The Klonopin Klub

[[ho...]]

Good morning Everyone,

 

Thought I'd share a bit about my Dr. visit on Thursday. I went to the orthopedic doc ( broke my leg and badly sprained ankle and foot ) for a recheck after 3 weeks. The break is healing nicely, but still can't lift my toes. I have nerve damage and it can be quite painful sometimes. The visit was going very well, he was very attentive and caring. He said, ' there is a medication I can give you for the nerve pain." I asked him what drug family it was in. He said, " I don't know, why do you ask." I gave him my short klonopin story and he said as he WALKED TO THE DOOR, " Well, if you feel you need help with the pain I'll just refer you back to your GP."

He actually had his hand on the door knob! And his whole demeanor changed from having all the" time in the world" to "this appt is over". Wow.

 

I came home and googled NERVE PAIN MEDICATION. Well, I suppose some of you know what I found. All of them have potential for withdrawal sx. I'm still shaking my head!

 

I'm still trying to figure out his change of behavior.

 

I'll live with the pain and pray for healing.

 

Wishing all of you peace, calm, strength, and mostly hope!!!

 

hopeful2013

[[el...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

Hope  -  I have had doc appointments like that too.  As soon as I speak up about benzos I get shown the door out.  I think many doctors like to think they always know more than we do and get flustered (insulted?) when they find out they really don't have much info in certain areas.  My former psychiatrist even disagreed with Ashton after I gave him the manual to read.  He picked her apart without doing the research.

 

Rek - Good way to think about how we were before benzos and what steps we could have taken to alleviate anxiety/insomnia before taking drugs.  Before tapers are completed, we should definitely be looking at lifestyle changes. 

 

Jax - I am about an hour away from AC.  My husband and I took a ride to LBI yesterday.  Some parts are good and some are really in need of a lot of work.  I think the sand dunes made a lot of difference.

 

Wishing healing to everyone!

 

Ellen

[[la...]]

Jax thanks for the info. I am going to see a holistic Dr who changed practices years ago from prescribing all this poison to NOT prescribing theses poisons...he saw what it was doing to his patients

 

someone replied that I should wean off clonazepam 1st...no way......If and when I wean it will be off the zoloft 1st, because that is what has goten me so sick to begin with

I feel dizzy quite a bit all on my own...coming off this benzo is really going to put me in a literal tail spin

 

I think before I do any weaning I want to be checked out by a cardiologist and a neurologist and maybe even an ENT just for good measure, so when I have all these symptoms I will KNOW its w/d....I am a HUGE hypochondriac

 

I will keep reading your posts in hops for more encouragement

 

[[Sk...]]

Good morning Everyone,

 

Thought I'd share a bit about my Dr. visit on Thursday. I went to the orthopedic doc ( broke my leg and badly sprained ankle and foot ) for a recheck after 3 weeks. The break is healing nicely, but still can't lift my toes. I have nerve damage and it can be quite painful sometimes. The visit was going very well, he was very attentive and caring. He said, ' there is a medication I can give you for the nerve pain." I asked him what drug family it was in. He said, " I don't know, why do you ask." I gave him my short klonopin story and he said as he WALKED TO THE DOOR, " Well, if you feel you need help with the pain I'll just refer you back to your GP."

He actually had his hand on the door knob! And his whole demeanor changed from having all the" time in the world" to "this appt is over". Wow.

 

I came home and googled NERVE PAIN MEDICATION. Well, I suppose some of you know what I found. All of them have potential for withdrawal sx. I'm still shaking my head!

 

I'm still trying to figure out his change of behavior.

 

I'll live with the pain and pray for healing.

 

Wishing all of you peace, calm, strength, and mostly hope!!!

 

hopeful2013

 

Hey, Hopeful,

 

I had a similar experience with my psychiatric nurse practitioner.  I was trying to ask a few questions about my withdraw and she jsut started to stand up and look towards the door and eventually just went right by the door and I said, " but wait!"  She looked back at me and just stood there to hear  my last words.  I said what I needed to say and then it was over, like she didn't give a rat's ass about it. 

