Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[Me...]]

Any more post benzo buddies out there?

 

V

 

Hey dude... Almost there... wanting to know what to expect?  Just took 0.15 mg tonight and thinking another week or so before my last dose.  I tried jumping at 0.30 mg but reinstated 60 hours later due to symptoms creeping back in.  I guess i am not supposed to talk taper plans but if I do jump at 0.15 mg, will I be ok?

 

Hi Memories.  You're getting close.  I think it is ok to ask taper questions at this juncture.  Your signature is unclear as to how much you reinstated and what your last taper looked like.  How much did you taper off in the last six months? And how much have you taken off in the last month, and month before that?  It's often hard to predict what to expect other than one can't predict with certainty, everyone is unique.  It will take a few weeks for the valium to process out.  You may be feeling symptoms now from cuts you made two and three weeks ago.  If you need to hold here a while, that is ok too, although 0.15 is not much, non therapeutic might be the term some use.  You've made it so let the healing begin .

 

Vertigo

 

I reinstated at 0.25! Held for three days then restarted my taper at 0.025 mg a day until today and then I took took only a 0.01 mg cut today to be at 0.14 mg today.  Three weeks ago I was at 0.50 mg.  Is that fast? There has to be some way to get off this stuff, right, can't be cutting 2% a day forever?  The drops I take are not the least bit therapuetic but if I stop, the sypmtoms are definately there!

 

I cut to 9 mg mid-March and started the daily taper of 2.5% per day... It was a fast taper and then held at 5 mg for all of May (not related to WD symptoms.)  June and July I worked down from 5 mg to 2 mg with a few holds along the way.  August and September from 2 mg to 0.25 mg with a few more holds.

 

This last week so far, I have been working from 0.25 mg and I took 0.14 mg today. 

 

My symptoms are pretty much the same but the really bad one are settled... I have an inability to relax, not great sleep, but better now and still feeling compulsive and agitated.  I am debating whether I should start skipping a day in between doses or just keep tapering each day.  I was able to go a week on alternate doses and then tried jumping but after 60 hours I reinstated.

 

I took a few moments and reviewed my progress against the recommended pace of 1 mg every 2 weeks until 5 mg and then 0.5 mg every two weeks.  I ploted it against my daily taper and remarkably (post game analysis!) I tapered essentially at that same rate up until I hit 0.50 mg (averaging 7% every 2 weeks.)  The last month or so, I am still tapering but there seems little to recommend any further tapering past 0.50 mg except on this forum.

 

Is this the easy part?  I see very few posts from people who are tapering at the same rate as me...  Perhaps they jumped and then never posted again?  I only read people who are cutting SOOO slow, like 0.01 mg a day then holding and seem to be tapering infinately.  I want to optimise the end of the taper as much as the front end of the taper.  Kind of selfish reasons, since I am not exactly struggling but have an intense desire to be done as quick as possible with the minimum of suffering!

 

Anyone out there with a good game plan for my jump?  Is there any tricks?  Unschedule my week and stay at home OR get busy and take it day-by-day tapering slower! 

 

Is there a time period where people typically reinstate/suffer after the last dose?

 

Your current taper does not appear unreasonable to me, Memories,  although the reduction from 5 to 2mg over two months back in the summer may have been a little on the rapid side.  Holding there sounds like it was a good choice .  Some folks have since found (after Ashton) that the 10% rates or .50 cuts every 1-2 weeks can at times be a little much, particularly as one gets below 5mg.  I also held at 2mg for about a month.  I was cutting a little more slowly than you  from 5-2mg (.25mg every 10 days or so), but I was probably sensitive to the valium.  I think I read in your signature that you were at 17mg valium in January so you have done very well in the last 9-10 months.  Some are able to go more quickly without too many side effects.

 

I had similar symptoms (agitation, sleeplessness, some GI disturbance, come visual tracking stuff, cog fog...).  As I posted before, it can take 3-4 weeks for valium to process out.  If you feel better holding here for another week or so, that's not unreasonable. Or if you just want to be done, what you are currently on is not likely therapeutic, as you wrote.  If I recall, I think I still took about a week or two to reduce the final .15 milligram anyway.  It's up to you.  You've come this far, probably wouldn't hurt to continue on down slowly.  Others may weigh in if you like. 

