18 - 30 Month Plus Group

[[so...]]

MT,

 

You are plowing through it and having some moments of clarity and peace.  How wonderful!  My anxiety pretty much stays at an uncomfortable level throughout the day.  I'm hoping it's getting better and I just can't attach to it until it gets MO BETTAH.

 

Sofa

[[so...]]

Flicka,

 

I'm hanging in.  Anxiety is always too high, but I made dinner for my son to take home to his family.  The anxiety makes my stomach and saggy abs feel like they are being squeezed.  It's hard to ignore.

 

How are you doing?

 

Sofa

[[so...]]

Jen,

 

This is your last big OOFAH before completely recovering.  One last kick in the gut.  It's a good sign that some symptoms are circling back.  Healing is like a tornado funnel.  Wide at the top and narrower at the bottom.  Our bodies are healing at a faster rate now.  We're almost done. 

 

I could be full of sh*t.  I'd rather ruminate about tornadoes and healing than quicksand and choking.  Sometimes there's not much difference between the last two.

 

Sigh....

 

Heart is beating too fast.

 

Sofa

[[so...]]

Marj,

 

The days just bleed into each other, don't they?  It feels like I have tennis elbow today.  It's 5pm here and time for my hot flashes and sweating.  Yep.  Here they are...

 

Sofa

[[dr...]]

Sofa the Healed 

[[so...]]

Whereami,

 

I get the temp fluctuations all the time.  It used to be hot flashing then chills.  Now it's a 5pm hot stuffy feeling, like I'm in a plastic bag kind of mugginess.

 

I'm a very attractive date if you like sweaty toads.

 

Sofa

[[so...]]

Drew,

 

Funny man...

 

I need a wet washcloth to wipe the ick off my sweaty skin.  This is super.

 

I can't sit in restaurants at ALL, let alone have a meeting.  With your spicy meal, at least you have an excuse for the sweats.  I never had BO before withdrawal.  Now I smell like a gas station bathroom.

 

Sofa

[[dr...]]

Sofa-sorry but my meal was just eggplant parm.  Mild as mild could be.  I just said that so it would t look strange. 

[[so...]]

Drew,

 

You are afraid of looking strange?  My God, I passed that hurdle in acute.

 

Sofa

[[Si...]]

Miss Jen, yes that is a great quote from Nova. Hope he's doing well.

 

Drew, glad you've had more tolerable days.

 

Sofa, my wife rarely sweats. She doesn't even have to wear deoderant. She's Korean. A lot of Asians lack the gene that causes the BO.

 

After a relatively decent day yesterday, last night was bad. I went to bed at eleven and woke up at 12:30! 

 

I tried taking tart cherry juice and a Hydroxyzine. No dice. Then a few hours later against my better judgement, took another. Still didn't work right away. I tossed and turned in our guest bed for a long time. Put some nights shades and earplugs in as the curtains in there are really thin and there are birds in the tree outside. Ended up falling asleep around 4am. Then my wife wakes me up at 6:30am on her way out heading to work. At first I thought it was one out our cats decididng to play with my hair. Ended up going to work even though I felt like crap. I still feel like crap.

[[so...]]

Siggy,

 

Last night I fought with heart racing palps and head pounding all night.  Went to bed at 9pm, woke up with the crap at 11pm and never could "roll over and fall asleep" again.  My son drove me two hours to a Beverly Hills doctor evaluation for workers comp lawsuit that's been scheduled for 6 months that I've been dreading.  I knew what was happening.  The stress intolerance we can do NOTHING to avoid.

 

I'm home and, although the doctor and his staff were wonderful, not to mention my beautiful son, I'm still shaken up, but relieved it's over.  I hope I don't continue to fall apart over EVERYTHING like I do now.

 

Your sleep will come back online.  I need to pray mine will too.

 

Sofa

 

P.S.  The doctor was floored at the medication I was prescribed after back surgery.  He said I was so tiny and the meds I took could have killed an elephant. 

[[MT...]]

