The POSITIVE withdrawal thread.

[[Ev...]]

 

 

Thank you Everhopeful, your hope is inspiring. I hope I can learn to see side effects this way, especially the emotional ones. I NEED to learn to see them this way, positively. I appreciate your words

 

Hi JustDoToday33,

 

You know what, you can learn to see side effects differently even if they are uncomfortable.  Emotional ones are harder but if you remember that they have a beginning and an end just like an ocean wave that has so much power to swell, peak and then crash and retreat, you can learn to ride the waves without attaching too much to them.  I get teary sometimes out of the blue. I realize that for two years plus, my emotions have been blunted while I dealt with a LOT.  So when they become aware in my consciousness now, I just notice them and don't grab onto them.  I think, "Oh, that's a sad feeling" or "Wow, that's an angry feeling" or "hmmm, depressed today, okay." I do my best not to attach but sometimes I do and even when I do, the moment I let go, I'm fine and feel normal again.  Sometimes I might cry and that's okay.  Any emotion is just an emotion...an experience.  It doesn't have to wreck your world if you know that as a human being on planet Earth, it is very okay to experience emotion.  When you can learn to observe the emotion you feel from the center of your soul, you can distance from it in a healthy way.  You don't even have to label it.  Don't ignore but acknowledge it and go about your business. That is what I have learned to do but it was Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction that taught me how to do this.  Eckart Tolle's book, The Power of Now really helped me too.  He's wonderful, I think.

 

I've rambled, so I'll let go for now.  Hang in there and know that how ever you are is okay.  What feels troubling will pass. If it gets too heavy or too much, call your counselor and go talk it out and get some perspective with it.  I love my counselor.  She's so onboard with what I'm doing and encourages me so much.  Coming from a near nervous break down 2-1/2 years ago to where I am today, she's really been encouraging me and supporting my progress.  It's been a long journey of recovery from the moment I realized I wasn't okay from burn out, years of too much stress and reaching for immediate medicinal help so I could keep functioning until now, feeling whole even though I'm walking through this crazy withdrawal and I'm not done yet.  I still may have months of healing to go.  I'm okay with that because I'm so many miles distant from where I was that I'm grateful for this journey even up to this moment.  It's been amazing to say the least. Any how, I know that we can all do this, get through this and recover. We just need to take care of ourselves very well. 

 

Take care!

 

Ever....

[[MT...]]

Thanks for all of your wise words, Ever.

 

Today I'm focusing on staying in the present moment, observing thoughts and feelings without judgment/labeling and breathing. Just breathing.

[[Ja...]]

Everhopeful. I just read all of our buddies replays to your post. I really hope you realize how much your words and perspective help so many of us. I know I need my dose of Everhopeful every day because a good dose of your perspective really helps balance out my four daily doses of the poison clonazapam. Hope everyone is ok. Will check back in later. 

[[Ev...]]

That is very kind of you MTfan and Jayne.  I appreciate your kind words very much.  Being here and helping each other get through the rough stuff helps us too. That is what makes support groups so successful.  I have had a life time of some pretty challenging life lessons and I had to decide whether it was going to take me out or wake me up and lift me up.  Thank goodness I chose the latter.  It's work, really it is but it is not impossible.  Just the learning to accept yourself as you are and be okay with that is one of the biggest steps ever.  For us feeling not so good getting off of powerful meds, learning that the experience of not so good is not any different than the experience of really good.  They are both on the same continuum but maybe just at different degrees.  It's hard to "feel" that one really well but with practice and embracing everything you are and shifting your thoughts just a little, you can feel better even going through yucky parts of this process.  Its an attitude really.  I'm grateful for this experience even if in some moments I forget.  So, I come here and am reminded.  We'll all be okay, in fact, we already are okay, the rest is just a process we will get through.

 

I'm day 2 after my last reduction and I feel strange a little but totally okay.  I went to work, I had fun, I laughed, I made it through irritating gridlock and rude drivers who don't get that if you allow people to merge like a zipper, we all get home on time and I didn't have to cook dinner.  Grabbed some fast food - unhealthy nasty fast food but my kids were delighted, my partner will be happy and the rest of the night, I can just chill or meditate, watch videos and get more educated.  We're not broken and don't need fixing.  We just need to see how amazing we are and then it changes this journey.

