The Klonopin Klub

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JKS, my friend, we're all here somewhere--I think this season things get a little sketchy, maybe for a variety of reasons: people are extra-busy, or the holidays are making an already challenging situation even more difficult and draining, or some combination, perhaps.  Anyway, I am so sorry you are having another bad day--you're on a bumpy road, to say the least.  It's going to get better--really it is.  And I think, yes, the tears could be a very good thing indeed.  I know it's hard to be crying so much when you're trying to keep things together for your family, but you can only do so much--cut yourself some slack.  I hope sleep comes to you tonight.

 

I hope EVERYONE gets some sleep.

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[pe...]]

Hi JKS. I'm sorry you're feeling sad but glad you're getting to cry again. I've been shedding a lot of tears in this final part of my taper. I hope you sleep well and that things brighten up for you in the morning. It will get better.

 

Brian- I'm confident you'll find your way. I'm very curious to hear what the expert has to say about your taper next week. I'm hoping he guides you towards satisfying answers. You are so thoughtful about your health and healing. I have all the confidence in the world that this will get worked out for you. I hear you on the feelings being all too familiar. I've had waves of depression throughout my life and know that I'm prone to it. I also feel strongly that I know how to pull myself out of a 'normal' depression. Those things just haven't worked while on and withdrawing from klonopin. It's a beast. I think questioning what is causing your anxiety is tricky. Even if you have a past of anxiety, I have no doubt that the cuts your making are increasing your symptoms. You've made some pretty big cuts that are probably catching up with you. I've seen many people on bb cross over to valium, maybe even up dose until stable, and then resume a very slow taper. I think people like Bart and Etown offer great advice on several different threads.

 

ColoradoChick - I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts. I hope your nephew is ok. I have no doubt your family knows your love even if you can't give them 100%.

 

I also want to thank all those who check in and provide support even though they've made it safely to the other side or are well on their way. Nothing can replace the voice of experience.

 

I'm ok. I made a cut of about 25%, from .0195mg down to .015mg, about a week ago. I thought it would be a big deal, but not yet. In many ways, I feel better than I have for a long time. But I still have a lot of fear, some head pressure and a little cognitive fog. For the last several days my symptoms have been very low, at times absolutely forgettable. It's weird after feeling possessed for 12 months. I'm not trying to completely understand my emotions right now, just trying to sit with them. One thing that is helping me tremendously is taking gingko. It's pretty outrageous the difference it's making in the quality of my symptoms. I'm sure the gingko is helping because I took it for awhile and things got better. I stopped and things got worse. I started again and things got better. I don't think it's a coincidence. If anyone is interested in learning more, there's a whole thread on gingko and the success some have seen with it. I think this is a link to it:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=81617.0;topicseen

 

Peace to you all,

Peace2

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Good morning, K Klubbers.  JKS:  So sorry to hear of your distress.  I'd say, just cry and it doesn't matter if its healing or just part of the experience, its a good emotional release.  I cried almost daily for months... it seems to have passed.  "You'll see summer come again." _ Grateful Dead.    Brian, so glad to hear you've found someone that can work with you.   I think its true there is only so much anyone can do to help us...it really is up to us but I found it incredibly reassuring when I found a doc who was just able to say... I've got your back... although she was not particularly benzo wise... she was supportive and recognized this would be a long arduous journey and for that I'm grateful.  It really did help.  Colorado Chick:  I'm glad to hear your brother is able to talk and understand what happened and is optimistic about recovery.  I've said a little prayer for him.    About the causes of ax.  I've been doing some reading on neuroses.   Although I have strong thoughts that I will never be free of those things that cause me ax, I am beginning to see the roots of some of it and am actively working to counter the behaviors and thoughts that give rise to it... now that I understand  a little more about obssessions and compulsions...a lot of what has happened to me is starting to make sense.  I think it is why meditation works so well w/ this... When we are not fully invested in our lives we leave ourselves open to all kinds of insidious, distracting behaviors.  They don't have to be pathological to be cumbersome and this experience seems to be able to make the most benign problems... problematic, if not downright pathological.  I'm starting to develop another area of anger toward my docs... if they had been more studious in helping me understand my neuroses... I, likely, may have never needed K in the first place.    Full blown OCD may not respond well to psychoanalysis but understanding the underlying cause of why WE do not fully invest in our lives can be very liberating and as I've experienced myself... just because its not pathological one day does not mean it can't be the next.  So, as they say, find the truth and it will set you free... I'm not sure anyone w/ deep seated neuroses can ever truly be free of them... they do so get into the the very grit of our being, but I think we can use the information to understand our experience and recommit to our lives... that life that is lived in every moment... you know... the only one we really ever have.  Praying everyone finds a little peace today  :smitten:   Njoy

