Akathisia before I even get started - anyone else?

[[ar...]]

Thank you Dee, that’s so kind!

 

Yes it’s tough!

 

I see you had ss, I did too.

 

Which benzo are you tapering?

 

Strong women we are! And yes Lara is so kind and caring.

 

Good to have you here 💕

[[ar...]]

I'm right next do you, AP. We'll do it together.

 

I like your signature regarding hope it's pretty nice hopefully it doesn't die it's about the only thing I have left right now

 

Hi, are you sticking with your ct? Sending support 💕

[[de...]]

Hi again artistprayer,

 

Oh my god SS is a shocker and get this I've had it twice both through doctor incompetence.  I sometimes think that it may also be contributory as takes a while to recover from that onslaught. 

 

I'm wd'ing from miserable 1.25mg Valium and still having trouble. 

 

The only thing I've learned from this ordeal is taking it slowly which is of little comfort really because I feel so bad on it. 

 

Strong women, we. 

 

Dee xx

 

And big hi to you, Lara. 

 

 

[Guest [Ru...]]

Theskyisred: Glad you like my signature, buddy. It's from Shawshank Redemption...I figured we're diggin' our way out of a goddamn prison here, so yah...  ) Wishing you well in your recovery!

 

Dee: Thank you so much for your lovely words - it means the world to me. I've been seeing your posts around. Your hopeful tone is comforting many, sweet friend.  I'll be thinking of you throughout your taper this year... Warm hug.

 

AP: Holding thumbs that you see some glimmers of hope along the way. You will - it just takes time for a lot of us.

 

Much love,

Lara

[[Th...]]

Hi again artistprayer,

 

Oh my god SS is a shocker and get this I've had it twice both through doctor incompetence.  I sometimes think that it may also be contributory as takes a while to recover from that onslaught. 

 

I'm wd'ing from miserable 1.25mg Valium and still having trouble. 

 

The only thing I've learned from this ordeal is taking it slowly which is of little comfort really because I feel so bad on it. 

 

Strong women, we. 

 

Dee xx

 

And big hi to you, Lara. 

I really think doctors should be required to train harder and if not maybe they should be required to go through the withdrawal process! :-) it's pretty insane that we get this dismissal out of hand the anxiety is beyond crazy someone else said it but I have to agree they prescribe this crap to take away the anxiety and the next thing you know you're suffering from the very same anxiety they prescribe the medication for! It's definitely not right it is definitely not right

 

[[ar...]]

Theskyisred: Glad you like my signature, buddy. It's from Shawshank Redemption...I figured we're diggin' our way out of a goddamn prison here, so yah...  ) Wishing you well in your recovery!

 

Dee: Thank you so much for your lovely words - it means the world to me. I've been seeing your posts around. Your hopeful tone is comforting many, sweet friend.  I'll be thinking of you throughout your taper this year... Warm hug.

 

AP: Holding thumbs that you see some glimmers of hope along the way. You will - it just takes time for a lot of us.

 

Much love,

Lara

 

Thank you Lara

 

I’m struggling terribly with the akathisia. I’m scared I can’t make it. Too many drugs to come off. No sign of relief ever. Holding to try to cut the ssri. Just needed to hear from someone who’s been through this. Never a window.

 

God bless

 

AP

[Guest [Ru...]]

Hello AP,

 

I know how hard it is. Keep reminding yourself that this pain will not be forever. It will end and you WILL heal. The fear that you can't make it - it's just a benzo lie. We all get it. Don't fight it, just let it be - then ignore it by gently distracting yourself like you would a distraught child.

 

Many people have come off more drugs (myself included) - and they are doing brilliantly now. I didn't have relief (or windows) for a very long time. My windows now are still only partial and don't last longer than half a day or so...but they are REAL and sometimes provide glimpses of a beautiful future! This is where you WILL get to, if you will just keep taking baby steps and cutting. Holding has not been helping you. That is true for a substantial number of us.

 

Keep reading on Baylissa's site and practising some of the tools she lists for getting through this - that is what I do when the akathisia hits. Keep searching and trying until you find the tools that help you distract. You have to force yourself. Sometimes I will just pace for hours while listening to a guided meditation on youtube, or forcing myself to breathe slowly, or drinking endless cups of herbal tea... But the akathisia can't hurt me. I know it's just part of my healing. Just one tiny moment at a time - and as Baylissa says, this too shall pass.

 

Sending healing thoughts.

[[ar...]]

Thank you as always Lara for you beautiful kind words.

 

I was rocking and listening to my Hillsong music earlier, deep breathing.

