15.5 months, MASSIVE ACUTE WAVE- Please help...

[[lo...]]

same here....got hit about 2 weeks ago....still lasting. it happened slowly over the course of 2 days.

I sleep good though, but am extremely tired all day long.

I was doing so well month 12-16......this is so weird

this wave is different then acute. it feels like a gentler version but 24/7. acute was up and down every day all the time.

the evening are definitely better, which mimics acute

I hope to get out of this shit soon

[[pr...]]

Have to say, it is pretty amazing that we are all basically saying very similar things.  I know that sounds obvious- we're all in recovery.  Haha.  But...

 

The state of it feels like this has gone on way too long, and we're done.  These odd waves that seem like acute.  Very strong symptoms at times, and many of them similar. 

 

Buddies, we have to think that the ones who are / were healed between the 12-24 month mark went through something very similar- and made it.  Collie, you are sticking out to me right now- don't give up.  I'm getting slammed too, friends.  Still.  And I have no clue why.  Well, it's probably because we're at the end of the race.  It's the last leg.  And it may be that two things are going on: 1) We are the furthest we've ever been away from the benzos, so in one sense, the body is angry and fighting to heal, and 2) We are the closest we've ever been to healing and finishing the race.  So it would make sense that strong thumps would come up, like a clunky generator attempting to turn on.  At the same time, our body is tired, and we need to take care of ourselves and rest. 

 

So, to me- balancing rest and activity when we can at this stage is key.  I have started planning rest days.  Every other day, I down shift in every area- reading online, looking at videos, things that are busy... I do my best to allow my whole system to down shift.  Then, the next day, I will try to do what I can do.  I know that's hard because life is what is is to all of us right now, but I think we can do what we can. 

 

We can't let this beat us.  We've heard it a ton of times- we heal.  We have to believe this and do whatever it takes.  I'm also trying to pump myself up here.  I told my wife the other night that I have the reinstating thought going through my head.  You know what?  THAT MAKES SENSE.  At the end of the tough race, it is ACTUALLY tough.  Not theoretically tough.  We want to give up.  Everyone does.  Every single person wants to give up at some point.  But you push through to the end.  That's what we have to do.  Hell or high water.  Make it to 18, to 24, to 32, to 36 months, whatever... we focus on the next point and keep walking, at whatever speed. 

 

Come on, Buddies.  Let's keep together, lock arms, and when one of us drags, we'll hold them up.  Because we all will.  Love you people.  You really are warriors. 

[[br...]]

 

Thank you pressing for a wonderful post. A lot of well thought out good stuff. You have made my day.

 

I especially agree with your idea about scheduling special down / recovery time . Doing nothing mentally or physically straining and just letting the C.N.S. heal . I'm in a vicious wave right now and I'm also dealing with some family issues . My stress level is through the roof and all my symptoms including insomnia are hyped up to the max. At this point I'm going to put myself on semi bed rest . Good books and the telly. Can't hurt and might be a turning point.

[[co...]]

Just don't know how you guys get through the boredom, loneliness, not feeling like you want to do anything ever; it's always a push. Depression is just crushing at times... my work at home contract ends in 4 days. Don't know what I'm going to do... really thought I would be better by the end of this contract and would be out interviewing and such. Now I'm just lost again... I think for the most part I've developed a mental illness whatever that means. Definitely a mood disorder that I'm not sure will go away after being stuck in this for so long. I don't really believe that we will just "magically" heal after a certain amount of time. I think there are layers and layers that have stacked on over the past couple of years.

 

Thank you pressing for your post... I wish I believed that one day things were just going to be much better. Too difficult for me to wrap my head around at this point.

 

much love,

[[lo...]]

colley: you working from home as well? how is that going for you?

i started new job (in tech) from home. I feel like made my anxiety and waves 5x worse. but on the other side, maybe its good.....

 

[Guest [Lu...]]

I am at the absolute end of my rope here in month 11, desperately trying to make it through work, holding off so many life commitments, family just at a loss, life just falling apart, i cant possibly imagine another year of this ugghhh. im getting angry, im snapping at my closest supporters, im DONE already. im becoming a dark, depressed pissed off person and im exhausted. was awful since tolerance 2 1/2 years ago its sooo scary to think this is going to go on another year

sry for selfish post i sincerely feel for all of you this is just so cruel...

