6-12 month thread....

[[He...]]

Hope and all,

 

Imagine a two bouncing pendulum balls. They bounce side to side but the quicker they bounces the closest to the time it is reaching equilibrium. I am feeling very good today and I simply had my symptoms in the last month bouncing allot. I have felt the best I have felt in 20 years today -- I do not say that lightly.I'm a 32 year user and I can tell there is massive healing. I am not writing my success story yet but I believe God has healed me greatly and continues to do so.

 

Peace and healing to all,

 

Life

 

This makes a lot of sense to me, and I'm wondering if this is what is going on with me.  This bouncing back and forth has happened a few times in my recovery and each time it leads to a higher baseline.  I am believing (well, trying to) this is the case with my up and down week.  This is how my past few days have been:  Friday morning was one of the worst I've had in a long while, I didn't think that I was going to even be able to stay at school.  By Friday evening, I was at a murder mystery dinner event where you have to mix and mingle with lots of people to try and solve the mystery....I had a lot of fun and was feeling good.  Yesterday I had mini-waves throughout the day, but was at my daughter's district championships for track.  It was a long day at a school about 2 hours away from home.  Today I'm struggling again.  I have to write a paper for my masters class, due tonight, and I'm so worried that I won't be able to do it.  I am becoming exhausted by this recovery process!  I'm just praying that this round of waves will push me out of recovery and into healed....

[[He...]]

I am in a  wave from hell.... It started last night with being overly emotional about stuff, then spent all night listening to negative thoughts--got no sleep. Woke up this morning crying off/on, cant seem to stop the negative thoughts. Anxiety is high today, I almost feel shaky from it. The worst part about all of this is I can't just lay in bed and rest, I have 2 little boys who need me which makes it even harder. Iam 8 months off tomorrow--at this rate I don't think healing is even possible at 12 months for me. Sorry for the negative post, its one of those days and I need to vent.....Jenny

 

Jenny,

I'm so sorry that you are in a wave, must be something in the air because I am right there with you.  I have anxiety that is high and I feel like I am close to tears.  Active healing, active healing!  We will both pull out of this one better than before.

[[je...]]

Thank you everyone for the encouragement, I really needed it today. I know this process is not linear and even though I don't feel it right now, I know Iam still healing. Hugs to all of you Jenny

[[Sk...]]

Hi,

 

It's half past 12 am here in Italy and I'm reading this thread while Mr Sky is watching TV.

 

I just laughed and laughed during a collection of comic spoofs about Kanye West, bless him!

 

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time, partly because I have been too literal and slowminded to understand any jokes! 

 

Usually at this hour I get hit by my night anxiety so I'm sort of guarded.

 

This is just a quick note to tell you that this had started as bad day. I woke up angry and was looking for a reason to be  so and I needed a fight. Luckily I took a walk and it all went away and it's been a great day.

 

When things are good  everything looks so beautiful. I'm noticing the beauty in things that I hadn't noticed before and I'm really far from well. What will it be like when WE do get well?

 

Good night everyone!

[[br...]]

I never really watch T.V these days, I just constantly seem to channel hop, my mind is not ready for it yet. I look forward to being able to just sit and watch a full movie. I can actually sit still and concentrate a lot longer than I could and I still enjoy some T.V shows, but movies just seem to be too difficult to watch.

 

I'd probably feel the same way benzo withdrawal or otherwise, the rubbish Hollywood tries to pass as entertainment these days.

 

I know this thread is not about T.V shows, I just thought I would lighten the mood.

 

I'm at the 1 year and 1 week out point and I'm seeing some good windows, some really good improvements. I am feeling good about the future.

 

This time 4 months ago I was in quite a bad way. This time 4 years ago, yikes! In a Very bad way! I would say I'm 50% Healed now.

 

Stay strong everyone and heres to the future.

 

Bring It On

[[Co...]]

Ok fellow 6 month buddies....a repetitive question....about fatigue...

.....I know I asked for support regarding fatigue previous.....and here I am again.