 

Oh gosh, a little encouragement and I've rambled again.  I do that too much.  LOL  Any way, I wish you both a good day, night and a great weekend. 

 

Peace to all, comfort to all and healing to all!

 

Ever...

[[Ja...]]

Got a 5am call from the school district that due to the snow we are on a 3 hour delay. It's so beautiful out. Made a fire and Brewer a pot of coffee. Just had my morning dose of poison. But as usual it is balanced out by Everhopefuls and all my buddies posts. Great day everyone 

[[MT...]]

After what felt like a disastrous day at work on Tuesday, I had a good day yesterday. I was able to access my brain better, organize my work and thoughts, and didn't feel like I was wearing a scarlet L (for loser) on my shirt. Today my mood is pretty good and almost no anxiety. Yay!

[[Ja...]]

Ever hope you are feeling better from your recent cut.  MTFan glad you are feeling a little relief. They ended up cancelling school today. It was wonderful to watch the snow come down and have nothing to do but a little laundry and take my daughter to to barn. Hope everyone has a good night

[[Ja...]]

Had several pretty good days.

Haven't started the taper yet but my mood and optimism is better

If I could wrap my head around the daily taper I will start

Waiting for the go sign from my doctor

Positivity helps!

I noticed in a wave I talked to someone in recovery. In 25 min the feeling in my chest go a lot better. So much power in the mind!!

[[Ev...]]

How's this for a happy thought...This week I did my normal .125 reduction Wednesday.  Was symptom free Friday so cut another .125.  Still symptom free at .625.  Well, I should say "bothersome symptom free."  I had read that the lower you go the worse you feel.  I have to say that at least right now, that has not been my experience.  At first I was fearful about reductions and I felt them more.  After talking with my counselor and ditching the fear no matter what I've read of the experiences of others, I do not have bothersome symptoms that are not outside of my normal range of experience in life.  Other than 40 lb weight gain.  I'm sure at some point that will come off. I gained 20 lbs per year on benzos roughly.  I'm not happy about that but I'm dealing with it.  I just bought bigger clothes and went with it.  Suddenly now, my clothes fit better.  I am now pretty low in both clonazepam and gabapentin so the belly swell is visibly going down.  I'm so grateful.  I was starting to look like I had a beer belly.  On a woman who has been completely healthy her whole life and at a perfect weight, that has been a hard one and I agonized over it the last few years.  But then my MBSR class landed in my lap and started to change my thinking.  The weight gain was like one arrow shot into me from the meds.  My stressing about it was the second arrow into me self-inflicted and then the negative emotion I allowed was like the third arrow I shot into myself.  This was a very negative spiral.  So, I just stopped with the negative thoughts and emotion and just kept focused on my taper...now the swelling and water rentention is easing.  My rings fit again.  My pants fit again.  My skirts fit again and I've not lost any weight.  I also started exercising again - short bursts of high-intensity body weight only work outs followed by meditation (rest) and my body is getting toned, I'm building muscle and when I'm off these meds, I'm just certain the weight will come off too.  All it took was a change in attitude.

 

This will sound really weird but you know what?  This process is one I'm so grateful for.  I have been horribly humbled by it and then graciously humbled by it.  I've been leveled, given up control and learned that nothing is in my control and I feel okay with that.  I can be in the moment and let the "what ifs" come and go like clouds floating across the sky...(Thank you CALM app).  I'm getting closer to done at .625 now of clonazepam and 600 mgs of gabapentin.  In the coming weeks I'll be done with both meds and I'm excited and not fearful.  Every reduction, I actually feel better because I feel more of the real me and not the medicated me viewing my life and this world.  I have to say, I fully embrace this process for the good!  It will be good!  It will be fine!  I'm okay and will continue to be no matter what I face.  I challenge any thought that is fear producing and embrace anything that supports me thoughtwise in a positive way only.  I've become a positive thought junkie - oh noes!  LOL  It's really wonderful to feel things, emotion, the sensations as my brain rewires...I embrace and face it all with positive affirmation. It helps so much. 

