Health Anxiety

[[Ov...]]

My health anxiety is what got be into the benzo situation I'm currently in. I recall as a child being somewhat preoccupied with thoughts and concerns of childhood cancer, diseases and conditions. During my young adult years I seldom, if ever, worried about it. I then got married, had a child and my health anxiety lit off like a brush fire. I would worry myself sick over the occasional issue or oddity during the pregnancy. After he was born I obsessed over his health, development and overall condition. He was briefly hospitalized for an injury and this really unchained my anxiety. I would literally wake up at 4am for years and mentally fight myself on not thinking about whatever I was concerned about at that moment. (head size, stature, rolling over, speaking, Autism, walking, social skills, etc, etc, etc) If I thought about it I would immediately get an adrenaline dump and horrible flush feeling. It then grew into where it was a reoccurring, mood dampening, anxiety inducing, thing that would occur all day. Also, if he isn't the focus of my health anxiety, my own health is.

 

Now, skip ahead five years, and I have a perfectly healthy, smart and happy kid and I'm withdrawing from Xanax with a whole host of accompanying withdrawal symptoms. And all for nothing. The sad part is that I know how illogical my thought patterns are, but I cannot seems to stop it. I often feel like I'm one "Daddy, my head hurts." or personal medical issue away from relapsing onto benzos. As of right now, I jumped off Xanax 80 days ago and convinced I've got the early stages of MS due to my tinnitus and a sudden onset of right sided facial tingling / pain / burning. I'm seeking help in the weeks ahead through a local CBT counselor because something has got to stop so I can regain some relaxed joy in raising him, my marriage and in general life. 

[[bo...]]

I'm so sorry to read your post Overwatch . It's relentless isn't it .. and you know what ..as soon as you mentioned burning in the same sentence as MS .. off I went to research. 

I tried getting help with RET and CBT .. worked for a while but I feel mine is so entrenched , I have to manage the symptons as best I can ..

All the best xx

[[bl...]]

Over:

I can relate! I did same with myself as a kid, then with my kids----I miss the joy in everything worrying about all the variables. You can't even imagine the crazy shit I've worried about. And now that I'm at 2mg valium I'm a HOT mess. I have a lot of serous diseases going at a time. One goes only to be replaced by another. Anyway, I understand. I really do.

[[Ov...]]

Thanks for the responses. I've come to "grade" my level of health anxiety any given day by the percentage of awake time my mind is dedicated to being concerned about something health / condition related. Over the past week I feel like about 60% of my day is mentally preoccupied or directly influenced by this anxiety. The downward spiraling cycle of anxiety, insomnia, anxiety, insomnia, added symptom (due to the cycle), anxiety, insomnia, is taking it's toll on me.

 

To further illustrate the lunacy in this I'll give an example my recent behavior. Two weeks ago, 70 or so days off Xanax, my eyes began feeling odd and strained. It felt like I needed to squint constantly, and it felt like someone was gently squeezing the bridge of my nose. I made the mistake of Googling it and stumbled upon a MS forum where the early symptom of eye pain was being discussed. I *knew* right then that the possibility that MS could be causing these symptoms was going to be an issue for me. One week later the right side of my face is tingling, the eye issues are still present, and in my mind there is no doubt that MS is the culprit. And this is despite reading repeatedly where this is a common symptom of benzo withdrawal. Today the burning has subsided but all I can think about is self analyzing to see if I can feel it returning. I understand MS symptoms can appear, disappear and reappear so this just fuels the obsession, and one that I cannot find the end of.

 

I've read SSRI's such as Lexapro has helped others break the cycle of health anxiety. Has anyone here had any luck with that class of medication, or success with CBT sessions?

[[bo...]]

