The Klonopin Klub

[[Bu...]]

Daisies:  I'm so glad you are feeling better overall but, sorry you got slammed today.  Seems like K isn't finished with us yet.  I imagine it messes with our hormones like it does a lot of things.  Hope you feel better soon!

 

Kgirl:  that is good advice!

 

Maya:  thank-you 

 

[[my...]]

Thanks Kgirl.  I only have three more weeks if I go down to 0.003mg (the smallest I can potentially weigh out), but I might not go down quite that low depending on how sick of cutting I get and how finicky my scale gets. Sorry for being whiny today, but sometimes you just really need reassurance. Thank you. It means a lot.

 

Swickey, I'm glad I can be of help. I definitely haven't been this positive through my whole taper - it's taken time and adjustment and development of better coping skills. Positivity and gratitude are actual big coping tools for me. I don't always do it successfully, but when I'm feeling awful I try to think of things as positively as I can and it prevents me from sliding further and further into a bad place. It's hard, but it definitely helps.

 

Good for you, Daisies!!!  You go girl 

 

Mana  :smitten:

[[B ...]]

Thanks for the birthday wishes Burned, Maya, Mana and anyone else.

 

Burned,

Glad you feel saner on the way down. Good for you and good to hear.

 

Maya,

After all you've been through, amazing you're standing up to try and help with the fight against this terrible drug.

 

Mana,

I so hope you're right that next year will be better. I read your post on micro thread glad to hear sxs are fading for you.

 

Nomo,

I live near the ocean and have been caught in a rip tide...great analogy. Last year near me a Navy rescue swimmer drowned trying to swim against the undertow. Even the best have to ride the waves and can't humanly overcome trying to fight them.

Sorry for all your dealing with.

 

Daisies,

Sorry for the rough day....you are so close, you will make it.

 

WR,

You're almost there. Happy for you. Keep going.

 

 

Bennie, CD, Kgirl, New Girl, Gilster, Coyote, Liberty, Swickey, HTC, and all KK....hope we all heal a little tonight.

 

 

[[sw...]]

Hey everyone, I'm having a real hard time. Before this K mess, I was already suffering major depression, some anxiety and morning terrors. I still haven't found a taper schedule I'm comfortable with and I hate not having a plan. I'm absolutely terrified that I'm going to straight up go crazy. I haven't even had a close call to a legit panic attack but I've had a few "episodes" where I feel like I'm about to lose it but they pass.

 

All I do all day everyday is worry about this process after waking in pure panic on the daily. No one can make me stop I suppose but it's intensified my depression so bad that it feels nearly impossible to do anything (and I'm crazy groggy when I wake up). The fatigue keeps me from exercising in proper. I walk about a mile and then have to lay down for awhile bc it flares up my mental symptoms and wears me out. I live with my mom now and she's taking good care of me but there are too many hours in the day. I've lost interests in all my interests. I nearly go into a panic attack trying to play any video games and fill like a bum when I do try (as if worrying is better than video games). I've lost my passion for nature. I used to take midnight strolls before the K and now I get freaked out to be out at night. It's like I've been robbed of my greatest pleasure.

 

I guess I'm just venting and hoping some of you will encourage me. I feel worst right after my dose which makes it hard to do much of anything for many hours after. It's getting harder to leave the house and I have a REAL hard time being cooped up all day. I'm terrified of the thought of being bed bound. I've tried meditation and honestly I just get really scared looking into my soul like that. I've been glued to these boards lately bc it's about my only distraction. My mom tells me to think of positive memories but they're all triggers - reminding me of what I've lost. Basically I feel completely hopeless and I refuse to try an A/D. They've robbed me of my soul before and are partially what got me into this mess. Blows my mind to think a year ago, I was feeling fantastic. I was still me.

 

Bless all of you from the bottom of my heart. I cherish your support so much. I know many suffer far more than me and don't complain half as much. Fear owns me.

[[Tr...]]

Hi all!

 

Whew, trying to catch up with all the posts!

 

WR:  glad you are feeling well and so excited that you're on the final countdown to being benzo free!  You've come so far and done so well 

 

Gilster:  hope you get some more windows and thank-you for posting about Deep-she is always in my thoughts

 

Can Do:  loved the picture of your dog!  Looked like he was smiling-what a character!  Hope your jolts settle down soon, too

 

Mana:  Yes!  I get those random sxs after reducing my dose too-sure does keep me guessing when trying to plan something

 

CoyoteLake:  hope you get a window soon too!

