Who am I now? Identity group

[[...]]

I absolutely understand that most people would never have started taking medication if they knew what the consequences were, I understand ... BUT....

If I had that choice again, would I take them? Yes!

 I’ve been bad for years, the anxiety is still there, plus a lot of the shit that has happened over the years on xanax. Depression, phobias, not sleeping, I literally don’t live normally and honestly nor do I want to anymore because I don’t see a way out of this state!

Whether my condition is caused by xanax or I just went crazy, I don't know?. I probably won't even find out because I'm so scared to stop taking them. I came here because I need help to get off the medication, in the end I got so scared that I'm sure I can't stand the withdrawal symptoms! .. Despite all that,I would certainly start taking them in the beginning.

Why? Because xanax actually helped me in the beginning. Anxiety is a disease that prevents a normal life. And that happened to me. One day I just found myself in indescribable fear, I didn't know what was going on? I didn't even know what anxiety was !. I couldn’t sleep, think clearly, go outside, I couldn’t sit at a table with my family without running into the room after a few minutes! Going to the store was a nightmare for me, I would spend the whole night thinking about what would happen, what would anyone say, what would I say? I had muscle soreness because I was so stiff with fear when I went outside. So, from a "normal" person, I became mentally incapable of life. I wanted to die because I couldn't stand that pure, horrible fear of everything! ..

 I hate this word that is mentioned a lot here, but it is the only one that can describe the condition I was in, and that is hell! Suicide was my only way out then, I know it shouldn’t be talked about here, but it’s true and I have to write it down.

Then I went to a psychiatrist, in a jacket, a scarf that covered half my face and a hat. I didn't want to undress in front of the doctor either, I was so bad. In that state, just talking without pills wouldn’t help me, I’m sure!

I remember when I first took xanax, it was a long time ago, but I remember. I remember crying with happiness because that pill freed me from the feeling I wanted to die for.

I started going out, found a job, fell in love ...... I was still anxious but xanax helped me get out of the house. For about half a year I slowly started living, with fear but I wanted to live.

So, if the anxiety medication is taken properly, it helps.That was the beginning, which in my opinion is correct when it comes to drugs ...

After that, everything went to shit ... and that's where the responsibility goes to the psychiatrist, because then she needed to start reducing my medication and directing me through conversation. Did she do that? .. No! I changed completely, I was in a strange state for years, I destroyed myself, the relationship, everything around me. The psychiatrist knew that but she still prescribed me xanax and I didn't know what was happening to me again? Then she closed the office without telling me. I was shocked, she could at least tell me she wouldn't work anymore and recommend someone else. Then my GP started prescribing me xanax. And here I am today, again in a hopeless situation, I am angry, furious, helpless, sad ....

But that doesn’t change the fact that xanax helped me and I would take it again at the beginning of it all. Because medications really help if taken properly.

That's my story ... I know it’s long  post, thanks to everyone who read to the end!..

[[le...]]

This is the thing though. There really are a lot of people who go through some shocking psychological symptoms. I'm showing patience to promote positivity in the face of adversity because I think it helps more than you know. Time is the true healer but that's not something any of us can help each other with. We can help each other develop the best coping strategies. We can also help each other to lay the right foundation so that when our bodies catch up and heal from the drug toxicity, we will be in a position to make the most of it. I know it's lonely and the lack of effective advice might give the impression of it being even more rare than it is. I think the reality is more that there's no good advice to give, it just sucks.

 

I know how it goes because I remember. I had my uncle to help me see the positive side after my whole world came crashing down. I can remember the look of exasperation when he would try to push a positive message and all I could do was ask "what about this and that?", always looking for problems. It's the benzo brain. It's just what happens. But he stuck to his guns and I know that he was getting through even if there was a delayed reaction. I have patience because I know that if I can show that sometimes the "what about...?"'s are not as big a deal as they seem and that there's a positive you missed, then that's going to help you.

