15.5 months, MASSIVE ACUTE WAVE- Please help...

[[Li...]]

You're not alone. I'm just over the year mark and in the biggest wave I have been through. I have severe fear and anxiety for no reason, my mind is constantly going nuts and I'm always feeling confused/foggy because of the anxiety. I find myself having panic attacks over the state that I am in, feeling trapped in my mind and unable to control my thoughts, which makes me worry that I am permanently stuck this way. I'm hanging in there, but this intense fear and anxiety is just so overwhelming. It's especially bad at night, but I'm trying really hard to beat this and not let it consume me, or add more fear to the fear.

 

Really hope things get better for you all.

[[He...]]

You're not alone. I'm just over the year mark and in the biggest wave I have been through. I have severe fear and anxiety for no reason, my mind is constantly going nuts and I'm always feeling confused/foggy because of the anxiety. I find myself having panic attacks over the state that I am in, feeling trapped in my mind and unable to control my thoughts, which makes me worry that I am permanently stuck this way. I'm hanging in there, but this intense fear and anxiety is just so overwhelming. It's especially bad at night, but I'm trying really hard to beat this and not let it consume me, or add more fear to the fear.

 

Really hope things get better for you all.

 

I'm in the same rut at 10.5 months off. I don't know why it seems to get harder the further from my C/T I get. I honestly don't feel like I've made much progress. I'm better at distracting myself than I was in the beginning, and I've gotten better at ignoring the health anxiety. But I still haven't seen any return of my memory or my positive emotions, and this dark depression just won't seem to lessen.

[[br...]]

 

Songbird . I am slowly coming out of a six week wave which was brought on by an incredible amount of stress , both good and bad. New symptoms have appeared along with worsening of the usual suspects. It's been challenging and at times scary.

Some of the stress I could have avoided but most of it I could not , but somehow I know that in spite of all that healing is still happening .

 

Last night I got into bed and for twenty minutes my body felt totally at peace. Then the 'Twitchies ' started but I can still remember the utter bliss of what I used to take for granted. So today I have gratitude in abundance.

[[Th...]]

My wave that started at 16 1/2 months turned into a horror show with several dr and er visits. My body shut down with severe weakness no motor control faintness dizziness jelly arms and legs paralysis panic and anxiety attacks  I've never been so scared. I want to say it's letting up but it has a couple times then back to bad the next day. I had no idea my body could do these things.

[[NY...]]

Hey guys,

 

I woke today feeling more hopeful than ever.  I remarked to my husband that I could tell the end to this 3.5 year nightmare is close.  I felt so sure about this fact, such relief,  that it brought tears to my eyes.  An hour later I was thrown into one of the most intense acute waves I can recall in a long time.  I'm still in it, bedridden,  feeling like I'm near-death.  Not even sure what the sxs are...extreme anxiety,  maybe.  Doesn't really matter,  just need to get through it.  The deep peace and wellness I feel in windows helps me to accept the pain here at the end.  We're getting there buddies.  Just a little longer.

 

Love to all,

WR

 

[[pr...]]

Addictionfairy,

So you’ve had the freezing thing?  And what’s really odd is that your 16 1/2 month wave is so similar to mine.  Those are the symptoms.  I’m really shocked as to how intense it has been.  Then your comment about it letting up a little and then right back to it.  I thought I was coming out of this wave twice now, then it is right back in.  My body is extremely exercise intolerant right now.  Like my nerves are super sensitive.  I was getting that paralysis / freezing thing, like I had mentioned before, at the beginning of this wave, but I haven’t had it in a few days, thank God.  Things have swung over to the depression side; hasn’t done that in a long time.  I’m usually on that high anxiety, brain fry side.  We have to stay calm.  I know that this time is tough, but we can’t add to the mess.  I know that this wave really surprised me and I let it get to me more than I should have.  Yesterday wasn’t too bad, been in bed all day today.  The thing I keep struggling with is HOPE.  I can’t see it right now- the end, that is.  I have to believe.  I have to have faith.  Faith is believing in the thing hoped for.  I’m trying to be resolute in this- the opposite gets me nowhere.  Praying that we can come out of this one soon.  I want to be done so badly.

