I don't take relapse seriously

[[Ju...]]

I'm hoping I'm not the only one, but I have never taken relapse seriously. That's part of having a mental health condition. Dual diagnosis. That's why I had so many problems in life. Every time that I have gotten out of detox, I have just decided to get effed up. I mean, you only get one life. I've always wanted to be oh, what I consider when I'm taking pills, normal. Just like everybody else, that doesn't need meds. I've never gotten all the way through withdrawal so I don't know if it's possible or not. And every time I go through withdrawal, I sit here and laugh about everything in life and I don't take it seriously. With that attitude, I'm never going to get off of these pills. Does anybody else have that problem, and how long can you go on being serious? I'm sure there has to be other people that have the mindset that I do, because we were all taking the same drugs. Do you ever just sit back and think, it would be great if I could go on a vacation or go somewhere without having to bring pills? Wouldn't it be great if you didn't have to go to the pharmacy all the time? If you don't have to worry about running out and having seizures? Wouldn't it be great to just walk into a doctor's office and tell them yeah I abuse substances, I love doing controlled medicines, and I don't like rules without them being able to control you? Not worried about what they might label you and if they will give you meds again or not? Even if you are effed in the head, it must be better. Anyways, that's what made me want to get off of meds. To have freedom. To be normal. For those of you that are now completely healed from post withdrawal, are you glad that you did so? Or do you still have urges to go get more because you just can't function the same as you used to? And if you did heal all the way, is everything exciting and as you thought it would be? If it's not there's no point in this.

[[So...]]

I feel like this site is a little bit more geared towards people who took this medication as prescribed not abused or craved these drugs, it sounds like you might benefit more from a substance abuse support group where you can talk about these feelings because I don't feel like you will get the support you need on this website.

[[Ju...]]

I'm not here to rub you the wrong way and, contrary to what you think, I always did take them as prescribed and I've never had any cravings for them. Technically, anybody on here that has taken any central nervous system depressants has abused them but who's the judge? Anybody that lives in a medical marijuana state has abuse them technically, does that mean we should stop living because we have a prescription for benzos? The doctors don't! LOL I've just always done a whole lot of other things because I started taking them back in 1999. I've lived a hell of a life, and I'm trying to figure out from people that have taken benzos as prescribed as long as me, how long I might be in this for. I've been to a lot of substance abuse places in my life, and unfortunately nobody has the knowledge that people on here do, definitely not doctors. If it helps, I can stop talking about other matters and act as if abuse doesn't happen daily when people don't even know it. :-)

[[be...]]

Blowing a .59? Well congratulations, you’re not dead. I’m with songbird. I don’t think you’ll get much sympathy here. People are holding on for dear life and if anyone knew how long this will last, they’d be playing bridge with Bill Gates.

[[Ju...]]

I really don't think either of you guys read my post. I'm not here for sympathy, I'm in it just like you. I just like to laugh and have fun in life. You only get one. And that was the purpose of my post, to try and figure out from the people that have, yes there are many people on here that already have, how long it's going to be until you can go out and enjoy things again instead of sitting around dwelling on things. You might be able to thank me as more time goes by. I will let you decide.

[[so...]]

JustInTime,

 

Most of us take this withdrawal very seriously.  We have suffered a lot and have the scars to prove it.  If or when you finally decide “this is it,” you will probably get a different “tone” to your responses than what you are getting now.  Most members on this forum have made an iron-clad commitment to getting off these drugs and staying off them.  Where do you fit in?  Are you on the fence about this?  Is this just another in a long stream of stopping and restarting the drug cycle?  Most of us aren’t in your shoes if you haven’t yet made the decision this will be the last time you will ever go through withdrawal.

 

It could be that you just feel really ill at the moment and, when feeling sick, things don’t quite come across the way you want them to.  If you need help with something, or have specific issues or questions you would like to discuss, please don’t hesitate.  We are all here to support and be supported.  You are no exception.

 

Sofa

 

 

[[Ra...]]