 

-SZ-

[[ho...]]

Have you seen OlPal's post on the Chewing the Fat Board? It's called Presentation to Medical School. It is really worth a read.

 

He is looking for us to chime in as he prepares for this meeting. I have yet to post as I'm still collecting my thoughts. But what an opportunity!!! To share with med. students the things we go through that are seemingly kept secret from them (IMO).

 

Just thought I'd let you know.

 

 

@ SZ, yeah... they don't get it.

 

hopeful2013

[[Oc...]]

Hearing about the way those doctors, nurses and other paid and trained professionals treated you guys is such a load of crap, it really boils my blood - I'd probably have become very loud and obstinate in a vocal way that'd have me kicked out of the clinic.

 

I pity a person who cannot accept that they will always have things yet to learn.

 

I back pedaled last night and took my .375mg dose... It was too intense. I'll resume .25 today. I haven't even taken a pill yet - if I can just ignore morning anxiety long enough, 2pm, then I can take the first .125 in the afternoon, and the second around 9 - 10 pm, just in time for bed (I guess, it gives me a sort of security blanket peace of mind)

[[Mo...]]

Just to chime in on the doctors walking out etc. my experiences with mental health offices has showed me that nurse practitioners and other less trained people than psychiatrists are mostly too afraid or apathetic to even consider info from patients. Psychiatrists either actively resist any kind of patient information, will humor you but won't take it to heart, or will meet you halfway. My psych is the latter, but meeting halfway means he gave me enough pills to taper on my own schedule but he maintains that benzo withdrawal is a 2 week to a month max process with moderate symptoms. So as my signature says, hes staying out of my way and that's all I ask for. So take heart friends, there are psychs out there that will at least let you take your time even if they don't think the suffering is severe.

 

So my BB friends, the theme for me today was sad. First day I would say sadness got me since starting taper. Feel pretty sick overall, not depressed or anxious, but I think my attitude is just feeling worn out. Im not a 16 month, 12 month, or even 6 month sufferer like some on the site so I feel a bit silly saying that. But 3 monthish into this im finally sick and tired of being sick and tired as they say . My eating habits have improved for the last couple days but no more energy. The constant mild headache is getting old too. Never gets bad enough to keep me in bed or anything, but constant discomfort even of the mild form wears on you over multiple days and weeks. Also my eyes hurt all day. Non specific dull burning pain open or closed, focused or zoned out. Alright enough complaining from me, time for sleep. Be well folks.

[[dm...]]

Hi mogeii,

 

Wow, your doc think withdrawal from extended benzo use is a two week to a month max process? If you can do that then I'm all for ya'  but as for me, its probably gonna' take nearly 10 months to do my 1.25 mg klonopin reducing at .0625 mg every two weeks. But at least he isn't trying to force-CT on you. Or force rapid DETOX on you. Godspeed on your taper.

 

I know the feeling of being sick and tired of being sick and tired...I developed tolerance (and all the horrible widrawal symptoms) way back in October. I have continuously felt like sh*t ever since...very depressing on top of my pre-existing major depression. This is a disaster of calamatous proportions to me, it has totally reconfigured my life for the worse...it has adversely affected my job (lucky I haven't lost it yet), my relationships...my home life...my BIPOLAR.......it has driven me crazy and morosely depressed. I am pretty much housebound, i dont wanna go anywhere or do anything ive completely lost interest in things that i used to like...blah, blah, blah...

 

plus i recently found out I have a broken neck. degenerative disc disease, biforminal stenosis, midline canal stenosis.

 

I'm a wreck and I guess this is the place to be a wreck.

 

I pray God grant me (and all of us) the peace that only He can give.

 

I apologize for the rant...I'm getting fed up with this crap.

 

Dave

[[Oc...]]

Dave - I'm fed up too. :/ It's all just very disheartening and cruel and annoying, and worst of all, knowing there's an end in sight doesn't help me now. I don't know when is halfway, when is the top of the hill. When do things get better? I keep idealizing finally being off this pill - but the frightening truth of the matter is that a part of me WANTS to be on clonazepam - it felt too good to be artificially free from panic attacks and constant anxiety.