 

NYCWaveRider,

I am so excited for you!  Sorry to hear that the wave hit, but that sweet feeling of freedom is sure worth it!  I really hope you’re at the end.  And what a blessing it would be for us to see you come through here.  We’re rooting you on!

[[pr...]]

Also wanted to ask, and I think this may be helpful for current or later readers-

 

Who still has intrusive thoughts?

 

...and if you don’t mind speaking about them, I’d appreciate it.  A few days away from 17 months and they just came back.  Didn’t realize how much things had gotten better until today.  For me, it’s almost always of a violent nature.  It’s so annoying because I’m not like that.  I’m a lot better at letting them pass, but I hate it when they feel coupled with an urge.  I’ve heard other buddies describe this.  Sometimes it’s a fleeting thought and other times it’s like a fearful urge.  Really hard to explain.  I also notice that when I get intrusive thoughts, I always get some kind of OCD thing with it.  I didn’t have this prior to benzos.  When there is a window, nothing.  At the beginning, being around knives was really tough for me.  Just seeing them.  It’s like my brain would react.  I still get that off and on in waves, but it’s much better.  I can ignore it. 

 

Appreciate anyone’s encouragement, particularly those who are around 17+ months and can speak to dealing with them still, but y’all are welcome.  Hope the night is well.

[[NY...]]

Thanks for the encouragement, Pressingforward.  Wave broke today thank goodness.  The symptoms yesterday were reminiscent of the darkest days, but a good reminder how much all sxs have mellowed.  That sensation of out of body terror was a symptom I endured for a long time.  I'm so thankful our brains forget the pain, scary sensations, etc.

 

Intrusive thoughts haven't plagued me too much, although OCD is certainly one of my prominent symptoms, which manifests in different ways.  Not too bothersome the past 6 months or so, but it's always there to some degree.  Sorry it's been tough on you. 

 

Hoping everyone is doing okay today.

 

All the best,

WR

[[pr...]]

Hey Buddies,

 

I'm struggling today.  This wave has lasted about 3 weeks now.  The last few days, the depression has rolled in.  I usually don't get this.  I'm 17 and a half months right now.  My physical symptoms won't let up.  I don't understand it.  I feel like I'm falling down underwater, further and further.  The hardest thing is that stupid black depression- I just want to cry.  I want to be done so bad, and I feel swallowed by it all.  I'd really appreciate any encouragement.  I'm fighting.  Trying to eat right, exercise when I can, get up, do what I can... just been slammed.  It's hard.  Don't feel like I'm ever going to heal.  This muscle and nerve stuff surprises the heck out of me.  I can only do a small amount of exercise and my body won't have it- it gets abnormally sore.  At this point, I hear "Yeah, this may be your last wave!" and I'm starting not to respond to it.  I had much higher hopes than this for almost 18 months.  I know, this COULD be my last wave, but it sure doesn't feel like it.  I just wish I had one day out of this wave where I felt well, happy again, and had a certain amount of strength to exercise.  I haven't had any FULL window yet.  I get windows, but they are times of reprieve, not a full window.  Anyways, sorry to be a downer, but I need help right now and some shoulders to lean on.  Just being honest.  Thanks. 

[[NY...]]

pressingonward, so sorry your suffering like this.  I know that depression well, and it's horrid.  It took everything in me to distract and survive, minute to minute.  It will pass for good soon.  I noticed a huge easing of most mental symptoms around 18 months free.  I had one last HUGE depression wave around that time, and then it was mostly gone.

