Emotionally NUMB Group

[[of...]]

I have no idea. Ive heard from older members talking about it going away but it takes a few years

[[of...]]

So three nights ago i had a dream that i was downstairs with my friend, and i felt intense pressure in my head. I looked behind me and all of the pictures on the wall were floating and spinning. I FELT fear So intense that i screamed in the dream, and actually woke myself up screaming.

 

For me, as terrifying as this dream was, it was good in a way because i actually 'felt' Terrified.

 

So yesterday i woke up, and i felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach,  that feeling that says GET UP!! GET UP!! And the same thing an hour ago. I started my car, kindof forgot about it. Then i realized my car was running and i had that SHOCK in the Chest feeling. I think this is a good sign

[[Wa...]]

* off everything 27* I think it is a good sign, a very good sign.  Funny that the other night I had a dream that my daughter's puppy was peeing on my bed and I gasped and sat straight up in the bed in a panic!  I don't remember ever doing that, except maybe when I was very little.  I've also started having dreams in the past month or so.  Dreams that I can remember.  It's a positive sign our brains are coming around.  The emotional areas are starting to heal. 

 

You 'felt' a real emotion!  Hopefully next time it won't terror but I know we take what we can get 

[[of...]]

Yes! That's great! My biggest thing is I can't accept that I don't feel a deep connection to life anymore. I feel lost

[[Wa...]]

I don't know if it's possible to be exact same person after (healed or mostly healed) this ordeal.  I'm trying to accept that I'm not going to be one of the lucky ones who just suffers for a few months and presto! 

 

I've lost my disability since I reported I've gone off all my meds and will have to get a job in the new year.  It really concerns me because I don't think I'm going to be able to really be convincing.  Also getting motivated to have to start my life over at 46 is rather daunting. 

 

I can totally identify with feeling "lost".  Maybe not getting in too deep is a good thing?.  Is there a particular aspect of life you wish you could connect deeper to?  Hope that's not too personal.

 

 

[[of...]]

Hey. Good luck with your job search!  I hate working for people.  I was a toyota tech for ten years up until late last year. I'm back to school for nursing 

 

For me, i simply cant process emotional stuff. I feel disconnected. 

 

Anyways. I'm taking a break from the forum. I hope everyone gets better and shares it with this group!

[[of...]]

[[Wa...]]

On the bright side, being numb will help going into the healthcare field.  I was training to be an x-ray back during Desert Storm, the healthcare system was screwed then and even more so now.  But hey you'll probably never be laid off

 

Peace.

[[Na...]]

A lot of neurotransmitters and hormones are still out of balance. We just need to be patient. This is the last thing to heal for most of us.

[[of...]]

So your an x ray technician?

 

I hear you napd. Patience is a tough one for me

[[Wa...]]

Napdmd, I feel like all my neurotransmitters are back firing and thanks to hormone imbalance the weight gain has just been the cherry on the w/d sundae!  I equate it to someone who is healing from a traumatic brain injury. I've basically resigned myself to the fact that I may never be the same person I was before and maybe that's not such a bad thing.  Thankfully I don't get that worked up about it now and if I do, it doesn't last long.

 

 

OE27, no, that was back in my 20's and sticking a tube up a scared 90 year old's ass for the rest of my life didn't appeal to me.  Looking back I should have stuck with it and gone into nuclear medicine but hey everything happens for a reason. 

[[of...]]

Bahaha!  Hey, if i'm making 40$ an hour and able to work overtime its worth it

[[Tr...]]

Is this the dp/dr group?

[[of...]]

Bump

[[Al...]]

Yup, emotionally numb. Gray. Robotic.. I also feel disconnected from everyone and everything; not in dp/dr kinda way, but just can't "feel" the presence of anything. It's due to dopamine, and atm. I think I might have serious health problem with dopamine defiecency. I got all the symptoms listed in as symptoms of low dopamine, and I mean every single f*cking one. I haven't been able to enjoy life in a long time and I seriously been thinking if this is actually worth it at all.

 

Damn I miss living... 

[[of...]]

I know right.. Caffiene seems to awaken my emotions for a few hours.. But when i crash from caffiene now after xanax withdrawal.. Its like i'm withdrawling from heroin

[[Wa...]]

