4 Years Benzo Free - Finally Writing My Success Story

[[fr...]]

I hear ya, Marigold...  I thought it was absurd when I heard her say that, too.  I'm sorry I wrote that and kinda wonder why I did.  Maybe because I was thinking of how different it all looks on the other side of healing, even if the struggle is pure hell.  I dunno and hope you take me with a grain of salt.

 

Wishing you comfort and healing,

 

Freida 

[Guest [Ru...]]

I'm sorry I wrote that and kinda wonder why I did. 

 

Dearest Freida,

 

Your posts are a light to many on here! Please don't ever apologise for writing a truth.

 

I spoke to Baylissa recently. She told me exactly the same thing: that if she had to live through the whole w/d nightmare again, she would do so willingly three times over - as so much meaning, growth, and happiness resulted from what she'd learnt, and how wonderful her life is today (as a direct result of that experience).

 

I know it's not a popular viewpoint when we're suffering badly, but it really is a matter of perspective (which we often gain later on in healing, only) - and perhaps choice, sometimes. I, too, survived trauma as a child, and later a supremely violent episode akin to rape in my 20s. I suffered from PTSD, and also had to overcome Morgellon's disease, during which time my family abandoned me. Now, in my 'better' moments during w/d (relatively speaking, as I have only rare, brief moments of reprieve at this stage), I agree with Oprah. I can already glimpse my direction changing in ways that I would never have fathomed...for the better.

 

So no, I'm not sorry I experienced any of the traumas I did, including w/d! It is showing me my strength...I know also that I'll not take the smallest joy, kindness or ounce of health for granted ever again. It's teaching me to care for my health at a whole new level, and to base my decisions and future goals on real values - balance, true health, peace, hope, giving back, kindness.... The darkness of w/d is showing me the preciousness of these things. How can I regret this experience, then?

 

I'm no Pollyanna. On my worst w/d days, I use language and call God names I never thought would come out of my mouth...I rage, scream... But I can't deny the gifts I'm glimpsing at the end of this nightmare. Life is beautiful.

 

Much love to you, dear Freida. God bless.

[[pr...]]

I'm sorry I wrote that and kinda wonder why I did. 

 

Dearest Freida,

 

Your posts are a light to many on here! Please don't ever apologise for writing a truth.

 

I spoke to Baylissa recently. She told me exactly the same thing: that if she had to live through the whole w/d nightmare again, she would do so willingly three times over - as so much meaning, growth, and happiness resulted from what she'd learnt, and how wonderful her life is today (as a direct result of that experience).

 

I know it's not a popular viewpoint when we're suffering badly, but it really is a matter of perspective (which we often gain later on in healing, only) - and perhaps choice, sometimes. I, too, survived trauma as a child, and later a supremely violent episode akin to rape in my 20s. I suffered from PTSD, and also had to overcome Morgellon's disease, during which time my family abandoned me. Now, in my 'better' moments during w/d (relatively speaking, as I have only rare, brief moments of reprieve at this stage), I agree with Oprah. I can already glimpse my direction changing in ways that I would never have fathomed...for the better.

 

So no, I'm not sorry I experienced any of the traumas I did, including w/d! It is showing me my strength...I know also that I'll not take the smallest joy, kindness or ounce of health for granted ever again. It's teaching me to care for my health at a whole new level, and to base my decisions and future goals on real values - balance, true health, peace, hope, giving back, kindness.... The darkness of w/d is showing me the preciousness of these things. How can I regret this experience, then?

 

I'm no Pollyanna. On my worst w/d days, I use language and call God names I never thought would come out of my mouth...I rage, scream... But I can't deny the gifts I'm glimpsing at the end of this nightmare. Life is beautiful.

 

Much love to you, dear Freida. God bless.

 

I love your attitude Rubylove and I too know that i am changing for the better.

[Guest [Ru...]]

preachergirl, thank you - I know your life will be on a much higher level when this w/d journey is complete... Wishing you the brightest future!

[[pr...]]

preachergirl, thank you - I know your life will be on a much higher level when this w/d journey is complete... Wishing you the brightest future!

 

Thank You Sweetie!

[[Ma...]]

I'm sorry I wrote that and kinda wonder why I did. 

 

Dearest Freida,

 

Your posts are a light to many on here! Please don't ever apologise for writing a truth.

 

I spoke to Baylissa recently. She told me exactly the same thing: that if she had to live through the whole w/d nightmare again, she would do so willingly three times over - as so much meaning, growth, and happiness resulted from what she'd learnt, and how wonderful her life is today (as a direct result of that experience).