 

As far as doing anything differently, it can be helpful to try and avoid too many stimulating events such as concerts or loud noisy places.  I had no choice but to drive but I did avoid long trips that weren't necessary.    I tried to stay away from some difficult family members but wasn't always possible .  Some of it is time dependent, with Thanksgiving coming up .  Some have suggested keeping the movie rentals to calm subjects and avoid action or violent films.  If you have some blood pressure fluctuations, perhaps your doctor has some suggestions about how to manage that.  Ibuprofin can also raise BP so be aware of that.  Get lots of rest, eat healthy and enjoy the rest of your life. All in all, it sounds like you are just about benzo free .

 

Vertigo

 

I had to make a lot of adaptations to cope with the withdrawal including being off work, hiring home care, not driving, not traveling except for medical reasons, not communicating with my immediate family and the like. I was already off alcohol and I cut out the caffiene.  I was already off the media and movies due to my PSTD symptoms prebenzo so I don't think I will take that up again.

 

I had a nap today after some mindfulness breathing... I gave my son a movie and headphones!  It was GREAT!  I hope to catch up on some sleep tonight.  I have these neighbours who like to ham it up and party all hours of the day and night so I feel like I never get a rest lately, but they were gone today so I got a little respite.  I am edgy because I don't like my son seeing this kind of behaviours especially from adults!  They are evicted but I will be finished my taper before they are out, I beleive.. but I am calling the cops every day it seems!

[[os...]]

Edit:

 

In order not to upset thread sensitive members i have edited this post out.

 

Oscar

[[Ne...]]

Good evening Vertigo.  I was just about to complain that your POST BENZO FREEDOM support group seems to be sidetracked by someone still tapering...mainly because this essential thread is but one of two groups available to those of us who actually got rid of the benzos.....

 

But then I read the previous posting and decided to shut up about my petty reaction...

 

It will be interesting to see who reacts to what here...blessings, NL

 

 

[[Me...]]

Good evening Vertigo.  I was just about to complain that your POST BENZO FREEDOM support group seems to be sidetracked by someone still tapering...mainly because this essential thread is but one of two groups available to those of us who actually got rid of the benzos.....

 

But then I read the previous posting and decided to shut up about my petty reaction...

 

It will be interesting to see who reacts to what here...blessings, NL

 

I believe I am very close to the end and when I am benzo free in a week or so this will be Moot!  I started the taper over a year ago and I have 0.8% to go... I am looking to bridge the gap from the last few doses to nothing.  I made it 60 hours free, the next jump I want to be forever.

 

This is a group of people with the experience.  I am taking the lowest dose on the other thread, the blind leading the blind as they say!  You have a lot of lurkers... probably people like me! Maybe the lurkers are so high because of the first post excluding those who are tapering.  They lurk, wondering how to get "in" with the Post Benzo Group!?

 

I don't think I am hijacking the thread as I have looked for jump support but people are either tapering or are healing. The day you jumped was a single day and maintaining a thread for us jumpers is likely impractical, unless you know of one?

 

Being less than a week away from jumping, I wanted to put it out there to get some feed back from those who remember the experience and any "in retrospect,..." that you may have had and I appreciate learning from anyone who is healing.

 

My acute withdrawal symptoms have gone away (debiltating nerve and muslce pain, dysphagia, palipitations, and daily panic attacks) and I had a window like no other last week... a window of absolute peace and calm.  It was unnerving!  I have mild symptoms which may be more in line of post withdrawal symptoms... not horrible but would like them to go away too.

 

I am terrified, actually.  Once I am benzofree what do I do if I can't handle the symptoms?  Just wondering... am I doing the right thing?  I tapered as fast as I could tolerate and wonder how long should I expect to linger in benzo purgatory?

[[mt...]]

Hi Oscar

Vertigo will of course answer but I just wanted to say that in all fairness this thread Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Group is for those of us that are on the other side and want to explore other ways to "navigate" life using "healthier" perspectives and practices.  I know its hard for those so tender and struggling still tapering to hear any negativity.  In w/d everything is viewed through a lens that makes it greatly exaggerated and painful.  Especially when it is from those of us on "the other side". 

