Who am I now? Identity group

[[di...]]

I like your attitude. I think it's how slow the process is that I'm not enjoying. I've got enough decent friends that I've lost regular contact with but they're not strangers to me. It's not weird for me to say hello, how are ya, and update them about my improved health. I've been going through this a while so they all know the background if not the finer details. If it wasn't for lockdown, I'd have seen some of these in groups. I won't feel this same urge to explain and convince if I know that it's obvious that I'm back to normal. Because then it doesn't require much of an explanation and I assume that anybody who can't see that it means the medications were no good for me isn't ever likely to get it. So I've got this thing of not wanting to spam all my friends at once because I can't stand to have several conversations at once if everyone gets back to me. Then it's trying to guess who's most likely to want someone fresh to talk to out of the people who I'd want to talk to. I get a bit bogged down with that before I shake myself up and do eenymeanymineymoe (then change from what it lands on to what I didn't realise I preferred) to make a choice.

 

When I reconnect, it always seems to happen that there's some comment that betrays a misunderstanding of some aspect of my situation and I have to try at least once to explain how it really is. I've got a couple of friends who can't understand everything I say but they "get it". They get it because I explained it to them and they listened. They get it enough for me to be very glad I did it. I don't have any friends who I wouldn't give this benefit of the doubt to. I can deal with the knock if we still don't understand each other or the other person as a lot going on (some new families in my friend group) and doesn't want to talk more than just the odd message. That's all good. It's just fiddly and I'm impatient. I find it tiring and I get discouraged. It's a good thing to keep returning to though, even if it frustrates me. Because what happens when you reach out is that you might start hearing more from people weeks/months down the line. I'm kinda just letting people know that I'm back in the land of the living and naturally, it's a bit awkward. It's all very stimulating because I love people and I've missed having interesting conversations.

 

As long as my mood's alright and I am channelling excessive energy in a healthy way then getting adequate rest especially and self-care, then I just keep following my instinct to push a little more continuously. I'm full of words but it's alright.

 

Thanks for the advice, it was helpful even though we mostly agree. There's plenty that worries me but I'm not in the market for collecting any more. The worries I have are fundamental. I should be worried about them but not constantly or debilitatingly. I've got my worries in perspective, I think. I've always been able to avoid too much worrying until the benzo thing. Now I'm back to that normality, which I am grateful for. I don't worry but I do spend a lot of time thinking about the most optimal thing to do. It doesn't feel like the same thing.

[[di...]]

I have gotten a self help audiobook, that I am trying to work through. I honestly, could never really use the wisdom in most of these books, while on benzos.  Does anyone else feel like that while on benzos, they lost their internal monologue?  I feel like I have just gained that back, and the ability to hear my thoughts.  Though I still find it very challenging to think or concentrate with a lot of noise going on.  Quiet spots and headphones are my friends.

My problem was more that it turned to a dialogue or something even more confusing at times. I did experience a slowness of thought at one time, so I can kind of tell what you're saying. But it didn't last long and in a way it felt like a break so I didn't experience it in the same way as you. What's happening for me is my memory is so much improved that not only do I not stumble on the easy details like before, I can easily recall small details that aren't necessary but are a bonus. I used to get so overloaded that it jammed me up and then I couldn't keep my train of thought. The little details come so easily that I can actually formulate complex ideas in a sentence without losing track of the conversation, and I can understand what the other person is saying without a lag, so it's all much more fluid.

 

Agree it's still a challenge but how much easier is it to think than on the benzo?? I knew it wasn't great at the time but I didn't realise how much I'd deteriorated.

[[La...]]

Yes getting people to understand what we're going through is tough. Even though they say they get it, I'm aware that there's no way that they do unless they've had the experience. But I understand their meaning of "I get it." They're simply acknowledging that I'm not in my normal healthy state because of a medication. I really appreciate that acknowledgement. I'm sure you do as well, Diaz. I've told the people around me that my condition is not an excuse...it's a reason! There's a big difference between the two. I honestly think, Diaz, that if you let go of expectations of how others will respond, you'll be less frustrated. They're ignorant of experiencing benzos. That's not an excuse for them but it's a reason.  You know you don't have to explain yourself over and over to them. I keep conversations like that brief. The conversations I'm referring to are the ones that could cause me stress. Mine are filled with as much positivity as possible. For example: how are you? How's the family? What plans do you have? Saw any good movies or read anything interesting? That way both parties leave with on a pleasant note. That will take away the awkwardness of seeing them again. Also I've offered my condition at the beginning of the conversation to inform them that I'm not well and having some trouble thinking. So whoever I'm talking to is aware and won't form their own opinion in a negative way when it doesn't go so well. I'm not good at talking when I have a terrible headache. I'm even irritable from the pain. I let EVERYONE around me know I have a headache so if I'm a bit harsh please excuse me. Also on those days, knowing I'm not in a good state, I try not to have any conversations period. I feel that at this point, you can just relax and enjoy your conversations. If they become too hostile, you can always choose to change the subject politely.

I'm not enjoying the slowness of the process either. But, there's nothing I can do about it. So I choose not to focus on how slow it is. That'll just make it worse by inflicting unnecessary stress on myself. Instead I focus on what I can do that's positive for myself each day. I do a lot of self care, self soothing and pampering. I reward myself each day with a positive pep talk. " you had a wave today but you pushed through and still went for a walk. Great job, girl!" Things like that. You know, Diaz, I discovered early on that if I focus on my terrible symptoms they make me worse. I even gave my symptoms names to make fun of them. I call my dizzy boatiness Jack Sparrow because he's a drunken pirate.  I call my push pulling Captain Davy Jones  In other words I'm making the best of things even though they're unpleasant. Please feel free to chat with me anytime. I'm really enjoying our conversations. You're a wise man. Well spoken. Do you read a lot? What's your zodiac sign?

[[di...]]