 

I know it's not a popular viewpoint when we're suffering badly, but it really is a matter of perspective (which we often gain later on in healing, only) - and perhaps choice, sometimes. I, too, survived trauma as a child, and later a supremely violent episode akin to rape in my 20s. I suffered from PTSD, and also had to overcome Morgellon's disease, during which time my family abandoned me. Now, in my 'better' moments during w/d (relatively speaking, as I have only rare, brief moments of reprieve at this stage), I agree with Oprah. I can already glimpse my direction changing in ways that I would never have fathomed...for the better.

 

So no, I'm not sorry I experienced any of the traumas I did, including w/d! It is showing me my strength...I know also that I'll not take the smallest joy, kindness or ounce of health for granted ever again. It's teaching me to care for my health at a whole new level, and to base my decisions and future goals on real values - balance, true health, peace, hope, giving back, kindness.... The darkness of w/d is showing me the preciousness of these things. How can I regret this experience, then?

 

I'm no Pollyanna. On my worst w/d days, I use language and call God names I never thought would come out of my mouth...I rage, scream... But I can't deny the gifts I'm glimpsing at the end of this nightmare. Life is beautiful.

 

Much love to you, dear Freida. God bless.

 

I am sorry for each child that has been sexually abused, I am sorry for each human that is abused, for each person on earth that is tortured, frightened , or gets hurt so that he or she has flashbacks and damages all the life from that day on  - I am sorry for that because it is not right.

And I will never tell anyone "its a matter of perspective" or "choice" what we make out of that.

I think this is just another burden we put on the victims - well, you have been raped, but it made you what you are today so please choose what you want to do with that experience.

 

 

I will never say I am not sorry because I did not deserve to get traumatized

and I would be the same lovely person I am today without that trauma.

There was no need to traumatize me in order to become that loving human I am today!

 

 

Marigold

[[Ma...]]

I hear ya, Marigold...  I thought it was absurd when I heard her say that, too.  I'm sorry I wrote that and kinda wonder why I did.  Maybe because I was thinking of how different it all looks on the other side of healing, even if the struggle is pure hell.  I dunno and hope you take me with a grain of salt.

 

Wishing you comfort and healing,

 

Freida

 

Freida, no problem. I have explained in my further post. Its the idea of "the trauma has changed me for the better" that I cannot support, because that would mean that bad people get traumatized to change for the better while the good ones do not get any trauma. Thats absurd.

And I am convinced that no one on earth needs to be traumatized to find her or his way in life, her or his gifts.

[Guest [Ru...]]

Marigold, I understand completely how you can see it the way you do. I used to feel exactly like that.

 

First, no one is saying that trauma is ever 'right' or deserved, or 'needed' by 'bad' people to become better people. Certainly not!

 

The point is, we don't get to choose or control whether we experience a trauma. It's not a choice, it's not within our control.

 

What is always within our control (in fact, one of the few things in life that is), is our response/reaction to what happens to us. I choose to take my power back by using trauma to become a better, stronger, more compassionate person. That way, I can turn the trauma around; it doesn't 'win' - I insist on gaining something from it.

 

Yes, I was a victim of trauma. No, I didn't stay a victim of trauma (after having completed extensive trauma work - not saying anyone should ever deny/gloss over the damage and the pain and the rage and the unfairness) - I chose not to remain a victim. And yes, I discovered gifts and lessons that I probably wouldn't have otherwise - so I'm happier for it.

 

People certainly don't 'need' to be traumatized to find their gifts...but that's the point of what Oprah was saying: we don't get to choose what happens to us. We get to choose what we take from it. And in so doing, we take back our power. And, finally, our freedom.

[Guest [Ru...]]

Also, I don't think there's necessarily one 'right' way to interpret or respond to traumatic experiences. We are all on different journeys, and we are where we're at. There is no judgment.

 

There are, however, ways of looking at/re-framing our past experiences that, for some of us, are perhaps more helpful than other ways. It's important that people realise they do not need to feel they're the victims of past trauma for the rest of their lives. You can rewrite the old stories... There's real strength and joy in that.

[[Ma...]]

Marigold, I understand completely how you can see it the way you do. I used to feel exactly like that.

 

First, no one is saying that trauma is ever 'right' or deserved, or 'needed' by 'bad' people to become better people. Certainly not!

 

The point is, we don't get to choose or control whether we experience a trauma. It's not a choice, it's not within our control.

 

What is always within our control (in fact, one of the few things in life that is), is our response/reaction to what happens to us. I choose to take my power back by using trauma to become a better, stronger, more compassionate person. That way, I can turn the trauma around; it doesn't 'win' - I insist on gaining something from it.

 

Yes, I was a victim of trauma. No, I didn't stay a victim of trauma (after having completed extensive trauma work - not saying anyone should ever deny/gloss over the damage and the pain and the rage and the unfairness) - I chose not to remain a victim. And yes, I discovered gifts and lessons that I probably wouldn't have otherwise - so I'm happier for it.