I really don't think either of you guys read my post. I'm not here for sympathy, I'm in it just like you. I just like to laugh and have fun in life. You only get one. And that was the purpose of my post, to try and figure out from the people that have, yes there are many people on here that already have, how long it's going to be until you can go out and enjoy things again instead of sitting around dwelling on things. You might be able to thank me as more time goes by. I will let you decide.

I'm in same boat. Seriously considering going back on bars and peaches. I regret that I've stopped for a period of time and think it wouldn't affect me. Depends how I feel by new years more than likely I'll go back to zannys. I'm not going mope around check out this site everyday hoping and hoping. Plus life is too damn short to be moping around and dwelling how screwed up your unbalanced physical and mental state.

[[be...]]

I really don't think either of you guys read my post. I'm not here for sympathy, I'm in it just like you. I just like to laugh and have fun in life. You only get one. And that was the purpose of my post, to try and figure out from the people that have, yes there are many people on here that already have, how long it's going to be until you can go out and enjoy things again instead of sitting around dwelling on things. You might be able to thank me as more time goes by. I will let you decide.

 

 

I’ve already made my decision. And please do the members here a favor and change the saying at the bottom of your profile. It would offend Joseph Heller.

[[Ju...]]

Why is everybody getting so offended? Most of the people taking benzodiazepines have mental health conditions. Some of them have neurological conditions. And there's a lot of other reasons. I already made my decision over 70 days ago and I am still clean. In just a few years I will be 40. I have been in this for the Long Haul, mainly veterans when it comes to benzodiazepines. The only people that would know what I'm talking about are the people that have been taking high-dose for long-term, and those types of people have obviously done lots of things. I can understand if you're young not knowing what I'm talking about. It doesn't matter what you're doing, you still have to live your life and have fun. That's what I mean by I don't take recovery seriously and I always decide to start doing something else instead like drinking or smoking. Not this time though. I've got family to worry about. I've also got my mental health that is still there, the same as it was when I was 17 years old. People with mental health conditions can play around also can't they? Let the good moderators decide if it is a crime to be able to smile again.

[[Ju...]]

I do have to add, sofa, you are correct about being ill. That comes with the territory. Like I was saying I've been through this multiple times and hopefully this is the last. Maybe I'm experiencing a window and I just don't know it. Regardless, I'm trying to find other people that have been through this multiple times like me and have gone through the kindling. We are veterans when it comes to benzodiazepines. Without us, you wouldn't have benzo Buddies. And when you read my history at the bottom, that should explain why I'm talking the way I am. That's what benzos do and I'm determined remember the rest of my life, unlike the last part. :-)

[[so...]]

JIT,

 

There are some things you say I agree with, but you make generalizations and assumptions about lots of things that I disagree with.  You are 40 years old and just now are coming around to the realization that you can’t keep spinning on this merry-go-round of drug abuse.  You assume that most of us have mental problems, for which we were prescribed benzos.  Your statement couldn’t be further from the truth.  I was put on benzos for nausea while waiting to have my gallbladder removed.  Many many people were on these drugs errantly for physical conditions, not mental.  As a matter of fact, from your signature and your posts, you are the exception to the rule, not the norm.  All of your drugs and detoxes are far more glaring examples of mental issues that most of us on this forum do not have.

 

And please forgive me if I don’t thank you for being a “veteran,” without whom “there would be no Benzo Buddies.”  I have five years under my belt, surviving a hell you’ve never stepped foot in.  Talk to me when you reach five years clean and we can compare scars.

 

Unbelievable.

 

Sofa

[[Ju...]]

