15.5 months, MASSIVE ACUTE WAVE- Please help...

[[He...]]

Hellbutrin:

wellbutrin is not a benzo? I don't think many people on this forum have any exp. with this drug?

looking at your sig....not seeing a benzo?

I have a question about waves and windows... Do the waves get less intense the further out we get? Or do the waves stay about the same but the windows get longer and more clear? Because I have to say, at 10 months out my waves every 2-3 weeks look very similar to acute..

 

No, Wellbutrin is an antidepressant. But I was taking it for anxiety, and the mechanism of action is very similar to benzos, and the withdrawal looks almost the same.

[[NY...]]

Hey guys.  Hope everyone is getting some relief. 

 

Some GOOD NEWS: when I woke (after 8 hours uninterrupted!) sleep yesterday, my 4(ish) month wave had broken, and I've noticed a lot of improvements to my baseline, some huge stuff.  It's hard to believe when we're in it, but those waves really are signs of healing.

 

Overnight my benzo bloat left.  This isn't the first time, but it's been a while.  No bloat, no matter what I eat.  I also have normal BMs for the first time in 3.5 years (sorry TMI ). 

 

Another biggie is sleeping through the night for 2 days in a row now.  I wake feeling rested, and even remember my dreams.

 

Those are the two most dramatic changes, but there's subtle stuff too.  Just feeling more like myself, clear-headed, present.  I'm really hoping this is the final stretch and the sleep and GI sxs never return, fingers crossed.

 

Just a little further buddies.  Keep going!

 

Love,

WR

[[Kl...]]

Hey guys.  Hope everyone is getting some relief. 

 

Some GOOD NEWS: when I woke (after 8 hours uninterrupted!) sleep yesterday, my 4(ish) month wave had broken, and I've noticed a lot of improvements to my baseline, some huge stuff.  It's hard to believe when we're in it, but those waves really are signs of healing.

 

Overnight my benzo bloat left.  This isn't the first time, but it's been a while.  No bloat, no matter what I eat.  I also have normal BMs for the first time in 3.5 years (sorry TMI ). 

 

Another biggie is sleeping through the night for 2 days in a row now.  I wake feeling rested, and even remember my dreams.

 

Those are the two most dramatic changes, but there's subtle stuff too.  Just feeling more like myself, clear-headed, present.  I'm really hoping this is the final stretch and the sleep and GI sxs never return, fingers crossed.

 

Just a little further buddies.  Keep going!

 

Love,

WR

 

 

Good news!

 

I've had something similar the past couple weeks. Still have some crappy sx on waking, and occasional waves, but overall feeling much more clear headed and normal.. hopefully it is the final stretch for us both!

[[2t...]]

I'm following this thread, no input today but it is interesting to read about people in the same withdrawal situation as me.

 

2trusting

[[So...]]

Hey guys.  Hope everyone is getting some relief. 

 

Some GOOD NEWS: when I woke (after 8 hours uninterrupted!) sleep yesterday, my 4(ish) month wave had broken, and I've noticed a lot of improvements to my baseline, some huge stuff.  It's hard to believe when we're in it, but those waves really are signs of healing.

 

Overnight my benzo bloat left.  This isn't the first time, but it's been a while.  No bloat, no matter what I eat.  I also have normal BMs for the first time in 3.5 years (sorry TMI ). 

 

Another biggie is sleeping through the night for 2 days in a row now.  I wake feeling rested, and even remember my dreams.

 

Those are the two most dramatic changes, but there's subtle stuff too.  Just feeling more like myself, clear-headed, present.  I'm really hoping this is the final stretch and the sleep and GI sxs never return, fingers crossed.

 

Just a little further buddies.  Keep going!

 

Love,

WR

 

 

Ahhhhhh I'm so so happy for you that is amazing!! Hopefully my two month wave will end soon and I can feel the same!!

[[pr...]]

NYC and Klungo,

 

Yes!  Awesome news!  I rejoice with you both.  That’s so exciting.  I’ve been in the thickest benzo flu wave for 4 days straight now with barely any relief.  The benzo belly is at its worst since the beginning and I’ve got benzoria (TMI).  BUT, I’m positive that it’s a wave and I’m riding it out.  This feels like a massive upgrade.  I’ve been getting brain zaps, hot flashes again, and it feels like my hormones are rebalancing and things are turning on.  There has been some strong chemical anxiety in this wave, particularly on the first day, that felt like hot lava in my head.  The agitation was super strong, but everything felt hot- again like things turning on.  My dreams have been crazy and my body wants to sleep a lot.  So glad you two are rockin’ improvements and hope!  I’m hoping this is my last wave, as I’ve said.  It feels like a home-stretcher.  We’ll see.