I really don't have large expectations of people. I do have to remind myself how little I knew about anything just a few long years ago. I have to remind myself how I learned some of my lessons and reflect that nobody could have taught me these things. My problem is more getting caught up in the moment. I'm talking to friends so I want to strike a balance. I want to have a natural, flowing conversation and not be too self conscious. I miss that. But in the process, I can definitely "go off on one" before I catch myself. The pattern is probably that I think I can explain something briefly in a way that most people understand... but it turns out not to be true for the person I am talking to, so I start to explain in more depth and before I know it, I've lost my audience. I don't think I'm going too long these days before I realise I got lost in the moment. That's good. I accept it all as inevitable and generally I'm not having emotionally charged conversations. I'm having mature conversations like this one that sometimes go into the deep stuff, but that's me and it's my better friends too. We used to put the world to rites with beer and occasionally ecstasy. I like to talk about sport, music, culture more generally. Often with nerdy intensity but it's fun for all involved.

 

LadyDen, I think you're just catching me at a very creative moment in my life. I try to make the most of the "opportunities" this withdrawal gives. I have been raised to put the rational mind on a pedestal but have finally embraced that the numinous also has a place. I have been experiencing something called synchronicity which is hard to pin down by definition but there are some choice quotes from the inventor of the term, Carl Jung... here. Basically, it means when phenomena from the outside world seem to correspond with what is going off in your head, even though there is no causal relationship. For example, just last week I was watching some crows while I was looking after my sister's dog. He was sniffing around the back yard and I'm watching the birds and the crows in particular because they're interesting due to their intelligence. On NYE I pulled up that website and the first quote references a crow. Then on New Years Day in the morning, I go to my window and see a fairly large bird that looks like it might be a crow flying away to my right. I don't get that good a look but "crow" came to mind given the recent experiences. I'm about to turn away from my window when I notice what is unmistakably a crow sitting in the apple tree in the garden that backs onto the back of my house. After about 10 seconds, it swoops right towards me then directly over the flat roof above me. So for the last few days, it's just been a load of coincidences surrounding crows/birds as well as a few other themes.

 

Yesterday, I was thinking to myself about all this while I was doing some artwork in MS Paint (which I don't normally do) to sort of represent these synchronicities that I'm talking about. I felt creative like this during my taper but I was an absolute hot mess. This is different. I feel very much in control of how I channel things. Raw, but in control enough. It's not like this all the time and that's a good thing because it gets a bit much. I am so grateful to be so sensitive and attentive to the beauty in life but I'm at the same time sensitive to the more jarring aspects of society and culture. "A bit much" is what I tell people but at the same time, I'm grateful for the euphoric moments. All I'm really saying is that I know by now that I have to watch that I don't get carried away. That's the hard part that the normals can't quite get. It takes a lot of focus to be so sensitive in feeling and voluminous in thought and navigate through life without getting derailed. Just because some of the extremes are in positive emotions doesn't make it less so. What prompted me to do the artwork was when my mind went to a snippet of a Tom Waits song. I have become aware of why the mind wanders where it wanders, so I knew this snippet was in my head not just because it has crows but because it has a "murder of silhouette crows", and weirdly I'd heard both "murder" and "silhouette" used in incongruously in a sentence. So out popped this song. This was daydreaming stuff but I was jolted because at the instant the word "crow" played in my head, a fairly large bird shot across my window appearing just for a split second. I went to take a look but it seemed to be gone. Recall that the first thing I saw on New Years Day was a bird that I thought was probably a crow that was out of sight before I knew for sure. I'm lucky I found that such a preeminent psychologist and thinker as Carl Jung was describing exactly what I was experiencing and lucky that I know it's the same thing. He's well respected for much of his body of work but plenty dismiss him as a quack for delving into the numinous. But this man was brilliant and at least right now I can empathise. Because I'm an analyst by nature and have a strong relationship with the rational built on a decent understanding of probability and statistics. Yet, all of this stuff is happening that doesn't seem to be well explained by known laws of cause and effect. It's not scientific but it doesn't mean it's not happening.

 

I wrote a lot of stuff down when I was a little more out there than this. I can remember a lot of what went through my head and some of it was profound. Much of it was extremely confused but definitely some truffles in the muck. I've been listening to lectures by Alan Watts. I didn't know who he was, how influential he was, anything like that. No context. I just clicked a recommendation on YouTube because the title sounded like it would appeal. He was famous for popularising Zen Buddhism is the counter culture. That might be a slightly too crude description but I still don't know a lot about the man, just scanned his wikipedia page one time. I nod along to it because it's what I figured out for myself. Then I get a bit uncomfortable because I want to share the experience but I know how it sounds to basically imply that I derived some Buddhist teachings seemingly for myself. I don't want people to think that I'm saying something more than what I mean.

 

I read a lot of mature literary fiction between 15-21 I would says. 16, 17 and 18 especially, just devouring the classics. Love Catcher in the Rye. I lost my way, which I now realise to be largely lifestyle related. Not drinking more than most of my peers but still drinking too much and not always looking after myself in other ways. No wonder I lost the motivation to read, I couldn't focus right. I wasn't at all aware that this is why I stopped enjoying reading, didn't make the link even though it's really obvious to me now. I naturally have always leaned towards "cultured" pursuits. I try not to be too much of a snob, although I do think that the baser elements in culture have a mind-rotting effect. I don't judge people harshly but I can see when something's not good. The best way I can put it is that I like culture that has heart and soul. I am sceptical about the artistic merit of much of pop music but I accept that some people just like to hear a catchy tune.

 

My zodiac sign is Aries. If you'd have asked me that just 6 months ago, I'd have thought less of your intellect. Now I'm interested in why you ask. Because despite the story I've told you and how it's even more elaborate with more elements than I explained. How it's even more synchronistic than I conveyed to you and how I've had a lot of this over the past couple of years. Only recently have a dared to try and find more context for my experiences. I read a little on synchronicity when I was a mess, just enough to reassure myself, but I couldn't really take things in properly. I just got the gist and that was enough. I was able to avoid things for a while and I started to experience life in a more normal way. It was reassuringly dull for a few months. Now I'm just trying to experience it in a healthy way. I'm exposing myself to more things which stimulates this sort of activity, so I'm writing about it, doing some fairly crude artwork (I'm happy with it though), making sure I do get a break from it too and definitely doing my breathwork. It's going better than alright. I told myself to be careful because I did become manic and that got me into trouble in the past. But I really am nowhere near that state of mind and I'm not under the same stress either.