 

 

[[pr...]]

I don't want this post to come off as look at me or do what I do, so please don't take it that way.  I'd like to share a few things that have helped me...

 

Every night, I make a schedule for tomorrow on my phone.  I am well aware that I might not do any or all of these things.  To put things in context, I still can't work (at 15 months), can't drive.  I'm able to clean the house, do things around here, exercise every other day lightly... My wife works and I do my best to take care of the homestead.  Some days, I'm on the couch, all day still.

 

Now, that being said- I make my schedule.  I have made it a goal to put in it various things that will help me, that I enjoy, that I "have" to do, etc..  I plan rest.  I think about what I'm going to eat.  I know for some, this may seem laborious.  However, there is a lot of pay off at the end of the day.  Even if I can't do much at all.

 

I can play harmonica now.  I can juggle now.  I can throw knives and tomahawks now.  I thought this through around month 4 or so and said- "Ok, I'm going to try to do everything that I can to help my brain heal..."  So, juggling helps with neuroplasticity.  Music helps the nervous system, and learning a new instrument challenges the brain in completely different ways than juggling.  The knife and tomahawk throwing are something I can do every so often- I have to aim, to focus, and learn new kinds of coordination. 

 

I'm reading Hemingway.  I'm writing something that has been years in the making, that I now have the time to.  Now, I understand that many have to work.  I get that.  I tried.  And I'm a worker.  I love to work.  But, I can't.  So, this is my calling right now. 

 

My point is this- these things (even if I can do them for a few minutes) are going to bless me when I'm done.  There's a book by John Piper called "Don't Waste Your Life"- maybe ours is "Don't Waste Your Benzo Withdrawal".  I still can't watch movies.  They are too busy and make my brain hurt.  That drives me nuts.  But I can jam on that harmonica... and you better believe when the movie thing comes back, I shall indulge. 

 

Every day, I see improvement.  But not the way most think.  It is so hard to see improvement with recovery.  You guys and gals know this.  We are getting better.  And if we compare to months ago, there is likely improvement.  But it doesn't feel that way.  I feel brain damaged.  But I look at what I can do, what I have accomplished, and I see it.  It is measurable.  I have 4 juggling techniques in my arsenal now.  I couldn't juggle for squat.  I was in so much screaming pain when I started.  The first six months or so, I was completely bedridden.  But, I would sit up in bed and juggle for a min or so.  Now, here I am.

 

So, I hope that maybe this challenges some of my Buddies who feel bored, or like the fight is gone, or that life is worthless  or meaningless- I have read SO many posts on here from those who were healed that said, "I'm so glad I didn't give it up.  It's so amazing on the other side."  What if our other side is WAY better than we anticipated?  What if it is all true?  And then we look back and say, "You know what, that really sucked.  Like, really bad.  And more so, if I had to do it again, I would have done something with it..."  I think we can do something with this.  Have you ever seen the movie Life Is Beautiful?  It's about a father and son who get caught up in Nazi Germany, and long story short, this guy attempts to make life beautiful, funny, and charming for his son amidst incredible horrors.

 

Can we give this a shot?  Even in the pain, and the terror?

 

What do you want to do?  If you've wanted to paint, well, PAINT!  Write music?  Learn an instrument?  Get something published?  I guess what I'm saying is, desperate times call for desperate measures.  And diamonds are made from crushing.  So, my friends, I think we can do this together, even those of us on this thread.  Even one new thing.  If you are a schedule person, try the schedule the night before.  See what you did by the end of the day... and don't focus on what you didn't do- focus on what you did. 

 

Please don't take this as a lack of understanding of anyone's pain, depression, or anxiety.  I get it.  I'm there.  I'm trying to offer a match in the dark.  These are things that can pull us through, show us what we're made of, show us that we CAN do something new, different, even awesome during this time.  One more thing I forgot- helping others.  As in selflessly doing something crazy stupid awesome for someone else, maybe even once a week, though YOU are the person who needs blessing.

