18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[...]]

Hey,

 

I've not left because I'm done with this. In all honesty I'm saddened it has become so quiet and haven't posted as I didn't want to be billy no mates. I think a lot of us are approaching or just past 2 years and possibly a little disheartened at how it is still so up and down idk, I know I am. I mean I've had a reasonable day, however just had to think at work and it has totally fried my brain. I miss the good people and sense of together we will beat this on this thread. We do what we do to survive though.

 

Ok, last week for me was horrible, but I had loads of stress and I simply cannot handle it. Still on survive each day the best I can. Some are better than others. Sleep has improved but in no way back to what it was. Slept quite well last night but still exhausted. I am suffering a lot of physical muscle stuff. My body is soooo stiff and the fatigue that comes with it. I push to gently walk and that does help. I can be at work feeling like I cannot even move and will go for a 30 minute stroll and mostly it perks me up a bit. I think the muscle things go beyond the limbs as right now a bit of stress at work has made my ears, throat and even up my nose feel tight and closed.  I also have a lot of fog that has been cycling throughout the day.

 

This is such a slow process that I can't notice me getting better but others can...... and then I have a melt down.

 

I think some have left as they are better but just biding their time until they feel confident to write a success story. FJ has and is better and pops back to encourage us..... bless

 

I will definitely do a success story when the time is right.

 

I've spoken to Ian today and he says nobody really believes they will get betterfrom this until they do. It's true that it is what it is until it isn't.

[[so...]]

Marj,

 

Thank you so much for staying here and also for encouraging us with Ian's words.

 

It saddens me that the people who started this thread have left.  It shook me up for quite some time.  I felt abandoned.  I guess that's part and parcel of the emotions that come with withdrawal too.  I am grateful that you, Drew and Jenn are still here.  Texas Mama and Korbe and Cindys drop in from time to time.  Siggy is about to write his success story I'm sure. 

 

Let's stick together, Marj.  I know I won't leave this place until you have all posted your success stories.

 

Love, Sofa

[[dr...]]

I just post less as it is all so old to me. Reading so much suffering and seeing all the new people showing up not knowing what's in store for them depresses me.  I know I am getting better but it is too damn slow and there is nothing anyone can do for me.  My anxiety and panic are way less so unless something new pops up I just plod along.  I am not depressed just at the point of acceptance and not searching for any answers except time.    I am still here....unfortunately

[[Fi...]]

I just post less as it is all so old to me. Reading so much suffering and seeing all the new people showing up not knowing what's in store for them depresses me.  I know I am getting better but it is too damn slow and there is nothing anyone can do for me.  My anxiety and panic are way less so unless something new pops up I just plod along.  I am not depressed just at the point of acceptance and not searching for any answers except time.    I am still here....unfortunately

 

I'm guessing Drew's speaking for a lot of people.  It should definitely be taken as a sign of healing and moving forward and noticing progress when people hit the point where they realize it's just better for them to engage in real life as best they can rather than writing out their symptoms every day.  That's not to disparage the people who are still in that state.  If expressing themselves about it helps, go for it.  But I think Drew sums up nicely the place people arrive at where they are definitely healing but not ready to write success stories yet.  I'm sure they will when they're good and ready!

[[pi...]]

I guess its because people realize that after 2 years off suffering and everyday post here that nobody can help you anymore and whatever you post here in suffering and total agony you realize more and more that it dont change nothing and that things stay the same with so little improvement

 

Keep seeing people believing they are getting better just to be back in hell a few week/month after

 

The case of miss jen make me qiestion all this process as albymyself left the forum too around 2 years off just to hear from someone who talk with her out of benzobuddies that she was back in accute 26 month off and pissed off

 

I realize this myself more and more, i keep writting post in so much agony in full desperation and well whatever people say to me it dont change nothing. It bring hope for a few hours just to be back at square one a few hours later

 

I tend to believe that people write less and less and leave the forum just because they realize that nobody can help them anymore after 2 years rather than because they are healed and going back in life

 

Simply because im becoming like that myself, dont even know why i keep writting my post as im still in accute hell 20 month off and whatever i write or reassurance people give me im still in hell. So what the point huh ?

[[Wo...]]

It's definitely a sign of healing when people stop posting. I haven't been around the last couple months cause I felt pretty darn close to normal. The last couple weeks I'm back in a wave again. The waves are getting farther apart though so I know I'm getting better. It is just so unbelievably slow. January and Feb were by far the best months I've had since jumping, and I know beyond any doubt we're getting better. It is a bit sad that we move on, but it is for the best.

