Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[Ma...]]

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[[ve...]]

I had a zero sleep nite last nite and this a.m., into full blown achy, benzorhhea, down in the dumps mode.  I had the racing thoughts last nite which is the most difficult sxs for me.  I know the stress of Christmas has brought me down.  I found out a week ago, I was to host the Christmas Eve family gathering and that just put me into spin mode.  Too much to do and too little time to get it all done.  I'll let family members know tomorrow a.m. if I have to cancel the dinner or not.  Hopefully, I can spring back into action with a good nite's sleep tonight and the WD sxs gone by tomorrow a.m.  ...hoping for this but too sure that will happen.  I have not taken mimi's good advice to "not bully" our healing process.  I will take extra time to commit to near future stuff.  I hadn't had a zero nite since Oct. 12th so well over two months ago. :'(  Benzo stuff does not respect time intervals. 

Rocko

 

Hi Rocko, Mimi and all post benzo pepes .  I was sorry to read about your sleep trouble, Rocko,  and upswing in stress.  And Mimi, that sounds like an unpleasant wave with regard to your post.  As you know, I am no stranger to having stress spike at this time of year .  I too was planning a big Christmas/end of year party for my father's return home from a month in hospital, two years ago in 2009.  I pushed myself too hard at five weeks after my taper finished and ended up with Shingles :'(.  It's unlikely that y'all will get Shingles, but I think it's a good idea to stay mindful of your health and what you can handle this first Christmas post taper.  I clearly overdid things and paid the price two years ago.  It's a fine balance between recovering and getting the rest one needs vs starting to engage in more social events and take on more of the tasks one used to do more easily.  Remember, it's a blessing to be off the benzo .  Hope all my post benzo pepes have a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and an enjoyable holiday season.

 

 

Vertigo

[[gi...]]

Merry Christmas, my post-bz freedom buddies! May this coming year be the year we all find relief!

 

ginger

[[mt...]]

Merry Christmas to all my dear post benzo buddies,

 

I am happy to report I had a simply magnificent day.  I felt the best I have since the end of my taper.  So very thankful and grateful for so many here and at home as well as for myself.  I am proud that I fought so long and hard and I am beginning to see glimpses of the life I love ...return.

 

Thank you for all your enduring support.  It has meant the world to me.

 

Happy Holidays and Heartfelt Blessings to all!

Mimi

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mimi i am so glad u r in such a great place.  so happy for you.  it is certainly well deserved.

 

was it this site that rec'd the doc film fat, sick and nearly dead?  it just came from net flix

 

i really need to look at what i eat.

been eting dark choco. super stressful month here just leaving month 6 off.  crazy slammer month

[[ro...]]

Hi to everyone: 

 

Mimi:  I'm glad you had a wonderful day.  I hope they just keep on a' coming your way with non-stop feel good days.  How is your hubby doing?  I know you have had so much to handle in your post recovery but you seem to so well balanced in how to nurture yourself without over doing it.  I hope hubby is full on his way to complete healing and recovery.  Thanks for your words of encouragement and ever sage advice on hosting Christmas.  I will do it completely different next year - this was a trial run going through benzo recovery. 

 

I did host the Christmas Eve gathering of 18 people and two babies.  I bounced back from Thursday nite's complete tank of "zero sleep" with the usual WD sxs into the next day.  Had a good day yesterday too, but last nite, did not get to sleep until 4 a.m. - 7:30 a.m.  This stuff really is one step forward and two steps backing up at any time.  The worst part is that one cannot stop it either.  No brakes!!

 

Libby;  how is your studying coming along?  I really admire you for your diligence in studying for this upcoming test.  Hope you "ace" it completely!!

 

Pan:  please let me know how you like the doc film "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead."  I've heard many comments on this and I was wondering how factual it will be presented. 

 

Vertigo:  thank you for explaining the end of your taper and the resulting Shingles.  That would be horrendous to get through after completing a long taper.  We have new baby CNS's and I know I pushed myself too fast and furious from Thanksgiving onto Christmas.  Can you get Shingles again if you have already had it?  I was wondering if this is like Chicken Pox (a one time hit).

 

Moving forward to our one year anniversaries -- some will get there sooner and how great will that be? :yippee:

 

Best regards,

Rocko

 

 

[[An...]]

Hi everyone

 

Nice to read the Christmas updates and that some of us were feeling better, but at least we all coped with it and it´s over for another year.

 

I think I may be healed - well almost there.  I have been feeling absolutely fine since 7 1/2 months exactly and when I woke up that morning after that nasty wave I felt good but as if this was not a window but the real mccoy.  I may be tempting fate by writing this!

 

I just have the minutest morning anxiety on some but not all mornings - from time to time, around 1.00 pm I occasionally feel a bit of underlying nerviness and I am aware of the occasional shortness of breath.  But overall nothing too bad.

