4 Years Benzo Free - Finally Writing My Success Story

[[do...]]

Hi Frieda

 

I read your story. Congratulations.  It provides some hope. Ive been at this now for 2.5 years. Not counting all the years prior when I was on the drug. Im working though, barely. Just making it through each day. I live alone so I have no friends to speak of. I do have lots of friends I have met online.

 

What I wanted to know is what should I be doing? The more I try to do the more my symptoms become more pronounced. So I stay to myself and try and keep quiet.

 

My schedule is as follows: I work at 4PM in a restaurant. I return home from work and watch TV until calm enough to try and get to sleep. Sleep is difficult so I just lay in bed and probably get 2 hour incremental spans of time where I fall off to sleep and dream. I then sleep until the late afternoon. 1PM. I make sure I sleep until I can no longer fall off to sleep.

 

I then wake up, feed my cat, and go downtown for a cup of coffee and then come home where I piddle around until I have to go to work again.

 

Thats been pretty much it.

 

I related to your mental psych cog symptoms so much which is why I am writing. You name it - I am experiencing it. From the severe depression, anxiety, DR DP, psychosis, brain zaps, vice gripping, intense emotions, rage, swirling in my brain, horrific thoughts and thinking and then the inability to use my mind for anything constructive. The list is endless.

 

My friends in benzo hell say I will get better. It seems impossible at the moment. Stand therapies dont put a dent in what I am experiencing.

 

My concern is I had anxiety and depression before ever ingesting meds. Though not like what I am experiencing now. My concern is since I had depression and anxiety before meds and now I am far worse, what hope do I have of ever getting well.

 

Some I have spoken to say we come out better than before meds. Some say that by going through this mess we somehow resolve our issues that plagued us in the past.

 

All I know is I would like my wholeness and be able to feel love, joy and connection to ALL of life. Including God and Spirit.

 

To feel alive and be able to be at peace within my own skin.

 

I never had esteem, self worth or much confidence.

 

God bless you and I am so envious of you. I wish for all of my heart that I can get well, now that meds are out of the picture.

 

Regards,

 

Bruce

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Thank you so much for this story .

I have had the craziest symptoms in my life , sometimes I feel I've forgotten everyone . I don't remember people and I'm just not connected to anyone .?i have bad memories from age 3 up to inappropriate things I did last year . It is like torture and I just don't want to remember but I guess that's part of the healing process .  Even the thought of God scares me that I'm terrified to pray ,  however I force myself . I feel crazy sensations in my head , sometimes it hurts , itches. Feels like something is moving inside . Obsessive Intrusive thoughts still here at month 13 . Please just tell me anything to make me feel better . I just want to be happy . I miss my mom, dad , husband and siblings .  😞😞😞

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Loved reading your story>so much I can relate to.Not feeling seen that kind of thing where you are participating in life but nobody sees you.I t is devastatingly lonely.Your words and details of how you got thru is very comforting to know there is a light at the end of This Tunnel.You are courageous and have a warm good heart.Thank you so much for your honesty,and being so human and real!wen :smitten:

[[fr...]]

I only just noticed that there were new comments here.  You guys are so amazing.  What we're going through shouldn't happen to a single person in this world, must less such lovely people as you.  Thank you for your comments. 

 

Wen...  Oh, God, there's no "lonely" like "benzo lonely", and I surely thought I'd die from it.  I wish I'd have had the brain cells to participate here and think it would have kept me from feeling so very alone all that time.  The strange thing is that, now that I'm recovered, I can't even conjure up those horrible feelings anymore...  even when I'm alone, and I'm alone all day, I don't feel lonely anymore at all.  You are so sweet.  Thank you!

 

Imek...  I know...  aren't the symptoms just mind-bending?  There are a million little subtle things that add up to a magnitude that's unfathomable and unexplainable.  I wondered if it's because the symptoms keep us so internally focused that we just can't connect outside ourselves.  I had that same thing:  everything bad in my life came into my head with a vengeance and tormented me with anger, guilt, self-recrimination, and self-loathing.  I didn't have great self-esteem to begin with, and I just wanted to crawl in a hole so that I wouldn't draw any attention to myself.  I do want to help you and make you feel better.  You're already doing the first thing that I would recommend, and that's to pray.  I never even knew how to pray before this all happened; and, my first prayer was, "Please God, please teach me how to pray."  And, to tell you the truth, I've read tons of self-help books in my life; and, nothing improved things for me like prayer...  I'll never doubt again its power.  I know that people say to "distract distract distract"; and, I would picture my obsessive thoughts in my mind and mentally hit them with a big rubber mallet, like in a game of wack-a-mole.  Or, I'd wrestle them and put their arms behind their backs in a full-nelson and shove them out a door.  It's just my opinion, but I think that any moment that you can keep your mind blank, you're doing your nervous system a favor (Deepak Chopra calls that being in the gap)...  it's not quite meditation, but I'd try to get all the thoughts out of my brain and just look at the black, blank space, and sometimes then I'd talk to God.  I know it sounds weird, but I had the not-to-be-said ideation, and I was desperate.  I want you to be happy again, too.  I know how much you miss your loved ones.  I promise you'll return to normal.  You're already stronger than you think.

 

Dolphins1...  I'm glad you PM'd me.  Please feel free to anytime.  I'll try not to talk your ear off, or write your eyes out. 

 

Joe23 and Ang111...  Thank you so much for your kindness.  My heart goes out to you and I hope you feel well and resume your wonderful lives soon.

 

I know you'll all return to normal.  I honestly believe that it's unavoidable.  I think that's exactly what withdrawal is...  our bodies working hard to return to a state of Homeostasis.  There's really nothing you can do to keep from healing, except I think to re-injure your nervous system, and that just makes it take longer.  I never thought I would and still can't believe the day came that the window didn't close.

 

You're all so awesome!  Please feel free to PM me if there's anything I can do for you.  I'll be thinking of you and wishing you continued, complete, and speedy healing.

 

Freida

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Thank you so much Freida, I truly appreciate your response . I will print it out and carry it in my wallet . I'm just so really scared this is the true me but I pray not cause I don't like this me . Another thing I do is going to universal studios , I get on rides and visualize the things bothering . Scream it out loud till it fades for just that moment . I can't wait to write a success story . I also do primal therapy , where I scream , cry and breath for one hour with the supervision of a therapist . Sometimes I feel it's working , sometimes I feel it's not but I scream a lot now . Lord help me . Thank you so much again . God bless you

[[fr...]]

