The Klonopin Klub

[[aw...]]

NJoy:

" I was accused of being lazy and not doing more to help myself the other day... think I'll just avoid her in the future.  Like you, I am so proud of all of us.  We suffer so much and w/ little support, understanding or encouragement.  We have each other but mostly we are alone in our little corners of the world... taking one day at a time and trying to traverse a wasteland w/ few resources. " 

I've known you for a very long time, and this isn't exactly the NJoy with whom I'm familiar. This new revision has quick, effective responses when her fears come to call, knows she's not lazy (you? lazy?) and doesn't have to listen to BS from people who think she is. She also appears to be sure enough of her own strength and wisdom in tapering to offer it to others who ask, because they can see it, too.

You've said here that the demands of this taper have forced you to deal with issues that have plagued you all your life, and I think know what some of those issues have been. Now I can see it happening in myself. Like Jimi Hendrix said: "Fall mountains...just don't fall on me!"

 

Aweigh

 

[[...]]

Rek, have a good trip.  The ocean sounds wonderful this time of year.  i went to Maine one winter many years ago just to see 100 ft waves crashing over cliffs in a storm.  Very cold but well worth the trip.  Aweigh, my dear friend, and yes, you are right, a few new strengths are comin' round to help me through these troubled times... just in time, I think!   I have to laugh about the "quick, effective responses."  Sometimes they are too quick.  Fortunately, in this particular situation, I was able to just walk away and remind myself to just not go back for more.  The old me would go back and try to convince her that I was doing "something."  Not the new me!   I'm doing a much better job of taking care of myself.  I still try to help others, just not to the detriment of my own well-being.  I had a therapist tell me once that healthy people take care of themselves.  Now, I have some idea about what he meant.  Hoping everyone finds some peace in the day. Njoy

[[th...]]

29/12/13

Today another migraine w/aura attack. The other one occurred on 26th. It was since september that I had not suffered from it.

My morale is shattered. This migraine deja-vu is another stone I have to bear during this damned de-tox. I am wondering if I have eaten something bad during these days or maybe the fact that i have not exercised myself for the last 10 days.

Migraine attacks are a heavy stone for me, they come suddenly, they are debilitating, I have to stop what I am doing, and I see myself projected at 90 years old. I feel old, i feel useless, undervalued, I hate my life. I don't have any reason to react, anymore, I need my therapist right now.

The aim of my personal diary was to come back to laugh with her: but now this aim has become impossibile to reach because she left me, and I still don't want to reach it anymore.

How can I ever think to ruin the life of my partner? Oh, how long, how many years of suffering I have imposed to you, my little Elena.

Now you are free. Go and fly, breath some fresh air because the bulk that i am is behind you. I will stay here on the ground. Go and enjoy your smiles, your beautiful laugh, your beauty. I dont' want you, i can't want you, anymore.

I am a brake for myself. I am a brake for everybody who wants to spend some time with me or wants to share a project with me.

Now I am afraid of everything. I am afraid to take the car and go on vacation alone, I am afraid to go to Barcelona with my friends, I am afraid to take a flight, I am afraid to make my dreams come true. Between my life and myself I have a ton of health problems, and I can't enjoy my life. I can't live. I am devaluating myself and I don't have a goal in front of me. My balance is lost.

I feel myself under a crystal dome, protected by my parents as if I am a teenager, and every time I try to make a step outside it the flames of hell come to remember me that I am sick. I am tired, devalued, tried, scared, fragile, deluded, hopeless, alone, intoxicated. I feel myself in a vortex.

What the hell can I offer to my beloved? What the hell can i share? What the hell can I offer to myself and to my life. A lot of problems, here's what.

I am still, if not worse, the same person that you - my little Elena - left alone 15 days ago. Unless I change, I will be the same individual whose self esteem is under his shoes, with his sickness and poor health. Unless I change, I won't be able to offer anything to anybody.

[[...]]

Trader, you are falling into the abyss.  You need to remember that you are doing what you need to do for you right now.  If she is young, it just may be too much for her.  You know what they say about letting love fly away and if its real, it will come back.  I don't want to give you false hope about Elena but you will see yourself again as whole and capable of real love.  Perseverance is everything.  I hope you have someone to talk to that can be there w/ you.  You are alive, it is a new day.  I know what you mean about the headaches.  I was just begrudging them myself this morning.  I can only encourage you to keep on keeping on... try to concentrate on you and your needs and what you can do to take care of yourself.  As difficult as it may be to see, you need to know you are doing the most important thing for yourself.  Considering how difficult it is for ourselves, think what it must be like for others... it is not a patient world and patience is everything w/ this.  Try to take a walk or find a distraction till this funk passes.  i know this kind of talk seems shallow in the face of a loved one walking out but you need to rally for yourself.  I'm sending you :angel:   Try to find some way of distracting yourself....and stay in touch... I have to go out today but I will check in later.  Njoy

[[al...]]