[[li...]]

Hi Everyone!

 

Love your name, Peace!

 

JKS - I am sorry you are having a rough time.  As you know .... it's all about cycles .... and thank God they pass.

We are here for you .... you are not alone.

 

Brian - it's always good to hear from you.  I have always respected your self-analysis.  I suspect smaller cuts at this stage now that you are lower, will pay dividends for you.  I am interested what the new doc will suggest.

 

Colorado Chick - so sorry ..... thinking of you and your family ....

 

Take care, my friends .... your health and happiness will return. 

Eat well, meditate/breathe, play music, watch comedies .... what ever helps to distract you out of this temporary .... yes, I said 'temporary' .... challenge.

 

Lizie   

[[ho...]]

Hi Klubmates,

 

I've been reading here... got caught up since my last post and want to start by saying " I'm feeling the love here and I'M LOVING IT." What an awesome group of people. I'm so glad to be a part of it!

 

Rek, Always love hearing from you, you're so positive. Thanks for sharing hope.

 

JKS: Sorry it's tough for you right now. I agree that shedding tears is a good thing, just letting the frustration out with them. I tried to view it as part of my healing. Like Peace2 said... It's cycles. Those waves come and go for me too. We're in this together.

 

Njoy: What a gift to know yourself so well. That is something that takes work and I admire that. I enjoy reading your insights.

 

Peace2: I checked out the ginko thread myself, thanks for posting the link here. I've wanted to try it but haven't worked up the nerve yet. The more I read here about it working well for others the more confidence I get about trying it though. Maybe this would help Brian.

 

Disney Girl and lizie: Thanks for your positive support and kind words.

 

Colorado Chick: Still keeping your nephew in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.

 

brian : Don't ever worry about long posts. I feel that the more you put out there, the better for all of us. This benzo business is so confusing. We never know what to expect. Your post did make me think concerning the anx. though. My sister in-law took anti anx. meds (over 20 years ago), and got off them after about a year. She continued to have anx. and panic attacks for years later. About 4 years ago she found out she had hypoglycemia and controls her anx. by her diet. I think it was discovered by a blood test. Just a thought. Hope you get the answers you seek from the docs. When I was in acute my chest pains were severe for a good 6 weeks then began to settle down. I still get them sometimes.

 

Dear friends we are in a battle. The good news is that it can be won. It might get bloody, we may have to adjust our strategies, we might have to retreat and lick our wounds. But little by little we gain ground. One day we all will stab our flag into the ground in victory and freedom. As we go along we learn coping skills. Many of which we find here at BB (thank God). My main thing is prayer and you are all remembered in them. Soon it will be one year since I found BB. When I first came here I was a total mess both physically and mentally. It seemed that I wasn't making headway for a long time. Looking back I can see that I have made great strides. I admit that I am sick and tired of waves. But I really feel that even though the waves still come... I am healing. And one day... Stay strong and at peace knowing you are making headway too.

 

As far as my sticking around... Where else could I find the understanding and support that is here. Yes, I jumped, but still need this place, the battle isn't over. And when it is I plan to still be here, maybe not as often but I feel I must give back. There are so many who come here every day looking for hope. I've not been to the Welcome Board for awhile but intend to get back there real soon.

 

blessings,

hopeful2013

 

 

 

 

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Hi, all -

 

Again checking in briefly -

 

Hopeful, talk about positive--that's you!  Thank you for being here at this thread!

