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I ruined my life. I don’t see any of this getting better.


[SF...]

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Today was the first day of my life I didn’t get out of bed. I was a happy person before all this happened. I went on the valium for anxiety that wasn’t even that bad in retrospect. I’m 3 months off and I’m not getting better at all. Some of my symptoms seem to be changing but the worst one is crippling depression and it’s there every single day. The derealization and the brain fog are absolutely crippling as well. The intrusive looping thoughts are awful as well. None of those elements have shown any sign of improvement in 3 months causing me to be bedridden.

 

I want to have a positive outlook. I’m trying so hard to believe healing will take place. But I don’t believe it’s going to happen. This drug has stolen everything from me.

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[3f...]
Well, there are things that you could try, but unfortunately you don't have support of your family and physicians so it's hard to suggest anything.
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My Mom is a Nurse and she only trusts physicians. She told me tonight that this isn’t benzo withdrawal and I’m just acting irrationally. I’m really scared because she thinks I need to be hospitalized and refuses to talk to me about what I’m going through.

 

I basically need to turn a corner in my recovery and it needs to happen right now. I don’t think that’s going to happen. As far as I can tell my withdrawal is starting to appear protracted

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[3f...]
But there's more than one physician in the world. Most physicians don't share the opinion of your mother's boss. And Heather Ashton was the world's leading expert on psychopharmacology. I guess you could try finding a benzo-aware doctor, like e.g. Stuart Shipko and ask him if he would talk to your mother.
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Do you think the best path forward would be to reinstate through a benzo-wise physician? I’m just not sure about how to find someone like that. I’m 3 months into a cold turkey off of a relatively low dose of valium. I think the ativan I was given at the hospital is why my withdrawal is so severe.

 

Do you think it’s not worth sticking out my CT? I don’t feel like I’m getting any better but it’s hard to tell. I’m in a really stressful situation.

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I know it's difficult, but I'm sure you said you had a window the other day? That's a good sign you are healing, and 3 months is far from being protracted, so I would try to get that out of your head.

 

Have you given thought to finding a psychiatrist? A good 1 would hopefully be benzo aware, and I'm sure willing to speak with your mother, and hopefully convince her that it's benzo withdrawal.

 

You could consider an AD, although it is risky starting 1 during withdrawal from what I understand. But if you really can't cope, then there is that option, again a good psychiatrist or even a doctor who could get your mum to understand would help there.

 

 

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[3f...]
Personally, I would prefer reinstatement to do a slow taper much preferable to starting antidepressants (or any other class of psychiatric drugs for that matter). In fact sticking out CT would also be preferable to starting another drug. The less polypharmacy the better, at least you know the cause of your problems. I mean what's the point in not being addicted to benzo if you're addicted to an antidepressant, gabapentin/pregabalin, or an antipsychotic, all of which can be much, much nastier than benzos. I would try flumazenil infusion before doing reinstatement, but you many not be able to get one where you live. Yeah, your dose of diazepam was really low (which is why doctor doesn't believe you, but most doctors aren't aware of sensitization/kindling), I have cold-turkeyed from much higher equivalent doses of diazepam before with no real issues, but on the other hand I never drank alcohol, and alcohol is cross-tolerant with benzos and sensitizes your CNS. It's true that those rescue doses could've made you worse off. My rescue doses of diazepam sent me into a world of hurt now that my CNS is sensitized after multiple CT withdrawals in the past two years.
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I was taking the valium as needed and never got sent into withdrawal as far as I could tell. It was only after I got hospitalized and given an ativan and sleeping pills and then came home that I was experiencing the withdrawal syndrome. I believe I was kindled. I also don’t think the valium alone at that low of a dose would cause this.
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Please hang in there. This is withdrawal. Your brain is healing - I promise. You will heal & one day look back on this & realise you are made of titanium. Most people don’t understand benzo withdrawal. Stop banging your head against the wall trying to make your mom understand. Find a benzo withdrawal educated physician. You did this cold turkey - that’s the worst way to get off Benzo’s - I know as I’ve done it. Stick with it - as you’re more than one month off Benzo’s it’s advused not to reinstate. Simple healthy diet. No sugar, dairy, processed foods etc. try yoga, meditation, Tai Chi. Give yourself permission just to get through this. You will heal, you will feel better. You will come out the other side, patience, love & acceptance. Stress & hating withdrawal will only make it worse.
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Please hang in there. This is withdrawal. Your brain is healing - I promise. You will heal & one day look back on this & realise you are made of titanium. Most people don’t understand benzo withdrawal. Stop banging your head against the wall trying to make your mom understand. Find a benzo withdrawal educated physician. You did this cold turkey - that’s the worst way to get off Benzo’s - I know as I’ve done it. Stick with it - as you’re more than one month off Benzo’s it’s advused not to reinstate. Simple healthy diet. No sugar, dairy, processed foods etc. try yoga, meditation, Tai Chi. Give yourself permission just to get through this. You will heal, you will feel better. You will come out the other side, patience, love & acceptance. Stress & hating withdrawal will only make it worse.