Hey guys! I am almost finished my clonazepam taper WHOOHOO!! . I am currently taking 0.125mg's. I was wondering if anyone jumped at that dose or  at 0.066. I would like to jump at 0.125 but I think it more prudent to do 0.066.....Which is roughly  equivalent to 1mg or valium. And Ashton recommends jumping at 1mg valium.... Any advice or experience would be appreciated? Bama.xo

[[...]]

If you are asking for advice from me I'd say be very careful about jumping at .125.  I'm at .020 K and I'm still symptomatic. I made a couple of small but quick cuts and I'm feeling it. I've done Ashton all the way and even jumping at .020, which I thought I could do, now seems senseless, as I don't have to and even if it is all just psychological, doesn't mean I should have to suffer unnecessarily.  I think giving myself this option is evidence of what the experience has taught me about taking care of myself. 

[[al...]]

Yes I think I will not jump at 0.125....it would be too much.....Thanks for the advice  Bama.xo

[[so...]]

Hi, I have a question about dry cutting if you guys dont mind.  I am new to all this; trying to figure out how to get off zopiclone and clonazepam and quit smoking too

 

My scale is supposed to get here on january 3, so i am just looking at planning..

 

Right now I am taking .25 at 11am and another .25 at 5pm.  Would I just take off 5% of my total daily dose then?  So I will be using a exacto knife to cut pieces off my pills until the weight is right?

 

I originally ws prescribed this to help with the daytime withdrawal of the zopiclone, but I also have a pretty bad sleep problem.  I wonder which dose i would work on eliminating first, morning or evening, or just take the 5% off both?

 

I appreciate any replies as i am kind of lost with this

[[Sk...]]

Just wanted to pop in and say hi. 

[[St...]]

Somni,

I'm still working out the best way to taper from 0.25 mg 2x per day. I too was going to dry cut all the way down but just found it too time consuming so I decided to try titrating the 0.25 ODT (orally dissolving tablets). I have found it to work really well the last couple of days. It will be about one more week before I'll feel the effects of my cut, but I cut 10%. I am mixing one .25 mg tablet in 30 mL of water then drawing out 3 mL (or 10%). Very simple. Takes under a minute to do. Hope this helps. 

S

[[pe...]]

Hi SkyZone- You've got to give us more than that. How are you doing?

 

Somni - Hello and welcome. I don't have a good answer for you. I reduced by milligrams of dose not by weight of the actual pill. I'm sure someone else will chime in with more experience.

 

Alabama - Congratulations on your progress thus far. It is no easy task. We are all different, but I tried to jump from .125 back in June and here I am in December still tapering, but near the end.

 

Trader -I am so sorry you're hurting. I agree with everything Njoy said. I am married to the most loyal person I know, and he is starting to weather from this nightmare. It is so hard for any of us to stay with this journey. I can't say for certain if I'd be able to stand by and watch someone go through this. I hope you can find someone close to provide encouragement and comfort. If your parents are able to care for you, let them. As a parent, it is a gift to be able to care for my children. It is hard for me to care for them as well as I would like right now, but I hope in the future I'll be strong enough to hold them through difficult times. Certainly, keep up with us here and we'll give you what we can from afar.

 

NJoy - You and Rek keep me going. This would be far harder to accomplish without the patience and wisdom you both promote and practice. I'm down to .006 as of today. I too thought I'd be off by now and I also don't see any point of pushing it at this point. I just continue making decisions based on my symptoms. I hope the rest of your taper continues to go as well as it has so far…if not better.

 

Rek - I wish you a beautiful time at the ocean. I am a landlocked person and have been craving the ocean for months. It's first on my list of places to visit as soon as I'm strong enough to manage. Please give her a wave and a smile from me.

 

I just keep on keeping on, sometimes with a smile and sometimes through tears. I am very tired from this journey. I feel like wishing it would end is counter productive and really try to just stay inside each day without getting ahead of myself. That's been harder lately as my brain begins to wake up and come back online. I get a taste of better and I want healed. I know it's not over yet, I've still got a ways to go. And so I go. At .006 I am moody, tired, have head pressure, tension, headaches, vibrations through my body, depression that comes and goes, difficulty concentrating and a touch of anxiety. Sometimes I just want to scream and break cheap plates! But I know it could be worse because it has been. My sister says my recovery is so close she can 'taste it'. I think what she means is that I'm noticeably better than I was a few months ago. So okay, I'm okay.

 

I am wishing peace and comfort for all of my kk friends.

Peace2

[[ho...]]

Dear Friends,

 

I was going to have a quick read here before bed and wait til tomorrow to post but I feel compelled to post tonight. This is for sure the hardest thing we've ever done. It is draining, frustrating and lonely. It hurts like hell... it feels like hell.