 

Friends, my family has abandoned me.  My extended family.  None of them call.  My parents don't check in anymore.  Maybe you're in the same boat.  Maybe your marriage is on the rocks, deteriorating.  Maybe you're unmarried and feeling alone.  Whatever our situation, I bet all of us feel like we've been abandoned by someone.  And you know what?  I don't know of any other way to get out of that hole but this- blessing someone else, without asking or planning for anything in return.  It sounds like the most dumb idea ever, but it is, in my opinion, the only thing that works to conquer self-pity, abandonment, and loneliness.  Other things help, but this one is an atom bomb.  You know why I think it works?  Because at the heart of it- you are showing love.  And somehow, that love comes back. 

 

I've went on way too long, but I felt like it might be helpful. 

[[NY...]]

Hey everyone,

 

This thread has been so comforting, with great coping tips, reminders, etc.  I'm too revved up from a busy (for withdrawal) day to compose a thoughtful post at the moment  , but just wanted to thank everyone for the encouragement and camaraderie.  This leg of the journey is tough in countless, and still kinda indescribable ways. I'd love to keep this thread alive, so we have a place to vent, share, etc.

 

And re: the 'other side' - I've visited it during windows, so have proof what people say is true, 100%.  I've never felt inner peace and joy like I have in those windows.  I experienced my best one right before I was travelling to see my family in MN over Xmas (when typically I would be stressed out and fretting), and it lasted a few days into my trip.  I've had glimpses of it since, but only for hours here and there.  Anyway, hang on buddies, b/c the fight is WORTH IT 100++++%.

 

Luke - I know how discouraging it is to read posts like this at 11 months off.  Just take it day by day but stay optimistic b/c your healing could be right around the corner.  I don't know how this was compiled, but it kept me hopeful during different stages of recovery  http://www.benzosupport.org/recovery_times.htm

 

All the best,

WR

 

 

[[Th...]]

I work from home as well. This actually inspired me to become an author. I wrote a book and published it and am now working on a novel. It takes my mind off things when I'm not rolling in bed praying I don't die lol. I actually just took the course to become an insurance salesperson and am hoping I can go on appointments while in windows  It's hard because I have two boys that are sports freaks and play year round. It's amazing how I can drive them to practices while feeling like I'm going to die. Arise is a good hourly work from home job check it out you make your own hours.

[[Be...]]

I work from home as well. This actually inspired me to become an author. I wrote a book and published it and am now working on a novel. It takes my mind off things when I'm not rolling in bed praying I don't die lol. I actually just took the course to become an insurance salesperson and am hoping I can go on appointments while in windows  It's hard because I have two boys that are sports freaks and play year round. It's amazing how I can drive them to practices while feeling like I'm going to die. Arise is a good hourly work from home job check it out you make your own hours.

Plug your book!

[[...]]

Thank God for this thread and for all of you.  I am at 18 months and having all the stuff Pressingonward described in the first post of this thread.  I was getting better month by month and did a lot of traveling and living.  Now I get dizzy if I walk and all the old fear, muscle, cortisol, adrenaline, migraine --- I am tempted to despair daily but it helps so much to see all of you here.

 

Thank you. 

 

Lets all keep going and get through together.

 

Nomo

[[Ho...]]

Pressingonward how are you feeling now? I'm 14 months now and had a crazy wave like yours nut having a decent window for the time being. I think the worst waves usually turn into the best windows.

[[pr...]]

  This thread has really encouraged me.  It would be great if we could stick together...

 

  So, I want to document this, because Lord willing, this helps someone else down the line.  Or even right now.