 

I don't know how this reads exactly, whether it's too much, whatever. For better or for worse, I'm seeing the world in a unique way, at least for Western culture. I think I'm easily seeing things that others can't see but it comes with baggage. I'm only mid thirties so it's exciting to think where I might be in a short while, although I don't have the steps mapped out necessarily. But I think I know how to approach life so that good things will happen. That's what I'm taking from the way I'm viewing the world right now: reassurance. It's more than alright to be uncertain of the future; it's mandatory! If you take your future for granted, bad things can happen. I'm alright with the uncertainty. I came to terms with it. I can't tell you exactly why it feels reassuring because that level of detail would make this a novel rather than an essay.

 

You're right that I shouldn't expect too much of people. I think I might be able to catch myself before getting lost in the moment rather than snapping out of it. I know that I've thought things through more than most and I need to account for that. I wouldn't be who I am if I was naturally patient though . Still, I do like to teach and to get through to people requires patience, so I do have it in me to put on that persona. I also agree that my recovery is for me and that others will be resistant to change even if it's good for them and all that. I think I have my priorities straight as far as that goes. At the same time, I need to be myself and that in itself seems to put a spotlight on me. So I tell people about some of the stuff that I believe but not so much the numinous stuff because even I'm slightly judgemental of it so I expect nothing good to come from sharing at least for now. Usually trying to explain rather than convert but that doesn't stop the defences being raised. A lot of the time these arguments are analogous to fat people trying to make a rational argument for eating lots of sugar if I was to share that I don't. Really they just want to eat lots of sugar despite the consequences but something prevents them from characterising it this way. Probably they know a bunch of people who have a worse problem which skews their perspective. It's the same when you tell people about any improvements you may have made. If they're in denial about their own faults, it can be really uncomfortable. They might be too distracted to understand what you're saying and be happy for you.

 

Words, words, words. Thanks again LadyDen for being so encouraging. It's important that I find outlets to express how I'm seeing the world otherwise the weirdness spills out in situations where I'd prefer to keep it straight. There's a world going on inside my head which I can keep well contained at the right times. I can do a good impression of a normal person, maybe too good. I'm glad if somebody can get something from these writings. I think I'm going to get an old typewriter soon so maybe that'll be an outlet I use more.

[[La...]]

Well that was interesting and a mouthful, Diaz. I had a feeling that you were an Aries. The reason I asked your sign is because of the personality that was coming through in your writings. I'm a Virgo. And you're correct that most people will frown at zodiac signs. I'm glad you've come to know some of the value of them. People born during certain times of the month do share common basic traits. And certain traits in personalities do clash with certain other traits. As well as are compatible with certain traits. I know those statements can be argued but I know what I know. Seeing you're an Aires, let me say that I know you're a passionate motivated leader with relentless determination. Also you're direct but cheerful in your approach with others but you often become frustrated by exhaustive details especially if the other party doesn't get what you're saying or dismiss it as unimportant. You have a need for challenges and a thirst for intelligence. But when trying to satisfy this need, you easily become impatient which alters your mood and leaves you vulnerable to lose your temper rather quickly. Perhaps you can use this information I'm giving you to help you become more tuned within and approach others differently. According to your sign, when you have something to say you say it without hesitation. Depending on who you're in company with, this can turn them off or it could help calm things if done carefully. So you're right to be cautious when speaking to others. If you don't mind me saying this....less is sometimes more. 

I try to be careful not to verbally overwhelm whoever I'm talking to. Because the result will be that I will lose my audience and not get my intended point across. We have 2 ears and 1 mouth. I think it's wise for me to do more listening than talking especially in certain tense subjects. I see that you're becoming more aware of the world around you. That's wonderful! But may I give you a bit of advice? Be still and just observe it. Let it speak to you then as you said get a typewriter or use the computer to jot down your insights. You must give yourself a way to convey your inner thoughts. Writing is perfect for this. Even when I'm writing, I'm careful not to overthink things. There's a message in all things. Those crows weren't a coincidence. Let me ask you, my friend, have you looked up the definition of crow? Trust me, it has more than one definition other than being a black bird. Ruminate on the definition of it and I bet you'll get a message from it. This happens to me all the time. Something is no longer strange once you come to know what it is. I hope I'm not coming across as telling you what to do. That's not my intention. My intention is to offer you a way to channel all you're coming to know into something more greater. Being a Virgo, I'm naturally helpful. Sometimes I extend myself to help but it's unwanted. So at any time you feel I'm too helpful please let me know.

You said I was catching you at a creative point in your life. This is a good thing to be creative. Maybe you should write a book? By the way I'm naturally artistic. I draw, paint, design, etc I love anything that has to do with art or creativity. I'm at my happiest when art is involved. I also write poetry, songs, plays and short stories. Have you ever considered writing poetry?

[[di...]]

Thanks so much for reading and providing extremely individualised advice. It really spoke to me. I want to reassure you that I have the ability to keep it brief and the discernment to know when it's absolutely necessary. As soon as you asked me my zodiac sign and given that we seem to understand each other, I was pretty sure that this was my moment to share to a higher level of detail. So I mostly just let it flow without deliberation. I've had words flowing out of me for the past short while. That was the culmination. I guess I was looking for that moment. I hope it didn't take too much out of you to read it. I suspect that you quite enjoy getting deep into things sometimes but it was a bit of an effort in your current condition. I really appreciate you making that effort. I understand that it wasn't the best format but I literally don't know how to talk about this. So I figured just puke it out because I was almost certain that you'd get enough to have something useful to say in response.

 

The urge to write so much has diminished significantly. That stuff needed to come out. I would have bought a typewriter a while ago but I want to smuggle it in because I can't stand to share with my parents why I might get a typewriter. I don't want to talk about it with them, especially my dad. I'm going to figure this task out of smuggling a typewriter into my room. It's a healthy distraction. If it seems too fiddly, I'm going to man up and just order one. I might get lucky and have it delivered when nobody is around.

 

The "horoscope" you gave me is pretty accurate. I don't think it's accurate for everybody, which makes it a little more impressive. The advice you gave off the back of it is something I have understood for a number of years. It's a constant work in progress. I'm naturally open and especially so with all the excitatory nerve activity going on given my condition. But I'm learning that often the more I say, the more there is that can be misconstrued. Some people I know are more concerned with scanning for things to disagree with in a conversation rather than seeking common ground. I have become wise to this when previously I have given people too much credit. Some people are just like that all the time and I have their card marked. If they change, I'll change my stance. I know how to not make myself vulnerable to this people and I even have some strategies to divert people who constantly focus on the negative. I never had too many qualms that I was doing the right thing because it's working really well, but it's still great to be validated. Thank you.

