Neurontin

[[si...]]

tony one thing i used to get me thru some really hard times is "GABA" powder "Now brand" - it is recommended on the bottle to take 1/4 teaspoon three times a day - but i found that to be too strong.  1/4 worked or 1/3 - however there is a caveat to gaba powder - it will stop your gaba receptors from naturally healing - so do not take it for long periods of times - i would take it maybe for three days to get a break from withdrawals and try to reset my circadian rhythms.

 

i think jumping off neurontin at 300 may have made things more difficult - but only you know - did it make things harder for you?

 

relaxation and walking is good for your body and mind.  holidays can be hard on us cause we think we are suppose to be rosy and happy - but losing your job, being on disability being under the IRS spotlight is stressful for anyone even if they were never on benzo's.

 

track how you are doing daily in a journal - make note of what works - what doesn't work - windows of improvement.

 

let the doctor thing resentment go - (we all have that) - but now you need to focus on getting better.

 

you do have a sense of humor - so something is connected right in your life - maybe watching some comedy that is funny.  i use music therapy - i turn the music way up and sing along - i play different music depending on my mood.  and just hang out here for support - many of us need lots of support when we go thru this.

 

i am presently in cognitive therapy where i am closely examining my life and learning different ways to see and deal with things - cognitive therapy can be very useful when you are trying to rebuild your life.

 

 

[[TP...]]

I just took 1 mg to make up for the loss the past two days, and I shall remain on 4 mg for the foreseeable future. I don't know if I will ever get off these blasted things but I have to stabilize for a while. If my therapist hadn't emailed me this morning I would've stayed stubborn and tried to push through at 3.5 but I just don't think I'm up to it. A light switch needs replacing in our bathroom; a trivial task for me in the past; and I just can't make myself do it. I feel frozen. It's that flight, fight or freeze thing. I can't run, I can’t fight (make things happen), so I freeze in the muck and mire of my life.

 

So I am looking for advice on how to procceed with my taper. You suggested I take a month off and I know that helped last summer when I did so. So that's what I'm gongg to do for now.

 

GABA powder? No, anything that will prevent me from healing I must avoid at all costs. People don't understand why I am in such a hurry but the money won't last forever and if I can't even change a light switch, how will I handle the really big issues?

 

I do keep an Excel Spreadsheet that I started a few weeks ago. I wish I had started that a lot earlier. Music? When I am withdrawing I can't listen to music - it just sounds like a discordant cacophony of noise. During windows I love music. Too bloody cold for long walks. I take my dog out round the block and get in as soon as I can.

 

I went for CBT - didn't help me.  That may be a reflection on me - or not. They don't take into account the fact that we are in withdrawal and they dismiss it as irrelevent. That turned me off completely.

 

Thanks "Silver" - do YOU have a nickname I can use? Or it that it?

 

Tony

[[si...]]

thats it tony - silver - many forums i am on call me that even when i tell them my real name - i rarely use my real name unless i met people or speak to them on the phone - for public purposes it is silver.

 

and gee i really like the name silver - so it seems comfortable for people to call me that.

 

i am not trying to discourage you from tapering - just at a much more reasonable rate.

 

few of us on this forum do our taper w/o supplements - but gaba powder seems to be controversial.  other things less controversial are chamomile tea, valerian hops (not to be used non stop for more then a month) in tea form saint johns word - lemon balm - passion flower - calms forte.  ampersand is really good at picking things out - but he is away now.

 

you may want to read his posts - he went cold turkey - not recommended - but he is kind of an old hand at this - he uses many supplements.

 

then there is a breathing exercise  use when in a fit of anxiety - if you are interested.

 

i have about 20 classical music cd's on my desk - classical can be very relaxing.

 

i went thru a long period of time were i was emotional frozen -

[[TP...]]

thats it tony - silver - many forums i am on call me that even when i tell them my real name - i rarely use my real name unless i met people or speak to them on the phone - for public purposes it is silver.

 

and gee i really like the name silver - so it seems comfortable for people to call me that.