 

  This wave is still going on, and has gotten worse everyday, and today is probably the worst I’ve felt in 10 or so months.  As I type this, I feel somewhat mentally retarded, confused, and like it’s hard to get the words out.  I have had the worst benzo flu that I can remember in, as I said above, probably ten months.  It was to the point this morning where the fatigue was so strong, I felt as if I was narcoleptic and falling asleep.  I wasn’t tired.  It was the benzo flu.  I had this in the beginning, so I know what it is.  I also had a metallic feeling all throughout my body, along with the super limb heaviness, breathlessness, and chemical feeling.  Around an hour ago, in one second, it let up about 80 percent.  In a moment.  The super thick fog snapped away, and the “I’m dying” fatigue was gone.  It has come back off and on since that happened.  A few other things- I will simply stop.  Like freeze.  If I’m walking into the kitchen, my body will slow down and sometimes go into a freeze for a moment.  Then it goes away.  My legs will slide.  Then be perfectly normal.  I feel the energy go out of my arms, as in (particularly my left arm) will want to just lay by the side of my body for a moment, then it comes back fine.  It’s like things are turning on and off, as if with a switch.  It really is crazy.  My emotions are swinging rapidly.  I have had very quick and intense moments of wanting to cry, then it’s gone.  We’re talking in a matter of seconds.  Then rage.  Gone.  Then wanting to laugh.  Gone.  The DP and DR has been the worst since the beginning, and my clarity has been the best yet.  When the DP/DR hits, it really is like I’m on another planet.  Sometimes, I find myself staring off for a moment because I can’t quite grip what’s going on.  It’s like my brain gets really slow for a minute.  OCD, indecisive thoughts, same thing.  They come very strongly, then go.  In the last few days, I’ve had various whole body feelings- like someone put micro-shards of glass all through my limbs, hot flushing all over, cold chills, metallic-electric fatigue, extreme want to scratch at my skin agitation.  These come and go rapidly.  All of the sudden, looking at a book is overwhelming.  The dark print on the pages, too much to process.  When things let up, I can pick it up and it looks very close to normal.  Brain has no problem.  Again, this all happens in a matter of seconds.  I still have twitching at times- my right shoulder will jump up and down and my left hand has had an on and off tremor since the beginning.  It has improved and is improving. 

 

  The strangest thing about this stage, and likely the scariest at times, is how absurd and grotesque the symptoms are.  Months ago, I would get things like this, but I felt like this all day in some form or another- I would have certain symptoms for days or weeks, even months on end.  It all blurs together.  Here, it’s like skeletons jumping out of the closet.  Then they go back.

 