 

I have just made a strenuous trip to Israel where I met with another BB (Struggle10)  We have been corresponding on her blog for a while and it was amazing to meet her in person.  She is really nice and we plan to keep in touch.  We had a nice cup of coffee and a chat in the hotel lobby.

 

I coped with the flights and the running around I did there with no problem.

 

It really feels amazing to feel amazing!

 

Wishing everyone else happy healing and I will continue to give updates and when I am convinced I am over this nightmare I will post a success story, but not before.  I have another trip coming up in a couple of weeks which entails flights, caring for my hubby after an op (nothing major) and visiting my mother who as you are probably aware is perhaps one of the reasons I started on benzos in the first place (when I had that panic attack back in April) ... so a few challenges coming up and if I get through that, will be really happy.

 

Love

Angel xx

 

 

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wow angel that is amazing news.  i hope so much it is over for you.  what a huge relief.  maybe i will follow in your footsteps as i am now in my 7th month off and having a tough time.

 

a lot of anxiety and depression.  depression was really bad today. felt like relapsing on ad's but i did not.  pretty uncomfortable darn it.

 

i will let u know how that film is

[[An...]]

I do hope so Pan!

 

The wave I had at the beginning of my 7th month was particularly nasty.  I think I wrote about it here and it mainly involved anxiety and depression (and ideations again). Then, I felt better!

 

I don't think any of us necessarily follow anyone else's timelines but I am now convinced we all get there eventually.

 

 

Angel xx

 

 

[[ji...]]

Hi everyone

 

Nice to read the Christmas updates and that some of us were feeling better, but at least we all coped with it and it´s over for another year.

 

I think I may be healed - well almost there.  I have been feeling absolutely fine since 7 1/2 months exactly and when I woke up that morning after that nasty wave I felt good but as if this was not a window but the real mccoy.  I may be tempting fate by writing this!

 

I just have the minutest morning anxiety on some but not all mornings - from time to time, around 1.00 pm I occasionally feel a bit of underlying nerviness and I am aware of the occasional shortness of breath.  But overall nothing too bad.

 

I have just made a strenuous trip to Israel where I met with another BB (Struggle10)  We have been corresponding on her blog for a while and it was amazing to meet her in person.  She is really nice and we plan to keep in touch.  We had a nice cup of coffee and a chat in the hotel lobby.

 

I coped with the flights and the running around I did there with no problem.

 

It really feels amazing to feel amazing!

 

Wishing everyone else happy healing and I will continue to give updates and when I am convinced I am over this nightmare I will post a success story, but not before.  I have another trip coming up in a couple of weeks which entails flights, caring for my hubby after an op (nothing major) and visiting my mother who as you are probably aware is perhaps one of the reasons I started on benzos in the first place (when I had that panic attack back in April) ... so a few challenges coming up and if I get through that, will be really happy.

 

Love

Angel xx

 

This gives me hope! 6 months out in my worst wave yet. Glad you are doing better!

[[ib...]]

 

I am happy to report I had a simply magnificent day.  I felt the best I have since the end of my taper.  So very thankful and grateful for so many here and at home as well as for myself.  I am proud that I fought so long and hard and I am beginning to see glimpses of the life I love ...return.

 

Hi Mimi,

 

Nice to read you had such a wonderful day.... it gives me such hope. I have been hit with such a bad wave this past couple of weeks. I am now 7-months out and not feeling well  .  Feels like I have taken a hugh step backwards, so very frustrating ...Reading all the post from you and the other BB sure does give me hope, I am praying that I will turn the corner soon and start feeling myself...

 

It has been so bad, that I actually had thoughts (for a brief moment) about reinstating.  :'(

I have come to far to give in and with the help of God, BB and my family I know I will get through this. Just need a break from feeling so lousy....

 

Take care and God Bless...

 

Ibmom

 

[[Li...]]

Hey guys-

 

I passed my exam!! It was awful- I was hit with really bad fatigue during most of the exam (FOUR hours) and had to re-read things over and over and over. I also have had a fairly bad headache the last few days, and some nausea. Stress and withdrawal combined, I'm sure. Anyway, it's over and I couldn't believe it when the screen popped up saying I had passed the test! I am truly thankful for all your support. I was excited to "stop in" and let you all know!

 

Hang in there, those of you struggling. Angel, I'm so glad you seem to have turned the corner. That is utterly fantastic news.

 

Love,

 

Libby

[[Sc...]]

