Akathisia before I even get started - anyone else?

[[ar...]]

AP, I'm just now checking in on this thread. I'm right here with you, sweet friend. Bad akathisia for me today and yesterday (my period hit, and it revved me up BIG time). I KNOW how hard it is for you right now. I wish I had the right words to comfort you... Except to say that, in time, it WILL get so much better. Akathisia is one of the symptoms that ALWAYS leaves in the end, for everyone. Right now you just have to try to hang in there.

 

My best guess is that you're dealing with both the klon and the lexapro w/d right now and yes, the escitalopram might well be agitating to you. I remember another buddy who found himself in a very similar situation, AP. He pulled through and is thriving today. I'm trying to read through his old threads to see what helped. I'll let you know what I find.

 

I know you feel hopeless, but there is so much hope for you. I promise you that. I'm right here with you, and I'm hanging on right next to you all the way.

 

 

Thank you so much ❤️ I don’t know how to reply so pressed quote. My head’s all over the place.

 

I took my evening k and it pushed my agitation right up and I had awful nasty thoughts and feelings, had this before when aka got severe, scary stuff like you might explode. Terror filled head.

 

Can’t make sense of these drugs and if I’m getting adverse reaction to the k or the mix of drugs.

 

Or if it’s just wd and aka stuff.

 

I’d really appreciate you looking up that other member thank you and God bless.

[Guest [Ru...]]

AP, no problem, I'll look through my folder of saved stuff tonight, and post here tomorrow morning.

 

In the meantime, just keep reminding yourself that these awful thoughts and feelings CANNOT hurt you. Keep repeating that to yourself like a mantra, if you need to. They're just phantoms generated by a brain that is struggling to find a new balance right now...and that WILL do so, given enough time. Your brain is actually using those agitated feelings to re-train itself to react healthily. It's rewiring itself. Hard as it is, just let it all move through you. Breathe through it...keep breathing deeply through it. 

 

And remember: EVERYONE recovers from aka, AP, everyone. I will, and you will, too. I promise you that.

 

Much love.

[[Pl...]]

Ruby; did you have the aka while you were on the drug and it morphed and changed?

I have this too really bad;;; I can’t take it;;;

 

Artist prayer I know how you feel

[[An...]]

Rubylove -

 

Just reading through this thread and I can just feel what a beautiful soul you are.  Your responses to AP have helped me as well.  Your thoughts are comforting and positive, which is exactly what I need right now.

 

I am just over 6 weeks into jumping from Xanax on 2/11/18.  The akathisia is by far one of the most difficult w/d symptoms.  I was having an "ok" day today (by ok I mean not horrific), but the akathisia is kicking in now.

 

AP - Something I noticed that affects it greatly is my eating schedule.  I eat every two hours or so.  I'm currently on a Paleo diet.  Mostly proteins and vegetables.  No grains or dairy except eggs.  Eating often helps with my blood sugar levels and minimizes the shakiness.

 

Maybe this will offer you some relief.

 

I pray we all get through this.

 

Angel

[[ar...]]

Thank you Angel. Yes Rubylove’s responses have been absolutely beautiful and gentle and compassionate. I’m so glad they’ve helped you too. I’m glad you’re here.

 

Did you experience akathisia on the drug/ during taper?

 

Can I ask about your detox? How much were you taken off and how? Were you in severe state before that?

 

Bless you. You’re on your healing path.

[Guest [Ru...]]

Pleasebehere: I'm so sorry you're also struggling with this. Just a short answer for now: I got akathisia from the very first psych drug I was ever on (Prozac), from the very first dose... Now that I'm tapering off Ativan, it's lots worse, but yes, it morphs, it comes and goes... But there are times when it disappears almost completely - so I know there's plenty of hope!

 

Angel: Thanks for being my angel tonight... Cannot express how much your words mean to me. Your kindness, too, AP!

 

I'll post here again tomorrow morning, when my thoughts are clearer. I so appreciate everyone's input on this, and I know we will all get through it. I've read hundreds of stories of people recovering from this, and they all say the same thing: one day it will be a distant memory. We just need to try to go with the process. Trust the body. It knows how to heal - it was made to heal itself.

 

Love & strength to us all on here! God bless.

 

[[Pl...]]

Pleasebehere: I'm so sorry you're also struggling with this. Just a short answer for now: I got akathisia from the very first psych drug I was ever on (Prozac), from the very first dose... Now that I'm tapering off Ativan, it's lots worse, but yes, it morphs, it comes and goes... But there are times when it disappears almost completely - so I know there's plenty of hope!

 

Angel: Thanks for being my angel tonight... Cannot express how much your words mean to me. Your kindness, too, AP!