 

I try to do self soothing too.

 

I did make a small cut in the benzo last Wednesday as I wanted to get the dose down more. It’s harsh though. The benzo charities I speak to say to get off that first as it’s so bad. Still my question over the escitalopram though. They’re convinced it’s the addictive drugs that must go and have caused this, the pregabalin before this. Either way I’m stuck living with it all the time.

 

Did you go a long time without windows from the akathisia? It’s been 9 months straight for me but as I’ve said I know a combination of drugs caused it before that but not constant as after

 

I try to put into practice coping tools but sometimes it just overwhelms me with its intensity.

 

Those beautiful windows sound so good!

AP ❤️

[Guest [Ru...]]

AP, I'm just so happy if my words can help you a little bit.

 

To answer your question about windows... When I came off ADs a few years ago, I had about 70 symptoms, akathisia among them. I had few, if any, windows from those symptoms for a very, very long time.

 

For me, there was a combination of factors at play: fast taper, fast tolerance (without knowing) to the small doses of benzo I were using to get to appointments, stressful family relations and unresolved trauma, multiple infections, bad diet, ct from the birth-control pill... It was the perfect storm. I had to work on those things intensely by finding all the pieces to my own 'healing puzzle'... That's when I started seeing small improvements - very slowly, but surely.

 

But, that's me. Our stories are all so different. Many on here believe time is all it takes. That might be true for some (maybe even the majority), but I've always felt we can help time along a bit - and certainly, the sicker ones among us would be wise to try... What do we have to lose - why not improve our health why we're on this healing journey anyway? There are many adjuncts out there that can support the body while it's doing its thing. The right thing at the right time - for me, that has made all the difference.

 

Self-care is a vital key in all this. You're doing it! That's huge. It took me a long time to get a handle on that one thing, and to commit to it. And it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed by the intensity. How could you not?

 

You're on your way, AP. Those windows are waiting. Hold out for them!

[Guest [Ru...]]

Sorry, AP - just to be clear: I don't mean to imply that you'd need to do any of what I did to get windows! Really, the main thing is to get off the drugs, and stay off the drugs. Just keep your taper going steadily. 

[[ar...]]

AP, I'm just so happy if my words can help you a little bit.

 

To answer your question about windows... When I came off ADs a few years ago, I had about 70 symptoms, akathisia among them. I had few, if any, windows from those symptoms for a very, very long time.

 

For me, there was a combination of factors at play: fast taper, fast tolerance (without knowing) to the small doses of benzo I were using to get to appointments, stressful family relations and unresolved trauma, multiple infections, bad diet, ct from the birth-control pill... It was the perfect storm. I had to work on those things intensely by finding all the pieces to my own 'healing puzzle'... That's when I started seeing small improvements - very slowly, but surely.

 

But, that's me. Our stories are all so different. Many on here believe time is all it takes. That might be true for some (maybe even the majority), but I've always felt we can help time along a bit - and certainly, the sicker ones among us would be wise to try... What do we have to lose - why not improve our health why we're on this healing journey anyway? There are many adjuncts out there that can support the body while it's doing its thing. The right thing at the right time - for me, that has made all the difference.

 

Self-care is a vital key in all this. You're doing it! That's huge. It took me a long time to get a handle on that one thing, and to commit to it. And it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed by the intensity. How could you not?

 

You're on your way, AP. Those windows are waiting. Hold out for them!

 

Thank you again Lara

 

Yes I try to eat as basic a diet as I can, no sugars, caffeine, just water! In fact I can’t even handle fruit. My one big issue is I smoke and don’t seem to be able to cut back or quit. I worry about that.

 

Breathing, listening to nature sounds on YouTube and the Hillsong music, hugging a toy, telling myself comforting things, these are things I utilise but not much more.

 

I seem to be getting off reactions to the clonazepam. I had a panic attack after taking it this morning and then it damped down the aka for an hour or two then it surged back up all day. Now just taken my evening dose and I’m shaking. Mind you I was shaking this morning after the couple hours too.

 

Thing is I was only on 6mg diazepam before and a few months into holding after the awful mess last year that left me in acute wds and with the akathisia constant, it all just suddenly got so much worse. Which is why I regretfully ended up on the clonazepam. So I fear tapering down and it getting that severe again. I wonder if that massive shift in symptoms and severity was the diazepam hitting tolerance wd after just 6 months? Or a delayed hit from the cts. Or just a massive wave that had I held on through I might have come out of. The point is I know how severe it gets and that was at a lower dose benzo and it haunts me. I mean it’s pretty severe now but that was something else. So I fear I’ve taken 20 steps back only to now have to go through more suffering to get off much more and can’t see I’ll get windows in this taper as I never had any from the akathisia at a lower dose though just before it went severe I experienced some of my best days symptoms wise and felt some hope.

