6-12 month thread....

[[...]]

Greenice - I only now realize over the years I too suffered from tolerence. I was stubborn and always refused to up my dose. So after the up-dose made you better what made you want to come off the benzo ?

 

Coop - Great to hear you had a window, Enjoy!

 

Life - That is huge news, better than the past 20 years ? Wow. Fantastic!

 

 

All the best,

 

 

 

Fonz

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Greenice - I only now realize over the years I too suffered from tolerence. I was stubborn and always refused to up my dose. So after the up-dose made you better what made you want to come off the benzo ?

 

Coop - Great to hear you had a window, Enjoy!

 

Life - That is huge news, better than the past 20 years ? Wow. Fantastic!

 

 

All the best,

 

 

 

Fonz

 

That was 2004, keeping in mind I didn't know there was a cause and effect relationship between benzos and being sick.  Once I went into tolerance, upped the dose and stabilized, which took years, I found myself over-medicated, really suffering from the effects of the high dose.  That's when mystery illness went to real illness, where positive lab results were coming back. My life broke down to get to work, get home to bed, and get up and do it again.  I was getting older and my body was breaking down.  I lost touch with my emotions, basically lost myself.  Depression set in.  That's why even on my darkest days in withdrawal reinstatement is not an option.  I don't think my body or my poor GABA receptors can tolerate the drug anymore.  The good news: It's slow going but I think I'm getting better after almost two decades on this drug. 

[[je...]]

Green,

I just noticed how rapid your taper was off a high dose. How was that for you? Was it super hard? And if I'm reading your SIG correct you jumped of 20 mg Valium, basically c/t right?

[[No...]]

GreenIce - "but I think I'm getting better after almost two decades on this drug" - you are . 

[[Sk...]]

Hi, I'm a 6 month old CT and I'm at page 8 of the thread. It's a great thread so glad somebody thought about putting us together!

 

I never thought I would get better by month 6  specifically so I haven't been disappointed yet. I have definitely gotten worse at month 6 and it's been quite frustrating. After almost a month of intense suffering I am getting a small break.

It's true that we adapt to  anything, even suffering. Bad is my normal.

 

I have all the symptoms in the book.

 

I fight vibrations by walking. I've noticed that they diminish when I move. So I walk even in the house, this symptom really scares me no matter how much I try to reason it out.

 

One thing that keeps me from posting as much as I would like is I mix up letters as I write. So I have to go over and fix things. Like Have usually comes AHVE . That sort of kill my inspiration and makes it very taxing. 

I started a typing course thinking it would help but I now realise it has nothing to do with typing skills.

 

I have moments of intense frustration when I can't get simple things done and that's when I wonder when I'll get well.

 

Have a nice weekend everybody!

[[Mo...]]

Coop, great thread.

 

I want to give my update too.  First I was on the meds 9 months total from 3.5 of Ativan daily to thru the valium blood serum switch to last pill in November of 2013.  Lost 30lbs and can give you a google map worthy version of the gates of hell and the train that takes you there. 

 

Last week on Thursday was my 6 month if we are counting months every 4weeks.  My experience has definitely eased up except I am currently experiencing my first wave in quite awhile since maybe March?  I track all my symptoms on my period tracker because mine lined up with my menstrual cycles back in January.  I do have what I describe as 'spikes' that last 4-5 hours.  My last period two weeks ago had minimal almost nonexistent spiking.  First one to date.

 

I live in the 95% on the healed spectrum, but you can be sure a spike is as unpleasant as a wave.  Because I have small children I describe it to my family as the scent left after changing a dirty diaper.  You might not be able to see it but you can sure smell it, locate it's origin and it takes just as much work to get rid of as the original amount of gross you started with.

 

I still go to counseling bi-weekly.  When I was in the down dose I went twice a week, then once a week and now bi-weekly.  The coping skills help immensely:  Meditation (I use scripture), pre-written scripts by my treadmill to say while walking because it causes the good stuff to fire off, calling all on my friends who support me and of course, going on here for words of encouragement and to see I am normal... 