My partial window is pretty closed and I experienced another hypoglycemia like episode today. That sudden feeling of weakness and such fatigue that lying down is all I can think of doing. Today I resisted lying down...just sheer refusal to let it ruin my morning...but I was really really tired all day. That feeling of just pushing through...going through the motions ..When this fatigue hits me it also brings. weird disconnect from time...at noon it felt exactly like 4pm ( I realize how crazy that sounds). The day had such an odd sense of being twice as long as a normal day. Different than " a long day "...literally like a day with too many hours......a new kind of d/r...or jumping down the rabbit hole...so entirely spooky.

....My biggest concern is ...of course....hypochondria and health fears ( such a constant in my p/w). ..It makes me believe ( until I can get my head unwound...) that I have heart issues...in Feb er ( and a cardiologist)  ran tests and assured me my heart is good..

.... I am just venting and leaning on you guys...I know it is par...just wanting to know...again....if others. feel so physically debilitated by fatigue. ..this deep fatigue with weakness seems new.

....thanks buddies...if I have to ask this again I promise to take it somewhere else. I realize I am getting obssessed with fatigue fear....coop

 

[[ci...]]

Coop, I was still getting the fatigue sporadically up until a two weeks ago and still get mini episodes.  I describe it almost like the power is being shut off to everything except my mind (probably because I am too anxious to feel mentally tired).  It literally feels like everything in my body - muscles,organs, heart - is on the verge of just shutting off.  I too have had every test run - glucose, cardio scans, bloodwork, etc and it is all normal.  Sometimes I will drink the Adrenal Cocktail (you can look it up on here) and it seems to help sometimes. 

 

I think it is safe to say that this is another WD sxs. 

[[Gr...]]

Coop

I just started using Immunocal.  That's one of my chronic fatigue remedies from when I was in tolerance and misdiagnosed.  It definitely helps me with fatigue, but the two days I took it I had some insomnia.  I'm going to keep on it a little longer and see if I can tolerate it because it does give me energy and helps with aches and pains.  It's whey protein powder.  I would not have tried it before now. 

[[No...]]

Coop - "I realize I am getting obssessed with fatigue fear" - (bear with me for a bit, I am pretty foggy this morning with vision issues again) - there is a positive element in your statement, you recognize your process. Is there a way for you to "pause" for a bit after making that statement - to recognize you are aware of "getting obsessed" and just "pausing" there. These "pauses" became very helpful for me as I grew to learn how to accept where I was in the moment. "Pause and Breathe".

 

I found that these processes of obsession had the charactersitic of speed. If, when, I could slow them down they gradually lost some of their steam. A long time ago I read a couple of books by Claire Weekes. She speaks of this "steamroller" (my word) effect of fear and obsession. In the pause I found that I did develop the skill, gradually, to stop fearing the fear. And, I could step back from "the rabbit hole" of obsession.

 

This is probably clear as mud. Sorry I cannot do better this morning.

 

Also, reptition is the nature of the beast. I don't feel you have to take your "fatigue" posts elsewhere.

 

During this long, long process I too had times of total fatigue, sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks. As with all my side effects they gradually shift, change, and heal.

 

Take care.

 

Good healing, all.

[[Co...]]

CC...Green ..and....Nova....

......Thank you so much for your replies. My fatigue has morphed into benzo flu...or Meniers episode....or the Black Plague....nausea...rolling motion sickness....ear pressure...tinnitis...insomnia....

.....trying ton go with it....too sick to care enough to be anxious. ...All of your replies deserve responses...maybe tomorrow...

.....thanks friends.....hoping for a better day tomorrow....wishing sunbreaks. windows and healing to all of you.....coop

[[Mo...]]

Day 6 of this wave.  Not used to this.  Coop are you out there?  It feels good to me knowing your there.  Somebody tell us more good stories.  Please go away wave. 

[[be...]]

Hey Coop, I'm fighting the fatigue monster everyday.

My worst symptoms now are the fatigue, pain in legs and hips, and nausea, the nausea will let up for a few days and return, it doesn't  last all day like in the beginning.

Some mild flu symptoms keep popping up and they are also short lived.

