2 years and TIME is what it took!

[[ml...]]

Hello ML ! Thanks for coming back and i am so happy to hear you living life to the fullest.

 

Unfortunately i am still in the trenches - 19 months and counting. Seeing slow improvements but at a snails pace

seem to have hit a windows and waves cycle finally. Hopefully not long to go. Just gotta keep going...........

 

 

Good to hear from you my old friend 

 

Hey my buddy! SO GOOD to hear from you, thank you for your post 

19 months!!! OMG, I remember when you first began your journey. So proud of you, here you are, closing in on 2 years yourself!

I know the struggle is still there and you had such a brutal time of it, but you have stayed the course and you have not given in!! 

CHEERS and celebration indeed, because your so close to the day this is a distant memory for you. 2017 will be so much healing for you!

 

Blessings and keep going, your a winner indeed, even at a snails pace. Remember slow and steady like the snail, wins the race 

~Lysa

[[ml...]]

Thank-you so much for your inspirational post and so very happy that you are doing well!!!  Much needed today 

 

 

I'm so glad it helped you! Blessings, your gonna get there! 

[[ml...]]

"I was scared of my house, places in my house that I remembered going thru the scariest things. It's all gone now, it's all faded away. I rarely think about it and I love my home again. I don't see, or remember those scary thoughts"

 

Thanks for these encouraging words. This line speaks to me greatly. I'm am 3 months off after a very gradual taper. I have had some windows that have lasted almost  2 weeks, so it's hard to complain but even during those windows I have these unsettled feeling when thinking about my home, yard, street, and town. It's awful bc I otherwise love all of these things. I feel like this may be one of the last things to go. I have totally worry that I will never be able to shake this "feeling". I know rationally that I'm in a better spot than where I was a year ago when this mess started, but but it's just that weird, only benzo-withdrawal sufferer feeling Fearful feeling that I hope goes away someday. Any feedback on your evolution on this would be great!  Thanks.

 

 

Oh boy do I GET IT!!!! Thank you for your post, because even though those fears and very, very odd, strange, and frightening feelings have now passed, it still validated me, even today, 2 years after that living torturous hell! I remember being terrified of my bed, as all it did was represent hours ahead each night of relentless, heart racing, cortisol rushing FEAR, for hours all night long, in  the crushing darkness.

In the middle of the night, dead of winter, mind you...when this all started Feb, 2 years ago, I would go sit outside in the FREEZING cold, while my whole family was peacefully sound asleep and I was battling pure hell inside my mind and body. I would sit for hours, rocking back and forth in total horror, waiting for the morning, just praying I would live thru another night. The nights were the worst for me. I was terrified of the dark. SO WEIRD! I could not wait until daylight for months on end. It's like a new day rescued me from all the terrors of the night. I would go sleep in chairs and anything I could find that I could get somewhat comfortable, in different rooms in my house, because I was so afraid of my bedroom. I think back on that now and realize how freaking weird it all was and it really is all in our head and our damaged brains! 

 

Anyway...I want to encourage you, that time is what is takes, lots and lots and lots of time, which is the hardest thing, because we can barely process one day in this healing, let alone try and think, where will I be a year from now. I just began to celecrate each new week that passed and the wonderful thing about time, is that is does rack up, so hang on and just stay focused on today. Celebrate each week and month, knowing you will never be in acute again and soon enough 2017 will be another healing year behind you, instead of in front  of you!

 

Blessings, 

~Lysa

[[ml...]]

mlmagic, can you tell me more about your tinnitus?  It is my worst symptom.  I'm at almost 11 months off, and the tinnitus is relentless.  I'm still so afraid it will never go away.  I know we're all different, but where were you with it at 11 months?  I keep waiting for it to fade, as everybody tells me it will, but I don't see progress.  It seems to be worse in the mornings and constantly fluctuates in loudness.  I need hope.

 

 

Hi, so sorry your battling that darn inner ear stuff! Well, the odd thing is, the tinnitus did not start up for me until about 11 months out. It just all of a sudden hit me full force! It lasted all the way up to almost my 2nd year and I still have it here and there, but it is very mild now and more annoying. I just ignore it. I am convinced, this benzo healing takes a minimum of 2 years and likey 3-4 to really be able to look back and see what's really healed. It's the strangest thing for sure, like layers of an onion. You peel back one layer and there is still more to come. Just know it all gets better from here. My second year, I had deeper marked healing and even though I feel 100% functioning again, I also know my body is still in this 3rd year, going to get even stronger. It's miles and experience with this thing that proves that and nothing but time under your belt gets you there.

 

Blessings, you got this!

[[ml...]]

Thank you for sharing your success.  I remember your success story from last year and it gave me so much hope. I am still struggling ... but better than last year at this time. I pray that it will soon be 100% gone.  You have given me so much hope for this evening.  Wishing you lots of love and joy for your life. 

