Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[ve...]]

Hi All

I will keep this short as Colin has advised  there is work on the server this afternoon and all could be lost!  I wanted to say Happy Friday to all and give an update to my general well being.  I am feeling quite better.  Interestingly I began to feel quite depressed a few days ago and I am wondering if it had to do with exercise.  I was riding my bike every day and adding a bit of yoga and noticed I was breaking out in tears and feeling very down.  After being quiet for a few days it is passing...so maybe just over doing things a bit.  I am going to rest a few more days and try again next week and experiment.  I googled exercise induced depression and found quite a few posts on how many people experience this phenomenon.  It induces the OPPOSITE effect in some folks.  I studied modern dance while growing up and did experience a few panic attacks after dance class and always wondered why....  There was some talk about how some folks genetically have less receptors and can be predisposed to depression and anxiety.  Hope I am not one!  My one dream has been to run a mini marathon.  All through my taper I would envision myself running along with vibrant energy....remember how we could run and run as children.  I want even a tiny sliver of that energy back!The good news is SF Bay area is having warm sunny weather and that is a big help for this sun loving beach girl! Sending you all love, gratitude and heartfelt wishes for a wonderful weekend!

Mimi

 

Hi Mimi.  I'll keep it short in case some of the posts get deleted as a result of the imminent system upgrade .  About a year ago, I had overdone the exercise (lost about 25lbs from September to November 2010) which resulted in oscillating high anxiety in the mornings and some blues at one year off the benzo.  I also wondered why after exercising for 30 minutes on my bike, I had waves of fatigue about an hour later.  Like you, I thought the endorphins would kick in and that I'd have MORE energy!!!  As I increased the carbs to a more "normal" level in 2011, things improved quite  a bit.  Yet, I still do not have the energy that I had hoped for at this stage, although to be honest,  I have not exercised regularly for a couple months now.  It ebbs and flows.  Hopefully we'll get some answers. I still think regular exercise is a good thing. Recently watched a show about the brain on Charlie Rose and also Jane Fonda was interviewed on Piers Morgan the other night.  Both shows talked about the benefits of exercise, particularly as we age.  I still think we're better off doing the exercise, in moderation, while also taking breaks when your body gives you that feedback.

 

Have a great weekend!

 

Vertigo

[[st...]]

Angel, one should wean off beta blockers so be sure to ask your doctor before you stop them.  I have had high blood pressure for many years and it took me a long while to find one that didn't have negative effects.  Beta blockers caused terrible depression for me and once off them my mood changed drastically.

 

Patty  xo

[[An...]]

Just an update.  As I have written I was in a really bad wave lately, and for the past few days have been feeling  so horrible and cr*ppy with no let up.

 

Well ... today I woke up almost symptom free (very little morning anxiety) - I decided not to take a beta blocker and only take one if the anxiety played up.  You know how it is when you have been feeling simply terrible, you are scared to face each day in case it is just as bad or even worse - that´s what my morning was like ..... not really able to believe I may be okay so was on edge just waiting for the anxiety and the yukky feeling to remerge ....... and so far, it´s 4.30 pm ... it hasn´t!!!

 

I can honestly say that today I feel like a milliion dollars, totally brilliant - I have just come back from a Christmas lunch party at some friends (despite no alcohol or even food due to this colonoscopy on Monday) - and now getting ready to go to another Christmas do tonight.

 

To feel so well is the best present I could give myself and I promise never to take it for granted again .... and when my window closes ... which it will ..... I will come back and read this post that good health can happen!

 

Hope my BB´s are doing well too and enjoy your weekend.

 

Angel xx

[[An...]]

Angel, one should wean off beta blockers so be sure to ask your doctor before you stop them.  I have had high blood pressure for many years and it took me a long while to find one that didn't have negative effects.  Beta blockers caused terrible depression for me and once off them my mood changed drastically.

 

Patty  xo

 

Hi Patty

 

Our posts must have crossed.  I hear what you say about the beta blocker and it is interesting to hear it caused depression for you. I have been feeling simply awful of late but I had been feeling okayish on them so cannot be sure it is from the beta blocker. 

 

As you will have read in my post just now I have not taken one today - I just couldn´t face the thought of having another lousy day.  I know I should check with my doctor to wean off them - I am going to take the risk of not taking one today and see what happens tomorrow ( I am now supposed to be on 20mg/day).  Do you think I may have repercussions Patty?

 

Thanks.

 

Angel xx

[[An...]]

