2 years and TIME is what it took!

[[ml...]]

Well done Lysa!  Enjoy your life

 

Thanks Drew! How are you these days...I hope your healed and WELL! 

[[ml...]]

Thank you for coming back and taking the time to update and reassure. Reassurance is vital in this especially when it drags on a long time. Even though you recovered sooner  than I am doing, (I know that 1 day of this is enough)  I  can understand everything you describe. We are all different and you suffered long enough and healed. So we all need to hang on to the fact that our time will come. 

 

Thank you for saying that you never thought you would recover as I think it's universal that we all think that. I know I do, even though I've kept working through this, that's all my life consists of right now and the thought of never being able to enjoy the rest of life and having to white knuckle through work day after day is terrifying. You are a special person for remembering all the rest of us desperate for this to end.

 

Thank you so much, so glad your life is free and happy 

 

Ahh marj, I so get it 

 

The thing I came to really understand is the fear and feeling like you will never get well IS part of the damage. The irrational thinking...just all of it and when a wave was going on, ALL rational and reasoning left me. Now I can think, concentrate and work my way thru a tight spot, vs freeze in consuming fear and worry. Hang in there, as its all part of the deal, with our brain healing.

 

Blessings, 

[[ml...]]

Thank you so much for posting your story, Lysa. As one who is afflicted with anxiety, I wonder when it will ever leave. I'm okay with day-to-day stuff, but throw some stress into the mix and my head and body undergo the strangest transformation. I don't even recognize the person I once was. I know it's not normal because it's a weird chemical feeling.

 

You've been through it all, and I'm so sorry about your brother and dad. I understand the delayed healing. We are so blunted in our emotions that it's hard to process things.

 

I'm so happy you're enjoying your life now!! I wish I were in your shoes!!  :thumbsup:

 

 

Thank you Terry for the sweet words...you will get there, one day it will truly be over. That chemical anxiety is awful, so awful  :'(

I was not the best at handling anxiety before benzos, so my basline still is what it is, but going thru the kind of fear that this dishes out, well...I have a whole new perspective on anxiety and I have learned well when to say no, where my boundaries are in my life, so I take care of me first! I was the yes girl to everything and eveyone, well not anymore. That helps more than I can say. Prioritize big time!

 

Blessings and your a fighter! 

[[ml...]]

Thank you for coming back to share your story! Happy Anniversary-Off-Ativan! As the others here have said, the hope that your story brings to those of us still in the trenches is invaluable. Thank for you thinking of us.

 

Stay happy and healthy, and enjoy your life!

 

Thank you Lapis...good to "see" you and hope your doing well 

[[ml...]]

Thank you , Lysa, for remembering those of us who are still in the trenches of withdrawal. I can't tell you how much it means that you would come back to tell your story and give us hope and encouragement!  I will reread your story whenever I'm having a hopeless day and I know it will help tremendously just as it has today!

 

Thank you! So sweet. I have a few SS story and other posts you can read on if you look me up. I had the craziest story of my life in 2015. Lord what a whirlwind from HELL! If I can handle THAT, I can handle anything. It is true as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger and I'm living proof! 

 

Blessings 

[[ml...]]

Hi Mimagic,

 

Congrats on your Success Story - I love reading those!

 

It's silly of me to ask, since healing is individual, but when did your head pressure/headache go away? That has been an "anchor" symptom for me - I've had it since the very beginning. I figure when the head pressure goes, that's probably when the withdrawal will be completely over!

 

Second, how are you in terms of the anxiety level that got you on benzos in the first place? Some people say they are far better now then they ever were in dealing with anxiety, since they went through a storm and everything else pales in comparison. I guess it depends on the person, but I figured I'd ask.

 

Hi and thanks for the response. As far as the head pressure and for me I had the added ear pressure as well, It took over a year, I'd say 18 months before that finally began to fade. It would still come around here and there, but eventually, I just didn't notice it anymore. But let me tell you, it was SEVERE and the longest sx I had for sure. Also tinnitus. Every now and then I'll get a little, but pretty much gone.

 

As far as the anxiety, yea, that's what brought me to benzo world in the first place. A Dr giving me an RX for it. I agree with what you said, even though I seem to be hard wired for anxiety sensitivity, its a cake walk compared to what WD was. I have learned how to manage it pretty well and the right breathing is key if it flares up. Its a journey I'm still on, but that's life too. I'm learning some anxiety is helpful and my red flag to prioritize. I have learned alot about not pleasing everybody around me.

Healthy boundaries feel good and take care of alot of that darn anxiety.

 

Blessings and hope that helped you 

[[ml...]]

