Intrusive Thoughts

[[re...]]

ComingHome - I'd say I'm about 95% healed, at this point. And I may reach 100% eventually - or not. I certainly hope so, but I have no way of knowing. I don't have those intrusive memories any more. The 'morning psychosis' is gone. I don't have three anxiety attacks on the way to work every day, or even one. I don't suddenly lose my vision while going through spreadsheets - which actually happened to me one day at work. The itch inside my head is gone. Most of my skin problems have resolved. My eyebrow has grown back. I am generally healthier and happier, and my life has had some good times. Work is going well. Bought a new house, new car, can't complain. If this is as good as it gets, it'll do.

 

But just for the record, after nearly 7 years off, I'm still a bit stress-intolerant, so that I have to avoid a lot of situations such as the t.v. news (or t.v. anything, actually), political discussions or arguments of any kind at all, and so forth; I still have a bit of dermatitis which never existed before benzo withdrawal, which is slowly resolving; I still have some paresthesia, some formication, some tingling from time to time that comes and goes; I still have tinnitus on-and-off; I'm still sensitive to all sorts of medicines, nutritional supplements, and most of all, alcohol: I cannot drink, even one beer, without paying a heavy price for days afterwards; my sleep is a lot better, and I can even take nice naps, but I do wake up several times every night, and while the 'morning psychosis' is gone, still, waking up is hard to do - it still feels just a little weird for a while after I wake up, in a way it never did before; my memory is much better, but still not what it once was; and a few other things I'm probably forgetting.

 

Anyway, for my next healing, I'd like to be able to drink again, please, if anyone up there is listening ... 

[[re...]]

 

Boomboxboy,

I have all the same issues with the intrusive thoughts.  I have the constant S.I. as well, although it's starting to fade away.  The worst intrusive for me has been intrusive memories, but even the happy memories feel horrible.  Any thought of the past can make me want to cry for hours, and any thought of the future makes me want to curl up, terrified, in the fetal position.  It's crazy, but it has been very gradually fading away.  I haven't noticed any patterns.  Mornings seem to be worse for ruminating.

 

ComingHome - What is S.I. ?

[[Lo...]]

Intrusive thoughts are very horrible for me, too. One of the worst symptoms I have had besides chemical terror/fear. The thoughts predate my benzo use and some of them predate my SSRI use. It is basically a "life review" type thing. I have always had good long-term memory, and so many things keep coming back at very uncomfortable speeds. A lot of times, it feels like there are 2 or 3 threads going on in my brain, with associations in one connecting to the other, while being run into the ground by the intensity of 2 or 3.

 

I do recall an article that benzos affect hippocampal GABA receptors, and with hippocampus being important for memory, emotions and autonomic nervous activity, it's no wonder that coming off these bzds can produce such floods of memories and emotions. If it weren't so painful to go through, it would be an interesting subject to discuss.

 

 

[[bo...]]

Redevan,

 

Has your fear of weekends and unstructured time gone away? Has your anhedonia gone away?

[[Co...]]

Intrusive thoughts are very horrible for me, too. One of the worst symptoms I have had besides chemical terror/fear. The thoughts predate my benzo use and some of them predate my SSRI use. It is basically a "life review" type thing. I have always had good long-term memory, and so many things keep coming back at very uncomfortable speeds. A lot of times, it feels like there are 2 or 3 threads going on in my brain, with associations in one connecting to the other, while being run into the ground by the intensity of 2 or 3.

 

I do recall an article that benzos affect hippocampal GABA receptors, and with hippocampus being important for memory, emotions and autonomic nervous activity, it's no wonder that coming off these bzds can produce such floods of memories and emotions. If it weren't so painful to go through, it would be an interesting subject to discuss.

 

Very interesting, that bit about the damage in the hippocampus.  Makes sense.  You're exactly right - it feels like a "life review" very detailed, as though living it all again, except everything is colored by terror and a surreal, grotesque... I don't know what - some of this crap is just impossible to describe.  My intrusive memories feel like soul-wrenching shrapnel flying around in my head.  Nothing at all triggers most of it.  The happy memories can make me cry for hours over people and times long gone.  The traumatic memories, and I have more than my share of that... well, that stuff is just unbearable now. 

 

Evan, thank you for sharing that.  My friend, you have been through the wringer, and I'm glad it's mostly better.  I'd settle for 95%, but still.... I'm wondering too if I'll ever be able to drink again.  Absolutely can't now - the thought of trying is terrifying, but a nice cold beer on a Friday after work with friends again... But if I have to give it up forever, so be it. 

 

S.I. is suicide ideation.  I know we're supposed to avoid that topic.  It's like an intrusive thought for me. 