 

I'll post here again tomorrow morning, when my thoughts are clearer. I so appreciate everyone's input on this, and I know we will all get through it. I've read hundreds of stories of people recovering from this, and they all say the same thing: one day it will be a distant memory. We just need to try to go with the process. Trust the body. It knows how to heal - it was made to heal itself.

 

Love & strength to us all on here! God bless.

 

Thank you so much for answering!

[[ar...]]

Yes thank you again Lara and I’m sorry you’re suffering so much.

 

You’re a blessing. Take care and God bless x

[Guest [Ru...]]

Guys, thank you again from my heart for your kindness! I mentioned another buddy who had suffered badly from akathisia and who’s now healed. Please excuse my disjointed notes (I have heavy fog and DP/DR today). You can read Mark’s story here:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=172113.0

 

He found himself ‘stuck’ on several drugs when he joined BB, among them an anti-depressant, a crossover to Valium from a Z drug, and an anti-psychotic. He worried about being a parent (to 4 kids), and his akathisia was unrelenting for a long time. He literally trudged through hell – but he’s happy, healthy and THRIVING now, doing better than ever!

 

What I get from my reading is that, for some of us in this stage of healing, akathisia is NORMAL. Up till now, our feelings have been repressed by drugs. Now the body is working hard to heal as we taper the drug(s), and all these feelings and fears come flooding back, causing a glutamate storm in the brain. For us, it shows up as akathisia. It’s scary and painful, and IT SUCKS!

 

But ultimately, the body is simply releasing all those feelings that have been repressed for so long – all the agitation, fears, sensations, etc. I try to think of my brain as healing itself by ‘re-tracing’ those feelings, working through them in a healthier manner, i.e. without the numbing of the drug. The brain is using this magnified fear/agitation response to re-balance, to relearn how to process emotions, and to heal. It knows how to do this, our bodies are wonderfully made that way – we just have to get out of the way.

 

It might feel like it’s taking forever, because it’s SO painful, I know. But, in time, the intensity and length of the bouts WILL diminish – as you can read in Mark’s story. Every baby step is a step closer to healing. NONE of these feelings can hurt you. Unpleasant though they are, they are signs of healing. This is how we heal. And a beautiful, much healthier life will be patiently waiting for us all – as it did for Mark.

 

Much love and strength to everyone who reads here.

 

 

[[ar...]]

Thank you Lara, such an inspiring story.

 

I just cannot come to terms with that I’m on this big benzo compared to 8 weeks ago. If only I’d had this encouragement then to get through the horrific akathisia then.

 

I do worry that it’s constant for me and just varies.

 

I’m struggling with how long this is all going to take, the depression and fear stamps on my hope.

 

The big cut I made three weeks ago has really ramped things up the past week. Was hoping I could get the dose down quickly as haven’t been on the clonazepam long.

 

With this and two ads to taper I fear it’s going to be years and that I won’t survive as I’m housebound and largely alone.

 

Never got stable from last year’s cts.

 

How did you come off your ad/s?

 

I’d ct’d the escitalopram then it was reinstated. Wish I was off it now.

 

Sorry to be so low, just can’t see my light.

 

It feels I have years of suffering ahead.

 

Thank you for your positivity and encouragement xx

[Guest [Ru...]]

AP, at the stage you're at, it's normal for the akathisia & agitation to be constant. As you're still on a cocktail of drugs, you can't be sure what's causing what - there's kindling, possible tolerance, your past ct's and continuing withdrawal all coming into play... Mark's situation was the same, as was mine. When this happens, there's really only one way out, and that's through. You need to devise a strategy to taper off, preferably one med at a time, and stick to it, no matter what. Usually, when you up-dose or add new drugs in this situation, it just causes worse complications, as your CNS becomes increasingly sensitized. This will only add more years to your healing time.

 

This is the truth, unfortunately, that no one wants to face. There is no easy way out for any of us. It's a matter of biting the bullet - because what other choice do we have? In this situation, folks usually panic - no one wants to go through this awful pain for an extended period of time, so they think that speeding up a taper or jumping off a med will make it go away faster. We are all different, and a few people do get lucky (a vast minority on here), but usually a rapid taper or a cold turkey just prolongs the suffering in the long run...and makes any future tapers even harder. A slow, consistent taper is simply less of a shock for the body to deal with.

 

My best advice, and it comes from a place of love and seeing your pain, my friend, is to formulate a sensible taper plan, brace yourself for whatever it takes to come off, and stick to your strategy. After committing to your plan, we can put our heads together on here to try and come up with practical resources for you - a kind of survival 'toolkit' for the days you feel you cannot cope.

 

I tapered off my last a/d, but too fast (6-month taper). I didn't know any better at the time - I just wanted off. I paid dearly for that mistake, and ended up on a benzo. Never again, for me.

