2018 Jump Squad

[[ga...]]

I am in complete terror of death and hell 24/7.  Does anyone else have this?  It's my worst symptom....my sxs are all mental with no physical ones except insomnia (is that physical or mental?). I have shallow rapid breathing and am in severe anxiety and depression all the time with no letup.  I'm only 10 days post-jump, so am wondering what to expect.  I'm terrified to live and to die.

 

I am completely alone and isolated.  I'm too fearful to be around people and my family and friends abandoned me long ago due to my bizarre and negative behavior.  How can one survive with no personal contact?  I desperately need in-person human contact....electronic  friendships and communication are not sufficient.  But, I'm too crazy-acting and objectionable for anyone to be around.  I am my own worst enemy.

gardenlady: sounds like you are in a tough spot that I hope you can climb out of. Are you seeing a therapist? When you say you are terrified to live and to die, you are really boxed in. Talking with someone (a therapist) may help you sort out your fears and maybe help you to establish a beachhead where you can feel safe and build from there. Otherwise, it's a vicious cycle of fear generating more fear (fear of fear).

 

You are also early out and things can be tough until you stabilize.

 

It must be awful being (and feeling) so alone. For the moment, you are all that you have, so be good to yourself. Try and improve your self-talk, starting with "you are not crazy or objectionable". If friends and family abandoned you, then to hell with them. Or, maybe some relationships can be salvaged or are not as damaged as you think they are. Whatever the case, start with yourself. Get help. Gain a foothold of confidence. There is a lot to live for and don't waste another minute.

 

You tapered off this shit for a reason - use that to rally and get yourself back in the game. We are all pulling for you!

Thanks, TMB.  Yes, I'm seeing a therapist once a week, but he's stumped on how to help.  I'm to the point where I don't even get out of bed due to the black depression.  Your solutions are correct and sound simple.  Trouble is I don't know how to get any more help than I'm already getting.  Or where to get that foothold of confidence.  It's like I've given up.  When I try positive self-talk, I know it's a lie because I am so negative deep down, so I don't believe the positive stuff as it's just that....talk...and nothing else.  How do I help myself when I'm such a lost cause?

gardenlady: it seems to me (my opinion) that no change (for the better) is going to happen until you at least leave open the possibility (in your own belief system) that you are *NOT* a lost cause. Maybe, positive self-talk starts out as only being non-negative self-talk. You need to cut yourself some slack and leave open the possibility that you are salvageable. I am guessing that even you would agree that you are intrinsically a good person. Start there. It is a fact, not just talk. Deal with facts. You are good. You can take one small step in the right direction. If you fail, take another step in another direction. Rinse and repeat.

 

You cannot outsource this to anyone or anything - it starts with you. I wish you the best.

Thanks again, TMB.  You're exactly right.....I can't outsource this to anyone.  I think that's what I've been subconsciously hoping I could do.  But, it does start with me and only me. 

 

I have to trust God, Himself.  The fact is that He is good and that He wants to help me if I will let Him. 

 

Thank you again for your kindness in responding.

[[To...]]

Thanks again, TMB.  You're exactly right.....I can't outsource this to anyone.  I think that's what I've been subconsciously hoping I could do.  But, it does start with me and only me. 

 

I have to trust God, Himself.  The fact is that He is good and that He wants to help me if I will let Him. 

 

Thank you again for your kindness in responding.

Now you're talking!

[[Da...]]

Hey guys. Long story short I was feeling better, started working out, drank a protein shake and started cbd oil. I’ve since had a major setback and all my worst symptoms have been back for several days. I’m sure it was the combo of the protein shake and cbd oil. Anyone have issues with either of these? This is horrific. I thought I was passed the worst of the symptoms and slam- all back!

[[ne...]]

Dad, so sorry to hear about your setback. Hopefully you'll feel better soon. Don't know what to tell you, if that was the cause. It's easy to suspect everything in withdrawal.

