The Klonopin Klub

[[th...]]

Hey y'all.  Guess I'm pretty new to the forum, and this would be my spot here.

 

So first all, I have had addiction problems in my past with other hard substances, but I want to clarify that my anxiety issues pre-date all of that.  The only reason I bring it up is because I'm familiar  the struggle, so I recognize it, and the hold that klonopin took on my life was far too similar to the hold other drugs have had on my life in the past.

 

My doctor waited to prescribe me benzos until I turned 18 but made up for it with a slew of SSRIs and mood stabilizers starting at 14.  I can't remember what it was like before I was medicated.  Anyway the other medications are not important here,  but they're important to this issue that I'm dealing with-- trying to live my life without crutches, being able to be present in a room instead of fogged up a million miles away, and being able to remember my moments.  I want to live my life as me, not some robot dependant on a substance that is harming me.

 

Anyway I DO know I've done everything the 'wrong way'..  Too fast.  Multiple meds at once (saved the benzos for last though, by themselves).  And went off without telling my psych, who was just updosing updosing updosing (I went from .5mg of kpin to 3 in less than two months, but my other medications were much much worse) and I was scared of where it was going next when the 3.5mg a day were not helping.  My relationships were being destroyed.  Sometimes I would forget a sentence that was being spoken to me before it had finished.  I guess it just came to a breaking point, and the only one who cared about the side effects ended up being me.

 

The kicker for me was one morning when I woke up and swallowed 30+ out of my bottle in a half-blind fit of, well, giving up.  Instantly regretted it, but saw that in my half-asleep daze I had just mechanically reached for the klonopin, it had become the solution to any problem I had at that point, including not being awake/alive/whatever anymore.  It was my eye-opener, the straw that broke the camel's back, etc.

 

I tapered off faster than some people reccomend, but not cold turkey.  cut down by about 1/2mg a week, and then when I got to .5mg I alternated between .5mg and .25mg for about a week, then cut down to .25mg for a week, then alternated every other day none or .25mg, and as of at least (can't remember exact day) 03/15, haven't taken any.  And I want to keep it that way, health permitting.

 

I don't know if I'm just prattling off about this for any reason except that I feel understood here, and it's REALLY hard to explain my situation to anyone in "real life".  My boyfriend is soooo understanding, I'm amazed at how awesome he's been, but he does have anxiety issues as well and so I think he has a grasp on what I'm dealing with, even if he doesn't fully understand.  But the rest of my life.. Well.. I have no choice but to function in my daily life working a full-time job, taking care of myself.. I live 1000 miles from home and have nobody but me to make sure I'm taken care of, have a place to live, have food to eat, etc.  And these tasks have become so difficult lately.  Normal things like walking outside to get the mail have become unimaginable horror to me.  The grocery store makes me cry every time we leave, it's just too intense.  But I have no choice but to carry on.

 

I know it hasn't been longer than 3 weeks since I've had no benzos, but I do feel a tiny sigh of relief somewhere inside every time someone who's been where I am now tells me that it's going to be okay eventually.  I'm scared shitless though..  Every day I wake up in tears wanting to die because it feels like it's NEVER GOING TO END.  Or I think "I can't do this" and get swept away by negative self-talk that puts me into a panic attack.  The vertigo is the WORST.  Worse than the pain, worse than the stomach issues, worse than the insomnia, because it goes onnn and onnn like a carnival ride I'm scared of but can't get off..

 

I'm terrified, but so it goes.

 

Sorry for the length of this.  Thanks, if you've read this far.

[[Oc...]]

Hello to all of you!

 

I hope the holidays have treated you well - back to reading backwards again, I s'pose! (It's been a while!)

 