Please don't be scared, although I admit I sure was, too.  I'd become a person that I didn't like at all, too...  petty, fearful, jealous, obsessive, angry, self-conscious, and bitter.  Thankfully, we each know that's not the real "us".  I can't wait for you to write your success story, too.  I like that scream therapy...  sometimes, the benzo roller-coaster ride was so thrilling that I wanted to put my arms up over my head and scream, too. 

 

Our insurance only covered 4 therapist visits, and I went at the beginning of my recovery when I was in acute symptoms; and, the therapist gave me a wonderful exercise to do when I needed to talk myself off the ledge.  She said to close your eyes and visualize yourself as a small child who's scared and upset, and pull that child up into your lap, and say all the comforting things to that child that you would like someone to say to you.  It really helped pull me back from several panic attacks.

 

Thank you for your kind words.  It took me a long time to heal, and I can't help but believe that we all do, and the "not knowing when" makes this already-grueling experiencing even harder.  For so long, I couldn't get the horrific thoughts out of my mind and, now, I can't even conjure them up.  I'll be so glad when this is all behind you, too; and, in my heart of hearts, I know it's all going to be okay.

 

God bless you, too.

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Please don't be scared, although I admit I sure was, too.  I'd become a person that I didn't like at all, too...  petty, fearful, jealous, obsessive, angry, self-conscious, and bitter.  Thankfully, we each know that's not the real "us".  I can't wait for you to write your success story, too.  I like that scream therapy...  sometimes, the benzo roller-coaster ride was so thrilling that I wanted to put my arms up over my head and scream, too. 

 

Our insurance only covered 4 therapist visits, and I went at the beginning of my recovery when I was in acute symptoms; and, the therapist gave me a wonderful exercise to do when I needed to talk myself off the ledge.  She said to close your eyes and visualize yourself as a small child who's scared and upset, and pull that child up into your lap, and say all the comforting things to that child that you would like someone to say to you.  It really helped pull me back from several panic attacks.

 

Thank you for your kind words.  It took me a long time to heal, and I can't help but believe that we all do, and the "not knowing when" makes this already-grueling experiencing even harder.  For so long, I couldn't get the horrific thoughts out of my mind and, now, I can't even conjure them up.  I'll be so glad when this is all behind you, too; and, in my heart of hearts, I know it's all going to be okay.

 

God bless you, too.

 

 

One of the kindest ladies on here. Your words comfort me so much. You understand and give massive hope.

 

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

[[fr...]]

You are so sweet, Marj!  Words escape me.  The feeling's mutual.  Thank you. 

[[li...]]

Dear freida,

I am so happy for you that you have recovered from this nightmare!

I will be 4 years and 4 months free in a few days...

But I'm still " searching" for something else to be wrong with me?

I've have a few  brain MRI ...and now going for a series of hearing tests...

So far everything has been " normal"...

I guess what damage has been done to my brain is not visible on any test..

 

Believe me, I want to believe my sxs are still from my Xanax use....and I really think they are!

I just want to heal already....I've been putting a timeline on this since I began...

 

But after reading your story.....it does give me much hope! I can relate to a lot of what you went through as well,,, I want to say I'm 60% healed some days...and 90% other days....this is truly not linier ...some days are just a roller coaster of sxs!

 

But thank you so much for your inspiration and information...and caring enough to come here and reply to all of us...

Much love to you.....stay well! ❤.  little

[[fr...]]

Dear Little,

 

Thank you so much for your lovely note!

 

Oh my gosh, precious Little, you've been in this for the long haul.  I'm so sorry.  It's like being in prison in that we do our time and hope we got paroled for good behavior, and you've certainly done your time.

 

Oh, please don't do that!...  Benzo recovery is quite enough for one person for one lifetime, please don't look for more to be wrong with you.  I promise you, from experience, the worst is over.  You've got to know, if you're between 60% and 90% healed, that you're on the cusp of full recovery. 

 

I'm glad your MRI showed everything as being normal.  That had to be a load off your mind.  That's another good reason to not expect anything else to be wrong with you, especially since you've had tests done that prove your brain is healthy.  That's such good news.

 

On the contrary...  the only damage done to your brain is some goofed-up receptors that happen to be connected to the body's least respected, but most important, bodily system.  Your receptors and nervous system are healing, of course, as resoundingly proved by your recovery so far. 

 

Oh definitely...  your last symptoms are still part of recovery.  I see myself in what you're saying, and I hope I don't insult you by saying that; but, I do think the reason you doubt the cause of the sxs is because you've still got a bit of the mental thing going on (I had that, too).

 

I hear you.  You've endured the unendurable long after your strength was gone, and then you've endured it some more.  I can so relate to wanting this to be over so bad you can taste it.  I do think you're on the cusp.  I don't know what your last remaining sxs are, but I have to say that I had many symptoms that persisted until the day I had my last wave and last window. 

 

Thank you, Little, and I'm so glad.  I didn't participate here (too neurotic and paranoid); but, I did promise myself I'd post a Success Story because I know how much they meant to me.  I'd read them nightly when I was recovering and couldn't sleep.  I'm glad you could relate, but not glad you could relate...  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I'm really optimistic for you to say that you feel 60% - 90% healed...  the inconsistency of the symptoms is just crazy making...  I like you comparing it with a roller coaster ride because, many times, I wanted to throw my hands over my head and scream; but, I wasn't sure what other people in the supermarket would think. 

 

I'm happy for your progress and can't wait until that last bit lifts and you sit there, wipe your brow, and say, "what the hell just happened"?  And, even then, you may still search for something else to be wrong; but, it'll sink in...  I squinted one eye, looking from side to side, wondering if the proverbial shoe would drop, and it hasn't yet.  I actually never thought I'd see the day.  If you're anything like me, and by what you've said, I'm happy for you because I think you're on the cusp of turning the corner on this.  I really do.  With that in mind, as a fellow recoverer, I want to offer you this caution at the very end of your healing:  Please don't let down your guard on protecting your nervous system at this crucial time.  For example, if someone asks you to give them a baby shower or asks you to babysit their sick, dying dog, I hope you'll say "no", and feel absolutely no guilt about it.  If you don't champion the cause of your nervous system health, who will?  I'm only saying this because I've been where you are, twice.  I don't mean to scare you - I say this because I want you to heal completely and soon...  please look at this as a positive thing, but please don't stick your neck out until you've fully recovered, and then you can take on the world; but, not right now, not until you know it...  and you will know it.  In this time, though, where you still feel shell-shocked and not quite healed, guard your nervous system - let your comfort-level be your guide:  if it feels like you'll enjoy something, then do it; but, if you feel the least bit of stress in making a decision, opt out and make no apologies.  I offer this to you for whatever it's worth.  You are on the home stretch.  Treat yourself like the gold you are, and I mean that sincerely.