[[Mi...]]

I agree with Drew!

 

I felt bad posting my wave earlier but it is what it is.  And even though this sucks and I want to scream, cry, scream more. Throw things and cry lots more......  My worst feeling today doesn't compare to how bad it was.  It just still is aweful and it's not fun and still after almost 26 months scares me.  My throat has NEVER closed but during the moment it doesn't matter! My anxiety had gotten so much better but this week I have been hit HARD.  And it seems like everything is cycling through right now. Reflux, pain, aches, dizziness, air hunger, throat crap, fog, omg fog haven't had fog for along time.  So ofcourse I am panicking. And, I feel like my neck is in cement. And there is a vise grip in my head.  But you know what, I say ok fine bring it on.  I haven't had a big wave in a long time and after the storm I seem to make the biggest progress so let it storm. Bring it on! I am ready to be healed!        It's bitter sweet. Yes I am in a bad wave but it's been much much worse!  So I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT I AM STILL HEALING AND WILL COMPLETELY NOT GIVE UP OR LOSE THE HOPE FOR 100%  HEALING. 

[[Mi...]]

Sofa, I heard from Coop a few weeks ago she sounded really good! I believe she is still holding at her 90% + baseline!    I am sure she will write her success story when she gets there!

[[Si...]]

I agree with Drew too about those points.

 

I'm feeling a lot better these days. I'm not back to 100%, but feeling in the 90 to 95 range most days. I'll have bouts of head pounding / heart pounding, but it usually only lasts a few hours. My sleep is a little broken, but far far better than it had been. I do come back on to see how people  are doing and if I can help I try to help some of the newer people. Part of it is feeling a little guilty that I feel better while others are still not doing well, and partially from just being worn out from the whole ordeal. I'm still paranoid of a wave hitting me, but I'll just have to roll with the punches. I figure I'll write the success story when I hit my 2 year, which is only a few weeks away.

[[so...]]

Jenn,

 

I am so grateful you are here posting updates because I care about you and I'm waiting for the day when all this is behind you.  You have been so courageous and full of hope during all this and it inspires me to dig deeper during the very rough patches.

 

Thank you!

 

Love, Sofa

[[so...]]

So many people seem to get one last grand slam of all the symptoms they've encountered throughout the process just before complete healing.  It's like our CNS is taking one last sweep of the floor, then DONE!

 

Sofa

[[Mi...]]

Oh Sofa, I sure hope so!

[[Mi...]]

Siggy, so happy for you!  Can't wait for your success story...

 

[[Si...]]

Siggy, so happy for you!  Can't wait for your success story...

 

 

Thanks!

[[ci...]]

Hi All, Thought I would check in at the 2 year mark. I feel exactly as Drew described, it is hard to keep reading about the suffering. So I have not spent as much time here, knowing that it is only time that will heal us. I have connected with a few BBs that are early on in the process, I do remember the "fear" early on so just maybe I can help them in some small way. But after 2 years, sometimes, I am at a loss of words for those of us protracted, we have become the experts of benzo hell.

 

It is bittersweet when I see others leave the site, and those that have healed and we never hear from them again. But I understand, do we really need to have reminders of this pain and suffering once we heal?

 

So at the 2 year mark now and here is the good, the bad and the ugly:

 

The Good:

No more fear, at 11.5 months the fear left, and I could be alone again

no more uncontrollable sobbing, gone at 12 months

no more dark depression or anxiety, left at 12 months

I was able to return to work after being off for one year, traveling for work again.

No more heart palps

No more scalp tightening sensations

 

The Bad:

I still have a lot of sxs (nerve pain, body burning, pins and needles, tinnitus, joint stiffness, tightness around midsection) but to a much lesser degree with intensity and frequency.

Pain used to be at a pain level of a 10 for 8-10 hours a day, now IF it occurs it only lasts for a few minutes to a few hours in frequency. And the pain level is more annoying and uncomfortable than painful.

 

The ugly:

Insomnia, always broken sleep maybe 4-5 hours, usually awaken by night sweats, average of 2 nights a week no sleep

Night sweats

UTIs and urine retention ( 3 confirmed UTIs, last 5 months. Urine retention issues, bladder spasms) Blood in urine

 

I know there has been improvement, I am happy, I am able to work, BUT.....I am still not totally me, I am always a little "off" not sure how to describe it. But there is always something going on (maybe a little wave of depression that may last 5 mins and leave, maybe a 10 mins cry for no reason, maybe sharp pain in back for a few seconds,). I want to be able to trust my body and mind again, have my confidence back, and I am not there, yet.

