The Klonopin Klub

[[jr...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am just about a year out from my c/t from Klonopin.  One of the worst symptoms for me has been on and off nausea.  There is no rhyme nor reason to it.  I will feel fine for a week or more, and then I develop nausea for a few days.  I've really never had this problem prior to going off Klonopin. 

 

Another major issue for me is apathy.  I just do not care about anything and I do nothing.  This is my biggest remaining issue, and it is driving me nuts.  My house is a disaster.  It bothers me a lot, but not enough to do anything about it.  Prior to my experience with benzos I had an immaculate house.  I am trying to push myself a little everyday to accomplish something, and it's a good feeling when I do. 

 

Hugs to all,

 

Jenn

 

I am so with you on the apathy, Jenn. I used to be such an organized person with an immaculate house, too. I was actually a little obsessive about all of it. Now, the bills, laundry and dishes stare at me all day, every day. I let the phone go to voicemail and procrastinate just about everything until I have to do it. I hate being like this. I hope this passes soon for us.

 

Wow, Ally, you just described ME!  I was the same way as you about everything.  My husband was always so amazed that I could lay my hand on a receipt from 5 years ago when needed. Now I just throw all my mail, receipts, etc., in a box, well I am now up to 3 boxes.   All but one of my bills are paid by direct withdrawal from my bank account.  If they weren't I'd probably be sitting in the dark with no Internet, water, etc. I also let my phone go to voicemail.  Sometimes I even unplug my home phone because I don't even want to hear it.  I actually bought paper plates and plastic forks and spoons so I don't have to mess with dishes.  I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with my brain because I haven't seen anyone else here who seems to have this problem to this extent.  I am really, really sorry you are suffering from this, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. 

 

I also hope this passes for both of us very soon.  I've been making little lists for each day and trying to get 1 or 2 things done.  Today was a good day, but I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  I'll keep you updated on my progress, or lack thereof.

 

Hugs,

 

Jenn

[[jr...]]

P.S. to Ally-Congratulations on jumping!  I also love the kitty in your avatar. Is that your kitty?

[[mo...]]

Ally and jvrmc-

My house is deplorable.  I don't answer the phone nor the front door (especially the front door).  I only go out when the cupboards are totally bare and the freezer is empty.

 

I'm sorry but I had to laugh about the paper plates (genius! when I can get myself out of the house I'm getting some) and all the bills on autopay- I too would be in the dark and the Dark Ages if the bank didn't handle it all.

My yard?  Insane.  I think my neighbors must be beginning to hate me.

 

I can't remember the last time I vacuumed.  Mopping?  Unfathomable.

 

The kitchen seems to be most problematic: I can get laundry done but not put away, I can "straighten" the main rooms, I can wash my withdrawal-befouled sheets, feed the cats but I can NOT keep the kitchen clean.  I can NOT vacuum or do floors.

 

5 years ago I was an M.Ed. high school teacher with 150 students, two after school clubs and one after school tutoring program, a busy teenage daughter, a clean house, a healthy body.

 

Now I'm reduced to this.

I'm just in the beginning (starting month 2) of my taper and am wondering just how bad it's gonna get. 

Thank god I live alone and don't have to listen to someone else's disappointment with the state of things.  But then again, a little help from a partner would go a long way. 

 

I so appreciate your honesty and candor.

Gratefully,

bird

[[jr...]]

Dear bird,

 

I also live alone, thank God.  It would take a saint to put up with me these days. 

 

As for laundry, I think my washer has probably rusted up by now from lack of use.  I have actually bought new clothes (via the Internet) because everything I owned that fit me was dirty.  I have piles of clothes on my guestroom bed, and I'm not sure what is clean and what is dirty because I actually did some loads at one point.  It's a good thing I don't have guests anymore. 

 

A few weeks ago I had my groceries delivered.  It was wonderful!  The guy brought everything right into my kitchen.  Just one more thing I don't have to do.   The only bad thing about that was I had to clean a couple of rooms before he came.  I was afraid he would report me to authorities if I didn't.