TMI warning! I got a job, finally, as a teachers assistant for GED courses for adults, I actually enjoy the hell out of it. It keeps me occupied without making me do too much. Very 'worth it'. I've also been continuing my taper. After I stabilized, on .5mg K-pin, I finally got the nerve to go down to .375 a day (I did this about a week ago, I don't actually remember the day - I'll have to go back and think about it) and that's been... interesting. I didn't feel it at first, not much. Lots of Chamomile tea, stress relieving activities and various routine with the kid keeps me centered enough to deal with any issues as they come. My racing heart and various issues settled down once I was able to let the emotional trauma pass a bit - I've noticed that stress and withdrawals do not go hand in hand. I've also observed that my body reacts to stress in a very particular way - I might be bipolar. :/ It's an interesting consideration. (Not that I'd medicate for it.) The TMI part is the Period part - starting yesterday, I was spotting. *My once a month visitor has arrived!* and today, it's begun a flow. All day I've had nasty palpitations, every 20 minutes to 40 minutes apart, sometimes 15 minutes apart. Nothing that makes me dizzy, or feel pain, or nauseous or any other issue. Just that uncomfortable feeling of your heart flopping in your chest, hoping it's indigestion, and that breathless feeling that follows from it. I'm sure it's due to hormones from a quasi-late period, but jeez! .375 mg, cutting again soon and I must admit, this is great "practice" for learning to cope with adrenaline rushes due to bodily issues. I hate this. Tests further proved I don't have MVP, my blood work is fine (no heart damage) and my ekg's come back normal. Even if there is an issue, it isn't imminent. I should really QUIT smoking *7 or 8 sticks a day* but... while tapering? Anyone have any experience with that? Seems just impossible!

 

I'll be around, I just feel sorry that I haven't been around as much as I'd have liked to be! I'm better about emailing than I am forums, so shoot me a message if you'd like to get on the email network train *giggle* - but as always, you guys are a fountain of hope and knowledge. Just know that each of you is in my heart!

 

 

[[re...]]

Hi, everyone -

 

I'm back--again, briefly; still overwhelmed.  Octopii, it's good to see you back, and sounding so chipper!  Sounds like progress--you go, girl!  The quit-smoking thing will follow, I'm sure; some people do manage to quit smoking while withdrawing from benzos, but I wouldn't blame anyone who found that too much to take on at once.

 

BraveLittlePanda, you really ARE brave--I can't believe what you've been put through.  Unfortunately, I can believe only too well that you were put on those drugs at such a young age, because a student of mine had a similar experience, and I could see what it was doing to that individual--scary.  Anyway, I can understand why you are "terrified," but you needn't be.  It can be scary, but the demons will be driven out, and in the meantime you have plenty of folks here who CARE about what happens to you, and want to see you get through this.  Many people have, you will, too. Welcome to the thread, and keep us posted!

 

I need to go meditate, folks--have missed it two days in a row. 

 

Breathe.  I need to breathe.  Guess we all do.

 

I hope everyone sleeps--for whatever it's worth, I'm getting good results from a sleep mask.  I just found out that wearing one all night helps with natural melatonin production, and is recommended, on that basis, for people with sleep difficulties.  If it works, it's definitely better than taking a supplement, to my mind.

 

Sleep well, all -

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[Ju...]]

I spend a lot of time wishing I had never taken klonopin in the first place. But then I wonder- what would really have been the alternative? After six weeks of no sleep, little kids to take care of and a job to go to- all the meditation and vitamins and exercise just wasn't making any difference. Imagine we are two years out from our last dose, feeling great and then wham- crippling anxiety. What would you turn to? Are there any experienced folks reading this who want to share their successful techniques to deal with a post-benzo challenge?

[[Sk...]]

Hello to all of you!

 

I hope the holidays have treated you well - back to reading backwards again, I s'pose! (It's been a while!)

 

TMI warning! I got a job, finally, as a teachers assistant for GED courses for adults, I actually enjoy the hell out of it. It keeps me occupied without making me do too much. Very 'worth it'. I've also been continuing my taper. After I stabilized, on .5mg K-pin, I finally got the nerve to go down to .375 a day (I did this about a week ago, I don't actually remember the day - I'll have to go back and think about it) and that's been... interesting. I didn't feel it at first, not much. Lots of Chamomile tea, stress relieving activities and various routine with the kid keeps me centered enough to deal with any issues as they come. My racing heart and various issues settled down once I was able to let the emotional trauma pass a bit - I've noticed that stress and withdrawals do not go hand in hand. I've also observed that my body reacts to stress in a very particular way - I might be bipolar. :/ It's an interesting consideration. (Not that I'd medicate for it.) The TMI part is the Period part - starting yesterday, I was spotting. *My once a month visitor has arrived!* and today, it's begun a flow. All day I've had nasty palpitations, every 20 minutes to 40 minutes apart, sometimes 15 minutes apart. Nothing that makes me dizzy, or feel pain, or nauseous or any other issue. Just that uncomfortable feeling of your heart flopping in your chest, hoping it's indigestion, and that breathless feeling that follows from it. I'm sure it's due to hormones from a quasi-late period, but jeez! .375 mg, cutting again soon and I must admit, this is great "practice" for learning to cope with adrenaline rushes due to bodily issues. I hate this. Tests further proved I don't have MVP, my blood work is fine (no heart damage) and my ekg's come back normal. Even if there is an issue, it isn't imminent. I should really QUIT smoking *7 or 8 sticks a day* but... while tapering? Anyone have any experience with that? Seems just impossible!