I have been there(emotionally blunted) off and on for the last year & a half. It began when I had been on benzos for 6 years. I was taking about .5mg clonazepam on most days. My NP at the time put me on Seroquel which helped with my anxiety and insomnia so well that I quit taking clonazepam.

 

About a month or two after I basically quit clonazepam CT, I noticed something was wrong. I couldn't feel anything. I had dp/dr symptoms. I thought I was having an off day. But that turned into a whole week. By the end of the week I began having panic & anxiety attacks. Then I was suicidal. I blamed Seroquel.

 

I spent 3 days hospitalized. Started taking Wellbutrin. Some emotions started to come back, but it also worsened my anxiety tenfold. My NP put me on 3mg clonazepam daily. I began to feel more again; I was able to feel empathy, remorse, compassion, connections of some kind...I was also able to laugh, liked eating food again(like my taste buds were "turned back on"), my libido returned, and I could feel *something* from listening to music. I wasn't able to feel much love or joy though, which frightened me and sent me into despair.

 

I ended up in a clinical trial for severe depression where I was given an infusion of Ketamine. I was told to wean myself off of clonazepam temporarily because it might interfere with the benefits of Ketamine. I couldn't will myself to do so, & quit CT a day before the trial. After the Ketamine infusion, I no longer felt despair or suicidal. Later that night withdrawal symptoms hit me HARD. DP/DR, severe panic, physical numbness, pain, dizziness, hallucinations, etc. Of course, I panicked & blamed Ketamine.

 

A wonderful doctor suggested that my depression may have been caused or worsened by taking benzos for so long. I still blamed Ketamine & Seroquel, but took into serious consideration that I should eventually quit the benzos. I reinstated clonazepam .5mg 3x daily. I felt "better" after a month. Not baseline, but able to feel emotions other than terror or suicidal despair. I had many, many windows despite being depressed for an entire year. I began tapering from clonazepam in May. My depression broke after taking a small to moderate dose of psilocybin in September. I switched from clonazepam to Valium shortly after, & began to taper.

 

Sadly, I am back in the emotionally blunted hell now after doctors forced me to go CT from Valium. Everything feels "diluted", except for sheer terror and absolute despair. Those emotions send me into dp/dr mode & then I go numb. Wash, rinse, repeat...it's a vicious cycle. I do believe the numbness has something to do with an increase in cortisol levels, our minds going into fight or flight mode, and then "freezing" as a self-defense mechanism. For some this happens so quickly they don't know what hit them, others it takes awhile. Either way, I think recovery is certainly possible but stress worsens everything. Trying to stay calm whenever possible helps a lot...it helps our brains heal more quickly...easier said than done. But I wish everyone the best in their recovery.

[[Al...]]

I have been there(emotionally blunted) off and on for the last year & a half. It began when I had been on benzos for 6 years. I was taking about .5mg clonazepam on most days. My NP at the time put me on Seroquel which helped with my anxiety and insomnia so well that I quit taking clonazepam.

 

About a month or two after I basically quit clonazepam CT, I noticed something was wrong. I couldn't feel anything. I had dp/dr symptoms. I thought I was having an off day. But that turned into a whole week. By the end of the week I began having panic & anxiety attacks. Then I was suicidal. I blamed Seroquel.

 

I spent 3 days hospitalized. Started taking Wellbutrin. Some emotions started to come back, but it also worsened my anxiety tenfold. My NP put me on 3mg clonazepam daily. I began to feel more again; I was able to feel empathy, remorse, compassion, connections of some kind...I was also able to laugh, liked eating food again(like my taste buds were "turned back on"), my libido returned, and I could feel *something* from listening to music. I wasn't able to feel much love or joy though, which frightened me and sent me into despair.

 

I ended up in a clinical trial for severe depression where I was given an infusion of Ketamine. I was told to wean myself off of clonazepam temporarily because it might interfere with the benefits of Ketamine. I couldn't will myself to do so, & quit CT a day before the trial. After the Ketamine infusion, I no longer felt despair or suicidal. Later that night withdrawal symptoms hit me HARD. DP/DR, severe panic, physical numbness, pain, dizziness, hallucinations, etc. Of course, I panicked & blamed Ketamine.