CBT does work .. I know for many it has . As I said above it just wasn't a long term answer for me , as I found myself going back to old patterns and habitual  thinking . And that's the key . How to break the thought pattern of health anxiety .it sounds to me like you recognise the triggers. You are consciously aware of what's happening and how you set yourself off on the trail . It's what happens from there. Similar to locking a door going out the room coming back and thinking is that door locked. You know it is because you remember just locking it a few second before, so why does your brain/thought tell you that I think might not be locked ? So you check again . You Google the symptons of MS and also simultaneously know that the eye symptons are most likely to be related to benzo withdrawal .. its crazy circles ..I do think that CBT is worth a try though . It did help.. all the best

[[di...]]

Overwatch,

 

My situation sounds very similar to yours.  I too suffered from childhood worries about being terminally ill, never worried about it for many years until I had a child of my own and boom it came back with reinforcements.  Since the day he was born I became anxious and worried about him.  There had never been anything in my life that I loved so much, I couldn't imagine losing him. 

 

Anyways he started getting sick pretty regularly around 2013. No one in my family or my doctors thought anything of it and said well he's only 5 and didn't go to daycare so he most likely is just catching all the viruses now.  I knew something was wrong but I couldn't figure it out.  Then he started throwing up randomly about 4 to 5 times a week and falling asleep right after or throwing up in the middle of the night.  The doctors tested for everything, all types of scans and tests.  It was a nightmare.  Finally we went to a neurologist and after a series of tests we found out he had Epilepsy.  Not the worst thing in the world, but after all the tests and scares from the last year and a half I ended up having a nervous breakdown. 

 

Well, a wonderful PD prescribed me Effexor and I had an adverse reaction to it after the first dose, sending me into a manic state where I couldn't sleep or eat.  He said keep taking it, there's no problem, happens all the time.  I'm thinking "After the first dose?"!!! I keep taking it and kept getting worse.  Finally after not having slept or eaten for days I ended up in the psych ward for a couple weeks where a competent doctor took me off the Effexor and put me on Lexapro.  I started getting health anxiety again at that time. 

 

I met with a psych doc and was given Klonopin 1 mg/day to help until the Lexapro worked.  I was assured that the K was safe and at a low dose there would be no problems coming off.  I also had never taken any meds in my life up until the Effexor so I had no idea what was going on.  I just followed the advice of the doctor. 

 

Now the K never helped me with my Health Anxiety but it definitely had me less stressed and helped me sleep.  After about six months I ended on Lexapro, K, and doing CBT my health anxiety started to go away.  I was great from mid 2015 to this January. 

So for me Lexapro was great and CBT was also excellent.

 

However, I tried to get off K last year and it didn't go so well so my psych ended up putting me on 1.5/day and decided we should stay on it while I tried to come off the Lex.  I was off the Lex for six months and doing great before my Health Anxiety came back in January.  That's when I realized the K was not doing anything anymore for me.  I had suspected for a while but wasn't sure until then.  I'm back on Lex and in CBT again.  It's starting to help me again.  I am going to start tapering off the K after I stabilize which is hopefully in the next couple months. 

 

Sorry about the long rant.

 

[[Ah...]]

My health anxiety is what got be into the benzo situation I'm currently in. I recall as a child being somewhat preoccupied with thoughts and concerns of childhood cancer, diseases and conditions. During my young adult years I seldom, if ever, worried about it. I then got married, had a child and my health anxiety lit off like a brush fire. I would worry myself sick over the occasional issue or oddity during the pregnancy. After he was born I obsessed over his health, development and overall condition. He was briefly hospitalized for an injury and this really unchained my anxiety. I would literally wake up at 4am for years and mentally fight myself on not thinking about whatever I was concerned about at that moment. (head size, stature, rolling over, speaking, Autism, walking, social skills, etc, etc, etc) If I thought about it I would immediately get an adrenaline dump and horrible flush feeling. It then grew into where it was a reoccurring, mood dampening, anxiety inducing, thing that would occur all day. Also, if he isn't the focus of my health anxiety, my own health is.

