Looking for Buddies - LT High dose Xanax direct taper 1/2 way there!

[[Di...]]

Marybeth it's so wonderful that you were able to spend time at the beach I believe that is the most relaxing place on earth.

Good luck with your cut you are getting so close to the end

Hugs ❤

[[He...]]

MB,

 

How nice for you that you were able to spend time on the boat with your beloved family. I hope your cut goes well today. I am making a cut this afternoon too, so we'll see how that goes. I got a little extra sleep (for me) last night so I am happy about that.

 

Happy Friday, everyone:) and have a great 4th weekend,

 

HM

[[to...]]

MB - hope your cut goes well! I am planning to do one on Sunday - that is 88% for me.  yah  I am sure you had a great time at the beach!  That is great!

 

HM - I am so glad you got some sleep, that will make for a better day!  I hope your cut goes well!  You are also moving right along.

 

Debbie - I hope your stomach is even better today!!!

 

Laurie - I am hoping you are doing good today!  End of the workweek so hopefully you will have a good long weekend off.  One more week down!!!

 

Hey Mary - I hope you are doing ok.  Have not seen you on here the last couple days. 

 

Love,

Julia  :smitten:

 

Happy 4th of July everyone!  I hope it is a calm and peaceful holiday for you.

 

 

[[Lo...]]

Thanks so much Debbie, HM, and Julia!

 

Looks like we have quite a few making reductions this week!  Here's to smooth sailing for each of us!  Sending warm wishes and fingers crossed!

 

:smitten:

[[Di...]]

HM so glad you got some sleep that always helps.  Good luck with your cut. ❤

 

Laurie, Julia and Mary hope your day is going well today. ❤

 

I had a very good late afternoon and evening last night which surprised me because I had to take care of some of my mom's things.  Today not so good I'm thinking that I can't eat oatmeal for breakfast I'm having a lot of stomach discomfort and panic.  Praying it gets better as the day goes on.

 

Hugs and prayers ❤

 

 

[[to...]]

HM so glad you got some sleep that always helps.  Good luck with your cut. ❤

 

Laurie, Julia and Mary hope your day is going well today. ❤

 

I had a very good late afternoon and evening last night which surprised me because I had to take care of some of my mom's things.  Today not so good I'm thinking that I can't eat oatmeal for breakfast I'm having a lot of stomach discomfort and panic.  Praying it gets better as the day goes on.

 

Hugs and prayers ❤

 

Hey Debbie - I am so glad yesterday afternoon was good for you!  I am sorry today has not been good.  I believe it will get better.  Keep the faith!  Sometimes when my stomach is hurting in the mornings, I eat crackers and that sometimes helps.  I really hope that your day gets better.

Sending love and prayers your way!

Love,

Julia 

[[Di...]]

Thank you Julia nibbling on crackers and sipping milk right now.

[[to...]]

Thank you Julia nibbling on crackers and sipping milk right now.

 

I hope you feel better soon!! 

[[Di...]]

Thank you Julia nibbling on crackers and sipping milk right now.

 

I hope you feel better soon!! 

 

[[ba...]]

I am so behind on everyone's lives, quality of taper, and progress. I have been IN IT DEEP. (Sorry for shouting) I despaired that the paradox I was getting with every dose would never end. Saw improvement yesterday. Only 1 paradox yesterday, none today. Hope this trend of not paradoxing every dose continues. I don't have a lot of confidence, have to take it day by day.

 

Just in  withdraw, it's not pleasant, but easier to cope with.

 

As I get better, I will keep in better touch. I have much respect and appreciation for all of you. Each with your unique skills and virtues which lead to positive, encouraging, and supportive posts. You are what makes this forum work, and you give it value and strength. All of you are wonderful people, and none of you (or me) deserve what has been done to us. I wouldn't do this to a convicted criminal (put them on benzo's) It's a form of torture that often takes years to get through. No one deserves this.

 

I wanted to share that a young person who is a friend of mine let me know his anxiety is out of control and he was looking for a psych to start receiving help. I had a good talk with him about benzo's, I really wanted to avoid yet another person being poisoned. I think he got it. He knew nothing about them, and I was very concerned that whomever he ends up seeing would poison this sweet, talented, intelligent young man.