 

I am beginning to realize that I can actually get through life without leaving the house!  My HOA maintains my front lawn, so no worries there.  However, I have some nice citrus trees in the back and my grass is almost as tall as the trees.  I also got a letter from my HOA telling me I had to trim some flowering shrubs that are hanging over my wall.  They gave me 10 days to accomplish that, which was probably 3 weeks ago.  I'm still procrastinating about hiring someone to do it.  I'll probably wait until I get fined by the HOA.

 

My cats are fat and happy, but my dog is fat and really bored with me.  I haven't taken her for a walk in months.  A few days ago I saw an ad for someone who does poop scooping and walking for a really reasonable price.  The only problem is that I can't find the ad, which I am sure is buried beneath something.

 

And it goes on and on and on......

 

Hugs,

 

Jenn

 

[[jr...]]

P.S. bird & Ally-In my previous life I owned my own business, was a Girl Scout leader, silent auction chairman, animal rescue volunteer, at the top of the volunteer list for church and school, took continuing education classes, etc.  Now I wonder who that person was.   I don't even bother to get dressed most days.

[[re...]]

Brutal, debilitating insomnia that doesn't respond to any lifestyle change, med, or alternative treatment.  Welcome to hell.

 

Juilian is your insomnia worse that when you were put on a benzo for it?

Always curious how the people who were not anxious ( I am assuming? ) but put on for sleep problems are faring with anxiety, panic etc.

 

Hope you sleep soon.

[[my...]]

hi yall, I am so glad that this k club was started.  My life on k was horrible and it was ruined by it and the use of psyche drugs.  Bird, I am real interested in what you said.  I too over the last 17 years while on k thought and was told I had fibromyalgia.  now, coming off this klonipin I realize I don't have the aches and pain anymore Like i did while on high doses of K.  I feel it was the lack of stage 4 deep sleep as well as other symptoms caused by the k. 

 

before I started on benzos in 1994 I was a healthy active slim and trim pretty woman.  Now I look back in my drug induced psyhosis and I am shocked about my lack of ability to rationalize while on the drugs.  I had liposuction a tummy tuck and breast reduction in 2007 and now I realize duh it was all that weight gain from benzos and drugs.  before i got on them i would exercise then several yrs on them and my mind became impaired and at that time I thought something was wrong with me that I could not lose the weight.  so I had all that surgery now I know had i not been on them I would have exercised.  I did all kinds of crazy things on these drugs. 

 

bird, I too am horrified when I look at my body.  I now am 30 lbs overweight, have a double chin, have alot of noticeable muscle wasting in my arms.  and I say to myself how did i ever have my body cut on? 

 

I appreciate all the honest comments about your homes and everything.  I came off of methadone from jan to mar 2012 and it like to have killed me then I started the k taper.  I spend every day at home, don't clean house anymore, counters junked up, live in my t shirt and underwear daily so at least i don't have many clothes to wash.  my husband gets the groceries, cooks, does the cleaning.  I am housebound right now.  I have developed agarophobia. 

 

the symptoms I am having right now are miserable.  freg urination, vaginal and rectal itching, abd cramping, panic attacks, heart palpatations, adrenalin surges, chest pain, trembling, hot/cold, agarophobia, body dysmorphic disorder, depression, apathy, anhedonia lots of burning nerve pain in my back, breast pain. 

 

I have cut so rapidly and want a better quality of life.  would it be better if I got on Valium?  titrated much slower that I am to have better quality of life.  I am so miserable but I don't want to prolong the agony I don't know what to do? I know I also want off of neurontin and lexapro but I stopped each one for a while and I got miserable and had to reinstate each one. 

 

the horror is also knowing I was in a scary situation when I started on benzos, and an antedepressant.  I was not even depressed.  I was told I had an anxiety disorder and would need drugs the rest of my life.  I know now that is not true. I was stressed and I just needed to make some changes in my life.  but I ran to a doctor got put on these addictive drugs that harm your mind and I have not even known that for years I have been impaired.  it is so painful to look back at my old self and then look at myself inside and out now. 

[[re...]]

Mystery

Please go slow. I hear that you want off. I did too. My doc told me I could get off my 1 mg in a month after 19 years on it.