 

Also, who here's side effects/Withdrawals came at specific intervals during the day? I get the light headed and weak appendage wave of symptoms that lasts for roughly three hours, give or take, from 5pm until 8pm, maybe 6 to 9. It's become a routine issue, that during those times, I get noodle legged, weak feeling, incredibly lethargic, my heart races and I get jittery, and then comes the light headed semi-swooning when I walk around. It usually goes away solidly and well before 10pm.

[[re...]]

Good morning, folks -

 

I hope everyone is coping.  DMW, I want to reiterate (or rather paraphrase) something here that appeared on another thread and that I had been thinking of as well, relative to WFR.  We really don't know what all may have been at play in her life, and for that reason it is impossible to ascribe the tragic choice she made to one thing, or even one complex of factors.  It is crucially important for everyone to bear this in mind, because, however bad they may be, benzos DON'T kill, and recovery IS possible.  I realize that you are dealing with a complicated assembly of problems, and that what you are going through is very hard.  But try to bear Lizie in mind--Lizie and others, who found themselves in predicaments similar to yours, and have found their way through the swamps of pain and dependence on drugs about which they weren't given adequate warning, much less guidance in withdrawal.

 

Mogeii, thank you for the input on doctors.  It never ceases to appall me (me and Octopii--hi, Octopii!--and others as well, I know) that doctors, by and large, remain so obtuse on this subject.  I really think the Hippocratic Oath has been a casualty of Big Pharma Bucks.

 

SkyZone, how are you doing?  Feeling reasonably stable with your taper?

 

Hopeful, thank you for mentioning OlPal's post--I went there last night and put in my two cents.  A good opportunity.

 

And good morning . . . er . . . afternoon, too, to all those I haven't mentioned--wishing everyone windows . . .

 

My jaw hurts!  What's that about, I wonder?  It's no biggie.  It's just that I was trying to read a story aloud to myself (OK, not in English, so I guess I'm using different muscles, but still . . . ), and I had to stop!!  Can I blame this on benzos??

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[...]]

Rek:  you can likely blame the jaw pain on the benzos but the triggering factor was probably clenching your teeth from anxiety you were either not aware of or grinding that occurs when we sleep... I've suffered immeasurably from it.  Meditation broke the loop  the first time round.  When it reared its ugly head last week during my trip, I rolled up keenex and stuck in the far recess of my mouth... don't really recommend that because there is the possibility that you could choke or swallow it, but two nights and I was finally clear of it... now that I'm back home and back to my regular routines of meditation and prayer... it has not returned... my big thing this morning has been hearing Lovin' Spoonful's 1968 version of Darlin Be Home Soon... went straight to my husband who has been dead 20 years and just wailed.  I can't stop crying.. I expect it all has to do w/ the cut I made on Friday.  It was time.  I'd been at my previous dose for 6 wks...  dmw... are you involved w/ any counseling... my gut tells me you are at a point where you might benefit from it... I know I laughed when my doc mentioned it to me because I couldn't get out either.  On the up side... i was disappointed after my trip and I felt so awful and couldn't get out to get anything to eat on Friday but Saturday was better and I did get out ON MY OWN and picked up a few groceries... that's the first time since Nov.  You are dealing w/ alot and real organic pain seems to be so exaggerated by this so I'm sure it seems insurmmountable... you need to be very kind to your back and to yourself.  I have no words of encouragement about keeping your world in tact... I've read too much... I've endured too much... but I do believe we will recover and w/ that recovery will come the fortitude you need to deal w/ the more long term critical issues with your back... I've broken my back, I have a friend who's neck was broken by some jerk who got less time than less serious crimes...(I digress) and was paralysed.... she walks and talks and it was a long, long haul... you should have seen her in all her braces but she wears none of it now... there is hope... I can tell you are a man of faith... "faith is the bird that feels the dawn and sings while it is yet dark."  _author unknown  Don't keep beating yourself up... stay in the moment, don't catastrophise (from one who knows) and as Rek always says... be gentle w/ yourself.  But, really, I'm sensing it is time for you to talk to someone... if I hadn't gone back and read all of WFR's posts (because I didn't remember her)  and discovered that her pain did not strike me as any more or less than others who are persevering; and, Rek, is right... we don't know what was all going on w/ her... but this is where we are now ... I know you want to go forward or you wouldn't be here.... remember that!  When I start to think about how hopeless this is and my ideation becomes scewed, I remember that it is not that I want to die but that I don't know how to go on ... once I remember that, I can take my brain back to those things for which I can still be grateful, things I still want to do.... and learn new ways to live.  I'm not saying you won't lose a lot w/ this.  You might.  ... I've lost so much... but I've lost everything in the past, unrelated to benzos ... so I know, doors open... and I'm convinced we will see the light of day again.  Njoy