 

Hardtocope:  Hang in there!  I'm microtapering all the way down and the waves have been shorter in length and more bearable the lower I get.  Sleep is getting better, too.  You will do this

 

Swickey:  hope your pup feels better soon

 

Bennie:  glad your MRI went well and hope you feel better today!

 

Survivingbenzotaper:  glad your microtaper is helping you.  Sorry to hear that your Mom is in the hospital.  Thinking of you

 

Liberty:  Hang in there!

 

CaretakerDH:  It's wonderful that you are such great support for your wife!  I couldn't have come this far without my husband.  I updosed once and think it helped a little for about a week, but I was also having interdose withdrawals.  I got great advice here to try and cut my dose in two and dose twice a day and that helped a lot!  If I cut too much or sxs ramp up too much, holding for about a week helps me stabilize a bit before the next reduction.  Our bodies are trying so hard to find balance and get us well!

 

Bstrong:  Sorry your birthday was so rough.  I've been through several that I'd just like to forget but, this year it was better.  Things will get better for us and you will have those wonderful birthdays with your family again!  We are amazingly resilient!

 

Kgirl:  So happy that you are near the end of you benzo saga too!  Ten years-wow-you have come so far!  I'm titrating down to 0 too and I think it will be down to a drop at the end!

 

Nomo:  "learning how to cope in this perfect storm"...exactly!  I know for sure that sooo many of the things that use to bother/anger me don't anymore.  I've learned what's really important in my life and just let everything else go.  My counselor said my theme song could be the Frozen movie song "Let It Go"  .  Awfully hard earned wisdom though!!

 

Try:  nice to see you and hope you are doing well, too

 

Betsy:  thanks for the link-very interesting and helpful

 

Maya:  You have come so far too!  Another true K warrior 

 

Newgirl:  BB and KK are wonderful indeed!  Couldn't do this without them for sure

 

Mccrow-glad you're doing ok.  The tapering board can help you with calculations, too.  I'm doing a liquid MT

 

Daisies:  Yes!  Those cortisol surges/wave in different places all day are so weird!  Seems like sxs are cycling so fast now-what a rollercoaster!  I find even the windows are cycling faster as well.  I really believe that we are healing overall though.  You too are so close to being benzo free 

 

Take care K klubbers!

 

Hi Burned,. How are you doing?  I see you are getting lower!!  Every cut is one step closer to the finish line!!

 

TRY

 

[[Tr...]]

How did you do you calculations for tapering below 1.0 Kolonipin?  I am at 1.50 and so far am doing OK.

 

McCrow,. I see in your sig. that you were on Xanax and switched to Klonopin then back to Xanax then back to Klonopin. 

 

I'm no expert in this process.  I'm the problem child of KK Klub.  I don't know if this can be of help.  Just trying to offer some assistance.  How are you currently measuring your doses?  Are you dry cutting or using liquid?  It's difficult to give you a calculation for tapering because tapering rates in general are very individual.  You may find when you get under .5 mg that you need to slow down or reduce the percentage of each reduction.  Or, you may find that you can maintain your cut rate all the way down.  It really depends on what is tolerable for you.  Many of us have had to make adjustments to our tapers as we go.  One thing about this process is there will be constant change.

 

In the wise words of Bennie: This is not a race, throw out the calendar.  Slow and steady will get you to being free!

 

Hopefully, some seasoned vets can offer some additional advice.

[[Tr...]]

Kgirl, I see you are kicking V's butt!  Keep it up

 

 

WR, You Rock!

 

Bennie, hope the pain is easing up.  Much gratitude to you for the support you have given.

 

Nomo, thinking of you.  Sorry about your father, keeping your family in my prayers.

 

Can I see you are still Doing!!!  Hope the jolts ease up for you.

 

Maya, I saw you on W-BAD.  Thank you for bringing awareness to this epidemic.  For sharing your experience, and giving the world visibility to the damage these drugs can do.  This issue has been ignored for far too long.  Hope you are doing well.

 

Daises, Kgirl, WR. You will be jumping soon, Congrats!!!

 

I'm taking a break from the boards-I call it Turtle Timing.  Need to decompress.  I'm thinking of you all. 

 

Wishing everyone lots of windows!

 

TRY

 

 

 

[[Be...]]

Thanks Kgirl.  I only have three more weeks if I go down to 0.003mg (the smallest I can potentially weigh out), but I might not go down quite that low depending on how sick of cutting I get and how finicky my scale gets. Sorry for being whiny today, but sometimes you just really need reassurance. Thank you. It means a lot.