 

So I am still moderating, just not here.

 

Love you all

[[se...]]

BD,

 

It is do great to see a post from you!  I know you are suffering and I am so sorry.  Hopefully the worst has now past and you will have some relief.  I hope you continue to taper, I am assuming once you get lower things will get better.

 

Thank goodness you warned that young man!  I tell everyone willing to listen.

[[Di...]]

BD I'm so glad that you have had a better day today.  You are such an inspiration to all of us.

How wonderful that you were able to talk to that young man.  No one should go through the torture that we having to endure.

Praying for you to continue feeling better.

 

Hugs❤

[[He...]]

I am so behind on everyone's lives, quality of taper, and progress. I have been IN IT DEEP. (Sorry for shouting) I despaired that the paradox I was getting with every dose would never end. Saw improvement yesterday. Only 1 paradox yesterday, none today. Hope this trend of not paradoxing every dose continues. I don't have a lot of confidence, have to take it day by day.

 

Just in  withdraw, it's not pleasant, but easier to cope with.

 

As I get better, I will keep in better touch. I have much respect and appreciation for all of you. Each with your unique skills and virtues which lead to positive, encouraging, and supportive posts. You are what makes this forum work, and you give it value and strength. All of you are wonderful people, and none of you (or me) deserve what has been done to us. I wouldn't do this to a convicted criminal (put them on benzo's) It's a form of torture that often takes years to get through. No one deserves this.

 

I wanted to share that a young person who is a friend of mine let me know his anxiety is out of control and he was looking for a psych to start receiving help. I had a good talk with him about benzo's, I really wanted to avoid yet another person being poisoned. I think he got it. He knew nothing about them, and I was very concerned that whomever he ends up seeing would poison this sweet, talented, intelligent young man.

 

So I am still moderating, just not here.

 

Love you all

 

It's good to hear from you:) Good for you for telling a potential victim the truth about benzo's. I am happy to hear your paradoxes are toning down. I just did a cut today from .165mg per dose to .15mg per dose and from 1.15mg day to 1.05mg day. I'm hoping my system will tolerate it. I will let you all know if it doesn't.

 

Take care of yourself and keep us posted!

 

HM

[[Wo...]]

Hi Ladies!!  I know I’ve been absent for quite a few days now. I have been holding at my dose for longer than I normally do because I have been busy with some things that I knew would be a little overwhelming so I thought a hold was best still till after the 4th. I had errands to run, doctors appointment, and I even pushed myself to go get a pedicure by myself. I haven’t been able to go alone since my benzos (beforehand I could) but I’m trying to push myself out of my comfort zones a little bit to see if this Xanax anxiety stays under control. Which most of the time it does. I was never out on it originally for anxiety but the stuff sure did cause it in withdrawals. Weirdest stuff! I then did some shopping and got things I would need for the Fourth of July for my husbands family reunion picnic at his aunt and uncles up in the next town on the lake. Problem is it is a lot of family, a lot of stimulation, noise, and my brain is going to be overwhelmed to say the least. I also have extreme tiredness yet insomnia at the same time. Last night I did not sleep good at all. Today my hubby took the day off and we went and finalized our shower stalls, faucets, fixtures and that sort of thing with the design lady. Talk about exhausted and my brain is mush from all that decision making and work it had to do. My husband was very good and patient with me because he knew it would be a struggle. Tomorrow I go to my parents. July 3rd is the day my sister was killed and so I will go up and take them to the cemetery and keep them company for the day. I went and got all the flowers for the cemetery today and will take them with me tomorrow. It’s always a sad day. That also could be why I needed a hold in there as well. It’s hot here in Iowa. It’ll be in the 90’s this weekend. I will start my taper up on Monday again. Bright spot of the day I saw a lady that was walking a black goldendoodle today that looked just like my one black one that died from cancer 2 years ago and I stopped and asked her if I could love on her dog and she said it’s my sisters but of course. Omg, it was the sweetest thing. I got lots of love and she looked and reminded me of my Taffy. I’ll get another puppy again when the timings right and next year maybe. We’ll see. I’m known in town as the big animal lover/dog whisperer. Everyone asks me to watch their dogs. The neighbor three houses away dog runs away to my house and waits at the back door for me to let him in. Lol 😂 I love it.  I still have Morris my stray cat that comes everyday and he’s a big cuddle bug.