Patty

 

I have followed your advice and just sent a message to my doctor asking his advice on how to taper and if he will allow me just 10mg at night for now.

 

Many thanks again and hope you are holding up.

 

Angel xx

[[ve...]]

Patty I have followed your advice and just sent a message to my doctor asking his advice on how to taper and if he will allow me just 10mg at night for now.

Many thanks again and hope you are holding up.

Angel xx

 

Hi Angel.  Be careful.  As I said in an earlier post, someone here on forum posted a thread about tapering beta blockers.  Not sure if the search function is back running. Good to check with your doctor as well, of course.  I would be careful to skip a day of beta blockers.  These are strong medications that require supervision and slow tapering, from what I've read.  Also, in the book Protein Power, the authors (who are medical doctors) write about how as one exercises and diets for a couple weeks on the Protein Power plan, how medications may need to be gradually reduced due to rapid improvements in one's blood work on the Protein Power plan, so one must speak to one's doctors about reducing medications appropriately. 

 

Take care,

 

Vertigo

[[...]]

Patty - what medicine do you take for high bllood pressure because i am having a tough time with depression and i take high bp med and beta blockers.  isinpril and amlidopine and even have atenol in there.

a science teacher i work with takes altace and said that is a good one.

 

would love some relief from this deppression

 

thanks so much.  i willl be careful getting off things

[[An...]]

My doctor is not happy.  He says if I believe the beta blockers are giving me problems then they will but he has agreed for me to take just 10mg at night.  We´ll see how it goes.

 

 

Angel

[[Le...]]

GREAT IDEA!  I am off 10 months and I did not anticipate the depression.  I wrote a post about starting over and that is the most difficult part right now.  Trying to repair all of the damage in my life caused during withdrawal.  So many of us have lost everything home, relationships, jobs, self-esteem. ect.  I tried to be Superwomen after 3 months and that was a mistake because 3 months is not the end of the withdrawal process..You enter a new phase-it's called" not-trusting-yourself-how-could-i-have-been-so-naive-and-now-I-feel-toxic-because-I-lost-everything-and dont have friends"phase.  The irony is that I feel like a drug addict that has hit rock bottom because I lost everything AFTER 6 years of benzos.  So this type of thread would really help because it's not over just different. Great idea again. Thanxs.

[[ve...]]

GREAT IDEA!  I am off 10 months and I did not anticipate the depression.  I wrote a post about starting over and that is the most difficult part right now.  Trying to repair all of the damage in my life caused during withdrawal.  So many of us have lost everything home, relationships, jobs, self-esteem. ect.  I tried to be Superwomen after 3 months and that was a mistake because 3 months is not the end of the withdrawal process..You enter a new phase-it's called" not-trusting-yourself-how-could-i-have-been-so-naive-and-now-I-feel-toxic-because-I-lost-everything-and dont have friends"phase.  The irony is that I feel like a drug addict that has hit rock bottom because I lost everything AFTER 6 years of benzos.  So this type of thread would really help because it's not over just different. Great idea again. Thanxs.

 

Welcome to the Post Benzo freedom thread, Leigh.  Yes, it's not all suddenly better at a week or a month off the benzo, in most cases.  Yes, there are losses to deal with and a life to catch up on and hopefully improve.  For me and others here, 3 months is still relatively early in the recovery phase.  I thought I was pretty much well at 6 months but found that I could not jump back to wine twice a week and just treat my body like a junk food receptacle.  I'm sorry you have lost friends too.  I lost one significant friendship but it wasn't benzos so much as my realizing that there was a lack of depth in the friendship that had gone on for some years, even before valium.  Maybe I was more sensitive to the situation in the first year off, not sure. One good thing about hitting rock bottom is that there's only one way to go from here .

 

Best wishes for the holidays,

 

Vertigo

[[mt...]]

Hi Everyone

WOW having the site disappear for a few days was very very strange.  I could not help but think of so many still tapering and how I would have been devastated to not have Vertigo and so many of my BB's each day cheering and reassuring me on in my tapering.

 

Hope everyone is well.  Glad we are back online!

Mimi

[[...]]

Well buddies, I hit my 4 month off anniversary on Friday 12/9 only to be met with the longest most terrible wave I've had since jumping - or the last few months of my taper! I'm currently on Day 5! The first 3 days I was house bound and pretty much stuck to my couch as my body felt so weak and my limbs like jello. I've never been couch bound like that throughout this entire ordeal.