 

Thank you for your kind words.  It's my pleasure to reply.  I guess, after 5 years, benzo's are sort of my passion...  I've done nothing but read about it or think about it for a really long time.  And, for a long time, I couldn't communicate without intrusive thoughts beating me up mercilessly, so I've got a lot pent up. 

 

Much love to you, too, precious Little. 

 

Freida

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Please don't be scared, although I admit I sure was, too.  I'd become a person that I didn't like at all, too...  petty, fearful, jealous, obsessive, angry, self-conscious, and bitter.  Thankfully, we each know that's not the real "us".  I can't wait for you to write your success story, too.  I like that scream therapy...  sometimes, the benzo roller-coaster ride was so thrilling that I wanted to put my arms up over my head and scream, too. 

 

Our insurance only covered 4 therapist visits, and I went at the beginning of my recovery when I was in acute symptoms; and, the therapist gave me a wonderful exercise to do when I needed to talk myself off the ledge.  She said to close your eyes and visualize yourself as a small child who's scared and upset, and pull that child up into your lap, and say all the comforting things to that child that you would like someone to say to you.  It really helped pull me back from several panic attacks.

 

Thank you for your kind words.  It took me a long time to heal, and I can't help but believe that we all do, and the "not knowing when" makes this already-grueling experiencing even harder.  For so long, I couldn't get the horrific thoughts out of my mind and, now, I can't even conjure them up.  I'll be so glad when this is all behind you, too; and, in my heart of hearts, I know it's all going to be okay.

 

God bless you, too.

 

Thank you so much Freida , I just came back to read for reassurance. You are really nice and I'm thankful i have something like this to read . I feel so lonely despite the fact that everyone in my family loves me dearly but they don't understand my pain and I can't explain either . I'm just exhausted mentally . I'm tired . I don't know where to go or run to ? I did the meditation of the inner child for a while but stopped , I will start again . Thank you so much . I just want to be happy or normal . Yesterday it was panic attacks , today it is intrusive thoughts and brain zaps. I don't want to stop believing in God but I feel I'm losing hope and trust in him . Why do I have to suffer this much ? I was so naive when the doctors gave this to me , I didn't ask to be put on drugs . Please pray for me , maybe God will answer you on my behalf . He's not answering me . Thank you again .

 

[[fr...]]

Hi Imek,

 

Thank you for your kind words!  It breaks my heart that you, and so many of us, are going through this.  It is so cruel and colossally unfair.  None of us expected these meds would do this to us and, if we can't get our loved ones to understand, I guess I can see that doctors don't either...  they just know what the pharma reps tell them. 

 

Oh, how I can so related to the loneliness.  It's like the recovery process makes us so internally-focused that we can't even relate to the things outside of us.  You are truly blessed to have a loving family supporting you, even if they can't quite understand.  When the first few people I confided in shunned me and treated me like I was making this up, I was afraid to tell anyone else for fear they'd do the same thing.  Benzo recovery was, indeed, the loneliest experience of my life...  I was lonely to the bone.  I'm so sorry you feel this way, too; but, please know that it's only your benzo brain making you feel this way.

 

I wanted to run away, too.  Thankfully, I have a friend who advised me not to do anything drastic while under the influence of recovery.  Not that I knew where I would run to or do once I got there anyway.  I just knew I wanted something, anything to be better.

 

I pictured it this way:  We have a wheat field of neuroreceptors that were each getting a trickle of rain that had the chemicals we needed to calm our nervous systems.  Then, along came benzo's that rained a deluge of chemicals to a quarter of that wheat field, while the rest of the field started to atrophy because they weren't needed while on the meds.  Now, remove that fire-hose of benzo's, and now that quarter of the field is only getting a trickle again of the chemicals.  Of course, it's not enough to calm our nerves and our CNS is screaming for chemicals it needs to calm them.  We have to wait for all those receptors to come back online; and, in the meantime, we are physiologically incapable of calming ourselves.  In my mind, while waiting for those receptors to recover, all we can do is try to calm ourselves with every trick we can devise:  avoiding any additional stress; assuring ourselves we're really okay; taking warm baths; praying and telling God of our pain and asking for what we need; asking friends and benzobuddies for reassurance; taking the utmost care of our nervous systems; and, while we're occupied doing that, time will pass, and we eventually heal.

 

Please know that you are already okay...  it's just that your brain is interpreting everything through the lens of your own pain.  I was convinced that I'd lost everything:  my family, friends, career, my physical and mental health, my sense of well-being, my faith in myself and others, my sense of humor, my ability to love or feel joy, and my sense of reality.  When my mind healed, it turned out, of all those things, all I'd really lost was my career.  Everything that really mattered was still inside me, only I didn't know it.  Come to think of it, my precious daughter that I thought hated my guts, had given me a necklace that said, "All the strength you need is right inside you"; and, in my mental state, I just didn't see it.

 

I've been where you are and wish I knew how to skip past this recovery part.  I read that sometimes the only way "out" of something is going "through" it.  I felt like God wasn't listening to me either, but I was too desperate to do anything else and all I could think of to do was pray.  I couldn't think of a way to get from where I was to where I wanted to be...  I thought I'd made too many mistakes to ever have my life right again...  I was so consumed by intrusive thoughts of my past that I knew it was all insurmountable and that my life was too screwed up to ever recover...  I knew my husband and kids despised me, and the not-to-be-said ideation was compelling to the extreme.  But, none of those things were true...  it was just my gaba-deprived brain's interpretation of things.  Everything was okay, only I couldn't see it.

 

Yes, I'd be honored to pray for you.  As it turns out, praying is something I've gotten pretty good at and, lucky for me, there's no wrong way to do it.  Whether you feel it or not, he is listening to you...  he's just on a different time line from us.  I noticed that he'd give me some validation when I was the most desperate and would pray, "I can't do this another minute!  If you don't do something soon, you can't hold me responsible and it will be on you.  You've got to throw me a bone.  You've just got to!"  Can you imagine the nerve to give God an ultimatum?  It seems weird to post this for the whole internet to see, but he did answer all my prayers...  every last one of them.  I'm still gobsmacked about it.  No, I don't live in a mansion and not driving a Ferrari, but I got back my sanity and my family and I'm feeling the love, and I never thought that would happen.

 

I'm sorry...  I write too much.  I hope I haven't offended anyone.  I wish you well and will pray for you now and long after I read your success story.  It's all going to be okay...  it already is okay...  your brain is working feverishly to mend and it will just take time.

 

Sending you hugs and all my love,

 

Freida

[[...]]

