Protracted, need hope and support

[[Pa...]]

Thanks NotImportant, I added the month into your signature.  Its actually good news that you've only been benzo free since Jan 2021, this means you're not considered protracted yet but recovering.  We don't typically call someone protracted until they're around 2 years. 

[[No...]]

Ok, what about first withdrawal? I counted that.  I hope it is something good actually. Thank you Pam.

[[Pa...]]

We wouldn't count the first withdrawal in terms of recovery, your last one is, but it could definitely have played a role in your subsequent withdrawal making it more miserable since it likely meant you were kindled.

[[No...]]

What means kindled, I still believe somehow I am in first withdrawal.

[[Pa...]]

These are two definitions, let us know if you think it applies to you.

 

Kindling - The Alliance for Benzodiazepine Best Practices

https://benzoreform.org/kindling/

 

Kindling - Benzodiazepine Information Coalition

https://www.benzoinfo.com/kindling/

 

[[No...]]

These are two definitions, let us know if you think it applies to you.

 

Kindling - The Alliance for Benzodiazepine Best Practices

https://benzoreform.org/kindling/

 

Kindling - Benzodiazepine Information Coalition

https://www.benzoinfo.com/kindling/

 

That is not good news. Definitely could be. You think I'm in last wd but kindled? I've had attack.

Hard to think about it.

It can't happen again? My  last doctor said it is resolved it won't happen again.

Doctors thought I overdosed and my family, but this last doctor told it was attack.

 

[[Pa...]]

I believe your symptoms are from your last withdrawal, this news isn't bad, but it could explain the intensity of your symptoms.  What's done is done but knowing about kindling is a good thing because if you're ever faced with taking benzo's again this should be taken into consideration.

[[No...]]

I believe your symptoms are from your last withdrawal, this news isn't bad, but it could explain the intensity of your symptoms.  What's done is done but knowing about kindling is a good thing because if you're ever faced with taking benzo's again this should be taken into consideration.

 

Never again, by my will. Thank you for your information.

[[No...]]

I seriously doubt this gets better. I went out walking on my own alone across the city. Panic, fear, every second of it, fainting, I thought I was gonna hit with myself somewhere. I just don't believe it, my anxiety, depression since I've quit smoking are not better, they're worse. Yet I can't decide what to do with myself.

I will just overdo myself, too muck walks during last few days, but I don't what to do. Its getting warmer and warmer here.

[[Th...]]

I wished to pass out from the panic and fear before. Anxiety going up after you quit smoking make a lot of sense. I know a lot of my friends smoked because of anxiety. Have you quit in the last few months? I was kindled twice being already in withdrawal. If you do something to kindle yourself you have to wait it out. It took me some months to feel better but it did get better. I avoided anything that could possibly kindle me again.

 

My brother's girlfriend didn't understand and said some kind of brush off things about it.

I asked have you ever been in a panic attack?

She said yes.

Good, I said, now imagine that never goes away.

 

But it will get better.

I did walks. Showers sometimes helped but sometimes really didn't. I held a heating pad to my chest when I was in bed. I couldn't really distract from it. Sleeping was a good escape when I didn't have nightmares. I would pace my room or hallway.

 

It seems like it isn't going to end and there is no sign of it letting up, but in withdrawal that doesn't mean anything. Symptoms fade away over time or just come and go for others. Sometimes they just lessen a bit then go bad then better.

 

Hang in there.

[[No...]]

I wished to pass out from the panic and fear before. Anxiety going up after you quit smoking make a lot of sense. I know a lot of my friends smoked because of anxiety. Have you quit in the last few months? I was kindled twice being already in withdrawal. If you do something to kindle yourself you have to wait it out. It took me some months to feel better but it did get better. I avoided anything that could possibly kindle me again.

 

My brother's girlfriend didn't understand and said some kind of brush off things about it.

I asked have you ever been in a panic attack?

She said yes.

Good, I said, now imagine that never goes away.

 

But it will get better.

I did walks. Showers sometimes helped but sometimes really didn't. I held a heating pad to my chest when I was in bed. I couldn't really distract from it. Sleeping was a good escape when I didn't have nightmares. I would pace my room or hallway.

 

It seems like it isn't going to end and there is no sign of it letting up, but in withdrawal that doesn't mean anything. Symptoms fade away over time or just come and go for others. Sometimes they just lessen a bit then go bad then better.

 

Hang in there.

 

I think anything can kindle me and sent me into wave, I'm giving up on walking for good, in time to not cause myself a wave, I can't do that to myself in this situation. I never learn, to not push myself. I'm thinking about getting back to cigaretes, I quit last month. exactly one month ago. Yes, I know people smoke because of anxiety. What it is from withdrawal, what it is from pre-existing issues, what it is from nicotine withdrawal, what else?

I doubt it gets better, well at this point I doubt everything. Thank you.

[[No...]]