Interesting response. There's a lot of things in your response that do not exactly agree with. For starters, I'm 36 and this is my first break since I was a young teenager. If I wanted to keep going on this wheel, I could because the doctors will prescribe but I decided to stop cold turkey on my own this time with seizure medicine so I don't have to go to the hospital again or to go to jail again because that's what they turn into eventually. Not for all, but for a good majority. If you have lived a hard life, you would know if you don't have support the system will take you in and it's not easy on you. The goal is to come off of benzos permanently just like everybody else here. That's why I'm in 71 days. I was originally prescribed to him for generalized anxiety disorder, and it was so long ago I don't even remember the dose. Afterwards I was prescribed for familiar essential tremors. That's a neurological condition. Later on in life, they also started prescribing them for my back. So I guess benzos help with three things at once. They still do, I just don't like the meds. I do however like getting really high from time to time. Like I was saying, you get one life. I don't plan on staying sober for very long. However, I do plan on staying off of benzos like I was saying in my original thread. I really don't feel like anybody is reading everything that was in there. Maybe it's because of the withdrawal, you are only picking up parts that are relevant to yourself. But I don't know, nor am I here to judge. I'm just trying to find other people that have been on them for long periods of time like myself. Like I was saying, there's a lot of so-called veterans when it comes to this and we have been through a lot. That's great you have 5 years clean, I could care less if you had 2 days or 10 years. It's about who is able to go on and live like normally and have fun like I said in my original post. Like I said I'm just trying to have fun. I don't know why people are taking Jabs at me. There's a lot of people that agree with my thread, they usually just don't say anything.

[[Ju...]]

That is the number one reason that most people are prescribed benzos, for mental health conditions. Things like anxiety. That's why they're called anti-anxiety medicine. Does that mean that it's the only thing? Not at all. People like myself have prescriptions that cure more than three or four things at the same time. That doesn't mean that you should hate on people like me that have mental health conditions that are just trying to smile and have fun in life. If you want I can take down the thread?

[[de...]]

I don't judge you JIT.  If you are wanting to get off benzo's that's good enough for me. 

 

I've  felt as you when it came to alcohol.  The craving, the wanting to have fun, until eventually it was no longer fun, and I knew I had to stop.  And I did, thank goodness. 

 

All of it stops being fun eventually, JIT.  You will find that getting effed up is not what it's cracked up to be.  It's escape, that's all.  Getting uneffed is the better fun.  I can attest to this because I'm very funnie.   

 

If you want to get off benzo's this is the place to be.  But not the place to talk about cravings, and the fun seeking.  Maybe NA would assist you there.  Therapist, idk. 

 

This place is about dead set getting off benzo's.  The hard yards.  And it ain't no fun. 

 

Care about ya JIT, and would like to see you remain, but you do have to get serious.  Like, serious.

 

How's your taper going? 

 

Dee

[[be...]]

JIT,

 

There are some things you say I agree with, but you make generalizations and assumptions about lots of things that I disagree with.  You are 40 years old and just now are coming around to the realization that you can’t keep spinning on this merry-go-round of drug abuse.  You assume that most of us have mental problems, for which we were prescribed benzos.  Your statement couldn’t be further from the truth.  I was put on benzos for nausea while waiting to have my gallbladder removed.  Many many people were on these drugs errantly for physical conditions, not mental.  As a matter of fact, from your signature and your posts, you are the exception to the rule, not the norm.  All of your drugs and detoxes are far more glaring examples of mental issues that most of us on this forum do not have.

 

And please forgive me if I don’t thank you for being a “veteran,” without whom “there would be no Benzo Buddies.”  I have five years under my belt, surviving a hell you’ve never stepped foot in.  Talk to me when you reach five years clean and we can compare scars.

 

Unbelievable.

 

Sofa

 

Dat.

[[Ma...]]

JustinTime, just wondering what your current plans are with alcohol consumption? No judgement, just want to get your side of things.

[[be...]]

I was just wondering about your barbiturate. You said you got them OTC. Is this true?

[[Ju...]]

Benzo girl, no I never said I get them over the counter, I was saying that they are not controlled. Primidone is a non-controlled substance. I appreciate everybody's response, I was having a really hard time last night. I just didn't realize it until this morning. I was laughing at things that I shouldn't be laughing at. It's all fun and games until you look at how much everything has damaged you. I can't stand alcohol anymore in my life. I've always used it for social situations. Just like benzodiazepines. Anyways, usually my days half-crazy mornings and afternoons and wild nights ever since coming off of benzos. I'm starting to get the idea that this is not even withdrawal. I think what it is, is being afraid of everything because I have never learned anything other than one time under the influence of benzos. And I don't mean like that, I don't mean drunk or high, I just mean not being able to see things clearer. And now that all of the benzos I've been out of my body for over 70 days, I'm starting to realize why everything is feeling like anxiety but I'm really not anxious about anything. The only time that I start feeling overwhelmed is when I go out to do things that I haven't done yet because this is the first 70 days since I was a teenager that I have seen things completely clearly. That's my theory. I honestly think that a lot of psychiatrist are wrong about things. And I think life would be a lot more fun if I learn to live it without benzos. But I still have a medical card, so don't get me wrong, I still like to get high and have fun. But yes this is not the place to talk about it. I will refrain in the future :-) LOL