 

A wonderful doctor suggested that my depression may have been caused or worsened by taking benzos for so long. I still blamed Ketamine & Seroquel, but took into serious consideration that I should eventually quit the benzos. I reinstated clonazepam .5mg 3x daily. I felt "better" after a month. Not baseline, but able to feel emotions other than terror or suicidal despair. I had many, many windows despite being depressed for an entire year. I began tapering from clonazepam in May. My depression broke after taking a small to moderate dose of psilocybin in September. I switched from clonazepam to Valium shortly after, & began to taper.

 

Sadly, I am back in the emotionally blunted hell now after doctors forced me to go CT from Valium. Everything feels "diluted", except for sheer terror and absolute despair. Those emotions send me into dp/dr mode & then I go numb. Wash, rinse, repeat...it's a vicious cycle. I do believe the numbness has something to do with an increase in cortisol levels, our minds going into fight or flight mode, and then "freezing" as a self-defense mechanism. For some this happens so quickly they don't know what hit them, others it takes awhile. Either way, I think recovery is certainly possible but stress worsens everything. Trying to stay calm whenever possible helps a lot...it helps our brains heal more quickly...easier said than done. But I wish everyone the best in their recovery.

 

Damn.. That's one hell of a story, I'm sorry you have to go trough with such psychological pain! My story differs quite a bit, but I seriously can tell you I know what that emotional numbness feels like since I've been in it for 5 whole years this summer. Tho emotional numbness in my case started after psilocybin trip which I ended by smoking a huge joint by accident all by myself (I guess it's due still lingering depersonalization disorder of some sort)... Those feelings you described (empathy, remorse, compassion, connections) they all sound like familiar but I have no idea what they feel like. I do get a faint feelings from time to time, but they are so faint I don't usually even recognize those. I don't seriously feel like a human anymore since I think human, as a concept, is defined by his emotions.. Damn how I miss being human

[[Wa...]]

Damn.. That's one hell of a story, I'm sorry you have to go trough with such psychological pain! My story differs quite a bit, but I seriously can tell you I know what that emotional numbness feels like since I've been in it for 5 whole years this summer. Tho emotional numbness in my case started after psilocybin trip which I ended by smoking a huge joint by accident all by myself (I guess it's due still lingering depersonalization disorder of some sort)... Those feelings you described (empathy, remorse, compassion, connections) they all sound like familiar but I have no idea what they feel like. I do get a faint feelings from time to time, but they are so faint I don't usually even recognize those. I don't seriously feel like a human anymore since I think human, as a concept, is defined by his emotions.. Damn how I miss being human

 

Thank you, kind sir. I am sorry that you have been feeling numb for so long. That must be horrible  I hope you don't mind me asking, but was your trip on psilocybin a bad one? Did smoking a joint give you a panic or anxiety attack? I have heard of folks having bad trips and/or bad experiences with cannabis, which led to emotional blunting(almost always related to dp/dr). Have you used psilocybin or cannabis since your symptoms began? I have been wanting to use psilocybin again to encourage neuronal growth, but I'm still having a great deal of panic and anxiety lately. I don't want to risk setting myself up for a bad trip. Cannabis always caused or worsened my dp/dr symptoms. THC is not for me, sadly. Though if it were, I don't think I would have ended up on benzos in the first place.

[[Al...]]

Damn.. That's one hell of a story, I'm sorry you have to go trough with such psychological pain! My story differs quite a bit, but I seriously can tell you I know what that emotional numbness feels like since I've been in it for 5 whole years this summer. Tho emotional numbness in my case started after psilocybin trip which I ended by smoking a huge joint by accident all by myself (I guess it's due still lingering depersonalization disorder of some sort)... Those feelings you described (empathy, remorse, compassion, connections) they all sound like familiar but I have no idea what they feel like. I do get a faint feelings from time to time, but they are so faint I don't usually even recognize those. I don't seriously feel like a human anymore since I think human, as a concept, is defined by his emotions.. Damn how I miss being human

 

Thank you, kind sir. I am sorry that you have been feeling numb for so long. That must be horrible  I hope you don't mind me asking, but was your trip on psilocybin a bad one? Did smoking a joint give you a panic or anxiety attack? I have heard of folks having bad trips and/or bad experiences with cannabis, which led to emotional blunting(almost always related to dp/dr). Have you used psilocybin or cannabis since your symptoms began? I have been wanting to use psilocybin again to encourage neuronal growth, but I'm still having a great deal of panic and anxiety lately. I don't want to risk setting myself up for a bad trip. Cannabis always caused or worsened my dp/dr symptoms. THC is not for me, sadly. Though if it were, I don't think I would have ended up on benzos in the first place.