 

People certainly don't 'need' to be traumatized to find their gifts...but that's the point of what Oprah was saying: we don't get to choose what happens to us. We get to choose what we take from it. And in so doing, we take back our power. And, finally, our freedom.

 

Sorry, NO!

You are making me really angry. You do not need to explain to me that its real joy or strength or whatever to see things you do. Or that people need to know they can rewrite the past. Or that you have thought long time as I am now, but now you are much further ..

To make it clear:

 

The statement was: "you've fully recovered when you can honestly say you're not sorry a traumatic event happened to you".

Which clearly says: You are not fully recovered when you are sorry a traumatic event happened to you.

 

This would mean that personally I am not fully recovered.I feel offended by that - And its just not true.

 

I dont have to rewrite the old stories, dont you get that?

I dont need to re-frame the past.

I live in peace now, I feel healed from my trauma, - but still I am not grateful this happened to me and still I am sorry that I had to suffer so much.

 

 

To be sorry that a trauma happenes just means to be sad for my older self that this happened.

It doesn't mean I am stuck in the old event forever.

 

I am stepping off that topic now. We are hijacking a wonderful thread of a success story.

 

Marigold

 

 

[[La...]]

I forgot to check to see if there were comments here and, again, my apologies for not looking here and so late in replying.

 

Lupis2:  I'm elated if my story gives you hope and inspiration; but, I'm so sorry this horror-show-of-an-experience happened to you.  I truly am sorry that you ended up fracturing your foot while stumbling around in the middle of the night.  The loss of balance is so crazy...  I often wondered, for me anyway, if the loss of balance was tied to my complete loss of memory, because I seemed to have lost my "muscle memory", too, when I was so sick...  I could barely put a glass on the table without it taking all my mental energy to not slam it down and spill it.  These symptoms are so surreal.  I have to say that absolutely everything that went wrong with me, even the muscle wasting, has completely been resolved.  I'm sure it'll prove to be that way for you, too.  I wish I had words of wisdom.  All I know is that it helped me tremendously to take the advice from everyone's Success Story "helpful hints" and try to follow them; and, while I was busy trying to cope with, mitigate, or just endure the symptoms, thankfully time passed and I was finally healed.  It's an experience I'll never forget.  It changed me, and I hope for the better, and can't wait for that day to come for you, too.  My heart is with you. 

 

Hope2015:  You are so sweet!  I'm sorry that your heart is breaking...  mine was, too...  I was physically/mentally ill as well as heart and soul sick in recovery.  All the energy in my world was negative...  everything that could go wrong, did go wrong; and, it killed me to see myself and all my relationships fall apart.  I can so relate.  Yes, that's really all you can do is hang on to what you have and maintain the status quo as much as possible until your day of healing finally arrives.  I was certainly in survival mode and, for the first time in my life, took seriously my need to protect my nervous system at all costs...  it turns out to be as important of a body function as our circulatory or digestive systems, and actually more so.  I, too, prayed and cried nearly every minute of every day, except the times I had to pretend to be well around other people, and then come home to fall apart and recuperate after every unavoidable personal encounter.  I, too, thought I'd lost everything; but, it turned out that I really hadn't...  it just turned out that everyone else was going on with their lives, and I was left behind in my misery.  I promise you, though, that the day your symptoms fall away, you'll realize that things aren't as dire as your healing-brain would have you believe.  It is all going to be alright, and I'm not saying that to placate you...  we all do heal, and your day is coming.  And, when the symptoms fall away, it'll hit you that you've just survived one of the most horrendously-challenging ordeals that could possibly happen to a human being; and, right then and there, you'll be filled with the knowledge of how strong, resilient, resourceful, and incredible you truly are!  What seems to have ruined you will actually become the thing that propels you forward for the rest of your life...  kind of like the bow of an archers bow-and-arrow...  the farther back it's pulled, the farther the arrow will go when it's finally released.  Thanks for enjoying the conversations I had with my husband...  I read on BB where someone said, "If your spouse is even still with you, they are supporting you"; and, I'd said some blunt things to my husband in my anger when he didn't believe that I was really sick in recovery...  one time I said to him, "I'm sick now; but, if I get better and I still hate you, I'm leavin' you".  I'm still constantly shocked that we're not divorced; and, after two years of being recovered, we're actually getting along quite well.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done to forgive the people who abandoned me in recovery, but I had to or I'd have been eaten alive by the rage I felt.  I promise you that you're not only going to be okay, you will be better than okay when these symptoms subside.