 

Sending strength and a warm hug.

[[ar...]]

Thank you for your honest and proactive response Lara.

 

Do you think I’ve really screwed up with the clonazepam? It honestly leaves me feeling desperate that I took it.

 

I’m hoping to get through this cut at some point to a less awful kind of awful then decide: escitalopram or clonazepam first.

 

Thank you for your help. X

[[ar...]]

Ps I’m sorry I’m all over the place with no plan.

 

I know I want to get off the escitalopram and the clonazepam before the Mirtazipine.

 

I have no plans to add more drugs or updose etc.

 

It’s helpful for you to explain it’s normal for me to have akathisia at this stage.

 

I really do value your support x

[[An...]]

Thank you Artistprayer -

 

I was experiencing akathisia during my own taper and also the hospital taper, but I also had hip surgery in August, 2017 right before I started to taper, so I was unsteady on my feet because of that.  It just made it worse.

 

I was not in a "severe" state, but pretty bad.  I woke up on Wednesday, February 7, 2018, took my 6:00 a.m. dose, went back to sleep and woke up again at 10:00 a.m. feeling like I was poisoning myself.  At that point I made the abrupt decision to sign myself into the 4 day detox program at a local hospital. 

 

During my time at the hospital, they switched me from Xanax to Klonipin because it has a longer half-life.  I was definitely experiencing withdrawals in the hospital because of the rapid taper, but nothing compared to what I've been feeling since I jumped.  While there, they dropped my dose and spread the doses out.  I gave myself 5 months to go from 5mg a day to 2.5mg a day.  They took me from 2.5 to 0mg a day in 4 days.  It was too fast.  I'm glad I did it because I wanted that part of the torture to end, but the real torture was just beginning. 

 

As I'm typing this, I went from having severe palpitations, to ok for a moment, and now to feeling dizzy with a headache and that's all within 5 minutes. 

 

When I'm feeling hopeless, I try to remind myself of the w/d symptoms I'm no longer having, which I equate with progress.  Nonetheless, it's been pretty horrific.  I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other every day until this is far behind me.

 

I'm wishing the same for everybody on here.

 

Angel.

[Guest [Ru...]]

AP - I'm really sorry you're suffering so badly. And I apologise for not always replying promptly. I seem to be going in and out of acute right now, and then I'm completely non-functional. It turns me into a terrified mess.

 

Unfortunately, it's impossible to say how the clonazepam is affecting you, considering your history in your signature. It's so unpredictable - my best guess is that kindling is a factor.

 

Mark was only on benzos for a few weeks, I think, and still had to taper very slowly. Many on here report similar experiences. I'm not saying that is definitely your situation, but I think it's possible, due to the kindling and your symptoms.

 

Please try not to be scared, AP. You are NOT permanently messed up, and we all have setbacks in this process. You're doing your best under very difficult circumstances. If you taper as you propose in your last post yesterday, you WILL come through it all. You WILL heal. As Angel says, right now it's about putting one foot in front of the other every day.

 

Angel - thanks also for all your input. It makes us all feel less alone. I'm sorry for what you're going through. But you're lucid and positive - I think you're doing great for this part of the journey.

 

Prayers and blessings to everyone here.

[Guest [Ru...]]

For all of us:

 

Anything that has power over you is teaching you how to take your power back.

Anything you fear is teaching you courage to overcome your fear.

Anything you can't control is teaching you how to let go.

- Jackson Kiddard

[[ar...]]

Hi Lara

 

Thanks for both your posts. I’m sorry I know you’re in acute and dealing with difficulties yourself.

 

The akathisia eased off somewhat later yesterday but is back at more severe levels today. Can’t stop moving.

 

I woke in a panic in the early hours about the clonazepam.

 

I feel my cns is very unhappy.

 

It’s three weeks since my cut and no sign of things easing really. I feel I want to get off the escitalopram as it does cause akathisia and as I’ve said before it was where it all started with it suddenly turning on me in 2016. Though I didn’t know it was the drug then.

 

But what if I’m too kindled to do anything?

 

You know how you want to do something to make things better and the only option is to cut? Or keep holding. But you want to cut in hopes it’ll bring relief!

 

AP

[Guest [Ru...]]

You're welcome, AP!

 

I'm glad you saw a tiny break yesterday. Hang on to that. Those breaks will grow in future.

 

Please don't worry about the kindling. Many, many on here have been badly kindled (me included). It can make things harder, but it will NOT prevent your healing in the long run. You just want to avoid more of that in the future.