MT,

 

Hope you had another easier day at work. One day this won't be so hard and we'll recognise the strength it took. It's so weird as yesterday I could hardly breathe with anxiety and today not so much anxiety but the head and neck pressure is just as bad. It's like something eases off and something else slots on it's place. Can you communicate with people at work? I made conversation with someone in the kitchen and after a few seconds I wanted to run away and then it's  so scary that you feel like that. I've always been a chatterbox before this.

 

 

Marj,

 

Communication during wd can be tough. I find I usually do better with one on one and structured stuff than, gasp, the horror of small talk. Yesterday I was so whacked out from sleep deprivation that I had that fuzzy, layers of cotton between me and the world feeling. When I was on the phone with my best friend I couldn't connect and felt all awkward. All I could do was *imitate* how a normal person could talk but when I do this it feels fake and it's not as smooth. That's how I get through bad days at work. I do my normal person imitation. Some days it's more convincing than others. Today I mostly nailed it and even felt natural from time to time but it wasn't easy at any point. I feel such relief when I've made it through the day.

 

Sofa,

 

I'm glad you're getting some spots of relief from 5-alarm mornings and I hope your sleep and anxiety turn around soon.

 

Siggy,

 

Insomnia is so vexing!!!!!!! But your sleep came back before, it will again. Last night was my first night probably in a month with an almost return to my crappy baseline of January of getting at least a few hours of very broken sleep. I even lost some time and I haven't lost time since mid Feb. I want to believe this means it's starting to creep back.

 

Hang in there benzo warriors. We're walking through fire right now but we're some tough mofos and we're getting stronger bit by bit.

 

MT

[[...]]

I've had to go sick today from work. I usually force myself to go, often crying before I go, stumbling out of the house. Today I just couldn't, just could not face another day there with thick DR, anxiety and all the other crap. It's been so bad lately that the health fears are massive. I could hardly climb the stairs to bed last night, my body feels totally broken. Head pressure is off the charts. I'm so scared I have something progressive and it's not even WD. Sorry for the same old, I would welcome being taken right now. I feel trapped inside a paralysed body. Just can't see how this ends....... desperate  :'(

[[so...]]

Marj,

 

It's good you took the day off.  Sometimes we've just got to stop fighting this and say, "fuck it."  Let this crap wash over us, stop asking ourselves when will it end, stop looking for little signs that it's getting better...all this over-thinking and ruminating is absolutely exhausting.

 

My sleep came back again.  Softer landing wake-up too.  Still get up feeling nauseous and suffocated by this withdrawal.  I tried to describe to my son what this felt like.  This is so bizarre I was at a loss for words.  How could I describe something I've never felt before that is so alien to normal life?  How could I tell him that during conversations I'm listening to two people talking, one of them is me, but I'm observing the discussion as a third party?  Get the straight-jacket, size small, please.

 

Sofa

[[so...]]

MT,

 

The sleep creeping back is a good sign.  All I've ever had these last 28 months are tiny moments of less horrible that blip in and out.  I've never had wide open windows of normalcy.  Just different torture machines in the withdrawal dungeon.  Is it the rack today, or the bed of nails?

 

Sofa

[[Lo...]]

Mine is the sleep deprivation chamber and getting set on fire.

 

How the fuck can i still be like this after 3 months low dose??

[[so...]]

Lockie,

 

I ask myself this question every day.  How can I be like this after 2.5 months low sporadic doses?  Siggy took 25 pills for a few weeks!  Laserjet, same thing.  It makes no sense.  How could we have messed up our receptors so badly in this amount of time with a few pills?  There's just no logic to any of this.

 

Sofa

[[...]]

Thanks Sofa, I feel defeated,  I honestly feel fucked. Thinking auto immune disease now. Never in my life have I been a hypochondriac.

 

So sorry you got screwed Lockie. I thought I was unlucky, seems this is very common.

[[wh...]]

Hey, Prettydaisy  - You've got burning in the HOO HA. Hey! Isn't that a song? No ! No ! Silly moi. It's sex on fire !!! 

 

Thanks for the suggestion about the ice pack. Junior doesn't like the cold. Shitty trade off. 

 

 

Sofa - You, Wet Toad. Me, Burning Nutsack ... Howgh !