Mind you, in a huge wave, it's all about white knuckling the couch...

 

Back in April I started a weird allergy.. inside of nose, ears, throat felt swollen and back of tongue burning.  I have associated as w/d because the throat sensation was something I would get with a gut knott during the days I was dealt depression.  All of my current symptoms seem to be lesser versions of the big stuff we experience.  They seem to manifest themselves in a different way, but for me there is always a calling card of physical symptoms.. nausea, headache, breathless.

 

This board caught my attention because a lot of people were talking about fears about health.  Man, I have hit some kind of hysteria about my health.  Yes, I did have concerns before because I have what is called IC.. it's a bladder thing and I always have blood in my urine, so it has to be watched.  With that said, I have only been to my detox since 2013 and avoided specialists like the plague.  This past week I had to go to the urgent care because of my back pain.  Another weird thing rearing it's head.  Might be because of all the couch time I put in and I'm trying to get my life back, right!  Yes, the blood was there and I freaked out... could barely keep myself together. 

 

Then the wave was in full force.  It started Tuesday.  The last two nights I have felt like asking my family to chain me up incase I turn into a werewolf.  There was this crazy fear and hysteria and I don't even know what was coursing thru me.. exhaustion and energy all at the same time.. had me shaking, trembling and crying.  I did get some serious nausea and a headache.  Still not the take me to ER kind of attack but very mental.  Like what the heck.  How can you be so normal and then so irrational???!!!!!  I also had on Thursday inability to focus, or think.  My thoughts were absolutely scattered.  There has been some dizziness too.

 

I woke up this morning a little funky, like there was nothing to do and I felt empty.  I use the motion of the day to get up and going and it's the weekend sooooo nothing to do.  I felt icky, and breathless... then it started to fall off me.

 

I don't really wake anymore with the anxiety sitting on me.  My kids wake me all hours of the night and I go immediately into meditation.  It's part of my being now.  I don't stop to focus on anything but good and uplifting and professing positive.  Just my life now.

 

So, it's 10:51am as I type this.  There is a trace of adrenaline flowing thru me but I am focused on my day.  Staying in the moment, no longer projecting out too far. 

 

My father inlaw was on 2mg of xanax for two years to treat insomnia.  He decided to go off after seeing what I had been thru.  His was a walk in the park.  He had maybe 3 months of symptoms.  Lost 20lbs in one month and some depression.  He also used medical marijuana to get thru the down dose.  I don't recommend that because it can heighten anxiety and depression.  It worked fine for him.

 

Okay, that's my .10$ ....

 

MommyR

 

 

 

[[li...]]

Coop, I am doing the posting while feeling awesome because I now understand that the temptation is to go out and just not look back. I think that is why many here do not post once they get better. Reading the posts of others when you are in a fragile recovery is hard at times. That is why I try not to read too many posts. I am not declaring victory yet but I am getting some awesome feelings back. Can a wave hit anytime -- I suppose so but I am going to enjoy this window for as long as it last! Hopefully forever! As we heal I think the quality of our windows is what shows us that we are getting close. It seems the waves are much shorter now and the windows are getting better. I NEVER would have thought feeling like this only a month ago! Hang in their guys and gals -- we really do heal!

 

life

[[Co...]]

Life...you are pure hope. I hand copied your post and attached it to my fridge and my bathroom mirror. Going to tattoo it to my forehead ...especially the part about. " a month ago I wouldn't have imagined this could happen ".....hope hope hope

.......I remember the posts you were putting up 5/6 weeks ago....you were feeling pretty sick. I am so happy that you are living life again....and so grateful to you for sharing your window...We really need to see stories like yours at 6 months to keep us marching on to year one. There seems to be some insurmountable wall between. 6-10 months ...thank you so much Life. .we are all following......enjoy the heck out of it.....coop

[[Co...]]

