4 Years Benzo Free - Finally Writing My Success Story

[[Co...]]

I love that quote!  I say it myself quite often.  haha that was a nice message to wake up to... I'm going to try to drag myself out to church this morning, and may message you later. 

[Guest [Ru...]]

Bumping this wonderful, wise success story by a truly beautiful lady. (Her replies to buddies on the thread are well worth reading, too.)

 

I hope it may inspire others, as it has done for me so many times.

 

Lara

[[Un...]]

Thank you for bumping this, Rubylove

 

It’s so what I needed to read today.  I’ve been so overwhelmed by hopelessness.  Don’t know how I missed it in the Success Stories, as I’ve read and re-read so many on a daily basis.  Freida’s story has totally inspired me.  I can relate to so much of the turmoil; intrusive thoughts, guilt, loneliness, loss of relationships, daily ideation, believing it will never end, all of it. 

 

The more hope the better for all of us still suffering, and the more success the better for all of those warriors who have persevered!  :smitten:

[[an...]]

Your story made me cry several times because I can relate more to you than anyone’s on here so far and that’s saying a lot since I read so much. I’m 27 months off and have the anger and self consciousness and paranoia so bad for several months now. Nothing feels natural and I have to fake being normal all day everyday. So hard. You gave me so much hope and I think you for every word you wrote.

[Guest [Ru...]]

Thank you for bumping this, Rubylove...

 

Unicorn, you are so welcome! Freida's story is one of my favourites - I cling to it when I'm having one of those days you and ang1111 describe so well.

 

Wishing strength and deep healing for all who read here.

 

With love,

Lara

 

 

[[bl...]]

great recovery I am glad  you recovered. Your  a power of example . I glad i heard  about BB  I am putting the breaks  on all the ploy drugs before it gets out hand for me.

 

God bless you

[[So...]]

Freida: I love the part of your story when you say you have prayed incessantly. What a beautiful testimony of faith, hope, and God's healing power. I am glad you found your Savior, and I am also praying incessantly because I believe that miracles happen. Your story is a miracle and give us so much hope. Thank you and let's us pray for all of us who are going through the eye of the storm 

[[fr...]]

Oh my gosh, I assumed this story sank to the bottom of the others.  Your comments are lovely and make me feel like a million bucks.  Thank you.

 

Now that I see this, I'm compelled to write a quick update.  I cannot believe how much my life has changed since I recovered from those years of horrendous symptoms.  I'm here to tell you that all the skills you learn for coping, the fact that we're forced to learn to comfort ourselves, to let go of the past when dealing with the intrusive thoughts, finding techniques to distract from how horrible we feel, to make ourselves count our blessings just to keep from laying in the fetal position and drooling on ourselves...  all those skills will serve us well for the rest of our lives.  Since I recovered fully, I've been under stress to mitigate hurt relationships, to move to a different town with the husband that I hated for so long because he was passive aggressive with me when I was sick, to leave behind all my old friends and afraid of an unknown future; and, I've got to say that God has answered every single prayer that I prayed when I was sick...  every single one of them.  My husband even said to me that my prayers are scarily powerful.  In the last 4 months, we've been seeing a therapist who helped us find reconciliation with my youngest daughter whom I'd neglected when I was sick; we sold our old house, been living in temporary housing in a new town; just found a new house that is more beautiful than I could have even imagined; my husband has told me that he's had a softening of heart that he can only describe as coming from God; I'm able to call myself "retired" instead of "laid off" after having been too sick to work; and, since I posted my success story and with spending 4 months clearing out all our old junk and selling our house without having another, I have had absolutely no return of symptoms whatsoever, not a single one.  From my experience, I merely caution you to protect your nervous system as though it's the most vital bodily function you have, because it certainly is.  Don't stick your neck out or take on any unnecessary stress until you have completely healed, and I believe that you'll never have a return of symptoms.  After all those years of having lost my feelings of love, feelings of wellness, lost my imagination and sense of humor, I can definitely say that "I'm feeling the love"; and, at 61 years old, I feel better than I ever have in my entire life.

 

I guess that wasn't a quick update.  Sorry about that.

 

My heart and prayers are still with you all.  I can still feel the way I did in recovery if I really think about it, but the PTSD is also finally gone, and I feel at peace.  I know you will, too.  This experience can't help but change us, and this has been nothing short of a life-changing experience for me.  My suggestion is to merely cope with the symptoms until they eventually and inevitably go away.  The secret is to relax your nerves in spite of the symptoms so that they can heal.  Any single moment that you can distract from how horrible you feel is a moment for which your nerves will thank you.  Nerves take a notoriously-long time to heal, so learning to be patient is another skill that will serve you well the rest of your lives (don't worry about how long it takes because "worry" is hard on our nerves).  The only way to hurry this process is to learn to try to not hurry it.  Exercise if you can and, if you can't, at least try to work to keep your balance by standing on one foot at a time to improve your core strength.  Eat as clean as you can, but it's important to eat whatever you can stomach (I lost 50 lbs. in recovery). 