 

I also know that this ordeal just plain F-ing sucks, whichever way you slice it. It's bound to get to you sometimes because you're only human, after all. It might look like I don't care at times because I don't tend to focus on this part of the issue. It's not that I don't care or I don't get it, it's just that other people are better than me at consoling others in this way. I let them do that and put my main focus on helping with practicalities and mindset because that's what I'm good at. I've had a lifetime of practice due to disability in my immediate family.

 

I know that people sometimes find me irritating, especially when I seem to be giving repetitive advice. It might sometimes look like I'm being unrealistic, overly simplistic and because of this it comes across as insensitive at times. I'm working on that, trying not to get sucked in too much and let my competitive side take over. In my defence, I aim to show people when and how to apply mindful strategies, rather than just telling people that it's a good idea. A lot of my advice looks similar as a result but that's partly what I'm trying to get across. People start to get it when they see how it can be applied in different settings. Maybe you don't realise it but I see you applying mindful principles and I strongly believe that must be helping you by some amount. Something is sinking in even if you don't feel it and you deserve credit for trying your best. I promise you that the effort you put in is not for nothing. You are doing great, leann.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't find you irritating know you're trying to help. I think if you can do the whole mindfulness thing a positive attitude can help with physical symptoms, it helped me when I had broken wrist and was in severe pain. Working through the physio I kept thinking this is helping me recover. But lot more difficult to put into practice with mental symptoms, when your brain feels as if it's totally beyond your control. Maybe if I'd had a window could cope a bit better. lockdowns  haven't helped as undoubtably being able to socialise with family & friends definitely helped me cope. Not much can do about that at moment.😊

[[Ch...]]

I’m so glad this thread exists. My withdrawal has come with major life changes [divorce, country move, can’t work]. I’m very identified with my intelligence and creativity and both of these have been shaky as a result of benzos.

 

Now that the deepest depression is turning more into bluntedness, I’m at least able to start asking myself what I want to manifest in this life. I’m taking a screenwriting class on zoom. Not feeling sense of enjoyment, but this is the most motivated I’ve felt in a year.

[[...]]

I’m so glad this thread exists. My withdrawal has come with major life changes [divorce, country move, can’t work]. I’m very identified with my intelligence and creativity and both of these have been shaky as a result of benzos.

 

Now that the deepest depression is turning more into bluntedness, I’m at least able to start asking myself what I want to manifest in this life. I’m taking a screenwriting class on zoom. Not feeling sense of enjoyment, but this is the most motivated I’ve felt in a year.

 

Waw! That's most interesting, CharlieWaltz, a screenwriting class! Good on you for just doing it, whatever the enjoyment feels like - or doesn't feel like. Before I was drugged, intelligence, creativity and passion were how I identified myself. Dancing, music, lots of stage... in post-wd, I needed something to do to keep busy and even though I didn't feel enjoyment or actually motivation in the normal sense of the word, I started taking LOTS of acting classes, which is something I had never taken the time to do. Lots and lots of creative arts again, which led to making friends and starting my own creative writing workshops. I'm still not feeling enjoyment or anything  very 'normal' still, but I always told myself that tapping into that creative field was the 'safest bet' in terms of something that would start resonating with me someday, a path I will be glad to have chosen in spite of the 'fog'  Much more than if I had signed up for football 

 

I'd be most interested to know more about how your screenwriting is going! Always 'happy' to chat about anything creative 

 

Julz

[[Be...]]

I’d like to start a support group for those who lost their identity due to benzos and wd.

 

I have been on benzos since I was a teen. I’m now 28 and have no idea who I am...

 

Well, from reading your posts and your aweful history of prescribed medication use, and being robbed off much of your youth by meds, it's no wonder you don't know who you are now! During those formative years when teens and young adults find their identity, when their brains are most active, you were denied that process by psych meds.

 

You are still a young adult, and I do believe that as you continue to heal, in time you will find your identity. I can tell you from my observations of your posts that you are very courageous; you have to be to get through those years post C/T, and you are still here. You didn't end your life, you didn't go back on meds, you struggled and waited, you held a job, had a baby. You're a fighter, a survivor.