 

 

Now that I caught you all up on me……on to you all.

 

Julia, I’ve missed you too! I am so terribly sorry about your fathers death. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was it still hurts, and this time of year has to hold some hard memories for you. Big hugs to you and I’ll be sending you big birthday wishes on your day!! I hope you are hanging in there ok and feeling better. Love you!

 

Debbie, I have yiu in my daily prayers and am sending love and hugs to you. I can’t imagine your grief and pain right now, but know we are all here for you! I hope your tummy trouble starts to resolve and you start to feel better!

 

Laurie, I hope your cuts have been ok and you are hanging in there with no big withdrawl symptoms. Although as we get lower it’s the nature of this beast. You are doing so great! It will all be a blip on the radar screen before you know it! I think of you every time I go in my laundry room as the paint color is called seasalt! Lol

 

MaryBeth, oh my gosh……that picture makes me want to jump through the screen and be there on the boat with you! How incredibly tranquil does that look! I’m glad you got some relaxation time at the beach with your wonderful son and parents. Nothing feels as good as inhaling the smell of salt water in the air. Bravo on your cut and look how far you’ve come! You are a damn rock star and rocking this out! Isn’t that amazing how far you are! You should be so proud of yourself! I am so proud of you!! Keep inspiring us girl…..you’re amazing! Love and hugs!

 

Baddove, you are so strong, inspirational, and selfless. Always helping others when you’re suffering through withdrawals yourself. You are going to get through this. You are what makes us in this group so great and supportive.  Because you were here with so much support to start. You keep me strong and motivated to keep this up. Thank you for that. And bless you for warning that young man and saving him. That’s a hero in my book. One person stopped from being in our predicament is a heroic action I think. Love and hugs to you. Keep,up,the good fight against this poison!

 

HM, you have made incredible progress! Talk about amazing. You have done so well, and I have no doubt you will knock it out of the park in no time and be on your way to a healed life. You are always supportive and kind, and answer us with encouragement all the time. I hope you are getting some sleep. Way to be able to cut again! You will be done before yiu know it too! Hugs and love to you!

 

 

I missed you all and have been meaning to get on here and say hello but time gets away from me sometimes. I’m wishing you all a happy and safe 4th. May you all on the 4th be symptom free and be kicking benzos ass like America did the British in 1776! Lol 😂  (no offense to Brits, I am 56% British myself or so the ancestry spit test said I was!) lol Love, hugs, and good vibes all sent your way!!

 

Mary  :smitten:

[[se...]]

MB, I think your neck and shoulder pain may be from the Hashimoto’s/thyroid condition. Both my daughter and I get that off and on.  I hope it passes.  Also, I think your body is reacting to your low dose, your almost there!  Great progress!!

 

It is so nice to see everyone posting progress!  It is 2:00am and I am awake with a stomach ache.  It appears, Debbie, Julia and I are all plagued with this “not do fun” sx.

 

Hoping you all have a great holiday weekend with friends and family!  It will be a great distraction from withdrawal.  We are all going to conquer this thing together!

 

Hugs to all..

[[He...]]

Happy Saturday!

 

Mary,

 

  Thank you for the long, beautiful post to catch us up. I hope your weekend is symptom free and YOU are kicking benzo's butt! You are so kind, loving, and inspirational all the time, despite your own challenges. It is always good to hear form you.

 

 

I did a cut yesterday and so far I don't notice anything. I had almost no sleep last night so I am tired today but, thank God, otherwise no painful symptoms.

 

Take care, everyone!

 

HM

[[Di...]]

Mary it was so good to hear from you.  My goodness you are one busy lady but good for you I'm glad you can do it. I am so sorry about your sister my heart is with you and your parents.

 

HM hope this cut goes smooth for you and you get some sleep.

 

Julia hope today is good.

 

Hugs❤

 

 

Laurie I am so sorry your stomach is giving you such problems I know how awful it is.  I hope it will calm down so you can enjoy your weekend.

