled my coffee everywhere. About 5 of them got up and helped me clean it up.

 

Anyway, as they say in my religion, may her memory be for a blessing.

 

jaxnj

[[Sk...]]

We are a family, and when a family member dies the others bind together like a knot to keep the center from unravelling. Some of us are at high risk for suicide; I think we should watch out for those members, keep an eye out for them and maybe reach out to them before they need to reach out to us.

Thanks, Aweigh.  We must look out for each other.  Something needs to be done about the long term benzo treatment.  It's a crime.  Why is nothing done about it.  People are not only killing themselves, they are loosing precious time of life when it feels like you are half dead. 

 

-SZ-

[[Po...]]

I posted on the other thread, but wanted to again express my sympathy and give thanks to the friends of WFR for posting here and giving us all things to think about.  Life gets tough and we need to be there for each other as much as we can.  My heart goes out to her family.

 

Plady

 

[[Sk...]]

I posted on the other thread, but wanted to again express my sympathy and give thanks to the friends of WFR for posting here and giving us all things to think about. Life gets tough and we need to be there for each other as much as we can. My heart goes out to her family.

 

Plady

Very True. 

 

-SZ-

[[ro...]]

Lily was my friend .I loved her.  I spoke to her everyday.

I have been struggling very badly and just found out right now.

I had been trying to PM her for several days.

I'm so heart broken.

I will miss her so very very much.

[[Sk...]]

Hey Robbin.  I know you say she "was" your friend.  I believe she still "is".  Death is only the beginning of something else. 

 

-SZ- 

[[ro...]]

Thanks Sky....I'm just so broken hearted I can't stop crying.  I miss her.

[[Sk...]]

You still have your other benzo buddies, like me.    I am your friend. 

 

-SZ-

[[ro...]]

I love you too Sky

[[ja...]]

I am very sorry to hear about WFR. My condolences to her family and friends. I just can't believe mankind invented such drugs that can lead us to these situations. What can we do to ban benzo's from the face of this earth. If it weren't for benzos, WFR would still be on earth enjoying her family and friends. I just can't believe this crap exists.

[[dm...]]

Thats what we're here for...BenzoBuddies...support, encouragement, empathy, help. Shoulders to lean on, cry on, weep on.

 

These devilish drugs that have hijacked so much of our lives are capable of causing such ultimate damage...We are all FAMILY in this endeavor to defeat these poisons...I feel the pain of WFR's loss, and even though I never knew her; never even messaged her, I feel I share much of her pain. As many of us did. And still do. We know the deep darks of major depression, we all share many common bonds...depression, anxiety, panic, bipolar, etc. and it is because of this shared sufferage that we MUST be here for each other!

 

And while I am still new at this tapering stuff...I feel a bond of loving support to every one of you out there and encourage any and all to PM me at any time if you are in distress and need support, or just want someone to talk to.

 

Hey Sky...my brother...stay the course, stick to the plan, stay active in the community...you have all my support and encouragement...you are stronger than klonopin. What is klonopin compared to the spirit that can smash it to pieces? Stick to the plan, stay the course...YOU CAN DO THIS!

 

My OCD mind just won't let this thread go. The loss of WFR, a fellow BB, has devastated me and I cry and weep over her loss. My depression has found a new low.

 

Grieveing

 

Dave  :'(

[[Sk...]]

Thats what we're here for...BenzoBuddies...support, encouragement, empathy, help. Shoulders to lean on, cry on, weep on.

 

These devilish drugs that have hijacked so much of our lives are capable of causing such ultimate damage...We are all FAMILY in this endeavor to defeat these poisons...I feel the pain of WFR's loss, and even though I never knew her; never even messaged her, I feel I share much of her pain. As many of us did. And still do. We know the deep darks of major depression, we all share many common bonds...depression, anxiety, panic, bipolar, etc. and it is because of this shared sufferage that we MUST be here for each other!

 

And while I am still new at this tapering stuff...I feel a bond of loving support to every one of you out there and encourage any and all to PM me at any time if you are in distress and need support, or just want someone to talk to.

 

Hey Sky...my brother...stay the course, stick to the plan, stay active in the community...you have all my support and encouragement...you are stronger than klonopin. What is klonopin compared to the spirit that can smash it to pieces? Stick to the plan, stay the course...YOU CAN DO THIS!