 

Thanks to all of you on this thread, I may not post often, but always keep up with this thread.

 

Always, cindy

[[so...]]

Cindys,

 

I'm sure you've heard this a hundred times, but it bears repeating.  You will make it to 200% healed very soon.  Timelines are approximations not set in concrete.  The important thing is you will fully recover.  I am so impressed with your improvements already.  Yes, you still have some lingering symptoms, but those buggers will vanish like all the others you've had that left the building.  I know you feel disheartened sometimes and who wouldn't be?  I try and remind myself of how strong and resilient and healthy I truly am to endure this torture day after relentless day.  Not many people could handle this level of pain and suffering.  When this journey comes to a close for you, nothing will bother you the rest of your life.  If it takes a month or two beyond the two year mark, then fine.  Our bodies are healing areas at a molecular level that we didn't even know were in disrepair.  We are under major reconstruction and we will emerge from this process with bodies that are healthier than they've ever been, even before benzos.

 

You will make it, Cindys.  Everyone makes it to the other side.

 

Love, Sofa

[[pi...]]

 

We are under major reconstruction and we will emerge from this process with bodies that are healthier than they've ever been, even before benzos

 

Love, Sofa

 

heathler and strong than before benzo are you kidding ?

 

Do you realize how so many people cant eat like before, cant exercize like before ? Im one of them i played 10 years football and still cant even walk 10min withiut feeling sick 20 month off..

 

Dont know where you read that you will be stronger that before but its not because you read someone telling that he was that everybody will be. You just have to look at all the people sent back in hell years later after though they were healed by a simple meds, antibiotic, surgery or other major stress and have to going back to 0.

 

Deniz4. 8 years healed back to accute 8 years later after using one antibiotic and still bedriden 14 month after

 

Just one exemple....

 

Is that what you think is beeing stronger than before ?

 

Sorry to kill your positivity but i cant have your entousiasm by seeing how damage and non functional i am still 20 month off at only 28 years old.

 

Lost everything, my job, my friends, my physical and mental abilities. And i realy dont know how on earth is it possible for this to magickly turn in 4 month at the 2 year mark.

 

 

edit: content

[[Si...]]

Cindys your story in some ways sounds a lot like mine. Some if your symptoms are about where I was in month 19 to 20. Somehow it just rapidly got better right around that time. You know I had a terrible issue with sleeping. Now occassionaly I wake up, but almost always fall back asleep. I think it will happen for you at some point. I do have some symptoms still, but they went from a 9/10 down to a 1/2. Burning, tinnitus, head pressure, headaches, minor sleep disturbance are mostly all that remain. I'm glad you're able to work now. I know how hard it is to go to work through all of this. I still went to work every day even if I hadn't slept at all for two or three nights. Sometimes I did work from home, but I could only do that very occasionally.

[[Bl...]]

Haven't posted here in a while. I think I was reading too many heart wrenching posts and it was making me feel hopeless in my own recovery. Had to take a little break. I may not be posting much, but I keep up with several threads and I am thinking of everyone and sending out positive healing thoughts.

I am starting to notice that some of my cycling symptoms are getting better--almost to the end of month 23. Can't believe 2 years off is coming up next week.

Symptoms that are getting better, but not gone yet--tinnitus, chest pressure, heart palpitations, POTS, rapid heartbeat, anxiety, OCD thoughts/intrusive thoughts, energy level. The chest pressure/soreness and anxiety are still cycling and mainly show up in the late afternoon/evening.

Symptoms that are still pretty bad--muscle pain especially left shoulder, left shoulder blade, neck, and left hip.

I have to say that the insomnia is starting to get better. Still wired up in the evenings, but I eventually fall asleep and I am only waking up maybe once or twice but I can fall back asleep.

So I am seeing huge improvements just in the past few weeks or so. Still too soon to say I am through this 5 month wave, but it is looking pretty positive. 

 

[[...]]

It's really good to see everyone's updates. I just feel an affinity to you lot on here and i really care about you all. I can relate to so much of what most of you have said. Yes I know I'm better than I was but it is so slow and I am tired. I think it's difficult sometimes to recognize this because for these reasons. The up and down nature is also very difficult to deal with and the vast difference in timelines; we break a bone and know that it takes 6ish weeks to heal, that is what our minds are programmed for in terms of healing, so this is particularly difficult to comprehend and accept, I think this is why we develop health fears.