 

And just b/c you're not getting 100% windows, doesn't mean healing will drag on.  It's an unpredictable process, but healing is inevitable, and the gifts on the other side are worth every minute of this torture.  I promise this is true.  You just need to get through time as best you can, making yourself as comfortable/safe as possible.  I know it's hard.

 

Hope you finds some relief today.

 

WR

 

 

 

 

[[pr...]]

NYC,

You're so awesome.  Thank you for this.  It really means a lot.  I think I need to rest more and not try to push as much, particularly in a wave.  I try to be smart, but it feels like I need even more rest right now.  Man, that depression- your story is so encouraging.  I hope this is the final kick in the butt for mental stuff.  I know I'm getting better, but yeah- this wave is  serious stuff.  You're an answered prayer.  Thanks for your care.

[[br...]]

 

Yesterday I had a small but very real window , the first in weeks. Up until that point I was getting depressed. The symptoms seemed endless and non-relenting. Like you I have a lot of muscle and nerve pain , insomnia and the horrible restless feeling of poison running through my body.

Sadly the blessed window left last night at bedtime and last night was pretty awful. BUT I had the window and it was real and glorious . To me this is proof positive that the last stage in healing is taking place. I think that we are just at an extremely sensitive stage where we feel everything . I honestly believe that this is the last stage . It's miserable , but we can and will hang in there until the end.

[[Li...]]

Yeah, the wave that I'm in at 13 months is pretty gnarly. Lots of severe anxiety, health anxiety and breathing issues. Breathing feels really strange, almost like I'm short of breath or have fatigued breathing. It goes away completely when I am distracted or not thinking about it, which is bizarre because it feels so physical. I've also suddenly become prone to overbreathing and hyperventilation out of nowhere, which sucks.

[[NY...]]

Pressingforward,  glad I could help some.  I know it's tough to figure out what we need when our bodies are giving such mixed up signals.  Hoping the symptoms are easing a bit as the day passes.

 

Rabbit, good to hear you had a window.  I share your instincts about this being the final push.  I had a window in the midst of horrible wave yesterday.  For about 1 minute, all symptoms were gone, even the weird internal numbness that's plagued me for months.  Tooth pain, all of it gone. Then back to healing torture.  I had another partial window today, but back in it now, flat on my back.

 

Onward buddies.  We're almost there

 

WR

 

 

[[pr...]]

Really appreciate you all, buddies.

 

Today was a bit better; I didn't do anything but lay in bed.  But, that's good.  I need the rest.  Well, I guess I did more than that.  Funny how I don't see all that I really do in a day.

 

Wanted to say thank you all.  Nasty headache.  Off to bed.

[[la...]]

Hi PressingOnward and everyone else! I'm reading through all the posts here. I've read and exchanged posts with several of you. I'm now at 18.5 months. I feel like I'm mostly in a constant wave! Ha! But seriously I had one window about a year ago. But it was about 3 days long. So that was nice. And today I actually felt better than I felt last week. I'm going to keep reading and I'll pop in and out.

[[So...]]

We are so freaking strong, I am just worried, my healing pattern went like this last year April 2017 jumped and had about three months of hell and then felt gradually better each day. Felt healed and wrote success story in October I think and then traveled and had an amazing time got married. Then in March shit hit the fan, I was in the middle of a brutal lawsuit and my little sister got extremely ill and she still is sick. I had two horrific back to back panic attacks and ended up in the hospital thinking I was dying, gradually things got a little bit better but it's like one step forward two steps back.

 

I am now 3 and a half month into this waves from hell, I've had a few amazing yet short windows where I felt better than I had in a long long time. Do you think I will heal? I felt healed for months honestly and it was magical, I am just scared I ruined my chance of healing totally, I drank alcohol which I shouldn't have done but I felt healed and I only ever had 2 drinks maximum, I eased into it, I think that and the stress really led to this horrible wave. Any kind words would be appreciated

[[Ch...]]