 

Peace2, I'm glad to be reminded about gingko, which I think I should try again.  As I've mentioned before, I reached a point where I eschewed pretty much all supplements, but I wonder whether I might find gingko salubrious now.  I'm not feeling in great need of anything in particular, but . . . well, I guess at this stage I'm on the lookout for things that may ease the aging process.

 

Colorado Chick--I apologize for misreading your post, and thinking it was a brother, not a nephew you were referring to.  Anyway, the sentiments I expressed are the same either way.  All of us here--I know I can say that--are hoping for the best for you and your family.  When you can, please let us know how things are.

 

Lizie--another positive force here at the Klonopin Klub!  So nice to hear from you.

 

NJoy--rock on!  You're clearly providing inspiration for so many here.

 

JKS, has today been any better than yesterday?

 

And to everyone I haven't named individually--wishing you windows, always.

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[Co...]]

Thanks for the words of support regarding my nephew. A good part of the day was devoted to trying to band together as a family and take care of each other. It looks as if I will be taking my nephew to the cardio Dr. to determine how we will follow up and what will be done to see if he has damaged his heart. Our family situation is tough right now.My brother and I live 10 miles apart. My brother's wife is ill. She has been hammered by lyme disease and has been sick for a long time. I have always been involved with his kids. He has a 14 year old girl and my nephew who is 17. This past year has changed things as I have been down and out for much of the time. It is amazing how the human spirit can rise to the occasion if needed. My nephew has been confused about what his position is right now. It is easier for me to explain it to him as I work in medicine and completely understand what has happened and what is at stake. That being said we went back in time today. It was as if he was 5 or 6 years old and came to me for shelter. I was sick when I woke up this morning. Something snapped into place and I became the caretaker and I had this boy saying-'Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for being there.' He has no idea that I have been sick. The rest of the day fell into place. Now at almost 6 pm I am feeling ok. I have helped my family and I am feeling ok. Not great but ok. It felt good to take care of someone else. That is what we do. Take care of each other.

Thanks for all the support.

 

CC

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Thank you for the update, ColoradoChick--you're right: it's amazing how someone else's urgent need can actually cause us to transcend our own distress.  It's so good that you can be there for your family.  Not being in medicine myself, I don't know whether what's happened to your nephew is the kind of thing that his being young and resilient can help him recover from more easily, but I hope so.

 

Hope you can get some sleep, everyone.

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[ya...]]

I was hoping for some wisdom. I am trying to stabilize  before I taper off Klonopin.  I switched  from 1 mg Ativan after tolerance withdrawal. I am  starting .7 per day today (.35 twice daily). 1 Mg made very depressed. At .6 Mg I still have 2 to 4 hours of anxiety and only 4 hours of sleep. Your advice is appreciated!!

[[ho...]]

Hi K Klub,

 

I am having the most rotten day that I have had in months so I'll be brief. I' ve been in bed all day with my heating pad dozing. I either have a flu bug or got slammed with a bad wave, I don't know which. All sx are physical.

yalcar Welcome to the KK. It may take a few days to feel the affects of the updose to .7. Getting stablized does not mean symptom free necessarily.... it is more along the lines of getting to where the sx are managable. Many here experience anx. and sleep issues during tapering. It is our brain adjusting to the K reduction. You are the best judge of what is tolerable for you. Keep posting, letting us know how you're doing and your questions. You will get through this. We are here for you.

 

blessings,

hopeful2013

 

 

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Hopeful, I am so sorry you've been blindsided by this . . . whatever-it-is!  I hope it's very temporary.  Could it be partly the season--weird weather changes and stuff?  I don't know what geographical area you're in, but . . .  well, hang in there, dear--with any luck this will have been a one-day glitch.  Wishing you relief, and soon!

 

Peace,

 

Rek

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Yalcar:

The best definition I've heard of stable is when your symptoms are "manageable" (which I interpret as not extremely painful or disabling) on any given day and they don't change much from day to day. You may benefit greatly from changing to 3 or even 4 times a day dosing. Equal doses separated by equal time intervals gives the best results, IMO.