Green Ice....you are pure and simple a Mighty Girl....Last.night after a very decent day my partial window slammed shut. I was sleeping ..in a fashion.after deep breathing myself through. some minor anxiety and burning feet.....AND THEN....the sprinklers came on at 1130 pm....Omg...I was not expecting the sprinklers as they have just been turned on for the summer.  My condo is on ground level. ..the sprinkler is 5 feet from my bedroom window....startle to full blown panic without even opening my eyes as the ' tsunami ' roared over the lawn...lol.

.....30 minute panic....Green , I read your entire progress journal while waiting out my panic. I have read it a couple of times before...it is such a strong wonderful story.

....I guess the good news is that even though I felt like I was seconds away from certain death ...I KNEW I wasn't... no thoughts of calling 911...although further sleep was iffy....

....Green your story is so encouraging and motivating....so love your grit.....from a very wimpy girl

....coop

[[Co...]]

MommyR.....wow you are in a great place at 6 months off. Your post is so encouraging to me. I will step into month 7 ( did I really say month 7?) on June 4 th ...Month 6 has been disappointing,  but it is reassuring to see from the posts on this thread that many have up and down month 6.

.....Your description of the pattern of your s/x as " spikes," is encouraging to me. I had a 10 day wave from some hellish alternate universe inhabited by fire breathing demons with glowing red eyes. .....Then ....a couple of days of weird window/ wave pattern that switched up every half hour. ...Then a day of half window half wave...then a day of benzo flu with the bad boy body aches, nausea, and dizziness and head pain and ear pain. All of that pretty much lifted for the whole day yesterday...until a panic in the night which I recovered from pretty matter of factly ...with the help of Green Ice 's progress journal.

.....Today......no real effects from the panic last night...good energy and no anxiety or wild horror movie hypochondria....so another partial window...maybe 75% open window....So I am hoping that maybe my waves will wane into a pattern of spikes too. My best p/w months were 1-2 ...everything got wild and terrifying from then on.  Months 4- 5 1/2 were one wave rolling over the next...now at 6 1/2 maybe things are leaning in the direction of healing...shouldn't type that in and jinx it. I am still taking things slow and easy. Seems that jumping into life head on during a window precipitates a bad wave....Soon we will be able to live our lives straight out of our hearts passions without wondering what the cost will be.

 

...Mommy R....thank you for the post ..you are doing so wonderfully...95% at the close of 6 months...so glad for you....wishing you nothing but healing all the way from here..keep us posted......no more " white knuckling the couch " for you.....coop

 

 

 

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning - am in the midst of another healing explosion. Heavy "flu", belly stuff, aches and pains, and some anxiety. Just dozing sleep for a while last night.

 

Oh well, I suppose the healing genie found some more work to do. I tell myself, "this too shall pass" just like all the explosions for the past many years.

 

And my wife told me last night that she is seeing much improvement. I often do not see it or acknowledge it. It is good to have a witness.

 

Good healing everyone. Have the best day you can.

[[...]]

Thanks for sharing everyone. Not much to share today, same old brain damaged bedridden fun.

 

Fonz

[[li...]]

It is very interesting that most of the people writing here are in the 6-7 month range. I wonder why? Could it be that some major healing occurs in the 7-8 month and on range? Im not sure but just wondering?

 

Anyway, I wake up with some morning anxiety that is very manageable and feeling great now. I wonder why the morning anxiety? As I try to examine it I don't even realize what the anxiety is about. Wonder why? I then meditate for 20 minutes and by then all the anxiety is gone.

 

Here is one thing that all of you can look forward to... I am sitting in the car and all of the sudden a great song comes on and a radiant smile comes on my face and then the music goes on blast and I am dancing and singing in the car ( I have not done that in 30 years). I started benzos 32 years ago. That might not be what you have to look forward to BUT the feelings of optimism for the future and joy and excitement returns people? Am I cured 100% --  not writing a success story yet but I think the worst is over! Im 7.95 months out.

 

One of the things that most impresses me of the journey back to normalcy is that I am actually remembering things from the past that are fun and that I have not thought about in years.