 

i am not trying to discourage you from tapering - just at a much more reasonable rate.

 

few of us on this forum do our taper w/o supplements - but gaba powder seems to be controversial.  other things less controversial are chamomile tea, valerian hops (not to be used non stop for more then a month) in tea form saint johns word - lemon balm - passion flower - calms forte.  ampersand is really good at picking things out - but he is away now.

 

you may want to read his posts - he went cold turkey - not recommended - but he is kind of an old hand at this - he uses many supplements.

 

then there is a breathing exercise  use when in a fit of anxiety - if you are interested.

 

i have about 20 classical music cd's on my desk - classical can be very relaxing.

 

i went thru a long period of time were i was emotional frozen -

 

I am just so darned scared. I was so determined to get off by March ... Dragging it out so much longer just really depresses me. How will I ever get back to work?

[[si...]]

yea - well i know you heard this before - it is not a race - keep your eye on your goal and keep the faith

[[TP...]]

yea - well i know you heard this before - it is not a race - keep your eye on your goal and keep the faith

 

Well it seems like I am stabilizing at 4 mg now. Had a very good day today. So now I plan to give myself a week or two, get some important stuff done, and then consider how to proceed. What a relief!

http://www.freedominmessiah.com/wakka%20wakka.gif

Tony

[[si...]]

put in a journal - you may have to pull it out for another cut to remind yourself that yep it does get better.

[[TP...]]

put in a journal - you may have to pull it out for another cut to remind yourself that yep it does get better.

 

I have both a journal and a spreadsheet I started about a month ago and I keep it as up-to-date as I can ... not always easy though when one in in the depths of withdrawals. I have a couple days this week I simply forgot to keep it up. I like when I forget to read the paper. Then I know I'm really feeling better because I had other things to do.

[[el...]]

Hi Tony,

so good to hear you had a good day today!

[[TP...]]

Hi Tony,

so good to hear you had a good day today!

 

Thanks Eljay. It feels good.

[[si...]]

tony it is official something is wrong with my puter - chat does not work for me.

 

i noticed you are still signed into chat - you have to click the red circle in the upper right to exit - if you don't then people will think you are still in there and not talking to them.

 

it is user friendly but not perfect.

[[TP...]]

tony it is official something is wrong with my puter - chat does not work for me.

 

i noticed you are still signed into chat - you have to click the red circle in the upper right to exit - if you don't then people will think you are still in there and not talking to them.

 

it is user friendly but not perfect.

 

Yeah I figgered it was something like that. Actually I leave it logged in as I am home most of the time and I'd love to chat if anyone were ever there. I see Pebbles checked in while I was out for a short while. Other than that I didn't miss anyone. I'd have loved to chat with her. Oh well.

[[bl...]]

Hey Tony,

 

  I checked into the chat room one time. It was so spooky I got out of there asap. LOL.  It was like being in cyber limbo. Chatting on threads is much nicer. 

 

  Glad to here that you are getting stable on your valium again.  It won't be long until you are ready to cut again.  You are on a pretty low dose now and soon you will be able to kiss it goodby forever. Doesn't that sound great?  Sweet dreams.

 

 

XXXXX

Christine/BlueMoth

 

 

[[TP...]]

Hey Tony,

 

   I checked into the chat room one time. It was so spooky I got out of there asap. LOL.  It was like being in cyber limbo. Chatting on threads is much nicer. 

 

   Glad to here that you are getting stable on your valium again.  It won't be long until you are ready to cut again.  You are on a pretty low dose now and soon you will be able to kiss it goodby forever. Doesn't that sound great?  Sweet dreams.

 

 

XXXXX

Christine/BlueMoth

 

Hi Christine,

 

Oh it does sound great, but it won't be nearly as soon as I would like. I still have to stabilize where I'm at though. I'm still feeling a certain level of anxiety and physical stress. I'm assuming it will clear up soon. I'm convinced that the cessation of Neurontin contributed to this being a more severe and prolonged w/d episode than is customary, so I can't be sure that this will all pan out like it has in the past, but I have to hope it will. Need a clear non-anxious window right now so I can get some important stuff done.