I had to walk today again. Had to go to the bank to pay to this women. I'm worried and afraid of another wave. Anything could send me, I'm overdoing things. I won't walk again anywhere. It's not that I'm afraid, this is killing me. Then I get these obsessions because I wrote I'm afraid. Man shouldn't be afraid of anything right? I thought I wasn't I lost every sense of my self. I hate all this.

I will write now that I'm scared and afraid so let's see what happens. I hope to pass out already. Now I feel shame of this anxiety or just shame or guilt? Men shouldn't be afraid, its humiliation, for me at least. Well whatever I do it doesn't get better. Of course, just torture and pain.

Then obsessions to delete what I wrote about fear. Never ending cycle continues. Again I'm trying to write I'm not afraid as it calms me down? What is this?

I feel terrible. I think all these are these intrusive thoughts.

I will probably edit this message again to delete this what I wrote here.

I really hate my life now.

[[Th...]]

Hey. It's ok. There is nothing wrong with what you wrote. Many of us have gone through it. Also don't want to leave my house for the same reason. Waves are F'n scary. And the obsession that our brain makes us feel doesn't help. It is a cycle. But don't be ashamed of it. At least not here. We understand. I want to write more but the screen is giving me aka in my legs. But I know how it is to live in fear that doesn't go away.

 

I kept going back to the quote

"Sometimes fear does not subside and one must choose to do it afraid."

 

Take it easy on yourself. If you don't have to go places it ok to hide in bed.

[[No...]]

Thank you. How are you doing? I’m a man and I feel really embarassed feeling this way and being

In this situation. This ruins life on so many levels. Well, we should take

It

Easy as we can. Keep going, i dont know what else to say.

[[Th...]]

It sucks that there is more pressure on you if your male.  : (

As if gender will protect you from this more.

I don't care if the strongest man in the world has this. It sucks and you shouldn't have expectations to do more than what no normal person can in this situation.

 

It really does ruin things on so many levels.

 

I think we just say things when we need to say them or want to be heard. But you summed it up, Keep going.

I'm glad you posted it's good to see familiar people around, no matter what they say.

[[No...]]

I agree, I should go easy on myself and all of us should. This is hardest thing out there I believe and who knows what future waits for us.

It ruins everything, I honestly don't know how to keep moving, just keep going or what.

Thank you for posting and I'm also glad  you've posted and seeing familiar people here. Today nothing changed at all, I'm so bored of this at the same time. I have conversation with this woman later. We will see.

[[Th...]]

I doubt it gets better, well at this point I doubt everything. Thank you.

That is the nature of the beast.

 

I have been told, This is the hardest thing you will ever have to do.

 

I'm in a wait and see what happens state.

 

It's hard to keep going. A lot of days I wake up and think, I'm done, this is getting old. But nothing stops so I keep going. I think how am I going to make it through today? I suppose the same way I made it through yesterday.

 

I sorry you have to go talk to that woman. Honestly I don't really like talking in general. But it sounds draining.

[[No...]]

It is the hardest thing and I'm not sure I'm able and willing to do all of this, I lose will everyday again.

Whatever I do, no change, nothing changes. I don't even know how to express myself, everything hurts, this is path to death. My sxs are 24/7, repetitive, hard, boring. This therapist said to me maybe after 2months this problems after quitting nicotine will subside, I doubt everything as I said.

I know how hard and what you mean by that is to keep going. I kindled also and what I didn't do. Lost everything, I really can't stand this. Hope you'll find some way. I talked with her yesterday, she gave me some tips with breathing and to take walks, we'll see how it goes in advance.

Draining is everything, yet this loneliness I feel along with this monophobia, sick intrusive thoughts 24/7 torture I don't know. Luckily, there are good people on this forum, who obviously went through lot.

I'm so sick and tired of it.

[[No...]]

I really give up on ever getting better. This is not real. Who ever tells different, I dont buy it anymore. This is not for humans.

[[Th...]]

This is not for humans. What a true statement.

 

I don't give up. but don't expect either. Both can lead you down a bad path. A little hope is nice.

 

The loneliness is hard. I don't want to be around people so why do I feel it? We need our human connection I guess.

So right, so glad for these forums.

 

The intrusive thoughts aren't you but they hella suck. Things I would have never thought about. I'm not that person.

 

Yeah tried acupuncture, reiki, saw doctors, nothing but waiting seemed to do anything. It sucks that you can't express yourself. It's hard. I used to collect tea cups. During this process I destroyed about 4 of them, because trying to get out what I was feeling was more important than tea cups.

 

I just want to be that person who likes dumb teacups!

 

But things are better 6 months later. Not great but not hell.

As you say these symptoms get old and tiring fast. The change is so slow you can't see it until its in your face.

 

Will we go back to skipping through the sun eating icecream?

 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ who knows.

 

But that no betterment of anything is unlikely.

 

 

Wake up. lose will. Make it to bed. Repeat. The days with no hope whatsoever are the hardest. But keep making it to the end of the day. It will be for the days you do have hope.

My brain tells me this is forever now. But things have lightened so maybe not.

