Can someone explain how your wrinkles look on your face from withdraw

[[pr...]]

Pretty

I have a smiliar situation with my mother, so I know how you feel. I haven't spoken to her in 12 years. She has no love for me or my sister (we are her only children). Sadly, she's unstable. She could pass for normal, but we know better. I'm lucky though because I have other people in my love who love and respect me.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with the w/d. You're not alone though. We're suffering too. My hope is that we are all on the road to recovery. If you saw my thread, I spoke about the photo I took today. I took it at the same location as a photo taken 10 months earlier. Both my father and boyfriend we saddened by it. They could clearly see that I aged 10 years. If there was any doubt in their mind before it's gone now. My boyfriend tells me he loves me no matter what. He says my appearance isn't what made him fall in love with me. I feel sad though because I want to be pretty for him. I don't want him to be ashamed of me and embarassed to introduce me to people. What man would want a haggard, bald old woman hanging on his arm. :(

 

Hope,

 

i didn't see your thread but i would like to. can you copy the link and post it here? i am so sick right now i don't know if i can find anything. my mother could pass for normal too but i don't think she is. i didn't really realize until recently that i have been dealing with one of the most narcissistic, childish mother ever. and because of that i haven't really eaten that much in a week since she is still mad. i am still not able to get up during the day to make my own food. i make some but i am still so sick.

 

i feel like i am truly going through this withdrawal all alone and during my shower tonight i was so saddened by that thought that i was burning up and i KNOW that i would have felt so much better if i just had some kindness and compassion for all that i am going through.

 

at least you have people in your life that love you. i don't have one friend anymore. i don't have one person. i haven't had a boyfriend in over ten years! i don't know how much longer i want to go on like this and i am still too sick to make my own food.

 

by the way, if you go on a raw diet totally that could make you detox way more so try having some cooked foods with the raw. it could affect the benzo w/d and you don't need anymore waves. (just my one cent)

 

i'm sorry about the picture. i've seen photos of myself recently and it's frightening. i won't do that to myself anymore. i don't know what it's going to take to get well and i don't know how much longer i can take this?  i just started a thread about how sad i am and that i may die from lack of food. i hate the fact that i am still bed ridden and she knows this.

 

i'm going to have to write a letter to my father (who lives here) because that is how this family works, they can't communicate and everything gets done by letters. isn't that awful? so i will have to write him a note about what is happening since he doesn't know, only because he's in denial. i've already told him a million times. i am reading two books on the subject so i hope they help me.

 

anyway, sorry for the rant. just really sad tonight--and hungry. i made oatmeal but i am sick of oatmeal.

 

things will get better! our looks will come back and we will be shining brightly! (i want a boyfriend) oh, and i really believe that any man will love the woman he is with no matter what she looks like, no matter the age. i've just started to come to believe that in this withdrawal as klonopin always had me believing the opposite!

 

love, pretty

 

Hi Pretty

I wish so much that I could give you a big hug and prepare a meal for you that you will really love. You are such a sweetheart and you deserve love and support.  I hate that you are suffering through this terrible withdrawal and your mother is too self-absorbed to help you.  I know what it’s like to have a narcissist, childish mother. My father was wonderful to my sister and me but when we were children he worked at a job that was over 50 miles away from us, so we really only saw him on the weekend. My mother hated being a parent and she took her frustration out on us every day. She was violent and cruel. She got much worse after my parents divorced and what’s even worse is my father only had visitation every other week. My mother made sure of that in court. She resented my father and wanted to make him suffer.  I lived at home until I was in my late 20’s. When I became an adult I wasn’t afraid of her anymore and her BS had very little effect on me. I was self-reliant and I was only staying at home to save on rent. I moved out when my fiancée (now ex-husband) and I bought our first house.  I can’t imagine how it would have been to be living with her if I was suffering from Benzo w/d. It would have been an utter nightmare. 

 

You are 100% right about the raw food diet causing detox.  I did the diet for about 2 months over the winter. I had some heightened symptoms while I was on it but it wasn’t too much to take. I had awful emotional and psychological symptoms at the start of my w/d but they became more manageable after the first 3 months. I’m at 9 months now and I’m struggling mainly with insomnia, night time cortisol shocks and all the ugly physical symptoms I’ve described.  In the beginning I think I had every symptom in the book, but I guess I’m fortunate to have weathered that.

Tell me about how your feeling. Are you weak? How do you feel when you try to get out of bed to make food. I’m so pissed at your mother for not caring for you. It’s amazing how heartless some people can be. Sometimes people are shocked about the stories I tell about my mother. They can’t wrap their minds around how a person could have no love for their children. I’m reminded of my mother’s attempts to be nice. For example, if there was every an occasion where there were 2 cookies left or 2 of anything, she wouldn’t give one to me and one to my sister. She would take one and split the other for my sister and I to share. It’s seems like such a minor thing but in fact it’s very telling about the way a person see’s themselves in the world. She wasn’t a momma bird protecting her flock. She was caring for herself and we were after thoughts. Honestly, whenever I feel sorry for myself, I thank God it wasn’t worse. There are tons of children who are lucky to make it out of their families alive. I know that’s pretty sucky when that’s all you have to compare to, but it does help me gain perspective. I think my rotten experiences made me the person I am today and I pray that I’m never at anyone’s mercy again.