 

I do want to write one more thing for those that are reading this. Even though I am not counting victory yet, I too used to feel bad when I read people were out there enjoying their lives. I needed the success stories BUT  I also was ticked that I was not healed yet. I even questioned whether I would ever heal. Hang in there and remember to write your good experiences for yourself as well as for those that are in need of the hope in their dark hours. That is the least I can do. Believe me when you are feeling good again the temptation will be to just stay away from BB. That is a temptation I am resisting for now as I believe that many need the good too.

 

Ashton said most of the symptoms will leave for a great part of the crowd here between 6-12 months. Could be more and could be less. And stop being superstitious saying that "If I celebrate like something will happen wrong". That is bullshit! Pardon my French!

 

Life

[[No...]]

life4me - thanks for the encoureagement. I need it today. Having a pretty good rough one today.

 

Got this image of a long line of cars singing and dancing through my neighbourhood. Thank you for my smile.

 

Have a good one.

[[am...]]

It is very interesting that most of the people writing here are in the 6-7 month range. I wonder why? Could it be that some major healing occurs in the 7-8 month and on range? Im not sure but just wondering?

 

Anyway, I wake up with some morning anxiety that is very manageable and feeling great now. I wonder why the morning anxiety? As I try to examine it I don't even realize what the anxiety is about. Wonder why? I then meditate for 20 minutes and by then all the anxiety is gone.

 

Here is one thing that all of you can look forward to... I am sitting in the car and all of the sudden a great song comes on and a radiant smile comes on my face and then the music goes on blast and I am dancing and singing in the car ( I have not done that in 30 years). I started benzos 32 years ago. That might not be what you have to look forward to BUT the feelings of optimism for the future and joy and excitement returns people? Am I cured 100% --  not writing a success story yet but I think the worst is over! Im 7.95 months out.

 

One of the things that most impresses me of the journey back to normalcy is that I am actually remembering things from the past that are fun and that I have not thought about in years.

 

I do want to write one more thing for those that are reading this. Even though I am not counting victory yet, I too used to feel bad when I read people were out there enjoying their lives. I needed the success stories BUT  I also was ticked that I was not healed yet. I even questioned whether I would ever heal. Hang in there and remember to write your good experiences for yourself as well as for those that are in need of the hope in their dark hours. That is the least I can do. Believe me when you are feeling good again the temptation will be to just stay away from BB. That is a temptation I am resisting for now as I believe that many need the good too.

 

Ashton said most of the symptoms will leave for a great part of the crowd here between 6-12 months. Could be more and could be less. And stop being superstitious saying that "If I celebrate like something will happen wrong". That is bullshit! Pardon my French!

 

Life

 

Great post Life ! That sentence I bolded above should end with an apostrophe cause it isn't a question, its a way of life !!! 

[[Co...]]

Nova and Fonz....sorry to hear that you are on the down side today....me too. Startwd the day with a moderate surge of physical anxiety that left me feeling weak... but my baseline is still better I am not totally freaked out about the weakness or the anxiety s/x like shaking and organic fear. This is big improvement for me. I went back to bed for awhile ..until the weakness passes ...which it will. Distracting with books, the morning politics and reading BB posts.

.....One thing I have noticed lately is that my down days are followed more quickly by an up day ( at least in the last week). ...I hopes that is true for you too Nova and Fonz.

 

...Life....you Are bringing so much shining hope to us. Love the image of you rockin ' out in your car. I guess if w/d has any upside it would be that wonderful sense of a new chance to love our lives and the sense of brand new joy in the wonderful every day .....you are such s boost to us Life....keep on dancinn' ....coop

[[Gr...]]

Hi All

 

I'm on a little break as helper to the tile guy doing my kitchen.  I know this is not a window, got a few s/x, but I have to say while I distract with this little job, washing out buckets and tools with the hose in the yard, the back and forth, the s/x I do feel get pushed to the back burner.  I had insomnia last night, palps, but I ignored them (because I was able to, sometimes they're bad and you can't).  I don't know, I just feel okay and hopeful.  I mean I'm only six months out.  I had some DP yesterday, was emotionally detached, chest tightness, the palps, but it's okay because I'm keeping busy.  So I'm good for today.  Just trying to make the best of it.  Have a good one, everybody

[[Gr...]]