[[so...]]

JIT,

 

I was put on a plethora of drugs before and after back surgery.  Mixing them all up throughout the day and drinking alcohol to boot.  I never felt high; the meds just made my pain go away.  When I read your posts and your signature, it bothers me because I should be dead right now with all the pills I was prescribed to take PRN and in dangerous combinations with each other. 

 

You mention that you have a family to take care of and that is part of the reason you are more serious about quitting this time around.  I can relate to that.  My family sometimes reminds me of the way I used to be while on drugs.  They are amazed (and grateful) I’m alive today.  I shouldn’t be.  Nor should you, not with the outrageously high doses and combinations of drugs you’ve taken.  You’ve survived the unsurvivable.  Maybe there’s a reason you survived that is beyond your comprehension right now.  Maybe you are a “cautionary tale” for your family and other people. 

 

I think what bothers me most in your posts is that you don’t feel blessed to still be alive after treating your body the way you have.  You have no intention to stop drinking and seeking to get high.  It seems like you are laughing in the face of God and the universe. 

 

It’s difficult for me to read such arrogance.  We all like to have fun.  That’s what we should all be searching for—happiness.  But to seek it through medication and alcohol?  To posture yourself as invincible because you’ve cheated death so far, in spite of all the things you’ve done to yourself to bring it about?

 

I hope this journey enlightens you.  If it doesn’t, then it’s pretty much a waste of your time (and ours).

 

Sofa

 

 

[[be...]]

Okay. But I still think people who want to and enjoy getting high don’t belong here. It can be very upsetting to those who are trying so hard to get off drugs, besides, This is a support forum for those who want to get off and stay sober. You’re attitude is the opposite. And from you’re signature I cannot understand how you manage to feel so good. Doing a C/T off 18 mg klonopin would make you near deaths door. Sorry but I really have a difficult time believing your story. I honestly think your job here is to cause trouble. But that’s what I think and I’ve been here for six years.

[[so...]]

Benzo girl, no I never said I get them over the counter, I was saying that they are not controlled. Primidone is a non-controlled substance. I appreciate everybody's response, I was having a really hard time last night. I just didn't realize it until this morning. I was laughing at things that I shouldn't be laughing at. It's all fun and games until you look at how much everything has damaged you. I can't stand alcohol anymore in my life. I've always used it for social situations. Just like benzodiazepines. Anyways, usually my days half-crazy mornings and afternoons and wild nights ever since coming off of benzos. I'm starting to get the idea that this is not even withdrawal. I think what it is, is being afraid of everything because I have never learned anything other than one time under the influence of benzos. And I don't mean like that, I don't mean drunk or high, I just mean not being able to see things clearer. And now that all of the benzos I've been out of my body for over 70 days, I'm starting to realize why everything is feeling like anxiety but I'm really not anxious about anything. The only time that I start feeling overwhelmed is when I go out to do things that I haven't done yet because this is the first 70 days since I was a teenager that I have seen things completely clearly. That's my theory. I honestly think that a lot of psychiatrist are wrong about things. And I think life would be a lot more fun if I learn to live it without benzos. But I still have a medical card, so don't get me wrong, I still like to get high and have fun. But yes this is not the place to talk about it. I will refrain in the future :-) LOL

 

JIT,

 

I posted what I wrote before I read what you just wrote.  Maybe you’ve had a change of heart or maybe you’re just experiencing a more sobering moment. 