Thank you. At this point I feel completely incapacitated with depression and I’m stuck in bed for the majority of the day. I don’t know how to find a benzo wise physician and my mom won’t help me because she doesn’t believe in any of this stuff. I also don’t really know how to cook anything beyond eggs in the morning so changing my diet is mostly out of the question. I was doing cardio before this but then my town got blanketed in smoke from a wildfire, but even as that has gotten better I still don’t have the motivation to get out of bed. I’m talking with a therapist over the phone twice a week.

 

At this point I’m praying that my brain heals on its own. I’ve tried everything I can do and I feel no motivation at all. At this point I need to show improvement to even motivate myself out of bed.

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At this point it doesn’t matter if I get better at some point down the road. I’m only 27 and I haven’t accomplished any of the things I planned on in life. It’s already taken everything from me. I was a healthy 27 year old man at the beginning of this year and now I’ve lost everything
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I get that your emotions are all over the place but you can't allow them to rule over your head so easily. You must know that it matters a lot if you get better down the road. In fact, it's basically everything at the moment. It's totally normal at 27 years old to be finding your feet. If you have a long list of things you planned to do which you haven't accomplished, all that tells me is that you made too many plans.

 

Take the pressure off. You know you can't live like this so focus on getting well at the expense of everything. You can't convince your parents of the validity of what you are going through. Please stop trying for your own sake. I know that your parents will keep bringing it up. I encourage you to stay quiet when they keep repeating this sort of thing. You told them your position. What you can do is keep it civil even if you don't feel like it. Don't try to stick it to your parents in other ways because they are hurting you with their refusal to acknowledge your difficulties. Do the best that you can do, even knowing that you won't get recognition for it being good enough. All this is to eliminate the potential for conflict. You will be harder to argue with if you don't reveal your thoughts all the time.

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Took Klon 2 mgs for 5 years and CT no taper. You’re still very early on, you will get better in time. It’s difficult now to do anything, that’s normal don’t beat yourself up for it. It’s okay to stay in bed sometimes. You’ll heal regardless but faster if you can improve your diet, exercise regularly, meditate, diaphragmatic breathing. Our brains like every other part of our body heal, think about it.
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She’s not going to read anything. She threatens to have me hospitalized if I even bring it up. Unless I make a miraculous recovery this is going to be the end of my life as I know it.
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It's not the end of your life.

 

FAR from it.

 

I thought the same thing too.

 

The problem is expecting to be healed by a certain time or it's permanent!

 

Not true!  Benzo WD LIES!

 

You are healing even when it feels like you're getting worse

 

Time is the healer.  There are no shortcuts, potions, or pills you can take to speed up the healing process!

 

I was right were you are now 4 years ago.  I have been completely healed for over 2 years and living a better life than I did before Benzos!

 

You will too!

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Hey The Way2, how is your life better than before benzos? Your posts are always inspirational. I've been leaning heavily on yours and Jozef's posts and The Lovely Grind.