:yippee:   Congratulations, Libby!!!  :yippee:

[[...]]

yeah Libby - wonderful; phew

Ibmom - i relate.  in my 7th month and feel awful ; just not like myself; the dr/dp stuff scares me

 

i keep getting afraid that i will not heal from this.  that perhaps i shocked my system from my quickie taper.  i can't keep second guessing that but i am in that darn fear so much.  it has been so long like this and the thought of it staying  like this is tough

i know - faith.  i am struggling today and yesterday a lot.  i am afraid of info on quick tapers leading to permanent brain damage.  but i talked to a ashton treatment center guy and he just implied putting me on valium would simply help my chances of staying off and make me more comfortable

any support greatly appreciated.  thanks so much for listening to this

[[Li...]]

Pan, am I understanding you right, in that you spoke to someone at an Ashton treatment center who said you might do better getting on Valium?? No way, don't listen!!! Would it make you more comfortable? Maybe. For awhile anyway. Would it make the problem bigger, and keep you from healing in the end? Yes! I reinstated about six months after my withdrawal in 2010, but I didn't know then what I know now. I didn't even know I was in withdrawal. I absolutely relate- that first "taper" (which was reckless and not even a taper) I had severe dp/dr, and it was awful. I felt like I was going crazy. But over time it got less and less. It still happens sometimes even now, but at this point I'm only 7 months benzo-free, and I absolutely know it is withdrawal-related. I did NOT know that the first time around, and I reinstated, and I'm still paying the price for that decision. Please don't reinstate, you've come so far! And been such a blessing to those of us here at BB who have needed your support. I absolutely do not think our damage is permanent. Our poor brains just need a bit more time to rewire themselves. Hold on- remember all the stories of people who were in their worst time and then healed. You'll get there, I have no doubt.

 

Lots of love,

 

Libby   

 

P.S. Schatje, thank you!! I'm pinching myself even all these hours later.

[[...]]

oh libby u and leena are such angels in my life.  yes he did tell me that but that was months ago and i considered reinstating then but did not because of input from folks on here; thank goodness.  thanks so much for your story.  it helps me a lot.  i am not in my 7th month too and i would not consider reinstating; i just mentioned him because of my fears around my quickie taper.  i asked him why he thought that getting off quick was dangerous and he said he did not know - just that he needed to get me more "comfortable"  then my  aa sponsor said "you're not supposed to be comfortable getting off dangerous drugs"

 

anyway thanks for telling me your story again; i bet i can get to sleep now.  phew.  i feel so different.  it is like a prayer.

love you sweetness.

i guess i just don't know why it is still so hard; still having dr/dp and depression bad; not like it was though and you are right it does not terrify me like it did early on

we could have a window stay open any day.

thanks so much for being there

this has been a whiney spell i'm having...

[[mt...]]

HI Gang

 

Ibmom Sorry to hear you are having some rough days.  I am still amazed at all of you that are working and have children to care for each day.  I just returned home from dinner with the extended family and it was SOOO stimulating.  It is after excursions out and about that I am grateful for my quiet cocoon which has allowed my CNS to NOT be overstimulated and stressed out...Which we all now can cause our symptoms to flare.  Do what you can to find a "port in the storm" as you have weathered quite a storm over the past year.  Throw in the Christmas season and it is not wonder you are feeling ill at times.  It is time that brings healing...each day between you and your taper is a step closer to complete healing and health.

 

Libby Great news on the test.  Big High Five!  A moment of strength and success...just when you needed it.

 

Pan  Hang  in there...check out perseverance's blog...lots of great news on the healing process. 

 

Angel SO glad you are feeling better and able to enjoy your trip.

 

Some days  all we can do is focus on getting through the next 24 hours...one hour at a time.  The hours and days eventually add up andsoon we find ourselves crossing the final finish line and onto total complete healing and vibrant health and well being.  We'll all get there! 

 

Mimi

[[km...]]

Pan,

I'm surprised that someone at the Ashton place would suggest that.  This is a very long road and 6 months is pretty early in this game.  I'm almost 16 months out and still fighting the good fight.  I know how hard this is but we have to stay the course.  I reinstated at 6 months out my first time around and I think all that did was make matters worse for me.  I even tried to stablize for 6 months and never did.  So for 3 years now my mind has been in turmoil so it will take time to reverse all that has happened to it.  Hang in there it does get better but only very slowly.

Hugs

Kristin

[[Li...]]

Pan, how are you doing today? Did you get some sleep?

 

Love,

 

Libby

[[ve...]]

Hi all.  A quick note to wish all of my post benzo pepes a healthy and "feel better" 2012 .  Congrats Libby on passing your test .  Quite an accomplishment.  Hope you're turning the corner Pan and got some much needed sleep . Hang in there IBmom.  Although the thought of reinstatement is at times understandable and the road may be frustrating at times, you've travelled far to reach this point.  So I hope you can stay strong, keep the faith and continue being patient with the process! Angel, so wonderful to hear that your medical procedure went well and that you've been able to travel to Israel. I hope you gave Ilana a hug for me .  Hi Mimi.  A little overstimulating family visitation? .  I feel your pain, but hey, like you said, we do what we can and keep moving toward vibrant health, even if we sidestep part of the way .  Keep up the good fight, Kmarie.  You're right, we must try to stay the course . Heading out to a pre New Year's eve party. Well, my ride is here so I'd better dash. 