 

Aweigh

[[Co...]]

hopeful,

 

What a bummer. I am hoping that you feel better soon. On any given day it is hard to be down and out but with w/d on top of it there is so much more to deal with. It is Monday. Not my favorite day of the week. I woke up with a splinter under one of my nails and a sty in my eye.  :'( This too shall pass.

 

Wishing you well,

 

CC

[[be...]]

Boy oh boy. Just discovered this thread. Very hard to go through over 5,000 posts. Clonazapam is a nasty med indeed. I sometimes wonder how this med is even legal. Seems to cause more issues than solve. I'm a bit discouraged to see so many are still having problems so long after being Clonazapam free.

 

Anyway. I have just made a cut to .25mg per night before bed. When I go to sleep for about 10-20 minutes. It feels a little like I'm awake but I'm dreaming. For the past week I've been taking a small dose of Gravol to get a half decent night. I often get these odd jolts - feels like an electric shock - in my brain. Not sure what the cause of that is, I assume it's withdrawal. In any event I don't want to keep this Gravol thing going much longer. I plan on staying at .25 until after the Christmas holidays when I'll make another cut. My doctor is opposed to taking another shorter half lived med. 

 

I find my short term memory terrible these days. I read with my son and after a few minutes I have no idea where I am on the page.  have these feelings of apathy - almost a numb sort of feeling mentally. I fumble words. Is this permanent? Will these things improve at some point?

 

I have been doing my tapers with diluted peach baby food. I'm seeing that this may not be ideal. I have seen some posts that mention whole milk? What is the right way to go in terms of it dissolving to get reliable cuts?

 

In the meantime I'm going track back further in this thread....thanks for reading!

 

[[ho...]]

Hi beezee,

 

Welcome to the KK. I used whole milk. I just put the K crushed to a fine powder in it and stirred with a back and forth swishing motion for 3 min before I drew out the cut.

 

How do you measure using the baby food?

 

Don't worry, the fumbling for words gets better and goes away in time. The brain zaps will too. So many weird sx but our brains do heal.

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful day. I'm better but still hurting.

 

blessings,

hopeful2013

 

 

[[be...]]

Thanks hopeful.

 

The way I was going about it was using diluted baby food. 50 ml. An easy number to cut from. I would dissolve - or so I thought - .5 mg or whatever the quantity for easy math. I would then with an eye dropper remove 20 ml. I then assumed I was taking .30mg for example.

 

Next cut I'm going to use whole milk.

 

[[ho...]]

Beezee, I would suggest going to the pharm and asking for a 10 and 1 ml oral surynge. Then stick with your last cut for awile to allow for any dif with the change in equip.  I feel that as you go lower it is better to be as precise as you possibly can be.

[[be...]]

Thanks again. Going to stay at .25mg for 3 weeks or until I feel stable enough to cut again. Good idea about the 1 ml syringe. Been rolling with the 10mg ones to this point.

[[...]]

Beezee, wanted to welcome you to the Klub.   i think you are in good hands w/ Hopeful.  I consider her one one of the poster kids for liquid titration.  I also want to say that I concur that you aren't experiencing any sx that we aren't all to familiar w/.  I am where I can read a book now, but I remember being where you are.  Ive been doing luminosity games.  They don't seem to be a permanent cure but when I do them regularly, which isn't always, my mind seems to step up for awhile.  You seem to have a good handle on this.   Good Luck  Njoy

[[Co...]]

Good news and bad news. The good news is that my nephew went to the cardio thoracic MD today and was cleared. No damage to his heart. My family is so relieved. Thanks for all the support I received here in regard to that.

The bad news is that 10 days after cutting my dose I am pretty sick. I thought I was going to catch a break here but not so. Yesterday I thought I was in a window. Deceptive little boogers that benzos are. I woke up this morning so nauseated and I knew. The day got longer and I got sicker. Trembling and freezing. So jittery and dizzy. I go to the Dr. tomorrow. It is a regular scheduled appt. Just have to wait it out. I am hoping that I will stabilize by Christmas. Feeling fatigued and ill but it will pass. :'( :'(

 

Feeling yucky in Colorado

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CC, I wonder whether your feeling so ill now is a sort of backlash reaction, after you rallied for the family crisis?  I think that sometimes happens--you're going through something, and somehow your body/brain puts whatever it is on hold when you have to deal with some separate emergency, but then when the urgency has passed, you get hit--for a little while--harder than ever.  It's wonderful news about your nephew, though--what a relief!  Now we just need YOU to feel better--I hope you can sleep tonight.