 

Regarding cuts/holds: You'll learn to recognize your own unique pattern. I tried to hold, but could never really stabilize. I figured I was either in tolerance, or I'd tapered too fast in the beginning. So now I just keep cutting at the same super-slow rate all the way down, no matter how terrible I feel. I know about wanting relief!  Sometimes you just have to keep going, regardless. It WILL come. Crawl when you have to, AP. This pain will be in the past one day.

[[ar...]]

You’re a Blessing Lara! 💕

 

How much do you cut?

 

I wonder if the aka is just drugs and that’s that. Maybe it doesn’t matter what I get off first!

 

Do you mind me asking which ad you were on?

 

Escitalopram is a real bugger, 5mg I’m left on is pretty potent. But I have ideas of cutting .5mg a time. I know some recommend 5-10% of current dose but that’d take me 3 years.

 

Wishing you deep healing as you progress 🙏

 

 

[Guest [Ru...]]

AP...thank you! 

 

I'm doing a daily liquid micro-taper, where I dissolve the Ativan in vodka (yay - the only nice thing about this trip  ). I cut 0.0004 mg a day - crazy, huh?

 

I was on citalopram (although I'd been poly-drugged before that). I was advised that it would be easier to cross over to Prozac to taper, due to the longer half-life of fluoxetine. I did so, but regret it. Prozac never agreed with me and I tapered off too fast. The withdrawal was very bad...

 

I wish I could advise you better on escitalopram. We all react so differently. Try not to focus on timelines, although we all do, I know! The main thing, as I see it, is to build your body up as you go down in your taper(s), so you can step off as strong as possible. Every time I go too fast, my body goes into shock and I feel like I lose more healing time in the end - I stop sleeping, lose hair & weight, become non-functional, etc.

 

I've gone super-slow for a year now. I'm still suffering badly mentally, but physically I've improved greatly: regained the lost weight, got color back in my skin, softer hair, better energy, etc. So I try to hang on to that on the darkest days.

 

Wishing you deep healing, too, sweet friend! Just keep going forward, be gentle and support your body. You can be better at the end of this than when you started. I've seen it on here multiple times, so I KNOW it's doable.

[[ar...]]

Oh Lara I wrote a long response then sent and I’d been logged out so it’s lost.

 

I’m really struggling badly with the akathisia. The constant horrid toxic feeling all over and the movements. It just makes me scared and so low I get thoughts I can’t go on with it, did you have that?

 

I’m worried I’ve shocked my system too much and it won’t settle (I’ve always had it but the really intense stuff only came on in January pre clonazepam and now since I made that cut).

 

I have a constant exhaustion with it and screwed up face with the tension.

 

But you’ve got through years of this? It really ranks my fear and despair levels up.

 

AP

[Guest [Ru...]]

Those thoughts are typical for akathisia, AP. The neurotransmitters are all out of balance - that's what causing it. Everyone on here gets those thoughts. It's normal.

 

Don't worry about your system being too shocked to settle. It just needs time to calm itself, and for everything to come back into balance. It happens for everyone, as we heal. Many on here have walked the same path: ct's, reinstatements, etc. They healed. So will you.

 

People on here talk a lot about the importance of acceptance. Part of what they mean by that is to accept that this road will often feel impossibly difficult - sometimes for extended periods of time. You're in that time now, AP. Try to see it that way. There is nothing wrong with you that time off the drugs won't cure. The pain is part of the price we pay to get to the other side.

 

You're stronger than you think, AP. Don't trust the feelings. They're not real (F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real). Yes, I've had years. But I've recently started to glimpse the other side, AP. And it's more beautiful than I ever dreamed. You will get there, and you'll see. And it will be worth it.

[[ar...]]

God bless you and your patience with me.

 

Just hope I can taper eventually as this has freaked me out. The past 9 months to a year have been extremely bad. I kinda thought I was ok to start tapering.

 

I long to see the beautiful again! Sounds amazing.

 

Thank you for keeping me company as this is a lonely road with the akathisia.

 

💕

[Guest [Ru...]]

AP, I still go to the dark place where you're at now. In and out. It does get better, also because you learn that it WILL lift again. And that you only need to outlast it. And that, dammit, you can, simply by carrying on your taper. And putting one foot in front of the other. You won't always feel the way you do now.

 

There's a quote by a spiritual teacher I love: 'We're all just walking one another home...'

 

That's why we're here. No one should have to walk this road alone.

[[ar...]]

Oh yes I’ve heard that quote, it’s beautiful.

 

There’s something about taking the clonazepam when the aka is really bad that makes my thoughts really dark and nasty 😢

 

I didn’t have this until the akathisia got severe in January.

 

And now I don’t know what the drugs are doing on top of it all. How they’re interacting.

 

My mental symptoms are pretty bad.

 

Thank you for listening.