 

Now, skip ahead five years, and I have a perfectly healthy, smart and happy kid and I'm withdrawing from Xanax with a whole host of accompanying withdrawal symptoms. And all for nothing. The sad part is that I know how illogical my thought patterns are, but I cannot seems to stop it. I often feel like I'm one "Daddy, my head hurts." or personal medical issue away from relapsing onto benzos. As of right now, I jumped off Xanax 80 days ago and convinced I've got the early stages of MS due to my tinnitus and a sudden onset of right sided facial tingling / pain / burning. I'm seeking help in the weeks ahead through a local CBT counselor because something has got to stop so I can regain some relaxed joy in raising him, my marriage and in general life.

 

 

 

 

 

Please know that you are not alone my health anxiety over saving my brain cause me to take Xanax and harm my beautiful perfect brain

[[bl...]]

Dion;

I’m Sorry. That’s so scary. I have HA as well and anything pertaining to well being of my kids is just more than I can manage. I started 5 mg lex a few months ago and I think it’s worked better than anything to help with HA. Probably I needed an AD all along, and never a benzo. Too late now. I plan to stay on it through taper, it helps sleep too, and revisit after I’m done. I hear it’s not so bad to taper off of-nothing compared to benzo. Though since getting dizzy last week and going straight to brain tumor, maybe I’m not taking enough!

Anyway, your story is familiar and sounds as if you will be just fine. Hang in there.

 

[[Ov...]]

Dion;

I’m Sorry. That’s so scary. I have HA as well and anything pertaining to well being of my kids is just more than I can manage. I started 5 mg lex a few months ago and I think it’s worked better than anything to help with HA. Probably I needed an AD all along, and never a benzo. Too late now. I plan to stay on it through taper, it helps sleep too, and revisit after I’m done. I hear it’s not so bad to taper off of-nothing compared to benzo. Though since getting dizzy last week and going straight to brain tumor, maybe I’m not taking enough!

Anyway, your story is familiar and sounds as if you will be just fine. Hang in there.

 

As a follow up to this, and my posts, I wanted to explain my current struggle with HA. I finally conceded and agreed to try Lexapro again. I started at 2.5mg daily for several weeks and then upped it to 5mg daily. Even at this extremely low does the break in period was rough and had to be timed during periods that I was mostly off work on vacation. (Hell of a way to spend vacation, huh) The misery I endured during benzo withdrawal actually helped me endure the break in period. Prior to that I had never had a medication make me feel bad and thus I turned to benzos. Anyway, I'm on 5mg daily now and have been for about two months. It has helped with my HA and has decreased the "mental loop" of health worry I would find myself in. However, it's starting to flair back up and I assume I'll probably have to go up to the standard 10mg dosage and see if that helps.

[[bo...]]

Overwatch ... I'm going through a similar period of health anxiety at the moment over a ridiculous small thing like going to the dentist..

how is the Lexapro. Isn't it just crap being chained to medication to try to control the racing thoughts.  I just wonder how the HA manifests itself in your child's life? Or if it does at all .

I am aware that a lot of mine comes from my Mum who struggled to leave the house .. I didn't realise it for years ( not blaming her ) but it's where I subconsiously picked up on the behaviour ..

Like you it was part of the reason I was on benzos in th first instant ...

I do hope you don't have to go back up to the 10 mga .  It at the end of the day we do what we have to do .. take care BB

[[Ov...]]

Overwatch ... I'm going through a similar period of health anxiety at the moment over a ridiculous small thing like going to the dentist..

how is the Lexapro. Isn't it just crap being chained to medication to try to control the racing thoughts.  I just wonder how the HA manifests itself in your child's life? Or if it does at all .

I am aware that a lot of mine comes from my Mum who struggled to leave the house .. I didn't realise it for years ( not blaming her ) but it's where I subconsiously picked up on the behaviour ..

Like you it was part of the reason I was on benzos in th first instant ...