 

Carita:  Thank you!  It made me especially lonely to not participate on BB, but I knew I wanted to post my Success Story because they'd done so much to help me through this.  I'm sorry you can relate with mine, but I'm glad if it lets you know that you're not alone in your symptoms and not alone in how long this is taking.  In all my research and reading Success Stories, there seemed to be a large consensus of opinion that year number 3 proved to bring much healing and improvement.  It wouldn't be so bad to be so so excruciatingly sick for a short time, and it wouldn't be so bad to be slightly ill for a very long time; but, boy, this recovery can just be so intense and can last so long.  I know how tiring this is and how hard it is to keep a good thought; but, you never know...  your day of healing could be right around the next corner, and I hope your day is very soon, and there's no reason it won't be.  I know what you mean about giving up hope that it will ever happen; but, I'd safely stake my life on it...  you will get better...  you will heal.  If you've ever had a happy day in your life and you were healthy before recovery, you will be happy and regain your health again when these horrific symptoms finally lift.  Thanks, yes, I'm enjoying the return of good health, although I sometimes forget to be as grateful for it as I was initially.  Thank you for your well wishes, and I send you my own to you, too.  With admiration, appreciation, and warmth, Freida

 

Rubylove:  Oh, you are so precious!  Your compliments warm my heart and, for that, it is I who thank You!  Thank you!  I'm tellin' ya, this kind of suffering sure does give a person a different perspective, and I know it's affected my personal sense of compassion from what I used to have.  You express it so well...  crawling toward the end of hell.  This experience is unbelievable and is made especially hard because it is so unbelievable.  I'm glad you liked my stories of my husband...  poor guy, I sure dealt him a fit for all that time...  I'm not even sure how we made it, or how I made it.  This actually did change both of us, for the better.  Indeed, this will all look different to you in retrospect and when the dark thinking lifts.  Oh, I hear you about not being able to string two sentences together...  I just couldn't do it.  Whether you know it or not, you still have the gift with "word" and yours make me feel like a million bucks...  thank you!  I wish I knew something to say or do that will make this go faster or better for you.  All I can think of to say is to please just remember to follow good nervous-system hygiene and do all the little things you can to relax your CNS at every opportunity...  please remember to smile, whether you feel like it or not, because it's surprising just how subtly that lifts your spirits; also, remember to stand and sit up straight, suck in your gut and push out your chest...  it will help you breath (remember, you've been on muscle relaxers, and our diaphragm is a muscle that needs to be kept in shape).  The good news is that God is apparently in hell, too, because He's there with you now and He will lead you back out of this.  I want to remind you, too, that God greatly rewards every single tiny bit of faith you have...  He has promised to repay you double for your current suffering; and, there's not a doubt in my mind that, when this is behind you, your life will be immeasurably better than it ever has before.  I'm sending you my love, too, Lara...  keep praying and He will answer all your prayers.  It is in the seeking that we find.

 

I'll try to keep a better eye on comments here and, again, my apologies for taking so long to respond. 

 

I'll be thinking of you and praying for a quick and complete recovery for everyone on BB.  Someone's Success Story is titled "An experience like no other", and that's true; but, struggle has taken a million forms with millions of people, and gurus throughout the ages have known how important it is for us to pamper and cater to our nervous systems at certain points in our lives.  This is undoubtedly the most difficult struggle of my life, and I promise you that your pain will not have been in vain.  Once we learn all the ways to cope with the symptoms (being patient while waiting to heal, learning to self-sooth/comfort, distracting from the tormenting thoughts, finally treating ourselves like the precious people we are), our nerves will never be a problem again.

 

Sorry this is so long.

 

My heart goes out to everyone here,

 

Freida

 

Thanks so much for addressing my post, Freida. It means a lot to me. Great advice! Benzos can interfere with balance and coordination, as well as muscular function, so what you described fits in with the picture. I remember reading an article by a long-term benzo user named Matt Samet, and he described something similar to what you did. I believe it's quite common. Anyway, I'm thrilled that you're doing so well, and if it happens for me too, I'll be over the moon. It's been a brutal experience, and I can't wait to put it all behind me.

 

I admire you so much for coming back to encourage the rest of us. It's a lovely gift, so thank you again.

 

Take good care, and enjoy!

[Guest [Ru...]]

Also, I don't think there's necessarily one 'right' way to interpret or respond to traumatic experiences. We are all on different journeys...

 

Marigold, in my quote above I made it 100% clear that there is no one 'right' way of looking at anything - that all ways can be equally valid, provided the person finds peace and healing within their own interpretation. I also stated that Oprah's interpretation is helpful perhaps 'for some of us' (2nd paragraph) under certain circumstances.

 

I don't appreciate your aggressive tone on this life-affirming thread, including when I was simply pointing out the positive aspect of - and my agreement with - Freida's post. This thread is not about you. This is Freida's success story, and she is fully entitled to agree with Oprah's sentiment, as she originally wrote (and shouldn't feel the need to apologise for it to anyone). I'll refrain from responding to your rudeness on here in future.

[[Ma...]]