Peace2 I think you are wise " not to get ahead of yourself ". I think having expectations is a set up for disappointment. Best to take it as it comes and keep pressing onward. It seems like the road is soooo long. Reading some of these things tonight brings me back to almost a year ago. As I look back, in some ways it seems like a very long time ago. I do remember all the sx but I don't know if I really remember just how intense it was. Maybe that's a good thing. I feel like I'm rambling, my heart feels so heavy. I hate what this damn drug does.

 

We can win. We can fight this and be better. I know that I am better and I know that all of you will be too. I will happen. When I first made up my taper schedule, I looked at those pieces of paper and thought " this is gonna take a long time ". And for a while it felt like a long time. I think the depression added to that feeling. Hang in there everybody. We have each other to lean on. I look forward to celebration benzo freedom with all of you.

 

Sending blessings,

hopeful2013

[[Te...]]

What's up people

 

Just thought I'd check in. I'm about 2.5 months off benzos and I'm like 96.5% back to normal. My only issue is that I've had a really dry tongue for the past week. Dunno if it has to do with all the candy and junk food or the couple of beers I've consumed  It's annoying! But it will pass.

 

Hope everyone is doing well. I was a MESS a year ago today. Now I'm going back to school to finish up my degree in accounting. Life is good! Well, aside from my dry tongue but it's all good.

[[th...]]

Thank you Njoy for your words, and thank you too Peace.

Today I am passing through another circle of fire.. during these days I am completely alone at home, everybody went on vacation, and my therapist too..  everybody except my father, who changes "topic" every time i try to tell him how I feel.. I am sure he is too sensitive to hear so much suffering, and he dodges my lament..

Moreover, my ex girlfriend has totally disappeared.. 16 years together (out of 33 that i am) burned in 10 minutes of conversation 15 days ago, she's become a phantom and I really have no words to comment... An icy stone of vengeance is growing inside my heart..

the issue that is sticking in my brain here is that I can not understand where the boundary of the reason of my sickness is.. I mean... am I struggling for clonazepam w/d or for having suddenly lost the other 50% of my life? is the funk (as you call it Njoy haha  ) getting worse because I am here all alone? or because of k? or both? Shall i reinstate? Force another cut?

 

Really don't know. I guess the only thing I should do is to let the time pass. And try to eat something. And try to stop my brain with all these non-sense questions. And try to stop to stare at the phone hoping in a message from her, calling me back, at least just to talk.. but i am still the one she left.

 

Thank you buddies to be here to keep a friendly ear to my words.

 

[[re...]]

Hey, folks -

 

A quick check-in from a device with an awkward keypad, just to say "hey."

 

SkyZ, how are you, anyway?

 

NJoy and Peace2, thank you for the nice vacation wishes!  I will kiss the ocean for you, Peace, not just wave!

 

Everyone: wishing you all windows on the eve of 2014, and on into the new year -

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[am...]]

Hi Trader,

 

Sorry to hear that your GF bailed on you in your time of need. That was a long relationship for a 17 year old !

 

There is always the chance that you may get back together if it is meant to be. That is awfully young to be tied down for good though. I wish you well healing (emotionally and benzo wise) and I compliment you on the Gilmore, Wright & Mason song that you chose !! What a perfect song for where we are at in this bad trip - coming back to life !!!!  

 

Patrick

[[...]]

Trader, I see your mind is comin' round.  Yes, let some time pass, eat something and let your brain rest... there aren't a lot of questions that need to be answered at the moment.  Finding simple distractive ways to let the time pass really does help.  I will say, I don't think I could have done this w/ my father around.  He had no patience for anything!  On the other hand, knowing what he would think helped me make very short lists early on in my taper so that I accomplished something on a daily basis.  You would laugh to know those lists included things like, "brush your hair,"  "take a bath," "eat something."  And, I mean... one of those things a day! I think back on how undone I was then and know that in those little urgings I was able to get through the year.  For me, my life is still not "normal" but I don't sweat the small stuff so much anymore.  You talked about going to Barcelona.  I remember New Year's Eve... 2000.  The networks produced an entertainment show of acts from around the world.  There was a flutist, playing on the balcony of some castle and I think it was in Barcelona.  It was beautiful and the image is still quite vivid for me.  I remember being caught on an ice cliff one time.... couldn't go forward, couldn't go back... long way down... but you know... I got off that cliff.  Someone came out there to encourage me.  And that's how I got through this... finding people that understood the experience and encouraged me... I'm wishing for everyone here a new year of moving forward... "coming back to life." I love D. Gilmore... thanks for the song   Njoy

 

[[am...]]

Wow Njoy,

 

You sound like a fun, outdoorsey type lady ! I love mountain climbing, but never did any ice climbing. Good for you !