Hi Imek,

 

Thank you for your kind words!  It breaks my heart that you, and so many of us, are going through this.  It is so cruel and colossally unfair.  None of us expected these meds would do this to us and, if we can't get our loved ones to understand, I guess I can see that doctors don't either...  they just know what the pharma reps tell them. 

 

Oh, how I can so related to the loneliness.  It's like the recovery process makes us so internally-focused that we can't even relate to the things outside of us.  You are truly blessed to have a loving family supporting you, even if they can't quite understand.  When the first few people I confided in shunned me and treated me like I was making this up, I was afraid to tell anyone else for fear they'd do the same thing.  Benzo recovery was, indeed, the loneliest experience of my life...  I was lonely to the bone.  I'm so sorry you feel this way, too; but, please know that it's only your benzo brain making you feel this way.

 

I wanted to run away, too.  Thankfully, I have a friend who advised me not to do anything drastic while under the influence of recovery.  Not that I knew where I would run to or do once I got there anyway.  I just knew I wanted something, anything to be better.

 

I pictured it this way:  We have a wheat field of neuroreceptors that were each getting a trickle of rain that had the chemicals we needed to calm our nervous systems.  Then, along came benzo's that rained a deluge of chemicals to a quarter of that wheat field, while the rest of the field started to atrophy because they weren't needed while on the meds.  Now, remove that fire-hose of benzo's, and now that quarter of the field is only getting a trickle again of the chemicals.  Of course, it's not enough to calm our nerves and our CNS is screaming for chemicals it needs to calm them.  We have to wait for all those receptors to come back online; and, in the meantime, we are physiologically incapable of calming ourselves.  In my mind, while waiting for those receptors to recover, all we can do is try to calm ourselves with every trick we can devise:  avoiding any additional stress; assuring ourselves we're really okay; taking warm baths; praying and telling God of our pain and asking for what we need; asking friends and benzobuddies for reassurance; taking the utmost care of our nervous systems; and, while we're occupied doing that, time will pass, and we eventually heal.

 

Please know that you are already okay...  it's just that your brain is interpreting everything through the lens of your own pain.  I was convinced that I'd lost everything:  my family, friends, career, my physical and mental health, my sense of well-being, my faith in myself and others, my sense of humor, my ability to love or feel joy, and my sense of reality.  When my mind healed, it turned out, of all those things, all I'd really lost was my career.  Everything that really mattered was still inside me, only I didn't know it.  Come to think of it, my precious daughter that I thought hated my guts, had given me a necklace that said, "All the strength you need is right inside you"; and, in my mental state, I just didn't see it.

 

I've been where you are and wish I knew how to skip past this recovery part.  I read that sometimes the only way "out" of something is going "through" it.  I felt like God wasn't listening to me either, but I was too desperate to do anything else and all I could think of to do was pray.  I couldn't think of a way to get from where I was to where I wanted to be...  I thought I'd made too many mistakes to ever have my life right again...  I was so consumed by intrusive thoughts of my past that I knew it was all insurmountable and that my life was too screwed up to ever recover...  I knew my husband and kids despised me, and the not-to-be-said ideation was compelling to the extreme.  But, none of those things were true...  it was just my gaba-deprived brain's interpretation of things.  Everything was okay, only I couldn't see it.

 

Yes, I'd be honored to pray for you.  As it turns out, praying is something I've gotten pretty good at and, lucky for me, there's no wrong way to do it.  Whether you feel it or not, he is listening to you...  he's just on a different time line from us.  I noticed that he'd give me some validation when I was the most desperate and would pray, "I can't do this another minute!  If you don't do something soon, you can't hold me responsible and it will be on you.  You've got to throw me a bone.  You've just got to!"  Can you imagine the nerve to give God an ultimatum?  It seems weird to post this for the whole internet to see, but he did answer all my prayers...  every last one of them.  I'm still gobsmacked about it.  No, I don't live in a mansion and not driving a Ferrari, but I got back my sanity and my family and I'm feeling the love, and I never thought that would happen.

 

I'm sorry...  I write too much.  I hope I haven't offended anyone.  I wish you well and will pray for you now and long after I read your success story.  It's all going to be okay...  it already is okay...  your brain is working feverishly to mend and it will just take time.

 

Sending you hugs and all my love,

 

Freida

 

Wow Freida , thank you so much again , I love the long story , I really appreciate it honestly, I Will rather read Long positive messages and reassurance rather than nothing at all . The intrusive thoughts are I crazy . Everything I did while on the drugs came back hunting me , even stuffs from age 1 & 2  that remembered and told my mom , she was shocked cause I had details . I can't even believe it myself . The old memories are so intense , scary at the same time but I'm beginning to just let them come and go till they fade . When one disappears, another new one comes .i hate the sensation I feel in my head , they are strong when I have intrusive thoughts . The toughest of them all is the fear of death and fear of dying . I wish my mind could just stop thinking about it . I don't want to lose my family and a selected good friends . I've pushed family members and all my friends away cause I'm tired of being fake .i do UberEATS when I can manage to drive but for the past 2 months , I haven't worked .  I don't mind losing my job , I just don't want to lose my life  and family . I really appreciate you and I pray this words of encouragement from you helps me through the day and hopefully the rest of my recovery .i did some cupping massage and acupuncture today just to take care of my body a little , heading for yoga in an hour . God help me and  Thank you so much Freida, God bless you .

[[He...]]

Oh Freida I'm so glad I found your story.  I had read it somewhere else as a copy/paste but it didn't show who had written it.  I'm grateful to have found the source (you!) as I relate so much to your story.  I am one month short of 5 years off a klonopin ct and I'm in a wave to beat all waves.  I can't believe the intensity of the suffering right now and I'm really despairing as to whether I will heal or not.  My journey has been one of really slow progress with no long widows or waves.  I mean certain times have been worse than others but mostly I've been able to count on some relief in the afternoons and evenings.  And over time different symptoms kept dropping away never to return (mostly the physical ones). 

 

I used to have a lot of the joint, muscle, and nerve pain.  Never to the extent that I couldn't move about but still troublesome.  That has all been gone for close to two years.  It's the mental symptoms that won't loosen their grip and lately they have been turned up to an unbearable, horrific level.  The terror is just gripping me most of the day along with the panic, anxiety, and doom-filled, fearful, and irrational thoughts.

 

I am 47 and have 2 boys ages 12 and 15.  I am divorced for many years and luckily have a very good relationship with their dad and we cooperate and co-parent well.  That wasn't the case in the early years of the divorce and the first few years of me being ill.  But now things are good and he seems to have accepted what I'm going through.  Not sure he fully believes it but he is generally kind and understanding of my limitations.