 

I do, however, stay away from any supplements, herbs, teas and especially psychoactive substances. I make sure to consume plenty of fruit and vegetables and leave my body alone to do the rest.

[[Et...]]

Hey guys. Long story short I was feeling better, started working out, drank a protein shake and started cbd oil. I’ve since had a major setback and all my worst symptoms have been back for several days. I’m sure it was the combo of the protein shake and cbd oil. Anyone have issues with either of these? This is horrific. I thought I was passed the worst of the symptoms and slam- all back!

 

Recovery is an up and down thing, windows and waves, ebb and flow pattern; in the beginning I used to blame people or foods for my waves but later I learned that the real trigger was stress. I do both CBD and protein shakes and haven't had any bad reactions, that said it would be best to do a full healthy diet like NewGirl, that would give you the best results.

[[To...]]

Hey guys. Long story short I was feeling better, started working out, drank a protein shake and started cbd oil. I’ve since had a major setback and all my worst symptoms have been back for several days. I’m sure it was the combo of the protein shake and cbd oil. Anyone have issues with either of these? This is horrific. I thought I was passed the worst of the symptoms and slam- all back!

Dad, I do 36g protein shakes (but not CBD oil) and I do not have any bad experiences that I can attribute to the shakes.

 

Hold on tight and power through. Hope you feel better soon.

[[li...]]

Getting close. .04

[[To...]]

Getting close. .04

Well done, linnie! Looks like you are taking it nice and slow. Look forward to when you walk off - when you are ready! 

[[Et...]]

Hi everybody, hope you are all doing Ok.

 

Has anybody started feeling weak with a bunch of pains everywhere? I've gotten that in the last few days and am in a wave now, not as emotionally overwhelming as before, but it's interesting as it's a new symptom that I hadn't noticed during my taper.

[[To...]]

Ethan: haven't run across that sx yet (hope I don't). It's always hard to know what sxs are attributable to benzos. Sucks to be in a wave. Hope you get to a window soon.

[[Et...]]

Thanks TooManyBennies, fortunately the mental aspects are less than my usual wave; I'm thinking it's progress and perhaps I hadn't noticed the weakness in the waves by being overwhelmed in the past. It seems for me that from midnight to noon is the hard part of the day.

[[Da...]]

Are you sleeping Ethan?

[[Et...]]

Are you sleeping Ethan?

 

Yes, about 6 hours in total; I wake up every 45 min and stay up around 15 before I fall asleep again, it takes a lot of mindfulness and relaxation techniques for me to sleep at all. My biggest issue is I have a clicking and crackling noise when I breathe lying down, so that keeps me worried every night; even though I have had around 6 doctors look into it.

[[Da...]]

I’m barely sleeping again.  Week 2 I went through major acute with terrible insomnia... I think I slept about 4 hours in 6 days. The last week has been more insomnia... not as severe but still pretty bad. I’m awake most of the night. I sleep maybe 3-4 broken hours a night. I try to keep calm when I wake up but after being awake for days it gets hard. I really thought I’d be feeling a little bit better by now. Today is one month benzo free. I should be celebrating but I’m not. I’m in hell and wishing more than anything that this misery would come to an end.  I’m nauseous, depressed, racing obsessive thoughts, weakness in my arms and legs.... I feel so messed up. And I’m convinced that there’s something else wrong with me despite being reassured over and over again that I’m healthy.

 

How are you guys coping with the relentless symptoms? Every supplement or med I’ve taken works adversely so taking something to help me through it is out of the question.

[[Et...]]

I’m barely sleeping again.  Week 2 I went through major acute with terrible insomnia... I think I slept about 4 hours in 6 days. The last week has been more insomnia... not as severe but still pretty bad. I’m awake most of the night. I sleep maybe 3-4 broken hours a night. I try to keep calm when I wake up but after being awake for days it gets hard. I really thought I’d be feeling a little bit better by now. Today is one month benzo free. I should be celebrating but I’m not. I’m in hell and wishing more than anything that this misery would come to an end.  I’m nauseous, depressed, racing obsessive thoughts, weakness in my arms and legs.... I feel so messed up. And I’m convinced that there’s something else wrong with me despite being reassured over and over again that I’m healthy.