 

Interesting description of what you call the 'morning psychosis.'  I still have the awful toxic wake-ups and can't nap, but earlier I also had that thing that you've described..  It's like my sleep cycles were really messed up, and I'd wake up physically, but my brain was still in a dream state.  It was weird and awful.  I'd be wide awake, but whatever I was dreaming before waking up would just keep playing in my thoughts for quite awhile.  I couldn't snap out of it.  Weirdest damn thing.  My sleep is now starting to feel a little normal, and I hope that's a good sign. 

 

boomboxboy, I don't have a benzo-wise doctor here.  Someone here on bb was seeing this guy in Vancouver.  I haven't been able to find any local support to help me through this, which has made it a little harder.  I know exactly what they'd say, and know they wouldn't have any answers really for me, but to have a professional, real live person, who could listen to me and look me in the eye, and say they know exactly all about what I'm going through and everything will be okay... well, that would be heaven.  I'd have to go back daily just for the real-life reassurance. 

 

Being on a low dose for a short period of time will likely work in your favor.  I hope you start seeing some improvement soon.  in answer to your question, yes the intrusives have gotten much better, both in intensity and frequency. 

[[Co...]]

redevan,

 

I actually just posted about having idle time and how much worse the symptoms get then. Work at least forces me to get my mind of the depression. I work as a high school teacher so I absolutely have to fake that I'm okay and get through each day and be as happy as possible. Weekends are tough for me too. I have to find constant distractions so as to not think about symptoms. Maybe that's why my summer was so difficult. I had nothing to do at all. I really hope the symptoms start improving gradually and I start to notice it. It's so hard to notice any improvement when the thoughts are always in your head.

 

Something I wrote a few years ago:

 

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

 

Also, you may find some ideas for dealing with this particular problem, here:

 

Dimanchophobia - Google Search Results

 

Huh.  now that is fascinating.  My weekends are wretched.  I have a couple theories about it.  #1 I don't have the distraction of work.  #2 I'm utterly exhausted and recovering from work.

 

But I have another idea that it's somehow related to the way our CNS functions.  There's a widely known and common pattern for migraines to occur on Saturday mornings.  They think that after the stress of the week, our corticosteroid levels drop off dramatically on the weekend, and something about that triggers a migraine.  I think whatever that process is, it has also been causing a ramping up of my symptoms.

 

I agree with the whole idea of having a fear of unstructured time.  For us, I think it's more than just anhedonia - I think it's caused by the cognitive executive dysfunction.  For me, not only am I unable to want to do anything (anhedonia), but I'm unable to make the decision to do something.  It's typical of traumatic brain injury.  This article describes the dysfunction well:  https://www.headway.org.uk/about-brain-injury/individuals/effects-of-brain-injury/executive-dysfunction/    Typically on weekends I absolutely can't think of a single thing that I want to do.  Or worse, there are things around the house that I really want to do, but I'm cognitively unable to make a decision to do it - I can't execute the action, no matter how simple or small.  Not sure if any of this is making sense, but the entire mental kerfluffle is very distressing. 

[[re...]]

Redevan,

 

Has your fear of weekends and unstructured time gone away? Has your anhedonia gone away?

 

Oh yeah, that's all gone away completely. Now I enjoy my days off, and I look forward to them, rather than dreading them. The anhedonia is gone. The depression is gone. But I think ComingHome hit on something that still is a bit of a problem. That "executive function" thing. I'm still not able to make plans and follow through quite as easily as I used to do. I'm still not quite as organized either, mentally. I think I'm getting better with all that, though. So it will happen.

[[Lo...]]

I am not off yet, but the decision making is just horrible. Not that I can't come up with possible options. It's that they all seem bad, and that the intuition and that gut feeling that would help me so much with quick or regular decision making just aren't really there. Hopefully that comes back at some point. I'd gotten back at playing keyboards a bit again. Not all is lost. Listening to music is still hard without tears. Any kind of composing, arranging or doing web/database programming work is pretty much wiped out now. I do get glimpses of those skills I had, but the intrusive narrative of my thoughts makes a lot of knowledge hard to reach. The intrusive flashback trauma "pushback" tends to make returning to the things I knew extremely difficult.

[[Lo...]]

Intrusive Thoughts in Benzodiazepine Withdrawal

[[bo...]]

I used to have some intrusive thoughts while lying in bed before the benzos like someone getting injured or myself getting injured, but the S.I. has gotten really bad during this and I would consider this an intrusive thought. I am really hoping the depression and looping, intrusive thoughts and feelings go away in the next few months. It seems to be a waiting game. A very brutal one at times.

[[4G...]]

I have terrible, really horrific intrusive thoughts and I have such a lot of w/d to go through. It is going to be years and I don't know how I'm going to make it through. I'm very scared.

[[Lo...]]

I have terrible intrusive thoughts and am having major problems just getting through the day. The "crime" of taking benzos should not end up in a multi-year punishment while dealing with impossibly hard withdrawal symtpoms, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. The thoughts are unbearable. I am really sorry for anyone going through this, because this is not life. This is just existing. Scared of my own shadow hell.Just need to make it for the next 40 minutes, somehow.