 

What's happening right now is just beyond words.  It's even got me thinking that I'm afraid of my own kids in a way.  It's just crazy making.  I am blessed to have a loving roommate who helps me with many things and my mother and step dad are also nearby and provide some support.  I have a great therapist also.  Nonetheless I feel I am drowning with this latest onslaught.  I keep praying that maybe this is the last big wave before the bigger healing but hope is scarce so it's hard to imagine that could happen for me.

 

Thank you so very much for taking the time to write so much to all of us here.  Your story provides a glint of light in the darkness.

 

Bless you,

Karen

[[fr...]]

 

 

Wow Freida , thank you so much again , I love the long story , I really appreciate it honestly, I Will rather read Long positive messages and reassurance rather than nothing at all . The intrusive thoughts are I crazy . Everything I did while on the drugs came back hunting me , even stuffs from age 1 & 2  that remembered and told my mom , she was shocked cause I had details . I can't even believe it myself . The old memories are so intense , scary at the same time but I'm beginning to just let them come and go till they fade . When one disappears, another new one comes .i hate the sensation I feel in my head , they are strong when I have intrusive thoughts . The toughest of them all is the fear of death and fear of dying . I wish my mind could just stop thinking about it . I don't want to lose my family and a selected good friends . I've pushed family members and all my friends away cause I'm tired of being fake .i do UberEATS when I can manage to drive but for the past 2 months , I haven't worked .  I don't mind losing my job , I just don't want to lose my life  and family . I really appreciate you and I pray this words of encouragement from you helps me through the day and hopefully the rest of my recovery .i did some cupping massage and acupuncture today just to take care of my body a little , heading for yoga in an hour . God help me and  Thank you so much Freida, God bless you .

 

Hi Imek,

 

It's lovely of you to reply back.  Isn't it crazy how the memories come flooding back out of context to torment us?  I had that, too, only I didn't have the memories around them to put them into perspective.  Everything I'd ever done to hurt someone or that anyone had done to hurt me came to my mind with a vengeance.  The good news is that, as someone on here said once, it's like going through intense regression therapy; and, once we process these thoughts once and for all, they'll never haunt us again.  The intensity scared me, too.  I didn't know any better at the time; but, when I had that, what I did was approach each of the feelings I had and looked for the antidote...  what I mean is that, when I was consumed with guilt for what I'd done or hatred for what someone had done to me, I found out that the antidote for both of those things was to "forgive"...  to forgive the other person, and that lead to forgiving myself.  I don't mean to sound like a know-in-all; but, after going through this, I have finally let go of my past and feel better than ever before in my life.  Oprah says that you know you've recovered when you can finally say that you're glad for the bad experience because it brought you to a better place; and, after dealing with these intrusive thoughts, I think I finally understand that.  It's too cool that you have details from so long ago...  our minds are pretty incredible.  If you want my recipe for forgiving others and thoughts of anger and guilt are what's bothering you, please let me know and I'd be glad to share that with you.  If you're able to let them go on their own, that's great too.

 

I was afraid of dying, too, at first...  I'm so sorry you're saddled with that.  Please know this won't kill you.  From all I've read, I've pretty much concluded that the only time we were really in danger of that was when we first went off the meds, and I'm sure that's why they recommend to taper; and, if we made it through that, we'll make it through the recovery.  I see you made it through a cold turkey, and I believe you've made it through the worst part.  Please don't worry about that.  I think if a person could die from the recovery symptoms, I surely would have.  My symptoms were so bad at the time that I wish I would have.  Yes, please reassure yourself that the worst is over and now you're on the mend because you certainly are.

 

You won't lose your family!  I did lose my best friend of 25 years through this and that was really hard; but, as it turns out, it was all for the best.  If people don't give you some compassion for what you're going through, then you're really better off without them in the long run.  It turned out that I made some new friends during this ordeal, and they're people with compassion and kindness.  I pushed people away, too, because as you said, it's so stressful to pretend.  I found that I couldn't stand to be around people with whom I had to pretend and it made me furious that they wouldn't even take a little time to research it.  I felt so fake that I wanted to scream at them "What?...  Have I suddenly become some colossal liar that I would make this up?"  I wanted validation and I wanted it badly and some people just couldn't get it.  It was in my 3rd year of recovery that my husband finally said, "I'm so sorry I wasn't on board with this sooner"...  that was music to my ears.  I finally shared Baylissa Frederick's and Jennifer Leigh's articles on supporting friends and family in benzo recovery with my husband and youngest daughter, and it put into words what I couldn't, and I finally got support from them.  It was such a relief.  The good news, too, is that, once you recover and you talk to them in past-tense, it will come out much easier.  I finally have people who have said how sorry they are that I went through this.  It's weird that I got most of my validation when I didn't need it anymore, but it was still something I was dying to hear.

 

I'm glad you're trying things to improve your symptoms and take care of yourself.  I'm so proud of you for what you've endured that I could just burst.  All these coping skills will serve you well for the rest of your life. When this is all behind you, you'll have an appreciation for all the things in life that other people can't even imagine.  You'll have conquered your fears, you'll have learned patience and perseverance, and you'll know how truly strong you are and that you can handle anything life has to offer because nothing will be this bad for you ever again.  You will be authentic again and you will laugh, live, love, and behave spontaneously again.  Just take one symptom at a time, mitigate it, and the time will pass and you will be amazed at how much you've grown and overcome.

 

Hang in there.  I still hear Baylissa Frederick saying "this too shall pass", and it shall.

 

Wishing you well soon, precious Imek,

 

Freida

 

 

[[fr...]]

Oh Freida I'm so glad I found your story.  I had read it somewhere else as a copy/paste but it didn't show who had written it.  I'm grateful to have found the source (you!) as I relate so much to your story.  I am one month short of 5 years off a klonopin ct and I'm in a wave to beat all waves.  I can't believe the intensity of the suffering right now and I'm really despairing as to whether I will heal or not.  My journey has been one of really slow progress with no long widows or waves.  I mean certain times have been worse than others but mostly I've been able to count on some relief in the afternoons and evenings.  And over time different symptoms kept dropping away never to return (mostly the physical ones). 

 

I used to have a lot of the joint, muscle, and nerve pain.  Never to the extent that I couldn't move about but still troublesome.  That has all been gone for close to two years.  It's the mental symptoms that won't loosen their grip and lately they have been turned up to an unbearable, horrific level.  The terror is just gripping me most of the day along with the panic, anxiety, and doom-filled, fearful, and irrational thoughts.

 

I am 47 and have 2 boys ages 12 and 15.  I am divorced for many years and luckily have a very good relationship with their dad and we cooperate and co-parent well.  That wasn't the case in the early years of the divorce and the first few years of me being ill.  But now things are good and he seems to have accepted what I'm going through.  Not sure he fully believes it but he is generally kind and understanding of my limitations.