I do hope you don't have to go back up to the 10 mga .  It at the end of the day we do what we have to do .. take care BB

 

Right now I'm on the lowest dose of Lexapro (5mg) a person is normally prescribed for the "break in period" before they are increased to the 10mg therapeutic dose. After several weeks I could tell, as I said before, that I wasn't as mentally preoccupied with my health related symptoms. I was able to think "My fingers are numb.....huh....well.....ok.....odd....don't know what it is....maybe benzo withdrawal...moving on" and I would resume my normal routine. This is opposed to thinking "My fingers are numb....I wonder if it's early MS....I don't want to be in a wheelchair....this would be horrible for my wife....my son will really miss me in his life as an active father.....(adrenaline dump).....ugh....(hot flash)....now they are really numb.....how will we pay our mortgage....ugh....do I need to make a doctors appointment....ugh this sucks....etc, etc, etc...." Before Lexapro this would literally play out almost on an hourly basis 18 hours a day and would even occur at night and wake me up. So yeah, for me it works and has helped. However, I can feel myself slipping back into the HA routine almost as slowly as I felt myself being lifted from it when the Lexapro began working. We'll see if I'll need to go up to 10mg as most people do.

 

If you're asking how HA manifests in a child, I don't really know. Personally speaking, I just recall as a child being keenly aware that kids my age can get cancer (or other medical issues) and comprehending how horrific it is.

[[bo...]]

No, I meant does your child pick up on your health anxiety . .

[[Ov...]]

No, I meant does your child pick up on your health anxiety . .

 

Oh. I see. No. Not at all. He's 5 and the only behavior that I've caught myself doing around him was repeatedly checking his temperature during a period of time when he actually did have a fever. I obsessed over the number, and if it was trending upward or down. I would check it with three different thermometers and then contemplate which one was least accurate. He got into the act and started checking it himself repeatedly. At that moment I knew I had to stop my HA behavior around him and luckily did. 

[[bl...]]

Overwatch: I’m on same path. Could have written your post. Considering going to 10mg too but I felt much better at 5 and was hoping that was enough. But with each new s/x, I feel HA creep back. Feel better friend.

[[bo...]]

Good on you Overwatch . I think it wouldn't be so easy to 'rub off' on a child. I feel that's part of what happened in my whole anxiety dilemma.. I hasten to say there is no blaming in that statement , it's just how it was, and I guess we have names for things now whereas my mother would have had no clue about her behaviour habits in front of me .. we do the best we can ..xx

[[bo...]]

Hi All .. old thread I know but wanted to pop back in here and give an update for any folks new to tapering that might be struggling with health anxiety . It’s hideious , it really is. Any slight symptom suddenly indicates a stroke or a heart attack . And trying to shake that fear is impossible. I found myself barely existing through each day thinking I would not make it to the next . For me the HA was crippling and beside the insomnia was probably the worst experience of tapering .

Well I want to let you know it does get better .. here I am just over 15 months out and it is 90% better. I am no longer having  strokes and hearts attacks in the early hours of the morning .. I mostly don’t even think about a strange twitch or pain as anything to do with dying, instead it’s just simply what it is a twitch or a pain . Not to be given too much attention. .. the brain no longer makes every little physical symptom a sign of impending death ! Example ( and forgive me if too much information!) .. dark coloured stools one day . They are no longer bleeding and bowel cancer and fear. They are a result of the blueberries that I ate the day before .!!

It’s these types of experiences that are truely telling me my brain is healing from Benzos. It’s not there yet but it is healing .. 

I would never have though it possible 2 years ago . I was gripped by fear and doom 24/7 .. I’m surprised I made it to the other side! But I have and we all will .. take care . Bozobertie

[[Un...]]

bozobertie,

 

Great post and so glad I caught it.  Congratulations first on making it to the other side and next on all the healing.  So great to hear that your health anxieties have lifted so much.  How relieving that must be!  I struggle with HA CONSTANTLY.  Thank you for sharing this with us and giving us hope. 

 

Love,

 

Uni

[[bo...]]