Also, I don't think there's necessarily one 'right' way to interpret or respond to traumatic experiences. We are all on different journeys...

 

Marigold, in my quote above I made it 100% clear that there is no one 'right' way of looking at anything - that all ways can be equally valid, provided the person finds peace and healing within their own interpretation. I also stated that Oprah's interpretation is helpful perhaps 'for some of us' (2nd paragraph) under certain circumstances.

 

I don't appreciate your aggressive tone on this life-affirming thread, including when I was simply pointing out the positive aspect of - and my agreement with - Freida's post. This thread is not about you. This is Freida's success story, and she is fully entitled to agree with Oprah's sentiment, as she originally wrote (and shouldn't feel the need to apologise for it to anyone). I'll refrain from responding to your rudeness on here in future.

 

I have been on this board for over 3 years now. I think its okey, to say that I am not the same opinion and that some quotes make me angry. In a frank conversation both sides should be accepted. This thread is not about us, its a successtorry - I have said this before. Its interesting that I sound aggressive to you, ever wondered about that. Its okey now.

[[Ca...]]

Dear Freida,

  Thank you for responding to my post. You are lovely to take the time to encourage us. It makes such a difference when we hear from others who KNOW this journey and have made it to wellness. I am in awe at how we keep finding strength...your support nudges me forward.

 

With gratitude,

Carita

 

[[fr...]]

Rubylove:  Thank you for your lovely comments.  I know someone online, who knows a recovery therapist, who says that Benzo recoverers are the nicest people in the world.  And, I quite agree.

 

Marigold1:  I truly must apologize for what I said.  I wasn't thinking, and I absolutely do see what you're saying, and I didn't mean to say that a person has to be glad for their tragedy or it means they didn't heal.  Oh gosh, that's not what I mean to say at all, but it seems I certainly did and, for that, I do apologize.  I was insensitive.  It never dawned on me that there was any worse torment than benzo recovery but, of course, there is.  I really was only talking in the context of benzo recovery.  I do think that, one day, when this is a distant memory, all you'll remember is the profound things you'd learned about:  being patient in the fact of how intense and long this process is, and not becoming anxious about it; being resourceful in finding ways to distract from the horrific intrusive thoughts; finding strength in not falling apart when it's all you can do, not to; being resilient in coping with the symptoms, day after dismal day; learning to verbally/mentally self-comfort when you're headed toward an anxiety attack; realizing how incredible you feel to have come out the other side of recovery.  That's really all I meant.  I'm so sorry for your experience.  My mother was verbally abusive, but there were a lot of us siblings to validate and console one another.  I thought Benzo recovery was the worst thing that could have happened to me, but it never dawned on me that people have experienced more challenging things...  I flattered myself at your expense, and I'm so sorry.

 

Thank you for your comments here.  I've never been the type to stick my neck out in the world and was a wall flower until my mother introduced me to alcohol at the age of 16.  It turned out that my mother was also dependent on Xanax and for my whole life, I never even knew it.  It certainly explains all the irrational drunken fights and suicide attempts, where bottles of pills were strewn across the floor next to her...  poor woman didn't have the internet and often didn't have the money to get her prescription, so I'm sure she supplemented things with alcohol.  She often said she drank to keep her skin from crawling.  When she was put in a nursing home, the nurses confiscated her benzo's, saying she was taking too many.  One time, when I was visiting her, she was sobbing because my sister narc'd on her and handed over the stash of Xanax she'd been hording, so I dug through all her old bathroom bags and boxes and found a hole bottle she'd hidden...  I've never seen my mom so happy.  I admonished my sister and asked her to make sure they never did that to her again.  When I went home after my trip, I promised my mother, if they ever confiscated her meds again to call me...  I'd drive across two states to give her one of mine and make sure she wasn't in withdrawal.  For gosh sakes, she was 81 and way too old to go through withdrawal.  When she died at the age of 84, we found 8 bottles of Xanax in her tiny nursing home room...  she was going to make sure she didn't run out.  It took me experiencing benzo recovery to finally give my mother the respect she so very much deserved, and I was just realizing my own dependency problem at the time I discovered hers.  I don't know how she did it, raising 6 kids on an 8th-grade education, moving from state to state, living in cars and parks, later listening to her pacing the floors at 4am when I knew she had to get up for work the next day, and drunk every single night.  My sister said mom had been on some flavor of benzo for something like 30 years.

 

Rubylove:  I love your description of your experience.  I wasn't until after my symptoms went away that I was able to see the changes that were occurring in me or to appreciate the lessons I'd learned.  I know that the skills I practiced out of sheer desperation to keep from doing something drastic, are the same skills I use to keep a smile on my face in spite of the fact that I'd always been prone to worry or getting anxious.  All I know is that, for the first time in my life, I'm not scared, I'm not angry, and there's no one I resent.  For me, that's huge.  I'm so glad you've found the silver lining to this insane storm cloud.  I agree with Preachergirl…  I like your attitude...  it's what I aspire to.