 

Oprah says you know you've recovered when you can finally say that you're not sorry that a bad experience happened to you.  I've finally arrived at that.  I'm not the same person whose perceived neurosis drove them to the meds and, even though I was tempted to go back on them because I worried that I might actually have needed them all along, I will never take another med for which there's an online support group, and I'll never again apologize for taking care of my nervous system...  I've discovered that nothing comes before my CNS health...  nothing.

 

I never had a relationship with God before benzo's happened to me, and it's still strange for me to talk about the power of prayer as I have been.  But, I'm living proof that there is definitely power in prayer.  In my desperation, I turned to God for help, and it turns out to be the best thing I could have done.  It helped me find comfort when I wanted to crawl out of my own skin and climb the walls, and it helped me finally sleep at night to force out all those overwhelmingly-hateful and rage-full thoughts I had, and it kept me from acting on the relentless not-to-be-said ideation.  I guess I can say that it truly did save my life, and I'll never deny it.  If God answers prayers for someone like me, he'll do it for anyone...  there was a reason for my intrusive thoughts...  I was dragging around so much baggage of the things I'd done, and recovery caused me to physically choke on all my regret; and, for the first time of my life, that's all gone...  God can change the past.

 

I'll be praying in earnest that each and every one of us finds our way to healing very, very soon.  I know how insufferable this all is.  The good news is that we all do heal and, as I've seen in many success stories, we turn out better than ever before, and I know you will too...  it's inevitable.

 

Hugs to you all, and my undying gratitude to the moderators here,

 

Freida

 

[[Un...]]

Thank you for posting this incredible update, Freida :smitten:

 

CONGRATULATIONS on your healing and that your life is better than it has been before!!  It’s so wonderful to read success stories and know that healing does happen.  The loss of those feelings you spoke of, I worry daily about them returning.  Thank you so much for your prayers and for giving us more hope! 

 

The spiritual connection some of us have gained in this is incredible.  I’m putting all my faith into it daily.  But, all of the success stories and updates sure do boost that faith!  So much gratitude for you and the other healed Buddies sharing with us!

 

Blessings and starlight to you,

 

Uni

[[fr...]]

Thank you, Uni!  Life improves immeasurably after the symptoms go away, if for no other reason than the sheer elation and gratitude of that one fact...  that these surreal symptoms finally went away.  But there are so many other things that make the victory over benzo dependency that much sweeter:  it's the patience we learn as we try to relax in spite of desperately wanting this experience to be over with; it's the coping skills we learn in distracting from how horrible we feel, comforting ourselves when anxiety levels reach a fever pitch, and learning to control our thoughts if even for a moment; it's the fact that we realize how very strong, resourceful, and resilient we truly are; it's the gratitude in finally being able to focus outside ourselves rather than the constant preoccupation with the myriad intense symptoms that keep us from being in the "now" of life; it's being able to lay down in bed and feel comfortable, safe, relaxed, carefree, and being able to sleep a reliable 4, 6, 8 or 10 hours; it's the return of our feelings of love, compassion, our cognitive abilities, our memories, imaginations, and our general sense of well being; and, so much more.

 

Indeed, I've seen several posts where people say that recovery was a spiritual experience for them, and others who have described it as intense regression therapy.  Please don't worry about the loss of feelings.  They will all return.  For another year after my symptoms went away, I was often astounded at the mental and physical abilities that were returned to me...  someone would tell me their phone number, and I'd almost cry because, for the first time in years, I could remember it; or, when my daughter asked me to give her a baby shower while we were in the process of selling our house, I pulled it off with nary a nervous twinge; I'm able to sleep 7 to 9 hours without waking up once; and, while I still suffer from some relationship issues from having been a negligent/offputting parent to one of my adult children, it's not crushing me with regret.  My emotions have returned to normal - only now, instead of crying with terror induced by the withdrawal symptoms, I'm crying with joy that the benzo nightmare is all finally, blessedly, completely over.

 

Keep up the good work.  Cope as best you can with the symptoms as your body does what it does best.  Even if you don't see steady progress, healing is still happening.  Please just follow the core list of coping skills that are found in all the Success Stories:  take the art of relaxation to a whole new level; reach out for help if you need it; practice good CNS hygiene by avoiding drama/violence on TV and in your life; exercise if you can; avoid sugar and caffeine if possible; say "no" to people who put demands on you during this time, and feel no guilt about it; luxuriate in small things that bring you even one iota of comfort; post self-affirming quotes where you can see them; pray, if for no other reason than to put your worries into a more constructive form; trust that everything's going to be alright, no matter how much of a mess things are now; and, all these little things that bring your nervous systems to as-close-to-complete rest as possible, will bring healing.