 

Please keep in mind that although the taper is over for us and for some of us-symptoms can be completely gone, I have found that there can be an almost PTSD effect that can linger.  Benzo warriors become "old soldiers" bound together by overcoming the most horrendous experience that many of us have had to endure and overcome.  An experience that many of us could never have even imagined and will not ever forget.  We come to the forum to see how others are relating to life post taper- post trauma.  Personally I find myself with old friends and family and can feel myself a bit set apart.  How can I even begin to share with them the fear I have felt and the inner strength I HAD to develop to fight my way back "home"?  I am SO HAPPY to be back "home" however I have come to realize that in many ways I am changed-I am not the person I was a few years ago. I feel like I have stood at the edge of the world and looked into the depths of hell.  While I am thrilled to be well, I am still sad at what I had to endure and unsure how I navigate my way through life with some fundamental changes to my perceptions, attitude and general outlook of life. 

 

We try and reach out to those of you still on the path and offer our insights with what worked for us along the way.  Hundreds of threads on this forum are dedicated to those of you tapering.  Please give us our small "corner" of the world where we can share-freely.

 

I am sorry you find Vertigo's comments negative.  For me it is refreshing to hear his "realistic" account of life on the other side as well as his ongoing encouragements and suggestions on how to move forward.  I am a bit protective of him as he was a true buddie to me.  We tapered completely differently and he never questioned or challenged what I was doing.  He crossed the finish line a year before me and I was so fearful he would leave the forum and me behind.  But he stayed for me and others and I know it meant the world to me at times.  I will always be deeply appreciative for his support.  Sometimes I wonder if some of my last thoughts in life will be ones of gratitide for Mr V's unfledging support and kindness to an unknown stranger who was so lost in the most painful frightening days of her life.  Each of us has our special Benzobuddie and Vertigo was mine.   

 

You are also a very special BB to me and I think of you so often with blessings for a speedy recovery.  I hope you can let us have this thread as a safe space for the old Benzo Warriors to share our ongoing struggle with life and its challenges in all its glory and guts!

 

Peace out

Mimi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[mt...]]

Hi Memories,

I can't put into words the fear I felt when I took my last dose.  I tapered down to .005mg.  At that point I knew I had tapered down to the smallest drop possible and therefore whatever was going to happen was going to happen.  I had done ALL and EVERYTHING I could to step off at the lowest dose.  I cried and cried for 2 days as I was SO SCARED it was going to be bad and I would not have any benzo on board to help me out.  But you know what I never felt much different....just kinda funky like I always did and then at about 10 days off I woke up and felt...better.  Just a tiny bit but definitely a sliver better.  And each day after I felt better and better.  Very sensitive to stimulation, short tempered and very tired but no real anxiety or insomnia.

 

I sat in the sun each day, sipped tea and focused all my thoughts on healing and being thankful.  I found that my life was so wrapped around my taper that I had to force myself to do new (well old but now new) things each day.  I feel very soft and vulnerable but OK.

 

If you are at .8 you can take .005mg off each day and step off in 16 days or cut .01mg for 8 days.  And then kiss your syringe and valium bye bye.  You have done all you can...

 

Time to fly...

 

Good Job!!

Mimi

[[Ne...]]

Mtmimi: "We try and reach out to those of you still on the path and offer our insights with what worked for us along the way.  Hundreds of threads on this forum are dedicated to those of you tapering.  Please give us our small "corner" of the world where we can share-freely."

 

Certainly better said than my inappropriate "territorial" remark, uttered while in a particularly dark moment.  Please forgive that "knee-jerk" reaction.  NL 

 

 

 

 

[[ve...]]

Hi Oscar

Vertigo will of course answer but I just wanted to say that in all fairness this thread Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Group is for those of us that are on the other side and want to explore other ways to "navigate" life using "healthier" perspectives and practices.  I know its hard for those so tender and struggling still tapering to hear any negativity.  In w/d everything is viewed through a lens that makes it greatly exaggerated and painful.  Especially when it is from those of us on "the other side". 

 

Please keep in mind that although the taper is over for us and for some of us-symptoms can be completely gone, I have found that there can be an almost PTSD effect that can linger.  Benzo warriors become "old soldiers" bound together by overcoming the most horrendous experience that many of us have had to endure and overcome.  An experience that many of us could never have even imagined and will not ever forget.  We come to the forum to see how others are relating to life post taper- post trauma.  Personally I find myself with old friends and family and can feel myself a bit set apart.  How can I even begin to share with them the fear I have felt and the inner strength I HAD to develop to fight my way back "home"?  I am SO HAPPY to be back "home" however I have come to realize that in many ways I am changed-I am not the person I was a few years ago. I feel like I have stood at the edge of the world and looked into the depths of hell.  While I am thrilled to be well, I am still sad at what I had to endure and unsure how I navigate my way through life with some fundamental changes to my perceptions, attitude and general outlook of life. 