 

So I already got the message, I think. I left that part out. I've talked a little about this to one other person, someone who is an octogenarian but not for much longer. I did verbally overwhelm him a little but he is a skilled hypnotherapist ("hypnoanalyst" is what he calls himself and I don't doubt him) so he was able to slow me down a bit. He helped me out a bit more than a year ago and it was overdue for me to say thanks and tell him where I was at. Also to see how he's doing. It was way overdue but I didn't really know what to say before now. Anyway... he said the same as you which is don't struggle. Just let it happen. More broadly, I see the message as something like "stick to the right path and you'll be alright". I feel a lot more able to do that now that I have proven that I don't have to look away from the world to stay sane. Better than that, I can examine it in detail and still be alright. I needed to delve into it to remove the fear that I'm anywhere near psychosis. I needed a level of understanding so that I could just let it happen. Thanks again for helping me with that. You're really skilled at picking out the important bits.

 

So... what do you think about the number 8? It's not the only number that has jumped out at me. I have seen plenty of the number 4 and when I see the number 8, I've seen 25 alongside it and sometimes 30 too. Other stuff too but more tenuously. The numbers I have shared with you, I can think of multiple occasions they have cropped up in the past few weeks and especially since the start of the new year. And how the number 8 is heavily associated with the crow in the experiences I have had. I've had a few experiences that link them. I did have a look into the crow thing but not the number 8. I'm wary of overloading myself. So maybe you have something to say about it but maybe not... there's no pressure. I don't want you to feel that because I wrote all that to you, that I see you as a lifeline to understanding this stuff. I'm doing fine, just saw an opportunity to discuss this with somebody who I trust to give good pointers.

 

My dad's a virgo but nothing like you in behaviour. I have always thought that he represses his true nature, so maybe that's it. Anyway, in the spirit of being brief, I want to wrap up by asking how you're doing? I can tell that you're in your element helping others so I hope that offsets the exhaustive nature of the conversation. For somebody posting in a thread about "Who am I now?", you seem to have a pretty solid foundation. I guess it's just a little complicated. Take care and thanks again.

[Guest [pa...]]

I am on the opposite end of this spectrum and am hoping someone can relate. I was on benzos for 8 months. Prior to that, I didn't take any type of AD or benzos. After this ordeal, I feel like I have completely lost myself. My identity is gone and there is always this feeling of my soul having been plucked out.

This is exactly how I feel. Losing soul is an apt metaphor.

[[...]]

I think I'll stay on xanax, I can't do this ... no way. After reading all the horror stories and symptoms, I give up.

I haven't slept since I read everything, anxiety is overvelming,constant fear ...

Since I have a phobia of bacteria, the very thought that I can't take a bath every day (I know that doesn't apply to everyone) terrifies me! ...

I don't know where you all got the strength for all this?I can't.

Now I am also afraid that one day the doctor will stop prescribing me medicine,I am so mentally ill,that I think I'll go to hospital(psychiatry).

I simply do not see a way out of this fear.

[[...]]

I think I'll stay on xanax, I can't do this ... no way. After reading all the horror stories and symptoms, I give up.

I haven't slept since I read everything, anxiety is overvelming,constant fear ...

Since I have a phobia of bacteria, the very thought that I can't take a bath every day (I know that doesn't apply to everyone) terrifies me! ...

I don't know where you all got the strength for all this?I can't.

Now I am also afraid that one day the doctor will stop prescribing me medicine,I am so mentally ill, that I think I'll go to hospital(psychiatry).

I simply do not see a way out of this fear.

 

Dear Ani,

 

Please don't base any decision upon fear, and especially fear that comes from reading all the 'horror stories' around here. BBs can be a very dark place indeed... and you must remember that it is highly unlikely to be representative of the 'general population' of people who taper off benzos and other psych drugs. The people who write here are the people who do because they need to, not the ones who taper easily and are keeping busy with their 'real lives' with little worry of symptoms. There are plenty of them!

 

Another thing you want to keep in mind is that your taper off medication, if you so choose to do, is totally customizable to YOU. The method you decide upon, the speed you want... as slow as you want. And I'd say the slower, the better... Yes, plenty horror stories with CTs and rapid-tapers off medication... but with methods such as microtapers you can really control things to a very slow pace, giving your body as much time as you feel you need to gently heal as you go down the way. Can you be totally symptom-free on a taper? I guess so!

 

See, I was on 4 different drugs and ended coming off too fast... BUT I started tapering off my initial FOUR milligrams of klonopin. I started with a dry 'cut and hold', and did get some unpleasant sleep symptoms about 2 or 3 days after every cut, which always resolves within the next few days usually. Still, I really hated that symptom, so I switched to a micro-taper, and, quite honestly, my symptoms were very mild. None of those horror-story symptoms. No fear, no akathisia, no DP/DR... no anxiety! I was very much the same I had been all these years on the drug - which, for me, meant fatigued, disconnected and apathetic. In my opinion, that was me on the drugs, and not the effects of the taper itself.

 

So don't let the horror stories decide upon your fate, Ani. That doesn't have to be you. You are more in control than you believe you are. But of course, it is all your decision, and entirely up to you what you choose to do.

 

I wish you all the best,

Julz

 

PS: Since day one, there hasn't been one day I wasn't able to take a shower or get out of my home, at least for some fresh air, which are two things I NEED otherwise I feel I'd go insane too... 

[[di...]]

I think I'll stay on xanax, I can't do this ... no way. After reading all the horror stories and symptoms, I give up.

I haven't slept since I read everything, anxiety is overvelming,constant fear ...

Since I have a phobia of bacteria, the very thought that I can't take a bath every day (I know that doesn't apply to everyone) terrifies me! ...

I don't know where you all got the strength for all this?I can't.

Now I am also afraid that one day the doctor will stop prescribing me medicine,I am so mentally ill,that I think I'll go to hospital(psychiatry).

I simply do not see a way out of this fear.

Please try to understand what you're reading. You're reading stories from people who have had some of the more extreme journey. It's easy to get the impression that it's common for benzo withdrawal but it's not. It's even less common if you reduce cautiously. I sometimes tell stories about my dark days. I tell them not to frighten people but to help them understand that we can go to some extreme depths of confusion and despair and still come out alright.