 

What's happening right now is just beyond words.  It's even got me thinking that I'm afraid of my own kids in a way.  It's just crazy making.  I am blessed to have a loving roommate who helps me with many things and my mother and step dad are also nearby and provide some support.  I have a great therapist also.  Nonetheless I feel I am drowning with this latest onslaught.  I keep praying that maybe this is the last big wave before the bigger healing but hope is scarce so it's hard to imagine that could happen for me.

 

Thank you so very much for taking the time to write so much to all of us here.  Your story provides a glint of light in the darkness.

 

Bless you,

Karen

 

Oh, Karen!...  I'm so sorry you can relate to my story!  I had physical symptoms the first 2 years, mental the second 2 years, and was PTSD-ish the last year, and I actually think the mental symptoms were the worst.  I feel your despair and I was as terrified as you...  the thoughts and perceptions feel so real.  Please know they are not real...  your thoughts are not who you are; and, I stake my life on this:  they will go away, just like so many of the physical symptoms have fallen away, the mental ones will too.  I'm so glad you've had some drop away, and you've got to know that the others will, too.

 

Please do this for me.  I know it seems impossible; but, please say this to yourself out loud or in your mind, "Stop thinking about how you feel and think about what you know".  You know these are just thoughts.  You know you are safe.  You know you are healing.  You know this is your benzo brain telling you things that aren't true.  You know you are sound.  You know you are loved.  You know you will heal.  Even if you don't believe what you are saying, say it anyway.  Every moment you keep those intrusive thoughts at bay, is a moment that your nervous system will thank you.  If you possibly can, close your eyes and shove those thoughts out of an imaginary door, and when they try to come back in, slam at the door even harder, until your mind is just a dark, blank place, and then stay there in that empty place as long as you can.  I had a bad childhood and have read much by Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer and others; and, having a blank mind is called "being in the gap" or "being in the zone"...  I promise you, the longer you stay in that blank space, the calmer you will become. 

 

You are truly blessed to be young still and that your boys are, too, and that you have such a great support system.  I had the opposite situation with my ex husband and, if this weren't on the internet, I'd tell you more; but, my divorce situation was a big part of my anger-filled intrusive thoughts, and I'm so glad you don't have to contend with something like that.  It's terrible to have such fears about the kids, and you have plenty of time to get well and make it up to them.  That's such a good thing.

 

I'm not sure what you mean about being afraid of the kids; but, I have to say that I have two new grandkids since being in recovery, and I was afraid to be alone with them - they live out of town and I haven't had had much opportunity to be alone with them, but I made sure not to be.  I wasn't afraid of them, but I was afraid of me.  You're right!  It is crazy.  The good news is that you do have such great support, and you will be well soon, and all this will just be a vague memory and you won't be afraid at all anymore.  Yes, keep praying and know this:  the existence and severity of your symptoms and lack of windows has nothing to do with your healing...  you are still healing; and, your recovery could be just around the next corner.  Use all your resourcefulness to keep your fear at bay because it keeps your nerves on edge and you need your nerves to rest at every possible opportunity. 

 

I risk repeating myself, but I'd seen my prescribing doctor for years and we would talk about mental health, of course.  One conversation, he said to me that our nerves are like the strings on a violin.  If one of the strings gets plucked and starts to vibrate, it needs to come to complete rest; and, if it doesn't, and another string gets plucked, it resonates against the other strings and causes a cacophony of discord in your nervous systems.  And, of course, our mental state has everything to do with that.  I'm just saying what worked for me and I found that I needed to get around the other side of my fear, not by changing my thoughts per se, but changing my words, reassuring myself, distracting myself, writing a new script on top of what my benzo brain was telling me.  I wrote positive affirmations everywhere.  I wrote one-line positive scriptures all  over my bathroom mirror with white-board-dry-erase markers.  I talked to myself a lot, and I'm sure I looked crazy, and I certainly feared that I was. 

 

I do have one more thing to add and sorry I'm writing so much; but, I also had to stop looking at this forum.  I see that a lot of people write in their success stories that they had to do that, too.  When the time comes, and you need to do that, please let other people know you're doing that so they don't worry; but, there may come a time when it makes you feel worse to constantly think about what you're going through.  I know for me, even to talk about my symptoms made them worse.  I don't feel that way now...  I can think about it and talk about it and my emotions don't go sky high like they once did.  Please just take it easy on yourself, logout, disconnect from the internet, watch old black and white movies, do not a single bit more nor a tiny bit less than exactly what your heart desires and feel not one iota of guilt about it.  Make yourself Priority #1 perhaps for the first time in your life and know that there's not a selfish thing about it...  on the contrary, it will be the most selfless thing you can do.

 

I know how dark you feel, and it my sincere pleasure if I can give you a single hint for feeling even a tiny bit better.  Those tiny things add up to recovery and I'm so proud of how strong you are.  When this is all behind you, and it will be, you'll know how strong you are!  You'll know how smart, industrious, courageous, blessed, and incredible you are because you surely are!!!  You will have your life back because hell and high water can't stop you!

 

You are a blessing, Karen!  I'll be praying for you!

 

Sending you hugs, love, and prayers that your full recovery is soon, and I know it will be,

 

Freida

[[He...]]

Dear Freida you are so very kind .  I have over your post to me many times already...you have such a way with words.  I really like your image of pushing the thoughts out an imaginary door.  I also had a rough childhood and have been drawn to Buddhism, meditation, yoga, and many self help authors over the years.  Of course during withdrawal it feels as if none of that knowledge has helped but part of me knows it does help on some level.  Who knows how/why I've been able to make it this long?!?!  But my plan is to keep at it until I get to the other side and folks like yourself provide much needed stepping stones...thank you again.

 

I am constantly talking to myself and repeating mantras.  I love your list that you shared, they are all perfect and so timely for me at the moment.

 

Thank you for sharing about your grandkids.  What happened for me recently is that I had a misunderstanding with my therapist.  I thought she was suggesting that my relationship with my sons was inappropriate in some way.  That was not at all what she was saying but my injured brain latched onto it and spun out of control.  It was also on the heels of a very upsetting situation where my sons pediatrician was wanting to refer him to a psychiatrist.  His dad had taken him to the doctors appt. so I wasn't there when she said it.  His dad, although fairly understanding of my situation, is not at all opposed to psychiatry and also respects doctors opinions without much question.  So then I was faced with having to convince both the doc and my ex that this was a bad idea (which I did beautifully I might add lol).  It pushed so many buttons for me so my CNS was in an extra fragile place.  I also thought at first that my therapist was also in support of this horrible notion (which also wasn't true).  Anyway, I went into a sort of tailspin about a number of things and the aftermath has been this sort of insecurity about my parenting and residual anxiety being around my kids.  I feel it is letting up as the dust settles and this wave begins to abate.  I sure hope so!!  It's been an extra nightmarish chapter for me.