 

We try and reach out to those of you still on the path and offer our insights with what worked for us along the way.  Hundreds of threads on this forum are dedicated to those of you tapering.  Please give us our small "corner" of the world where we can share-freely.

 

I am sorry you find Vertigo's comments negative.  For me it is refreshing to hear his "realistic" account of life on the other side as well as his ongoing encouragements and suggestions on how to move forward.  I am a bit protective of him as he was a true buddie to me.  We tapered completely differently and he never questioned or challenged what I was doing.  He crossed the finish line a year before me and I was so fearful he would leave the forum and me behind.  But he stayed for me and others and I know it meant the world to me at times.  I will always be deeply appreciative for his support.  Sometimes I wonder if some of my last thoughts in life will be ones of gratitide for Mr V's unfledging support and kindness to an unknown stranger who was so lost in the most painful frightening days of her life.  Each of us has our special Benzobuddie and Vertigo was mine.   

 

You are also a very special BB to me and I think of you so often with blessings for a speedy recovery.  I hope you can let us have this thread as a safe space for the old Benzo Warriors to share our ongoing struggle with life and its challenges in all its glory and guts!

 

Peace out

Mimi

 

 

Thank you Mimi for your kind words.  I must admit there have been some special buddies in my heart  like you, Rumi, Ibmom, Legos, Ourania, Leena, Pangelingua, Angel958, rebecca, Bevoir, Kristen, Travuz, TC, Bryan68 and others... that I stayed around forum a little longer to try and support and pay it forward some.  Sometimes in the past year, I would bump up this post benzo thread so newer buddies, like New Life and Memories, would have the opportunity to possibly  benefit in some way from the several thousand posts and perhaps over 50 buddies who have shared something about their experiences in the last couple years.  It seems that overnight, this thread hit over 100,000 views, which seems like no small number (which I'll come back to in a minute).

 

Having used two very different methods of tapering, it's almost like you and I were from two different political parties, Mimi , yet we could share with eachother the best of both methods, learn different things from eachother (not always taper related ) and come together to help others on forum in our own ways.  That was back in the day that my "under 4mg and chipping away" blog was still open.  Now I'm beginning to feel ancient .  It was a time of civility back then and bipartisanship .  Of course, one can not appeal to everyone like a famous president once said.  "But you can please some of the people some of the time".  Not everyone will agree, but one can agree to disagree.  I understand that while tapering, tempers can be short and I do forgive others who have lashed out at me on occasion in a "benzo rage" moment. . Hey,  I had a few of those while tapering too and even today am not immune to not being as patient as I'd like to be on occasion .

 

It seems like there has been so much divisiveness in the United States as we approach this next election.  I see a parallel with some of the drama on some threads in recent weeks and months (recognizing of course that not all buddies on forum are from the United States and maybe there are some cultural differences and different ways of communicating that can cause misunderstandings sometimes).  People sometimes get entrenched in their own view and don't make much effort to see that there might be two sides to a discussion. I make mistakes too, one of which was to start a thread a couple weeks ago that was perhaps not titled elegantly, so at the request of other buddies and a suggestion by a moderator, I changed the title of that thread.  I sometimes forget that perhaps more buddies around forum are still tapering (like the buddy who posted and deleted whatever remarks he made this morning on this thread), so when I started that particualar thread which was intended for a post benzo audience, I may not have been as clear as I could have,  about who the audience was intended for (post benzo).  Nobody owns a thread and of course anybody can post what they want, but as you eloquently put it earlier, New Life, there are not many threads around that are more or less designated for mostly a post benzo audience.  There are two threads I am aware of that focus on "protracted withdrawal", in addition to one post benzo thread here in withdrawal support  that designates a time frame of 6-12 months off, another that I recall that was a 12-18 month thread. 

 

That being said, I think in the opening post of this post benzo thread two years ago, I mentioned that some buddies who are still tapering may find some of this thread useful (particularly the ones who are close to the end of their taper) and are welcome to post (so you're not hijacking Memories ).  I think Mimi responded eloquently to your concerns about stepping off of your last dose, so I'll leave it there, other than to say that I look forward to hearing any further concerns as you finish your taper and join the "post benzo" ranks .