Thank you to each and everyone of you that wrote to me and responded. You help me, as much as I help you. It's a beautiful thing!

 

[[bl...]]

Hi Lysa!  I went back and read your old posts all the way from the beginning of your journey and all I can say is "WOW" !  You have been a constant encourager to others even while suffering yourself. Your story is uncannily similar to mine in so many of the details except that I don't have a doctor to work with to help me through this. Mine have all told me that it is not possible to still be going through withdrawal at 5 months out of a CT from xanax.  They have decided that I need to be put on an antidepressant ...um.......no thanks !  I'm not ever going back to being a slave to any drug. So I'm on my own and plugging along. The help and encouragement I get here on BB is priceless and keeps me going forward. From reading your old posts I gathered that exercise was very instrumental in your healing as well as the suppliment of fish oil. I have been afraid to take any supplements so far but I think that at this stage of the game it might be beneficial. Can you tell me what your dosage was and if you ever experienced any negative side effects from it?  It sounds like you were very blessed to have found a doctor who truly understood the evils of benzos. Thanks again for remembering us and for still being an encourager !

[[Mi...]]

Thank you for posting.  Your story is very similar to mine so I love when I see your thoughts it does help.  I am kind of going through a set back now, but it to will soon pass.  Thanks again.

[[Lo...]]

Hello ML ! Thanks for coming back and i am so happy to hear you living life to the fullest.

 

Unfortunately i am still in the trenches - 19 months and counting. Seeing slow improvements but at a snails pace

seem to have hit a windows and waves cycle finally. Hopefully not long to go. Just gotta keep going...........

 

 

Good to hear from you my old friend 

 

[[Bu...]]

Thank-you so much for your inspirational post and so very happy that you are doing well!!!  Much needed today 

[[Ro...]]

"I was scared of my house, places in my house that I remembered going thru the scariest things. It's all gone now, it's all faded away. I rarely think about it and I love my home again. I don't see, or remember those scary thoughts"

 

Thanks for these encouraging words. This line speaks to me greatly. I'm am 3 months off after a very gradual taper. I have had some windows that have lasted almost  2 weeks, so it's hard to complain but even during those windows I have these unsettled feeling when thinking about my home, yard, street, and town. It's awful bc I otherwise love all of these things. I feel like this may be one of the last things to go. I have totally worry that I will never be able to shake this "feeling". I know rationally that I'm in a better spot than where I was a year ago when this mess started, but but it's just that weird, only benzo-withdrawal sufferer feeling Fearful feeling that I hope goes away someday. Any feedback on your evolution on this would be great!  Thanks.

[[iw...]]

mlmagic, can you tell me more about your tinnitus?  It is my worst symptom.  I'm at almost 11 months off, and the tinnitus is relentless.  I'm still so afraid it will never go away.  I know we're all different, but where were you with it at 11 months?  I keep waiting for it to fade, as everybody tells me it will, but I don't see progress.  It seems to be worse in the mornings and constantly fluctuates in loudness.  I need hope.

[[Ar...]]

Thank you for sharing your success.  I remember your success story from last year and it gave me so much hope. I am still struggling ... but better than last year at this time. I pray that it will soon be 100% gone.  You have given me so much hope for this evening.  Wishing you lots of love and joy for your life. 

[[He...]]

Thanks and Congrats!! 😁

[[Co...]]

Thank you so much for this!  I just went back and read your introductory post - our stories of how we started this wicked ride are very similar, in both our reasons and patterns of taking benzos.  I really relate to the surprise that you felt when you realized you'd been taking something so harmful without even researching it!  I research everything I eat or do.... but I was so desperate for sleep and anxiety relief during peri-menopause while going through an awful divorce that I just trusted my doctor.  I think the fact that I'd been on SSRIs for years and years had also greatly clouded my judgment.  I also "accidentally" C/T'd when I just stopped taking it, not realizing I was taking an addictive drug.  I spent about three days thinking I was dying or losing my mind, in utter terror and despair before I realized what was happening!

 

I'm one month out and still having a very terrible time.  Anxiety is the worst sx by far.  I just started a new job about two months ago, and am getting negative feedback from my boss.  I'm scared to death that I'll lose my job, but the awful thing is I don't have the clarity of presence of mind to be able to figure out if my job is at risk, if my boss is unreasonable, or if my anxiety is controlling my thoughts and imagination... it's been just an awful, awful few weeks.  I'm actually grateful to be experiencing physical symptoms, because as long as I have those as well, I feel more grounded in knowing that it's wd, and I'm not just losing my mind. 