Regarding your meals. Is it at all possible to order delivery…like pizza or Chinese food? I know it’s not the healthiest but it would save you from having to get up and prepare it in the kitchen where your mother lurks? Do you have an appetite for that type of food?

I think that’s a good idea to write a letter to your father. Strangely my family is a little like that too. I’ve received letters from my father and I’ve written a few to him.

I know that when you get back into the world you’re going to find love. You’re such a kind, soulful person, I can’t imagine you being alone for long. You and I haven’t even met and I consider you my friend. Don’t ever worry about rants. If you’ve got a rant, I’ve got 10 to fire right back at you.

Love , Hope 

 

Thank you so much Hope! God how i wish you were here right now. i need someone. i just had to call the police. my mother would not stop screaming at me. she hasn't stopped in over a week and i can't take it any longer. i just did a rant about her on the protracted thread. she just kept yelling and saying the most hurtful things and i just kept writing and writing. i don't wish to harm myself. but i am in the worst spot ever because i am still so sick i can't get out of bed and that note to my father did more harm than good. she's has gone literally insane! since she crossed over to valium from xanax she has gone insane and i am going to call her doctor when i can. since she is always up here where i reside and i never get to use the phone in any kind of privacy.

 

so yes, today i felt like i was back in acute w/d. i don't know if it's the stress from her? but it sure felt like i was a few months out and i could not get up to go to the store and the note got back to her and she screamed at me in the morning for hours and she just did again. i cannot believe it! truly insane! and she is so passive aggressive that she got my father and my brother to believe whatever she is saying and now they both are being mean and not talking to me and making my life here more hell than it already is. i cannot believe i've been doing this benzo withdrawal and being bed ridden here for over 1 year. it's never been this bad before and i am not sure what is happening?

 

it seems like the Universe is kicking me out of here. which is fine with me but i am just not ready. i am too weak and i tremor and vibrate so violently still. i am in such heavy and thick derealization that this whole thing seems so unreal and like i am in a total nightmare hell. and i can't stick up for myself. i swear to fucking God i will get them back when i am well. excuse my language--but i have to--i have to and i have to! this is utter torment! full on torment.

 

i don't have anyone to talk to but i think i'd better get some kind of therapist fast to help me process all of this abuse. the things she says makes someone feel like they should kill themselves. how would i ever be in any kind of relationship? i can't believe how hurtful she is. i would never say the things she says to me to her for hours on end. and she doesn't even hear herself. how crazy is that? boy am i going to call her doctor.

 

and my brother uses a chemical soap that gives me worse headaches than i already have and even my mother is bothered by his soap. and he just doesn't care! and he smokes every hour on the hour and thinks his 4 year old daughter can't smell his cloud of smoke when he gets into (my) bed with her at night. that's right he sleeps in my bed while i have to be upstairs on the couch. i will get him back when i am well. i promise! like Tara, and as God as my witness!

 

it's disgusting his smoke mixed in with his soap. and he has the nerve to keep putting me down to both my parents because he is too chicken shit to say things directly to my face. he is such a coward. they all had better watch it when i am well and i move out of here. i will get them back for this. i can't believe my father's betrayal. i never thought that would happen but it has. i am so alone i can't believe it. i really wanted to call my family today to tell them about the awful people who are abusing me. i don't know what to do? i wish i had the guts to kill myself right in front of them and i don't know why i don't?

 

i'm sorry about your mother. doesn't it hurt when someone that is supposed to love you doesn't? or it's conditional? my mother's love is so conditional. i don't know why all of this is happening right now./ and it's so intense for me. i wish i could feel like you did and her BS not have any or little affect on me. do you think it's because of the benzo w/d that my feelings about this are so intense? do you think this could change? even the police officer said the only thing i can do is to get out of this relationship!

 

all right, i am getting so tired. i couldn't rest at all today because of her yelling and i've been on way more than vibrate since she has gone insane this past week. so when she leaves the house this week i am going to call her doctor and i will try to find a therapist for myself.

 

thank you so much for talking me through this and hanging in here with me. throughout all of this and even in this horrible benzo w/d, i do believe that i haven't had unconditional love and that i deserve it and i never thought that before. but what really scares me is that i feel like i will attract myself to the same kinds of energies of emotionally absent men just like mom and dad are and do the same things all over again. i really would like a good therapist who can take me out of that energetic cycle. i hope somehow i am ending this now by realizing that i am worthy of so much more. i don't know if that is enough?