 

I'll be around, I just feel sorry that I haven't been around as much as I'd have liked to be! I'm better about emailing than I am forums, so shoot me a message if you'd like to get on the email network train *giggle* - but as always, you guys are a fountain of hope and knowledge. Just know that each of you is in my heart!

Hey Octoppi,

 

I have the heart issues from withdraw as well.  Scares the hell out of me at times.  Makes me want to take a xanax but I don't.  I quit smoking about 2 weeks ago and I feel fine.  It was giving me panic attacks and racing heartbeat.  I puff on an electronic cigarette every now and then.  It really helps.  I never thought I would be able to quit smoking,... and during withdraw from benzos!!  Well,  something good came from this whole benzo withdraw crap. 

 

-SZ-

[[Sk...]]

Hey SkyZone,

 

All the best on your taper! I was nervous when I began too. Now I'm excited. I know it won't be a picnic, but each day that I dump more I feel I'm one baby step closer to my goal.

 

Congrats on your decision to resume.

 

hopeful2013

 

Thank You so much for the encouragement!    I needed it.

 

-SZ-

[[aw...]]

Sky--the sooner that you leave is the sooner you arrive. Bon Voyage! 

 

Anchor's Aweigh

[[re...]]

Evening, folks -

 

Things have been quiet at the Klub today.  I hope everyone is hanging in there.  SkyZ, fingers crossed that this will be the taper that "takes," and you can find your rhythm.  I second Aweigh in the bon voyage wishes!

 

JustKeepSwimming--you're in a hard place, but I think if you can ride it out you will be OK.  Easy for me to say, I know--I haven't been post-benzo long enough to be able to relate to being blindsided two years out, but from what I've read it can happen, and you're not alone.  I would suggest doing everything you can to self-soothe, keeping in mind all the time that what you're doing is caring for and nurturing yourself, that you don't deserve to suffer, and you are going to take the best possible care of yourself you can until the storm passes.  Do you have some meditation techniques--breathing and the mindfulness body-scan, for instance--that you can try?  These can sometimes also help with sleep.  I've started sleeping with a sleep-mask, which is supposed to enhance natural melatonin production, and I do seem to notice a difference.  I hope you can find the strength you need--I'm sure you can, but I hope it's soonest.  Hope you get some sleep tonight.

 

Hope everyone does.

 

Peace,

 

Rek

 

[[Te...]]

Man I'm 10 days into my most recent cut at .125mg and my left thumb will not stop twitching! So weird....nothing else is twitching. Earlier in my taper my quads/hamstring area would twitch nonstop on both sides  I'm doing pretty darn good besides that annoying twitch and my tietze syndrome acting up.

 

 

[[Mo...]]

I jumped today. Off benzos. No more Klonopin. Im ready for my last fight with symptoms to begin. So happy to be off the stuff. But physically I can't enjoy my freedom just yet. Digestive issues, headaches, anxiety, dizziness, and rapid heart rate are the symptoms now. That order is their severity too. Ive been absent from the Klub and BB overall the past 2 weeks mostly because symptoms have been very minor until 3 days ago. Gonna read up on what ive missed from you fine people . Im in awkward space where I know my mind and my situation warrant positivity and excitement for myself but the body is simply not allowing it right now. My cuts usually really hit me 3-5 days after the cut and peak at the 7 day mark so im preparing for another round, hopefully my last round .

 

So now that ive jumped on off I guess i can properly talk about tapering. One thing ill say is what stuff I felt helped me supplement and vitamin wise. Valerian root was at best minorly helpful and at worst made things a bit more difficult at times. Fish oils and omegas are good to have in general but are not going to make huge demonstrative differences in benzo withdrawal I imagine. B-Vitamins for balanced energy worked well for me. Magnesium (Avoid magnesium oxide and magnesium aspartate)  in the correct forms helped me with headaches/body tension greatly and reduced overall anxiety somewhat. Chamomile Tea helped insomnia and anxiety moderately and if you get really good natural stuff it just makes you feel better. Keep on keeping on friends.

[[aw...]]

Hi, Klub Kids:

 

I spoke with Njoy today. She's in Texas, no problems that couldn't be handled, having a good time with the matriarchs of her family. I asked her to get me a Stetson, changed my mind when she said they start at $150...but there's a good, cheap steak house on every corner! 