 

Marigold1:  Your response is lovely.  I'm stepping off this topic, too.  I should have taken more time to re-read it.  Thanks for understanding that I have no ill intentions.

 

Lapus2:  Thank you for your comment.  Thank you for being happy for me that I healed.  It's been 2 years now and the elation is starting to wear off and life-as-usual is setting in; and, yet, I can't help but be ecstatic from time to time when I think back on it, especially when I think of how much has changed since the time I thought I'd lost everything that mattered to me.  Whew...  when I was in the thick of it, I couldn't imagine that I'd ever find joy or be normal again.  I'm sure you'll be over the moon when this is all behind you, and I will be for you, too.  It's lovely of you to thank me for coming back...  I'm not sure that I have a clue what I'm doing.  I'm just answering any question that anyone might have, especially since I spent my first few years in recovery virtually alone, and it killed me inside to have absolutely zero support...  even just the validation, as half-hearted and late as it was in my experience, made a huge difference in the level of my anguish...  it seemed that, once I got someone to understand what I was going through, I stopped feeling so conflicted with how to pretend to be well when all I wanted to do was scream.

 

I won't keep writing.  Again, I maintain that Benzobuddies was my lifeline, even though I was too neurotic to participate.  The amazing level of information, support, and camaraderie gave me comfort, strategies, and a renewed confidence in humanity, that can't be found elsewhere.  You guys are incredible, and I'll never be able to express my appreciation adequately.

 

I sincerely do wish you all a quick recovery.

 

Much love,

 

Freida

[[fl...]]

Oh, Freida!!  Thank you so much for coming back!!  Please stay for a little while.  The people who have written my other favorite success stories are long gone, and it’s so discouraging, though understandable.  In my present state, it’s like losing a dear friend. Two things, well, three, for now: thank you for talking about your anger and jealousy.  I feel so guilty about these emotions.  The worst thing for me, though, has been  being obsessed with the idea that I will be too old—-I am in my 60’s—-to have a life after I recover, if I ever do—-I feel like Rip Van Winkle—-everything I knew has been swept away, and now I am too ancient to begin anew.  You give me hope.  Thank you!!!  I can’t remember the third thing!  Later!

[[ea...]]

Frieda,

I recall your name from the 6 years I have hung out here on BB. I am SO glad you are doing well now. I also wish I had the time to read ALL of your story, because it resonates with me for some reason.

 

BWD tests a persons true nature. Strong people (mentally) seem to make it better. And I sense your ARE strong, as I am too. I wish more were known about this stuff! Because I have been dealing with benzo issues for a heck of a long time, I get ideas and see connections and there is no science to back me up. I do believe the drug companies squelch research about these things. And that is just....awful.

much love and a big hug,

east

[[fr...]]

Dear Carita, thank you for your note!  It's my pleasure to let you know that I healed after a long time in recovery and I'm really glad if it encourages you.  All I know is that I lived on Success Stories when I was so sick, and I needed them to get me through the days of relentless struggle.  I hope you're improving and I also hope you know that, even if you're not showing improvement, it doesn't mean you're not healing.  I know how intense the symptoms are and how exhausting this all is, and I hope you find comfort and strength wherever you can find it.  I see that you were prescribed Xanax and Valium for pain, and I was prescribed it for Restless Leg Syndrome.  Doctors just don't understand what they're doing to us and I'm so sorry you got caught in the med trap, too.  Please remember that it's all the little things we do that leads to healing.  Please remember to smile, even if you don't feel like it, because it really does lighten our spirits.  And please remember to stand/sit up straight, shoulders back, stomach in, because we've been on muscle relaxers all this time and our diaphragm needs our help in getting all the oxygen we can get.  I also see that you have support from your husband and family...  I couldn't be more happy for you for that...  being without it is an added stressor at a time when it's imperative to find comfort.  I'll be thinking of you and sending you wishes for perfect health.  With admiration, Freida

 