 

what should i do now as far as acting around her or talking or not talking? i guess i will somehow get my own food. if i can get out of the house i can do some shopping. i tried to today but was just too sick i couldn't believe it?

 

okay, thanks again for helping me with this!

love, pretty

[[su...]]

Hi Pretty,

My god, I so feel for you righht now!

I wish I could just magicly trransport you to my spair room and look after you for a while!

It's so unfair what you have happening and with WD into the bargon!

You don't deserve this, no one does!

For whatever it's worth, and I know it's odd on a system where we are virtually all anonimous to eachother, we can still love and make friends.

You have plenty on here, and me definitely as one!

It saddens me that many of us will drift off into our old lives and never meet.

I totally understand why it has to be as it is, but There are many on here, you in particular who I'd love to give a big hug, or just sit down and hold hands and talk, or even just be there quietly for a while.

Please don't do anything bad to yourself, You will be an amazing strong person when you come out of all this, and any shallow energy circles you've been in in the past will go away, because you've evolved past them now.

No matter what gets done by who, you always have yourself, and that is what they can't take away.

You will come again to love that self when it heals!

 

[[Ho...]]

Hi Pretty

Wow! You deserve so much better than having to call the police on your crazy mother. I give you credit for coping as well as you are in the face of tremendous stress. I understand how desperate you must feel and sometimes self-harm seems like the only escape. PLEASE do not succumb to those thoughts. You DO have friends and a support system. We may not feel real at times when you’re in that house of horrors, but we are real.  My routine of late is to read your post in the morning before I go to work and I seriously think about you during the day and say a little prayer for you. The first free minute I get when I return home is devoted to responding to your post.  I feel like Surprised1. I wish I could teleport you to where I am so you could weather this storm in a safe, supportive environment.

I can’t believe how the letter backfired! I’m so disappointed in your Dad and brother. WTF! Is there no one in your house with an ounce of compassion? Unbelievable! So from what you wrote I gather that Mommy Dearest is on benzos! Yikes. I’m sure that can’t be good. She sounds more than just passive aggressive….more like AGGRESSIVE, aggressive! I’m sorry you’ve been stuck in this hell for so long (1year). Have you had any windows? Or has it been an unending WAVE filled with tremors and derealization? I can understand now why you are a prisoner in that house. I’ve had derealization, it SUCKED! Btw- why does you’re a-hole brother get to sleep in your bed while you’re stuck on the couch?  That sounds slightly unfair. I’m not there though so I don’t know what the arrangement is. I’m guessing it’s because of your little niece. I hope she is doing ok and isn’t going to carry the scars of the dysfunction junction over there. I’m sure that your benzo w/d is making your mothers crap much harder to bear.  When I was a frazzled basket case, crying all the time, wigging out in the mornings….every stressor nearly dismantled me. I guess I needed some good old GABA receptors to calm me down and I probably had one receptor left in my whole body at the time. I must have grown a few back because I feel saner now. I’m sorry you have bad headaches.  Maybe you should steal your brothers axe body spray and flush his smokes down the toilet. I’m kidding. If your mother found out she would probably go into orbit.  In my case I realized early on, that my mother was mentally unstable.  Having that understanding helped me.  I knew that it wasn’t my fault and that I was dealing with someone who probably should have been in a sanitarium.  The only reason she wasn’t was because she could pass for normal when she was in public.  You say your brother is a coward, so was my mother. She let her insanity flag fly when she was around weaker, helpless children. When I was an adult her insanity was no longer violent. Maybe because she suspected that if she kept up the bs there was a good chance I would bust her ass. So strangely her insanity took the form of a sullen, silent treatment. Maybe she though I gave a shit.  We could literally pass each other on a narrow stair well and we wouldn’t even make eye contact.  I’m telling you that I could NOT CARE LESS. I actually saw the humor in it. She was my tormentor when I was a child and she turned into a big joke when I grew up. When I left there, I never looked back.  I know that you won’t either, and if you do it will be on your own terms. I know that you are going to make it through this.  I look forward to the day when we can reminisce about these dark days and be glad to be free. As bad as you feel now, I can tell you that you express yourself very well and anyone that reads your posts knows that you have a good head on your shoulders. Be proud of that. You’ve already won the life lottery because you were blessed with intellect, integrity and compassion in spite of unusual parents. This feels like the end of the world but it isn’t. It’s a terrible set back. It will alter your life temporarily. Don’t lose sight of your goal. When you feel bad or stressed please do not hesitate to write me.  I will be here for you. 

Love, Hope

 

[[pr...]]