It was a nightmare. I failed my taper and then jumped into the bowels of hell. I am climbing out and thought I was almost a success story then hit with a new wave.

 

Getting off K is not something you want to rush. It is a nasty drug. Please listen to your body and respect it. I wish I had done a turtle taper!

 

Keep us posted. Good luck with your taper and your recovery. PM me if you ever want to chat.

 

[[jr...]]

Hi Mystery-I am sorry for all you have been through, but I understand.  While I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I am happy to find that I am not alone in this hell.  The apathy has been the worst lingering symptom for me.  It is nice to see other people sharing stories similar to mine.  It gives me hope that eventually all of this will be just a bad memory.  I wish you the best.  Hugs,  Jenn

[[jr...]]

Mystery

Please go slow. I hear that you want off. I did too. My doc told me I could get off my 1 mg in a month after 19 years on it.

It was a nightmare. I failed my taper and then jumped into the bowels of hell. I am climbing out and thought I was almost a success story then hit with a new wave.

 

Getting off K is not something you want to rush. It is a nasty drug. Please listen to your body and respect it. I wish I had done a turtle taper!

 

Keep us posted. Good luck with your taper and your recovery. PM me if you ever want to chat.

 

Hi Recovering-I just noticed that you are 6 days ahead of me.  This has been a long journey.  Hopefully, in another year both of us can say we are healed.  Hugs,  Jen

[[re...]]

Mystery

Please go slow. I hear that you want off. I did too. My doc told me I could get off my 1 mg in a month after 19 years on it.

It was a nightmare. I failed my taper and then jumped into the bowels of hell. I am climbing out and thought I was almost a success story then hit with a new wave.

 

Getting off K is not something you want to rush. It is a nasty drug. Please listen to your body and respect it. I wish I had done a turtle taper!

 

Keep us posted. Good luck with your taper and your recovery. PM me if you ever want to chat.

 

Hi Recovering-I just noticed that you are 6 days ahead of me.  This has been a long journey.  Hopefully, in another year both of us can say we are healed.  Hugs,  Jen

 

Jen these are my remaining sx

whole body tingles

bone pain

mouth/jaw pain

dry sore eyes

nerve pain bottom of feet

burning tongue

intrusive thoughts

obsessions about death (how scary it is)

anxiety

panic

broken sleep

sweat in my sleep

lack of motivation

depression

raging tinnitus

swollen fingers

muscle pain

boaty moving feeling

dizzy

weak

fuzzy vision

Benzo belly at times

head pressure

back of neck/head pain

right shoulder pain

skipped heart beats

muscle twitches

jerking before I fall asleep

Burning skin on back of arms

spine burns and tingles

numb hands

 

How are you doing? I hope better than this.

[[my...]]

thanks yall for the feedback.  the hell of this is unbeilievable.  I never thought I would get to a point where I didn't enjoy anything but here I am.  nobody understands.  I am having friends abandon me and my family doesnt really understand what has happened to me.  they think I am crazy.  oh, but I am far from crazy. 

[[re...]]

thanks yall for the feedback.  the hell of this is unbeilievable.  I never thought I would get to a point where I didn't enjoy anything but here I am.  nobody understands.  I am having friends abandon me and my family doesnt really understand what has happened to me.  they think I am crazy.  oh, but I am far from crazy.

 

Mystery now that I am more functional and happy (yes I have been happy, just in a nasty wave now) my kids tell me how hard it was to be around me. They had no idea what to say or do. I dont think people can ever really understand this unless they have gone through it.

 

I know it is hard, but we get through it. I am sorry you are feeling alone. We have your back here.

[[jr...]]

Hi Recovering-I have 15 of the symptoms on your list.  I'm sure I could add a few more, but my memory is so bad I can't remember them most of the time.  Memory problems have been a huge issue for me.  Ugh!  I hate this!  I have the whole body tingling, too, which is really irritating and distracting.  It is worse for me when I have my legs up.  I also have burning on the bottom of my feet, but I'm not sure how much of that is due to w/d or a spinal injury.  I am happy to get to know you!  Hang in there.  I have to believe we are through the worst of this.  Hugs,  Jenn

[[re...]]