 

There was a family party this evening and I had to leave because I couldn't stand the stimulation, not to mention all the drinking and revelry. Then I got home and slept most of the evening away. Benzo fatigue? Beats me.

 

Oh well.

[[bl...]]

Hi tony,

 

    One think I found in my taper is that half the battle is a mental one.  I had an incredibly hard time getting under 5 mg, which was my starting dose on this miserable drug.  Then I hit another wall at getting under 3.  I think I had a hard time physically because I had to push through that "I can't" mental barrier. I had to force myself to believe "I can", instead of "I can't".  I know that this is what is keeping my sister so drugged up on all her psych meds and valium.  Getting off meds like valium and AD's is like pulling a security blanket away from a baby.  It was in my case anyway.  I am still clutching that last shred, but am just about ready to let go for good.

 

  Believe me, you will stabilize on your dose and you will get a window. I hope it is soon.  TC.

 

  XXXXX

  Christine/BlueMoth

[[TP...]]

Hi tony,

 

    One think I found in my taper is that half the battle is a mental one.  I had an incredibly hard time getting under 5 mg, which was my starting dose on this miserable drug.  Then I hit another wall at getting under 3.  I think I had a hard time physically because I had to push through that "I can't" mental barrier. I had to force myself to believe "I can", instead of "I can't".  I know that this is what is keeping my sister so drugged up on all her psych meds and valium.  Getting off meds like valium and AD's is like pulling a security blanket away from a baby.  It was in my case anyway.  I am still clutching that last shred, but am just about ready to let go for good.

 

   Believe me, you will stabilize on your dose and you will get a window. I hope it is soon.  TC.

 

  XXXXX

  Christine/BlueMoth

 

Yes, right now stabilizing on my dose is the primary concern. When I have a full-on window I lose my fear/anxiety and start getting comfortable inside my own skin. That hasn't happened yet. While I am having no specific w/d s/x other than muscle pain, I am still counting every minute, clock watching all the time, and just not quite loosening up.

 

I was so determined that I would follow my taper plan to the end. I didn't think I'd have to worry about getting over any barriers, but apart from everything else, I found no comfort at Benzo Island. In fact, all their "success stories" did was frightened me even more. So here I am stuck, and not sure where I go from here. It's the start of my day, we slept in, and I can say I don't feel horrible. I just hope I start looking forward to the day soon.

 

Interesting statistic I got from my brother. Apparently there was a study done in Cornwall, England about this: "Did you know that well over 90% of benzo addicts are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when or if they go to a shrink? This magically disappears when off of them or when you can control the dose."

 

I hope this magic disappearing act takes place for me and I can start to live again.

 

Nice hearing from you!

 

Tony

[[si...]]

makes sense to me - did cornel know that 90% of all benzo addicts are pretty much in constant withdrawal

 

i have been labeled bi-polar, depressed, borderline (one year ago) thats when i crossed a border and became enraged. and who knows what else - oh yea one shrink here said i was extremely manipulative - actually what i was is unwilling to play games and ready to get on with things.

 

now the therapist i am seeing (who thought i might need medication when i first met him) now thinks i am self aware and doing well without drugs.

 

doctors are forced to fit us into billing codes - they don't have a billing code for progressive development i don't even think they are trained in helping us live up to our potential.

 

i don't have a guru nor am i religious so i depend on therapy to develop myself that and sometimes sugar or hollandaise sauce.

[[TP...]]

Did cornel know that 90% of all benzo addicts are pretty much in constant withdrawal

 

That's a statement of fact not a question right? God, I hope I get past this and can get my life back together again.

 

i have been labeled bi-polar, depressed, borderline (one year ago) thats when i crossed a border and became enraged. and who knows what else - oh yea one shrink here said i was extremely manipulative - actually what i was is unwilling to play games and ready to get on with things.

 

They tried a variety of diagnoses on me too. Never said BPD but I suspect they thought it. I so very badly want to be well.