Hi Pretty

Wow! You deserve so much better than having to call the police on your crazy mother. I give you credit for coping as well as you are in the face of tremendous stress. I understand how desperate you must feel and sometimes self-harm seems like the only escape. PLEASE do not succumb to those thoughts. You DO have friends and a support system. We may not feel real at times when you’re in that house of horrors, but we are real.  My routine of late is to read your post in the morning before I go to work and I seriously think about you during the day and say a little prayer for you. The first free minute I get when I return home is devoted to responding to your post.  I feel like Surprised1. I wish I could teleport you to where I am so you could weather this storm in a safe, supportive environment.

I can’t believe how the letter backfired! I’m so disappointed in your Dad and brother. WTF! Is there no one in your house with an ounce of compassion? Unbelievable! So from what you wrote I gather that Mommy Dearest is on benzos! Yikes. I’m sure that can’t be good. She sounds more than just passive aggressive….more like AGGRESSIVE, aggressive! I’m sorry you’ve been stuck in this hell for so long (1year). Have you had any windows? Or has it been an unending WAVE filled with tremors and derealization? I can understand now why you are a prisoner in that house. I’ve had derealization, it SUCKED! Btw- why does you’re a-hole brother get to sleep in your bed while you’re stuck on the couch?  That sounds slightly unfair. I’m not there though so I don’t know what the arrangement is. I’m guessing it’s because of your little niece. I hope she is doing ok and isn’t going to carry the scars of the dysfunction junction over there. I’m sure that your benzo w/d is making your mothers crap much harder to bear.  When I was a frazzled basket case, crying all the time, wigging out in the mornings….every stressor nearly dismantled me. I guess I needed some good old GABA receptors to calm me down and I probably had one receptor left in my whole body at the time. I must have grown a few back because I feel saner now. I’m sorry you have bad headaches.  Maybe you should steal your brothers axe body spray and flush his smokes down the toilet. I’m kidding. If your mother found out she would probably go into orbit.  In my case I realized early on, that my mother was mentally unstable.  Having that understanding helped me.  I knew that it wasn’t my fault and that I was dealing with someone who probably should have been in a sanitarium.  The only reason she wasn’t was because she could pass for normal when she was in public.  You say your brother is a coward, so was my mother. She let her insanity flag fly when she was around weaker, helpless children. When I was an adult her insanity was no longer violent. Maybe because she suspected that if she kept up the bs there was a good chance I would bust her ass. So strangely her insanity took the form of a sullen, silent treatment. Maybe she though I gave a shit.  We could literally pass each other on a narrow stair well and we wouldn’t even make eye contact.  I’m telling you that I could NOT CARE LESS. I actually saw the humor in it. She was my tormentor when I was a child and she turned into a big joke when I grew up. When I left there, I never looked back.  I know that you won’t either, and if you do it will be on your own terms. I know that you are going to make it through this.  I look forward to the day when we can reminisce about these dark days and be glad to be free. As bad as you feel now, I can tell you that you express yourself very well and anyone that reads your posts knows that you have a good head on your shoulders. Be proud of that. You’ve already won the life lottery because you were blessed with intellect, integrity and compassion in spite of unusual parents. This feels like the end of the world but it isn’t. It’s a terrible set back. It will alter your life temporarily. Don’t lose sight of your goal. When you feel bad or stressed please do not hesitate to write me.  I will be here for you. 

Love, Hope

 

Hope,

 

oh my God! your post may me tear up so nicely that it relieved this awful headache i've had for days. i feel so blessed that you and surprised have helped me out so much. surprised i will send you a PM. last night when she was screaming at me i had forgotten that i had ranted about this on three different threads and you and another woman have said such helpful things to get me through this--i really can't thank you enough! sometimes i don't even feel wanted or welcomed on here and it's hard to know who to trust and who to let your feelings fly out to. but then once in awhile some elegant and amazingly generous souls surprise you!

 

well, when i woke up this morning i felt better and i didn't wish to harm myself. i could feel that the storm had finally passed and this one was the longest one. it was over a week. i can do that with her as well--we can pass eachother on our narrow stairwell and our eyes won't even glance at one another's.

 

and while i didn't have a full on window this morning, my brain felt so much better and wasn't bashing in and on itself so i was able to get up and i went grocery shopping and i made all my own food today which did feel so great not to have to rely on her. i didn't speak one word to her or to anyone else all day and i plan on keeping it this way for as long as i can . i am so angry with my father for not understanding and not being able to listen that i've been in a deep burning crushing wave with heavy derealization and that this was too much for me. and i needed protection and he yells at me instead. i will get back to him about that, i promise i will, i couldn't believe what was happening to me yesterday morning.