 

[[Sk...]]

Good morning, folks -

 

I hope everyone is coping.  DMW, I want to reiterate (or rather paraphrase) something here that appeared on another thread and that I had been thinking of as well, relative to WFR.  We really don't know what all may have been at play in her life, and for that reason it is impossible to ascribe the tragic choice she made to one thing, or even one complex of factors.  It is crucially important for everyone to bear this in mind, because, however bad they may be, benzos DON'T kill, and recovery IS possible.  I realize that you are dealing with a complicated assembly of problems, and that what you are going through is very hard.  But try to bear Lizie in mind--Lizie and others, who found themselves in predicaments similar to yours, and have found their way through the swamps of pain and dependence on drugs about which they weren't given adequate warning, much less guidance in withdrawal.

 

Mogeii, thank you for the input on doctors.  It never ceases to appall me (me and Octopii--hi, Octopii!--and others as well, I know) that doctors, by and large, remain so obtuse on this subject.  I really think the Hippocratic Oath has been a casualty of Big Pharma Bucks.

SkyZone, how are you doing?  Feeling reasonably stable with your taper?

 

Hopeful, thank you for mentioning OlPal's post--I went there last night and put in my two cents.  A good opportunity.

 

And good morning . . . er . . . afternoon, too, to all those I haven't mentioned--wishing everyone windows . . .

 

My jaw hurts!  What's that about, I wonder?  It's no biggie.  It's just that I was trying to read a story aloud to myself (OK, not in English, so I guess I'm using different muscles, but still . . . ), and I had to stop!!  Can I blame this on benzos??

 

Peace,

 

Rek

Thanks, Rek,.. My taper so far is going really well.  Actually better than I expected.  I still have a while to go.  I can only keep moving forward now.  No turning back. 

 

-SZ-

[[Lo...]]

Hi all, first time here... wasn't sure I fit, then remembered: I was on Clonazepam, Klonopin...for years...resisting, complaining, suffering increasingly...then pharmacist told me I was paradoxical and to go to another doc who C/Ted me...I was psychotic within 2 days, split personality, 3 in here 2 super bad...don't know where I got the strength to resist what was going on in my head, don't know how I got myself to the psych...she ws furious and wanted me in the mental hospital (it has a bad rep).  She put me on about half the dose equivalent of Valium to taper (said it would stop the wd absolutely - NOT). I had severe physical sxs too.  Ended up getting convinced to go to a rehab.  $10,000 and 2 weeks later managed to extricate myself from that awful ripoff place...Took me nearly 3 years but here I am benzo free for 2 months.  I am having a really hard time.  I often wonder if that is at least in part because I was on Klonopin and C/Ted off it?  So many people here on that particular drug seem to have a particularly hard time and a very long protracted wd...any  opinions on this?

[[du...]]

 

 

Dry-cutting pills does work.