[[to...]]

Hello everyone,

 

I have alot going on and will for the next several days  and I am having a pretty bad day with symptoms, stomach is killing me, off balance - probably due to emotional stress.  Today is 50 years since my Dad committed suicide and it is ALWAYS a rough day for me, on Monday - my birthday, it will 50 years since he was buried.  Usually for a month before this time, I am sad and emotional.  This time it has been better but that is more than likely because I am so focused on getting off this drug.  Very much a distraction! 

 

Mary - you are so awesome - that is so great that you are able to do all those things.  I am sure it is hard but you are doing so well!  I am proud of you!  I am so sorry about your sister, you and your family are in my prayers.  You are right - it does not matter how long it has been, it still hurts and always will.  You are such a great daughter and I am sure your parents appreciate you so much!!  I am glad that you posted, I was getting worried about you!  Love you!

 

BD - thanks for the update.  I am hoping you will continue to get some relief and get better!  You deserve it so much.  I too am happy that you talked to that young person and I hope they truly understood.  I am also glad that they are reaching out to get the help they need.  That is awesome!  I had the same conversation with my sister last year when her doctor prescribed her Ativan but she still does not understand although I have talked to her many, many times about benzo's and how dangerous they are.  She knows what I am going through but she truly does not understand.  I asked her if she is taking it from time to time and she says she only took 1 pill last year but I do not think she would tell me if she was taking it.

 

Debbie - I hope your stomach is alot better and that you are continuing to heal from your Mom's passing.  I know that has to be hard!

 

Laurie - I hope you are doing well too and I hope your cut tomorrow will go well.  I hope your stomach is better today and I hope you get more sleep tonight!

 

HM - I am sorry you did not get any sleep last night.  I pray your cut goes well and hope that as you go lower in dose your sleep will get better.  I am glad so far your cut is going so well!

 

 

I have decided to wait until next week to make my cut.  I need a small break with everything I am dealing with right now.  I know this will pass as it always does but I do not need to add anything to it.  I hope everyone has a good holiday weekend.  I plan on staying home and just try to relax and I will reflect on the past but that is how I have to deal with it as I continue to heal.. 

 

Love to all of you!

 

Julia  :smitten: 

[[Di...]]

Julia I am so sorry your feeling so bad.  My heart goes out to you.  You have a lot on your shoulders I can't imagine losing your dad in that way. 

Keeping you in my prayers.

 

Love you ❤

[[to...]]

Julia I am so sorry your feeling so bad.  My heart goes out to you.  You have a lot on your shoulders I can't imagine losing your dad in that way. 

Keeping you in my prayers.

 

Love you ❤

 

Hi Debbie - Thank you very much!  I sometimes wonder why it still hits me so hard as I was 6 the day he died and turned 7 the day he was buried but I remember alot about what happened and remember seeing him after he did it.  (in our home)  Some years are harder than others.  This is just a harder one.  I will be better once my birthday passes.

 

Thank you for caring!!  That means so much to me!

 

Love you!!!

Julia  :smitten:

[[Di...]]

Julia I am so sorry your feeling so bad.  My heart goes out to you.  You have a lot on your shoulders I can't imagine losing your dad in that way. 

Keeping you in my prayers.

 

Love you ❤

 

Hi Debbie - Thank you very much!  I sometimes wonder why it still hits me so hard as I was 6 the day he died and turned 7 the day he was buried but I remember alot about what happened and remember seeing him after he did it.  (in our home)  Some years are harder than others.  This is just a harder one.  I will be better once my birthday passes.

 

Thank you for caring!!  That means so much to me!

 

Love you!!!

Julia  :smitten:

 

Julia sending you lots of love and prayers.

[[to...]]

Julia I am so sorry your feeling so bad.  My heart goes out to you.  You have a lot on your shoulders I can't imagine losing your dad in that way. 

Keeping you in my prayers.

 

Love you ❤

 

Hi Debbie - Thank you very much!  I sometimes wonder why it still hits me so hard as I was 6 the day he died and turned 7 the day he was buried but I remember alot about what happened and remember seeing him after he did it.  (in our home)  Some years are harder than others.  This is just a harder one.  I will be better once my birthday passes.