 

My OCD mind just won't let this thread go. The loss of WFR, a fellow BB, has devastated me and I cry and weep over her loss. My depression has found a new low.

 

Grieveing

 

Dave  :'(

Thank You for the continued support.  I feel great today.  I made it halfway through my first cut.  I know I will get through this.  I am going to the X-Factor auditions in New Orleans.  That is sure to be a true test of my mind's power over all of this withdrawl stuff.

 

I am also here for you anytime.  I love all my benzo buddies.  and I am always here for any of you.

 

 

-SZ-

[[dm...]]

Hey Sky,

 

I was born and raised in New Orleans!

 

Enjoy yourself but beware, lots of vices around, and watch your back...crime runs pretty high sometimes.

 

Mardi Gras Madness...we used to leave town!

 

Dave

[[...]]

Peace and love to all my benzo buddy friends.  We are in this fight together.  Let's never give up.  This is probably one of our hardest trials in life---ridding our bodies of these poisons. 

 

goga

[[re...]]

Hoosier, you brave soul--I just read your beautiful startup to this memorial thread, and my word, what a life-affirming way to respond to tragic loss and grief.  Your managing to put that together--and I think of the time and strength it must have required--especially while still coping with withdrawal yourself, and grieving too, is a testament to human capacity to transcend sorrow, and a fitting recognition of WFR, and the gifts she imparted to you.  You have passed on an immeasurable gift to the BB community by composing that amazing statement, so full of compassion and truth.  I love the part that says, "You are worth this fight."  A message I sometimes send out is that people in withdrawal should try to be proactive in self-care, because if you can somehow find the resources to cherish yourself in the midst of this ordeal, that in itself can be sustaining.  But I think you said it better.  Thank you.  You paid your dear friend the best possible tribute. 

 

Take the kindest care of yourself.

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[Sk...]]

well said, rek!

 

-SZ-

[[Ho...]]

Hoosierfan - I am so sorry for your loss of a good Benzo Buddie...Waiting for Relief.  How very sad to know that she suffered so badly that she lost all hope.  It is so easy to do during this horrific journey.  Your response to this was to reach out to all of us and show us ways to cope and deal with it.  That was very generous of you while in the pain of losing your friend but also the pain of withdrawal.  Thank you for your effort and I know it will be helpful to many of us here on BB.  You have honored WFR in one of the best ways that you could.

    Continue to take good care of yourself...

Love Hoping

[[dm...]]

You know, I just can't get over the very real significance of this tragedy as it applies to our continued effort to taper and get off...AND STAY OFF..these drugs.

 

WFR was 8 months xanax free (albeit she was subjected to a rapid DETOX) and succumbed to the assumably intolerable withdrawals she had been living with day in and day out for eight months. I cannot imagine the hopelessness and helplessness she must have felt...and I just want to underscore in boldfaced typeTHIS IS DANGEROUS STUFF.

 

Consistently, I just want to underscore yet again how very important it is to be ever vigilant to the signs of major depression, hopelessness, helplessness, feeling of giving up...RE-READ HOOSIERFAN'S ORIGINAL POST. She spells is all out in detail.

 

As for me? I am still realatively new to tapering...I'm only about 10 weeks in with probably about another 10 months to go...this scares me 'cause I find myself getting depressed...I have a lot on my plate (in addition to my taper): impending disability, unemployment, recently discovered cervical spine issues, relocation issues, domestic issues, etc. S******l ideation is always on my mind, has been for YEARS. Years of a stressful job, a troublesome marriage, living thousands of miles from friends and family. Living in constant fear, misery, and malaise. In and out of psych wards, receiving ECT treatments...being on every conceivable psychoactive med at one time or another...many doctors and psychiatrists...all to no help and ending up a benzo-junky.

 

Yes, I must be on guard too and heed my own advice...so I'll say it again, as I've said in other posts: What we're doing here, this tapering...getting off and STAYING off our benzos is NO JOKE. Its a deadly serious game of survival...even fter the benzos are gone we must continue to be vigilant.

 

We are at war, engaged in battle. And in war there are winners and losers...lets all agree to make sure that the benzos are the losers everytime!

 

God bless everyone out there

 

Take care

 

WFR...you live on in our hearts and minds.

 

Dave