 

I’m rambling but I live in fear of getting lower and lower on the benzo only to end up in that really severe place again. And more damage is happening now I’m on this benzo and dose.

 

And I have the lexapro to get off. The Mirtazipine too but I’m not thinking about that for now!

 

I can’t watch movies or focus on anything for very long. There’s little pleasure in life.

 

I just feel so damaged on many levels and can’t find any enjoyment. I care little for my appearance or what I wear. The opposite to how I was! I miss really connecting with my son.

 

Peace seems years away. I try to forget the bad stories I’ve read about people suffering akathisia for years. I wish I could see it as healing as you do!! I think because I know I’ve had it on drugs not just from cts/ dose changing it scares me in the sense that I can’t see how it will go.

 

Lots of fear and doubt there I know. I don’t want to drag you down with it!

 

Those are my fears/ difficulties anyway.

 

God bless, AP

[Guest [Ru...]]

Dear AP,

 

This morning, I was looking through the window onto our porch, sun shining through the autumn leaves on the vine trellis. Achingly lovely...I pray for the day when we can both feel and enjoy that beauty again with peace in our hearts.

 

I hear your fears. They sound so much like mine. It is hard for me to find the words this morning to comfort you... I think you are doing fine for where you are in your taper, sweet friend. It sounds to me like you're doing your best in everything - hold on to that. It will see you through.

 

Regarding your fear of being damaged: that is a super-common benzo thought, AP. We are not damaged. It's temporary, I promise you that. It will all come right once we're on the other side. I'm the same with not being able to enjoy even the simplest things - I can't relax enough to read, enjoy my animals, connect with my husband. All the things that mean most to me. I don't have the energy to groom myself, whereas I used to be so meticulous. So you're not alone.

 

You write beautifully, AP. That tells me you're still in there, with all your gifts and beauty. You're just in incubation, if that makes sense. You can't see or feel that little seed inside yet - it's still buried deep - but you will survive this harshest winter...and the most beautiful spring will come. I promise you.

 

With love,

Lara

[Guest [Ru...]]

I forgot to ask, AP: Can you tolerate a probiotic at all? It does seem to have a protective effect during the stress of withdrawal. I do believe it can help some people along a bit. I'd be happy to share with you what I'm trying...

[[ar...]]

Thank you Lara

 

Severe panic attacks today I think that cut is hitting me big time. So scared. Even considered reinstating but a week into it now. Causing bad DP.

 

Thank you for your words. I want to write more just feeling so overwhelmed by panic though have tried a few techniques.

 

This is just awful. Is this how it is when you cut?

 

❤️

[Guest [Ru...]]

AP, for me the severe panic attacks are frequent now, for a big chunk of each day. I've not been able to tell much difference after cuts for the past year, as I've been doing a daily liquid micro-taper, where I reduce incredibly tiny amounts each AM and PM.

 

As I'm getting down to almost zero, anxiety and DP/DR are ramping up. I see it as part of acute and try to crawl through it (although it feels like I'm crawling through glass shards...) - it's the only thing I know to do... I try to accept it as part of the healing process. Because that is just what it is.

 

With bigger cuts you would logically feel more panic after a reduction. If you type 'benzo buddies panic after cuts' into google, you'll find plenty of threads on BB about this. It's common, unfortunately - just so you know, your experience is not abnormal. It will go away as the body heals. It's just impossible to predict when that is for each person.

 

Holding has not helped you. I would therefore absolutely avoid reinstating or up-dosing. From all my reading and experience, I think you would just be prolonging the agony in the long run, and you'll be kindling.

 

Many, many others have come through this before us. It's a horrible part of the journey for some of us - but that's all it is. In a way, the body (and brain) is healing by releasing trapped emotions...and it feels like a hurricane to get through. Keep letting it move through you - that's all it's doing. When you can't walk, you crawl. You cry. I can't harm you or kill you. It will get better, I promise. And you'll be stronger than you ever dreamed, afterwards.

 

Sending warmth.

[[ar...]]

Thank you for replying dear Lara.

 

It’s always so comforting. Though I know you are suffering so much.

 

I’m not going to updose. In fact I want to make another cut I’m not too long. Today has brought a window from many symptoms apart from the ever present akathisia which is lower and waves of fear.