 

 

Hi and thanks so much for your reply. I am gald you are better. Believe me, it took all of 2 years to get me where I am, with lots of mountain-tops and valleys all along the way. Just to be able to have 2 full years under your belt in this crazy journey feels like I won a gold medal!

 

You got this and keep on keepin on!

Blessings, ~Lysa

[[ml...]]

Thank you so much for this!  I just went back and read your introductory post - our stories of how we started this wicked ride are very similar, in both our reasons and patterns of taking benzos.  I really relate to the surprise that you felt when you realized you'd been taking something so harmful without even researching it!  I research everything I eat or do.... but I was so desperate for sleep and anxiety relief during peri-menopause while going through an awful divorce that I just trusted my doctor.  I think the fact that I'd been on SSRIs for years and years had also greatly clouded my judgment.  I also "accidentally" C/T'd when I just stopped taking it, not realizing I was taking an addictive drug.  I spent about three days thinking I was dying or losing my mind, in utter terror and despair before I realized what was happening!

 

I'm one month out and still having a very terrible time.  Anxiety is the worst sx by far.  I just started a new job about two months ago, and am getting negative feedback from my boss.  I'm scared to death that I'll lose my job, but the awful thing is I don't have the clarity of presence of mind to be able to figure out if my job is at risk, if my boss is unreasonable, or if my anxiety is controlling my thoughts and imagination... it's been just an awful, awful few weeks.  I'm actually grateful to be experiencing physical symptoms, because as long as I have those as well, I feel more grounded in knowing that it's wd, and I'm not just losing my mind. 

 

I'm experiencing the same odd sensation of fearing my home and everything in it.  It's just a weird, sick sensation of dread...  I'm terrified of dying, and I can't find any sensation of rest or peace or goodness.  I'm a single mom, and I find I'm kind of projecting these feelings onto my kids as well, and have to keep telling myself that they aren't feeling the same things that I am.  I can't stand to be in my bedroom or look at the bed because I'm terrified of experiencing anything like those first few horrible nights of acute w/d.  I'm rambling, I know.  Truly I amazed that I'm able to string words into sentences at all right now.  I do want to thank you for shining a light in a very dark place.  I keep reading and re-reading all the success stories, and clinging to them for hope.

 

Hi Cominghome,

 

Oh I send you GIANT hugs and cheers! 

One month out...oh God, do I rememebr. It was such a milestone for me and it felt like I had trekked thru hell in deep quicksand, just to make it 30 days! Everyday I made it, I felt like I had just did a triathalon in my mind and body. It's all SO INCREDIBLY exhausting!  :'(  Be VERY patient with yourself mentally & physically these first weeks and months. Just do your best and I asked God to do the rest. Your still in the throes of it big time and although your likely all out of acute, it's different for everyone. The fear you describe is so very real, but I PROMISE, it will pass. 

 

I was afraid of everything too...my house & my bed especially, because it represented hours of torture in the darkness each night for months on end. My couch, where I remembered spending 3 nights straight there, knowing I was not gonna make it and I had resolved I would die there and I gave it up and asked God to just take me. My yard...it was crazy. All I could see was terror that I cannot describe, but benzo survivor's know it well. There was only one section in my patio I could go and somewhat breath in the fresh winter air 2 years ago. I would look up at the sky and just cry and pray that I would make it.

Please God, just let me make it 5 more minutes. I prayed this prayer every 5 minutes for weeks on end, until it FINALLY began to lift and those 5 minutes turned into hours, then days...I would get a small window. It started as just a few minutes here and there and HAPPINESS began to return. I felt like me, for only 10 minutes sometimes, but it gave me so much HOPE!! Then an hour, then a few hours a day, then a day, a week and then a few days and week, until I could really start to see I was getting better. I started to not remember the torture I went thru on my couch those awful nights. I started to love my cozy bed again and embrace my home and that is was mine and safe again. What happens to our minds in this WD is inhumane.

 

I quit those damn pills CT, so I set myself up for quite a ride and did it without any knowledge of the danger of benzos and the WD that could happen. If I can get well, so can anyone after what my body went thru. Keep going, DON'T try and place a timeframe on this, it is what it is, but I can promise you it will get better! I went thru friggin menopause too in the middle of all this, plus the 2 family deaths I had to walk thru. U N B E L I E V A B L E!!! I'm forever thankful to God for what He did for me. He NEVER left me, not once...even in the middle of walking thru searing hell.

 

You got this, one day at a time, steady as she goes 

~Lysa

[[ml...]]

I love your story, what a remarkable healing story! Thank you sooo much for coming back amnd sharing it.

 

Thank you 

[[ml...]]

Thank you for coming back and give us a hope for healing. We all so looking forward to story like yours  who are still suffering.