 

I need more decaf.  Wishing you all super amazing and wonderful positive thoughts for self, for this experience and for your ultimate success!

 

Ever...

[[Gr...]]

I just found this positive thread and so glad to see it! I completely believe that our attitudes and beliefs shape our experiences and health.

 

So here's what I'm grateful about with this journey. 1) I've always wanted to kick that desire for one glass of wine at night with dinner. I worried it wasn't a good example for my two teen sons. With withdrawing I have found a new passion for hot tea. I actually enjoy it a lot better than wine and my kids can enjoy the hot tea with me. We are coming up with all kinds of interesting tea combinations. 2) I've quit coffee and enjoy (you guessed it!) tea. 3) I have helped about four to five people who had no idea that they couldn't stop their benzos cold turkey and who also didn't realize that they aren't good for you long term. 4) I have a lot more compassion toward others; and 5) I have always struggled with patience, but this tapering is requiring me to be patient. 5) My doctor is using Benzo Buddies to help his mother get off of Xanax. I'm grateful that he's humble enough to acknowledge he had no clue about a slow taper and was glad to learn about BB. So far I have yet to meet a doctor (including a psychiatrist) who knew how to safely taper. Interestingly, these doctors thanked me for the information.

 

I wish all of you a joyful weekend!

[[Ja...]]

Jackson1. Good to see you found Everhopefuls site.

[[wa...]]

Thanks Everhope and all for this topic.  Ever - the "second arrow" concept I remember from the hard days i was trying to attach to my adopted son.  The first arrow would be me lashing out at him out of complete exasperation and the second arrow would be  at myself for losing it.  I thought I was a bad Mom.

 

Now - with w/d keeping me at home alot and less active (lots of time in the bedroom watching TCM) - I worry I am still not a good Mom.  But hanging around the house with my troubled, traumatized son is exactly what he needs.  So I just decided to be cool with the anxiety.  Be emotionally available instead of doing, doing, doing. Accept, accept, accept.  W

[Guest [On...]]

I just found this thread and it is just what I needed! I still struggle with panic and anxiety and am reducing - although not actually tapering - Xanax (I take it "as needed" for panic, so not every day). I've managed to get off of klonopin (and two antidepressants) and feel like I'm finally turning a corner (although I'm having a bit of a rough night).

 

Overall my panic and anxiety is lessening in frequency and intensity. I feel more clear-headed and positive and just, well, better.  I played golf yesterday afternoon and then went out to dinner and didn't have any panic or anxiety! Yay! I even hit a few decent shots on the links.

 

I've been feeling more like getting outside in the fresh air and sunshine and walking with a girlfriend. I've started getting some projects at home taken care of. I really think I've reached some sort of turning point!

 

I'm certainly learning a lot about myself, my amazing husband, and self care on this journey. I wish the lessons weren't always so difficult but I think they are important.

[[Ev...]]

I am so glad I found this thread.  I feel so bad for everyone having a hard time withdrawing from their meds.  Reading all these stories had me second guessing my thoughts of going off my Xanax.  I so wanted to but hated the thought of going through all the things I've been reading.  My SO told me to stop reading and looking up things, he said it was making me crazy.  I love your outlook EverHopeful even through I've never really been the type of person that looked on the positive sides of things.  Trying to change that about myself.

 

I just started tapering off and saw my doctor yesterday.  He supports my decision and said that tapering off is the best way to do this.  I had a great day yesterday, no anxiety and I would love to think things will stay this way until my next cut next Monday.  I'm not crazy and realize that I may hit a wave before then.  I hope not...but who knows.

 

Thank you to the one that started this thread!! 

 

DonnaQ - that is great news that you are moving forward.  It always seems easy to get fearful reading some of the stories here. Just remember, everyone is different, everyone has different gentics and every one has different outcomes.  But, we all ultimately make it to the same place - sweet freedom.  Learning how to deal with what we have to deal with is just as important as the reductions.  I strongly recommend Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction.  It has really saved me, stopped panic attacks in their tracks and even gets me to sleep when the chemically produced anxiety feels like it might get the best of me.  I stay calm and don't add to it with frustrating or fearful thoughts.  Good stuff.  You can Google it or on My Buddy Blog, in one of the first few posts, I think I included the link.  If I didn't just remind me and I'm happy to post it here too.