 

The trip was awesome, except there was this one friend of mine who was on psychosis (he didn't do shrooms) and he just kinda ended up hanging with me and my friends. But the next morning when I woke up, I was gone; I can't remember much of it, just that I felt really separated from the reality and my emotions were gone, I experienced only fear and loneliness. I have to say that I've experienced full blown DP and DR both separately, and as I remember this was the same feeling. Also, I didn't have dp/dr due to cannabis until year ago, and I still kept smoking it anyways (when I was high enough, didn't feel dp/dr, just the "normal" stoned). I was high all the time, fully functional, I just enjoyed being high. The dp/dr is only just literally in my head; I get hyper aware of my thoughts and start questioning myself and the thoughts. I loved weed, it was part of me and my personality, which made it so hard to quit, but I did (tho I'm going to try it again at some point to see if it still "fucks me up"). I used to get super anxious about the dp/dr, thought I was going crazy and whatnot, now I am just "oh you again"...

 

I miss the emotions, the feeling of being connected to the world, but I don't really care about it anymore. I just "go with the flow" (which is funny since I don't feel the flow ) and try to live my life. Not the easiest task, but I'll manage somehow.

 

I've wanted to try shrooms again, but only after this w/d circus is over (whenever that may be), been thinking that maybe I just didn't finish the trip, and maybe after it I could reconnect with the world. I mean, how much more harm can it cause?

 

[[be...]]

Does anyone here ever get windows of emotion? Right now I've been emotionally numb for a bit over 5 months after quitting phenibut/xanax cold turkey.

[[Ca...]]

Well I do feel guilt, remorse, grief, anger very rarely, sadness and fear -- notice that these are all negative emotions.

 

What I have not felt are joy, relief, pleasure, calm, anticipation, ...however, I do find myself laughing at funny things now which is new.  Or sometimes I will smile to myself if something strikes me as comical.

[[be...]]

Carol jean, how long have you been emotionally numb for?Also, Its good your starting to laugh and smile even though you can't feel emotion behind it yet, I actually recently started getting the same thing. I wonder if this is a step closer towards healing... I hope it is.

[[Ca...]]

Benzoquit -- my goodness -- you ct from a high dose of benzos and your sx are not too bad for the amount of time you are off....how long did you take those benzos..

 

I started getting the numbness about a month afterI finished my ct taper of two weeks...ouch -- it seems that as I get "better" -- e.g., not falling over with exhaustion any more just exhausted, less terror and more agitation, severe depression rather than suicidal, some reduction in lower back nerve pain -- that the numbness gets worse.  However, I do remember talking with regular people and really having to force myself to feign interest in them such as "how are you" was a stretch -- now I can sometimes feel some interest in what someone is saying...but I don't feel any emotion, it's more curiosity I guess than anything.  It's almost as if the more I start to come to, my brain is trying to protect my nervous system by shutting down feelings.  Too bad anxiety and fear don't get shut down, too.

 

I generally feel like I am only about half here in life right now.  So the numbness is not surprising.  I am happy to hear that your dr has lifted.  I have it and it's a major nuisance.

[[be...]]

Thanks Carol Jean, and I've took the benzos/phenibut for about 8-11 months on and off before I decided to quit cold turkey. I do feel like I'm healing though, but I don't want to jinx anything. When I first CT, for the first few months I felt like I couldn't smile at all, all the muscles in my face felt extremely tight. But now after 5 months and 7 days I can smile and laugh but there's no emotion behind it. Carol Jean I'm sorry your going through all those horrible symptoms, one day you'll be fully healed and when you are fully healed make sure to post a success story. I can relate with you on feeling no emotion, but feeling kinda feeling curious/interested in stuff. It sucks that you still experiencing anxiety and fear though... that sounds horrible. Your anhedonia and emotional numbness will heal someday, when it does PM me or post here...I'll do the same.