 

I bought a shower chair a couple months back and now I don't have to worry about falling in the shower, makes washing my hair much easier and less fatigue.

 

My head symptoms are healing faster than the physical ones.

Take it hour by hour.

[[je...]]

Hi Coop,

 

Sorry you are not feeling well and fighting the fatigue. I have it as well... It is very discouraging and hard to deal with, I also have the feeling of my legs being stuck in cement. Its like I want to get up and go, but physically I can't move. I hope it goes away soon for all of us. Maybe its our bodies way of telling us to just slow down and rest. take care, Jenny

[[Sk...]]

After having an amazing evening yesterday today is a little rough.

 

But what's relevant about yesterday is that forthe first time since this started I put a big fat  in my mood journal! Hope there will be many more to come and to be able to tell you all about it!

 

 

Today is another matter though.

 

I'm having palps etc. and I'm feeling so frustrated at being so slow at my daily small tasks and endeavours.

 

I won't bother you with all that though, it's just routine complaints. I cry often, I'm having mood swings apparently.

 

I too like Beulah am afraid of being in the shower, I'm afraid of falling. It's of some comfort when somebody else has that odd little symptoms in common. It doesn't change the substance but I guess we find it reassuring that all is within the norm.

 

I guess I feel lonely. Communication of any kind helps fight that loneliness.

 

 

Well that's all for now, sorry to have nothing brighter to say.

 

Be better everybody.

 

Sky

[[pe...]]

Coop!

I am thinking of you and understand the awful fatigue plus the fear that surrounds this whole thing! You've felt better than this and so you will again. Try to rest, maybe on the patio you got set up with your daughter the other day. Thinking of you!

 

And Hi to Sky! So glad you're here and that it helps keep lonely a little bit further away. BB does that for me too.

[[Gr...]]

Coop, just think about how good you're going to feel when this wave is over. Bad waves usually bring good windows.

[[...]]

Coop, I am so sorry for your suffering right now. Just like you've been reminding me, it is temporary. The mountain top experience will come again after the valley walk. It always happens.

Stay strong and stay the course. You can do it.

 

Ed C

[[Mo...]]

Coop, my 6 day wave seems to be lifting.  Because these waves don't really come anymore I wanted to tell you mine had the hypoglycemia dizzy sensation and the fatigue, like sleep would never be able to reach the depths of it.  No sleep again last night and I woke my husband to ask him if I was missing something and was really sick because I felt that dizzy.  He has me started on low carb.  I told him it might be messing with my blood sugar.  He said 'no and no'..  The diet should be helping my sugar.  I got up and ate some watermelon anyways.. Hehe.  I absolutely lose my appetite during a wave, so again I get allllllllll freaked out.

 

I also had to go to my specialist today for another issue and as I got ready I could feel hysteria overtaking me.  I looked into my bathroom mirror and scrambled for a thought to hold on to to get a grip.  Then I remembered a friend of a friend who is on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds because she has chronic UTI's.  I remember how my friend would describe her in bed for a few days because of panic....and this person is medicated.  Not an option for me.

 

With those thoughts rushing thru my head I knew I had to chose not to be that friend of a friend.  Some how it reeled me in.  I know it's not always possible to choose but the waves get to a point where choosing to overcome is as 'easy' as saying no to it.

 

Back to how you feel.  Sounds par for withdrawal. 

 

I am also at the point where I'm ready to go in and get blood work done to make sure everything is still normal.  This tme I'm going to a natural Dr who is familiar with benzo detox.  Will be testing for food allergies, adrenal gland fatigue, thyroid issues and all that lipid blood stuff.

 

I recently was on a board where the question was, 'are you sure it's still withdrawal'.  You get to a place where you are normal but there is this weird residual of symptoms.  Not huge, but there.  The thread was great.  It let me know I'm normal.  Especially after getting hit with this wave.  Now I'm ready to see if the remaining healing is something I can influence.

 

I enjoy reading your posts if that helps.  You sound like an awesome person and I love that you try to answer everyone's post.  Love the alternate world with red eyed demons comment.  Oh, the fact that we can all understand puts us in good company.