Congratulations for  beating  benzo!!!! Wishing you a very happy life feeled with health, love and lots of laughs.

Hugs 

 

Thank you so much! 

[[ml...]]

Congrats! So it took the full 2 years to heal?

 

Well that's a hard question to answer... 1 year for sure and in that time there were setbacks and also many milestones. The 2nd year, deeper, more permanent healing. It's like the layers of an onion, there is always another layer. I believe this 3rd year will be even deeper in terms of getting stronger. There is a trauma you are left with after this, that you have to work thru for sure and the only true healing is time, lots and lots of time.

 

Blessings, ~Lysa

[[ml...]]

Dearest Lysa,

    This is beautiful!!! It is encouraging to read your latest post and see you've gotten even better! Thank you for taking the time to update us. Your support through my early days off was so generous and kind....thank you! Knowing your life is full and healthy makes me happy.

 

  I am nearly 19 months off. Still challenged on a daily basis but more signs of healing keep emerging. It is a slow go! I'm holding your story as a beacon.....hopefully I will join you before long!

 

With great appreciation, compassion and congratulations,

 

Carita

 

 

Hi sweet carita, so good to hear from you! I am so happy to hear you are progressing along. It's such a journey, full of mountaintops and valleys all along the way. Blessings to your contiuned recovery  2017 will be a MASSIVE healing year for you!

Lysa

[[ml...]]

Hello fellow warriors! I have not been here at BB for a really long time. So I wanted to post a hope message for you all, as I can remember the days where this was my only lifeline on the entire planet. I hung onto every story and every ounce of hope.

It took an entire year to really feel normal again and now I celebrate 2 YEARS since I swallowed the last rotten Ativan, I would ever swallow again.

 

I know how important hope is and the hope I clung too for me, when I thought I'd die and never live thru the next second, minute, hour...the day and especially the nights. I was so afraid of night time. The relentless Akathisia, depersonalization, 24/7 HORRIFIC panic attacks, tinnitus, heart racing out of control, the vibrations, the rushes...OMG, those cortisol rushes...the fear, the thoughts of losing my mind, the irrational thinking, the burning flesh feelings, the word benzo and what it was doing to me, was never out of my mind, the insomnia, the head & ear pressure that was so intense, I thought my brain would explode any second. The brain zaps, MONTHS of waves, in relentless roller coaster HELL, day and night, filled with the most intense fear I can't even begin to describe, but you know...you all know that are in this battle and those that have recovered from it and made it thru to the other side. I could go on and on about the horror movie it all was and everything that happened to me, but there is enough of all that here on this board.

The beauty is, the windows did come and the light began to shine again. So this post is one of hope and encouragement, for those coming here that need it, so you will know it can happen. I am now 100% healed and I never thought I could ever, ever say that...NEVER. I would never have believed in the first few months and year, that what happened to me, could ever be made right again. My CNS was so damaged and had gone so haywire, I had prepared myself that I really did myself in, when I quit CT on Feb 1st, 2015. But here I am now, 2 years later and I am fully healed, restored and living life 100% normal again.

 

My life I dare say, is even better than before, because I learned so much thru this journey of recovery about myself, meds and what I really needed to do to stay off future medication. The fact that I never even think about benzos anymore is the most incredible miracle, because I can remember when it was all consuming, looping thoughts for months and months on end. I was TERRIFIED. I have my mind back, its sharp and clear and I feel intelligent again! You don't really realize how this crap dumbs you down, till you look back after a year, or 2 and see what it was doing to you. I made stupid decisions, spent money I never should have spent and on & on, while under the influence of Ativan. Just total craziness and it's now all over, thank God! 

I was scared of my house, places in my house that I remembered going thru the scariest things. It's all gone now, it's all faded away. I rarely think about it and I love my home again. I don't see, or remember those scary thoughts and images anymore, that were like demons torturing my mind and following me around for months on end. It has all vanished now.

Getting off this poison is one thing, but once you recover, then what? A whole new plan, lifestyle, healthy boundaries to control stress and a new mindset needed to be faced. It's hard to put into words what 2015 was like for me, it was the most challenging year of my life. Along with WD, I also had my dad and my brother die, while I was in the throes of acute WD. I didn't even have the mind to process it and because of that, I have had delayed grief to face and get thru. I was in such shock at the time because of WD, I could not even begin to process their deaths. It still hurts and my heart aches, to even think about it. It was unreal, surreal and there really are no proper words to describe it, just none and there never will be. But I am working thru it and my thoughts and mind are my own again.

 

What I am truly amazed at now, is the human body's ability to heal itself and what it does to get there, given enough time, patience and good self care. It really is a miracle after such a traumatic event and I know I will never, ever touch a benzo again, outside of some surgical procedure, I may need down the road, where they are used for sedation. That is all they should ever be used for. I have found out so much about this class of drugs since my experience and I tell everyone I can, what can happen, if they take them over 2 weeks, or a Dr is giving them an RX for them. I have saved a few unsuspecting souls from the hell this all was and I am so grateful that my story and and journey was not in vain. To help others, with my story thru the trauma I endured, feels really good.