 

BTW, my father was extremely impatient too, but he was also one of the smartest and most giving persons I have ever known. Here's to a great 2014 for all of us !! 

 

Patrick   

[[...]]

Ama:  yes, I'm pretty outdoorsy... weathered and worn   i want to ask you, how are you doing?  I'm at .02.  I thought I would jump from here but I'm scared.  I'm thinking why be afraid... just keep taking it down till there's nothing to be afraid of... but I'm really at .02 of the .25 pill dose.  So, I may not be getting any K anyway.  I don't know how to figure how much K that is.  I've started to have trouble sleeping but not always, lots of muscle distress and headaches... also.. I suppose its depression... I just don't want to say that out loud.  I had terrible problems w/ depression before I had children...(many years ago) but the kids and being widowed early on... depression really wasn't an option so I learned to activate myself out of those states and it worked really well but those depressions presented w/ lots of emotional distress.  Now, I'm just so lethargic.  I'm not sure what to make of it... and telling myself I'm going to do something works as long as it doesn't involve a lot of mental energy which seems to still  exhaust me.  I am finally back into a daily exercise routine, I can get out, and so much is better; but like I said... I wouldn't call it "normal."  I don't want to drag this out unnecessarily... just still a little PTSD'd by the whole thing.  Njoy

[[am...]]

Hi Njoy,

 

Weathered and worn means experienced and you should be proud of those experiences, they don't come free !

Sorry to hear that the dreaded "D" is messing with you. I am doing pretty good thanks ! Waaay better than I was when I was 3 weeks ago. I jumped at .062 two weeks ago. I think that most people psyche themselves out when they get low on their tapers. You will be fine when you quit the poison. I had a much worse cut from .187 to .125. I really didn't have many symptoms after I jumped. Just the lingering sickly feeling with several smaller side effects mixed in. I feel about 75-90% healed now.

 

I never had any depression before I took this crap and I have had it on and off over the years (tolerance withdrawal I know now), but I never had it anywhere near as bad as when I was tapering off of it. That was some really dark and scarey stuff. I think that you may still see some lifting of that when it is completely out of your system. I never realized how strong this medicine was. It is very strong and it messed with me all the way to 1/32 of my original 2mg daily dose ! I wish you well for 2014 Njoy !

 

Patrick 

 

 

[[th...]]

Hi buddies,

this morning I woke up with a set of "good intentions" for the new year and I tried to bring up some causality and rationality in this mess.

I guess the infernal mood I experienced from 26th to 30th (yesterday) was enhanced by the taper plan i tried to speed up and the migraine attacks.. I did cut far more than 10% in the last 15 days, and I guess I paid the toll...

My words will never be enough to thank you again for your support.

 

After growling into the bed, I managed to get out of home. Today the air was fresh (8°C), the sky was totally blue, free from clouds, with a pale sun warming the city.. so I took a walk to the downtown. I spent all the day in peace without a single moment of dizziness, no anxiety, no fears, no questions, breathing fresh air, with no cars around.. yep it was wonderful. Today I was 98% the old myself.

 

I love my city during winter.. There is a Christmas market with plenty of stands and I bought some good stuff to share with my father tonight

 

http://milano.repubblica.it/images/2013/12/15/164234432-5868fadb-025f-4152-8410-9263c6618f3c.jpg

 

Now I am planning to hold at least until january 7 when i come back from Barcelona. Then it will be time to taper again.

 

I wish you windows like the one I lived today for 2014.

 

Happy new year and thank you again people

 

U.

[[Fl...]]

Happy New Year 2014!

[[Sk...]]

Happy new year klonopin klub!

[[re...]]

Happy New Year to you, too, SkyZone, and to everyone!

 

Loved your Fireworks, Flutterbye--how are you doing?  I think today marks one month off for you, yes?  Send an update if you can!

 

Peace2, I did kiss the ocean for you, although on the bay side, but thought of you while looking out at the surf on the ocean side yesterday.  I'm hobbling around on a sprain, and find walking in the sand tricky, unfortunately.  But it's still lovely here.

 

NJoy, I hope 2014 brings the great outdoors to you in ever more enjoyable ways!

 

And I'm sorry, as I always am, not to be able to address everyone individually, but am thinking of you ALL, and wishing for this new year to bring you better things, a more and more normal life.  My life now, almost seventeen months out from the last benzo I swallowed, feels entirely restored.  I hope everyone's will be, and sooner rather than later.

 

Warmest wishes to all for 2014 and beyond -

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[Wo...]]

Happy 2014 K Klub!

 

I'm still very new to your community, and still positively elated that I found you all! I truly believe that all the struggles and successes that you all share are going to help me get healed. (Whatever that means). Hopefully as I start to feel better, I can return the favor! Have a great year everyone. One day at a time.

 

John