 

I'm experiencing the same odd sensation of fearing my home and everything in it.  It's just a weird, sick sensation of dread...  I'm terrified of dying, and I can't find any sensation of rest or peace or goodness.  I'm a single mom, and I find I'm kind of projecting these feelings onto my kids as well, and have to keep telling myself that they aren't feeling the same things that I am.  I can't stand to be in my bedroom or look at the bed because I'm terrified of experiencing anything like those first few horrible nights of acute w/d.  I'm rambling, I know.  Truly I amazed that I'm able to string words into sentences at all right now.  I do want to thank you for shining a light in a very dark place.  I keep reading and re-reading all the success stories, and clinging to them for hope. 

[[Be...]]

I love your story, what a remarkable healing story! Thank you sooo much for coming back amnd sharing it.

[[Vi...]]

Thank you for coming back and give us a hope for healing. We all so looking forward to story like yours  who are still suffering.

Congratulations for  beating  benzo!!!! Wishing you a very happy life feeled with health, love and lots of laughs.

Hugs 

[[Ca...]]

Dearest Lysa,

    This is beautiful!!! It is encouraging to read your latest post and see you've gotten even better! Thank you for taking the time to update us. Your support through my early days off was so generous and kind....thank you! Knowing your life is full and healthy makes me happy.

 

  I am nearly 19 months off. Still challenged on a daily basis but more signs of healing keep emerging. It is a slow go! I'm holding your story as a beacon.....hopefully I will join you before long!

 

With great appreciation, compassion and congratulations,

 

Carita

[[Bl...]]

Congrats! So it took the full 2 years to heal?

[[Lo...]]

Hello fellow warriors! I have not been here at BB for a really long time. So I wanted to post a hope message for you all, as I can remember the days where this was my only lifeline on the entire planet. I hung onto every story and every ounce of hope.

It took an entire year to really feel normal again and now I celebrate 2 YEARS since I swallowed the last rotten Ativan, I would ever swallow again.

 

I know how important hope is and the hope I clung too for me, when I thought I'd die and never live thru the next second, minute, hour...the day and especially the nights. I was so afraid of night time. The relentless Akathisia, depersonalization, 24/7 HORRIFIC panic attacks, tinnitus, heart racing out of control, the vibrations, the rushes...OMG, those cortisol rushes...the fear, the thoughts of losing my mind, the irrational thinking, the burning flesh feelings, the word benzo and what it was doing to me, was never out of my mind, the insomnia, the head & ear pressure that was so intense, I thought my brain would explode any second. The brain zaps, MONTHS of waves, in relentless roller coaster HELL, day and night, filled with the most intense fear I can't even begin to describe, but you know...you all know that are in this battle and those that have recovered from it and made it thru to the other side. I could go on and on about the horror movie it all was and everything that happened to me, but there is enough of all that here on this board.

The beauty is, the windows did come and the light began to shine again. So this post is one of hope and encouragement, for those coming here that need it, so you will know it can happen. I am now 100% healed and I never thought I could ever, ever say that...NEVER. I would never have believed in the first few months and year, that what happened to me, could ever be made right again. My CNS was so damaged and had gone so haywire, I had prepared myself that I really did myself in, when I quit CT on Feb 1st, 2015. But here I am now, 2 years later and I am fully healed, restored and living life 100% normal again.

 

My life I dare say, is even better than before, because I learned so much thru this journey of recovery about myself, meds and what I really needed to do to stay off future medication. The fact that I never even think about benzos anymore is the most incredible miracle, because I can remember when it was all consuming, looping thoughts for months and months on end. I was TERRIFIED. I have my mind back, its sharp and clear and I feel intelligent again! You don't really realize how this crap dumbs you down, till you look back after a year, or 2 and see what it was doing to you. I made stupid decisions, spent money I never should have spent and on & on, while under the influence of Ativan. Just total craziness and it's now all over, thank God! 

I was scared of my house, places in my house that I remembered going thru the scariest things. It's all gone now, it's all faded away. I rarely think about it and I love my home again. I don't see, or remember those scary thoughts and images anymore, that were like demons torturing my mind and following me around for months on end. It has all vanished now.

Getting off this poison is one thing, but once you recover, then what? A whole new plan, lifestyle, healthy boundaries to control stress and a new mindset needed to be faced. It's hard to put into words what 2015 was like for me, it was the most challenging year of my life. Along with WD, I also had my dad and my brother die, while I was in the throes of acute WD. I didn't even have the mind to process it and because of that, I have had delayed grief to face and get thru. I was in such shock at the time because of WD, I could not even begin to process their deaths. It still hurts and my heart aches, to even think about it. It was unreal, surreal and there really are no proper words to describe it, just none and there never will be. But I am working thru it and my thoughts and mind are my own again.