 

I hope everyone does--as I always say.  I'm sorry that I'm not contributing more here just now--swamped at work, and exhausted tonight!

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[Co...]]

Thanks so much Rek. You may be correct about the backlash reaction. I will post tomorrow. Still hopeful that this will pass.

[[...]]

CC:  Such good news about your nephew.  Sorry to hear of your wave.  I concur that it may well be a backlash reaction.... all the ax w/ your nephew has probably left you mentally and physically exhausted.  Concentrating on calming and comforting yourself may help you find your strength again.  You are an amazing person and you will prevail.  Rek... why do you apologize for having a life and living it? That's what you are supposed to be doing ... that's the strength I gather from you.  That it gets back to normal.  So much is better, I hate to complain, but I can see it even when others can't and its bothersome.  I am working harder on myself than I ever have, really trying to be both comforting (something I was NEVER able to do) and, pushing beyond my comfort zones to inhabit my days.  Its you and others that come back to "it keeps getting more normal (even the bad days) but its worth it" and, to me, more importantly, you have not just left us in the dust of "those" suffering people.  The doctors become impatient, go home, move on. You have been there!  Rememberance is more important to human psyche than I will go into here but suffice to say... just to know you are there... that you know we are here... its an amazing feeling.  I'll take whatever amazing feelings I can get these days.  And if one day... you just drift into the ethers, I will remember you.  Njoy

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Thank you so much, NJoy--what a lovely message from you!  It's hard for me to believe you were never able to be comforting--you're so good at it!  Also you offer plenty of very specific tips here to help people figure out their tapers, which is something I can't really do so well, since I didn't exactly taper.  Your presence here is invaluable, and I know folks here look for your posts and draw strength from them.  So thank YOU for everything!   

 

CC, with luck the wave you're in will ebb very soon.  Maybe thinking of it as a reaction to recent stress can help you keep it in perspective, which in turn could perhaps de-intensify it a bit.  I hope so!

 

I'm now in a position to comment on a sort of new realization.  When Jax (whom many of you, but not all, know well from this thread) was climbing out of the benzo quagmire, she noticed that certain kinds of sensory experiences became more vivid and alive--colors seemed brighter, for instance.  I'm not having that precise experience, but something perhaps akin to it.  Life just feels more possible to me, less fraught with obstacles and weights that drag a person down.  And I find that it feels nice to be living in a body, even when that body is not functioning quite as well as I'd like.  I have a re-sprained ankle, for instance, at the moment, a mild recurrence of a bad sprain and fracture that happened first in my twenties and then was repeated in my thirties.  Both those times I had to get around on crutches for six weeks; this time it's nowhere near as bad--I'm still ambulatory--but the ankle is persistently bothering me.  Last night, though, as I was preparing for sleep, I found that it was oddly pleasing to notice the pain and just accept it for what it was.  No doubt that would be much harder if the sprain were worse, if it were debilitating, but the fact is that even when I was coughing my ribs to smithereens a few weeks ago, and was completely wiped out by the upper respiratory infection I had, I felt fundamentally good.  Actually GOOD--there's no other way to put it.  The problems didn't feel insurmountable, and I guess that's the crucial difference.  When the benzos have their claws dug into you, the challenge of getting past them often just feels like too much to handle, and it takes a serious leap of faith to believe that "this too shall pass."  But it shall, it will, and folks, it really IS worth the struggle.

 

Hang in there, my friends--persevere.  You're getting there, and you WILL get there.  You'll defeat the demon and send it packing, back to its nasty little cave. 

 

Wishing you all relief and windows -

 

Peace,

 

Rek       

[[am...]]

Glad you are feeling semi human again again REK. Me too !!