 

one pill = .5 mg

one wafer = .125 mg

 

cut the pill in half = .25 mg

cut the wafer in half = .0625 mg

 

For example a first cut .0625mg from a fresh pill would be:

 

1/2 pill = .25 mg

1 wafer = .125 mg

1/2 wafer = .0625 mg

 

.25+.125+.0625=.4375 mg (I hold this for two weeks)

 

the next cut would reduce by another .0625 mg:

 

1/2 pill = .25 mg

1 wafer = .125 mg

 

.25+.125=.375 mg (I hold this for another two weeks)

 

the next cut would reduce by another .0625 mg:

 

1/2 pill = .25 mg

1/2 wafer = .0625 mg

 

.25+.0625=.3125 mg (I hold for another two weeks)

 

the next cut would reduce by another .0625 mg:

 

1/2 pill = .25 mg

(this one is easy 'cause no wafers needed)

 

                                (I hold for another two weeks)

 

1 wafer = .125 mg

1/2 wafer = .0625 mg

 

.125 + .0625 = .1875 mg (I hold another two weeks)

 

The next cut would reduce by another .0625 mg.

 

1 wafer = .125 mg (hold for another two weeks)

 

The next cut would reduce by another .0625 mg:

 

1/2 wafer = .0625 mg (hold for another two weeks)

 

The next cut would refuce by another .0625 mg:

 

Move on to the next pill (starting whole for two weeks)

 

Repeat cuts until done.

 

The process works for me 'cause I only have to cut pills in half...no quarters or eigths, or sixteenths. You just need to get .5 mg clonazepam pills and the .125 mg orally dissolving clonazepam wafers (yes, they are available in the US.

 

 

Hey DMW 61, this was a timely post. I am getting the .125 wafers tomorrow and am currently at .625.  I am very interested to hear your progress over the next several weeks and months drug free.

 

I am relatively new to this game... at the beginning of my taper.  I will update my signature in a second to reflect the latest.  To your plan I will add the following.

 

1) I stopped drinking and that seems to have left me more clearheaded and stable - and reduces the variables so I can concentrate on the taper.  I didn't drink much before, just a beer or two at night, and I look forward to resuming when the K is fully out of my system.  But for now sober is the ticket.

 

2) I absolutely regulated my caffeine intake to one espresso drink in the morning.  No matter what happens during the day - no coffee, tea, soda.  Trying to stay away from chocolate at night.  Again reducing variables so I can isolate the affects of the K w/d.

 

3) Similarly I have watched my eating, so no large meals at night etc. 

 

4) I shifted .125 of my dose to lunchtime with the remaining before bed.  I am hoping this evens my blood levels some. It hasn't affected my nighttime sleep, which is good because I am on the K for insomnia.

 

5) I recognize that the "feelings of horribleness" I experience are the drug and not me.    This does not reduce the pain, but it helps me weather it and increases my resolve to get off.

 

I will relate my futile meeting with a new doctor after I put the kid to bed.

 

Thank you everyone for the support and advice. 

 

Eric 

[[Di...]]

I wish I could get those .25 wafers.  My doc says they are not available.

 

Do certain areas of the country not have them available?

[[Ju...]]

My doctor also said 0.5 is the smallest you can get in the US. Does it depend on your insurance?

[[du...]]

I wish I could get those .25 wafers.  My doc says they are not available.

 

Do certain areas of the country not have them available?

 

Talk to your pharmacist.  They may have to order the wafers.  I was told by my doctor that they are hard to find.  But I went to my local pharmacist yesterday and she said she could order them and have them by Monday.  Pharmacy is a Duane Reade, a local NYC drugstore chain, which is now owned by Walgreens.

 

 

I am told you can also find a compounding pharmacist that can make up doses as low as .05, though I have not researched.

 

I do not have prescription insurance coverage.

[[am...]]

I have not been on here in a while but i am now down to 0.0625mgs of klonopin every other day i had  a set back and took a whole 0.125mgs just once and took just the 0.0625mgs for three days now im back to every other day and im not going to lie it sucks my aunt passed away at42 years old that was  my set back had a good week i even drove my car now my anxiety is so high all i think about is i might have cancer or im dying i feel like im going crazy im just mad that i had a good week and now its full on anxiety and the coming out of your skin feeling it really sucks i even went two whole days without the k but the third i took my half out of fear im on amitriptlyin been taking it for about a month 10mgs is all and of course im thinking its the antideppressant causing this i see my doc tom so i will bring this up but im almost klonopin free and going crazy i think

[[du...]]