 

Yesterday I pushed myself as I had a dr appt and I suffered from high anxiety and dr. This whole thing is horrible.

 

I do have another trip planned for Thursday - just a quick one with my husband. However, each and every time we have tried to travel or do something fun ie: go to the city for a concert - days ahead I start to get revved up sxs culminating in a full on panic attack and then finally drifiting away as if nothing ever happened.

 

I fear this is what is happening again.  I don't know what to do or how to stop this - I know I can't, but it's so frustrating. Today seems to be a much better day so far - just waking with very high anxiety. We'll see how this progresses - mornings are my very worst time during these episodes. Evening - around 7pm or so I feel normal.

 

It's just so sad bc last week before this started I had some of my best window days yet since jumping and then WHAM. So depressing. Then of course, when your in the thick of it you start thinking of everything bad that could happen and catastrophizing everything. Funny how you feel like you can take on the world in your windows and then when the wave comes it makes you feel so stupid for thinking you could actually try and have a normal life. I am so tired of this running my life.

 

We have a very big family vacation scheduled for the end of January - a Disney cruise and a few days in Disney. It was quite expensive and now I'm thinking we should cancel bc of what has happened 3x in the last 1.5 months with two vacations (quick easy trips) and one outing to NYC. I am so tired of apologizing to my husband for ruining the trip and of course the days leading up to it are pure hell as I get thrown about like a rag doll by all of these crazy sxs returning.

 

I only experience the high anxiety and DR, etc. in these particular situations. Otherwise, the one sxs left that I struggle with is head pressure which is completely manageable and I've grown accustomed to pushing through it, etc.

 

I was just feeling so good. Now I feel naive and stupid for thinking I could live life. I'm so tired of living with the What If's and having this thing dictate my life.

[[Dp...]]

Not doing so hot at almost 18 months, one of my worst flares ive had in probably 10 months... Im hoping things improve soon starting to get really darn sick of this..

[[km...]]

Amy,

I know exactly how you feel I have the same problems and I just wish I could get back to the person I used to be not afraid of doing or going anyplace but only time will get us there.  I'm at 15 1/2 months and still deal with the same issues but it doesn't seem as severe as it was before so I think it's reversing itself.  Just hang in there hopefully things will get better before the trip.  I know how horrible the anxiety can get I've been dealing with it for so long but know it does get better ok.

Hugs

Kristin

[[mt...]]

HI Amy

I know you have probably read this a million times but it is our sensitive CNS that just cannot take all the external stimulation.  You may feel fine at home where all is familiar but once you leave your "known" environment your brain and body must begin to process and adjust to all the new "unfamiliar" sights and sounds.  It seems so silly but to an overly challenged CNS it is the last straw.  It is only with time that our CNS begins to heal and that we begin to see some progress and are able to do more and more. Perseverance wrote a fantastic example of the enormous job our body is doing while maintaining our normal daily functions as well as attempting to heal the damage from benzos.  If I find the link to her post I will post for you to read.

 

If you do go on trips just make sure that you take time to rest, take naps and breaks from all the stimulation.  When I first stepped off I found that just talking to friends stopping by for a visit would escalate my symptoms.  Now at 10 months off I was able to spend 7 hours shopping with my grandson on sunday and felt great.  However once home I got undressed and in bed and snuggled for the rest of the night.  I make sure and baby my body to reward it for this progress!!

 

Its frustrating but at 4 months your are still a bit raw...things really improved for me at about 8 months...joy and happiness began to flood back into my being.

 

Hang in there!

Mimi

[[mt...]]

Hi Dpete,

Sorry to hear your are feeling low... What are you experiencing specifically? 

Mimi 

 

[[km...]]

Mimi

Thanks for the post to Amy I have the same problems she does and it all makes sense what you wrote.  Even at 15.5 months out my CNS is very sensitive on most days.  I have been having breaks here and there so it's improving.

Hugs

Kristin

[[mt...]]

HI Amy and Kmarie and all,

I found the post that Perseverance wrote that explained so well the task our body is undertaking when trying to heal from benzo withdrawal as well as keeping us alive!  She gave me permission to reprint here...You may want to check out her blog as she has done extensive research on benzo withdrawal.  Here is a link to her blog

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=32647.0

 

I especially enjoyed the analogy I put in bold. 

