15.5 months, MASSIVE ACUTE WAVE- Please help...

[[NY...]]

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=84857.290

 

This one helped today.

 

Hi Nomo.  One of my favorites.  I almost have it memorized, I've read it so many times.

 

Ruby, congratulations on getting off after long-term use.  The pain and confusion from being poly-drugged for 16 years, thinking I was just decompensating mentally and destined to a life of suffering, was the greatest injury of all.  Once I started to taper and realized those symptoms I had been experiencing were from the drugs, there was no looking back.  To offer some hope, around .125mg I started to really "feel the healing", and generally the lower in dose I got, the better I felt.  Good luck to you!

 

Luke, no need to apologize for venting, and very cool you write fantasy novels (big sci-fi geek here).  Hope you're getting some relief tonight.

 

All the best to everyone reading.

WR

[[pr...]]

NYCWaveRider,

Your recent posts have been gold.  Thanks for the encouragement.

 

Luke,

I echo NYC’s comment- no need to apologize.  We ALL understand. 

 

So Buddies, guess what?

Today I feel stronger than I have ever felt- when I move, lift things, you name it.  Something is changing.  My mind is getting clearer, my exercise was WAY better than it has been this morning.  I’m laughing!  I’m crying!  I haven’t cried in so long and I watched a movie trailer this morning, and it came out naturally like it normally would (movies move me).  My sense of humor is coming back in strides.  The weird thing is- I slept horribly last night.  This shift started two days ago- as you folks know, right after or at the tail end of the massive wave that brought on this post.

 

So, what does that tell me?  As one excellent poster said a while back: The windows tell the truth.  The waves lie.  It is a fact that this breakthrough has come directly on the heels of that massive wave.  I don’t feel like it’s done yet, but something big is going on.  I can feel it.

 

A few interesting things of note- again, I want to document this for others down the road.

 

As things started to shift from death wave to this new feeling (it’s hard to describe, it’s not a full window per se), I got really hot, almost like hot flashes, and felt like my body was revving kind of like a furnace.  I also felt this in my head.  My head would get hot and there would sometimes be anxiety, but it wasn’t really anxiety.  Again, it’s hard to describe.  It’s a new feeling.  I have had some what I call the “AAAAHHHH” brain anxiety, where it actually feels like my body wants to scream and I literally hear that sound in my head, off and on.  But it’s real fast, as in 1-3 seconds fast, and then gone. 

 

My take on this- it seems like my body is well, like a furnace, gearing up.  Turning on.  Kicking things up a notch.  I do feel like I’ve had some coffee or something at times.  Then, I feel this healing feeling.  I forgot to mention that.  I can feel my muscles and symptoms kind of come on like a shade, as if the clouds are passing (it’s not extreme like before, it’s almost like a slight tension), and then poof, it swings to a wonderful relaxed feeling.  Yeah, I just said that word- relaxed.  What’s that?  I can tell that my mind is clearing too.  It gets very quiet.  It’s almost odd, but it feels really good. 

 

I’m interested to see what’s next.  I’m not going to over do it.  OH, THE TEMPTATION to do more!  It almost got me.  But, I’m not playing with this.  Wisdom is this- my body is in flux and I need to allow it to heal, use energy at will, and not hinder the process.

 

Hope you are having a good day and if not- that you aren’t giving up.

 

We’re going to make it.

[[pr...]]

How’s every doing?

 

I’m getting slammed right now.  Was doing a three day on, three day off or so. 

 

Last two days have been very difficult.  Brain anxiety, agitation, benzo flu- the gang’s all here.  Usually don’t have depression, but that’s here as well.  It’s odd because these waves at this stage are so exhausting mentally.  Just feels like I’m not going to heal and it’s never going to end. 

 

Nervous system is super sensitive.  Praying for some relief.  Hope you guys and gals are well.

[[br...]]

 

Now into my 12th day of riding the wave from Hell . All of the usual suspects and the new treat of the 'Mad Hatter's Tea Party ' at night with insomnia , muscle and nerve pain , burning , anxiety and blah, blah, blah. It all seems endless and at this stage of the game crazy, and more than a little worrying . But after reading endless buddie posts on just this thing I have come to the conclusion that it's just a part of the non linear madness of it all, and the only thing we can really do is accept that time will really be the healer.,and that while we wait we just have to cope , cope, and then cope some more.

[[NY...]]

Hi Rabbit.  Sorry to hear you're still struggling.  Here too, quite badly  :'( :'(.  Indeed all we can do is cope and make it through another day. 

 

Has anyone read success stories where people have been slammed acute-like this far out, only to be healed shortly thereafter?  I'd sure like to read some.  Starting to feel quite hopeless here.

 

Sending strength,

WR

[[Ne...]]

NYWR, Rabbit, Pressing,

I’m in the rabbit hole with you guys😢 and I’m having a hard time. I agree that reading some stories on healing this far out would help. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around this kind of healing!