 

Like another person said, the Aston manual says 6-12 months.  I trust that document.  Hang in there.  I also love to read the success stories.  That will be us.

[[li...]]

Hope all is good. I'm still feeling awesome but my wife said that I feel distant. I love her so much and I must say that I probably have been distant. I feel that I have felt so miserable so long that I just want to go out and do things. I know that I cant overdo it but I just want to have fun! Its an amazing window that I am having on my 8th anniversary! That's right I'm 8 months off that crap. I am mostly feeling optimistic about things and feel like I can work on my career again. That is something that I questioned would ever return and it has.  :thumbsup:I took on some investmenst today and do not feel like a chicken about it. Wow did that feel good. Look I do not know if I am cured yet BUT I can officially say with certainty that I know that I am healing big time. Guys this stuff is awesome when you know that. I thought just two months ago that this saga would never go away. I mean every doubt I had it. I just now have to slow down enough to be with the ones that have been there for me since day one. I have a beautiful and great wife and children and I just have to curb my enthusiasm a bit. Think about it. When you put someone under water all you have to do for them to feel like the world is a new place is simply lift their head out of the water. That is what a window is all about. Things will get better and better as you go from being above water to improving your baseline. Windows in the beginning were just lifting my head out of the water. Now they are being productive. next I hope and pray they will be blissful and content. Am I unreasonable? No not really. God took us through this journey and he never abandoned us ( although sometimes it feels that way). When you go through valleys this low you have a new found sense of appreciation for life when you get on the other side. I have not written my success story yet guys as I have to have this set in for weeks first but I sure do know that my baseline is exploded upwards. So heer is the thing. If you are feeling awful; if you are giving up hope; if you feel that YOU are the one that will prove Ashton wrong and never heal; if all these or other benzo lies are running through your head; don't give up!!!!! This is a non linear healing process and that is right YOUR total healing may be tomorrow, next week, next month -- but it will be! 

 

I pray and hope that this is my everlasting window but I am taking it one day at a time. I'm not doing my victory tour yet but I have a knowledge that I know that I am healing! That is enough for right now. I sure desire it with every part of my mind/body and soul!

 

life

[[je...]]

So great to hear life! Happy 8 months! Its my 8 month anniversary as well. Can you believe how long this process is? Nice to hear you are doing well and enjoying life. When I'm in a window I feel the same way-- I just want to have fun! Take care, jenny

[[Mo...]]

Wow life4me... Awesome story!!  So happy for you.  I have kind of done the same thing.  My husband doesn't feel I"m distant but as soon as I could get out, I would stay out.  He gives me lots of breathing room.  I just started some work too.  Don't think I could handle a full time gig, but may in the future.

[[No...]]

life4me - thank you for your post. It helps me to keep focussed on the horizon I am walking towards. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

[[...]]

Thank you Life, I certainly needed to hear that.. I half laughed when you mentioned the part about being the wrong to prove Ashton wrong..  I feel like that, I have been questioning weather ill get my brain back and not be permenantly fried. 

 

Great to hear you are doing so well! 

 

 

Cheers,

 

 

 

Fonz

[[No...]]

Good Morning - not much sleep again, woke up with chills. Spent time with rug design. Then ... big short of breath ... rocky, unstable sensations, and lots of tightness upper and lower torso. Spent time with slow balanced breathing and some chamomile tea. loud anxiety on the edge of panic. Feeling more grounded and very jittery.

 

Oh well ... this process goes on ... and on ... and on.

 

Take care, folks.

[[No...]]

Wow - this is the full meal deal - haven't had one this loud in a couple months - seems this old body is cycling thru most of the side-effects known to benzoville. Like a puppy shaking the beezeesus out of its rag doll toy.

 

And maybe I am getting perverse and jaded in my old age, I just sit here watching the show, not detached, how could anybody be detached from this kind of chaos, kinda' like well what is going to show up next? This is pure and simple suffering. Suffering with an end game thankfully. Guess I will just fasten my seatbelt and wait til I get wherever this is going.

 

Take care, folks.