 

Enjoy the day!

 

Going to start putting quick summations at the end of some of my posts that may be helpful to others later down the road- Currently 16 months to the day.  Thick wave.  Benzo flu and fatigue being the strongest symptom.  Benzo belly, diarrhea, nausea, blurry vision, muscle fatigue, and chemical brain anxiety are also prominent.  Good stuff- get small windows every 10 or so minutes.  Have some times when all the symptoms recede and I feel good.  Is almost incredible to me to go from “I feel like I have cancer” sickly to that in a matter of a moment.  I do feel like this will never end, and that I will never heal.  That’s a feeling- just because it’s gone on long.  I see healing.  Whoever is reading, don’t give up.

[[br...]]

 

No don't give up . Everything can change for good in a N.Y. minute. I had a good day yesterday , but today is pretty bad with the usual side effects. The worst symptom is the feeling of poison running through my veins. Pin pricks , pain and burning . there is also that queer restless body sensation. Everything feels tightly wound up. It starts in my head and runs through my body.

 

 

[[Kl...]]

Yeah I had the worst day in 2 weeks. I guess I should be thankful the really terrible days are not so common now, but it still takes you to your knees and makes you question healing. After having a great day yesterday for most of it. A good 24 hours feeling close to healed. We press on..

[[NY...]]

Thank you all so much for the cheer-leading and well wishes!  Unfortunately I dipped right back into a severe wave yesterday thinking I was going to die, BUT today had another window, and the good changes seem to be hanging around. Sleeping deeply through the night, and belly stuff is a-okay.  Also something big -  I've always fallen into a bad wave around 11AM-2PM like clock work every day for the last 2 years, but instead I'm getting a WINDOW at that time.  It's bizarre, but I'm just happy to see change.

 

Sorry some of you are hurting with scary waves, benzo flu, etc.  Just a bit longer to endure buddies, and we'll be on the other side of this soon. 

 

I really hope we keep this thread going.  It's been so comforting to hear from you guys.  This can be such a scary and lonesome journey.

 

Love to all,

WR

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[pr...]]

Seriously, I love this group.  You guys and gals are so awesome.

 

BraveRabbit,

I’ve had that stupid poisoned feeling this whole 4 day benzo flu wave!  I have to say, it is, yet again, comforting to hear that I’m not alone.  I told my wife today that it gets so discouraging.  I start to think, “Man, do I have cancer- am I dying?” 

 

NYC,

Just like you said... the wave kicks back in and you feel like you’re dying.  I am still in awe of how this happens.  This feeling of being like a wilted, poisoned flower- as if dropped into a chemical bath, and being sucked of life.  And then, POOF!  LOL.  It’s so bizarre. 

 

Klungo, (Wow, autocorrect didn’t call you Klingon!)

You’re gonna make it!

 

Love this gang.  It really does seem like we are on similar ground.  I’m also thankful that we’re able to bless some others who are jumping on for the ride here.

[[So...]]

We all have to make it, everybody does and there is no evidence that we don't all heal, I am truly so sad today and feeling like I can't go on suffering like this anymore because this isn't a life. I thought I was healed, I had four glorious months without symptoms and then to be slammed back into hell like this for the past two months is almost more than I can bare. I am so so hoping maybe this wave will end and I'll be healed or at least closer, I'll be 13 months out this month. I'm 25 and I feel like I've lost the last two years of my life to this medication and the thought of losing anymore is truly too much to think about.

[[lo...]]

it is so funny how many of us have similar experiences. i was doing so well month 12-16, and last 2 months have been a rollercoaster. I *never* know what the next day will bring.

I do kind of wake up scared, sometimes surprised how amazing I feel for the day, hopeful for the next day, and next day is hell again. it is hard to believe that this is still going on at month 18. people don't get it, even my wife is like 'you need some hobbies'.

 

[[2t...]]