 

A-hem ... I am so happy for you. To better days ahead !

 

Feeling out of sorts and I've got the runs. I give up ! Seems like something new is popping up every other day. This definitely sucks balls !!!

Hey ! I just thought of something ! I'm sitting here, on my porcelain throne, laptop ... uh... on my lap and chatting. I'm shit chatting !!! LOL Get it?! Not chit chatting but shit chatting. Awesome !

 

God speed everyone .... whatever that means.

 

[[so...]]

Whereami,

 

I'm sorry you're on fire in the nether regions.  Would ACV help?  It's a natural anti-inflammatory, but it's vinegar, so may burn...ugh...probably not a great suggestion. 

 

Sofa

[[wh...]]

Hey Sofa !

 

Hope all is well.

 

ACV ! Been there. Holy mother of bleep ! bleep ! bleep ! I was doing the electric boo- ga - loo !!!

 

I'll stick to kinder and more gentle treatments for the testies, but thanks.

 

Has your cortisol monster shown it's ugly head ?

 

I hope the bastard is dead !

 

Nothing but love and positive thoughts being sent your way.

 

Be well

 

 

[[so...]]

Whereami,

 

Thanks so much for the well wishes.  The cortisol monster is still with me, just a bit lower in the wee hours, but not gone.

 

I'm waiting this out like the rest of us.  Boo-Ga-Looing to the beat of my constant head pulsing.  It feels like a time bomb ticking.  If it explodes, so be it.  This will be over one way or the other.

 

Just sick of feeling sick.  When I eat something, it feels like it just lands like a rock in my stomach, then tries to work its way up my throat again.  Lovely.

 

In the early evening, I start the stuffy feeling, coupled with barbecued pit pig sweats.

 

At night, I get a short run of the electric guitar feet and drugged head.

 

Let the good times roll.

 

Sofa

[[...]]

Sofa I feel the same. If something is going to kill me then please hurry up. I've gone into a dark depresssion. Just had a walk and could hardly walk straight. My daughter is going to look at Jin tomorrow and I don't even think I will manage to go. Something so simple and it's a massive ask. If this carries on like this I can't see me being able to continue working. Then what? I hare this so much is destroys lives. I can't think one positive thought. Feel like giving up, I have nothing left. Sorry for even more misery, I don't know how much longer I can go with no break.  :'(

[[so...]]

Marj,

 

I feel so bad for you right now.  The dark depression is a killer when it swoops down and consumes me.  I still have a problem with anxiety at the grocery store.  I have a stabbing pain in my left lower back above my butt, like a knife is being twisted in and out.  I'm laying on my back hoping it'll go.

 

All these things add up in us and send us down the rabbit hole of despair.  We constantly have to deal with symptom after symptom, one thing leaving as another takes its place.  Who wouldn't be depressed?

 

We are going to be okay, Marj.  Not right now, but soon.  2017 is our year to recover.  We probably won't even notice when symptoms leave.  They've been with us for years.  Our healing has been so slow and barely noticeable.  The departure of our symptoms will probably happen just like the healing has...painfully, unbearably S-L-O-W.

 

I'm here with you, Marj.  We are in the same dinghy full of holes and bailing salt water.

 

Sofa

[[jj...]]

Thanks, JJ.  Baby steps.  How are your symptoms?  I know you are struggling with your own brand of hell too.

 

We will improve one little grain of sand at a time.

 

Sofa

 

I think I'm still slowly improving. Still dizzy everyday but even that has gotten a little better. Probably... I dunno if I'm seeing improvement or I just want to, lol.

I'm getting about 5 hours of broken sleep still but the skin burning has been very mild or gone the last few weeks, I'm sweating less at night and my heart palps are more or less gone. Mentally I'm clear, so I'm grateful for that. I managed to dodge most of the cognitive symptoms but have been hammered by almost everything else.

 

I've been doing intermittent fasting since reading about it on recovery-road for about six months now and I do think that's helped a little along with breathing exercises. My next experiment is going to be using a type of therapy called iLs (integrated learning systems) that uses gated music to stimulate the vestibular system. Might not do anything, but it's just music so it can't hurt