Sweet Flibberty, thank you for your precious sense of humor...  I completely lost mine in recovery, but it's come back and I'm so grateful for that.  I actually thought my Success Story made its way to the bottom of the list, and I'm truly honored that anyone is still finding it helpful.  Oh golly, I was so consumed with jealousy and rage that I couldn't even stand myself...  I was jealous and hated complete strangers and anyone who even smiled, and the person I'd become wasn't like the old me at all...  I believe these thoughts are purely part of the myriad surreal mental symptoms.  For the life of me, when I was sick, I couldn't think of a single thing for which to be grateful and, because my feelings were so negative and severe, I had to work really hard to try to shove a single good thought into my head.  You know what I did?...  I used a principal that I found in a book from the movie "The Secret" that said to keep a gratitude journal of "future gratitudes", so I wrote:  "I am grateful that I am well, that I am surrounded by people who love me, and that my life is everything I want it to be.  I am sincerely grateful that my children adore me, that I have perfect health, and that all my dreams have come true", even though there wasn't a drop of truth to anything I wrote.  I think it was a good exercise and I offer it here just so that you might turn your mind toward a better frame of thought, even if it's not true right now.  I promise you, though, that all your feelings will go back to normal when the symptoms abate.  Please don't feel guilty about it, though...  even feeling guilty is more negative stress than your nervous system needs right now.  I'm also in my 60's, well 62 now, and I started this horror show in my 50's.  I promise you that you will regain everything you think you've lost...  even my muscle wasting has corrected itself and I'm getting back the muscle definition in my arms and thighs.  I also thought my life was over and that it was too late for me to begin again, but it's surprising how different you'll be thinking when the symptoms are gone...  you'll realize how strong you truly are and, as you get back to the business of living again, your body will get back into shape, too.  If it weren't for mirrors, I'd think I was in my 40's, and I'm not kidding...  I can still do 10 men's push ups, and I'm no athlete nor do I exercise.  You will get past this and life will be good again.  Maybe look at it this way:  Never in your life have you overcome so much and had this much wisdom under your belt, and that's invaluable.  I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well.  It's all going to be okay...  you'll see.

 

Dear East, yes I've been around here for a while, but didn't participate much as I was in and out of being too neurotic to write.  It feels like a lifetime ago, and I can't even quite remember the timeline.  I started to say that I'm glad my story resonates with you, but I'm really not glad because that means you're in benzo hell, too.  I'm so sorry you got caught in the med trap, too.  Oh yes, you're right as rain...  this experience sure tests our metal...  no matter how exhausted we are, we just keep pushing through from one day to the next.  Thank you for sensing that I'm strong, and I'd have never thought that of myself before; but, after what I've been through, I do know that deep down inside I have strong survival instincts and just kept trying anything, everything, I could think of to cope with the symptoms and calm my own nerves so they could rest and heal.  They say that desperate times call for desperate measures and I was desperate enough to try anything that could be done alone and at home and for free.  It looks like we have a similar timeframe...  I also jumped in 2012.  It's been a long row to hoe.  I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well.  Every moment that you spend with a positive thought is a moment for which your nervous system will thank you, and I hope you heal very very very soon.  Love and hugs, Freida

 

One thing I've noticed from reading Success Stories is that the longer it takes, it seems, the sweeter the victory of recovering.  Even now, when I think back on the symptoms, I can still feel the desperation of knowing that I couldn't think my way out of what was happening to me.  Absolutely nothing I did seemed to help, but I can tell you this, that every time you let your mind be in the "now" and escape the symptoms for even a moment by distracting from how horrible you feel, it's all those little moments that lead to healing.  Please know that, even if you don't feel immediately better, you are still healing and one day the symptoms will just disappear as quickly as they arose.  Suffering hasn't changed throughout the ages and wise men have known the importance of relaxation, recuperation, and rest for our nerves; and, for the first time in your life, please treat yourself like the gold you are, and I mean that literally.  You are precious and your nervous system health is vital, please take this time now to pamper, reward, and comfort yourselves, and there's not a doubt in my mind that you will heal sooner for it.

 

My heart goes out to all you brave benzo warriors, with love,

 

Freida

 

[[pr...]]

Thanks for writing your success story Freida. I can't wait to write mine, and like you suggests I have pampering myself since the beginning. I found that the best distraction for me has been trying to help others in my community and family. You are a wonderful writer and I feel the compassion flowing out of the pages. That is one thing I like about this process in that it has added to my already compassionate soul.

 

Blessings

PG

[Guest [Gi...]]

Thank you and God bless you!

 

G

[[fr...]]

Thanks for writing your success story Freida. I can't wait to write mine, and like you suggests I have pampering myself since the beginning. I found that the best distraction for me has been trying to help others in my community and family. You are a wonderful writer and I feel the compassion flowing out of the pages. That is one thing I like about this process in that it has added to my already compassionate soul.

 

Blessings

PG

 

Hi Preachergirl,

 

It's been a long time since I looked at the Benzo Buddies Success Stories and was surprised to see mine among the first several stories at the top of the stack.  Thank you for your comment.  You are so sweet.  I'd read that Benzo Recoverers are the nicest people in the world and you've certainly proved that to be true.  I'm glad to meet you and just sorry it's under these circumstances.

 

Thanks for your compliment about my writing, and I'm flattered that you say you can feel my compassion.  I'm sure I'm not worthy, but I do know that I can't help but feel pain when others are experiencing it, and I'm broken hearted that there are so many of us who've suffered so deeply.  Benzo recovery is cruel.