 

When I took my morning clonazepam it kicked up the akathisia pretty badly for 2 or 3 hours. I so want off. Benzo charity suggested I make a bigger cut and just keep going to get off as soon as I can.

 

My focus is now on the benzo. I know I change my ideas on things as I do also want off the escitalopram but I fear I’m one of those people for whom benzos quickly turn. I wonder if it was the diazepam that caused things to get so bad in January.

 

I’m praying the akathisia heals once I’m off the benzo. Who knows.

 

Thank you for the reassurance about the panic attacks. It got so bad I thought I was going to pass out!

 

You mentioned probiotics and I do feel desperate for some good stuff in my gut but also fear trying anything. I was using one before all this then in a panic just stopped all my supplements! What do you take?

 

My big terror as always is the akathisia and it getting so bad it’s unbearable. I’ve been scared by it.

 

You’re so close to the finish line! Keep going Lovely Lara ❤️

[Guest [Ru...]]

Sweet AP,

 

Just a quick note to let you know how much I appreciate your lovely words. You really helped me today... I'm having a very rough one, so I'll write again tomorrow.

 

Hang in there, sweet friend. We're doing it.

 

Sending much love.

[Guest [Ru...]]

Morning, dear AP!

 

I'm so happy that you wrote you had a window...that's huge! It sounds similar to the ones I get: the symptoms aren't gone, but they lessen. That's a great sign of better days to come.

 

It's interesting what you say about things getting worse for you after benzos. I read yesterday that up to 50% of people have adverse reactions to anti-depressants - I would imagine that the stats for benzos must be similar. And at least 10-20% of people don't tolerate psych drugs at all. So your suspicions are grounded. I think I experienced similar: I got akathisia from the first dose of an SSRI I ever used, but the docs just saw it as an excuse for trying other meds...another SSRI, benzos, anti-psychotics... It was beyond horrible, but I just believed them that it was all my 'mental illness'...

 

Regarding supplements. I hesitate to write about what I take, as everyone is so different. When I came off my final SSRI (and during tolerance on Ativan), my body deteriorated horrifically. I had so many awful physical symptoms, so I spent years learning about supplements (after fixing my diet). I had hair-tissue mineral analysis done, and I based all my supplement choices on solid research and what made sense to me. I added things bit by bit, always building up with minute doses. And the physical improvements have been huge.

 

Most 'revving' that people report with supplements is actually just the so-called healing crisis/Herxheimer response. As you provide the body with additional adaptive energy (in the form of supplements), it uses that energy to start re-balancing/detoxing. This is often very unpleasant/uncomfortable for a while, so people panic, thinking the supplement is affecting them adversely. It's such a pity, because if they'd just keep going gently, the body would usually adapt after a while and move on to a much great level of health.

 

Let me know if you do want me to write more about what I take. I tend to overwhelm people with this, so I'm mindful of that! 

 

I hope today brings you more glimpses of the better life that lies ahead.

 

Hugs & healing thoughts.

[[...]]

Dear ArtistPrayer and Buddies,

 

My heart truly goes out to you. I hear akathisia can be one of the most debilitating symptoms of withdrawal... I dearly hope the windows start to outnumber the waves and that you begin to see an improvement in your "baseline".

 

While I can't quite relate to "physical akathisia", I think my rapid discontinuation from ADs (Effexor in particular) has caused me "mental akathisia". I can relate to feeling trapped with nowhere to go, neither in space or time. An urge to do something for relief, but what relief? My mind can't settle, I can't focus on TV or read. BBs posts are usually my limit 

 

When lying in bed, I can't feel "comfort" as I previously used to. It is not totally a physical problem, I think there is a neurological component to that, so perhaps akathisia here too...

 

Akathisia is a truly horrible symptom  :'( But it is only that: a symptom. So it will get better as we heal... 

 

Keep taking good care of yourself... and keep telling yourself that this is withdrawal. Your body and brain are healing 

Hugs 

Julz xx

[[ar...]]

Thank you for writing Lara.

 

I’ve been having two horrific days with the akathisia and mental symptoms since that one day when things lessened. I wish I could have a window from the aka but never have. This makes me feel doomed.

 

I’m really scared by the feelings I get with it like I will do something violent, it’s just too distressing. I feel an impulse to chuck or smash something or I’ll have the intrusive thoughts. Then I got scared by someone on the aka page mentioning psychosis with aka! And a post about crimes committed because of aka! I try to stay away from stuff but I reach out for help and it’s all stuff people say.

 

I miss my loving, gentle, calm self!! I’ve never felt or experienced any of this stuff before wd, drugs and akathisia! I’ve experienced intrusive thoughts in the past but not this stuff.