 

So...I hope this update gives you all needing a shot of faith, hope and healing, what anyone out there may need today. You can do this, you CAN and WILL recover. The only thing in the end, when all was said & done, is TIME...Lots & lots of TIME. So keep going, one hour and one day at a time, until you too have your story of healing. It will come. I thank God everyday what He did for me, but especially right now, as I realize...2 years is now here and for most going thru this, that is a real and permanent healing mark in this recovery.

 

Love & hugs fellow BB.

Lysa

 

 

oh my i needed this so bad....thank you.  :smitten:

 

So glad it helped you, we all help each other so much!! No one...just no one understands this like we all do.

Blessings, 

[[ml...]]

So happy for you, and thank you for taking the time and effort to come back and post your story of success for those who follow.

Challis 

 

Thank you challis and for all you do here on BB. 

~Lysa

[[ml...]]

Lysa--

Amazing success story and so well written. Your words are so hopeful to those still in the trenches, while at the same time relatable to those of us, including me, who had a hard withdrawal and long  road to recovery but are now healed.

 

Congrats on your healing.  Thank you for sharing.  You're my hero today!!!  :smitten:

 

Thank you and I am so HAPPY to hear you too are healed. My oh my what a journey this is. We can conquer the world after that battle. LORD!!!

 

Blessings, 

Lysa

[[Fe...]]

Wow! I needed this today... !

You are an inspiration Lysa. Your story mimics mine. I just hit 11mo and am still in the thick of it.

I dream of the day I'm where you are at...

my question to you is when did you start to turn a corner ? Or notice some big improvements?

 

And regarding Brain zaps- I don't read about them often on here, but I've had them all along . I also have this weird brain sensation that feels like whooshing or sometimes a falling sensation .. I hate it all.

 

I'll be especially thankful when I have waves that aren't 10/10.

 

Thanks again for being a light at the end of this dark tunnel

 

~Debbi

[[li...]]

Thank you so much for that story of hope. It's so great that you are healed and living the life you deserve!

I can sympathize with you because you went C/T, I tried that at first and had all of those horrific sxs before I tapered properly. It's like looking into a mirror when you hear of others and their descriptions of what you went through. Stuff nobody else even believes and tells you its all in your head. Only we know how crazy and truly horrific all those feelings were. Thank you and congrats!

[[...]]

Hello there!  Your success stories are my all time "go too" when I'm needing a word of encouragement.  God has a plan for all of us, and I know after going through breast cancer and now this that it is to help others along their journey, and you are doing just that by sharing all of this with us.  It truly gives us hope!  I'm thankful for this site as it led me to my guardian angel I met on here and people like you who gives us hope!  Thank you and God bless, enjoy your life!  I can't imagine being 100 percent healed and better but with Gods help I'll get there!😘

[[Ca...]]

Thank you so much for your story,it give us all here hope!

I have to ask if you also suffering form depression and conastant anxiety during the wd?

 

[[Wi...]]

Thanks Lysa. Really needed this now.

[[Su...]]

Yeah we got some positive input!!  This we need tomorrow us going.  Thank you for leaving your story so we can benefit from it.

[[Le...]]

Thanks so much for your encouraging post!!!  It really helped.  Beside all of the anxious and panicky feelings, insomnia, &  heart racing -- of which I am starting to see a sliver of healing at 6 weeks, I am dealing with the burning skin sensation.  I am wondering where you felt the "burning flesh" (as you put it) on your body and how long it took to go away.  Thanks so much!!!

[[Ar...]]

This is my "go to" success story whenever I start feeling that this will never end.  Thank you for sharing your journey with those of us that are still suffering. 

[[me...]]

Hi Lysa! I hit the 2 yr mark this month as well.  I need to write my success story.  It has taken me 2 yrs to heal as too.  I am glad you and I are on the other side now and can put that nightmare behind us !  Meggie 😊

[[bl...]]

Thank you again, Lysa, for your story. I'm going thru a wave and just read it again to keep me going !  Meggie, I'm looking forward to your success story!  I'll watch for it!  Thanks, for remembering those of us who are still suffering and coming back to spur us on to the finish line of healing!

[[ni...]]

Oh my! This gave me such encouragement! Thank you! I'm nearly 6 weeks into w/d and it's horrific. Almost all symptoms gone except head pressure/dizziness/aches. I was on Valium, Norco for 4 months, so I figured it would be over by now. I'm very weary and my spirit is broken. I'm new to this site so I know I'm probably missing so details. But can you tell me how long you were on Ativan and does w/d depend on how long you took benzos?

[[He...]]

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