I ruined my life. I don’t see any of this getting better.

[[Ic...]]

I don't have the motivation and my depression is horrible. I go to bed in full on panic and hardly get any sleep. Mornings are brutal because of the anxiety and insomnia. However, I have to go work. But, I noticed that even without motivation, depression, and a foggy brain, getting out is more helpful than just sitting around in my misery. That's why I say a part time job. If you get fired, it isn't ruining your career. You've got to try though. Don't give these drugs that power.

[[SF...]]

Honestly I don’t even know where to start. If I had an established career to return to I could see doing it but I have lost everything to this drug. I don’t even see myself getting out of bed right now. Evertime I attempt it feels like a mistake

[[Be...]]

That’s great you’re talking to a therapist. Ask your therapist to help you find a benzo withdrawal physician. Do a google search of doctors in your area & call them one by one & ask if they are educated in benzo withdrawal.  You could also put up a separate post here. Ask someone to DM you the details of their physician, call them & ask if they know anyone in your area.

 

Thankfully you don’t need to know how to cook to make yourself whole foods. If you can cook eggs you can turn the oven on & make yourself a simple meal. Trust me you can do this. What you feed yourself is so important right now. Stay away from sugar, dairy, processed foods. Eat simple meals with no herbs or spices - stay away from MSG; salt, gluten & grains too. You’re gonna be bored as hell with your diet but believe me it will help. Just do one thing at a time. Stop expecting miracles - look for tiny improvements.  In the thick of withdrawal I was so bad I couldn’t see straight so the fact you can post on here is a good sign,.  Stop expecting your Mom to save you. Start saving yourself,  you can do this, if you can even cook yourself eggs this iscc c a very good sign that you’re eating, I didn’t eat a thing for weeks & weeks, you are getting better - your brain is healing, have this on repeat in your head.

[[SF...]]

Pacenik I didn’t understand what you were saying in the early morning about withdrawal but now I get it. I suppose I can reinstate if things don’t get better but I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that

[Guest [pa...]]

First, given that you suffer withdrawal you're already physically dependant on benzos, so there's no danger of developing a habit, it's already there. Second, once you're physically dependent on benzos they don't actually do anything for you except keep withdrawal symptoms at bay. Third, on benzos your baseline is actually lower than if you were benzo-free (and not in withdrawal), you sleep worse, your congition is worse, etc.

[[SF...]]

I feel as though I need to keep powering through in case things improve. There’s no guarantee I can find a benzo educated doctor and will be put on a good taper plan, and I’m already 3 1/2 months off. But at least I know the option is there if I need it.

[[ne...]]

My life is ruined

oh, you took a small dose of valium for less than a year?  you'll be fine

[[SF...]]

My life is ruined

oh, you took a small dose of valium for less than a year?  you'll be fine

I wasn’t in withdrawal until I was given ativan and sleeping pills. And my withdrawals have been severe. I haven’t been fine at all. Maybe learn how to read? Using that emoji is rude as hell. I’ve had my entire life taken away from me by this experience.

[[Be...]]

I feel as though I need to keep powering through in case things improve. There’s no guarantee I can find a benzo educated doctor and will be put on a good taper plan, and I’m already 3 1/2 months off. But at least I know the option is there if I need it.

 

Whateveryou do - do not reinstate. you have made it nearly 4 months off - you can do this.

[[di...]]

My life is ruined

oh, you took a small dose of valium for less than a year?  you'll be fine

I wasn’t in withdrawal until I was given ativan and sleeping pills. And my withdrawals have been severe. I haven’t been fine at all. Maybe learn how to read? Using that emoji is rude as hell. I’ve had my entire life taken away from me by this experience.

Maybe it was a little insensitive but you're not listening to anyone. All what you're going through, the severity of the experience, the unrelenting constant nature for months at a time... people get through this at three times your age. You're not fine, but you will be fine.

[Guest [pa...]]

My life is ruined

oh, you took a small dose of valium for less than a year?  you'll be fine

I wasn’t in withdrawal until I was given ativan and sleeping pills. And my withdrawals have been severe. I haven’t been fine at all. Maybe learn how to read? Using that emoji is rude as hell. I’ve had my entire life taken away from me by this experience.