 

My prescribing doctor once told me that nerves are like the strings of a violin.  That, if one string is plucked and doesn't come to complete rest, and another string is plucked, it reverberates against the others and causes a cacophony of discord in our nervous systems.  I can picture that and it makes sense.  All this time, instead of letting our nerves settle down, we fed them benzo's to make ourselves feel calm, until our nerves are in such a state of disrepair that it'll just take as long as it takes for everything to calm back down.  I know it's not as simple as that and involves all those pesky neuro receptors; but, there's nothing we can't heal from, and our nerves need us to treat them delicately while we heal.  Anyway, that's how I looked at it.

 

I'll keep you all in my prayers 'till the day I die, and I earnestly pray that we all reach the point of great nervous system health, the sooner the better!

 

Blessings to you, too, Uni!  May God give you all the desires of your heart.

 

Freida

[[...]]

Thank you, Freida.  Thank God.  Thank you.  Thank you for all these words of honesty and hope.

 

Nomo.

 

(hugs to WR for telling me about all of Freida's responses. ). One day we will come here and tell our stories and hold the rope from high atop and outside of the dark well.

[[La...]]

Ah, freida, thank you so much for all of your beautiful posts! I'm just reading your two recent posts and feeling very lucky to have come across them. It's been such a grueling experience for me (ongoing dizziness, ongoing foot pain, plus a broken-and-slow-healing other foot caused by dizziness), and even more so lately. So to read about your unqualified success and triumph is just a beautiful thing. I'm so happy for you! It's a huge, HUGE thing that you've been able to face difficult, stressful times since your recovery and yet not experience any return of symptoms. Those of us who read your posts will take much strength and hope from that.

 

Again, I thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with the rest of us. Very powerful, very touching, very life-affirming.

 

I wish you all the best!

 

[[Un...]]

Thank you, Uni!  Life improves immeasurably after the symptoms go away, if for no other reason than the sheer elation and gratitude of that one fact...  that these surreal symptoms finally went away.  But there are so many other things that make the victory over benzo dependency that much sweeter:  it's the patience we learn as we try to relax in spite of desperately wanting this experience to be over with; it's the coping skills we learn in distracting from how horrible we feel, comforting ourselves when anxiety levels reach a fever pitch, and learning to control our thoughts if even for a moment; it's the fact that we realize how very strong, resourceful, and resilient we truly are; it's the gratitude in finally being able to focus outside ourselves rather than the constant preoccupation with the myriad intense symptoms that keep us from being in the "now" of life; it's being able to lay down in bed and feel comfortable, safe, relaxed, carefree, and being able to sleep a reliable 4, 6, 8 or 10 hours; it's the return of our feelings of love, compassion, our cognitive abilities, our memories, imaginations, and our general sense of well being; and, so much more.

 

Indeed, I've seen several posts where people say that recovery was a spiritual experience for them, and others who have described it as intense regression therapy.  Please don't worry about the loss of feelings.  They will all return.  For another year after my symptoms went away, I was often astounded at the mental and physical abilities that were returned to me...  someone would tell me their phone number, and I'd almost cry because, for the first time in years, I could remember it; or, when my daughter asked me to give her a baby shower while we were in the process of selling our house, I pulled it off with nary a nervous twinge; I'm able to sleep 7 to 9 hours without waking up once; and, while I still suffer from some relationship issues from having been a negligent/offputting parent to one of my adult children, it's not crushing me with regret.  My emotions have returned to normal - only now, instead of crying with terror induced by the withdrawal symptoms, I'm crying with joy that the benzo nightmare is all finally, blessedly, completely over.

 

Keep up the good work.  Cope as best you can with the symptoms as your body does what it does best.  Even if you don't see steady progress, healing is still happening.  Please just follow the core list of coping skills that are found in all the Success Stories:  take the art of relaxation to a whole new level; reach out for help if you need it; practice good CNS hygiene by avoiding drama/violence on TV and in your life; exercise if you can; avoid sugar and caffeine if possible; say "no" to people who put demands on you during this time, and feel no guilt about it; luxuriate in small things that bring you even one iota of comfort; post self-affirming quotes where you can see them; pray, if for no other reason than to put your worries into a more constructive form; trust that everything's going to be alright, no matter how much of a mess things are now; and, all these little things that bring your nervous systems to as-close-to-complete rest as possible, will bring healing.

 

My prescribing doctor once told me that nerves are like the strings of a violin.  That, if one string is plucked and doesn't come to complete rest, and another string is plucked, it reverberates against the others and causes a cacophony of discord in our nervous systems.  I can picture that and it makes sense.  All this time, instead of letting our nerves settle down, we fed them benzo's to make ourselves feel calm, until our nerves are in such a state of disrepair that it'll just take as long as it takes for everything to calm back down.  I know it's not as simple as that and involves all those pesky neuro receptors; but, there's nothing we can't heal from, and our nerves need us to treat them delicately while we heal.  Anyway, that's how I looked at it.