 

I remain positive that I will come through this and too realise that time is the only healer. At times I'm more positive than at others. The thing is we all have so much in common with our symptoms andwith the people who have healed, so we will too. It's just like Ian said that no one believes they will get better until they do, and he was exactly the same 30 years ago when he got in touch with the person who founded the BTP. She kept telling him he would get well in time, whilr Dr's were trying to diagnose all sorts of things. He told me he tried but still didn't believe her. Then he got well and realized she was right.  He gave back by helping others and seeing them pull through (otherwise what would be the point) and eventually took over running the project. People like this are priceless and I owe my life to. We really are the lucky ones, plus the time behind us is longer than the time infront, in terms of suffering.  Beyond that, I think we will be mostly transformed. That's what I am telling myself anyway even though I want to scream, cry, scream more. Throw things and cry lots more......  just like Jen.

 

My positive for the day...... Last night I got home from work feeling totally beyond exhausted after the last hour totally fried my brain. I rested a while, gave thanks for my beautiful kids and made the chocolate cake that I told my son I would, even though when I walked in the door, 'I though no way' .

 

:smitten:

[[...]]

Haven't posted here in a while. I think I was reading too many heart wrenching posts and it was making me feel hopeless in my own recovery. Had to take a little break. I may not be posting much, but I keep up with several threads and I am thinking of everyone and sending out positive healing thoughts.

I am starting to notice that some of my cycling symptoms are getting better--almost to the end of month 23. Can't believe 2 years off is coming up next week.

Symptoms that are getting better, but not gone yet--tinnitus, chest pressure, heart palpitations, POTS, rapid heartbeat, anxiety, OCD thoughts/intrusive thoughts, energy level. The chest pressure/soreness and anxiety are still cycling and mainly show up in the late afternoon/evening.

Symptoms that are still pretty bad--muscle pain especially left shoulder, left shoulder blade, neck, and left hip.

I have to say that the insomnia is starting to get better. Still wired up in the evenings, but I eventually fall asleep and I am only waking up maybe once or twice but I can fall back asleep.

So I am seeing huge improvements just in the past few weeks or so. Still too soon to say I am through this 5 month wave, but it is looking pretty positive. 

 

 

 

This is great and I could have written your post.  Keep going and believing   

[[St...]]

I'm in one hell of a wave at 15.5 months my light and sound sensitivity are as bad as they were in acute, it's so depressing. Is it normal for a wave this far out to be so severe that it is reminiscent of acute?

[Guest [...]]

Stuckindoors,Yes!I was a mess at 15 months,and light sensitive,vision off,super dizzy,anxious with that revved up feeling all day,so yes,for many of us,that is the awful normal of 15 months,sorry!Hang in there though,things will wax and wane for months before healing!

[[ci...]]

Sofa, Thank you so much for your kind words and support. You are so right about the 2 year mark, it seems many have healed w/i a few months of the 2 year mark. It does amaze me of the suffering we have gone thru, but I do know we will heal, and we just must give it more time. Thank you again and I wish you the very best. I love the 200% comment!

 

Siggy, I have been keeping up with your recent posts, and I am so happy to see your progress. Our sxs have been so similar. Especially with the brutal insomnia, but you have given me such hope. Thank you.

 

Blue moon, so nice you are seeing improvements, it seems there are alot of us at the 2 year mark who are seeing improvement. But we sure are worn out. Sleep is usually the last issue to resolve, and seems that is improving for you , also. Thank goodness.

 

Marj, You have pulled me up so many times with your posts and PMs. You are always so positive. Sometimes, I avoid posting during my bad times, but you always find a way to send us a positive message. I always appreciate you taking the time to share your conversations with Ian. Thank you

[[Bl...]]

I'm in one hell of a wave at 15.5 months my light and sound sensitivity are as bad as they were in acute, it's so depressing. Is it normal for a wave this far out to be so severe that it is reminiscent of acute?

[/quote

Stuckindoors--

Unfortunately, yes. I had a massive wave starting month 20 as intense at times as acute and with new symptoms thrown in. But I think there were some things I did to set it off--I was doing too much intense aerobic exercise last summer/fall (thinking I was in the clear), I was not managing stress very well, and I was not eating as clean as I should have been. I had to go back to square one. But I am starting to come out of this wave--after taking really good care of myself!

It just takes time and good self-care, but you will get better!