 

Would love to hear your thoughts.

 

I actually haven't spent much time here on bb until lately when things reached a fever pitch.  I feel sort of guilty about only popping in when things get extra hard but I guess we are all just doing the best we can to survive this.

 

I would very much like to hear about your difficulties with your ex-husband if you care to share sometime in a pm.

 

Again, it is so very nice to hear back from you.  Thank you!

 

Karen

[[fr...]]

Aw, Karen...  your words make me happy...  thank you!!!

 

Good for you...  I'm sure all the things you studied are helping you cope with this craziness and, when this is all said and done, these skills will serve you well for the rest of your life. 

 

I talk to myself all the dang time.  One night, when I was OCD-ing and checking the locks on the back door for the 5th time, I realized how crazy I must look; and, then it dawned on me, if you do it with a smile on your face, you look concerned, if you do it with a scowl on your face, you look crazy.  So, I try to force myself to smile when I talk to myself, too, so I don't look like that lady in the neighborhood who mows the lawn wearing nothing but a chef's apron.

 

Your description of what happened with your therapist would have made me freak out, too.  Years ago, even before the benzo's, the school wanted to label my daughter with ADHD...  it scared the crap out of me, even then when I didn't understand the medication implications, and I didn't pursue it.  I'm so glad I didn't.  The subject dropped on its own, and I'm so glad I didn't head down that road with her.  It scares me to think they're so anxious to put kids on meds.  I'm glad you kept your cool...  if I were in your shoes, I'm afraid I would have started crying and proved to everyone that my daughter and I both needed sedation.  Bravo, Mom!!!  My daughter has an incredible intellect and a heart of gold, and I'm so so so so glad I didn't do that to her.  I'm so glad I don't have that responsibility of raising children anymore and be faced with such a decision.  After my benzo experience, I am anti-med.  I promised myself that I would never take a med for which there's an online support group, and I think that's a good rule of thumb for me.

 

Oh gosh no...  don't feel guilty about popping in an out of the site...  better yet, don't feel guilty about another thing ever, although it was a symptom that consumed me, too.  No one is judging you, I'm sure of that.  You know what's right for you and that's all that matters.  I'm constantly amazed at the generosity of spirit found among the benzobuddies members.

 

I'm so glad to hear that your wave is abating and that you're settling down after that stressful interaction. 

 

It's great to hear back from you!  I hope sleep comes to you easily and that you have sweet dreams tonight,

 

Freida

[[li...]]

Thank you freida for your kind words back to me!❤❤❤❤❤

[[Mi...]]

Thank you for writing this.  Been over 3 years for me and having a really bad week.  Came here for some much needed faith and got it!  Thanks again.

[[Co...]]

Hi Freida,

Thank you for sharing your story - I've been reading it daily for encouragement.  I lost my marriage during the years of drug-induced brain fog - those were years of just SSRIs, but the cognitive fog was the same as the benzo-induced haze.  I'll never know if I could have held my family together if I wasn't on meds.  My wonderful therapist says they're finding that very often people on ADs stay in bad situations because emotions and judgment have been numbed.  So who knows?  This past month, I've been having these awful intrusive thoughts... just constantly ruminating on every painful moment in my marriage and divorce, and the regret and sadness is just excruciating.  The very saddest thing for me is that my daughter has been estranged from me for four years, and I know without a shadow of doubt that these stupid drugs erased by feelings and judgment to the point that she truly just lost her mother.  I was there, and yet I was not there at all for her.  And I couldn't even see how much she was hurting.  I am praying that I survive this, and praying that I'll be strong enough and have enough will to live one day, so I can try to rebuild my life.  Reading stories like yours help me believe that my dreams of recovery and having a good life again might come true.  Thank you. 

[[fr...]]

Thank you for writing this.  Been over 3 years for me and having a really bad week.  Came here for some much needed faith and got it!  Thanks again.

 

That's so kind of you to say!  I can't tell you how sorry I am that you've been suffering this long and had a really bad week.  I saw a post here where people were talking about their 3rd year, saying it was the year of most healing and I remember thinking my 3rd year showed great improvement in my symptoms, too...  I hope it works out that way for you, too.  It's bad enough that the symptoms are so intense, but it makes it especially grueling that it takes so long.  I know that nerves just take a long time to heal.  I risk repeating myself; but, when I was 29, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed in the dentist's chair - I still have the footprint on my chest from where he needed leverage; and, it made half my tongue go numb...  when I asked him how long it would take to heal, he said, "as soon as you forget about it, it will be better".  That made me furious...  I thought "how dare you patronize me!"; but, I think he just knew that it would take a really long time to heal...  I spent years spitting out pieces of tongue.  Plus, I had sciatic problems, and it was the same thing.  So, part of me already knew this could be a really long process...  but, I always thought healing was inevitable, and I still believe that.  You've done your time, there's no denying that, and I hope this year takes you to that last, never-closing window.

 

Thanks, again, for your comment!  I'll be wishing you well and hope it's very soon!

 

Freida

[[fr...]]

Hi Freida,

Thank you for sharing your story - I've been reading it daily for encouragement.  I lost my marriage during the years of drug-induced brain fog - those were years of just SSRIs, but the cognitive fog was the same as the benzo-induced haze.  I'll never know if I could have held my family together if I wasn't on meds.  My wonderful therapist says they're finding that very often people on ADs stay in bad situations because emotions and judgment have been numbed.  So who knows?  This past month, I've been having these awful intrusive thoughts... just constantly ruminating on every painful moment in my marriage and divorce, and the regret and sadness is just excruciating.  The very saddest thing for me is that my daughter has been estranged from me for four years, and I know without a shadow of doubt that these stupid drugs erased by feelings and judgment to the point that she truly just lost her mother.  I was there, and yet I was not there at all for her.  And I couldn't even see how much she was hurting.  I am praying that I survive this, and praying that I'll be strong enough and have enough will to live one day, so I can try to rebuild my life.  Reading stories like yours help me believe that my dreams of recovery and having a good life again might come true.  Thank you.

 

Cominghome - Oh, sweet God, my heart goes out to you.  I am so sorry you went through all this.  These meds sure do change our personalities and we don't even realize it.  It's interesting what your therapist said...  do you think she means that the meds helped you stay in a bad marriage?  Another hard part is that you may not know the truth until you are well and can see all this through a healthy, unintruded-upon brain; but, the good news is that you will be able to set many things right again when you are well...  it's so weird that people were so much more receptive to my plight when I spoke of it in past-tense.