Cheers Uni .. when I was in the depths of withdrawal I used to feel like life would always be like it was with HA literally ruling my life . Seriously , I used to smile at myself in the mirror every day to check that my face wasn’t drooping in case I’d had a stroke and didn’t realise !! And it’s REAL.. that’s what so many folks don’t realise. At the time the HA is so real , and it just debilitates your life so much .

I can’t say it’s gone .. but I’m  probably left with a ‘normal’  dose of it .

Feel free to PM me any time if you want to run anything past me. I think that would have helped me at times. Someone to normalise things a little ..

take care x

[[Ov...]]

Cheers Uni .. when I was in the depths of withdrawal I used to feel like life would always be like it was with HA literally ruling my life . Seriously , I used to smile at myself in the mirror every day to check that my face wasn’t drooping in case I’d had a stroke and didn’t realise !! And it’s REAL.. that’s what so many folks don’t realise. At the time the HA is so real , and it just debilitates your life so much .

I can’t say it’s gone .. but I’m  probably left with a ‘normal’  dose of it .

Feel free to PM me any time if you want to run anything past me. I think that would have helped me at times. Someone to normalise things a little ..

take care x

 

You better believe, as we both know, it's very real. There was periods that I'd wish I had phobia / anxiety about something else, something external. I could endure a fear of public speaking, Doctors, dogs, etc. But the issue with HA is that it's internal. You cannot escape it. You cannot get away from it or avoid a circumstance with it. It's always there, grinding away in your mind and actually causing symptoms that further perpetuate it. It makes it's own gas! And for me, mind alternated between myself and my child's health issues. HA that revolves around a toddler is utter misery.

 

Lastly, I'm roughly 90% recovered from my benzo taper and withdrawal. My HA was mostly "extinguished", but still smoldering, with a low dose SSRI. I've since tapered off that medication and the HA has stayed away mostly. But like others, I can feel it seething in my mind and waiting for that opportunity to take the controls of my brain again at the first substantial indication of a health issue.

 

 

[[Ne...]]

Hi Everyone. My story is pretty long, so I'll try to keep this as brief as I can, and elaborate more if you have any questions. I joined this site because I found it at one point a couple years ago when I had some rebound panic attacks following the use of Ativan for flying-- I was flying quite frequently. I've suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for my whole life, and was on SSRIs for around 22 years. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, health anxiety with associated OCD, GAD, and panic disorder.

 

This spring, I finished a very slow taper (took a year and a half to complete) off my SSRI to see how I would do, as I felt like I was getting my life on track after a rough couple years (almost losing both my parents in 2016, my wife and I losing our first child in 2017 to miscarriage).  Things started fine. However, within a period of 2 months (April-May): I had to withdraw from 2 singing contracts (I'm and opera singer) because of severe acid reflux burning my vocal cords so I couldn't sing, which lost me over half my income for the year; found out my wife and I are pregnant; found out I had an early form of melanoma (got it removed); and found out I have a small/moderate amount of calcium in my LAD artery. I'm only 32. For most of June, I slept 3 hours a night and had an hour long panic attack in the middle of each day. I tried a bunch of natural things, but nothing helped.

 

My psychiatrist placed me on 15 mg Valium daily, beginning on July 3. I felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders. However, I recently found out that another medication I take, omperazole 80 mg, can triple or quadruple both the plasma concentrations as well as half life of the drug.

 

For the past week, I've been waking every day around 6:30 AM in a state of agitation, electric shock sensations, rapid heart beat. All of this is really hard to deal with, because a) I'm scheduled to have fundoplication surgery in 2 weeks, and am concerned about how much Valium I actually have in my system and how it will interact with general anesthesia (I don't want to stop breathing), and b) My newly diagnosed heart issue-- when my heart rate spikes, it makes the panic worse.

 

I'm going to follow up with my psychiatrist today to express my concerns and see if maybe he can do a blood draw to find out how much Valium is in my system, but I'm really scared about how I'm ever going to come off now-- a taper from 15 mg for a couple months is really different than a taper from 60 mg for a couple months.