 

How are you guys coping with the relentless symptoms? Every supplement or med I’ve taken works adversely so taking something to help me through it is out of the question.

 

Congratulations on 1 month clean!  Only time will heal, given you tapered correctly and have made it through the worst, do you have any improvements? Surely there are some areas that are better. All your symptoms are normal, we are all going through them and I have all of those and a bunch more, that's why it's so quiet around this group compared to when it started. I've been stuck in a wave and barely slept yesterday, was grinding my teeth so hard when I did I had to go for an old mouth guard; even so I am probably 30-40% healed. The worst is over, it's all about observing and accepting symptoms and holding on. Keep yourself distracted!

[[fe...]]

Hi guys: just asking how is everyone today?

 

as you know I reinstated on clonazepam. But I am developing a plan with my pdoc to be benzo free. He is helping me a lot. Maybe in March I am going to begin again my journey. This time I am oing to make daily liquid microtapering very slowly with sertraline 50mg as a sied help to cope with anxiety, that was my main problem at the end of my last attempt.

best  of all to you.!!

[[kp...]]

Whats up fer? Hope you get everything situated without too much stress.

 

My mental sxs have gone away except for brain/cog fog. I thought I was in the insmonia stage but using vicodin for 2 days after getting my wisdom pulled caused 2 days of insomnia after that. Thank god! Just waiting for the fog to clear up and id consider myself about done with this

[[ga...]]

I'm fatigued and very depressed.  Went to my endocrinologist yesterday and am waiting for bloodwork results.  I'm guessing I'll need to up my Synthroid as benzos messed up my levels over the last 3 years.  I had to cut my Synthroid dose from 150 mcg to 112 mcg.  My endocrinologist said that benzos and ADs are horrible for the HPA axis (hippocampus pituitary adrenal).  He's miffed that docs give them out like candy.  I also had 3% bone loss in my spine.  I have osteopenia and this loss puts me closer to osteoporosis.

 

My sleep is erratic, but not horrible, so I'm thankful for that.  Some nights I get only about 3 hrs and then others, 5 or 6.  So, I feel blessed. I'm not having physical sxs....mine are mental.  But they are pretty bad and I can't be around people except for one or two at at time and then, only those I know well.  I stay isolated nearly all the time which is bad for the mind.  But, what else to do in this situation? 

[[De...]]

I hope the squad is doing well today. All OK on my side. Actually, a decent night's sleep. Still only barely 6 hours, but it was more restful. Gearing up for a 3-day, 2-night trip, Thu-Sat. A chance that could mess up my sleep for a few days, but I am not going to obsess over that possibility and maybe it will be fine.

 

Glad your trip went well. From what I am seeing, you took this trip 2 days after your jump? My reason for asking is that I am planning a one day trip with hubby in late March - about 2 to 3 weeks after my projected jump. I have slow tapered but am a bit antsy about going on that trip - 2 doctors visit for hubby - it is the travel aspect that I don't like right now. I know everyone is differently but am hopeful that travel is doable for me after that short of a time span from my projected jump.

[[ne...]]

Hello jump squad, I'm sorry to hear that everyone is struggling. This journey demands and takes so much! 

 

I trust that we all have the strength inside to go through everything that this withdrawal throws at us. Life always finds a way.

 

Please be kind to yourselves, be as accepting as possible and as self loving as possible. We are doing our best under the circumstances. We will beat this monster! 

 

Big hugs and all my strength to you!

 

 

[[Al...]]

Much strength jump squad wishing for a speedy recovery for you all

[[To...]]