  A few other things I’m remembering to note- stuttering.  I didn’t have this start until month 10 or 11.  It comes and goes.  It is always only present when I feel my brain is doing something.  And my belief is that the part of the brain that’s being worked on at that time is the part relating to speech.  I will get full body jolts at times, when my whole body will shake for a second.  Usually after this, I feel some relief.  In the beginning, months 1 to maybe 8/9 my head would shake up and down.  In a hilarious change of events, starting a few weeks ago, it now shakes left to right.  One of my most painful symptoms physically has been my neck pain.  From months 1-14 it was constant, to a greater or lesser degree.  It always felt like someone was pushing my head forward, or my head would drop to a certain side, the muscles in the back of my neck giving out.  My neck would crunch when I turned it from left to right.  The nerve pain was always there.  I wore a neck brace the entire time, starting at month 8 or so.  I am happy to say, I rarely wear it anymore.  When the wave comes on thick, I do notice it comes back, but not nearly as bad as it used to be.  Another one of the new symptoms for month 15 is hypersalivation.  I don’t know if this is related to the vagus nerve, hormone balancing, or what- my hunch is, it has something to do with the nerves in my gut.  Out of nowhere, I’ll feel the benzo belly bloat out quickly, and I almost spit up a bit.  I hypersalivate and somewhat drool.  It’s lovely and embarrasing- but, I’m going to document this.  Another completely new symptom for month 15 has been hearing my own voice in my head much louder than normal.  I had heard of this before from other buddies, but never experienced it.  But the voice that you hear is generally the “don’t do it” or “that will hurt you” or something negative.  It’s almost like the conscious mind is overactive.  I don’t get this a lot, but when I have, it is quite unsettling.  For a moment, you almost think that you are hearing voices (as some have in recovery, so even that is normal), but instead, it’s my own mental voice, just pronounced, and an odd symptom.  One final one that comes to mind is this feeling of being physically followed, or as if there is someone close to my body.  This will come and go.  I can be standing around and it almost feels like there is someone standing behind me.  I do notice this when I have a full body nerve sensation.  I’ve had it enough times to believe that it is simply the nervous system overreacting, creating a feeling that is not there.  I believe this too, because I used to have weird phantom limb feelings.  I would feel at times that my arm wasn’t where it was on my body, but somewhere kind of off from it.  Sometimes I would feel like my body was cut in half horizontally across my waist, my legs doing something almost indepedent, though I was controlling them- didn’t feel like it.  I still get that one sometimes, but not the individual limb stuff.  Two others of note- sometimes I feel like I want to hit myself.  Almost like a compulsion.  Not hurt myself.  But hit myself.  I feel that there’s a difference.  I’ve had my fair share of intrusive thoughts, being nervous around knives because your brain makes you feel nervous around them- this is different.  This has a kind of Tourette Syndrome feeling to it.  I know this because Tourette runs in my family and before benzos, I had it very, very minimally.  At times, it is a pronounced symptom.  One more that comes to mind (thank you for your patience), is this feeling of something in my head trying to fix itself.  But it feels like this- imagine if you make an open circle with your fist, as if you could put two to three fingers through.  Now try to shove your fist through.  It knocks hard against the side of your hand.  No bueno.  It doens’t work.  That’s exactly what it feels like.  I’ve had that for about three months, and for the first time ever, just yesterday, it actually felt like it hit... and then went through.  I could feel it as clear as day.  It was like a dam broke.  And another- if you get jolts that wake you up at night at this stage, you are not alone.  I am almost positive that this is a vagus nerve issue.  What happens to me is this- I’ll be drifting off to bed, and once I turn on my side, I can feel it start as I relax.  Sometimes, it comes right at the point of relaxation before sleep.  Others, I’ll have fallen asleep for a while.  But the feeling is not like an adrenaline rush.  I can actually feel the nerve or nerves from my gut, up and through my heart, to my throat area, do something.  And it’s generally a one and done, maybe twice if it is a bad time for that symptom.  If you get strange, blurry vision, that comes and goes in an instant, you friend, are not alone.  This started for me in month 15.  It is kind of like a distortion / blurriness.  The feeling that I get is that when it happens, I need to get closer to the thing I’m looking at.  Comes, and you guessed it, in an instant, it’s gone.  But by far, the strangest symptom that I’ve had recently is that I will wake up the next morning, after having shaved the day before, with a full beard.  I’m talking mountain man, animals want to nest in my face kind of beard.  I’ve even jumped back and yelled “What do you want from me?!!”  Ok, I’ve never had that symptom, and I bet you haven’t either, but by this point in this post (if you’re still with me), we both need some comic relief.  We’re gonna be ok.  Take a breath.  We’re gonna make it.

 

  Here’s my main reason for writing all this down- this feels like the wave to end all waves.  I could be completely wrong, but I want to document that too.  There has to be something rewarding on the other side of this one.  Oh, another thing- in this stage, I have had a handful (likely more in this one month than my entire time) of days when there is nothing I can do to give me relief.  What I mean is, I will take CBD, Advil, Magnesium, Baking soda (for my gut) and sometimes try to wisely layer these all in together for an intended effect.  In this stage, even in the last two weeks, I’ve had 4 or 5 days where I gave it my all and that evening (it always gets bad at night for me, between 3:30 p.m. and 8 p.m.) and it was still almost unbearable.  I’m bringing this out because I have had the desire to reinstate multiple times in month 15.  At the same time, I believe I am undergoing massive healing.  When the windows and relief hits, it really is a matter of 80 percent difference. 

 

  This feels like the point in the race when one wants to throw in the towel.  It is the scariest, the most testing, the most unbelievable... and you know what- bring it.  Because I’m not giving up.  It’s either that I’m going to die from this or be healed.  But I’m not giving up.  So, Benzo Beast, come on and get me.  I will give you hell. 

 

  Dear reader, whether you are reading this in 2018 or 2025, and this post is still around on BB or a Google search, don’t give up.  You could be right at the end and healing may be the next skeleton that pops out of the closest.  And instead of fear, it’s freedom.  God bless.

[[br...]]

