50 and over club- withdrawal and recovery issues for the aged :-)

[[...]]

Make room for me. I'm 65 and have been off and on for many years, but it's only recently that I've had BIG trouble getting off the bus. I thought I could outwit it, then a therapist suggested I go on a small daily dose, which just poured in  the cement. I would love to be supportive, but I'm too wrapped up in my own stuff to be of much help. It's nice to know that others have gotten out of this prison.

[[ve...]]

Aside from Benzos, I was wondering what the most difficult thing you've had to endure in your first 50 or 60 years?  For me it's been my father's cancer and when I got Shingles.

 

Vertigo

[Guest [th...]]

Aside from Benzos, I was wondering what the most difficult thing you've had to endure in your first 50 or 60 years?  For me it's been my father's cancer and when I got Shingles.

 

Vertigo

 

For me:

 

1. My childhood

2. Panic Disorder, Social Phobia, GAD, Agoraphobia

3. Opiate w/d

 

T

[[ga...]]

abusive childhood

homelessness

raped

abusive heroin drug addict first husband who kidnapped my kids to his middle east country and I had to get them back then right after that, someone I trusted molestred my children. panic attack, agoraphobia. not a damn thing tops what benzos did to me. not a damn thing. it left me too messed up to take proper steps in my life and for my children. i stopped thinking straight and became agoraphobic.

[[mt...]]

Hi Garuda

I am so sad to read all you have endured for so long.  I am so impressed with your conviction in becoming benzo free.  I am amazed that you keep focusing on moving forward and getting "out there" while in so much pain.  I am inspired by your strength and insights and will think of you when I feel like life is tough and I don't have enough to keep on going.

 

Sending you my blessings for continued healing.  Great news on the knee.  Keep fighting the good fight.

 

Mimi

 

 

[[pr...]]

Aside from Benzos, I was wondering what the most difficult thing you've had to endure in your first 50 or 60 years?  For me it's been my father's cancer and when I got Shingles.

 

Vertigo

 

Like others, my childhood.  Raped and tortured beginning at age three.  Sorry, probably TMI.  But you asked...

 

Second worst was the 20 years on all the psych meds that were making me so sick and suicidal and miserable and completely dysfunctional and unable to work or mother well, or have a normal social life or relationships.  Having the childhood I did I figured they were right, I was mentally ill and the drugs were HELPING me.  HAH!  Finally figured it out.  I'm healthier now in every way now that I'm tapering OFF the drugs and on lower doses of everything.

[[co...]]

hello....new and 65.....so so much hurt and pain coming out in this thread.....

 

as you can see from below....cancer has been a big part of my life for eight years.....

and never doubt the shingles hurt like blazes :'(

 

glad to have found this site as I start this journey

 

cottage girl

[[me...]]

I'm Megan, 62--coming to terms with getting old!

 

 

My husband's sudden tragic death @ 53, in 2002.  He accidently killed himself.

 

Being the child of two narsicists.

 

Other than that, 35 years of panic, anxiety and depression.

[[el...]]

I had two parents who suffered from depression, my childhood stunk for the most part (lots of neglect and fear), and my mother died when I was 8. It was a foregone conclusion (by the psychs) that I had the double whammy - mentally ill from my childhood experience topped with the genetic doom and gloom of two parents with depression. And you can throw in 40 years of alcoholism. I honestly felt doomed as I was going through the mental part of w/d. I thought for certain that I was mentally ill and would never recover without meds. That‘s what my psychs and even my therapist told me. I had next to no hope. Just as prhiannon has said, it took me a long time to figure it out too (largely with the help of the forums including many of prhiannon's posts here and on BW) - that the meds were messing me over as well as the booze.

 

I take nothing at all now and haven’t had a drink in over 2 ½ years. I haven’t felt this good mentally in probably over 40 years. My childhood may have been filled with fear and sadness and my parents may have been very depressed, but, as an adult, I’m feeling pretty wonderful these days.