 

I'll keep you all in my prayers 'till the day I die, and I earnestly pray that we all reach the point of great nervous system health, the sooner the better!

 

Blessings to you, too, Uni!  May God give you all the desires of your heart.

 

Freida

 

:smitten:

[[Ti...]]

Thanks, Unicorn, for bumping this beautiful woman's messages of hope, prayer, and renewal. Frieda, I am crying with gratitude for your love and prayers, and sending it back to you. You have given me a rare gift today: the courage to heal without the continuous worry and fear, the faith to keep praying and know that God IS there with me and with us all, and the patience to stay focused and positive, despite the intrusions daily of fear thoughts, depressions, and weird physical symptoms which crop up and convince us that we will never be free of this monkey.

Thank you from the fiber of my being for telling us that it will really, really be OK.

Love, Tigereye

[[do...]]

You are a sweetheart. And I’m so HAPPY to hear you are well and have found God restoring your life.

 

Your dear friend in Laguna Beach

 

Bruce

[[Th...]]

How long did it take you to heal. I am about 13 months out. This is a bad month for me with headaches, trembles won't let up, throat hurts and eyes sometime. I am praying this will soon be over. I am not sleeping good at night. Wish I could get some sleep.

[[fr...]]

Oh my gosh, I hadn’t realized there were comments here.  Please forgive me for not responding earlier.  Thanks, Uni, for bumping this…  you are too kind.

 

It breaks my heart that anyone is going through this horrendous ordeal.

 

I’m happy to report that I’ve never had a return of symptoms since the day I posted my success story.  Of course, there have been times of stress, and none of us is impervious to it, and there have been a few times early on that I’d feel that heat fill my torso but, before it could go up my spine to my head and entire body and then have its way with me, I used my coping skill of “distraction” and jumped out of my chair and pulled my mind away from it, and that horrible feeling went away quickly.  I’ve also only had the beginnings of 1 panic attack soon after my oldest sister suddenly died last month, and I prayed it away and it only lasted about 15 minutes.  Other than that, life has just gotten better and better; and, to think, only a little over 2 years ago, I thought my life was over, that I’d lost everything/everyone I loved, I hated everyone and thought I knew they hated me, too, and was still plagued by so many mental symptoms I wasn’t sure I was going to make it (I had the not-to-be-said ideation, along with intrusive thoughts, paranoia, so self-conscious I could hardly speak, had completely lost my short-term memory, was filled with terror, rage, jealousy, crushing guilt, insomnia, and all my bad memories tormented me…  I’ve never been so exhausted in my life, ever!).  I thought my life was ruined beyond repair, that I’d made too many mistakes that I just couldn’t live down, and that I’d never find my way to living life normally again…  in my mind, there was “no way to get there from here”.

 

I kid you not!  Every single desperate prayer I prayed when I was so sick has come to pass, all except 2 of them where I wanted to die or I wanted my husband to die, and I didn’t care which.  I know it sounds drastic, but I meant it with every fiber of my being at the time.  I come from a family who scorned God…  we blamed him for our childhoods, and prayer was the last thing I imagined I’d resort to.  My prayers the night I realized I was so sick with no signs of getting better, and realizing I was deep in benzo withdrawal, started with shaking my fist in the dark night sky crying, “God, how could you do this to me, you lousy SOB”.  And, over the course of the next several years, I had many an argument with God, only to finally realize I couldn’t have made it through this without Him.  I discovered that prayer was the best and most productive “distraction” I could have chosen, it gives you a chance to really express the pain to the only one who can really do something about it.

 

I was not a participating member here, was too neurotic to put my words on the internet, not that I could put two sentences together anyway…  my communication skills were non-existent.  So, in my online searches, I saw Benzobuddies and, from the outside, everyone was named Buddie, and I could only see what I searched for, so it never even entered my mind there was such a thing as Protracted.  In my mind, from all I saw, I concluded there was a core set of advice in the Success Stories, and I followed those.  I also concluded that this thing starts and ends with our nervous systems, so my strategy was to purely cope with the symptoms while doing everything in my power to rest my nerves until I eventually/inevitably healed.  My first two years of recovery were primarily physical (insomnia, involuntary muscle movement, tinnitus, shaking, quaking, cramping, nausea, loss of balance, uncontrollable body temperature extremes, auditory confusion, inability to communicate, numbness, tingling, feet so cold they burned, sensation of wet skin, muscle loss, hair loss, heart palpitations, etc., ad nauseum.  And, I just did all I could to compensate and just endure it.  Thankfully, the physical went away (except insomnia and tinnitus), but the next two years were all mental, and that scared me the most.  It took me a while to realize that I couldn’t stay “worried sick” and heal my nerves at the same time!