 

I suggested a while back to the BB team that it might be beneficial to have a separate post benzo section on forum, much like the cold turkey section was designated earlier this year, but they did not feel it would be best at the time to have a separate post benzo section.  There was some concern that perhaps too many post benzo buddies would congregate in a post benzo section and not circulate as much around other areas of forum to help those tapering, which may have been a valid point.  Yet I can't help but think that some confusion and misunderstanding could be avoided among buddies who are tapering, if a post benzo section were set up for post benzo buddies on forum. 

 

I said I would come back to the comment I made earlier in this post about 100,000 views of this thread.  About six months ago or so, a buddy mentioned to me that this thread had something like 75,000 views and that it was one of the most viewed threads on forum.  I responded that it seemed like a lot of people must be lurking but not posting.  He jokingly suggested that I stay until 1,000,000 views were reached .  I half seriously answered that I might stay until 100,000.  I had already decided to take some time away from forum this past summer to spend with my family (June and July) but I found myself posting more in August and September as it became apparent that the 100,000 views was becoming a legitemate target (a little bit of OCD still left in me I guess ).  Kidding aside, perhaps this is a good stopping point for me.  Others can of course take the torch if they want to keep this thread going or it can fade out if nobody finds it useful to keep it up.  I will make a final post to this thread next month, which will be my 3 year anniversary of the end of my taper and definitely my end date here on forum.  I may be around some the rest of the month, but this truly is going to be my sign off on November 11th.  Thank you for all you have done here on forum Mtmimi and thank you again for your kind words .  I am truly touched by your expression of gratitude for the support I was able to share during your taper.  I know many others have begun to feel the same way about you as you have so generously shared your time, energy, wisdom and love on this forum.  Also, many thanks to the rest of all the post benzo buddies who have posted on this thread to help other post benzo buddies along the way.

 

 

Vertigo

 

 

[[gi...]]

this truly is going to be my sign off on November 11th.

 

:2funny:

[[Ne...]]

Good morning, Vertigo,  I fully understand why you have come to this crossroad; that it is time to move on with your own Post Benzo life.  Just by virtue of the numbers you can see how essential your PBFW  Support Group has been..and continues to assist those of us who, though no longer entrapped by those miserable little pills, are floundering in the aftermath; a syndrome so misunderstood and in need of further research. 

 

Others, including me, have also suggested it would be beneficial to create a separate Post Benzo Subject on the forum but the consensus was/is? negative for the same reason as you mention this morning. 

 

I am sure there will be many repercussions to your decision. Blessings, New Life

 

 

[[Ne...]]

PS.  "...in the opening post of this post benzo thread two years ago, I mentioned that some buddies who are still tapering may find some of this thread useful (particularly the ones who are close to the end of their taper) and are welcome to post..."

 

I did miss that..so again, I apologise for my earlier remark..NL

 

[[ve...]]

Good morning, Vertigo,  I fully understand why you have come to this crossroad; that it is time to move on with your own Post Benzo life.  Just by virtue of the numbers you can see how essential your PBFW  Support Group has been..and continues to assist those of us who, though no longer entrapped by those miserable little pills, are floundering in the aftermath; a syndrome so misunderstood and in need of further research. 

 

Others, including me, have also suggested it would be beneficial to create a separate Post Benzo Subject on the forum but the consensus was/is? negative for the same reason as you mention this morning. 

 

I am sure there will be many repercussions to your decision. Blessings, New Life

 

Many thanks New Life.  I am glad that this thread has provided some refuge for you as well, as you navigate your own post benzo journey.  I think Mtmimi stated it well when she wrote about how in some ways, those of us who have made it off the benzo and are moving forward with our lives (allbeit gradually in some cases or areas) not only wish to help others but in turn have some desire to bond with others who have also made it off.  We might be curious, as Mtmimi said, about how others are doing even after a majority of healing has taken place.  There may be some truth in that some of us may have endured what may feel traumatic in some ways, particularly if one did not have supportive family around.  Having a place to vent long after our spouses, significant others, family members or friends want to hear the word "benzo" can be helpful.  My own journey was not an easy one given the life stress going on in recent years with a parent who has cancer.  I feel fortunate to have come to this point, the end of my benzo journey.  It was only a few months ago that I could truly declare 100% healing.  What is strange is that I was feeling as much as 80% well within about six months post taper and 90% by 18 months, but I guess the combination of life stress and that final 10-15% were a little more challenging, took some time to get through the final hurdles as my CNS healed.  I agree that so much is still not understood about benzo withdrawal and maybe more so, about recovery. 