 

Daisies,

I walked off at .005 mg K. The anticipation in the week ahead was worse than the actual stopping. Kinda like trying to psyche myself up to get into the pool on a hot day: water might even be warm but still, I just had to do it. Then came relief, psychologically. Hey, the water is fine—gee, I knew that! And physically, nothing was much different than I had experienced before. It was all doable, as essentially many things are in retrospect. You're going to be OK. 

 

Bennie

[[Kg...]]

Daisies: I think I cut around where Bennie did since I could not see my pills anymore. I think at the end a lot of this as Bennie says is psychological since at the dose we are on it is not therapeutic anymore.  I would jump when you feel comfortable. Bennie told me to plan nothing for the 1st week off and I did not. It wasn't that I was so much worse but knowing I didn't have to go anywhere or do anything helped me a lot.  You have been healing all the way down and you will continue to heal once you are off. 

 

Bennie: Please enjoy the cool air for me - I hope today is a better day for you.

 

Hello to all - and I hope today is a decent Sunday. 

[[ca...]]

Daisies: I think I cut around where Bennie did since I could not see my pills anymore. I think at the end a lot of this as Bennie says is psychological since at the dose we are on it is not therapeutic anymore.  I would jump when you feel comfortable. Bennie told me to plan nothing for the 1st week off and I did not. It wasn't that I was so much worse but knowing I didn't have to go anywhere or do anything helped me a lot.  You have been healing all the way down and you will continue to heal once you are off. 

 

Bennie: Please enjoy the cool air for me - I hope today is a better day for you.

 

Hello to all - and I hope today is a decent Sunday.

Good morning Kgirl & Bennie and everyone else too many to list . Another hot day here so my just do nothing and use the heat as an excuse !

[[NY...]]

Kgirl, I see you are kicking V's butt!  Keep it up

 

 

WR, You Rock!

 

Bennie, hope the pain is easing up.  Much gratitude to you for the support you have given.

 

Nomo, thinking of you.  Sorry about your father, keeping your family in my prayers.

 

Can I see you are still Doing!!!  Hope the jolts ease up for you.

 

Maya, I saw you on W-BAD.  Thank you for bringing awareness to this epidemic.  For sharing your experience, and giving the world visibility to the damage these drugs can do.  This issue has been ignored for far too long.  Hope you are doing well.

 

Daises, Kgirl, WR. You will be jumping soon, Congrats!!!

 

I'm taking a break from the boards-I call it Turtle Timing.  Need to decompress.  I'm thinking of you all. 

 

Wishing everyone lots of windows!

 

TRY

 

Hi Try,

 

Good to see you posting again, and glad to know you're taking care of yourself, decompressing as needed.  Thinking of you always. 

 

CD - it's getting HOT, and only 10AM  .  Our pool doesn't open until next Wednesday, so I'm stuck with walking the hot city streets for now.

 

All of this talk about cutting to (literal?) dust got me cutting more pills.  I cut down to .002 grams  .  Not sure I will go down that far, but then again, I will ask myself - why not?  Better safe than sorry?   

 

I am thinking of everyone, just not on BB as much (for now).  I'm still unsure if I'm in a window or if this is my new baseline (I think it is). Whatever it is - just trying to roll with it, and push the envelope a bit more each day. 

 

Love and big hugs,

WR

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Be...]]

Bennie: Please enjoy the cool air for me - I hope today is a better day for you.

 

Hello to all - and I hope today is a decent Sunday.

 

My hands are freezing. Quite chilly. Hot tub would be nice.  Fog will burn off and tomato plants will be happy. Me, I wish that were the case.

 

Kgirl and CD, ya gotta find something cool to do!

 

Swickey, you might find the 'Panic Workbook' somewhat helpful, by Carbonelle. Withdrawal anxiety and panic are different than garden variety anxiety, but there are tools that help both that are similar. Fear is real, the threat is not. Remember this. Maybe wear a rubber band on your wrist as reminder and snap it... As a child I had many sore throats, strep in fact. I got many throat cultures and screamed bloody murder while they tried to culture my throat with a swab, holding me down. As an adult, I know the procedure is harmless, aggravating, and brief. On the one side of unpleasant experience is 'emotion mind', on the other side is 'rational mind', and somewhere in the middle is 'wise mind' that understands and holds both experiences. We must work very hard to embrace the rational side to even get to the place of being in wise mind. Do whatever you can—perhaps write down rational steps and reassurances that you will take if/when panic arises. The more we resist accepting that things are awful but temporary, the more they tend to endure. Our mind gets hijacked in this process, but it's possible to use our over-vigilance to our advantage. Lastly, if you are walking 1 mile a day, give yourself a BIG pat on the back. This is HUGE in terms of self care at this time. I struggled to get out of bed at times, and make it to the end of the block. Regular exercise was and is still very difficult. So do what you can and don't set the bar TOO high. I am wishing you a reprieve from the fear that binds you, and much healing.