 

"Because benzos effect virtually every part of the brain and inturn other neurotransmitter systems are also thrown out of whack, there are a lot of complex processes that need to be addressed during healing-all the while we are using our bodies and functions simultaneously day to day.  Our daily living causes fluctuations in levels as we put demands on them and so restoring reserves and functions while we are using them makes things that much more difficult.  With these constant changes and demands continually going on somedays our levels will be more close to the norm than other days.  Keep in mind that 4 other neurotransmitter systems essential to proper brain and nerve function were also effected...the brain made changes in these systems for the same reasons it made changes to the GABA system...to counteract the increased inhibitory action of the excess chloride.

 

Stress uses up reserves and stress comes in many forms...worry, anxiety, exercise, illness, social pressures, etc, etc...the body has a mighty task in trying to maintain itself through it all plus the daunting task to reverse these changes on top of it.  Hence we will get periods where the body is more able to expend the necessary energies in making reversals and repairs and periods where it needs to focus its energy in other areas for survival.  The priorities on when and where to expend energy are always in perfect order...no one knows better than our own bodies which things must come first during the healing process.  It may not be in the order we would personally like, but the order in which everything unfolds is the correct order nonetheless.  All the while the body is aware of the things that need to be fixed still but it can only do so much at any given time.

 

The relief you experienced in the past were more than likely periods where all of the neurotransmitter levels involved were more in the normal range for a short period, but the body is unable to maintain these levels for extended periods because it is still not up to the task as of yet to do so.  The fact that things are still waxing and waining shows that the body is still fighting but struggling to restore a proper balance.  This causes the neurons to continue to fire erratically and sx's to persist until everything comes up to snuff.

 

The sx's you have mentioned are classic sx's of neuronal misfirings.  The brain sends and receives messages from many neuronal networks...one of which are the cranial nerves.  I suspect that you are experiencing sx's of improper signaling along several cranial nerves.  I am guessing you are having trouble with are the 5th nerve (Trigeminal), the 7th (Facial), the 9th (Glossopharyngeal), and the 10th (Vagus) cranial nerve conductions.  The Trigeminal nerve controls sensations in the mouth; the Facial and Glossopharyngeal control the taste sensations of the tongue; and the Vagus nerve controls sensations in the throat and wind pipe, muscles of the throat/wind pipe, and organs of the chest and abdomen.  The misfiring in the Peripheral Nervous System (PNS) is what is more than likely causing the sensations in your skin.

 

The Hypothalamus takes a heavy hit from benzo usage and is directly involved with the Vagus nerve.  I too get the tightening and choking sensation as a result.  However, all of the parts of the CNS are so intimately involved with eachother, in the state of BW it does not take much to set off a sort of chain reaction after one area is stimulated.  Since the chloride channels and other neurotransmitter systems, which in their own right have calming and stimulatory effects, are not yet back to normal any stimulus which excites the CNS has none of the bodies natural capabilities in full operation as of yet to calm it down.  So one trigger can set off a whole host of sx's, depending on which areas were most effected in your personal body make up.

 

This also is happening while the body is struggling at making the repairs...so the process when you think about it has many obstacles to continually address and overcome while it is attempting repairs...kind of like street workers trying to repair a road while cars are still driving over it.  The work is slow and sometimes the workers will have to back track because of wear the cars are making as they work to repair the road.  Sometimes the workers are able to make headway, sometimes it seems like they have to take a few steps backward...but eventually they get the road fixed.

 

So no, I do not think you are going to be like this forever.  Trying to keep your stress as low as possible in all the ways I mentioned above can help ease the burden on the workers so they can advance forward and reduce the backtracking on repairs to the road.  Eating a healthy balanced diet provides the workers with the materials they need to make the repairs.  But keep in mind, even though the workers will at times feel like their work is not gaining any headway, the road indeed does eventually get fixed and in the end the cars can travel along smoothly back and forth once again....just as your nerve signals will once the CNS is finished with repairs."

 

Hope this is helpful to you.  Maybe reading this on rough days will be a reminder of the huge task our body has to do to get that road fixed and all of us back home once again!

 

Take good care of yourselves!

Mimi

[[Ma...]]

Hi everyone.

I feel the same as Amy. Everything in outside world seams to rev up my symptoms. I am so agoraphobic. Making some phone calls bring panic attacks. Watching some anticipatory situations on TV (and nothing scary) makes me feel panicky, I got panic for someone else. Everything is so scary in outside world. I start going on some familiar places where I felt confident and secure always before, but now even there I have a lot of panic attacks and feel uncomfortable (like at my families homes).