 

It sounds like you might not be ready to start tapering but you could prepare yourself by sticking around the forum to get a more balanced view of what coming off a benzo is like. Not everybody has a harrowing experience and many of the worst stories come from people who will admit that they could have been avoided by reducing more cautiously. Certainly in my case, the darker days could have been avoided with more sensible reductions. I dived in way too quickly, didn't do my homework about tapering. Once I got it under control, it wasn't that bad.

[[...]]

I think I'll stay on xanax, I can't do this ... no way. After reading all the horror stories and symptoms, I give up.

I haven't slept since I read everything, anxiety is overvelming,constant fear ...

Since I have a phobia of bacteria, the very thought that I can't take a bath every day (I know that doesn't apply to everyone) terrifies me! ...

I don't know where you all got the strength for all this?I can't.

Now I am also afraid that one day the doctor will stop prescribing me medicine,I am so mentally ill,that I think I'll go to hospital(psychiatry).

I simply do not see a way out of this fear.

Please try to understand what you're reading. You're reading stories from people who have had some of the more extreme journey. It's easy to get the impression that it's common for benzo withdrawal but it's not. It's even less common if you reduce cautiously. I sometimes tell stories about my dark days. I tell them not to frighten people but to help them understand that we can go to some extreme depths of confusion and despair and still come out alright.

 

It sounds like you might not be ready to start tapering but you could prepare yourself by sticking around the forum to get a more balanced view of what coming off a benzo is like. Not everybody has a harrowing experience and many of the worst stories come from people who will admit that they could have been avoided by reducing more cautiously. Certainly in my case, the darker days could have been avoided with more sensible reductions. I dived in way too quickly, didn't do my homework about tapering. Once I got it under control, it wasn't that bad.

 

And the same applies to me too. Live and learn... or don't do what I did!!! 

[[di...]]

I fell for the "I feel terrible and I can't take this much longer so I'm going to go faster so it's over soon" mistake. Apparently, lots of people have that idea at some point. I've talked a few people down from making such a rash decision here. When you know beyond a shadow of a doubt how severe the consequences are, it compels you to do your bit. I also remember a good deal about what worked and what didn't to get through this. I know that I can help.

 

That's how it is for me. I'm still at the point where it's helping me so it's not a burden but I can see myself popping back to do a shift for a while to come.

[Guest [pa...]]

I fell for the "I feel terrible and I can't take this much longer so I'm going to go faster so it's over soon" mistake. Apparently, lots of people have that idea at some point. I've talked a few people down from making such a rash decision here. When you know beyond a shadow of a doubt how severe the consequences are, it compels you to do your bit. I also remember a good deal about what worked and what didn't to get through this. I know that I can help.

 

That's how it is for me. I'm still at the point where it's helping me so it's not a burden but I can see myself popping back to do a shift for a while to come.

I know that it was certainly a mistake for me to have not reinstated after my setback, just because I wanted to be done with the drugs already. But, the thing is, ultimately, the more patience you have the faster you'll be drug-free. It's counter-intuitive, but patience is most definitively THE thing here.

[[...]]

I fell for the "I feel terrible and I can't take this much longer so I'm going to go faster so it's over soon" mistake. Apparently, lots of people have that idea at some point. I've talked a few people down from making such a rash decision here. When you know beyond a shadow of a doubt how severe the consequences are, it compels you to do your bit. I also remember a good deal about what worked and what didn't to get through this. I know that I can help.

 

That's how it is for me. I'm still at the point where it's helping me so it's not a burden but I can see myself popping back to do a shift for a while to come.

I know that it was certainly a mistake for me to have not reinstated after my setback, just because I wanted to be done with the drugs already. But, the thing is, ultimately, the more patience you have the faster you'll be drug-free. It's counter-intuitive, but patience is most definitively THE thing here.

 

Diaz, Pacenik, I think that is a key-message

 

Just like you and Diaz, I think my eagerness to 'feel something' (in my mind, by being 'off drugs') got the better of me. After 2.5 years tapering K with minimal symptoms, I just wanted the finish-line to come closer to me. I still had another 2 drugs to get off of, and I thought I couldn't face any more time of this. And so that's is when things started to get ugly... I made it so 

 

It is better to have a life with a taper in it, rather than a taper in which you are desperately trying to put some life into ... Yes, it is possible to be functional while you taper off meds! So why chance losing that?

[Guest [pa...]]

It is better to have a life with a taper in it, rather than a taper in which you are desperately trying to put some life into ... Yes, it is possible to be functional while you taper off meds! So why chance losing that?

I agree completely, my tapers were asymptomatic for the most part, and now I'm a virtual invalid (not nearly as bad as many other people, but still unable to live my life). It was really a mistake on my part to see being on the drug for a while longer as something bad and tragical. There was no need for that. Setbacks happen.

[[...]]

I can relate to this topic. Before I started on xanax I had a successful business. I was always an anxious and fearful person but I was still me. I got a serious autoimmune disease and had a bit of a break down. My psychiatrist put me on 4 mgs of xanax a day. I still don't understand why this was the medicine he thought was best. I somehow reduced it to 2 and a half and stayed on that for 14 years.

 

I definitely lost a lot of my identity. I closed my business and have never worked a full time job again. I stopped painting and doing all of my creative endeavors.

 

At least I have done a bunch of bucket list items. I wrote five novels and I trained as a Reiki practitioner and went to massage school.

 

But...a lot of my identity is gone. I often wonder who I am and where the years have gone? I wonder who I would have been if I had never been prescribed benzos.

 

I try not to dwell on that too much but I feel like I lost a lot of myself along the way. Tapering off of two mgs the last year has been tough and I still have.5 to go but at least there are little glimpses of the real me. More than I have seen in a long time.

[[di...]]

Echoing the call for patience. Absolutely. Patience has to be a conscious endeavour for me because I've got none. I suspect that's the same for many of us, we did all become dependent on pills after all.

 

SRR,

 

I'm happy to hear that you see glimpses of the real you. I first started to say that about myself a little more than a year ago. It was in earnest the start of my recovery. Until then, I was focused almost entirely on getting through each day without any damage.