 

Thank you for putting into words and describing so perfectly the seemingly endless current nightmare that so many of us are enduring.

Five weeks ago I was in Florida . I was sleeping well and life was good. Although not perfectly recovered my symptoms were minimal and I felt that I was almost ready to start writing my success story. Then the current wave from Hell descended . All the symptoms that you mentioned, with the most unpleasant being the constant chemical agitation that crashes through my body with no relief  . Miserable long days and miserable long nights.

 

It is really hard to stay positive , but this is what we have to do. We will stick together and hold each other up and we will get through this.

[Guest [Ru...]]

 

I’m bringing this out because I have had the desire to reinstate multiple times in month 15.  At the same time, I believe I am undergoing massive healing. [...]

 

  This feels like the point in the race when one wants to throw in the towel.  It is the scariest, the most testing, the most unbelievable... and you know what- bring it.  Because I’m not giving up.  It’s either that I’m going to die from this or be healed.  But I’m not giving up. 

 

Brilliant, inspiring posts, pressing. Thank you! With your attitude - zero doubt in my mind you'll make it. I completely agree that these waves represent healing... Wishing you full recovery.

 

Warmly,

Lara

[[NY...]]

pressingonward, I'm so sorry you're suffering like this.  I understand.  You really do capture this torture well in your writing.  Thanks for putting into words what I cannot.

 

The wave sounds very similar to mine that started in Januray.  The heavy poisoned feeling has mostly left now, and I get (what feels like) 100% windows which prove to me that this could end in an instant.  If any of you have read success stories about people with big waves at the finish line, I'd love to read.

 

Hope today is a bit easier for everyone.  (Hi Nomo  )

 

Love to all,

WR

[[Ne...]]

Pressing, thank you for your thoughtful words. You mentioned helping others in one of your posts. You have done just that. Just reading through this thread is already helping me with a very tough morning.

I’ve experienced many of the things you describe and a few other “weird” things. The most important takeaway is that we ARE healing, and we will fight this benzo beast!

This is my new favorite thread😄. Happy to see some familiar faces (hello NYC and Nomo😘). Let’s

Stick together and hold each other up. Post when it’s bad and list when it’s good...it will encourage the rest of the gang! At 19 months out I thought I’d be back to normal, whatever that is! But I’m learning a lot, getting stronger, and know we’ll all be better in some way or another after having gone through this torture. Stay strong buddies...we got this❤️

New Girl

[[co...]]

Thankful for these posts.... how old is everyone here? I am 43 going on 12 it seems. So hard on myself everyday for not pushing myself to do what I know I need to do to get out of some pretty severe depression. I've had it all along so I don't think it's window / wave related. It it's not pain in my head, it's severe anxiety or depression or everything all at once. Or just thinking about how I'm going to deal with this boredom. In my head I feel like I just want to give up at this point. I don't know how I'm ever going to get back to a normal life. It's hard for me to split everything up into symptoms at this point. I just feel like I'm never myself and I don't know who that is anymore. I'm a scared man this far out... used to be pretty strong. Now just never sure of myself, lost confidence, lost self-esteem. My contract ends in 1 day.... I will then have absolutely nothing to do next week. That scares me the most... I haven't been well for so long. I have an antidepressant here but I'm not sure a pill is going to fix this... it's my last hope though - what else can I do. 

[Guest [Lu...]]

Thanks nyc wave, especially bad day.

I wish i could implement more of the suggestions here, but while im someone who's had symptoms strong enough to be bedridden, ive had to work through it, and its been torture. i

barely, barely manage to get through many workdays and it takes EVERYTHING i have.

 

I have managed to continue writing - im working on my 2nd fantasy novel, though ive blown off author signings and such which have damaged my reputation locally. (forgive my awfully edited scribble, here - i quick type mostly from my phone )

blown off countless "dudes" to rip guitar with... im sick from the creative outlets that I so love having been annihilated by this situation. i quit a band and pissed off a couple guys who have NO conception of what im going through. now im blowing of people left and right it feels like.

 

the world is not waiting for me. i suppose though, in my own way, im sort of bullying my way through this withdrawal, a sloppy, messy, desperate attempt to hold onto all that im juggling, hoping some of my ambitions and efforts remain should i survive this....