 

Sending you very positive thoughts and vibes.  You can do this.  We all can do this and will be free.

 

Ever...

[[Ro...]]

Bumppppppp— let’s see the positives! So sad this thread “tapered” away, pun intended ♥️♥️♥️

[[Ha...]]

My head has just cleared a little and my depression has gone with it. Sat here with a smile on my face 🤣🤣🤣. Getting there slowly....

[[ca...]]

Great thread, thanks for the revival!

 

copy/paste from an early entry in my blog January 2021:

Issues over the last 6 months since seizure episode: brain-fog/lack of clarity, muscle aches & pains, increased anxiety, extreme tiredness, irritated by loud noises, lack of appetite, nausea, headaches, lack of coordination, nightmares, waking up crying, slurry speech when tired (pm).

 

I was unable to continue working because of my symptoms.

 

Current issues: tremor, increased heart rate/pulsatile tinnitus/palpitations, lack of stamina/motivation and topsy turvy sleep that is improving.

I also have some allergic conjunctivitis type issues and treatment is not working so maybe withdrawal?

 

Overall, if I compare my symptoms to before tapering, I feel that I have made a lot of progress  and I don't feel anywhere near as miserable as I was in January 

 

 

 

[[Pa...]]

I had no idea this thread existed but I'm happy to see it! 

[[Ro...]]

Today is one month off!

I had to go to Walmart to get keys made— during my wait for someone to come to the counter I started to panic, I had my son with me so withdrawing entirely into myself wasn’t an option. Instead I said “ I can get keys later, let go get icecream” and just like that I avoids sheer panic all while hiding my anxiety from my son— in doing so I did resolve what was surely and quickly turning into a full blown panic attack 🥳🥳🥳🥳

[[Pa...]]

Today is one month off!

I had to go to Walmart to get keys made— during my wait for someone to come to the counter I started to panic, I had my son with me so withdrawing entirely into myself wasn’t an option. Instead I said “ I can get keys later, let go get icecream” and just like that I avoids sheer panic all while hiding my anxiety from my son— in doing so I did resolve what was surely and quickly turning into a full blown panic attack 🥳🥳🥳🥳

 

You're already using smart tools that will help you stay away from these awful medications for the rest of your life, way to go!

[[2c...]]

I can’t believe I haven’t seen this thread! I noticed there are several pages already so that shows how much we all needed this positivity!

 

Well, here’s my positive news, I’m down to half of my starting dose! Tapering 1 yr. And…..I actually slept about 7 hrs last night.  It was broken up but that’s ok!

 

Woo hoo!

[[Be...]]

I’m able to handle the panic/terror/fear way better - even though it’s scary as hell - I know now that it’s not going to be this way forever.

[[Lo...]]

I can’t believe I haven’t seen this thread! I noticed there are several pages already so that shows how much we all needed this positivity!

 

Well, here’s my positive news, I’m down to half of my starting dose! Tapering 1 yr. And…..I actually slept about 7 hrs last night.  It was broken up but that’s ok!

 

Woo hoo!

 

Way to go!  I'm right there with you.... a tiny bit further along, but still.  You're doing great!! 

[[2c...]]

I can’t believe I haven’t seen this thread! I noticed there are several pages already so that shows how much we all needed this positivity!

 

Well, here’s my positive news, I’m down to half of my starting dose! Tapering 1 yr. And…..I actually slept about 7 hrs last night.  It was broken up but that’s ok!

 

Woo hoo!

 

Lori0413

Great job tapering… it looks like your going slow and steady with holds as you need them.

 

Today I filled my script and am down to 45 pills from 60.  That seems like a milestone to me. Yay!

 

Way to go!  I'm right there with you.... a tiny bit further along, but still.  You're doing great!!

[[Ro...]]

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate! I’m thankful to be benzo free for 5 weeks! ♥️ Today I woke up with dizziness but it’s lessened tremendously since I began my journey!