Green,

I just noticed how rapid your taper was off a high dose. How was that for you? Was it super hard? And if I'm reading your SIG correct you jumped of 20 mg Valium, basically c/t right?

 

Yeah, it was basically a cold turkey.  I had a falling out with my doctor, stormed out, and truly believed I had enough medication to taper quickly.  I knew nothing about withdrawal after 21 days or BB.  And, yes, it was horrific scary.  But I think long term, high dose users like me can heal, even with a rapid detox, c/t.  Today I really do believe we will all get better, it's just a matter of time.  Having a decent day, obviously.  When my next wave hits, I'll be carrying on, lol.

[[Gr...]]

GreenIce - "but I think I'm getting better after almost two decades on this drug" - you are . 

 

We are, N. Scot.  Just think of the mental clarity we have off them (not on cog-fog days)

[[No...]]

GreenIce - I live almost at the top of Geizers Hill (yep it really is called that). And the fog rolls straight in from the Atlantic, damp, clingy, yukky, too many mornings and evenings each week. So, that's my excuse for geezers fog. 

 

My "rollercoaster on steroids" ran out of steam. Should be a quieter afternoon.

 

Thanks for listening folks. Have a good one.

[[je...]]

I am in a  wave from hell.... It started last night with being overly emotional about stuff, then spent all night listening to negative thoughts--got no sleep. Woke up this morning crying off/on, cant seem to stop the negative thoughts. Anxiety is high today, I almost feel shaky from it. The worst part about all of this is I can't just lay in bed and rest, I have 2 little boys who need me which makes it even harder. Iam 8 months off tomorrow--at this rate I don't think healing is even possible at 12 months for me. Sorry for the negative post, its one of those days and I need to vent.....Jenny

[[Co...]]

Jenny....you are going to get better...did you read Life,'s post?....You have had. tough week..I am really sorry...it is so hard to have tough days after any time of feeling better. You are more than half way to a year off....I know there really isn't. anything I can say that you haven't already said to yourself a hundred times through this long walk. .  Just know I am rooting for you and hoping you wake up to a much better day tomorrow.  .coop

[[pe...]]

Jenny,

I'm so sorry you're in a wave! So many say their best healing came after their worst waves. Not long you were lifting us all up with your positive reports of healing. There are so many good days to come. Try to give yourself a break if you can. You were super mom at soccer yesterday. See if you can duck out of kid duty for a little bit. The boys need you, but they also need you to take care of yourself.

 

Thinking of you,

Peace2

[[li...]]

Jenny,

 

One thing that I have learned is not to judge when you think you will get better. I used for 32 years. Im not even sure what dose as I changed it so much while I was on. I mean you may feel horrible today and then your last and lasting window may come next week. I remember having the worse wave that drove me to places I have never been before in my 6th month and thank God my therapist said "It is darkest before the dawn. You are getting this depressed because your brain is allowing itself to go there and you are healing. You are strong enough to go there now." I did not believe her at all at the time and said that is a bunch of bunk! But it was true! Right after that I started having awesome windows and never again had a wave that deep or bad.

 

Ama, thank you so much. It is an apostrophe that I wanted. All I pray to God for is to be optimistic and hopeful and joyful for the now and the future. No time to waste on the time I have wasted in the past! I just want to be a productive member of society and I am feeling that I am/will am/become that now! So much of my own personal self worth came from my career but now I know what it is to love myself AND still want a good career. It is important to me to strive for and to be doing something productive. Maybe now God has healed me enough for me to start that journey. We are all going to heal.

 

life

 

 

[[fl...]]

Jenny, I'm sorry you're in a rough patch.  I'm a mom of little ones too, and I know how desperately hard it is to go through this as a parent. 

 

So far, almost a week of relief from anxiety.  Feels like a miracle.  Let's keep on fighting the good fight, friends.  Healing for us, every one.