Hi Recovering-I have 15 of the symptoms on your list.  I'm sure I could add a few more, but my memory is so bad I can't remember them most of the time.  Memory problems have been a huge issue for me.  Ugh!  I hate this!  I have the whole body tingling, too, which is really irritating and distracting.  It is worse for me when I have my legs up.  I also have burning on the bottom of my feet, but I'm not sure how much of that is due to w/d or a spinal injury.  I am happy to get to know you!  Hang in there.  I have to believe we are through the worst of this.  Hugs,  Jenn

 

I pray so.

Do you have obsessional thoughts? If you have already noted that, my apologies. I forgot to put memory problems on the list. LOL.

 

We are through the worst of it for sure. But would like to be past ALL Of it. Now.

[[jr...]]

Hi Again Recovering-Yes, I do have obsessional thoughts, and they are awful.  In the beginning, before I found this forum, I thought I was going crazy.  They mostly occur immediately after I wake up, but over the last several months they have 'softened' a bit.  Old memories come flooding back, most of them bad and many times they include people I haven't seen or thought about in years.  It's like my brain suppressed all these memories during the years I was on Klonopin, and now the floodgates have opened.  It's such a strange symptom.  It really shows just how complex our brains are.  Hugs,  Jenn

[[re...]]

Jen

I am having that too. Strange memories. My emotions are still all over the place as well.

Thanks for sharing your story. It helps me to know I am not alone. I worry I am going to lose my mind some days the thoughts are so intense.

Appreciate your support very much. Holler if I can be of any help to you here.

 

[[my...]]

I am so glad yall said that about your memories and emotions.  I have had so much stuff pop up in my mind that i have suppressed.  it is like I had a bunch of experiences while on benzos and suppressed the emotions that are supposed to go with it.  and now I am feeling them.  it is painful and scary too. 

 

I am considering talking with an on line therapist while in withdrawal.  has anyone else done this? jackie

[[...]]

Jenn - Thank you so much! Yep, that's my baby there in my avatar! His name is Reynolds after Burt Reynolds because he has the funniest little white mustache. He gets me through each and every day. He's such a ham and brings SO MUCH joy to my life. Oh, I could go on forever about him. I remember seeing somewhere on the forum that you're a cat person, too. My memory has also turned to mush and I can't quite remember the thread I read that on. My cat is about the only thing that doesn't see the effects of my procrastination. He's fat and happy, too. Animals are such precious creature, aren't they?!

 

I'm so jealous of your food delivery! Tell me, who does this?? Did you use Amazon? I've heard about it before, but guess what? I was too lazy to check it out. And I had to chuckle about your bill box…I have those, too! The situation isn't funny, but knowing how I used to be about organizing - it's crazy that I just stuff all those important papers into a big box and I know you can totally relate. I used to have the most organized filing system. Now they all go into what I call the abyss. It's a spare room that has quickly accumulated piles of stuff I haven't dealt with and most everything seems to disappear in there, so it's the abyss. I hate even walking into that room and looking at the clutter, but I can't clean it or deal with it. It's the most frustrating thing. I just hate knowing you're dealing with this, too, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. I also love your plastic and paper products idea! The sounds of putting the dishes away are brutal for me, which makes me ignore them more. Now that this apathy has set in, I have really started to appreciate my old OCD tendencies towards cleaning, organizing and getting stuff done. I keep wondering if they'll ever come back.

 

Bird - I'm so sorry you've also got this apathy. Sounds like you can also totally relate. I swear I used to be such a productive person with tons of motivation. In real life, I actually used to deal with other people's money every day. Lots of it. Now, I don't even trust myself to handle my own bills. I volunteered at the local animal control, took care of my mom who's not well and was a social butterfly. Those days seem like a lifetime ago now. Thank you for also sharing your story. While I hate to hear it, knowing I'm not alone is comforting.

[[...]]

I also have the horrible memories and intrusive thoughts. My memory is absolutely shot, but I still manage to dredge up all the bad ones. Memories of regretful things I've done are the most difficult and stressful for me. I'm immediately right back in the moment and cannot forgive myself. I start sweating and my heart races. And the loop of random morbid thoughts starts when I get in bed at night. Before I know it, I've spent 20 minutes in deep thought about something that is likely to never, ever happen in anyone's lifetime.