Maybe it was a little insensitive but you're not listening to anyone. All what you're going through, the severity of the experience, the unrelenting constant nature for months at a time... people get through this at three times your age. You're not fine, but you will be fine.

 

He'll be fine, the problem is his family isn't supportive. But he also doesn't want to reinstate in order to be functional. There's not much more we can do for him on this forum. If he wants to wait it out then he should ask people about their personal experiences with supplements with regards to symptoms.

 

[[Th...]]

I can’t deal with this for that long. I had to drop all of my classes and my Mom expects me to be able to go to school in the Spring. I can’t read, watch movies, listen to music or play video games. Nothing brings me joy and my focus isn’t there. My mind is always worried. I’ve lost everything to this.

 

WD symptoms and intensity are not the same the entire time.

 

I asked another BB when he felt better and he said around 14 months.  I said the same thing.  "I can't wait that long to feel better."

 

But what other choice do you really have?  As I said, symptoms WAX and wane in intensity.  Some symptoms disappear and gradually they all fade.  It's very UP and down for sometime for most

 

It's a real roller coaster ride, BUT it ENDS!

 

It's all Temporary!  It doesn't last forever, although it sure feels like it could.

 

If I had a $1 for every time I thought I would never heal and would be stuck for life, I seriously could have retired years ago.

 

You'll get there.  It gets better.

[[Th...]]

Hey The Way2, how is your life better than before benzos? Your posts are always inspirational. I've been leaning heavily on yours and Jozef's posts and The Lovely Grind.

 

My life is better now, because I took it for granted prior to Benzo WD.  It was by far, the worst experience of my life.

 

I am much more thankful and grateful for each day, for being able to go to work, for being symptom free and for being able to get decent sleep every night.

 

Life is a gift, use it wisely! 

[Guest [pa...]]

My life is better now, because I took it for granted prior to Benzo WD.  It was by far, the worst experience of my life.

 

I am much more thankful and grateful for each day, for being able to go to work, for being symptom free and for being able to get decent sleep every night.

 

Life is a gift, use it wisely! 

Before benzos you're bothered by anything and everything, after surviving withdrawal you're just happy to be normal?

[[di...]]

We all need to listen to TheWay's inspirational story. We should all make a promise to our future selves that we will battle today so that we can one day be just like TheWay!

[Guest [pa...]]

I don't think anyone's afraid of gritting teeth, rather what people are afraid of is permanent symptoms. I know that I am.

[[SF...]]

My life is ruined

oh, you took a small dose of valium for less than a year?  you'll be fine

I wasn’t in withdrawal until I was given ativan and sleeping pills. And my withdrawals have been severe. I haven’t been fine at all. Maybe learn how to read? Using that emoji is rude as hell. I’ve had my entire life taken away from me by this experience.

Maybe it was a little insensitive but you're not listening to anyone. All what you're going through, the severity of the experience, the unrelenting constant nature for months at a time... people get through this at three times your age. You're not fine, but you will be fine.

This was equally as insensitive. I don't care, my life has been upended more than most people by what's happened to me. Also it's not true that I'm not listening to people. I would have much rather gone through this at three times my age.  That honestly sounds way better in my opinion.

[[SF...]]

My Mom came downstairs screaming at me because I woke up and started crying. She's threatening to have me kicked out or put in a home. My life is 100% over. I can't handle this. My entire family has collapsed because of this. All I asked for was a little help to get me through this and they don't help me. Even if I get better I've already lost my family to this. Screw anyone who belittles what I've been through.

[Guest [pa...]]

But if this is such a problem for you why don't you just reinstate? Then you can withdraw at three times your age. What else can we do to help you? We can't affect your family.

[[Gr...]]

I am not sure that you will be able to convince your mother of what you are going through is related to benzos or whatever, but maybe you can find some peace with her without needing to do that.  I agree with the poster who said to reduce conflict right now.  Deep down, your Mom probably just wants you to be okay.  Remember that. 

 

Also, regarding going to school in the Spring, that is many months away right now.  Who knows how you will feel by then.  Just worry about right now and the immediate future.