 

In summary, though, I took all the advice of BB Success Stories:  distract, distract, distract, as seemingly impossible as that is to do, and be endlessly resourceful; avoid stimuli and drama…  say “no” to the person who wants you to give them a baby shower or petsit their sick dog, do not watch violence on tv and stick to old black-and-whites with clear good-guys/bad-guys without special effects to stir our emotions; eat as clean as possible and force snacks to keep your blood sugar level and avoid mood swings; take the art of relaxation to extreme and self-indulgent measures, with hot candle-lit baths with a cup of hot tea, or whatever makes you feel pampered; don’t let the symptoms scare you…  remember, this won’t kill you, no matter how much it may seem like it…  all you have to do is endure until the CNS has time to rest and heal; reach out to other people for support…  don’t be afraid to ask for the help you need…  everyone struggles at one time or other in their lives and keep reaching out ‘till you find people with compassion (I sought that help from old friends and also at a church by my house (they’re used to people who cry for no apparent reason).  I can’t believe I made new friends when my old ones dropped me when I was sick…  but, I was desperate for human contact and knew I needed help and, by gosh, I asked for it (I was furious with the friends who dropped me and it became a source of rage that also needed to be dealt with to keep from seething/obsessing about it); exercise if/when you can; make your bedroom a place of solace…  invest in nice sheets and soft comforters; learn to self-sooth by saying calming things to yourself (I am strong, I am safe, I am still the same person I always was, I am loved, I am healing, just relax and it’s all going to be okay, I am powerful, I am forgiven, I am good); post positive affirmations all over where you’ll see them daily;  and my personal favorite if you’re so inclined – search online for scripture that matches your concern (ie., google “what does the bible say about fear” or suffering or coping or anger or guilt, and write down or try to memorize ones that resonate with you, and ponder them…  it’s surprising how much comfort you’ll find there).  I saw all these things in people’s Success Stories, and I did every single one of them; and, if you do, too, while you’re busy trying to figure out how to relax in every possible way, mentally and physically, the time will pass and one day you’ll sit there, shocked that you no longer feel the fear, no longer feel that dark feeling that everything is terribly wrong, no longer feel the anger, the self-loathing, the desperation, or the sickeningly-heightened emotions…  you’ll sit there and realize it’s all gone.  I can’t wait for that day to come for you, too…  it didn’t come a minute too soon for me.  I was too exhausted to even celebrate – I just sat there quietly sobbing and thanking God.

 

I do have good news.  The only thing worse than an experience like this is to make it through it without having learned from it, and to survive this, you can’t help but learn from it.  You can’t help but learn Patience and Perseverance.  And, in the end, you will know just how Strong, Resilient, and Resourceful you are…  and, You Are all these things.  Please don’t look at this as being beaten down - look at it as being “built up”…  just like the blacksmith and his sword, each time he puts it to the fire and with each strike of his hammer, it gets stronger and stronger and more pure…  You are, and will be, that shining, hard-as-steel sword that can cut through any challenge that life can throw at you ever again.  Nothing this bad will ever happen to you in your entire life and, by sheer comparison, the rest of your life will be a piece of cake.  I promise, especially if you pray to God…  if you pray for the feelings you want present in your life, He will give you the desires of your heart:  if you pray for joy, to be spontaneous again, to be carefree, to live life enjoying the present moment, He will give you those things…  He promises to do that, and God is not a man that he should lie.  I can scarcely list the things He’s done for me in these last 2 years:  instead of getting a divorce and wishing my husband dead, yesterday I asked him if there was anything he needed me to do that day, he said, “just be happy”, and I feel like I’m being spoiled rotten; instead of googling “how to kill yourself and make it look like an accident” (which virtually cannot be done, by the way), I’m feeling grateful that I didn’t do anything rash when I was so exhausted and desperate; my younger daughter with whom I had an altercation during recovery and threatened to be estranged from me, remembered/called me on my birthday this year with love and it was obvious we have appreciation for each other; the friends I’d lost have been replaced with people who came forward when I was sick; we’ve moved to a new town for my husband’s job, and we’ve never been this well off financially, not ever…  to make a long story short, “I’m feelin’ the love” and, for so long, my feelings of love were just gone.  I’ve gotten back my imagination, my sense of humor, my spontaneity, and my joy.  You will, too…  I’d stake my life on it.

 

I guarantee you…  after you’ve gone through this experience, you’ll have an appreciation for all the small things that other mere mortals can’t even imagine.  Struggle and strife haven’t changed since man set foot on the planet, and the solution is no different now than it ever has been.  Treat yourself as though you are #1 in your own life…  take your nervous-system health seriously…  relax, as hard as it is to do now, and put yourself first in your life for perhaps the first time in your life, and feel zero guilt for it; because, after all, if we don’t protect and care for ourselves, we’re no good to our loved ones at all.  I’m not saying that you will be able to achieve the feelings of relaxation during withdrawal; but, it’s in the attempts, even failed attempts, to distract and clear your mind of the intrusive thoughts, that healing eventually comes…  or, at least, that was my experience.

 

Thank you for your compassionate and amazing comments since I last replied, Nomo, Lapis2, Tigereye, and Bruce (hey, Bruce, how are you?).  Thank you for being such magnificent people!!!