 

so i am in this horrendous wave with what seemed to be more than just derealization. i couldn't recognize anyone and i didn't really know what was happening or where i was. and all of a sudden i hear her screaming downstairs again. and i knew it was from the note i wrote to my father. and then i hear my brother screaming to her about me and about the soap. he just won't bend on using a soap that is chemical free and he knows that i've been sensitive to chemicals for over ten years, this is nothing new. he is just that an A-Hole! and i just felt like everyone was against me and in a benzo withdrawal wave and that derealization it's like the worst acid trip and that is exactly how it felt. it was like--all of a sudden something was created out of nowhere and i was going to get it and then i did get it good for 2 hour while i was trying to sleep she screamed in the kitchen. and i was vibrating so violently.

 

and then for 2 hours at night before i called the police. i am so glad that i did call the police because i think that action may have calmed this storm. so yes, she is in a benzo withdrawal herself and she has been a monster since she crossed over to valium. like a zombie monster. and the reason i am not in my bed in the room downstairs is because i couldn't stay down there because it's kinda moldy and i couldn't take the mold. or mildew they say it is. but it literally made my nose twitch my itself and would not stop when i first got home from the detox after the c/t. and my brother got evicted from his home 4 months after i got home from detox. and he has his daughter every other week and she is growing up living in that room in my bed with her father and still taking showers with him and she will be 4  years old soon. and i think he should have stopped that now or 6 months ago but he acts like a f'king jerk to me so why should i help him out and shower with her?

 

plus i still don't really feel up to it. but if he would be nicer and treat me better i certainly would. i adore her! so that is why i am in the middle of the living room on my couch and i can hear everyone in the foyer in the mornings going in and out and it's truly maddening. i've learned to live with a lot of shit during this benzo w/d and if i ever get well and get out of here into my own place it will be a miracle and feel so good. and thank you so much to all of you who would take me. the other woman who's thread i ranted on about this said she would take me in too and that felt good to hear. i am pretty easy to live with. the benzo withdrawal is another story

 

so right when my brother moved in my father gets extremely ill and we thought we were going to lose him. he had contracted TB. how, i don't know? but we all had to get tested and it was one thing after another. and my brother is on opiate's. he takes norco all day long and he smokes one cigarette per hour so i have to hear the door open and close and also hear him clear is smoker's throat when he does go out for his smoke. i mean--he is so disgusting and i don't recognize him at all. he was never like this. he was really into health and keeping his body fit and he was a tennis instructor and now he smokes a pack of cigarettes a day, eats sugar and peanut butter sandwiches, get's evicted, takes norco for his phantom prostate pain. and he is always creating something to yell at his daughter about. something always happens where he has to yell at her for something and then i hear her crying downstairs. it's just so bizarre and i do think he has taken on some traits from my mother. i am more like my dad and just keep to myself. but my mother and brother think i am the full on monster and i am not!

 

this whole year i've only had one window and that was last April 11th. and then this morning i did come out of that month long wave just a little so maybe a partial window. and then i felt two turning of a corner type healing. but other than that it's been one wave after another. the last 2 nights my brain would rev and rev so fast and there would be waves of burning going down my legs and i would be up every hour. and all my dreams were about being in some kind of tractor that loses control. everything was out of control because of all the intense revving that my brain was doing. it was so intense i can't figure out the words to use. and the burning was so severe. i hope to God it was a healing revved up wave. i mean, i've had dreams where the moon is blowing up--and i know that is because of what is happening with my brain. it's always revved up and pounding down on me. i really feel like i blew out my brains in that detox and it's just going to take me possibly longer than other's to heal from this.?

 

but yes, she is also my tormentor. that is exactly how it is. she torments me and when i tell my dad that he gets mad at me for saying such a thing. he is never around when she is tormenting she knows to make sure she does it when he is not around. 

 

so how did you learn to not care less because i really need to not care anymore? i've got a few books on "emotionally absent" mother and "narcissitic mother" that i just started to read so i am hoping they can help a little bit but i really do need a good therapist so i can at least talk to someone about this and start finding the right resources and help to move me out of here.

 

i found it adorable that your routine of late has been reading my post in the morning and i can't thank you enough for thinking about me and also for your prayers. if you are a serious prayer, i really need some serious prayers. and although i am not ready to leave here and i must get stronger and at least stop vibrating so violently and have my brain stop all this pounding, i really could use some serious prayers about protecting myself. learning how to be totally independent. here first with food all my bills and then finding a great place with possibly a wonderful roomate. i wish i was ready to leave but i am just not yet and that is sad. but i've got a lot of healing to do and i must start having some windows so i don't have to lay on my bed (couch) all day.

 

okay, i will end this post to you now. and again i thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your generous time and wonderful words that are truly helping me get through this right now. i don't have any friends right now. benzo's took away everyone and i am still not ready to try to connect with some of the old friends i had. it's been ten years or more that i've talked to anyone i use to know. the minute i started to take the klonopin again in 2002 after having 7 years benzo free before--i just isolated and pushed everyone out of my life. so it's only 1 year that i am benzo free and i am still in thick DR and just need more time.