 

If I may offer something, I would say that it's not healthy to have your identity tied up in your occupation. I know lots of people do it but that's how I know it's not healthy. The people who take this to the extreme are not happy. I know how it is now but in time, I think you might be glad that work was removed as a surrogate. You're not a business owner and you never were because that doesn't have to do with your identity. Your occupation is what you do, not who you are. You're not a novelist or a reiki practitioner either, for the same reason, although I think these pursuits can help a person find their identity. You've been through a lot and you still are going through it, even if you're coping well at the moment. I believe that a stronger sense of identity will emerge when we get the chance to put this recovery journey in the past.

[[...]]

I think I'll stay on xanax, I can't do this ... no way. After reading all the horror stories and symptoms, I give up.

I haven't slept since I read everything, anxiety is overvelming,constant fear ...

Since I have a phobia of bacteria, the very thought that I can't take a bath every day (I know that doesn't apply to everyone) terrifies me! ...

I don't know where you all got the strength for all this?I can't.

Now I am also afraid that one day the doctor will stop prescribing me medicine,I am so mentally ill, that I think I'll go to hospital(psychiatry).

I simply do not see a way out of this fear.

 

Dear Ani,

 

Please don't base any decision upon fear, and especially fear that comes from reading all the 'horror stories' around here. BBs can be a very dark place indeed... and you must remember that it is highly unlikely to be representative of the 'general population' of people who taper off benzos and other psych drugs. The people who write here are the people who do because they need to, not the ones who taper easily and are keeping busy with their 'real lives' with little worry of symptoms. There are plenty of them!

 

Another thing you want to keep in mind is that your taper off medication, if you so choose to do, is totally customizable to YOU. The method you decide upon, the speed you want... as slow as you want. And I'd say the slower, the better... Yes, plenty horror stories with CTs and rapid-tapers off medication... but with methods such as microtapers you can really control things to a very slow pace, giving your body as much time as you feel you need to gently heal as you go down the way. Can you be totally symptom-free on a taper? I guess so!

 

See, I was on 4 different drugs and ended coming off too fast... BUT I started tapering off my initial FOUR milligrams of klonopin. I started with a dry 'cut and hold', and did get some unpleasant sleep symptoms about 2 or 3 days after every cut, which always resolves within the next few days usually. Still, I really hated that symptom, so I switched to a micro-taper, and, quite honestly, my symptoms were very mild. None of those horror-story symptoms. No fear, no akathisia, no DP/DR... no anxiety! I was very much the same I had been all these years on the drug - which, for me, meant fatigued, disconnected and apathetic. In my opinion, that was me on the drugs, and not the effects of the taper itself.

 

So don't let the horror stories decide upon your fate, Ani. That doesn't have to be you. You are more in control than you believe you are. But of course, it is all your decision, and entirely up to you what you choose to do.

 

I wish you all the best,

Julz

 

PS: Since day one, there hasn't been one day I wasn't able to take a shower or get out of my home, at least for some fresh air, which are two things I NEED otherwise I feel I'd go insane too... 

Hey Julz

Thank you so much for your kind words and support, I can't describe how much it means to me! ...

It's amazing that, of all the horrible symptoms, I'm afraid I won't be able to take a shower, funny in some weird way, isn't it? ...

I don't feel well on xanax , that's why I want to stop taking it. To see which problems are from the drug and which aren't ?.

Today I talked to my family, I explained everything to them. They said that they would be with me, that they would do whatever they could to help me. So I have absolute support from them.

So, I have support, knowledge, control in reducing the dose, I have more than most people have. I am grateful for that!

 

PS: you brightened my day when I read that you could take a shower every day😂 ...., thank you !!

There are probably a lot of mistakes in my writing, English is not my native language.

I understand the language 100% (and I speak),but my writing is not perfect.

 

[[...]]

I think I'll stay on xanax, I can't do this ... no way. After reading all the horror stories and symptoms, I give up.

I haven't slept since I read everything, anxiety is overvelming,constant fear ...

Since I have a phobia of bacteria, the very thought that I can't take a bath every day (I know that doesn't apply to everyone) terrifies me! ...

I don't know where you all got the strength for all this?I can't.

Now I am also afraid that one day the doctor will stop prescribing me medicine,I am so mentally ill,that I think I'll go to hospital(psychiatry).

I simply do not see a way out of this fear.

 

Please try to understand what you're reading. You're reading stories from people who have had some of the more extreme journey. It's easy to get the impression that it's common for benzo withdrawal but it's not. It's even less common if you reduce cautiously. I sometimes tell stories about my dark days. I tell them not to frighten people but to help them understand that we can go to some extreme depths of confusion and despair and still come out alright.

 

It sounds like you might not be ready to start tapering but you could prepare yourself by sticking around the forum to get a more balanced view of what coming off a benzo is like. Not everybody has a harrowing experience and many of the worst stories come from people who will admit that they could have been avoided by reducing more cautiously. Certainly in my case, the darker days could have been avoided with more sensible reductions. I dived in way too quickly, didn't do my homework about tapering. Once I got it under control, it wasn't that bad.

You're right, I don't think I'm ready. I will definitely stay here on the forum, especially on this topic.

I will focus on some other, more positive topics.

Thank you for your opinion and support!

[[he...]]

just stick to success stories of people who have shorter terms

[[...]]

I think I'll stay on xanax, I can't do this ... no way. After reading all the horror stories and symptoms, I give up.

I haven't slept since I read everything, anxiety is overvelming,constant fear ...

Since I have a phobia of bacteria, the very thought that I can't take a bath every day (I know that doesn't apply to everyone) terrifies me! ...

I don't know where you all got the strength for all this?I can't.

Now I am also afraid that one day the doctor will stop prescribing me medicine,I am so mentally ill, that I think I'll go to hospital(psychiatry).

I simply do not see a way out of this fear.

 

Dear Ani,

 

Please don't base any decision upon fear, and especially fear that comes from reading all the 'horror stories' around here. BBs can be a very dark place indeed... and you must remember that it is highly unlikely to be representative of the 'general population' of people who taper off benzos and other psych drugs. The people who write here are the people who do because they need to, not the ones who taper easily and are keeping busy with their 'real lives' with little worry of symptoms. There are plenty of them!