 

All my best in the new year ,

 

Vertigo

[[ve...]]

The morning after.  As one who has been at this for 2 years post benzo, I have tried to avoid consuming too much alcohol.  I have indicated from time to time on this thread that I resumed alcohol too soon in the first six months post benzo, and regretted it.  I understand if some of you all decide abstinance is best, but I always wanted to get back to a point where moderate use on occasion would be possible. 

 

My wife and I went to a pre New Years eve party last night where they were serving martinis.  I've only had a martini one other time last summer and only one.  I decided it was time to give two a try and see how things went.  I ended up having a glass of white wine before the party and two martinis over a two hour period.  All went better than expected.  I could feel a slight light headedness (buzz) after one hour, but not anything problematic.  I did notice at one point that I was a little overstimulated by the loud conversation, laughs and so forth but I managed to sneak upstairs to watch some of the bowl game that was on, a great high scoring match between Washington and Baylor University.  I ultimately returned to the group and enjoyed the rest of the evening.  I slept fine and have awoken with no noticeable negative side effects. Just thought I'd report this for some who  might be interested in my experience with hard liquor at 25 months out.

 

Vertigo

[[Dp...]]

That is awesome news Vertigo. Glad to hear that things are starting to pan out for you! I am almost 19 months out and in a pretty ruff wave atm, but hoping that it will start to calm down in the coming months.

 

Dane

[[...]]

verti - wow cool Party!  Party!  i would love to be able to drink a bit but i have been in AA many years for that issue.  got the best of me very young.  i could not get drunk sometimes - but then - bam and then the guilt.

 

thanks so much for the words of encouragement

kmarie - it was a treatment center person who did the ashton method.  it was early on when i called them and he watned to reinstate me.  i would not consider that now.  afraid of valium then because it causes depression and that is a big issue for me.

today is my birthday and my friends met me out for dinner and there was about 10 of them and we had a blast.  only a few moments of not feeling well.  so thankful.

 

here are things in my 7th month that i am better from:  no more insomnia - unless i am in a worry state of my own, no more bladder infection feeling, no more fear i am dying, no more extreme weirdness (dr/dp) - man that was crazy early on - so thankful i made it thru that!, no more pins and needles, no more dental pain, no more waking in the morning and completely emptying in the bathroom, no more fear of what my next thought will be, no more fear of doing things (just lethargy) nore more not handling business dealings, no more chills,  no more death idealizations - i had this fear my doggies would go to heaven, no more hallucinations, and dizziness - just a little dizzy in the morning.

 

and blessings - learning, gratitude; people like you - who practice principles - courage, humility, willingness, service, tolerance, honesty, brotherly love  - these are each principles behind the 12 steps in aa  smile

 

and this has changed my soul - no more "what pill do i need to feel better?"  no more doctor appointments except for high bp and that is low now i'm on break

 

thanks for caring about me u guys.  i do get a little lonely.  be so thankful for your happy marriages.  i hope i get to have one....smile..thankful for my faith and hope that has been increased from this ordeal...severe mercy i guess (thanks Leena)

[[...]]

so sorry dane - that is rough;  geez i guess it sure takes what it takes.  saying a prayer for you.  dang it all.  what are your x/s?  i mean s/x?

[[Li...]]

Oh wow Verti, I read the first line "The morning after," and saw the lack of smiley faces and such and I figured you had had a horrible experience! SO glad to read that quite the opposite is true. That's great.

 

Great post Pan. Sometimes I forget when I am still struggling, that I am still doing so much better than I was just several short months ago. And I too am grateful for what I learned (a HARD EARNED lesson indeed) about medications in general. I am so grateful to be armed with this knowledge as I become a parent (I'm adopting a little girl with HIV, can't remember if I mentioned that in this thread or not). She'll need meds, yes, but I can be a better consumer and try to keep her on the ones with less potential for side effects. And I will be ever watchful, looking for signs that meds are interfering with her functioning or feeling in any way. Before benzos, I just didn't GET how harmful medications can be. Helpful as well, yes indeed, especially for a life-threatening illness, but I still have choices as to which medications my baby will get, and I can use nutrition and supplements to help her along as well. All things that I didn't think through enough earlier in my own life. I kind of wonder if I learned this horrible lesson on myself for this very specific reason, to prepare me to parent a child who will be on a cocktail of medications her whole life.

 

Dane, I hope you feel better soon. That is difficult to be struggling for so long. You're in my thoughts.

 

Love,

 

Libby