We all have to make it, everybody does and there is no evidence that we don't all heal, I am truly so sad today and feeling like I can't go on suffering like this anymore because this isn't a life. I thought I was healed, I had four glorious months without symptoms and then to be slammed back into hell like this for the past two months is almost more than I can bare. I am so so hoping maybe this wave will end and I'll be healed or at least closer, I'll be 13 months out this month. I'm 25 and I feel like I've lost the last two years of my life to this medication and the thought of losing anymore is truly too much to think about.

 

I feel like it is some sort of cosmic torture game where we are shown the good life and just as we begin to think this might be it and enjoy life again we are once again thrust into hell.

 

2trusting

 

2trusting

[[...]]

HI BUDDIES,

 

I seem to be coming out of this 2 month wave.  Not much rhyme or reason.  The dizziness, fear, confusion, anxiety... all have released their grip.  I am able to walk and move again, and am able to make plans and hope.  I pray it continues.  I am trying to keep busy and and focus on bright things.  It is not entirely gone-- I can feel it lurking in the back of my head.  BUT in these times when in lightens a bit I seem to do well to RACE out into the light and get as far as I can. 

 

My prayers are for all of us-- for freedom and wide open spaces.

 

Nomo

[[Ne...]]

Hi there friends! Goodto see my old buddies and so glad to see the new ones here. Songbird, this is a good place. Everyone here is so supportive and encouraging. Please don’t be discouraged by the nonlinear healing of these crazy drugs. We’re all at different places, but as you can see we dip in and out of windows and waves. Know that you ARE going to heal completely! No one can say for sure the exact time that it will happen, but rest assured, it will! Patience, prayer and lots of grit are needed in this game. Hang in there and be encouraged by all the good stories, especially the Success Stories.

Hoping you all have a good weekend! Keep going soldiering on buddies.

❤️ New Girl

[[br...]]

 

Thanks New girl for the encouragement .

Soldiering on and trusting that healing is happening all the time is what we have to. 

So much of what we experience as mental and physical symptoms is not real . The agony and angst is happening because of the crazy re-wiring and fixing of receptors and neurons ,and a myriad of essentials that keep us well and happy. 

I like the following definition of 'Fear'  False experience appearing real.

 

Love y'all .

[[He...]]

 

Thanks New girl for the encouragement .

Soldiering on and trusting that healing is happening all the time is what we have to. 

So much of what we experience as mental and physical symptoms is not real . The agony and angst is happening because of the crazy re-wiring and fixing of receptors and neurons ,and a myriad of essentials that keep us well and happy. 

I like the following definition of 'Fear'  False experience appearing real.

 

Love y'all .

 

My concern is that my brain is going to “fix” itself the wrong way and I’ll be stuck like this.

[[pr...]]

Hey Buddies,

Great to see some new BB on this thread.  I overdid it yesterday and feel like I’ve been in a car wreck.  Any of you still have exercise intolerance?  I brought this up a while back, but- it really fires me up.  I love to exercise.  If I do just a bit too much, it revvs up the mental symptoms, physical stuff, my mood goes, my nerves get really jumpy and I feel wired and miserable.  To turn it positive- at least I can do something now.  I can walk for about a half a mile before I can tell it starts to be too much.  I can do this twice a day, for the most part.

 

Complete left turn here- thought I’d start a conversation about family / friends not understanding.  Thought it might be helpful, particularly that many of us are at the same spot and likely have had some similar experiences.  In short, it has been tough with my extended family.  My parents- I feel like they have checked out.  They seem like they don’t want to understand.  My mother has always been oppressive, and wants life to be rainbows and butterflies.  She’s always been about control.  So, the fact that she can’t see her granddaughter and do all the things that she plays up in her mind, she does what she’s always done- lash out and blame me.  My father, I have no idea.  He just stopped talking to me.  I know that people don’t understand, and it can be tough for them, but it still hurts.  I had another family member visit unannounced and proceed to tell me that I was making all of this up.  That was at 3 or so months off when it was really bad too.  I did all I could to send materials, etc.. The not so hilarious thing is- they could see my suffering.  The shaking, the way I couldn’t move, the countless other things.  But, they didn’t care.  They wanted to hold on to their own agenda.  It’s almost as if they would rather put their fingers in their ears and “la la la la” because it’s so much easier.  I’ve had to commit to not talking to them until I’m healed.  I can’t take the stress.  I’ve tried to open it back up with my parents, but every time, it blows up in my face.  When I tried a few months back, I caught my mom in a lie, and after confronting her, she lied two more times, directly to me.  Guess what I’m trying to say is- if you’ve experienced any of this, you’re not alone. 