 

By far, benzo w/d tops the list of misery in my life. But it is coming to a close and leaving me in an excellent place.

 

eli

 

[[ve...]]

Wow. So many of y'all have braved some really difficult circumstances, some of which led to being medicated to numb out much of the pain.  I think one of you posted that "so so much hurt and pain" was coming out on this thread.  Sometimes it can help to let some of it go.  I am humbled by what some of you have had to endure.  Makes my journey look like a cake walk by comparison.

 

Vertigo

[[mt...]]

How sad it is to turn 60 and be waiting to see if your mom will send you a birthday card? (NO)  The good news that in spite

of all we have overcome we are still working hard to get healthy and to be happier.  Benzo dependency and withdrawal is not for the faint of heart.  Perhaps all we have endured has made us stronger, wiser and more resilient in the long run.

 

Mimi

 

"He said that those who have endured some misfortune will always be set apart but that it is just that misfortune which is their gift and which is their strength and that they must make their way back into the common enterprise of man for without they do so it cannot go forward and they themselves will wither in bitterness".  Cormac McCarthy All The Pretty Horses

[[Fl...]]

Some of the hardest things I've had to endure:

*being forcibly "removed" from my loving family who raised me from birth at the age of five

*abusive childhood after that with new family

*having so many surgeries and procedures and tests done to my body and being sick too many times to count.

* thinking for years that I had lost my mind when in fact I was in tolerance withdrawal from being put on benzos for damage from one of the surgeries.

[[ga...]]

wow, so much suffering. I'm proud of all of you. and of me. we have a great future before us. don't we? I think so.

[[ve...]]

wow, so much suffering. I'm proud of all of you. and of me. we have a great future before us. don't we? I think so.

 

[[Fl...]]

I agree Garuda; if nothing else we are a testament to survival.  I know it is one of my biggest testimonies is to be able to say I survived.  I surprised myself by writing that down yesterday as I wasn't ever going to put that on this forum.  I left out all the details but it was like being kidnapped as a child.  I am trying to not be "addicted" to "my story" these days.  If I tell my story I want it to be for good ; to help others and to encourage and strengthen them in someway.  To just tell all the sad details would only give it more power.  We are a testament to endurance!

blessings friends,

fb

[[In...]]

I believe I've already run through a bunch of my stuff, but here goes in quick order:

 

Living with my parents; 2 highly educated and raging alcoholics while looking out for 2 younger brothers until we all became teenagers.

 

Staying married to my husband ( not a bed of roses) for 40.5 years.

 

Raising 2 teenagers, one of whom has really put us through our paces with bi-polar disorder and who became a teen mom. We continue to have issues there.

 

Having my husband disabled by a TBI in an accident and me having to completely "take over."

 

Having a rare throat disorder requiring 14 surgeries over @10 years with 2 tracheotomies, and 2 inches of my trachea removed.

 

Having to fight my insurance company in Federal Court to see the specialist who did all this work while a good portion of the time I could barely breathe.

 

Getting my college education while my husband was in therapy, my teen daughter was "doing her thing" and I was struggling to stay alive myself.

 

Now it's benzos: definitely up with the hardest. I don't know if I'll be able to overcome this one.

 

Intend

 

 

[[Fl...]]

Intend, you must be one of the strongest, bravest, enduring women I have ever known!  I am in awe of your enduring spirit!

wishing you much peace and happiness,

fb

[[In...]]

Thank you, Flutterbye.

 

I'm not feeling strong at the moment. The klonopin is still in my system even though I haven't had any for @13 weeks. The w/d sx are very hard. Apparently this is somewhat of a unique situation as most people seem to "bop" around to different benzos more easily.

 

I went to the pharmacy today for my hubby's meds, and the pharmacist asked how I was feeling. I told him I was still having trouble, and he said it's the long half life I am dealing with. I keep hearing this from these pharmacists, so at least they validate my awful sx, which helps me cope. I only took K for 14 weeks; perhaps it will level off soon.