It seems like there’s fewer good days and more bad days, with anxiety and insomnia being the worst. Last night couldn’t get to sleep until 4 am.

Are the brain cells really healing? It’s hard not to get depressed...

Agreed we have to cope...there is no other choice!

New Girl

[[NY...]]

Hi NG!  So sorry you're still in the thick of this wave.  I'll hunt around for some hopeful success stories today, see what I can dig up.  We are healing, I know that.  I think back to December when I was travelling to see my family for the holidays, and I felt healed, even better than 100%.  Since then it's been cruel and wavy for me... not sure why, but trying to stay hopeful. 

 

Which is hard b/c...dun dun dun...I had another seizure three days ago during a really bad wave :'(.  Thankfully my husband was with me when it happened again. I didn't want to write about it on BB b/c I know it scares people to read, so disclaimer!!>>> I had them when I was a tot, and was even on anti-seizure meds, but they took me off of everything when I was four and I never had one again, until 4(ish) months off K.  This is my third since being in withdrawal, and I can only assume that my seizure threshold is much lower than most people.  I'm scared.

 

Hang in there guys.

WR

 

 

 

 

[[Ho...]]

NYC you sure you didn't have alcohol around xmas? In the food or anything? That would do it. I had a two week window around then and found out there was tons of alcohol in the food I had. Haven't been the same since.

[[NY...]]

NYC you sure you didn't have alcohol around xmas? In the food or anything? That would do it. I had a two week window around then and found out there was tons of alcohol in the food I had. Haven't been the same since.

 

Hi hootie.  Thanks for reaching out.  Yes, positive alcohol has not crossed my lips.  I've gotten really good windows like this one before too.  Feel almost healed, then plunged back into hell.

 

Sorry you've been having a tough spell too.

 

WR

[[al...]]

NYC you sure you didn't have alcohol around xmas? In the food or anything? That would do it. I had a two week window around then and found out there was tons of alcohol in the food I had. Haven't been the same since.

 

Hi hootie.  Thanls for reaching out.  Yes, positive alcohol has not crossed my lips.  I've gotten really good windows like this one before too.  Feel almost healed, then plunged back into hell.

 

Sorry you've been having a tough spell too.

 

WR

 

Maybe long travelling did it?

[[NY...]]

NYC you sure you didn't have alcohol around xmas? In the food or anything? That would do it. I had a two week window around then and found out there was tons of alcohol in the food I had. Haven't been the same since.

 

Hi hootie.  Thanls for reaching out.  Yes, positive alcohol has not crossed my lips.  I've gotten really good windows like this one before too.  Feel almost healed, then plunged back into hell.

 

Sorry you've been having a tough spell too.

 

WR

 

Maybe long travelling did it?

 

Really, no clue.  I'm a windows and waves healer, and try to find culprits, but just not sure.  I get windows sometimes in the evening that show me this is withdrawal.  Just the way it's unfolding apparently.  WR

[[al...]]

I screwed myself during December with 1 pill of paracetamol while I was feeling much better 6 months off. The result was disastrous. I'm still suffering a lot and symptoms are even more persistent now. If I knew what that 1 pill would do to me, I would rather cut my hands off than put that in my mouth.

[[NY...]]

I screwed myself during December with 1 pill of paracetamol while I was feeling much better 6 months off. The result was disastrous. I'm still suffering a lot and symptoms are even more persistent now. If I knew what that 1 pill would do to me, I would rather cut my hands off than put that in my mouth.

 

I'm so sorry.  It's unbelievable how reactive our systems become.  My family wanted me to take anti-seizure meds as a precaution and I told them I'd rather die from this than be poisoned further.  What a cruel ride this is.  Hang in there buddies.

[[Fl...]]

This thread scares me to death... I'm 71 days out and in the depths of hell with these w/d symptoms... to hear you can have all of this that far out... just what. the. heck.

 

Suicidal ideation through the roof at the moment

[[Ho...]]

Be very careful about what you put in your mouth. That's the most important thing to healing.

[[NY...]]

This thread scares me to death... I'm 71 days out and in the depths of hell with these w/d symptoms... to hear you can have all of this that far out... just what. the. heck.

 

Suicidal ideation through the roof at the moment

 

Hang in there.  Death is certainly not the answer to a condition with a 100% positive outcome.  Also most people seem to recover between 6-18 months, so the odds are on your side that this will be behind you soon.  Tons of success stories with folks feeling better before the 1 year mark, that I encourage you to read. 

 

To all - I had a nice window today to help reset my hope-clock.  Hope you guys are getting some relief also.

 

WR

[[Fa...]]

This thread scares me to death... I'm 71 days out and in the depths of hell with these w/d symptoms... to hear you can have all of this that far out... just what. the. heck.

 

Suicidal ideation through the roof at the moment

 

Flux, we are a mere days apart in regards to when we took our last Benzo. We've got this!!  Time is going to go by one way or another. we have to keep our head as high as possible and be gentle with ourselves.  Please, know you are ateong enough to do this. You have support. You are not alone! 