 

It's hell, hang on. But something will improve. And when it does. Something may improve again. There is no reason to think you can't be one of those people that do get better.

 

Also therapist are scary. Not bad, but they wear me out. Let me know how the breathing goes. I could never get that down.

[[No...]]

What does it mean to act on these thoughts, it seems i act all time on this thoughts?

GirlStitch, I will answer to you later, I need to prepare myself kind of.

[[No...]]

This is not for humans. What a true statement.

 

I don't give up. but don't expect either. Both can lead you down a bad path. A little hope is nice.

 

The loneliness is hard. I don't want to be around people so why do I feel it? We need our human connection I guess.

So right, so glad for these forums.

 

The intrusive thoughts aren't you but they hella suck. Things I would have never thought about. I'm not that person.

 

Yeah tried acupuncture, reiki, saw doctors, nothing but waiting seemed to do anything. It sucks that you can't express yourself. It's hard. I used to collect tea cups. During this process I destroyed about 4 of them, because trying to get out what I was feeling was more important than tea cups.

 

I just want to be that person who likes dumb teacups!

 

But things are better 6 months later. Not great but not hell.

As you say these symptoms get old and tiring fast. The change is so slow you can't see it until its in your face.

 

Will we go back to skipping through the sun eating icecream?

 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ who knows.

 

But that no betterment of anything is unlikely.

 

 

Wake up. lose will. Make it to bed. Repeat. The days with no hope whatsoever are the hardest. But keep making it to the end of the day. It will be for the days you do have hope.

My brain tells me this is forever now. But things have lightened so maybe not.

 

It's hell, hang on. But something will improve. And when it does. Something may improve again. There is no reason to think you can't be one of those people that do get better.

 

Also therapist are scary. Not bad, but they wear me out. Let me know how the breathing goes. I could never get that down.

 

I guess we need human connection yes, I  need along this monophobia which is relenentless like any other piece of this.

It seems waiting also didn't do anything?

How are you doing now?

I doubt we will do that in summer, it is what it is.

I was out now, it was recipe from hell, where is God in all this, does he really exist. I doubt so very much at this moment. I had to stand by some piece of commercial there to not fall, I don't care. Whoever tells this goes away, I don't trust him anymore. I don't wanna talk about myself as something special, but why then I don't see anything? Maybe there isn't anything in sight. I just need continue accepting it is like it is and it is going to be forever. And to let go off everything and prepare to living in hell like always.

I have these obsessive thoughts about horoscope, yes, really I am interested in horoscope, then about devil that he is behind horoscope, then obsessions start to start search for my rising sun and this goes on for 5, 6 years, all my thoughts are going on for like 6 years, specifically 8 years, since tolerance i guess.

I hate this all so much, I can't get 5 minutes of break. Yet I'm alone in this.

I'll let you now how this breating goes, yesterday it helped me.

 

[[Th...]]

The monophobia is hard, it makes trying to support ourselves so much harder.

 

I am doing ok. I have been worse, so I hope things get better. I have trouble eating and emotion regulation. Bad thoughts and feelings. there are others but those are the top ones.

 

I can't say if we we will be skipping through the summer fields of flowers one day, like you said, whatever will be will be, we don't have control over it but we can do what we can to hang on through hell until something hopefully changes for the better.

 

Even if you are just in a position to accept that this is all its going to be like forever, you keep going long enough and you eventually you might notice a change.

Survive long enough to live. is what I tell myself.

 

Withdrawal has us go through this pretty much alone, after all no one else can get inside our heads and take that burden. If nothing else we have the forums and everyone on there to share and find comradery with. 

 

Its good to hear the breathing helped the other day. I hope that continues.

[[No...]]

Well thank you, I hope things will get better for you.

I've had this fears, not like this but I had them, I was afraid on my own to sleep, to fall asleep, to be alone, to do things on my, or did that really was like that, maybe that's not true how could I remember.

I hate anxiety, I hate it. A lot of childhood fears, all off them are back xxxxx times worse than ever to haunt me.

I had a lot of diagnosis in this withdrawal state that lasts six years more or less so, maybe they are really true, and this anxiety and everything. In what to believe.

Did you have monophobia, yes monophobia is hard, along with these childhood fears for me, awful. I totally lose myself when I'm alone. Afraid of myself? Going really crazy.

Whatever will be will be, right, yes we could try or just give up I dont know anymore. I'm sick of it.

Just to survive or live right, I know and I understand that.

Keep going, what to say GirlStitch.

And yes, we are all alone in this.

 

[[Th...]]

Yes. Had monophobia when I was young. It was my worst fear back then. I was afraid to be left at the house alone and would often go lay on the floor in my parents room at night.

When I got withdrawal the monophobia was way worse than when I was young.

I am afraid to be left alone in my thoughts. They are not good. I never had it this bad.

I understand you are sick of it. I don't want you to have to be here. I wish I could push you out of this hole.

Like you said, we keep going