 

I hope you are doing well. I know you have had your own health concerns, and I hope you are finding some resolution for them.

 

Intend

[[ve...]]

I've been off valium for 2 years.The primary reasons that I took valium were for anxiety and/insomnia,in connection with having a parent diagnosed with terminal/cancer about five or six years ago.I also have an emotionally disturbed "adult" sibling who we think may fall onthe Autism spectrum. So,I have had some level ofintermittent anxiety,before benzos too.

 

Two years later, some of these pre-benzo.issues remain to some degree, althoughI've developed some better coping skills. I occasionally get some blues, after family conflicts or stressful times such as during my father's chemotherapy treatments.  I suppose that is pretty expected.  I tend to get down after visits to my elderly father whoI know may lose his battle to/cancer one day. Some of these blues are part of normal existential suffering and pain, something that I now know/can not be fixed with a mind numbing pill. It would be wonderful to wake up one day, to find that no anxiety or blues would ever come back. UnfortunatelyI feel this maybe an/idealistic perspective, perhaps unrealistic as well.

 

Life seems tobe full of stress and painful situations,if you live long enough. My take is that one's CNS maybe extra sensitive afterbenzos, perhaps for several years. With time,I think it may. be possible thatthe CNS will become calmer, maybe GABA areas will rejuvenate and naturally start acting likethey're supposed to .I think one can balance out and at/the same time learn better coping skills for when times get tough.

 

After living 50 years,I have come to realize that "feeling good" may only last until the next stressful thing happens, whether/it's illness.inthe family, a personal health problem, a death, a job loss or problem at work, financial crisis, relationship issue, problem with a child (if you are a parent) or something else. Life is messy andcan be difficult.

 

I have resolved to try and cope with life as. best as possible, without expectations that it will be easy "once withdrawal is over". I had and continue to have some pre-benzo/ issues that still seem to oscillate several years post-benzo. Maybe it's just part of life when things get stressful.  I supposeit's possible that with time, some, of these. issues will dissipate. I think things can still get better andi mprove from here. A calmer nervous system would be nice but may/be I need to accept that my nervous system might not be built that way?  I'm not sure how much of the stress is benzos anymore. Maybe,it's just life's natural ups and downs?

 

Don't get me wrong.I have my share of moments of joy and experience much happiness in life too . Things are much better off, of the benzo than on/it! Having a parent with terminal.cancer over several years and having a child, squeezed between two generations can have some impact on one's perspective though. I'm sure there are others who are struggling with some life stress or several things at once,including a crappy childhood as some of you have posted... and wonder how much of thisis benzo or post-benzo,  vs just life in general.

 

Vertigo

[[co...]]

Hello Vertigo....I think I have the confidence to discuss terminal cancer with you. I think i can also say that yes it is very very difficult for care-givers and children.  My daughter stopped her university and came home to nurse me after liver suregery. My hubby retired so that he could be a full time care giver.  Vertigo after i was out of the woods my daughter just crashed.....she had to do a lot of counselling and i still think she is very fragile....My hubby too...

 

actully what I am I saying?? ::)sometimes I think it is almost as easy to be the patient as it is for those around us so never doubt for one moment that your parent's death has influenced you in a profound way.

 

sorry.....I seem to be babbling.....last night I was out to a big birthday party in a restaurant .  It was 4 hours long and when i got home my first wave hit me.....(day 13 ativan c/t) heart racing, stomach in turmoil, hand shaking, mind racing and then all night the night terrors.

 

this old lady better just stay home in bed for a while longer.  I too can hardly face doing dishes or anything else....seems like a mountain to climb..

 

cottage girl

[[ve...]]