[[He...]]

Thanks nyc wave, especially bad day.

I wish i could implement more of the suggestions here, but while im someone who's had symptoms strong enough to be bedridden, ive had to work through it, and its been torture. i

barely, barely manage to get through many workdays and it takes EVERYTHING i have.

 

I have managed to continue writing - im working on my 2nd fantasy novel, though ive blown off author signings and such which have damaged my reputation locally. (forgive my awfully edited scribble, here - i quick type mostly from my phone )

blown off countless "dudes" to rip guitar with... im sick from the creative outlets that I so love having been annihilated by this situation. i quit a band and pissed off a couple guys who have NO conception of what im going through. now im blowing of people left and right it feels like.

 

the world is not waiting for me. i suppose though, in my own way, im sort of bullying my way through this withdrawal, a sloppy, messy, desperate attempt to hold onto all that im juggling, hoping some of my ambitions and efforts remain should i survive this....

 

 

I feel the same. At 9 and a half months off, I can't imagine that this can get better. I'm just follying my way through life trying to make sure that I can stay mostly intact and get through the next year. It's been hell. I'm supposed to plan my wedding through this, when I'm struggling with self doubt and can't imagine why my fiancee would want to stick this out with me when I feel so broken and useless.

[[NY...]]

Hey New Girl.  I know it's been tough.  I'm here if you need me. 

 

I think most of us feel like life is passing us by.  I was about to foster a child before starting my taper, and was offered my dream job about six months into my taper when I was mostly bedridden.  Those opportunities may have passed me by, but as I heal more,  I realize how much I've gained through this experience.  I feel healthier in mind and body than I ever thought possible.  I can even feel this when the waves are brutal, like now.  My marriage is stronger than ever.  I'm kinder, more self assured,  less anxious than I've ever been.  Even with this chemical anxiety I feel inner peace.  Still hard to describe, but as the layers of withdrawal peel away, more of the good stuff is revealed. 

 

Keep going everyone.  The journey is brutal, but so worth it.

 

WR

[[...]]

I don't want this post to come off as look at me or do what I do, so please don't take it that way.  I'd like to share a few things that have helped me...

 

Every night, I make a schedule for tomorrow on my phone.  I am well aware that I might not do any or all of these things.  To put things in context, I still can't work (at 15 months), can't drive.  I'm able to clean the house, do things around here, exercise every other day lightly... My wife works and I do my best to take care of the homestead.  Some days, I'm on the couch, all day still.

 

Now, that being said- I make my schedule.  I have made it a goal to put in it various things that will help me, that I enjoy, that I "have" to do, etc..  I plan rest.  I think about what I'm going to eat.  I know for some, this may seem laborious.  However, there is a lot of pay off at the end of the day.  Even if I can't do much at all.

 

I can play harmonica now.  I can juggle now.  I can throw knives and tomahawks now.  I thought this through around month 4 or so and said- "Ok, I'm going to try to do everything that I can to help my brain heal..."  So, juggling helps with neuroplasticity.  Music helps the nervous system, and learning a new instrument challenges the brain in completely different ways than juggling.  The knife and tomahawk throwing are something I can do every so often- I have to aim, to focus, and learn new kinds of coordination. 

 

I'm reading Hemingway.  I'm writing something that has been years in the making, that I now have the time to.  Now, I understand that many have to work.  I get that.  I tried.  And I'm a worker.  I love to work.  But, I can't.  So, this is my calling right now. 

 

My point is this- these things (even if I can do them for a few minutes) are going to bless me when I'm done.  There's a book by John Piper called "Don't Waste Your Life"- maybe ours is "Don't Waste Your Benzo Withdrawal".  I still can't watch movies.  They are too busy and make my brain hurt.  That drives me nuts.  But I can jam on that harmonica... and you better believe when the movie thing comes back, I shall indulge. 