 

have a great day today and i hope to talk to you later on ~

love, pretty

[[Sc...]]

I started this thread some months back and I am here to update my status. I am about 9 months off Klonopin and I have to say YOUR LOOKS WILL COME BACK!. I had wrinkles where wrinkles shouldn't appear on your face. I had verticle wrinkles on the sides of my temples that are fading and I had extreme hairloss. My hair is coming back(I don't know if it was MPB or Benzo withdraw) because I started on propecia when I was losing alot and my hair is coming in great. My wrinkles are not completely gone but they are getting better. I think it will take many people a year to get there looks back. Good luck to everyone! Time does heal.

[[su...]]

Hi hope and pretty and Scottybenzo

Oops, we've pulled this a little off topic, but no matter!

Scottybenzo,

I'm glad you've had some reversal of this, that's fantastic, and really encouraging.

I'm still getting obsessive thoughts and wave stuff relating to aging, so your last post is definitely encouraging!

To pretty,

Well, to me you are a friend, and certainly, I  considder you as one.

I sometimes still get waves, like now, and I think of what you're going through, and it's orders of magnitude more than me. and I hope for good changes for you.

Same for you too, hope, although we don't know eachother as well as pretty and I do currently.

but you too seem like a wonderful person.

I'd better go off and check my PMs!!!

Glad you've had some relief, pretty, you'd really reached crytical yesterday!

 

[[Ho...]]

Hi Surprise, Scotty and Pretty

True, we did get a little off topic! Scotty - thanks for the reassuring post. I'm so glad you are seeing improvement. I'm not there yet but I'm trying to hold on to "hope", thus my screen-name. I can tell you my skin literally feels like an oversized skin suit. It's so lose and saggy it's like science fiction. I even find it painful to rest my elbows on the table because the skin is so lose, thin and weak that it feels uncomfortable like my bones are jutting through. I can't imagine that the elderly even feel like that. Next time I'm talking to an 80 year old, I'll ask them!

Surprise - thank you for the kind compliment. I just know you are an angel  . I love nice people!!

Pretty - I moved our correspondence to the PM zone. Keep your chin up girlfiend! You're gonna get though this. No question about it, you hear?! :)

[[pr...]]

hey scottybenzo,

 

thanks for bring it back to topic. i was laying here last night after i had been on here and thinking "oh my God, i am so out of it right now" from everything that happened and this withdrawal and severe derealization that i didn't even realise i was on someone else's thread just typing away--typing and typing away. i've come to a little and i'm glad i got it out though and thanks to Surprised and Hope and everyone else who helped me through this.

 

well, i am a little over 1 year and still in pretty bad shape. still bed ridden during the day, still only 88 lbs. having difficulties eating. but i do recognise myself looks again. i still have a long way to go though. since i am so thin and i too have a vertical "brain" line on the left side of my face. i have mostly left side brain injury vibrations so i am still waiting for that brain line to fade. i am still in a bad wave--although it lifted to a partial window yesterday--then right back to a wave.

 

i guess it's just taking a little longer for me :'(

[[su...]]

Hi all,

Pretty, it was chrisis day for you, you needed to have a good wrant on here, and I hope it felt better to at least share things a bit. I think we've saved the thread now!!! <grin>

To hope, Well, I don't know about angel, but I try to help!

The one redeaming part of benzo WD, if there is one, is that we do give and seek compassion.

I know some get really angry at times, and they have every  right to, but normally it's the opposite.

We all need reasurence at times, and can give it at others.

That is perhaps why BB is the success that it is!

Back to on topic,

Most of us loose weight due to appetite and so on, and facial fat seems to drop off too.

I'd say definitely anything there will come back to normal after things streighten out.

This thread has probably gone into most of this, it's actually pretty big!

Maybe I'll go back and re read it sometime, perhaps once I'm out of the woods, I hope that really happens sometime!!!

Cheers:

[[Ho...]]

Update

I still look totally frightening. HAGGARD AND OLD!!!! HAGGARD AND OLD

 

I HATE looking at pictures of me from before the withdrawal. Majorly depressing!

I've gotten used to my new look, so looking at old pictures makes me sad becuase I can't believe that used to be me.

I actually used to be PRETTY!! It's amazing! And now I'm ugly.

 

Anyway, see ya

 

 

[[ju...]]

Derma Rolling!

 

All of this has been happening to me too. Became noticeable in Nov. 2011 in a work photo. I'd gone down to .25 Klon, was in a very stressful environment (homeless shelter) and had been off alcohol for almost a year then. Am 48 now. last year, first read acout Percutaneous Collagen Induction Therapy, known as derma-rolling--controlled micro-injury to the skin causes collagen production, which drops off with aging and stressors like benzo WD. Mine had apparently been going quietly apesh*t, dwindling down to nothing.