 

While I'm writing, I can't help but go ahead and give you an update since I posted here last.  My life's not perfect, of course, but my relationships have healed and I can honestly say that my life is better than ever before in my life.  I've recaptured those long-ago feelings of being "care free" and I've gotten back my sense of humor, feelings of love, my spontaneity, and joy of life.  In all honesty, I never thought I'd see the day and, the entire time I was in recovery, there was a part of me that couldn't figure out how life could ever be good again.  But, here I am.

 

When I was in recovery, all three of my adult children met and married their current spouses.  Egads!...  At that time, I was scared stupid over what all my new in-laws must've thought of me.  During all three of my kids' weddings, I hid from everyone because I was virtually too self-conscious to speak.  I was sick as a dog from all the stress of socializing, I though sure I'd be getting a divorce, I slammed my thumb in the car door after one of the weddings and didn't even cry (I was such a zombie), and I swore that all my kids hated me because I knew I hated everyone I knew, especially my husband.  This was all on top of the varying intensity of all the surreal recovery symptoms.  But, as it all turned out, and after some counselling sessions with my husband and younger daughter, I'm happy to report that all is well in my world.  I'm finally happy as an empty nester instead of crying over it and feeling so lonely; I'm able to drink a couple beers if I like; I can party and play with friends; all 3 of my adult kids are self sufficient and profess to be happy; I am now a grandmother of 5 boys and a girl, with 2 boys on the way; I spent my day today at the zoo with my younger daughter and her two young sons ages 2 and 3 (this is the daughter who told me I wasn't there for her, and it killed me to believe I was a failure as a mother, but that's all behind me now); I'm happily retired (I reluctantly retired early due to benzo recovery but, I'm finally saying "I'm retired" rather than saying "I'm unemployed and too sick to work"); I wrote letters to all my nieces and nephews to tell them why I disappeared all those years, and was pleasantly surprised at the one's who replied back with compassion and support; when I told some old friends what happened to me, they said, "Oh, baby...  why didn't you tell me?...  I'd have been there for you", and I finally got all the compassion and validation I so desperately needed all those years; I only ended up losing 2 friends during recovery and am finally over the fact that my best friend of 25 years dropped me when I was sick (which was a huge point of anger when I was in recovery...  I hated her guts for dumping me when I needed her, but I honestly don't hate anyone anymore, not even my prescribing psychiatrist); my memory is as good as it's ever been; my health is amazing and I'm completely pain free, which is rare for a 65-year-old woman; and, I can honestly say that I feel care free again...  I can do anything I please whenever I please and I feel good about myself and my relationships for the first time since the year 2006, the year I went on Xanax.  Absolutely all the prayers I prayed came true, except the one's where I wished I was dead, or wished my husband dead, and I didn't care which.  I know that sounds terrible, but I'm always going to be honest here and if I sugar-coat something, I'm going to say so.

 

I didn't mean to write all this.  I was just looking at the Success Stories to see if anyone had burning brain and then recovered.  I saw where some people said they had it and that they thought it was caused by their neuro receptors coming back online and rejuvenating themselves...  I hope that's true and it makes sense to me.  Anyway, I didn't have that symptom and was curious about it.

 

I wish you all wellness and all the joy in the world, sincerely,

 

Freida

 

 

[[le...]]

People who come back to help us deserve a medal. If I ever recover not sure I would be able to do it. My friend of over 25 years also dumped me, my. Mum recently died and secretly left everything to my sister which has hindered recovery.It seems an impossible dream at moment that I will ever recover but I salute everyone who has the courage to come back and help those still struggling.

[[...]]

Hi Freida,

 

Thanks for the update, I cried because I see myself reflected in many things and little by little I am recovering.

 

My best wishes for you :smitten:

 

[[Tr...]]

Oh Frieda 🙏🏼 Thank you for your recovery story and follow up replies. I’m hanging on every word.

My aunts name is Frieda so I’m pretending that you’re giving me some matriarchal advice as an aunt ☺️

My kids are 9 and 12 and I worry about how this affects them. I am open with them about the basics of what I’m going through and my husband is supportive.

I think about how much my tolerance and withdrawal has changed everything in my family. Cancelled vacations, road trips cut short, hangouts with friends cancelled.

I do a good bit of fake it until you make it, but it’s like I’m not emotionally there. I work very hard to make eye contact and truly listen to my kids when they talk. I have them join me when I do an evening yoga video. I’m trying to teach them how to be calm and breathe through discomforts (and legit holding on for dear life to the practice myself.)

 

I look forward fo being carefree and feeling present and having a beer at a bbq.

Thank you again 🙏🏼

 

[[Po...]]

Thank you Frieda