We also need to realize that very few people who recover quickly even find this board. And people who took benzos for less time also don't find this board as often. We are a minority. You can see that simply by trying to search for short term users and by comparing the stats of who is here.  There are always exceptions in either end of a spectrum. Do not awfulize. Trust me I know how easy it is to awfulize and my anxiety rages when I read of some stories here.  But even in most of those cases they ultimately heal.

You also don't know extenuating circumstances Luke did a person drink or do other things to make their healing slower? Sure, they can say they haven't but we don't know the truth. The only truth we know is our own.  Don't compare your timeline and symptoms to someone else's.  Your journey will be yours and I pray it is fast and swift and that you are back to playing music and being creative quickly.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option.

[[pr...]]

Buddies,

I’m getting slammed.  I’m scared.  I have no idea why it’s hitting me this hard.  I had a great morning.  Like relaxed.  Felt pretty good- almost no symptoms at all.  At 1130, this super anxiety, rage monster, feel like I was injected with 18 cups of coffee wave came on.  I’ve wanted to scratch my skin off all day, the physical stuff comes and goes, but the mental are excruciating.  I feel like I’m being tortured.  It goes to anxiety, then depression, then rage, in like a matter of minutes.  I haven’t felt this horrible since the beginning.  I keep running though my head “Is it the electrolytes?  The CBD?”  “What did I do?”  It was really weird because it started off with this odd electrical feeling in my head, then it went down my spine and my legs.  Felt like a switch or something.  I’ve felt SUPER KEYED UP all day.  Did you guys having any adrenaline rushes around this time?  I believe today might be 16 months for me.  But, all day long, intrusive thoughts- but the rage.  I feel like the Hulk.  I’ve been on the treadmill three times, cleaned out my closet.  Still here.  It’s one of those times where I want to reinstate, or just Old Yeller me.  Please help with advice.  I’m scared that this is my lot.  I don’t understand it at all.  It’s like my whole system, adrenals, whatever, is going crazy right now.  I have just about every symptom rotating like a slot machine, one then the other, gone.  Super fast. 

 

PS, I am aware this is a wave talking.  It’s how it feels.  Has to be a lie.

 

Edit

I should note that there were a few times when I felt like it was going to go away, out of nowhere.  Was like this whole body healing feeling.  Then gone.  I’ve also had this super strong chemical electric feeling in my head and nerves all day.  At times, it feels like someone is trying to throw the master switch on, but it weighs thousands of pounds, and it’s taking all the power on the grid.  I’ve also had strong joy and happiness come in, out of nowhere, then slammed shut.  And also this feeling like I can take on the world, get in my car, and go do everything I used to- like no problem.  It is SO ODD.

[[Fa...]]

I wish I knew more to help you but what I can say is that I just today read two different posts about healing (I read a lot of success stories) and what they said was that right before they were healed they went through a really bad wave. One was very descriptive and described what you said about the electric like feeling and the "switch". I wish I knew who wrote it or where I saw it but it sounded identical to what you described. I will say some prayers that you sleep deeply tonight and wake up immensely better.

[[pr...]]

FakeIt

Oh friend, I really hope so... I just added an edit to my last post and said the exact thing you just stated. 

 

Part of me wants to say- Is this it?  Am I nearing the finish line?!!  Is this the master switch coming... on it’s way soon?  I got an email from a guy the other day, who at 19 months had this exact thing happen.  And he slept in about 3 hours longer that morning, got up, and it was as if the switch was thrown.

 

It was gone. 

[[Fa...]]

That would be amazing! I hope it happens for you soon. Just keep your face to the sun and know eventually it will happen.

[[br...]]

 

Pressing , I just checked Baylissa's wonderful book and I saw that she had a massive and long wave just before her recovery at around two and a half years . This seems to be quite common and naturally freaks people out.

 

The truth has to be that for some people recovery is nice and linear . Waves and windows with no real flare ups just a steady progression towards healing. However for many of us it's just a crazy ride of swings and roundabouts , and it's awful . Not only are we dealing with the miserable symptoms , we are dealing with the constant worry and doubt about what is happening to us.

 

Hang in there . All we can do is to take it one day at a time and remember that recovery will happen.

 

 

[[pr...]]

Braverabbit,

Thank you so much for taking the time to do that.  You are awesome.  And I greatly appreciate the encouragement.  You BB’s are the best.

[[He...]]

I have a question about waves and windows... Do the waves get less intense the further out we get? Or do the waves stay about the same but the windows get longer and more clear? Because I have to say, at 10 months out my waves every 2-3 weeks look very similar to acute..

[[lo...]]

Hellbutrin:

wellbutrin is not a benzo? I don't think many people on this forum have any exp. with this drug?

looking at your sig....not seeing a benzo?

I have a question about waves and windows... Do the waves get less intense the further out we get? Or do the waves stay about the same but the windows get longer and more clear? Because I have to say, at 10 months out my waves every 2-3 weeks look very similar to acute..