 

Another thing you want to keep in mind is that your taper off medication, if you so choose to do, is totally customizable to YOU. The method you decide upon, the speed you want... as slow as you want. And I'd say the slower, the better... Yes, plenty horror stories with CTs and rapid-tapers off medication... but with methods such as microtapers you can really control things to a very slow pace, giving your body as much time as you feel you need to gently heal as you go down the way. Can you be totally symptom-free on a taper? I guess so!

 

See, I was on 4 different drugs and ended coming off too fast... BUT I started tapering off my initial FOUR milligrams of klonopin. I started with a dry 'cut and hold', and did get some unpleasant sleep symptoms about 2 or 3 days after every cut, which always resolves within the next few days usually. Still, I really hated that symptom, so I switched to a micro-taper, and, quite honestly, my symptoms were very mild. None of those horror-story symptoms. No fear, no akathisia, no DP/DR... no anxiety! I was very much the same I had been all these years on the drug - which, for me, meant fatigued, disconnected and apathetic. In my opinion, that was me on the drugs, and not the effects of the taper itself.

 

So don't let the horror stories decide upon your fate, Ani. That doesn't have to be you. You are more in control than you believe you are. But of course, it is all your decision, and entirely up to you what you choose to do.

 

I wish you all the best,

Julz

 

PS: Since day one, there hasn't been one day I wasn't able to take a shower or get out of my home, at least for some fresh air, which are two things I NEED otherwise I feel I'd go insane too... 

Hey Julz

Thank you so much for your kind words and support, I can't describe how much it means to me! ...

It's amazing that, of all the horrible symptoms, I'm afraid I won't be able to take a shower, funny in some weird way, isn't it? ...

I don't feel well on xanax , that's why I want to stop taking it. To see which problems are from the drug and which aren't ?.

Today I talked to my family, I explained everything to them. They said that they would be with me, that they would do whatever they could to help me. So I have absolute support from them.

So, I have support, knowledge, control in reducing the dose, I have more than most people have. I am grateful for that!

 

PS: you brightened my day when I read that you could take a shower every day😂 ...., thank you !!

There are probably a lot of mistakes in my writing, English is not my native language.

I understand the language 100% (and I speak),but my writing is not perfect.

 

Hi Ani! 

 

Oh, I am delighted to read all this! You sound like a very strong and determined person with a bright and positive outlook on things, even hardship. Hey! I know who you remind me of! You sound like me!  No, but seriously, I think those are qualities which will see you find your way through this ordeal 

 

Regarding your showering concerns, well, that has been one of my concerns too. I believe it is more common than you'd think, after all, taking a shower every day is also a way in which we feel 'on top of things', it is basic human 'decency'... for ourselves as well as in society (with regards to family, friends, neighbors or strangers). So no, I am not surprised being able to shower every day has been one of your concerns. We all have daily routines we feel we need to be able to accomplish, daily routines which keep us sane and feeling like human beings. Right now, I am really really really fatigued but even if I am headed to bed for a nap at midday, I'll have my shower in the morning, put some clothes on (even if relaxed, at least I am not in my PJs) and yes, do my hair and make-up!!! Because when I look in the mirror, I need to see someone who takes care of themselves. It's not about being vain, I just need to not look like I am letting go too much. And when I do get out later on, I much much much prefer the image that I believe this sends off to people around me. Even if we are wearing masks and wrapped up in thick jackets with a wollen hat on messing that hair that I've tried to tame earlier that day 

Just to say, it may all sound useless, but if that affects the way you feel about yourself, it may have much more of an impact on how you feel as a whole. And that is important, in the midst of everything going on in withdrawal and the rest of the world.

So back to showering... I couldn't imagine not being able to get washed even for one day!!! No no no. Withdrawal will not stop me from feeling refreshed and clean, and it won't stop you from it either 

 

I don't feel well on xanax , that's why I want to stop taking it. To see which problems are from the drug and which aren't ?.

 

... I could not have said it any better............  It is cazy what these 'meds' do. And the worst thing is... worst thingS ARE... that they work insidiously and gradually by changing you emotionally and physically, their effects don't just begin when you begin the drug, that would be waaaaay too simple and easy for everyone! No, years on, you can start to develop problems and never think to associate them with the drug you've been on for years and years, even if it never seemed to affect you in a bad way. Whether it is bloating and you end up struggling to not pass too much gas out in public  or more 'serious' side-effects... the other thing is that, often times, those meds strip you from being able to think critically about them. Whether that is truly physiological, or that we are then in a paradigm in which we believe to be ill or broken and that 'our meds' are actually helping us function to the extent that we are at this point...

 

I think that your questions will be answered in hindsight... once you are healed and can look back on everything that has happened. At this point, I still have many beliefs about my own journey, and I know that hindsight will shed the light of certainty over things later on. And anyway, what matters now is taking care of ourselves, getting better and better 

 

Today I talked to my family, I explained everything to them. They said that they would be with me, that they would do whatever they could to help me. So I have absolute support from them.

 

Oh, that is fantastic, Ani!!! Don't you feel a million times better after having talked and explained everything to your family? I am so happy that you feel heard and supported, that is just priceless...!  :thumbsup: No wonder you now sound much more confident about things. Yes, having people 'in real life' supporting you is one of the most valuable things in all of this... AFTER your own strength, resilience, resourcefulness of course... because after all, you know it is you who will have to take this journey, but I know that you are aware of that. Way to go, Ani! 

 

So, I have support, knowledge, control in reducing the dose, I have more than most people have. I am grateful for that!

 

Music to my ears 

...and you have OURSELF! A strong positive and resourceful person! And this forum! And probably much more you could list here...  ...and oh, you have your body and brain's ability to heal!!!  :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

To finish off, let me say that I had NO IDEA you weren't a native. Your English sounds perfect to me! Well, I'm a non-native too  I live in France but did learn English when I was tiny because I am half-British Where are you from, if that isn't too indiscreet? (you don't to disclose anything personal around here, ever  )

 

Have a lovely day, Ani, and reach out any time if you want or need to...! 

Julz 

[[di...]]

Ani, you will do well. I think you're scared just the right amount. I wasn't scared enough and that took me to a dark place. I'm still not scared tbh but I wouldn't want anybody to go where I went. It wouldn't be good for everybody!