 

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I can’t deal with this for that long. I had to drop all of my classes and my Mom expects me to be able to go to school in the Spring. I can’t read, watch movies, listen to music or play video games. Nothing brings me joy and my focus isn’t there. My mind is always worried. I’ve lost everything to this.
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SF, I def see where you're coming from. I am a little older than you at 32 years old, but I am three months of a cold turkey. I was an in demand teacher of English in all grade levels and Social Studies of grades 4-8. I was about done with my PhD and had a part time college job lined up at my dream campus. I am terrified of going back to work but I don't have a choice. My advice is to stop your college right now and get a part time job. Even if you think you can't do the job. They'll just fire you and then you get another one. But as hard as it is, I noticed that keeping myself busy is better than just staying inside being sick and abnormal.
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[3f...]

You are young. And you weren't a heavy or a long-term user. It will go away. But, it would certainly be much more bearable if you had support. We know it's hard even with support. I would advise against this, but if you absolutely have to be functional what's stopping you from reinstating on your own?

Dr. James Thomas in Ohio has been known to reinstate people onto Valium 2mg every 3 hours until the person feels well. Dr. Peart, of VOT, suggests 1-2mg/day of Valium until the person feels better. We have no scientific data to support either approach so one must simply talk to their doctor about this.

You can start with 1 mg/day of diazepam before sleep until you are feeling better. If that doesn't work after a week, then up the dose to 2 mg/day. And so on. Note that I have used benzos in order to be functional, and have regretted it since. With withdrawal experience on hand, in hindsight I would have gladly sacrificed graduate studes, job, and everything else if that meant not having to take benzos. But I was benzo-free, since you're already in withdrawal you have to know two things. If you reinstate you will only be postponing the inevitable, and the next time it could possibly be even worse.

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You are young. And you weren't a heavy or a long-term user. It will go away. But, it would certainly be much more bearable if you had support. We know it's hard even with support. I would advise against this, but if you absolutely have to be functional what's stopping you from reinstating on your own?

Dr. James Thomas in Ohio has been known to reinstate people onto Valium 2mg every 3 hours until the person feels well. Dr. Peart, of VOT, suggests 1-2mg/day of Valium until the person feels better. We have no scientific data to support either approach so one must simply talk to their doctor about this.

You can start with 1 mg/day of diazepam before sleep until you are feeling better. If that doesn't work after a week, then up the dose to 2 mg/day. And so on. Note that I have used benzos in order to be functional, and have regretted it since. With withdrawal experience on hand, in hindsight I would have gladly sacrificed graduate studes, job, and everything else if that meant not having to take benzos. But I was benzo-free, since you're already in withdrawal you have to know two things. If you reinstate you will only be postponing the inevitable, and the next time it could possibly be even worse.

I was hospitalized in April and given ativan and sleeping pills, and I came home in full withdrawal. I had never experienced withdrawal before that. I took valium for 2 weeks and it wasn’t helping me. I think I had my tolerance absolutely destroyed by that hospitalization and I don’t know if reinstating would even help. I just want out of this hell and I’ve fought through 3 months and still don’t feel better

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SF, I def see where you're coming from. I am a little older than you at 32 years old, but I am three months of a cold turkey. I was an in demand teacher of English in all grade levels and Social Studies of grades 4-8. I was about done with my PhD and had a part time college job lined up at my dream campus. I am terrified of going back to work but I don't have a choice. My advice is to stop your college right now and get a part time job. Even if you think you can't do the job. They'll just fire you and then you get another one. But as hard as it is, I noticed that keeping myself busy is better than just staying inside being sick and abnormal.

I don’t have the motivation anymore. At the beginning of this year I had all the motivation and confidence in the world. I can’t get out of bed now. Nothing makes me want to get out of bed.

 

Even in the beginning of withdrawal I thought I’d feel better and be pursuing a job later in the year. Thought I’d be able to handle school as well.

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People in withdrawal usually rapidly lose tolerance. And diazepam is less likely to go paradoxical than lorazepam.

They gave me the lorazepam and it messed me up. The valium never did this to me on its own, although now looking back I know it was causing me to decline mentally. It was never this bad though

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