Thanks Cottage Girl. Your daughteris lucky to have you. My late mother also had liver problems, gallbladder, hysterectomy...in her fifties and became addicted to benzodiazapenes, unfortunately as well. She eventually developed. agoraphobia and many health problems in her last ten years or so (no doubt partly reboundanxiety from going on and off and up and down on xanax, lorazepam, valiumand other medications ...and as youindicated with your daughter, that impacted my High Schooland university years quite a bit.

 

I agree thatit can sometimes be harder on the family than the patient sometimes. I hada 15 year break between my mother's death and my father's cancer diagnosis, some of it was spent self medicating with alcohol .Interestingly, it took me over 40 years to try valium .

I also dida c/t off valium backin 2008 but had to reinstate. I hope you will fare better with your c/t offativan.Is there some reason you did c/t,instead ofa slower taper?

 

Best, Vertigo

[[co...]]

Hi Vertigo....I am a 65 year old supposedly smart lady......hahahah not!!!! what did I know.??

 

Eight years of ativan and alprazolam....in the last two years escalating alcohol use....daily....depression, anxiety, fury, anger...blah blah blah....did I even think about the drugs? NOOOOO I just assumed it was left over cancer angst.

Then 2 weekends ago we went away for 3 days and I forgot the ativan.  Yikes....what the h--- is this???/

 

so on the fourth day I thought....okay....let's keep going and then I found you guys and here I am There was no reason other that circumstance.  I had never heard the word benzo and I surely had never heard of a taper....

 

hubby has been supportive...today I thought he was acting like.....okay....done let's get on with our lives now you have dumped the benzos. :'(  I don't want to keep nattering at him about how big a deal this is so somehow I am going to have to keep my mouth shut with him and natter at you guys

 

have a hug 

cg

[[an...]]

That is what we are here for Cottage Girl!  I know with my own husband and my two sisters- they try to be as supportive as they can but I know that what I have been going through for the last 6 months- too rapid of a taper at my GP's suggestion, ending up in the psych unit, sudden weight loss, the anxiety, fear and deprression, lost my job, etc.  just gets to be too much for anyone to handle as we are very wrapped up in ourselves- I don't want to chit chat about the weather and such.  And I also find myself getting angry when they all go on about their lives and I get do a long, slow Valium taper. . . . I am very thrilled to have found this site as I start my journey as I KNOW that people here understand what I have gone through and what I will go through again.  I am grateful to have found you all!  Angelluv

[[co...]]

thanks angel.....i know you start you feel pretty isolated.  I am not in the least embarrassed to talk about this process with friends....okay so I got addicted to ativan.  I am not ashamed.

 

but you are right.......people really don't want to hear about it.

 

on the other hand I am kinda used to this cuz people really don't want to talk about colon cancer. Same thing.....thank goodness for my colon forum.

 

Hope you have a good day angel......I love your avatar.

 

cottage girl

[[In...]]

I guess you 2 are still online. I was quite (internally) upset to realize that I had become dependent on Xanax. I consider myself smart and educated and I am.

 

Paid a literal fortune for my degrees, but that didn't do me a bit of good with recognizing that I've been using  an addictive medication for several years. Frankly, sometimes the whole situation makes me feel despondent as I don't know what to do.

 

I did the Xanax taper thing for awhile(and actually did well) and then it got harder cause I didn't know how to really taper correctly (5-10% per 14 days). Just kind of "winged it". For a couple of years.

 

Then I tried to cross to klonopin cause it has longer half life and I thought it would ease the w/d sx. But then it made me super sick so I'm back on X, and at higher dose than ever cause of trying to go to K and not getting how to do it. And now I've got to handle these horrible K w/ds till it's out of my system, even while I take more X than I've ever taken.

 

I don't know how much anything is hoping me anymore. I can tell K is still there cause of the way I feel. Not just X I/W, but that could eventually prove true. Just wonder how long " mortal man" can cope. And believe me, I've been through plenty of tough stuff in my life. I'm no spring chicken here, but this is "taking the cake " at this point in my life.

 

Intend