 

I am so glad yall said that about your memories and emotions.  I have had so much stuff pop up in my mind that i have suppressed.  it is like I had a bunch of experiences while on benzos and suppressed the emotions that are supposed to go with it.  and now I am feeling them.  it is painful and scary too. 

 

I am considering talking with an on line therapist while in withdrawal.  has anyone else done this? jackie

 

You describe it perfectly. Stuff I hadn't thought about in years, that happened while on klonopin, pops into my head for no reason. Then I feel the emotions and pain of it all over. I think you're right in that I couldn't properly deal with it back then because my emotions were so blunted. Now that I can process it, it's all flooding back. It's really disturbing at times.

 

I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories. This is a great thread.

[[re...]]

I also have the horrible memories and intrusive thoughts. My memory is absolutely shot, but I still manage to dredge up all the bad ones. Memories of regretful things I've done are the most difficult and stressful for me. I'm immediately right back in the moment and cannot forgive myself. I start sweating and my heart races. And the loop of random morbid thoughts starts when I get in bed at night. Before I know it, I've spent 20 minutes in deep thought about something that is likely to never, ever happen in anyone's lifetime.

 

I am so glad yall said that about your memories and emotions.  I have had so much stuff pop up in my mind that i have suppressed.  it is like I had a bunch of experiences while on benzos and suppressed the emotions that are supposed to go with it.  and now I am feeling them.  it is painful and scary too. 

 

I am considering talking with an on line therapist while in withdrawal.  has anyone else done this? jackie

 

You describe it perfectly. Stuff I hadn't thought about in years, that happened while on klonopin, pops into my head for no reason. Then I feel the emotions and pain of it all over. I think you're right in that I couldn't properly deal with it back then because my emotions were so blunted. Now that I can process it, it's all flooding back. It's really disturbing at times.

 

I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories. This is a great thread.

 

This sounds so like my wd experience. Hang in there. It will get better. One day!

Sorry we are all suffering so much. Better days ahead.

[[mo...]]

Thankfully, I'm not having the obsessional thoughts problem, except for obsessing about withdrawals.  But then again I'm still on a lot of benzos.  So who knows what horrors await.

I've also been in and out of counseling since I was a teenager so I don't think there's much hidden or repressed in my psyche any more.

I just canned another counselor, otherwise I'd definitely be seeing one through this.  I do heartily recommend counseling.

 

After writing this, I guess I should say if I obsess about anything else besides withdrawal I obsess about the idea that other people-friends, family- just think I'm a lazy loser who "doesn't do anything."  Yes- I obsess about this. 

 

I'm gratefully sleeping really well, which is such an unbelievable relief.  I had insomnia my entire life but since tapering from 2mg klon to 1.5 last fall in two savage months, I've been sleeping like a baby.  Go figure.

 

Peace and love to you all,

bird

 

 

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

So glad to see this thread.  I am in the worst wave yet at 3 1/2 months off Klonopin.  It's been going on for 4 weeks and is just not letting up.  It's so comforting to read all the posts and all the symptoms.  it's so hard to not think I'm totally losing it when my mind feels so out of control.  I have MANY of the same symptoms that have been mentioned--obsessive thinking, depression, panic, morbid thoughts, regretful feelings, guilty feelings, swimming head feeling, on and off gi issues--diarhea mostly.

 

I am a 42 year old single mom of 2 boys ages 7 and 10.  I haven't been working now for over 2 years and have no idea when or if that will happen again.  Can't believe how limited my life has become.  Like others, it's strange to look back at all the things I used to do and how narrow my world has now become. 

 

Have any of you gone into the hospital when things got really bad?  I have thought about it lately but am terrified of having more drugs pushed on me but some days I just don't have it in me to fight anymore.

 

Karen

[[Be...]]

If you can, hang in there, Healing. Hang in there for your kids and for the mom you want to be to them. Hang in there for all the good you can be once you have recovered.

[[He...]]

Thank you benzo3, it's so hard to stay positive on days like today.  I just want to crawl into a hole and forget that this is my life.