 

The info on cortisol's effects on the skin and muscles has been extremely interesting/affirming, and likely explains what I've noticed in my own face and body and read about in this thread. Derma-rolling may take a while to work--6 months now and have only recently begun to see results in my downturned mouth and jowly, haunted face, and neck as well.

 

I use Neutrogena's retinol and a DMAE (firming) serum by Reviva, and Retin-A generic when I can afford it, which was six months ago. Bought my rollers on amazon.com, a 0.5 and 1.5 mm. needle length. Taking mega doses of Vitamin C as well. No idea what to do about the crepe-papery skin on my forearms besides forearm curls and maybe retinol, when I can afford it.

 

After the hell we've been through, looking like we've been through that and more seems mightily unfair. Please google derma rolling--it's somewhat painful (numbing cream can be purchased too, but haven't tried this), and is, for me--if you're bothered/scared by changes in y our physical appearance.

 

Still holding out for Botox (scowl lines) and Thermage laser firming treatments while trying to accept what I can't seem to change just yet....

 

Best to all of you,

 

jd

[[pr...]]

i think the only thing that can be done for the crepe-papery skin on forearms is somehow totally balancing HPA axix, thyroid, progesterone and all other sex hormone's and keeping estrogen's and endotoxin's at bay. and mega doses vitamin C and other antioxidant's internally and externally--no chemicals, cortisol levels down.

[[Ho...]]

I did get the derma roll in .5, 1 and 1.5.  I used it at least 3 times a week for about a month. Maybe that's not long enough, but that fact is I saw no results, got depressed and gave it up. It seems like it could only target the surface of the skin anyway. My sagging goes deep into the muscle. Honestly I've tried tons of $hit and nothing works. I think the only thing that could truly work is building a time machine and going back to 10 months ago before the withdrawal. I'm getting so depressed that I'm starting ti wish I never withdrew. What did it get me? Nothing but hell on earth. I wasn't actually having any real problems when I was taking the 1 mg a day. I guess I decided to stop taking it because I saw Janice Dickenson on Dr Drew.  She was of course completly losing it and I got scared. Little did I know the true hell I was in store for. I try to be strong and give moral support but it's hard to maintain that when I'm forced to go through life looking like an F'n halloween mask. WTF!

It's unrelenting. I'm so tired of my ugly face. My eyes look like 2 piss holes in the snow. I hate myself

[[pr...]]

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif

 

2 piss holes in the snow! that's fucking hilarious! awwwww, it's got to get better. i understand how you feel. i can't believe i never heard of the derma roll. i am an Esthetician, i have to check this out. i like stuff like that even if it doesn't work

it will get better. tonight i was looking at my whole body. and while i am so far off and my tush is still droop's of flattened pancakes, it appears i may possibly be gaining some weight and i don't have one ounce of an appetite. i'm eating less than a bird lately and i look like i may be gaining? it's weird. i can't look at my face and skin yet. if i talk about it i will get really depressed, so i won't.

 

just saying, it has to get better at some point when the cortisol goes down and the brain heals.

so sick tonight! think i better just go to bed. constipated even though i had magnesium and 2 cascara sagrada's. i think i am ovulating now so i have to deal with those PMS emotions and brother uses too many chemicals, makes me sick

[[Ho...]]

Hi Pretty

I'm glad you are seeing some improvement. I know your struggle has been hard. Thanks for the support

 

[[ju...]]

It takes six to eight months to see results with the derma roller. owndoc.com (or.org), run by Sarah Vaughter in the UK, has some really good information on the subject. She is trying to sell her own products, of course, but the info is valid. I eased up on it too, not seeint the results I wanted right away. but was motivated to go back, and now I think I see something.

 

Of course, I use the retinoids and DMAE serum, all available online. When I get back into nursing--must have a couple of public intoxications expunged first-- I plan to save for a Thermage laser treatment to tighten up the collagen at a deeper level. Don't know if I am at the point at which I will actually need a complete facelift, although I would surely take one anyway were if given to me--the recovery time is scary, but so are our difficulties with benzos.

 

And here's a cheapie: Scotch tape--no knockoffs-- for the vertical forehead lines. Make sure the area is clean and dry (use an astringent like witch hazel), and then apply it to the wrinkles or grooves. I have a heavy bang, so I venture outside with it on. Sometimes I use something heavier, like medical or duct tape, when I'm alone. this serves to immobilize the so-called 'elevens' and discourages the formation of the horizontal omega, which used to be used as a clinical indicator of depression. When ppl are distressed, they tend to make distressing expressions. This is the poor woman's Botox, and I"m sure it has helped me.

 

Will incorporate the info about the crepe skin--thinking sleeve tats right now, it is that bad--when I can afford one or both alternatives.

 

Good luck to all of you in this struggle.

[[Ho...]]

Update - in certain light I'm starting to look less scary.

It looks like the hollows under my eyes and under my cheek bones are starting to get a little more meaty and filled in.