I hope the squad is doing well today. All OK on my side. Actually, a decent night's sleep. Still only barely 6 hours, but it was more restful. Gearing up for a 3-day, 2-night trip, Thu-Sat. A chance that could mess up my sleep for a few days, but I am not going to obsess over that possibility and maybe it will be fine.

 

Glad your trip went well. From what I am seeing, you took this trip 2 days after your jump? My reason for asking is that I am planning a one day trip with hubby in late March - about 2 to 3 weeks after my projected jump. I have slow tapered but am a bit antsy about going on that trip - 2 doctors visit for hubby - it is the travel aspect that I don't like right now. I know everyone is differently but am hopeful that travel is doable for me after that short of a time span from my projected jump.

Thanks, Deejan. I took the trip 4 days out. But, I was micro tapering and down to hundreths of a milligram in the last few weeks, so not sure that my body even noticed that I was down to zero on the day I jumped.

 

The biggest issue for my trip was less about the rigors of air travel, rental cars, hotels, etc. It was to attend a funeral in the family and that can be upsetting. Turned out that it was actually very uplifting, and the time with siblings and cousins was nice.

 

I would recommend that you try and limit the anticipatory anxiety, plan on it being smooth sailing (even if it winds up having some blips) and you should be fine. Hope it goes well.

[[To...]]

Only real issue for me is that my overnight sleep averages closer to 5 hours. About a month ago, my average was closer to 6 hours.

 

I've been able to nap on some days (when I don't have anything else scheduled) in the afternoon and that has kept me from feeling too droopy.

 

Hope everyone else gets to feeling better soon.

[[De...]]

Thanks TooManyBennies - I am sorry about your loss but glad that you turned it into a positive situation.

 

I will be traveling for 2 hours to doctors visits for hubby then 2 hours back. Definitely not a huge trip but travel messes with my vision anymore - hence the reason why I am a bit anxious about the trip - particularly 2 to 3 weeks after a jump. I will be at either .0625 to .03125 mg of a small dose of Xanax at my jump - but taken for 22 years. My taper has been .0625 every 2 weeks down from the baby dose of .50 a day.

 

I am honestly trying not to think about it, lol, but I am still a bit concerned about the time frame - so much so that I have even thought about bumping his appointments a month ahead - just in case I am needed to drive. I plan to voluntarily withdraw from driving for a month - just as a precaution. I will play it by ear for the next cut then decide if I am going to go for the gold and continue at my pace AND travel after the jump, or whether it would be smart to simply schedule his appointments later into April.

 

Thanks for your positive words, and hopefully as I continue to step down over the next few weeks, my steps will be positive and so will my jump, and that travel is possibly. 

 

[[To...]]

Thanks TooManyBennies - I am sorry about your loss but glad that you turned it into a positive situation.

 

I will be traveling for 2 hours to doctors visits for hubby then 2 hours back. Definitely not a huge trip but travel messes with my vision anymore - hence the reason why I am a bit anxious about the trip - particularly 2 to 3 weeks after a jump. I will be at either .0625 to .03125 mg of a small dose of Xanax at my jump - but taken for 22 years. My taper has been .0625 every 2 weeks down from the baby dose of .50 a day.

 

I am honestly trying not to think about it, lol, but I am still a bit concerned about the time frame - so much so that I have even thought about bumping his appointments a month ahead - just in case I am needed to drive. I plan to voluntarily withdraw from driving for a month - just as a precaution. I will play it by ear for the next cut then decide if I am going to go for the gold and continue at my pace AND travel after the jump, or whether it would be smart to simply schedule his appointments later into April.

 

Thanks for your positive words, and hopefully as I continue to step down over the next few weeks, my steps will be positive and so will my jump, and that travel is possibly. 

It sounds like a plan, Deejan. I think it is smart to stay within yourself and what you feel comfortable with, rather than have it be a pressure or deadline driven thing. Some things are like that -- not moveable -- other things are (like appointments). Hope everything goes without a hitch!