 

Thank you for caring!!  That means so much to me!

 

Love you!!!

Julia  :smitten:

 

Julia sending you lots of love and prayers.

 

:hug: :angel:

[[ba...]]

Julia, I am so sorry.  My first husband hung himself in the woods around Truckee, Ca, before my oldest daughter was born. I don't grieve him, because I had left him for personal reasons while I was pregnant. But it is hard on my daughter. She just took a trip to the West Coast and came home through Truckee, and said she was stunned by the Grief and pain she felt.  It's been 32 years for her since we told her the story. She never knew him, and yet it hurts her. The pain does not go away. Thank goodness I went Daddy shopping for her and married my now husband when she was 2 years old.  When she was 5, we told her she had a bio dad who died, gave her a framed pic of bio dad and the dad who chose her in a double frame. We wanted to do it as soon as she could understand. Husband then adopted her. We went to the judges chambers all dressed up, I remember he gave her an American flag to commemorate the adoption (I think he wanted to give her something, but that's all he could find.) They now celebrate adoption day every December 19.

 

She wrote that her grief was the absence of being loved and wanted, as she deserved to be, and feeling rejected by bio Dad. At the the same time glad she got that love from the Dad who chose her.

 

I stand with you, and with her, in your pain.  I am actually angry that your Dad did that to you. You may not have that, but I do. That experience has kept me from seriously contemplating a final exit as the wd sometimes throws at me, because no matter how bad I feel, the pain it would cause my family is worse.

 

Much love to you.

 

[[to...]]

Julia, I am so sorry.  My first husband hung himself in the woods around Truckee, Ca, before my oldest daughter was born. I don't grieve him, because I had left him for personal reasons while I was pregnant. But it is hard on my daughter. She just took a trip to the West Coast and came home through Truckee, and said she was stunned by the Grief and pain she felt.  It's been 32 years for her since we told her the story. She never knew him, and yet it hurts her. The pain does not go away. Thank goodness I went Daddy shopping for her and married my now husband when she was 2 years old.  When she was 5, we told her she had a bio dad who died, gave her a framed pic of bio dad and the dad who chose her in a double frame. We wanted to do it as soon as she could understand. Husband then adopted her. We went to the judges chambers all dressed up, I remember he gave her an American flag to commemorate the adoption (I think he wanted to give her something, but that's all he could find.) They now celebrate adoption day every December 19.

 

She wrote that her grief was the absence of being loved and wanted, as she deserved to be, and feeling rejected by bio Dad. At the the same time glad she got that love from the Dad who chose her.

 

I stand with you, and with her, in your pain.  I am actually angry that your Dad did that to you. You may not have that, but I do. That experience has kept me from seriously contemplating a final exit as the wd sometimes throws at me, because no matter how bad I feel, the pain it would cause my family is worse.

 

Much love to you.

 

 

Dear Baddove,

You are an amazing lady and I appreciate your post more than you will ever know!  It made me cry but your sharing what your daughter said " her grief was the absence of being loved and wanted, as she deserved to be, and feeling rejected by bio Dad"  She described how I have always felt - absence of being loved and wanted.  I am so glad that you went Daddy shopping and gave her the gift of a Daddy that loves her and choose her!  That is beautiful.  I was not as fortunate - my Mom went Daddy shopping too and found an alcoholic who my Mom made more important than me.  (That is another story) 

I absolutely do have anger at my Dad and at the same time I have the feelings of wanting him to be here to have protected me from all that I experienced as a child and adult.  Truth is - he was an alcoholic and life was pretty rough when he was alive.  But there has always been that "If Daddy was here, this or that would not be happening"  especially when I was a child although I do not know if he would have made things better or not.  Just wanting to be loved and wanted and protected is all I ever wanted to feel and never did.