 

Aweigh

[[ja...]]

Hi KK of the BB,

 

Lots of good news today - CONGRATS MOGEII!! I just said to my husband, "Mogeii jumped!" and he goes "Yay!"- he knows from me what a challenge that is. Jumping is just what it feels like, jumping into the unknown - facing the music of life without the crutch of Klonopin. GO MOGE!

 

JustKeepSwimming, I can speak to your question about what to do with post-benzo anxiety. Since jumping about 11 months ago (!!!), I left one horrible job, got fired from another, had crippling foot surgery, stress/anxiety/insomnia etc etc - I kind of expected that after jumping from Klonopin I would be anxiety-free, you know? Riiiight.  How I dealt with it: the main thing was meditation. I have been out of practice since getting laid off 3 weeks ago, but I'll get back into it. Deep breathing is spectacular. That having been said, the hugest thing was that I felt the anxiety and dealt with it. Totally foreign concept to me, still is, but I have to think that's what I need to do, to get back into life. Hope this helps! 

 

SkyZ! YAY and good, good luck. We're behind you.

 

Octo! How nice to see you. Missed you. TMI? No such thang. Now about your steady flow...

 

Life is very good here at the Jaxnj house. I got a job!!! The one I wanted with the academic publishing company, dealing with the medical device industry. So excited to be back in the healthcare world. Not thrilled that it's back in Sales, but it's inside sales, so maybe it will be ok. I start on April 23.

 

The new job is close to 30 miles away, so we're taking this opportunity to move to a bigger and better place. Yesterday I found an apartment that has incredible amenities like a dishwasher (never had one), a balcony, a family room, eat-in kitchen - only $50 more than we're paying right now. My work will be 10 minutes from home.

 

Those of you who know me well, know that my middle name is perseverance. I've learned a really strong lesson this year that when you stay optimistic, you will land on your feet. No question. It's just how you approach life! 

 

Have a beautiful spring day today, everyone!!

 

 

 

[[re...]]

Hi, all! 

 

Jaxy, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE JOB!!! 

 

And Mogeii, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE JUMP!!! 

 

And that's all I have time for just now, folks--nutty day!

 

Wishing you all windows -

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[No...]]

I just love hearing when people jump. I can't wait, but I've finally learned I have to. 

 

I posted a few days ago that I'd called my shrink about the withdrawal symptoms I'm having and asked her if she'd heard of the Ashton method. (She hadn't.) When I brought up the idea of crossing over to Valium, she cut me off with a resounding NO WAY. She insisted I come in for an appointment, and I agreed only because I was feeling held hostage by her power to write enough prescriptions to see me through the taper. I took the forum's advice and printed a copy of the manual to take with me.

 

Couldn't have been more shocked. I started to hand her the manual, but she stopped me. She said she'd looked into Ashton and agreed to switch me to Valium. She also said I looked like hell (yeah, that's true) and said I'd reduced my dosage wa-a-a-a-ay too quickly. So, I agreed to stay at 1mg for 2 weeks with the addition of 10mg Valium and will be splitting my dosage into twice-a-day now.

 

I'm still feeling awful, but I'm a lot more hopeful about how this will go and feeling really grateful to have my doctor's cooperation. Thanks much for the advice. If I had any sort of memory, I'd make that a more personal thanks ... but by the time I look at the posts and open the reply window, I forget who wrote what. 

 

Editing to add: Congrats on the job, jaxnj! (No memory, I tell ya!)

[[Br...]]

Couldn't have been more shocked. I started to hand her the manual, but she stopped me. She said she'd looked into Ashton and agreed to switch me to Valium. She also said I looked like hell (yeah, that's true) and said I'd reduced my dosage wa-a-a-a-ay too quickly. So, I agreed to stay at 1mg for 2 weeks with the addition of 10mg Valium and will be splitting my dosage into twice-a-day now.

 

Wow that's amazing NKN, I've yet to find a sympathetic doctor. Keep it up ...

 

Brian

[[re...]]

NoKlonoNo, that IS amazing!  Somebody listened, finally--I mean somebody on the prescribing end of things.  Now, if only this would turn out to be a trend, eh?

 

Hoping for windows and progress for everyone -

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[Ju...]]

Hi everyone,

 

I am sure you know this, but I have to say how lovely it feels to have people reply to me after joining here just a few days ago.  The support means so much even though it is just pixels on a screen!