 

Benzo withdrawal can be a very, very, lonely thing.  People can abandon us.  We start seeing things we never thought we would see.  Friends stop talking to us and can’t take the weight of what we are going through.  In some ways, it is understandable, as we can complain, vent, and run over our symptoms countless times.  At the same time, we know this is a symptom in and of itself, and have to be kind to ourselves when we fail to keep it together.  I’m all for courage and for fighting.  And I’m also all for grace and compassion.

 

Wherever you are today, as many have said in this thread, we have to keep the faith that we will heal.  At 16 months off, it feels pretty bleak.  I’m being honest.  That’s how I feel.  But that doesn’t make it true.  If I lived off of feelings, I’d be in big trouble.  Walking by faith, instead of sight, or emotions, really does become something that we are confronted with in withdrawal.  Someone tells you, from the other side “I’m healed, you will too!  I felt the same way- like I would never heal!  Keep going!”  It feels so far away at times.  But I can’t feel my heartbeat right now- doesn’t mean it isn’t there.  More so, doesn’t mean it isn’t close to me... even inside my chest.  Whatever you’re going through today, I feel for you.  And again, you’re not alone.  That’s so important.  You’re not alone.  We get it. 

 

Here’s to another day.  One day closer. 

[[br...]]

 

Yes pressing , everyday we can stay in the arena fighting the good fight brings us closer to the victory that will be our reward for the courage and endurance that somehow we have managed to make part of daily life.  We are brave beyond belief and I for one have so much admiration for those of us who battle daily.

 

It does get lonely .Many of us have dealt with family hostility , bullying from the medical profession and at the very least a lack of understanding. We have few resources to help with the complex process of recovery . Most of the time we are 'winging ' it , our only guides being the 'Ashton ' manual and the experiences of buddies who have walked the road before us. Can you imagine life without our wonderful B.B. community ? and our caring and well informed moderators.

 

The miracle is that all those in our special community either have recovered or will recover. Look at the history of the message boards and you will see an ever changing array of buddies at all stages of the recovery process. The only 'Cure ' seems to be time . Not pleasant to hear when symptoms are screaming and never ending .

[[NY...]]

Good to hear updates from you guys. Sorry I'm not able to respond to each of you. 

 

I appreciate the dialogue about navigating hurt/misunderstanding with family and friends.  For the most part, that's a topic I'm putting on the back burner until I'm completely out of the woods.  It's tough.  Some of my relationships are stronger than ever, while others I'm just completely dumbfounded by.  People just poof and left . 

 

Things are still looking up for me, even though I'm still in a wave. I truly feel "the end" is not too far off, but I know only TIME will tell.  I was trying to explain how I was feeling to a friend the other day, but it's hard to put into words. I feel better than I ever have, while at the same time have pretty strong and scary and annoying symptoms sometimes. They feel kind of 'on the surface' now, if that makes sense, and it seems more and more more plausible that I could just wake up tomorrow and be 100% well. Feeling more hopeful than ever, but still taking things day by day.

 

Hope everyone wakes to a nice open window.

 

Best to all,

WR

 

 

 

 

[[pr...]]

Hey Buddies,

 

I had a good few week stretch.  And... it's back.  I'm down for the count.  Currently at 16.5 months-

 

During the good stretch- Positive emotions getting stronger, laughing a lot more, feeling more like myself, doing a lot more without noticing it, watching movies / movement getting better, ability to feel more deeply, cry, and be moved, dreams during sleep are positive and enjoyable, thought I was "out of the woods" and possible near full healing.  Things that were still there and somewhat surprising- muscle stuff.  The evenings still pretty brutal- head pressure, oversensitive nervous system feeling, exercise intolerance (though I was able to do something during the good stretch), other stuff I can't remember because I'm in this wave.