 

Bennie

[[sw...]]

Thanks Bennie, the depression has been so overwhelming. It's so hard to get out of bed but I always do. It's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks so much for your kind words.

[[Bu...]]

Morning all,

 

Bennie:  Thank-you, thank-you for the wise words you posted about anxiety and also about jumping!  "Fear is real, the threat is not" (brilliant), and anticipating the jump is worse than actual stopping...Jeez, I needed to hear those today!  Been having bad anxiety waves since Fri dose mess up and worried things were getting worse.  Physical sxs are tolerable, just the K mind games right now...ugh!

 

Kgirl:  Thank-you too for posting about things being psychological,l "since dose we are on is not therapeutic anymore"!  I'm wondering if the few drops I'm on are really helping much right now.  Thanks for the reminder too, that we've been healing on the way down and will heal once we are off.  We will all do this.

 

Swicky:  hang in there-we are here for you-you will do this!

 

Try:  Glad you're doing ok and thank-you for the reminder that "every cut is one step closer to the finish line"!  I needed to hear that too, today. I'm riding the daily symptom roller-coaster but, feel that my overall baseline is much better than it used to be.  I am grateful for that and that the finish line is in site!

 

Hope everyone has an ok day 

[[Co...]]

Good morning friends -

 

I don't know if I'm feeling better, I'm very detached, which also feels a bit scary.  What if THIS is my baseline?  My thinking process is so, so off.  I wanted to delete my account here yesterday and I have no good reason to do so.  Last night my daughter was reminiscing that I threw away or put in a tag sale something she made when she was a kid (years after), and I drained her waterbed when she was away at camp.  I had to try so hard not to start crying.  I don't even remember those events and I was sober!

 

Swickey, for me, the depression comes from years of feeling helpless/powerless at being so sick without knowing what was wrong.  The worry about what people close to me are thinking.  Needing to stay as stable as possible for my job - I teach at a community college and have to "perform" several times a week for classrooms of 35 students.  I can't even think about it.

 

I know I'm still me somewhere - most of my exodus these last 5 years is all self preservation and for many of us with a history of trauma, this kicks in like second nature.

 

I can't deal with silence for too long during those times - the snakes start coming out of my head.  I have a variety of podcasts on my phone ranging from meditation to paranormal.  I also listen to audible and have a variety of books in my library bc I never know where my mood will be.  Sometimes I become furious at self-help kind of stuff, but that's when I know my mood is cranked up.

 

Thinking of all of you and sending kind thoughts - Bstrong, swickey, Nomo, Daisies, CD, Kgirl, Burned, Bets, Bennie, WR, Mymana, Maya, Trying, Liberty, caretaker.  :smitten:

[[ca...]]

Good morning friends -

 

I don't know if I'm feeling better, I'm very detached, which also feels a bit scary.  What if THIS is my baseline?  My thinking process is so, so off.  I wanted to delete my account here yesterday and I have no good reason to do so.  Last night my daughter was reminiscing that I threw away or put in a tag sale something she made when she was a kid (years after), and I drained her waterbed when she was away at camp.  I had to try so hard not to start crying.  I don't even remember those events and I was sober!

 

Swickey, for me, the depression comes from years of feeling helpless/powerless at being so sick without knowing what was wrong.  The worry about what people close to me are thinking.  Needing to stay as stable as possible for my job - I teach at a community college and have to "perform" several times a week for classrooms of 35 students.  I can't even think about it.

 

I know I'm still me somewhere - most of my exodus these last 5 years is all self preservation and for many of us with a history of trauma, this kicks in like second nature.

 

I can't deal with silence for too long during those times - the snakes start coming out of my head.  I have a variety of podcasts on my phone ranging from meditation to paranormal.  I also listen to audible and have a variety of books in my library bc I never know where my mood will be.  Sometimes I become furious at self-help kind of stuff, but that's when I know my mood is cranked up.

 

Thinking of all of you and sending kind thoughts - Bstrong, swickey, Nomo, Daisies, CD, Kgirl, Burned, Bets, Bennie, WR, Mymana, Maya, Trying, Liberty, caretaker.  :smitten:

Coyote, Burned & Swickey, just take thing one day at a time believe me I know it`s rough. I just wanted to make a short reply to your posts as I know going this alone with all this uncertainty is  very very hard so know I am thinking and pulling for you all and just keep believing it will get better !

[[Bu...]]