 

All my best,

 

Vertigo

[[os...]]

This is obviously a much needed thread, i never suggested otherwise, i am sure many of us who are yet to become benzo free will look to this thread before and after the last dose.

 

As Mimi mentioned, maybe there is a form of aftermath from this for many, yet at what point does it become more a post traumatic issue rather than an actual benzo issue?

 

The support before and after taper here is essential for many and thank God there is that here, yet i do often feel that with anyone with pre-existing anxiety, maybe to remain on benzobuddies for a very long time actually may hinder recovery, in as much as benzo illness impacts the nervous system and the best way to cure ones nerves is to engage in less stressful environments.

 

In all trauma in life, be it a bereavement of other traumatic experience, at some point the mind can only truly heal when we make the decision to actually move on with life itself, maybe it is never possible to completely erase the trauma but i feel the more time spent focusing on the thing that caused the trauma may actually prolong the anxiety.

 

I am not writing this about you Vertigo, i am talking of anyone that may find it hard to find peace in the wake of benzo illness as even if one is healed, does the trauma really go and is remaining focused on the post benzo period for too long potentially creating a post trauma of sorts?

 

I am just musing this as one day i hope to be post benzo and i am aware that the healing itself can take a very long time, yet like i say, is there a time when it may be more beneficial to the ex user to make the transition to a life away from the forum? After all, we are all in this to heal and ultimately recover and hopefully that leads on to having the ability to live afterwards and surely at some point the only way to truly achieve full recovery is to move on in life?

 

Maybe a thread about post trauma that is separate from the post benzo withdrawal thread may be a good idea, a thread where withdrawal really is not so much an issue anymore but where maybe there is some residual stress that may have come as a result of withdrawal previously? A thread where stress and anxiety are not so much benzo related but where maybe we may be left with some weaker responses to life´s ongoing anxieties... that way, maybe those that are tapering or recently benzo free may then be able to distinguish the difference between post benzo issues and post trauma issues from the initial post benzo period... a third stage if you will.

 

Just a thought... although personally, i like to think that most that have healed move on and heal from the aftermath of this too... i sure hope that to be the case for anyone that has been through this, i hope that benzo´s can truly be a thing of the past one day but i honestly think the only way i would ever achieve that would be to move on when the time comes... yet if one does have post trauma from this then maybe that is one final hurdle that many find hard to over come? Is it possible that every little stress and strain in life can be blamed on withdrawal years after or is it simply life being life?

 

At what point can we truly drop the word benzo?

 

Maybe a thread titled "Life after healing" or something similar may actually be beneficial to those that feel they are over benzo´s but have some residual life problems where withdrawal and benzo´s may not really be the problem, or if there is residual post trauma past the healing stage, maybe this would be a topic that would warrant a new thread entirely? It could be a resource of all kinds to help others exchange ideas, book titles, health and relaxation tips and also a place to vent when life still poses challenges... an ongoing support for members that largely feel benzo´s are no longer an issue... maybe such a long illness warrants an after healing thread... after all, life goes on and maybe not entirely without problems, maybe something like this could be a good idea.

 

Just a thought.

 

 

[[ve...]]

this truly is going to be my sign off on November 11th.

 

:2funny:

 

Hey G.  I know, it's not the first time I've cried wolf, but in the words of Michael Jackson, "this is it" (November 11th)  .

 

V

[[Me...]]

Nov 11th.. Rememberance day in Canada... a nice touch!

[[Me...]]

I am certain that once I return to work, I won't have time for internet, period. Until then I hope to continue to share hope because I have had steady improvement over the last year and can imagine (after the jump hump) that I will continue to improve and thus pay back for as long as I can.

 

However, with any support group I have attended, there is a point where the effectiveness is gone and it actually makes it worse, because you are reminded of things that would be nice to let go.

 

I am finding that with a child parent group that I just started last week to help my son adapt to change. Some of the parents have recent trauma that is difficult to handle during this phase of my recovery.  It is a lot to take in and I cried unexpectedly last week at the group even though I have nothing going on for me in terms of life changes.  I feel that I should attend for my son's sake, but I definately would not go for myself as it won't be helpful to be immersed in trauma stories at this stage of my life where I am mostly healed and satified with my own stuff.