 

Current wave- Horrible emotional swings.  Want to smash something.  Anger / rage shows up, then gone.  Moodiness and agitation.  Strong fatigue, benzo flu, this strong feeling of "GIVE ME THE XANAX!", like my body is crying out for it as if I just came off (which is so weird to me, but I've had this off on and even the last few months), chemical feelings, strange tastes (though not as bad as the beginning), intrusive thoughts (though different- they are really strong, but then there's this underlying clarity that I have that helps me to overcome it), sleep is broken and waking up 3 or so times a night, muscle weakness, twitching, limbs wanting to curl or slide when I walk- as in my arms wanting to twist or contort, my leg, particularly my left, will do this, then be gone, feeling as if I am dying or have cancer, strong chemical fear, particularly at night, heart palps, super benzo belly, nerve issues that go from my gut to my throat, acid reflux, and hitting the toilet like my body is detoxing.  T.M.I. but FYI. 

 

Ah... it's so tough, buddies!  The really weird thing is, I thought I was coming out of it yesterday, so I decided to exercise and go for a morning and evening walk- oh my goodness, I couldn't sleep.  After my last hell wave, it was up and up!  And now I feel like a huge troll has grabbed me and smashed me into the earth.  I want this to end so badly.  As I know you do as well.  Appreciate any encouragement and check-ins.  Appreciate you all.

[[...]]

Hi PressingOnward!

 

I am 19 months out.  I am coming out of a 2+ month wave.    It really does seem like after each wave there is profound healing and new insights and freedom.  I am learning slowly how to pace myself in windows, although there is something healing in rushing out with our new hope and powerful desire to LIVE.    I still do not have the clarity of mind to write descriptively the way you, NYCWaverider, and others have.  I am so thankful for the way you describe waves.  It makes me feel so much less alone.  I think the alienation brought on by the fear, physical symptoms, and the judgement and lack of understanding we endure is the real weapon used against us.  But no weapon formed against us will prevail.  We endure.  We persevere. 

 

And very soon, we will come out refined like gold, ready for the brilliant and peaceful purposes into which all this has been leading us.

 

The story isn't over.

 

LOVE and HOPE!!!

 

Nomo

[[pr...]]

Nomo,

Love it.  Great post!

 

QUESTION for you all-

Have you ever had the body freezing symptom?  Like your brain is not communicating with your body?  Sometimes I’ll get it as a brief full freeze, like I can’t move for a second.  Other times its the herky jerky limbs.  I never get it in a window.  Always in a wave.  I’ll be honest, it always scares me.  I know it is a Parkinson’s symptom and it feels so unnatural and weird when it happens.  It’s like the brain is caught up for a second and things aren’t running smoothly.  I’ve had it every day in this wave.  Most I’ve had it yet.  On a positive note- I had a super clear window last night around 6 pm, when I usually don’t feel well.  It was awesome.  Lasted for about a half an hour. 

 

Appreciate you all.

[[Th...]]

I've had that symptom for five weeks now but it's lasting hours or in the beginning all day. It's so scary.

[[So...]]

Hi PressingOnward!

 

I am 19 months out.  I am coming out of a 2+ month wave.    It really does seem like after each wave there is profound healing and new insights and freedom.  I am learning slowly how to pace myself in windows, although there is something healing in rushing out with our new hope and powerful desire to LIVE.    I still do not have the clarity of mind to write descriptively the way you, NYCWaverider, and others have.  I am so thankful for the way you describe waves.  It makes me feel so much less alone.  I think the alienation brought on by the fear, physical symptoms, and the judgement and lack of understanding we endure is the real weapon used against us.  But no weapon formed against us will prevail.  We endure.  We persevere. 

 

And very soon, we will come out refined like gold, ready for the brilliant and peaceful purposes into which all this has been leading us.

 

The story isn't over.

 

LOVE and HOPE!!!

 

Nomo

 

I love your attitude and positivity. I totally agree with everything you are saying, I relate to that on such a profound level. During the window I had which lasted around 4 or 5 months I definitely pushed myself really hard but in many ways didn't have a choice. Severe stress led to my wave I'm in right now which has laster now 2 1/2 months, I am really hoping maybe this is the final push my body needs to heal but who knows. It makes me feel better to know it took an unimaginable level of stress to bring on this wave but I really hope my baseline will improve once this wave is over. Time truly does move so disgustingly slow in withdrawal. I have irrational thinking and looping fears right now which is truly torturous, I just have to believe this is a withdrawal symptom because I never had it before. I just want that symptom to go away and if it did I would fee pretty much recovered minus some fatigue.