 

Throughout the years I could never understand why my Mom chose to bury my Dad on my birthday.  She could have waited one more day so I would not have that memory on my birthday every year.  It would have still been a hard time but my birthday would be a celebration instead of always being about the death of my Dad.  I asked her why - she said she just did not want to wait and wanted to get it over with - She and my Dad were not on the best of terms either when he died although they were still together.  I have cried and cried thinking if she cared about me she would have thought more about me than herself.  After all - I was the one who has had to live with my birthday being a sad and horrible memory.  She too has passed now - we did not have a wonderful relationship and she and I had our ups and downs for years.  I know I had anger at her too for the choices she made that affected my life and the life of my 3 sisters.  I have let that go for the most part as there is nothing I can do about it.  I am envious of people who have had such wonderful relationships with their parents but very happy for them too!

 

When I was around 14 and until I was 17, when I would get upset about my Dad's death and absence, I would cry and cry and my Mom would give me a half of a valium- and I would calm down.  I have always had PTSD since his death and hence the benzo's have been a part of my life since I was very young.  When I was around 19, I went to the doctor and he gave me a prescription for xanax and it said to take as needed.  For over 30 years I would take a half or whole .25 mg when I would get really upset with whatever it was that was going on in my life and about my Dad.  I am so thankful that I only took it about 4-6 times a year so I never had a problem with the xanax as I did not take it on a regular basis.  It is only when 5 years ago that  a new doctor decided to give me xanax and say to take it 3-4 times a day so I started taking 3 mg a day and after a few months just took me off of it and then within a couple weeks I was in withdrawal - a cold turkey that put me into the throws of hell.  I did not know what I was going through was withdrawal and did not know it was a cold turkey.  After 6 months I was put back on xanax by a pchy doctor and it still took over a year to stabilize.  It took another year of being ill and having heart attack and stroke symptoms for me to finally find BB on the internet and started reading the stories on here. I felt like they were telling my story.  I knew I had to taper off this and so I have been for 30 months now.  I thank God daily for BB and people like you who help me every day!

 

Sorry this was so long but I wanted to let you know how again, you have helped me at a time when I really needed to hear what you had to say.  It moved me and touched my heart. 

 

I am so very sorry that your daughter has had to deal with this as well.  It really is not easy to live with.  When you are a child and your parent leaves you intentionally, it permanently changes you.  I am very grateful that your "now" husband adopted her and has been there for her.  That is truly a gift.  I am happy for her!  And I am happy for you that you found someone to love you too.  He sounds like a wonderful man!  You are such a great Mom, Wife and friend!  Thank you!  I love that you gave her the pictures in a frame of her bio Dad and adopted Dad.  That was special! 

 

It took me 2 marriages and a lot of heartache but 8 years ago I met my now husband and best friend!  I am so fortunate that he is so supportive, encouraging and so loving.  He too had a rough child hood and we understand each other's pain.  He is my rock and I do not think I could have come this far without him.  The cold turkey was so bad that it made his life hell too and it has been hard on him but he has stayed by my side!  I am so lucky to have found him!  This all has been so painful and hard to go through and I can honestly say that if it were not for my husband, when I was going through the CT, I would not be here.  I wanted to die many times when going through the CT and not knowing what was wrong with me.  I was in panic 24-7 and it was really bad.  I knew I had to hang on because I could not do to him what my Dad did to me.

 

Thank you Baddove for being such a beautiful person and for showing such compassion all at a time when you are going through hell yourself.  I pray things get better for you!  I hate that you suffer the way you do.  I hope things get better for you so that you can move on and get off this drug.

 

I believe that God puts people together when they need each other and I also believes he will never give us more than we can handle with his help and his help often means people like you and others here on BB that are kind, compassionate and have hearts of gold and truly understand, not only about benzo hell but the things in life that brought us to where we are!

 

Love you my friend! You have made this a better time for me!  You are invaluable!!! Thank you !!!

Julia  :smitten:

 

 

 

 

[[se...]]

Wow,

 

Is it safe to say there has been a lot of grief and heartbreak expressed here over the last few months?  Death, divorce, addiction etc.  Who needs therapy, there is nothing this group has not worked through.

 

I feel blessed to be trusted enough to hear these very detailed painful situations.  This allows each of us to grow through another’s experience.  What amazes me the most is how each of (us) have placed these situations and chose to move forward regardless how difficult and painful the road has been. 

 

I’ve learned that each of you have such a unique strength!  I agree that god has brought us together for a reason.  I will pray for each of you.

 

Love to all…