Thank-you so much CD    Hope your are doing ok today and staying cool.

[[sw...]]

Thanks Coyote and Can Do. Everyone's support is so helpful. I feel so selfish bc caring for my injured dog is really causing anxiety. I can't help but feel his pain when I look at him. But at least he's okay.

[[pu...]]

Hello All,

 

Just stopping by to say I hope you all have good days.

 

As for me things have been really great.  I have been very busy now that I am physically feeling 80% and psychologically feeling 100%.  I have not checked in for the last week or so and I see there are many, many post.

 

Nice to get out and work around the house and go out to eat and go places with my wife.

 

The Dr put me on Olanzapine and is now switching me over to Latuda.  During this time I am holding my taper at .203mg/day.  The new medication seems to be working great.  Either that or I have had a window that has lasted over 10 days.  Yesterday I even forgot to take my .203 mg and I could not tell it until I took my dose today.

 

Not sure how fast I will taper when the Dr says I can resume the taper.  Based on how I feel and the day I skipped I think I will try to increase the taper rate.

 

There is hope for all of us.  I never thought I would get my life back and feel reasonably well, but it did happen and I hope it continues.  Also hoping for you all to get better.

 

I’ll try to pop in once in a while to see how you all are doing.

 

Thank you to all my buddies for their support and help.

 

Steve

 

[[Kg...]]

Wow Steve so great to hear how well you are doing. 

[[li...]]

Good evening/afternoon/morning to all.

 

As I mentioned somewhere, I got an offer to participate in a 6 days trial with flumazenil infusions. Supposedly, it would work very well in Italy and Australia. That's stopping the benzo, and starting the flumazenil infusions. Alledgedly, it would work well for those on long acting (and half life) benzos.

 

Earlier, I talked to a neurologist on healthtap who stated that it often didn't work for those on long acting benzos.

 

I followed up on the email I received, since I had some doubts at best. I asked if any other drugs were used. Generally, no. Although the pilot was set up after experiences in Australia, where they give people antiepileptic drugs, they think they know better here and they don't offer anything of the sort ! It is well known that antiepileptics help some people. And just flumazenil, that's supposed to be good enough for 2 mg clonazepam ? (It's not even out of the system after 6 days.) Simply because 'it was not proven to be necessary' and they don't like to prescribe drugs.

 

Well, that was a disappointment. I predict failure for those on high dose, long term daily regimens.

 

So, what's next for me. Force myself on diazepam ?? I may see how I react to lower doses of this drug but since I'm really messed up ...

 

My somatic health was neglected ('if it may have something to do with the benzo, just stop taking it'), I simply wasn't taken seriously for the rest. Hard to imagine, for most people. So if I just get rid of the benzo I'll get better ?  It's really, really hard and draining.

I've had very little sleep and feel like I need to sleep this off ...

[[be...]]

Liberty:

 

That's a shame. But you had enough sense to do further research and now know it is not for you. If it were me and I was so desperate, I will call Ashton myself...........

[[fi...]]

liberty, I'm sorry. That sounds rough.

 

Steve, I'm glad to hear you're doing so well! I hope it keeps up for you. You never know - some tapers are smooth, so hopefully yours will be from here on out.

 

Bets, good to see you!

 

Cut my pills today for the next week. It's always so bizarre to look at these tiny chips of pill and remember that I used to take two whole pills a day! (0.5mg 2x/day at my highest dose) Strange strange strange. And rewarding, in a way, to be able to see how far I've come.

 

Am having a bit of a wavy night, but it's not as bad as yesterday (I crawled into bed at 6 yesterday; it's 8:30 now and I kind of *want* to go to bed but I know I don't *need* to, so I'm staying up), so I'm counting that a blessing. I survived yesterday, so I'll survive this. It's all in perspective.

 

WR, Bennie, Maya, Kgirl, CD, Coyote, B strong, Burned, HTC, kqact, swickey, Try, Mana, and anyone I missed - wishing you all a night as easy as possible.

 

- Daisies

[[Ca...]]

Man this is a busy thread! Hard to keep up with it all!

 

My wife had a window today, lasted about five minutes but it was a pretty good one. It lets me know that there is hope and that things will level off in time. On the other hand, during that five minutes she managed to laugh at how horrible the bbq sandwiches were that I made. My pride in my cooking hath been bruised, but I will take it any day for some more Windows! 

 

By the way, those sandwiches really were awful....

[[sw...]]

Goodnight Daisies, hope you enjoy the rest of your night!

 

Caretaker, SO glad to hear your wife has gotten some relief. Wow, it had been awhile!