 

Every day, I see improvement.  But not the way most think.  It is so hard to see improvement with recovery.  You guys and gals know this.  We are getting better.  And if we compare to months ago, there is likely improvement.  But it doesn't feel that way.  I feel brain damaged.  But I look at what I can do, what I have accomplished, and I see it.  It is measurable.  I have 4 juggling techniques in my arsenal now.  I couldn't juggle for squat.  I was in so much screaming pain when I started.  The first six months or so, I was completely bedridden.  But, I would sit up in bed and juggle for a min or so.  Now, here I am.

 

So, I hope that maybe this challenges some of my Buddies who feel bored, or like the fight is gone, or that life is worthless  or meaningless- I have read SO many posts on here from those who were healed that said, "I'm so glad I didn't give it up.  It's so amazing on the other side."  What if our other side is WAY better than we anticipated?  What if it is all true?  And then we look back and say, "You know what, that really sucked.  Like, really bad.  And more so, if I had to do it again, I would have done something with it..."  I think we can do something with this.  Have you ever seen the movie Life Is Beautiful?  It's about a father and son who get caught up in Nazi Germany, and long story short, this guy attempts to make life beautiful, funny, and charming for his son amidst incredible horrors.

 

Can we give this a shot?  Even in the pain, and the terror?

 

What do you want to do?  If you've wanted to paint, well, PAINT!  Write music?  Learn an instrument?  Get something published?  I guess what I'm saying is, desperate times call for desperate measures.  And diamonds are made from crushing.  So, my friends, I think we can do this together, even those of us on this thread.  Even one new thing.  If you are a schedule person, try the schedule the night before.  See what you did by the end of the day... and don't focus on what you didn't do- focus on what you did. 

 

Please don't take this as a lack of understanding of anyone's pain, depression, or anxiety.  I get it.  I'm there.  I'm trying to offer a match in the dark.  These are things that can pull us through, show us what we're made of, show us that we CAN do something new, different, even awesome during this time.  One more thing I forgot- helping others.  As in selflessly doing something crazy stupid awesome for someone else, maybe even once a week, though YOU are the person who needs blessing.

 

Friends, my family has abandoned me.  My extended family.  None of them call.  My parents don't check in anymore.  Maybe you're in the same boat.  Maybe your marriage is on the rocks, deteriorating.  Maybe you're unmarried and feeling alone.  Whatever our situation, I bet all of us feel like we've been abandoned by someone.  And you know what?  I don't know of any other way to get out of that hole but this- blessing someone else, without asking or planning for anything in return.  It sounds like the most dumb idea ever, but it is, in my opinion, the only thing that works to conquer self-pity, abandonment, and loneliness.  Other things help, but this one is an atom bomb.  You know why I think it works?  Because at the heart of it- you are showing love.  And somehow, that love comes back. 

 

I've went on way too long, but I felt like it might be helpful.

 

 

This is so helpful.  I had seen tremendous improvement and was so active--  but the last  couple weeks I  am dizzy and fatigued and my body cannot do all the things that were so encouraging.  I can do some things though.    I need  to get creative and do a minute here and there .   

[Guest [Ru...]]

I think most of us feel like life is passing us by.  I was about to foster a child before starting my taper, and was offered my dream job about six months into my taper when I was mostly bedridden.  Those opportunities may have passed me by, but as I heal more,  I realize how much I've gained through this experience.  I feel healthier in mind and body than I ever thought possible.  I can even feel this when the waves are brutal, like now.  My marriage is stronger than ever.  I'm kinder, more self assured,  less anxious than I've ever been.  Even with this chemical anxiety I feel inner peace.  Still hard to describe, but as the layers of withdrawal peel away, more of the good stuff is revealed. 

 

Thank you so very much for this. I needed to read it. I'm still tapering, but I was in tolerance for many years. During my 'better' days (relatively speaking) I sometimes glimpse that peace and wellness you describe so beautifully. It's fleeting, but precious - then it's so brutal when the darkness hits again...

 

I'll hang on to your words - especially regarding being less anxious than ever before. Thank you again.

[Guest [Lu...]]

im very grumpy lately on these boards, i dont like to be i wana encourage others while i whine about my own sorrows lol

thanks for the encouraging words.

ill get through im just... im sooooooo tired

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http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=84857.290

 

This one helped today.