 

Most of us on this forum seem serious because this has been such a horrible experience that it’s hard to laugh at it.

 

Wish you well.

 

Sofa

[[Ju...]]

Well, I find benzo buddies useful. I don't need to be a member to read the post. I'm not here to impress you. I'm here for the same reason as you, to get off of benzodiazepines. And to stay off of them. I'm not here to prove myself to anybody, although if somebody wants a picture of a bottle, which is prescribed to me, I would gladly send it to you. That would be very weird though. I have absolutely nothing to lose and I care nothing about opinions. And yes, it is very weird that I haven't died yet. The closest I came to dying it was when I came off of the meds. It was absolutely brutal and scary. I do not recommend it. I have overdosed several times in life because of doctors not because of getting high. I've gotten high my entire life and never had a problem. Anything that I have ever gone through physically was either because of alcohol or because of surgeons. That's a whole different story though. And I'm pretty sure you said we needed to talk about benzos only. So I don't know why we're talking about all these other things. At the same time, I try to be respectful of people. If that means you can't handle talking about other things while going through benzo withdrawal, I will leave and take this crazy talk somewhere else where people are stronger minded. But I highly doubt that you guys are weak otherwise you would not be doing this. I've come off of everything in my life and benzos are the hardest. With all of that being said, I'm here for one reason and one reason only. That is to get off of benzodiazepines once and for all. And to get information about them and help people when possible and get advice from other people about what's going on. Is that a problem?

[[Ju...]]

Sofa, I think you have assumed more than anybody. Never have I laugh in the face of God. As you call it. The reason I've always been this way is because of Mental Health. It's called major depressive disorder. When you have it, you don't care about things. But I'm trying. That's all I can do. As far as what you're speaking of with a plethora of drugs, I know all too well. I have taken amounts of drugs that leave any doctor speechless. That's not good for my family. And I still need pain management again, that's the reason I got off the benzos in the first place. Because of this whole benzo and opiate problem. Don't assume things that you don't know. I should put a please and thank you after this, because it wasn't meant to be rude.

[[Ju...]]

If there's one thing that I should add to this post, not everybody needs to taper oh, just get some cheap seizure medicine. That's what detoxes do. And yes, it is okay to laugh as long as you're not hurting anybody. Not only is it okay to laugh, that's what your purpose in life should be. There's way too many serious faces for no reason. Withdrawal does not have to be a serious matter. Instead of frowning, try smiling. It might help you. You know like when people say try smiling for once? The same rules apply on benzo buddies if your trying to get better. If you sit around being negative and frowning all day, you're never going to heal. Anyways back to tapering. When you go to jail do you really think that they let you taper? The answer is no. When you can't afford your medicine, you can't taper. When you live on the street, it is what it is. It really sounds like a lot of people had it easier than others. Not to say it's easy. But it could be worse. Some people need to remember that. After you've been through great pain, you have great peace. With great peace, you can laugh at things. That's why elderly people that have lots of wisdom and have been through a lot of things, do not care about opinions anymore. The goal in life is to live a happy life free from negativity. I really think that a lot of people on here will be a lot happier once they get through this. Like I said in my original thread before everybody started commenting, that's what the goal is. And I was only here trying to figure out how many people have actually started living life again out in real life. Also, read the rules on this website. There's nothing that states you can't have fun. There's nothing that says you can't talk about other things. As long as you're being respectful, and you're here for the goal of getting off of benzodiazepines, there shouldn't be any comments about what is right and wrong. I'm getting through withdrawal. Just like you. Do not judge, try to have fun. That's all.

[[so...]]

JIT,

 

I think we are saying similar things, just differently and, perhaps, with different perspectives based on our individual experiences.

 

I am not saying you should leave this forum.  I am suggesting how you might change the tone of your posts so people take you more seriously.  I could be wrong.  I don’t have any more answers than anyone else on this forum.

 

My hunch is you’ll figure out how to get the most out of this forum without pissing people off to the point they don’t want to help you. 

 

Good luck with your journey.  Laughter is a great coping mechanism.  Keeping things as light as possible in the darkness is a good survival strategy.

 

Sofa