 

The intrusive thoughts relentlessly consumed my mind, too, and I felt so guilty I thought I'd die from it, and I wanted to just crawl in a hole for every mistake I'd ever made...  you're right, it's excruciating.  I agree, it's especially sad when it affects our kids...  It would have actually been easier to have been hit by a truck because at least our pain would be evident and people would be more understanding.  I sure thought I was headed for divorce and I ended up messing up my relationship with my youngest daughter and also had a breakdown in front of my daughter-in-law and her parents.  Thankfully, my husband was fairly oblivious, and I was able to explain my illness to my d-i-l's mother and they seem to have forgiven me; but, it tore me up when my daughter threatened to be estranged from me...  I had the same situation as you where I just wasn't there for her and I didn't even realize it...  But, when I became symptom-free, I was able to share benzo information with her and she has forgiven me, too...  we're not super close and she made a life that didn't include me; but, she's talking to me again, and things have continued to improve as we've gotten to know each other again since I've recovered.  I know you feel that you've hurt your daughter, and the only thing I could think of that gave me solace is that I told myself I was able to give her an opportunity to learn to forgive, and I was able to show her what it's like to hit bottom in life and to rise back up again...  and you will teach these things to your daughter, too. 

 

When you are well, you can explain this to her...  that's what I did...  I shared Baylissa Frederick's and Dr. Jennifer Leigh's articles on how to support a loved on in benzo recovery with her; and, on September 17, 2016, my daughter agreed to meet me for lunch and said, "I'm so sorry this happened to you", and I nearly broke down...  and that's when I was finally able to celebrate my benzo success.  Like you, I was sure that I'd lost my family and that my kids despised me, and I blamed myself.  Since I've recovered, my oldest daughter even said that I wasn't nearly as bad as I thought I was...  go figure...  I obsessed over her, too.  Remember this, though...  you are the Mom...  there's an unbreakable connection there...  all is not lost, even though it may seem that way now.

 

Yes, keep praying.  I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but God can change the past and he can absolutely change hearts.  I prayed incessantly, I mean unceasingly, nearly every minute of every day from the day I started my taper.  I know it's what saved my sanity, saved my life, and put my life back together again.  There is power in prayer!  You don't have to be strong enough to make it through this, because he is, and it's his great pleasure to give you all the desires of your heart.  I don't ordinarily talk this way, but I promised him if he'd heal me, I'd never deny that he saved me; and, I'm glad to keep that promise.  He can take this whole mess and turn it into goodness...  I kid you not.  I still can't believe I'm talking like this, and I mean no offense; but, I could see no way that my hellish life would be good again...  I kept to myself because my thoughts were so black that I was sure I'd make people afraid of me...  I had thoughts that I still don't dare tell a soul, and it tormented me 24/7.  It took every fiber of my being to force those thoughts away and pray them away, even for a moment; but it can be done.  You can do this.  You're already doing it and just need to keep up the good work.  One day, this will pay off for you and you will have your day of freedom from these symptoms and built your life into whatever you want it to be.  I'm sorry about this rant...  this has been a life-changing experience for me; and, in my despair, I entertained thoughts I never thought I would.  I will never be the same, but I will never again be that guilty, scared, unempowered person I once was.  When you are well, you'll be able to see all this more clearly and take the action you need for mitigating your relationships...  I had to do that, too.  But, the most important thing for you now is to get well.  Please find a way in your mind to forgive yourself and be free of this debilitating guilt...  it's all going to be alright...  you may not know how and you may not know when, but it will be alright.  I'm serious...  God keeps his promises.  Period.  I'm still amazed I'm talking like this.

 

I hope you rest well and find much healing very soon.  I'll keep you in my prayers if that's alright with you.

 

Wishing you well,

 

Freida

[[Co...]]

Dear Freida, thank you for your kindness and sweet reply.  Your words mean so much to me right now... I just can't express it enough.  Yes, it would be more than alright with me if you keep me in your prayers.  I'm a believer too, and I know everything you've said is true.  I'm glad to have "met" you and hope we can keep in touch through BB. 

 

Yes, in answer to your earlier question, that's exactly what my therapist meant.  She thinks I was depressed initially because I was in an unsafe and unhappy situation.  But that's all old history now.  I love, love, love what you said about God being able to change the past.  I believe that too!  God bless and thank you. 

 

I've had a much better day today, even though I'm crashing a bit now, but I know it's okay because this fear and depression is just my body fighting to heal. 

[[fr...]]

It's truly my pleasure, Cominghome!  What happened to us shouldn't happen to a dog.  I'm glad we met, too, and sorry it's under these circumstances.  Indeed, then, I'm honored to pray for you.

 

When I got divorced from my ex, I felt powerfully guilty; and, I finally had to tell myself, "Freida, you can't let the cure kill you"...  I mean you can't let the guilt get the better of you...  you did what you had to do and I'm glad your therapist validated you.  For some reason, this quote popped into my head...  "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a$$holes" (William Gibson). 

 

I'm sorry...  I couldn't resist it...  I know you're getting along with your ex, and I'm glad for you.  I never managed to do that and, if I weren't trying to swear off jealousy, I sure would be.      Yes, thanks for not thinking I'm crazy...  God can change our pasts.  For so long, I beat my head against the wall to figure out how the heck to fix the mess I'd made of my life, feeling so desperate that there was just no way to do it...  too many mistakes...  too many harsh words...  too many hurt feelings...  But, I figured out that I didn't have to figure it out...  I can't possibly.  All I have to do is know he can...  know he will...  know he already is.  Instead of thinking the universe is conspiring against me, with God on my side, I could honestly say that the universe is conspiring in my favor...  I mean, why not?  I can only speak from my experience, of course; but, I think you're on the right track.  Might I suggest that you get in the word in whatever way best suits you...  there is power in his word (I mean, we all know how much words can make or break us).  I recommend that you google "what does the bible say about [fear | depression]" and you'll find a way to ease your mind.  I feel stupid talking like this in broad daylight, and I'd feel better if this were a PM, but I'm going to stick my neck out and hit send.  I hope I haven't offended anyone.

 

I'm glad you're having a better day today and sorry you're crashing a bit...  there's just no tellin'...  I saw someone describe it as "symptoms roulette"...  and, it fit what I experienced.  Indeed, in my humble opinion, your body is doing what only it knows how to do and it's healing.

 

I hope we stay in touch, too.

 

Thank you for your kindness.  I will be praying that you heal very, very soon,

 

Freida