 

To answer your question TheStormWillPass, I was sick for 4 years, but I include my year-long taper, so it took me 3 years after I jumped in November, 2012.  After my symptoms disappeared in the blink of an eye in September, 2015, I wasn’t sure if it was a window; and, since I did have a stress-related setback along the way, I wanted to wait until I could say my life was “as good or better than before benzo’s” before posting my Success Story on September 29, 2016. Also, during the year from 2015 to 2016, I had the need to mitigate that mishap with my daughter so I waited to post until we were again on speaking terms, although it took another year to be on good terms again.  As any parent would attest to, having an adult child threaten estrangement is cause for deep heartsickness, so that plagued me during the end of my recovery and beyond; but, once the symptoms went away, I wasn’t nearly as obsessed about it, just heartsick.  Please don’t be discouraged by how long it took me to recover.  As I said, I did have a year-long stress-related setback where all the mental symptoms came upon me again, and it was a seriously-awful situation that would’ve stressed anyone, and I knew I was still fragile and should have said “no” to that situation.  It’s way too long to include here, but I ended up having an altercation with my son’s wife and her parents, and it put me back in a state of guilt and fear that I’d ruined, yet again, another relationship.  When I was sick, it was like everything that could go wrong did go wrong, and I agonized over helplessly-watching my relationships fall apart from my loss of social skills and black thoughts.  From all I’ve read over the years, there is no rhyme or reason to the amount of time it takes to heal; and for one, I brought a lot of baggage with me into recovery, and way too many haunting memories that fed the intrusive thoughts.  I saw a Success Story where someone described recovery as going through extreme Regression Therapy, and that’s exactly what it was for me, too.  Now, I’m able to say that life is resoundingly better than ever before in my life. 

 

My prayers are with you all.  Again, I’m so sorry you’re still in the thick of it.  The symptoms are surreal, intense, and mind-bending, and it’s the most physical and mental anguish I’ve ever endured.  I knew I’d heal…  my only fear was that I wouldn’t make it long enough to see the day.  I’m back to sleeping all night, although if I have big plans the next morning, it’s sometimes hard to fall asleep.  But, I can sleep 8-10 hours easily.  But, I’m getting older and I’ve heard we need less sleep.  I still wake up every day and say, “Thank You, God, that I slept”.

 

I’m sorry I write too much.  I must still have a lot pent up after nearly 4 years of finding it nearly impossible to say more than a single sentence.  Just remind yourself that “Feeling’s aren’t Facts”:  just because you feel terrible, doesn’t mean things really are terrible; just because you feel that all is lost, doesn’t mean that all is truly lost; just because you feel like this will ever end, doesn’t mean it’s true.  Yes, life is going on without you as it was before, loved ones are still out there wondering why you’re shying away, love is still all around you, only you’re not able to perceive the goodness because your mind is waylaid by, and unavoidably focused on, the symptoms.  Please comfort yourselves in knowing that we ALL do heal.  The thing is that we can’t let ourselves be worried sick over it…  being worried is so hard on our nerves and interferes with healing.  Do Not Worry - if there’s ever a time in our lives to ever take this seriously, it’s now.  Don’t let the symptoms scare you, as difficult as that it is to do, please find a way to convince yourself that it’s all going to be alright because it certainly will be.

 

It’s so strange to look back at this in retrospect.  I’d often thought of how much faster I might have healed if I could have gotten even a speck of validation from the people around me who were supposed to love me, especially when I wasn’t able to interpret reality.  The reality is that you will heal, you will overcome this, you will have better life’s skills after this experience, and you’ll feel valiantly triumphant for having survived this horrific ordeal, you will get back your feelings of love and joy, regardless of what the mental symptoms are making you believe right now.

 

My heart and love are with you all.  Benzobuddies saved my life, and I’ll be forever grateful.

 

Freida

 

[[La...]]

Well, that is one heckuva fantastic post, Freida, and I thank you so much for writing it. I think I'll have to re-read that a few times just to let it all sink in. There's so much wisdom in there for those of us still in the trenches (like me, of course!). I am SO pleased that you've continued to thrive and that things are going as well as they are. Amazing, amazing news! Enjoy it all!

 

That's all. I'm a bit speechless. I just wanted to thank you for that, because the Success Stories have such power to touch and inspire us, and you've really done that here. It's a beautiful, generous, lovely thing to do.

 

[[fr...]]

Thank you, Lapis2!  Needless to say, benzo recovery was a life-changing experience.  Oprah says you know you've fully recovered when you can honestly say you're not sorry a traumatic event happened to you.  I thought she was insane for saying that; but, I can finally say that, too, as excruciating as it was at the time.

 

Wishing you the best, and a speedy recovery,

 

Freida

[[La...]]