 

I’m barely functioning as has been the way since last summer when I got ct’d and messed around with.

 

I cannot see hope for me Lara not with constant aka and how the tapering makes it bad but also taking the drugs.

 

I want to get off the benzo and the ssri (Mirtazipine too but last). But this suffering is so huge, either way! And I’m scared how bad the akathisia gets.

 

Sorry I’ve not written about supplements. I’m just so scared right now.

 

You know I introduced some probiotic yogurt in January, I felt good for a few days then everything went worse than ever before, akathisia especially, it was severe severe I could barely think and moving constantly which I hadn’t had before. That’s when I ended up on the darn clonazepam. I’ll never know if it was the yogurt or a huge wave or whatever.

 

Just not coping and feel it’s hopeless for me with this constant akathisia and drugs doing goodness knows what and tapering making things worse. Feel like I’m going mad

 

I just can’t suffer like this for years.

 

Sorry so so low X

 

 

[[ar...]]

Morning, dear AP!

 

I'm so happy that you wrote you had a window...that's huge! It sounds similar to the ones I get: the symptoms aren't gone, but they lessen. That's a great sign of better days to come.

 

It's interesting what you say about things getting worse for you after benzos. I read yesterday that up to 50% of people have adverse reactions to anti-depressants - I would imagine that the stats for benzos must be similar. And at least 10-20% of people don't tolerate psych drugs at all. So your suspicions are grounded. I think I experienced similar: I got akathisia from the first dose of an SSRI I ever used, but the docs just saw it as an excuse for trying other meds...another SSRI, benzos, anti-psychotics... It was beyond horrible, but I just believed them that it was all my 'mental illness'...

 

Regarding supplements. I hesitate to write about what I take, as everyone is so different. When I came off my final SSRI (and during tolerance on Ativan), my body deteriorated horrifically. I had so many awful physical symptoms, so I spent years learning about supplements (after fixing my diet). I had hair-tissue mineral analysis done, and I based all my supplement choices on solid research and what made sense to me. I added things bit by bit, always building up with minute doses. And the physical improvements have been huge.

 

Most 'revving' that people report with supplements is actually just the so-called healing crisis/Herxheimer response. As you provide the body with additional adaptive energy (in the form of supplements), it uses that energy to start re-balancing/detoxing. This is often very unpleasant/uncomfortable for a while, so people panic, thinking the supplement is affecting them adversely. It's such a pity, because if they'd just keep going gently, the body would usually adapt after a while and move on to a much great level of health.

 

Let me know if you do want me to write more about what I take. I tend to overwhelm people with this, so I'm mindful of that! 

 

I hope today brings you more glimpses of the better life that lies ahead.

 

Hugs & healing thoughts.

 

Hi dear Lara, I wrote a reply but not sure if you’ll see it unless I do the quote thing. Struggling terribly I’m afraid xxx

[Guest [Ru...]]

Hang in there, AP. It's just the healing pendulum swinging. It's horrible (I was there yesterday...), but you're doing it. Sending strength.

[[ar...]]

Thank you Lara

 

Are you sure this is gonna heal one day? And what I describe about the akathisia is that anything you’ve experienced too? Have you been through this constantly in the past?

 

I feel like my brain can’t handle any changes like tapering with this akathisia. But how will it heal if I don’t.

 

God bless you ❤️🙏

[Guest [Ru...]]

I promise you, AP. It will. What you describe is typical akathisia. It's how I experience it (and it's unspeakable, I know), and so many others. I had it constantly; now - on and off. Yesterday all day. Under my posts you'll find a thread where I was begging for help on here, for aka one night... In your own thread, if you look back, you'll find a link to Mark's success story, also. He had aka for extended periods of time, day and night - sometimes for months. It all went away. There are many stories like that.

 

Your brain is handling it, my friend. What you're experiencing is just part of that 'healing crisis' I posted about. It's how we heal. (They understand this in natural-healing science and some Oriental techniques, but unfortunately Western docs are clueless about it.)

 

The pain won't be forever. And it can't harm you. Just stand in the storm, and try to breathe through it. You just need to get through moment by moment. And you are.

 

Much love, dear friend.

[Guest [Ru...]]

AP, I know this will feel impossibly hard to you right now, but have you tried some of the grounding & other exercises under the Self-care tab of Baylissa's site? I forced myself to work through some of them yesterday during my terrible bout of aka. It was very hard, but it did give me a sense of control and glimpses of relief...and it did help me to distract a little. I went to bed in a calmer state...

 

Sending you a warm, huge hug.