Have been trying to find a knowledgeable MD to help manage my withdrawal.  My GP is a sweetheart but doesn't know a thing about benzos, I am teaching her.  Anyway, on Tuesday I went to a new pharmacologist, highly recommended, exchanged emails first, explained that I was trying to taper off while managing w/d symptoms and especially insomnia.  He said he had helped others and thought we should meet.  Spent 1.5 hours on intake session, talk-therapy setting, he asked lots of questions about symptoms, history, life situation, etc.  At the end he recommended I increase my dose to 1mg and add Paxil.  And take it forever.  I guess he didn't hear me when I told him that these drugs are destroying my life.  He has prescribed benzos for LOTS of patients but seemingly knows nothing of the experiences people here are going through.  When I asked him if none of his patients had had difficult w/d symptoms he replied "it is hard to tease out the symptoms from the underlying condition."  Really this is a case of people seeing only the information that confirms their existing beliefs. 

 

Punch line was a $700 bill for the session, guess I should have asked first.  That's a lot of dumplings.

 

Has anyone tried to get their doctors to engage in these boards?  Would be interesting.

 

 

[[Ju...]]

I've been spending some time reading older posts and a lot of the success stories. While they have been helpful, I feel an incredible wave of sadness realizing that I was actually completely off klonopin twice, but when the completely typical six week rebound happened (at least according to experiences I read here) I let my psychiatrist tell me I was sick and had to start klonopin again. The amount of suffering I went through only to go back to square one. This time I know better and I won't give up, but I know how hard it is going to be and so I am really counting on your help.

[[No...]]

I'm beginning to think going to medical school would speed up this process. 

 

 

[[du...]]

I've been spending some time reading older posts and a lot of the success stories. While they have been helpful, I feel an incredible wave of sadness realizing that I was actually completely off klonopin twice, but when the completely typical six week rebound happened (at least according to experiences I read here) I let my psychiatrist tell me I was sick and had to start klonopin again. The amount of suffering I went through only to go back to square one. This time I know better and I won't give up, but I know how hard it is going to be and so I am really counting on your help.

 

Swimming - since we have similar usage profiles I am curious about what else is going on in your process.  I am starting a slow taper - but reducing every 2-3 weeks even seems too fast if your symptoms peaked at 6 weeks.  How fast were you coming off?  What symptoms? 

 

I am feeling good right now, sleeping pretty well, staying positive, VERY determined to get this stuff outa my system.  Anything I can learn from your experience would be appreciated. 

 

Thanks.  - Ducky

[[ja...]]

Happy Monday Morning, everyone!

 

Mogeii, I'm so proud of you. It's like you're looking at your w/d sxs as an observer, which is typical in someone who meditates (not sure if you do). In meditation, it's like you concentrate on your breath and when thoughts or feelings come, you simply observe and acknowledge them. Yoga is the same way...mind over matter. Nice job, my friend!

 

When I look at all of you taper-ers, I think of my own c/t experience and wonder what produces less discomfort overall. Don't get me wrong - I'm not recommending c/t - but I can't help but wonder. I had no taper discomfort, because I had no taper. I didn't know I could have a seizure, and luckily I didn't have one. I had absolutely no knowledge of what my w/d sxs were going to be. I came to BB about 7 weeks after jumping, to see if others were experiencing unbearable twitching among other things. But BB sustained me over the next few months and even now. I wonder where I'd be at now in my taper - 11 months from 2.5 mg of K. I'll never know and I don't want to know.

 

Reks, I'm sorry about your jaw hurting! I understand - I have had pretty bad TMJ since my last bout with arthritis flares. To tag onto Njoy, maybe you're grinding your teeth? Maybe there's some modification you can do with that tissue action (Njoy, how did it not deteriorate in your mouth at night?). Knowing what language you were probably speaking, you know I know a related language - and I can imagine it's a pain! (BTW I've been meaning to write back to your PM, I promise I will soon!)