 

So when you find that identity, it will be a strong, courageous, young woman, with the ability to fight through the most difficult situations and survive them. Who is that young woman? Eventually you will find her within yourself as you keep getting better. Maybe it will come to you gradually, maybe  (I hope) it will be a sudden realization. "I know who I am" will be an enlightenment, a new reality; because your identity was lost, and now it's been found. 

[[Ch...]]

I’m so glad this thread exists. My withdrawal has come with major life changes [divorce, country move, can’t work]. I’m very identified with my intelligence and creativity and both of these have been shaky as a result of benzos.

 

Now that the deepest depression is turning more into bluntedness, I’m at least able to start asking myself what I want to manifest in this life. I’m taking a screenwriting class on zoom. Not feeling sense of enjoyment, but this is the most motivated I’ve felt in a year.

 

Waw! That's most interesting, CharlieWaltz, a screenwriting class! Good on you for just doing it, whatever the enjoyment feels like - or doesn't feel like. Before I was drugged, intelligence, creativity and passion were how I identified myself. Dancing, music, lots of stage... in post-wd, I needed something to do to keep busy and even though I didn't feel enjoyment or actually motivation in the normal sense of the word, I started taking LOTS of acting classes, which is something I had never taken the time to do. Lots and lots of creative arts again, which led to making friends and starting my own creative writing workshops. I'm still not feeling enjoyment or anything  very 'normal' still, but I always told myself that tapping into that creative field was the 'safest bet' in terms of something that would start resonating with me someday, a path I will be glad to have chosen in spite of the 'fog'  Much more than if I had signed up for football 

 

I'd be most interested to know more about how your screenwriting is going! Always 'happy' to chat about anything creative 

 

Julz

 

Wow, it’s validating to hear that someone else is also exploring and manifesting their creativity, even when enjoyment and motivation aren’t necessarily present. And I’m always happy to chat about creativity, too!

 

It’s strange because writing has been on the back-burner most of my life, even though it’s the labor I most enjoy. But after going to some serious perdition in the past year with wd, several things changed. I realized I had zero motivation for work that didn’t feel meaningful. Like, I was so depressed, anxious and cognitively shut-down that I could not pull the wherewithal together to do, say, commercial writing. And then I’ve had the problem of what to do with my days. I consume a lot of media, but it’s not satisfying over the long term. Especially when I’m locked down and my psychological symptoms are still pretty sucky. And the final piece was just existential - I really thought I couldn’t make it and was sad I hadn’t pursued what I care about. So, still feeling depressed and not cognitively 100%, I started the class. It’s a 100 pages in 100 days workshop and I’m writing about an actor who resisted the Nazi propaganda machine in the 1930s. Even if I feel bad, it is nice to feel like I’m doing something relevant.

 

What kind of writing do you do?

[[di...]]

Me too Charlie. I just bought a vintage portable typewriter because I dared to believe that I might be able to write something worthwhile. I know that I'm at least going to enjoy trying.

 

Glad you found something to get into. Many people would find it a struggle in withdrawal so don't worry if it gets on top of you at times. If it feels right and you can handle a certain amount of stress that goes with it, that sounds great!

[[Mi...]]

Awesome. Love the replies about the arts like dance, screenplay, and creative writing!

[[...]]

In my creative writing workshops, we write for 20 minutes at a time. I give the group prompts I will have prepared beforehand, one that will focus more on form and the other more on content and imagination. There is no right or wrong in writing, it is all about kickstarting inspiration and often times people surprize themselves! I also write and at the end of the allotted time, we read what we've written and share our thoughts.

In terms of 'what type of writing I do', well, it really depends! I have no fixed project like book or topic of focus, I really let out whatever wants to come out on the day, on the moment.

Prompts can be anything! An image, a word... or multiple random words to use in your writing. A sound, an imposed rhyme... I've been leading such workshops for nearly 2 years and I keep coming up with new writing prompts every week!

So when stuck on your project, why not give this kind of writing a go? You never know where it might take you... give you ideas for the script you were stuck upon!