 

now the therapist i am seeing (who thought i might need medication when i first met him) now thinks i am self aware and doing well without drugs.

 

That's awesome.

 

doctors are forced to fit us into billing codes - they don't have a billing code for progressive development i don't even think they are trained in helping us live up to our potential.

 

i don't have a guru nor am i religious so i depend on therapy to develop myself that and sometimes sugar or hollandaise sauce.

 

I'd have to say I have a religious impulse, but though all of this I have felt abandoned by the Creator (I do believe in creation, though not necessarily the way it is taught in churches) and I often wonder if he/they abandoned us permanently to go off and make something better. You have to admit, if we were "created" there are some pretty big design flaws. http://www.freedominmessiah.com/lol.gif

[[si...]]

yes tony we do build up a tolerance that can only be partially received by our next dose - when you begin your taper you are made much more aware of it.

 

many of us came here because our doctors threatened to cut us off or the drugs stopped working - otherwise there would be no other reason to stop.

 

and as for the last part - we are fighting an addiction - some faith is required even if that faith is only in ourselves.

 

when things seem darkest - that is when blind faith is required - that is what got me thru - doesn't have to be religious but you have to have faith in yourself that no matter how hard it is - you will see it thru.

 

maybe i doubt if i can ever split a post - but i knew - i just knew i would get off these drugs.

 

now it required dedication and soul searching and determination on my part but i was comitted

[[TP...]]

The hardest part is that I did fail to get off in 2005 and I've lost so much confidence in myself in the intervening period. But I can't give up. What else would I do? I am counting on getting off these blasted things in order to get my "self" back. You see, I've lost myself and don't know who I am anymore. I can't just "be" now ... I'm always clock watching. And I hate that!

 

BTW: You entered your last post twice. Perhaps you might like to delete one of the repeats? Up to you.

 

Oh yes, and you certainly don't seem nutty to me! You are stable and consistent from what I've seen. I envy you. 

[[si...]]

tony i lost myself to - but i remembered that i was hard headed - i remembered that i was determined and i remembered that i was unique and saw thru shams at one time.

 

and i looked at my shrink and i knew they were a sham and i was strong and i acted on my knowledge and trusted that strength would get me thru until i became who i really was.

 

i told my doctors "i am strong - i am very very strong" - now i did not feel strong as i said that but i knew it was true.  although they may have doubted that statement they knew that they were looking at someone that would walk thru the gates of hell on shear determination alone - and tony i did - we all do or we would not be here.

[[TP...]]

tony i lost myself to - but i remembered that i was hard headed - i remembered that i was determined and i remembered that i was unique and saw thru shams at one time.

 

and i looked at my shrink and i knew they were a sham and i was strong and i acted on my knowledge and trusted that strength would get me thru until i became who i really was.

 

i told my doctors "i am strong - i am very very strong" - now i did not feel strong as i said that but i knew it was true.  although they may have doubted that statement they knew that they were looking at someone that would walk thru the gates of hell on shear determination alone - and tony i did - we all do or we would not be here.

 

Well, I always believed myself to be strong. My strength of will was always a defining characteristic of my peronality. I just hope the challenges before me aren't too much to overcome. Only time will tell. It's just so disappointing to have been set back like this when I got down to 3.5 mg Valium. I was SO determined not to give in to the w/d s/x.

[[si...]]

tony it is important to realize that at times it is hard - it is you determination and a belief that will keep you going so - just keep on walking.

 

and i am here to tell you it gets sooooo very much better - you will return to who you were before this all started

[[TP...]]

tony it is important to realize that at times it is hard - it is you determination and a belief that will keep you going so - just keep on walking.

 

and i am here to tell you it gets sooooo very much better - you will return to who you were before this all started

 

Aw .. thanks. I can't wait! 

http://www.freedominmessiah.com/bo_hand_peace_ani.gif

You know what sucks?  I was in hospital for CBT and they kept telling me I'll never be what I was. "It is what it is!" they would say. Grrr!

 

[[si...]]

what is CBT

 

well maybe you won't be what you were - maybe you will be  B E T T E R