I know that is early for me but I can't live like house bound till the rest of my life. 'What if' killing me. I am so scared that I will never live a normal life. I can't tolerate this panic attacks cause they are so different then before. They are so scar and intense. They not vanish in few minutes, last for hours sometimes.

Take care

 

Marry

[[Ma...]]

Thank you Mimi

[[...]]

Thank you for posting that Mimi.

 

I consider myself lucky that at 4 months out I am typically running at 70-80% most days of the week - 3 or 4 out of 7 days the last month.

 

Well, I am now in the midst of a horric wave, the longer it goes on the more scared I become. I haven't had anything like this, lasting this long, since the early days when I was trying to stabilize.

 

Even the trips/things I've done before caused a few days of sxs, but not complete days or more than 1-1.5 days in a row.

 

I don't know what is going on. I am starting to freak out. I can't handle this all over again. I did this part already. I don't want to do it again.

 

I thought when the waves came they were supposed to get less and less in intensity until finally they just stopped trying all together.

 

Well, that is most definitely not what is going on. I'm on Day 6. Each day I keep waking up hoping I will feel normal again and its just not happening. I'm having a lot of trouble holding it together right now. I'm very much on the edge of having more than I can handle to deal with.

 

I'm not even getting reprieves during the day now. For the first three days I would get a few times during the day I would feel a bit better and then by 7pm would feel normal again. Well, the last 3 days, I've gotten no repreive, just constants sxs and some additional ones coming on in the late afternoon/evening. I feel like I"m going crazy all over again.

 

I just wish I could make this stop.

[[mt...]]

HI Amy

So sorry you are suffering.  Could some of this be due to a shift in hormones?  During ovulation and  a period progesterone levels drop dramatically and can bring on severe symptoms for some women.  It may also be the anticipation over the trip is causing more stress...again any stress is like pouring gasoline on a fire.  Somehow you must find a way to calm yourself.  A hot bath, warm tea, a black and white movie on low volume.  When I could not follow a movie I would make myself look at the images and day "oh she is wearing a hat" or "look at the cars"...making myself think mundane thoughts would stop the obsessive catastrophic thinking...even for a short time it made me feel better that I had a tiny sliver of control over the symptoms.

 

You have come far and always overcome your symptoms.  THIS WILL PASS.  Its a big bump in the road to recovery...hold tight and focus forward.

 

Moving forward it may be a good idea to not make any plans that can't be changed easily to remove the added "performance stress" that can have a spiraling effect.  We all want our lives back to where they were but BULLYING OUR BODIES will never work.  There is healing to be done and it will not be pushed aside...be kind and gentle to yourself.

 

All my best to you

Mimi

 

[[...]]

Hi Amy - i completely relate to what you are experiencing.  i have been making progress and doing better.  i am now in my 6th month off and am having thr roughest 12 days i can remember.  it has been horrendous.  i barely make it thru each day.  i am so weak and depressed and very sickish, and the dr/dp.

it is odd as i had a 5 day 100% great window the week before this began.

i am holding onto the idea that this is the slam right before i get well;  people have spoken of that on here.

this is so not a linear process

i am so so thankful for this site because people on here have taught me repeatedly to expec the unexpcected.

we can keep going; one day at a time.  i am so sorry for your pain tho - i feel it.  my poor students today; i was like a zombie; thank goodness i had no incidents or really struggling teens as i had nothing...

 

thanks for being there.  missed this site these past few days

[[ji...]]

Hi Amy,

 

Oh the four month wave! Mine hit right after I turned 3 months (so the start of month 4) and it lasted a little over a month before I had another window. It was really really bad. I completely stopped sleeping and had the bad anxiety, high startle response, muscle jerks, extreme dry eyes, and many more things. It did let up though and I just had another great window. I haven't slept well the last few nights so I'm probably in a bit of a wave but it's no where near as intense as what I've experienced. This may be the big slam before the window that never closes...you just never know. Hang tough!

 

Jittery

[[An...]]

Hi everyone

 

Hope you are doing okay.

 

The colonoscopy went fine Vertigo - the anaesthetist did not give me the pre-med to relax which is a benzo - just the propofol for the short procedure and when it wore off there were no after effects.

 

Update on me ... am feeling great and normal .... had a horrible anxiety and depression fuelled wave then woke up fine .....no symptoms ....  I don't know if I am healed or not, too early to tell.  It would be the best Christmas present ever but I will keep you informed.

 

Happy Healing all

and have a wonderful Christmas and New Year!

 

Angel xx