By the way, I thought of you and your gerbil (rest in peace) - Petco is having a contest called Great Ones about people and their pets and how you affected one another - how you cared for them and vice versa. Maybe you want to take a look at it (5 cash prizes and donations to the shelter of your choice). Of course I entered my beautiful Gabriel - I swear I don't even see him as a cat. He's just my little guy. He turns 12 in 2 weeks...can't believe it.

 

Njoy, I always love your contemplative-ness. You are getting to know yourself so well. Kudos on your Saturday venture!

 

SkyZ - you are awesome! Look at you braving it out! I have no doubts you will make it this time. 

 

With all this discussion about Big Pharma, I'm cringing a bit, because my new job (starts 2 weeks from tomorrow!) provides market research to pharmaceutical companies before the drugs get approved by the FDA. I'm concentrating on medical devices, but I will make a promise to the KK of the BB that I will report back good news whenever I find it.

 

So, some progress on the jaxnj front. I went to yoga yesterday and I'm so happy to say that I think I "get" it. I've been taking some beginner classes and the teachers are stressing the basic poses, and I think when you do them correctly, you truly reap the benefits. I've been having "brain smoothies" for breakfast - berries, almond milk, pomegranate juice, flax seed, walnuts, pumpkin seeds, banana. It is phenomenal. So I'm feeling pretty darn healthy (except for that time this weekend where I ate fast food chicken tenders - but at least it was chicken - I think  ).

 

I'm thinking on Wednesday I want to go down the shore and find a yoga class near the beach. I did some research on what boardwalks are completed so far - none. So I just want to feel the sea air and go somewhere where I can see the ocean, but not destruction. Thoughts, anyone? Dmw, you're down there - any suggestions?

 

Time to start the day. I'm going out to lunch with my mom and then to an "organization" store - I want to whip my husband's desk into shape. We're starting to take some inventory before packing to move. We haven't gotten word that our place is ready yet, but once it is - full steam ahead. Can't wait to have more space!

 

Hugs to all I didn't mention, and have a windowful day, everyone!

 

jaxnj

 

 

[[re...]]

Good morning, folks!  This--as has been my wont lately--will have to be brief, as I'm between classes and am proctoring a make-up quiz at the moment.

 

Jaxy, your posts are so thoughtful!  Thanks to both you and NJoy for thoughts on my jaw; the problem isn't altogether new, and yes I do sometimes grind my teeth--I don't think I grind them at night, but I can't swear that it doesn't happen sometimes.  I catch myself sometimes grinding them during the day, and I stop myself.  In the present instance, what startled me was that suddenly it was difficult to speak a language I'm used to speaking (even if not nearly as much as I speak English), without my jaw getting tired and achy very quickly.  I may try the reading-aloud experiment again later today and see what happens.  I think I probably will NOT try Kleenex in my mouth, though, because I think fear of choking on it would keep me awake.  Plus, doesn't it taste and feel kind of, uh, papery?  Maybe I need to think about a mouth-guard.

 

Jax, as to the shore, my son has been fairly recently to Barnegat, and I think he found it looking good, so that's one idea.  Sedge Island was pretty well wrecked by the hurricane, but he tells me that a massive volunteer effort was organized, and that restoration has been achieved to the point where at least some of the Sedge Island summer programs it was feared would have to be cancelled this year are in fact expected to go forward.  That's heartening, isn't it?  Volunteers!  According to my son--I haven't looked to verify this--there was no federal assistance for Sedge at all, so the incredible restoration was accomplished entirely through volunteer work and private monetary contributions. 

 

NJoy, your contemplative posts are indeed inspiring--you have been offering wonderful support to so many lately--thank you!

 

SkyZ, Ducky, NoKlono, Swimming, Amy, DG, LostFindingMe, Mogeii, Octopii, DMW, Hopeful, and anyone else I may have missed--I'm thinking of you all.  So many of the things you describe I can relate to, though I'm lucky enough to be able to relegate most of it, so it seems, to my past--wishing you all the same, wishing you good progress and strength as you go forward.  I'm sorry that I can't address each person singly in detail--it's just a bit of a struggle to keep up with everything at the moment!