 

I am feeling rather positive right now, having just come from a good meeting with my doctor (GP, dont have a pdoc anymore due to $$). She said that she is willing to support trying to c/o to valium although she thinks that at this low a dose of klonopin it probably isnt withdrawal causing anxiety but actual anxiety... oh well the main point is she agreed to give tapering one more try before putting me on an SSRI. Yay! She suggested librium as a crossover med. Anyone know anything about that? For now I am just going to be dry cutting until I get to 0.5 because in the past that has been where the problems start.

 

The most important thing is that I know that benzos are not the solution and there are other solutions. A few things that help me (except when they dont!):

 

1) the glasses from lowbluelights.com seem to help with sleep- if I put them on at the same time every night I at least know that I am sending reliable sleep signals to my brain. You really can read and watch tv with them on although everything looks orange.

2) the spoonk mat from amazon.com. Takes some getting used to, but it has helped me go back to sleep after waking up at 3am.

3) yoga nidra. I try to find time to do it during the day so I am not pressuring myself to relax/sleep.

 

Please share some of my hopefulness- I am sure I will be back asking for some in return in the coming days/months!

 

JustKeepSwimming

[[re...]]

JustKeepSwimming, it's good to hear from you.  Just for the record, I never took more than 1mg of clonazepam, and I had HORRENDOUS anxiety coming off.  Granted, I'm a somewhat anxious person ANYWAY, but this was off-the-charts, and qualitatively, as well as quantitatively, different from any anxiety I had ever experienced before.  So your doctor may just not have the experience to know how little of this stuff it takes, sometimes, to send a person's brain into anxiety-overdrive.  I'm just sayin'.  But you DO sound positive, and MORE POWER TO YOU--you can do this, and you will.  We're here.

 

Peace,

 

Rek

[[dm...]]

Hello my kk friends,

 

I'm very tired, exhausted more like it, so I really don't feel much like posting. But I feel the need to keep my presence in the klub known.

 

More to follow...just too damned tired today.

 

Hi Jaxnj, Njoy, lizie, eastcoast, I'll catch up later about see the spinal surgeon and new symptoms. Cutting my halcion tonight...almost done with it (OK to rapid taper per Ashton Chap II).

 

Thanks for being there.

 

Dave

[[Sk...]]

Day 3 of dose reduction of 0.125mg.  Heart is beating fast at times but I don't really notice it unless I feel my chest.  It's not beating extremely fast so I guess I shouldn't worry.  It is only day 3!!  I still have almost 7 months to go.

 

-SZ-

[[dm...]]

HANG IN THERE SKY...PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE...STICK TO THE PLAN, STICK TO THE PLAN, STICK TO THE PLAN!

 

Dave

 

P.S.(by the way, did I say STICK TO THE PLAN!?!  )

[[dm...]]

Moge...

 

CONGRATS ON THE JUMP  I PRAY YOUR HEALING IS SMOOTH AND SYMPTOM FREE!

 

Dave

[[dm...]]

JaxNJ,

 

Congrats on the job and finding a good apartment...I'm still hangin' here in Keyport GSP 117...hope everything works out for ya'...how can it be otherwise...you are, after all, "PERSEVERENCE"! Stick to the plan! I'm just about done with the halcion (OK to rapid taper per Ashton Chap II)...looking forward to the battle with the K.

 

Take care

 

Dave

[[Sk...]]

HANG IN THERE SKY...PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE...STICK TO THE PLAN, STICK TO THE PLAN, STICK TO THE PLAN!

 

Dave

 

P.S.(by the way, did I say STICK TO THE PLAN!?!  )

Thanks.  I will.  I am getting people on here telling me that 0.125mg down every 2 weeks is too fast!  I tried titration and that made me feel horrible.  Really?  Is 0.125mg an extremely high dose to cut at?  I think not.  My doctor was going to cut 1mg a week!!  That's just 2 weeks and done.  So to take almost a year to taper, I think is not a bad idea.  Someone please back me up here. 

[[dm...]]

Hi Sky,

 

I plan to cut .0625 mg every two weeks, half your rate. Maybe you should give it a try...if its too slow, you can always increase.

 

I use the .125 mg orally dissolving wafers cut in half to get the .0625 dose, and combine as necessary with a whole wafer or split .5 mg pill to achieve the total desired dose.

 

This method divides a .5 mg pill into eigths, each eigth = .0625 mg. Two weeks per eigth = 16 weeks per pill = 4 months.

 

When I get down to .0625 mg, I plan to titrate and jump at half of .0625.

 

GET WITH A PLAN AN STICK TO IT!