 

As much as I like to pay back, I also have to protect myself as well by saying good bye when it is appropriate.  I also admit that that I want to improve my writing skills and write a memior one day so this is a nice venue to write daily... hope you all don't mind?

 

Funny to write about the end when I haven't even begun my post benzo journey!  Give me a week.. I think Tuesday will be my last dose!

[[mt...]]

Hi Oscar

A long time ago in a far away land I was once married to a pilot who flew helicopters in Vietnam.  Do you know that these guys STILL have conventions where they meet and catch up with one another.  Many of them did not even know or deploy with one another.  But year after year they gather and share and find support in a brotherhood.

 

Of course I am not suggesting that we have experienced the same level of trauma that many soldiers may in war.  But I do find that my own experience in tapering benzos was something that I could NEVER have understood unless I went through it myself.  I often think if someone I knew and was sharing the struggle of tapering I would have said "Oh just juice some wheatgrass and get some exercise."  There is NO WAY I could have known what anyone experiences in the ordeal.  In that regard I am thankful as this experience has made me a more aware and conscious person.  I will never again assume that my perspective is the right one and all someone has to do is what I do to feel better.

 

What I find comforting and inspirational about the forum is that HERE people KNOW what I experienced.  They KNOW first hand how I struggled.  My loved ones can hold my hand, bring me tea and shoulder the responsibilities BUT THEY WILL NEVER KNOW THE TERROR.  Here people KNOW.  I like to think of this connection as a Benzo brotherhood.    There are many definitions but here is the one I like best

 

Brotherhood

 

The epitome of good will and faith. As humans we are not defined by our faults or sins, but by the capacity for love that we have for one another. When one is within the Brotherhood, one abides by the law of the word. We all raise our fist when we hear the call. We are all equalized under this truth, and the supremacy of the call's benediction binds us.

 

The word is our case it to be benzofree!  We will fight and have each others backs and NOT DEFINE one another.  It is about love and respect, good will and faith.

 

Some will come some will go some will stay some will post some will not some will CT some will take years and years to taper....who cares...they are many ways to get back to heaven.

 

We need to stop fighting and judging one another. 

 

Peace to all

Mimi

 

 

[[mt...]]

Yo Oscar

One more insight.  Do you know why Bob Dylan is STILL traveling and playing gigs all over the world?  He is 71 and a gazillionaire.  When asked he replies that its because a long long time ago he made a pact with the devil.  I know when I was in my moments of benzo-hell I made a pact with the devil that is I made if off I would do ANYTHING I could to help others walking OUT of the path to hell.  I would be there to lend a hand to those on the way that need it.

 

I really DON'T LIKE the forum.  I only come back to check in to PM's or replies to my posts.  I never look at other threads unless asked.

But I feel like I made a DEAL.  And I am honoring it.

 

It could be that Vertigo and others are acting in the same manner....paying it forward. 

 

And when you are DONE and ALL HEALED maybe you will feel the need to return not out of NEED but out of a sense of honor and care. And maybe not.  Either way is completely FINE.  We are all called in one way or another.  We just need to listen.

 

Love to you!

Mimi

 

 

[[ve...]]

Nov 11th.. Rememberance day in Canada... a nice touch!

 

Hey Memories.

 

Maybe I'm part honorary Canadian being that my step off of valium was November 11th, a day I will not forget, or as our president Roosevelt once said about Pearl Harbor, "a day that will live in infamy".  Ok, maybe that's a little melodramatic .  By the way, we were in Canada the last two summers and love it!

 

Cheers,

 

V

[[gi...]]

 

I am terrified, actually.  Once I am benzofree what do I do if I can't handle the symptoms?  Just wondering... am I doing the right thing?  I tapered as fast as I could tolerate and wonder how long should I expect to linger in benzo purgatory?

 

It's perfectly natural to be terrified. Your CNS has been relying on artificial means to cope for a very long time. Now that time is ending, and your receptors, which have basically atrophied due to lack of use, are now coming back alive.  Like learning to walk again after being in a coma, so your brain will be learning to respond to stimuli - positive, negative, stress, temperature, colors, you name it - again.

 

Practice deep breathing, eat right, practice meditation, tai chi/chi gong,get active - be it in your garden, cleaning closets, joining clubs, taking a class, starting a hobby - do whatever you can, when you can. But most of all, don't be hard on yourself.  There's no allotted time for "benzo purgatory" (good phrase!).  Take care of you.