 

Windows to all -

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[Ju...]]

Hi DuckyMF (and other buddies)-

 

Since you asked, I will tell some more of my story in case someone can learn from it. I am feeling quite muddled right now, so some of the details arent there and other details are still too raw to put out there. But here goes:

 

I have always been a "fall asleep as my head hits the pillow" kind of person and I have never been much of a drinker. I would always want to stop as soon as I got buzzed, so I know that in general I do not have an "addictive" personality. With that context, you can imagine that when postpartum anxiety and associated insomnia hit four months after the birth of my first child I had no coping mechanisms in place whatsoever. I did what you are supposed to do and went to my obstetrician. She sent me off with a prescription for zoloft, said take 25 mg the first night and 50 from then on and you will be just fine in a week. Three days later things were unimaginably worse. I wanted to climb out of my skin and I felt like I was constantly screaming inside. I called my OB and asked her if SSRIs can increase anxiety and she said no she had never heard of that. At that point I was ready to end it all. Even now I know how lucky I am that neither the option of leaving my baby alone nor taking her with me seemed feasible choices. 

 

I found a psychiatrist who stopped the zoloft and started 1 mg K. At first it was such a gift. I was sleeping and the noises and burning/crawling feelings disappeared. After a year, in which I religiously went to therapy and took my meds I decided I didnt need the K anymore and I was ready to stop. Pdoc told me to "taper" by .25 mg every week. Abra cadabra, no more K, no problems. Until 6 weeks later it hit me like a ton of bricks- all the symptoms all the misery that we all know. Pdoc said obviously I wasnt ready to stop taking K and had to go back at 1 mg because I still had anxiety. About another year goes by and at this point I am really ready to be done- how can something that was supposedly triggered by short term hormonal fluctuations take this long to "fix"? At my insistence we started the "taper" plan again until at 0.5 mg I was a screaming boiling crying wreck. Pdoc said I need more K, should go to 2 mg this time. I left the office and never went back.

 

I found a therapist (who specializes in EMDR- highly recommend trying it if you can find a good guide) and worked with her associated Pdoc to do a slower taper- 0.125 every two weeks. It worked. I had some definite sleep issues but I battled and was off once again. The problem is that this new Pdoc said that ativan is a much safer med and I can take it "every now and then" for sleep and not worry about getting stuck like I was on Klonopin.  Maybe that is true for some people but not for me. Anyway, I think I was clean for about a year when life got in the way and I decided to take some of the ativan. Very quickly ramped up from 0.5 to 2 mg. Very quickly wasnt working.

 

I recognized the mess I was in, but at that point I no longer had insurance that allowed me to see my previous team and so I went to my GP and asked her for K. I thought I could taper like before and get myself out of this mess, never take another benzo and be done with it. I thought I could do it alone. Well, in case you are seeing a pattern- every time I tried to stop it got harder. So starting this January I was tapering away at 0.125 mg every 2 weeks and everything was fine until I hit 0.375. That's when I realized I couldnt do it alone, signed on to benzo buddies and went back to 1 mg K. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, but I think that my perfectionist streak led me to believe that if I could only do the taper the "right" way it would be pain free. I know now that isnt true (see my signature).

 

In this recent ride on the klonopin rollercoaster I decided to leap from 1 mg to 0.875 just because I wanted to feel like I was making progress and hahahahahaha I had never had problems at that cut before. Well, now it seems like I do. So I am going to sit here a while, experience the pain and know that I can get through it. When I am ready I am planning to cut 0.0625 every two weeks or so. I would like to try crossing over to valium, but my GP is not supportive. She said that is only for hard core addicts and my dose is too low to warrant that. I made the mistake of telling her how miserable I am and she said she wants to start me on mirtazipine. NO WAY. I am going to take it one day at a time, keep looking for someone who can support me on a valium taper when I have the energy and I am going to beat this. I am not a person who needs to be medicated for the rest of my life. I love my life and my family and I just want to be here with them.

 

That's most of the sad story. Thanks for reading.

 

JKS