Songbird, I've had two stress-induced setbacks. I'm recovering from the second one now. Whether it's stress or alcohol or whatever, it just means you weren't done healing yet. My first year wasn't horrific. My second one sucked. I'm hoping this year will be game over for this withdrawal crap. Your pattern is normal. Keep taking care of yourself and someday soon this will all be a bad memory.

[[br...]]

 

In a rush to pick up a grandkiddle but I just wanted to say that what we have going here is AMAZING. So glad we can support each other through this challenging stage in the ' benzo game '.

 

Love you all 

[[la...]]

Songbird, you will still recover. It's not like you've ruined your chances. It will just take a little longer. Stress is difficult to deal with in recovery.

 

Chigrrl!! So happy to see you here. I hope you're doing well.

 

[[Ch...]]

Thanks, Lala! I'm slowly getting better. It's not as bad as it was a couple months ago. I'm hoping this is going to be it and I'll have my life back before the year is over. I hope the same for you.

[[pr...]]

Buddies,

I need some help and encouragement- now passsed the 18 month mark. I thought things would be different. Need to know that I’m not alone.

 

Back in a wave. Thought I’d be healed by 18- like it was some magic number. I know 24 months is the clearer marker, but- it’s just hard.

 

Exercise is still really rough. I still try though. Recently, the brain stuff has come back with a vengeance. Last two days have been very difficult in the afternoon- no matter what I do. Old symptoms like metal mouth came back for a day. My DP and DR is still surprisingly low though. I am very happy to say that I haven’t had the seizure like feeling in over a month. At the same time, the brain anxiety was very high last night and my CNS feels very sensitive. I’m not doing anything different. Trying to hope that this could be a last wave. Just feels so permanent today. I know certain things are getting better. Fact. The physical syntpms though- never thought I’d still have them this far out. Again, better than it used to be, but not where I’d like. Help here with 18 months?

[[Kl...]]

I had an improvement at 18 months ish, but honestly it wasn't a magic marker for me either. I've had some amazing windows, but still have some rough stuff as well. I also think 24 is the real point of improvement from what I've read and heard from people who know. It's a bitter pill to swallow when you hear 18 so often. Mine is mostly physical also, have a resurgence of nausea and feeling lousy lately rather than just things I can deal with easily.

 

Keep fighting, we will make it..

 

 

[[...]]

Hi PressingOnward;

 

I was thinking of you this morning.  I am at almost 22 months.  I have done the same thing with magic numbers.  It is a good way to hold onto hope and eventually we do heal.

 

You ARE improving...it is just a bizarre road.  I know I am getting better but the morning cortisol and anxiety (not terror anymore...Thank God,) remain.  If there is a lot of stress sometimes my CNS amps up and I don't sleep.  Otherwise, my sleep is better-- at least 5 hours solid with a couple more broken hours.  I can see I am better.  It is just so frustrating and fear inducing that I am still struggling.  I think that seeing how near we are to freedom makes this part especially tough.  This time last year I would have loved to be where I am now.  NOW I just want to be where I will be a year from now.  I need to stay in today, as tough as it is.  There are lessons in the pain.  I don't have to like it, I just have to do it.  Every day.  These are lessons I have needed to learn all my life.  This is just a particularly brutal way of learning. 

 

My word to you is KEEP GOING.  PRESS ON!  Lift up your head and MOVE another step forward Today.  That is our part in this.  God is behind it.  He is working.  We are being changed.  It is not for nothing.  There is PURPOSE in this meat grinder.  Keep GOING.

 

Love,

Nomo

[[br...]]

 

Everything I have read, including books and posts from our wonderful Baylissa points towards the 24th month as the beginning marker for significant improvements . It's hard to believe that when suffering through the whole crazy process of recovery , but it is true. We just have to hang in there a little bit longer . It really is like the end of a marathon . You think that you can't run another step but the strength to make it to the end comes from seemingly nowhere, and you push through until the end.