[[SF...]]

I am not sure that you will be able to convince your mother of what you are going through is related to benzos or whatever, but maybe you can find some peace with her without needing to do that.  I agree with the poster who said to reduce conflict right now.  Deep down, your Mom probably just wants you to be okay.  Remember that. 

 

Also, regarding going to school in the Spring, that is many months away right now.  Who knows how you will feel by then.  Just worry about right now and the immediate future.

My Mom is crying on the phone right now talking to someone and I think she's trying to find out what's wrong with me. I'm so scared. She refuses to accept that this is what it is. I was never like this until 3 months ago.

[[tr...]]

Ok I'm stepping in as a moderator now...friendly reminder...

 

There has been a great amount of awesome advice, and supportive encouragement from many. There's a couple of responses on here that I want to nicely remind we cannot be dismissive of someone's experience and condescend them bc they were "only on the drug a short while". We all know that short term users can enter into a world of hell.

 

Secondly, If you are a member who has offered advice but are frustrated at how you think it is/is not being received...just walk away from this thread and know you gave your perspective and leave it at that. Early in recovery I think we all remember how it feels to need frequent reassurance that our lives are not permanently in the toilet.

 

In the end, members will have to make their own choice on what is right for them. We all share and contribute on here, and should we get frustrated - step aside.  Remember benzo lies are loud..very loud.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

[[SF...]]

I can’t deal with this for that long. I had to drop all of my classes and my Mom expects me to be able to go to school in the Spring. I can’t read, watch movies, listen to music or play video games. Nothing brings me joy and my focus isn’t there. My mind is always worried. I’ve lost everything to this.

 

WD symptoms and intensity are not the same the entire time.

 

I asked another BB when he felt better and he said around 14 months.  I said the same thing.  "I can't wait that long to feel better."

 

But what other choice do you really have?  As I said, symptoms WAX and wane in intensity.  Some symptoms disappear and gradually they all fade.  It's very UP and down for sometime for most

 

It's a real roller coaster ride, BUT it ENDS!

 

It's all Temporary!  It doesn't last forever, although it sure feels like it could.

 

If I had a $1 for every time I thought I would never heal and would be stuck for life, I seriously could have retired years ago.

 

You'll get there.  It gets better.

It’s not about whether or not I have a choice. My relationship with my family has already hit rock bottom from 3 months. I’m just telling them I’m suffering and need help getting through this period and they’re adamant that it’s not real and they’re becoming angry with me. I was crying this morning and my Mom flipped out on me. I really need to be able to cry through this. My family has made clear they need the old me back now and I’ve tried but I’m not there right now.

 

Thank you for the hope. I need anything I can hold on to right now.

 

I’m praying that I’m healing

[[Gr...]]

Hey SFGiant, I know you are suffering right now.  This blog by Baylissa talks about how hurtful it is when family and friends dismiss our pain.  https://www.recoverystories.info/support-for-those-in-withdrawal-who-struggle-with-family-friends-not-understanding-by-baylissa-frederick/

 

And this post is for friends and family about benzo withdrawal, if your family would read it.  I know some won't and you can't do anything about it.  https://w-bad.org/family-and-friends-this-ones-for-you/

[[SF...]]

Hey SFGiant, I know you are suffering right now.  This blog by Baylissa talks about how hurtful it is when family and friends dismiss our pain.  https://www.recoverystories.info/support-for-those-in-withdrawal-who-struggle-with-family-friends-not-understanding-by-baylissa-frederick/

 

And this post is for friends and family about benzo withdrawal, if your family would read it.  I know some won't and you can't do anything about it.  https://w-bad.org/family-and-friends-this-ones-for-you/

Thank you. That helped for me to read. My Mom won't read anything or accept the reality of this situation, she just wants me to deal with it on my own.

 

I just received a call from the hospital and they said they can potentially get me in for an urgent appointment tomorrow. The advice nurse suggested on the call that I pick up my valium prescription from the pharmacy but I told her that I was worried I would just prolong the withdrawal. I'm still terrified that whatever happens I could end up worse, but it's a start I suppose.