 

I'm just hoping to hear from some other folks on here who have been through this benzo tolerance/dependence. I want to taper, but can't until after my surgery, and I don't know how removing the omeprazole will effect my dose-- I'm concerned about having seizures. I'm having crying spells in the middle of the day, convinced I'm going to die before I get to see my daughter. Any positivity or encouragement would be really appreciated.

[[Ba...]]

Bozo, so you are on no meds now?

 

Others... ADs helped you?

 

I have HA in that fearful of major depression seem to be in.  And crippling anxiety.  And apparently I am not at the level of 'average' type benzo suffering... am beyond the pale.

 

Unable to do much and fearful of that as am on my own and isolated.

 

OK, enough complaining-- never saw this board before but admit here on BB I miss tons of stuff.

[[bo...]]

Hullo there BA .. I’m on a small amount of zopiclaine still . When I say small amount , I take one tablet  over a week . I’m not concerned about it . My doctor and I have discussed it and have decided for now to just let it happen when it does. And it will. After the horrendous withdrawal of the Ativan I just don’t want to do it right now.

I understand your predicament and feel for you . The HA at its worst is literally crippling .. right now it is 4.30am in the morning where I am and I have woken up with terrible tummy pains  and bathroom visits. In the past this would have sent me through the roof thinking death was close..! Got myself some hot milk, did my breathing as well as I could and realised had overdone the roast Brussel sprouts last night !! That’s a bit step for me in managing the HA..

it really is the only answer though , and that is to ‘manage’ it ..I have to be bigger than it, because I haven’t come through this to let it ruin my life. I was getting to the stage when I wouldn’t go out the door in case something happened.

I do hope things get better for you soon BBx

[[bo...]]

Needing hope.. what a lot you are contending with . I really have nothing to offer in terms of fixing anything , but can offer you buckets of hope ... so many of us are more or less out the other side after horrendous HA amongst other things.

Panic is so difficult .. it seems ( like me) things can sometimes be bigger than what they may be? For example you say you had a early stage melanoma removed . How did it test.. ? And have they got it all ? ie clear margins? And if so there is nothing to worry about .. you mention your wife getting pregnant. In the same paragraph as the negative things. Is the pregnancy a negative or a positive? If a positive , fantastic news. So much hope there.

Try to ‘reframe ‘ everything in a different light . It’s worth a try and what helped me.

All the best BB

[[Ne...]]

Thank you for your reply, BB. I think part of the issue is that over the past 3 years I've gone through a lot of what seem (to me) to be big life changes (got married, was on a flight that almost crashed, my panic disorder resurfaced, almost lost both parents to illness in one month, my wife and I miscarried last year, plus all the other things I've mentioned, in addition to financial hardship related to the medical bills from all this-- when you go to an ER for a panic attack and they can't find anything wrong after a bunch of tests, it gets very expensive).

 

A lot of things from my childhood that I pushed away for a long time are resurfacing and manifesting in the form of my health anxiety, but the therapy I'm doing is starting to help.

 

As far as the skin cancer, the doctor said it just depended on what pathologist you ask: They would either call it pre-melanoma, or early melanoma in situ. They got it all with clear margins, and took 9 other moles (6 of which came back as severely dysplastic), so hopefully I'm in the clear for now. My cardiologist is hopeful that with early treatment, I can avoid the possible consequences of my genetics (mom has had a stroke, heart attack, DVT, and pulmonary embolism twice).

 

I'm thrilled to be a father, but am having to totally redefine my life now; I've spent 4-6 months on the road as an opera singer for the past 8 years, and I don't want to do that with a child. I want her to feel safe and loved.

 

I'll just keep trying to tell myself that this will pass and stay positive. Thank you for taking the time to answer 

[[2f...]]

Ive also developed healthy anxeity. I was acute ill oct 2017 and recovered, but since starting (and recently stopped) benzo I have healhtanxeity. Every little wd scares me.