Thanks so much, Freida. I doubt I'll ever be able to say what Oprah said. This is seriously excruciating (slow-healing foot fracture from benzo dizziness, banging into walls, up at 2, 3, 4 a.m. with pain, can't walk, etc.). Nope, I'll just be glad if/when it's over.

 

But your story gives me hope and inspiration.

 

[[Ho...]]

Thank you so very much from the bottom of my broken heart for writing this.Your story is so moving and I feel I can relate so much to it.The line you wrote ( I use to tell my husband “ I use to be a good person “ and he would say “ you still are a good person” and I would think you don’t know what I am thinking rang so deeply true for me it physically hurt to read . I to have been poly drugged and my entire life is in shambles and I barely make it thru each day . I pray constantly for the hope and will to get to the other side I cry constantly for all my losses .I livein fear everyday of not making it.Thank you for the small glimmer of hope I am hanging onto with every thing I have .

[[Ca...]]

Dear Freida,

  Your success story has been a favorite of mine. I was so happy to see you return with the news you continue to do well. It is reassuring to see someone who took a long while to heal. I am 3 plus years off after a three year taper and often feel this is permanent. Your story tells me this will pass and possibly soon! Thank you! May you enjoy every day of your well earned health!

 

With appreciation and compassion,

Carita

[Guest [Ru...]]

Dearest Freida,

 

You bring so much warmth and hope to this site. Thank you from my heart. So many of us relate to your story. Your humanity - and beauty - shines through...

 

I remember you writing once about how you'd lie on the bathroom floor, begging God to take you. That has been my experience too many times to count during the last few years. Just knowing you got through it, and are happier and healthier than ever, means everything. This journey takes so much from us, and it's stories like yours that keep us crawling toward the end of hell.

 

Your anecdotes about your husband always make me grin, no matter how badly things are going. Once again, I can relate!  It's good to know that much of this will pass as our healthy perspective returns...

 

I've been trying to write to you, but the acute waves keep hitting - then I can't string a single sentence together. You are one of my heroes, Freida. I mean that with my whole being. You've helped me believe again that there are still good people (and magic) in the world...

 

With all my love,

Lara ♥

 

“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”

 

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

[[fr...]]

I forgot to check to see if there were comments here and, again, my apologies for not looking here and so late in replying.

 

Lupis2:  I'm elated if my story gives you hope and inspiration; but, I'm so sorry this horror-show-of-an-experience happened to you.  I truly am sorry that you ended up fracturing your foot while stumbling around in the middle of the night.  The loss of balance is so crazy...  I often wondered, for me anyway, if the loss of balance was tied to my complete loss of memory, because I seemed to have lost my "muscle memory", too, when I was so sick...  I could barely put a glass on the table without it taking all my mental energy to not slam it down and spill it.  These symptoms are so surreal.  I have to say that absolutely everything that went wrong with me, even the muscle wasting, has completely been resolved.  I'm sure it'll prove to be that way for you, too.  I wish I had words of wisdom.  All I know is that it helped me tremendously to take the advice from everyone's Success Story "helpful hints" and try to follow them; and, while I was busy trying to cope with, mitigate, or just endure the symptoms, thankfully time passed and I was finally healed.  It's an experience I'll never forget.  It changed me, and I hope for the better, and can't wait for that day to come for you, too.  My heart is with you. 

 

Hope2015:  You are so sweet!  I'm sorry that your heart is breaking...  mine was, too...  I was physically/mentally ill as well as heart and soul sick in recovery.  All the energy in my world was negative...  everything that could go wrong, did go wrong; and, it killed me to see myself and all my relationships fall apart.  I can so relate.  Yes, that's really all you can do is hang on to what you have and maintain the status quo as much as possible until your day of healing finally arrives.  I was certainly in survival mode and, for the first time in my life, took seriously my need to protect my nervous system at all costs...  it turns out to be as important of a body function as our circulatory or digestive systems, and actually more so.  I, too, prayed and cried nearly every minute of every day, except the times I had to pretend to be well around other people, and then come home to fall apart and recuperate after every unavoidable personal encounter.  I, too, thought I'd lost everything; but, it turned out that I really hadn't...  it just turned out that everyone else was going on with their lives, and I was left behind in my misery.  I promise you, though, that the day your symptoms fall away, you'll realize that things aren't as dire as your healing-brain would have you believe.  It is all going to be alright, and I'm not saying that to placate you...  we all do heal, and your day is coming.  And, when the symptoms fall away, it'll hit you that you've just survived one of the most horrendously-challenging ordeals that could possibly happen to a human being; and, right then and there, you'll be filled with the knowledge of how strong, resilient, resourceful, and incredible you truly are!  What seems to have ruined you will actually become the thing that propels you forward for the rest of your life...  kind of like the bow of an archers bow-and-arrow...  the farther back it's pulled, the farther the arrow will go when it's finally released.  Thanks for enjoying the conversations I had with my husband...  I read on BB where someone said, "If your spouse is even still with you, they are supporting you"; and, I'd said some blunt things to my husband in my anger when he didn't believe that I was really sick in recovery...  one time I said to him, "I'm sick now; but, if I get better and I still hate you, I'm leavin' you".  I'm still constantly shocked that we're not divorced; and, after two years of being recovered, we're actually getting along quite well.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done to forgive the people who abandoned me in recovery, but I had to or I'd have been eaten alive by the rage I felt.  I promise you that you're not only going to be okay, you will be better than okay when these symptoms subside.