 

I'm so glad you shared with your family and they were supportive. It counts for a lot. In some ways, it's a simple thing. You need to be mentally prepared before you start and have a plan of action. For most, choosing a reduction of around about 10% is a good starting point. It might be a little too fast for some but not to the point where you lose it completely. The danger from reducing too quickly isn't just the hellish symptoms or even mainly the hellish symptoms. It's the desperation that it brings about. For example, people shift to another medication, such as antipsychotics. It's not quite the same level of tragedy when someone sees the answer in meds and is only stopping the benzo because it doesn't work. I tend to think those people are destined to a life on meds, if it wasn't one thing it would be something else. That makes me sad because it highlights such a dark side of human nature. Sick rich people making money off vulnerable poor people. The real tragedy is when someone has the realisation that it's no life to be on benzos and they really believe in getting off them... Then they get hit with severe withdrawal symptoms because they were so keen and they lose perspective. They create another problem that might take years to tackle, when waiting a month or two will usually be enough to calm down and carry on.

 

The picture I'm painting is that you have a lot going for you compared to some others. I described some of the traps that people fall into because I think you can see that they are easily dodged. It won't be pleasant and sometimes it will probably feel unbearable. But you will be able to bear it and when you get into your journey proper, you will notice aspects of your person that disappeared will start to return. So there are positive moments mixed in with the difficulties. Getting off benzos is the best thing I ever did for myself. I'm a freak so I thought that even with the horrible symptoms, that this is the best thing I have ever done for myself. I definitely feel it now. It is so worth it.

[[...]]

Echoing the call for patience. Absolutely. Patience has to be a conscious endeavour for me because I've got none. I suspect that's the same for many of us, we did all become dependent on pills after all.

 

SRR,

 

I'm happy to hear that you see glimpses of the real you. I first started to say that about myself a little more than a year ago. It was in earnest the start of my recovery. Until then, I was focused almost entirely on getting through each day without any damage.

 

If I may offer something, I would say that it's not healthy to have your identity tied up in your occupation. I know lots of people do it but that's how I know it's not healthy. The people who take this to the extreme are not happy. I know how it is now but in time, I think you might be glad that work was removed as a surrogate. You're not a business owner and you never were because that doesn't have to do with your identity. Your occupation is what you do, not who you are. You're not a novelist or a reiki practitioner either, for the same reason, although I think these pursuits can help a person find their identity. You've been through a lot and you still are going through it, even if you're coping well at the moment. I believe that a stronger sense of identity will emerge when we get the chance to put this recovery journey in the past.

 

Yes, I agree. I try hard not to have my identity tied up in all that but it's hard. I do yoga and meditation to try to find balance but it's still such a sore point with me. I feel like I failed at a fundamental part of life.

[Guest [pa...]]

I think I'll stay on xanax, I can't do this ... no way. After reading all the horror stories and symptoms, I give up.

I haven't slept since I read everything, anxiety is overvelming,constant fear ...

Since I have a phobia of bacteria, the very thought that I can't take a bath every day (I know that doesn't apply to everyone) terrifies me! ...

I don't know where you all got the strength for all this?I can't.

Now I am also afraid that one day the doctor will stop prescribing me medicine,I am so mentally ill,that I think I'll go to hospital(psychiatry).

I simply do not see a way out of this fear.

Ani, I have tapered twice by now. Both times I was asymptomatic (despite tapering pretty fast, cutting 1 mg diazepam per week or two, which is much, much more percentage-wise than the recommended highest rate of 10%), only to screw it up at the end. I'm pretty sure I would've been as asymptomatic as before had I tapered the third time. So, while you should under no circumstances (other than drugs going toxic on you) cold-turkey, there's no reason to fear the tapering. Slow enough taper can be as comfortable as living your life normally. Most people have no problems tapering. Some people do, and those are the horror stories you're seeing.

[[...]]

Ani, you will do well. I think you're scared just the right amount. I wasn't scared enough and that took me to a dark place. I'm still not scared tbh but I wouldn't want anybody to go where I went. It wouldn't be good for everybody!

 

I'm so glad you shared with your family and they were supportive. It counts for a lot. In some ways, it's a simple thing. You need to be mentally prepared before you start and have a plan of action. For most, choosing a reduction of around about 10% is a good starting point. It might be a little too fast for some but not to the point where you lose it completely. The danger from reducing too quickly isn't just the hellish symptoms or even mainly the hellish symptoms. It's the desperation that it brings about. For example, people shift to another medication, such as antipsychotics. It's not quite the same level of tragedy when someone sees the answer in meds and is only stopping the benzo because it doesn't work. I tend to think those people are destined to a life on meds, if it wasn't one thing it would be something else. That makes me sad because it highlights such a dark side of human nature. Sick rich people making money off vulnerable poor people. The real tragedy is when someone has the realisation that it's no life to be on benzos and they really believe in getting off them... Then they get hit with severe withdrawal symptoms because they were so keen and they lose perspective. They create another problem that might take years to tackle, when waiting a month or two will usually be enough to calm down and carry on.

 

The picture I'm painting is that you have a lot going for you compared to some others. I described some of the traps that people fall into because I think you can see that they are easily dodged. It won't be pleasant and sometimes it will probably feel unbearable. But you will be able to bear it and when you get into your journey proper, you will notice aspects of your person that disappeared will start to return. So there are positive moments mixed in with the difficulties. Getting off benzos is the best thing I ever did for myself. I'm a freak so I thought that even with the horrible symptoms, that this is the best thing I have ever done for myself. I definitely feel it now. It is so worth it.

Just when I thought I was “ready,” I come across the topic of medications that can’t be taken, people become hypersensitive to them.

Like antibiotics, painkillers ...

Since I have chronic inflammation of the bladder (I have taken about 10 different antibiotics in the last 5 years), and I will definitely have to take more since the bacterium (e coli) is persistent, it has even become resistant to most antibiotics.

When I asked the doctor what I would do when I took all the antibiotics on the list, when e coli  became resistant to all antibiotics, then what,I will die?

And she answered me-yes ... I really don't know what to do?I can't afford not to be able to take an antibiotic given the situation.

I also have problems with my spine, when I am in a lot of pain I have to go to the hospital for injections, take strong painkillers. I will have to have surgery one day.

I don't know, I'm trying to think sensibly and calmly about the whole situation and what would be the smartest thing to do? ..

 It seems to me that it would really be better to stay on xanax, right?

I really don’t want to bother you with my health issues, and I know the decision is up to me in the end.