 

And keep posting!!

 

ginger

[[ve...]]

Yo Oscar

One more insight.  Do you know why Bob Dylan is STILL traveling and playing gigs all over the world?   He is 71 and a gazillionaire.  When asked he replies that its because a long long time ago he made a pact with the devil.  I know when I was in my moments of benzo-hell I made a pact with the devil that is I made if off I would do ANYTHING I could to help others walking OUT of the path to hell.  I would be there to lend a hand to those on the way that need it.

 

I really DON'T LIKE the forum.  I only come back to check in to PM's or replies to my posts.  I never look at other threads unless asked.

But I feel like I made a DEAL.  And I am honoring it.

 

It could be that Vertigo and others are acting in the same manner....paying it forward. 

 

And when you are DONE and ALL HEALED maybe you will feel the need to return not out of NEED but out of a sense of honor and care. And maybe not.  Either way is completely FINE.  We are all called in one way or another.  We just need to listen.

 

Love to you!

Mimi

 

To all our buddies, tapering and post benzo, some words from Dylan below-

 

JAMES/DYLAN, BOB

 

May God bless and keep you always

May your wishes all come true

May you always do for others

And let others do for you

May you build a ladder to the stars

And climb on every rung

May you stay forever young

Forever young, forever young

May you stay forever young.

 

May you grow up to be righteous

May you grow up to be true

May you always know the truth

And see the lights surrounding you

May you always be courageous

Stand upright and be strong

May you stay forever young

Forever young, forever young

May you stay forever young.

 

May your hands always be busy

May your feet always be swift

May you have a strong foundation

When the winds of changes shift

May your heart always be joyful

And may your song always be sung

May you stay forever young

Forever young, forever young

May you stay forever young.

 

Here's an interesting rendition of Bob and "the Boss" playing Forever Young.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plhfJbR7Gxk

 

another version by Norah Jones at a memorial for Steve Jobs

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jEKY-3eNZc&feature=related

[[gi...]]

this truly is going to be my sign off on November 11th.

 

:2funny:

 

Hey G.  I know, it's not the first time I've cried wolf, but in the words of Michael Jackson, "this is it" (November 11th)  .

 

V

 

love you guy, you know that, right? I was just bustin' your chops! 

 

you might want to consider choosing a different exit slogan, considering you're taking one from a man who made the announcemtn "This is It" - and then o.d.'d on a cocktail of propofel, xanax and ativan -! 

[[ve...]]

this truly is going to be my sign off on November 11th.

 

:2funny:

 

Hey G.  I know, it's not the first time I've cried wolf, but in the words of Michael Jackson, "this is it" (November 11th)  .

 

V

 

love you guy, you know that, right? I was just bustin' your chops! 

 

you might want to consider choosing a different exit slogan, considering you're taking one from a man who made the announcemtn "This is It" - and then o.d.'d on a cocktail of propofel, xanax and ativan -! 

 

Hey G.  Nothing wrong with a little propofol once in a while , worked out well for my colonoscopy last Spring .  I'll skip the ativan and xanax though .  Love you too G.  We've had our little disagreements here and there, but us post benzo warriors stick together, right?  Not so many others truly understand what we've accomplished .

 

 

V

[[gi...]]

you got that right!

[[mt...]]

Thanks for the song Verti.  It kinda sums it up.  It brought back some memories of my FIRST outting after ending my taper.  My SIL and I headed out last minute over to Berkeley to see Bob Dylan at the Greek Theatre.  We had no tickets but high hopes that we could buy some tickets at the entrance.  The biggest obstacle was that I had a bad case of Plantar Fasciitis and could barely walk.

 

I was dropped off at the entrance while son in law parked.  We found some tickets and I hobbled in as best as I could.  An  attendent saw me struggling up the steps and asked if I would like to sit in the handicapped section.  We ended up in front row center seats!  It was a wonderful autumn night, dark sky filled with stars.  Bob played all my favorite songs and from time to time I cried.  It was a fitting event to celebrate my newfound "freedom".

 

I feel like my journey here is also coming to a close.  My life is full and I am eager to move onto my next chapter.

 

I hope everyone posts away with any questions or comments.  No MORE V DAY is coming down the tracks.  31 days and counting!

 

OK Nitey Nite

Mimi