 

Carita:  Thank you!  It made me especially lonely to not participate on BB, but I knew I wanted to post my Success Story because they'd done so much to help me through this.  I'm sorry you can relate with mine, but I'm glad if it lets you know that you're not alone in your symptoms and not alone in how long this is taking.  In all my research and reading Success Stories, there seemed to be a large consensus of opinion that year number 3 proved to bring much healing and improvement.  It wouldn't be so bad to be so so excruciatingly sick for a short time, and it wouldn't be so bad to be slightly ill for a very long time; but, boy, this recovery can just be so intense and can last so long.  I know how tiring this is and how hard it is to keep a good thought; but, you never know...  your day of healing could be right around the next corner, and I hope your day is very soon, and there's no reason it won't be.  I know what you mean about giving up hope that it will ever happen; but, I'd safely stake my life on it...  you will get better...  you will heal.  If you've ever had a happy day in your life and you were healthy before recovery, you will be happy and regain your health again when these horrific symptoms finally lift.  Thanks, yes, I'm enjoying the return of good health, although I sometimes forget to be as grateful for it as I was initially.  Thank you for your well wishes, and I send you my own to you, too.  With admiration, appreciation, and warmth, Freida

 

Rubylove:  Oh, you are so precious!  Your compliments warm my heart and, for that, it is I who thank You!  Thank you!  I'm tellin' ya, this kind of suffering sure does give a person a different perspective, and I know it's affected my personal sense of compassion from what I used to have.  You express it so well...  crawling toward the end of hell.  This experience is unbelievable and is made especially hard because it is so unbelievable.  I'm glad you liked my stories of my husband...  poor guy, I sure dealt him a fit for all that time...  I'm not even sure how we made it, or how I made it.  This actually did change both of us, for the better.  Indeed, this will all look different to you in retrospect and when the dark thinking lifts.  Oh, I hear you about not being able to string two sentences together...  I just couldn't do it.  Whether you know it or not, you still have the gift with "word" and yours make me feel like a million bucks...  thank you!  I wish I knew something to say or do that will make this go faster or better for you.  All I can think of to say is to please just remember to follow good nervous-system hygiene and do all the little things you can to relax your CNS at every opportunity...  please remember to smile, whether you feel like it or not, because it's surprising just how subtly that lifts your spirits; also, remember to stand and sit up straight, suck in your gut and push out your chest...  it will help you breath (remember, you've been on muscle relaxers, and our diaphragm is a muscle that needs to be kept in shape).  The good news is that God is apparently in hell, too, because He's there with you now and He will lead you back out of this.  I want to remind you, too, that God greatly rewards every single tiny bit of faith you have...  He has promised to repay you double for your current suffering; and, there's not a doubt in my mind that, when this is behind you, your life will be immeasurably better than it ever has before.  I'm sending you my love, too, Lara...  keep praying and He will answer all your prayers.  It is in the seeking that we find.

 

I'll try to keep a better eye on comments here and, again, my apologies for taking so long to respond. 

 

I'll be thinking of you and praying for a quick and complete recovery for everyone on BB.  Someone's Success Story is titled "An experience like no other", and that's true; but, struggle has taken a million forms with millions of people, and gurus throughout the ages have known how important it is for us to pamper and cater to our nervous systems at certain points in our lives.  This is undoubtedly the most difficult struggle of my life, and I promise you that your pain will not have been in vain.  Once we learn all the ways to cope with the symptoms (being patient while waiting to heal, learning to self-sooth/comfort, distracting from the tormenting thoughts, finally treating ourselves like the precious people we are), our nerves will never be a problem again.

 

Sorry this is so long.

 

My heart goes out to everyone here,

 

Freida

[[Ma...]]

Thank you, Lapis2!  Needless to say, benzo recovery was a life-changing experience.  Oprah says you know you've fully recovered when you can honestly say you're not sorry a traumatic event happened to you.  I thought she was insane for saying that; but, I can finally say that, too, as excruciating as it was at the time.

 

Wishing you the best, and a speedy recovery,

 

Freida

 

God, Oprah is a nice lady but sometimes she just does not know about what she is talking. Shall a raped woman ever "not be sorry that trauma happened"? Sorry I needed to write this because I have survived a real trauma and believe me no one ever would not be sorry that it happened - thats what trauma is made of.

 

Besides this, I am thankful you posted your success story Freida - and for coming back telling us how you are today.I wish you all the best!! Marigold