I don't know if this is just a temporary window....I'll keep you posted.

 

[[Ho...]]

mind you, it's only in certain light. Most of the time I still look like a strung out crack head.

My ipod takes the most frightening pictures of me.

[[ea...]]

My goodness, Juliad, how do you afford that stuff???

 

[[ac...]]

If you say you are not that old there are a lot of things that can reverse damage to the skin. Benzos causes free radical damage to the skin which depletes many vitamins and the natural anti-oxhdant that the body produces naturally called GLUTATHIONE, in order to put back into the body you have to take NAC - N-ACETYL-CYSTEINE which helps to make glutathione naturally.  So skin damage actually can be reversed.  There are plenty of free radical scavenger anti-oxidants to take to detoxify the liver of all kinds of toxins    Also there are creams you can buy with the fountain of youth DHEA in them which is good for elasticity and vitamin c is good for collagen.  There is hope after withdrawal.  Magnesiun calms anxiety that lowers chronically high levels of cortisol, melatonin, seriphos and phosphatidylserine sold thru METAGENICS to name a few.

[[pr...]]

If you say you are not that old there are a lot of things that can reverse damage to the skin. Benzos causes free radical damage to the skin which depletes many vitamins and the natural anti-oxhdant that the body produces naturally called GLUTATHIONE, in order to put back into the body you have to take NAC - N-ACETYL-CYSTEINE which helps to make glutathione naturally.  So skin damage actually can be reversed.  There are plenty of free radical scavenger anti-oxidants to take to detoxify the liver of all kinds of toxins    Also there are creams you can buy with the fountain of youth DHEA in them which is good for elasticity and vitamin c is good for collagen.  There is hope after withdrawal.  Magnesiun calms anxiety that lowers chronically high levels of cortisol, melatonin, seriphos and phosphatidylserine sold thru METAGENICS to name a few.

 

i think it's good to use all those good antioxidants for the skin like vitamin C and DHEA. that is why i am hooked on the Cosmedix "Phytoharmony" as it has DHEA in it and it causes a very nice plumping of the skin/it also has glutathione and other antixoidants. N-ACETYL-CYSTEINE is something i definitely wish to start using but i heard it can cause some bad symptoms if one is early out in a benzo withdrawal so i'm waiting on that one. i do also wish to start a good glutathione and liver cleanses. i did start milk thistle.

 

Hope, glad you are at least seeing some improvement in certain lights. i can too and when my brain is more calm i look like a teenager again. it's when my brain starts revving up that i instantly look ravaged again.

[[ac...]]

I have them all lined up for when I finish my taper, because this mess enhances the aging process, it puts your body in a catabolic state that starts the aging process, and make people look older than they are.  I also found out that an imbalance or depletion (post memopause) of sex hormones contributes to the aging process also.  I only mentioned the NAC, because glutathione supplements do not absorbed that well, you have to take other anti-oxidants to help to produce it naturally in the body.  But I understand what you are saying about the brain, an't wait to get started.

Best of Luck!

[[pr...]]

I have them all lined up for when I finish my taper, because this mess enhances the aging process, it puts your body in a catabolic state that starts the aging process, and make people look older than they are.  I also found out that an imbalance or depletion (post memopause) of sex hormones contributes to the aging process also.  I only mentioned the NAC, because glutathione supplements do not absorbed that well, you have to take other anti-oxidants to help to produce it naturally in the body.  But I understand what you are saying about the brain, an't wait to get started.

Best of Luck!

 

i can't wait to get started too. i am in process of learning how all the sex hormones and thyroid are so crucial to keeping one not only stay looking young but also help the metabolic rate go back to how it acted when we were in our teens or younger.

i also heard that if you take glutathione with cytoredoxin it absorbs better--have you heard about that?

[[Sc...]]

I think some guy that wrote in the forum was right about wrinkles taking about 2 years to go away. Mine are starting to fade and Iam 9 months off. I had wrinkles on my face where there shouldn't be wrinkles. They are fading. Rest to sure people they will get better and fade. I am 39 and Look in my mid 40's ugh. I hate wrinkles. Should I get plastic surgery and look like Liberace..LMFAO

[[Ho...]]

Hi Scotty

Same for me. I'm 42 and I look like I'm 48 or 49 and kind of sickly. I used to look young for my age (like mid 30's). I'm 10 months out and I'm starting to notice some slight (very slight) improvement. By the time this benzo aging ends , I'll be in my mid forties. It makes me sad that I will have lost these years. I was doing a really good job of staying young looking until this happened. That's all over now. It's funny. When I started aging rapidly at the onset of the benzo withdrawal, my friends and colleagues would look at me with a concerned look in their eye. No one does that anymore because they are used to the way I look now. They've forgotten that I used to be pretty. I haven't forgotten though. It makes me really sad.