 

What I am truly amazed at now, is the human body's ability to heal itself and what it does to get there, given enough time, patience and good self care. It really is a miracle after such a traumatic event and I know I will never, ever touch a benzo again, outside of some surgical procedure, I may need down the road, where they are used for sedation. That is all they should ever be used for. I have found out so much about this class of drugs since my experience and I tell everyone I can, what can happen, if they take them over 2 weeks, or a Dr is giving them an RX for them. I have saved a few unsuspecting souls from the hell this all was and I am so grateful that my story and and journey was not in vain. To help others, with my story thru the trauma I endured, feels really good.

 

So...I hope this update gives you all needing a shot of faith, hope and healing, what anyone out there may need today. You can do this, you CAN and WILL recover. The only thing in the end, when all was said & done, is TIME...Lots & lots of TIME. So keep going, one hour and one day at a time, until you too have your story of healing. It will come. I thank God everyday what He did for me, but especially right now, as I realize...2 years is now here and for most going thru this, that is a real and permanent healing mark in this recovery.

 

Love & hugs fellow BB.

Lysa

 

 

oh my i needed this so bad....thank you.  :smitten:

[[Ch...]]

So happy for you, and thank you for taking the time and effort to come back and post your story of success for those who follow.

Challis 

[[gr...]]

Lysa--

Amazing success story and so well written. Your words are so hopeful to those still in the trenches, while at the same time relatable to those of us, including me, who had a hard withdrawal and long  road to recovery but are now healed.

 

Congrats on your healing.  Thank you for sharing.  You're my hero today!!!  :smitten:

[[ml...]]

Hi Lysa!  I went back and read your old posts all the way from the beginning of your journey and all I can say is "WOW" !  You have been a constant encourager to others even while suffering yourself. Your story is uncannily similar to mine in so many of the details except that I don't have a doctor to work with to help me through this. Mine have all told me that it is not possible to still be going through withdrawal at 5 months out of a CT from xanax.  They have decided that I need to be put on an antidepressant ...um.......no thanks !  I'm not ever going back to being a slave to any drug. So I'm on my own and plugging along. The help and encouragement I get here on BB is priceless and keeps me going forward. From reading your old posts I gathered that exercise was very instrumental in your healing as well as the suppliment of fish oil. I have been afraid to take any supplements so far but I think that at this stage of the game it might be beneficial. Can you tell me what your dosage was and if you ever experienced any negative side effects from it?  It sounds like you were very blessed to have found a doctor who truly understood the evils of benzos. Thanks again for remembering us and for still being an encourager !

 

 

Hi susan,

 

Wow, thats amazing you read all thru my posts. I did as well those first few months, reading everything I could, when I was sure I was dying. I needed to tell myself this would eventually pass and I was like others. It really helped and gave me proof, that I was not alone. To be perfectly honest, I know the only thing that truly healed me was time. Taking supplements did very little in the healing process. I do believe though that the fish oil did help my brain. The Doc that helped me, explained that it would greatly help the GABA receptors to be strengthened while they were healing and rebooting themselves as he called it. In the first year, I took a GOOD quality, very pure fish oil with a good DHA/EPA ratio. Just read your labels. 1300 mg a day for several months.

I took some herbal stuff to help with sleep, but I doubt it did much, cause those hideous cortisol rushes were just too strong. They had to run their course and he explained that to me as well. Basically benzos fry our adrenals, CNS and GABA receptors and when we stop taking it, there are these "damaged" parts, very sick in our body, trying very hard to do what they do, but they can't for a long time.

So it's haywire till homeostasis returns and it will. We are all different and come with our own unique DNA, so healing will come, but unfortunately, it's not something we can predict. 

It really helped me to understand this process and it takes a looooooong time for the CNS to heal. I stopped fighting it and just let it happen, that really helped me mentally. Exercise is key and so is distraction. I had the cortisol rushes so bad, that it kept me fired up in extreme fear based panic, 24/7. So I would go walk for as long as it took and try to blast the chemical surging out of me. It calmed it down some, but again, Time, time, time and NOT giving up, is really what has brought me where I am.

 

In the beginning, just thinking about 2 years ahead was like terrifying torture. I was afraid of everything. The outside world felt like this weird planet I was on and I didn't belong...I didn't belong anywhere. How could I ever make it? How could I ever get there, but I did and so will you get to the day you look back and know its over.

 

Blessings and keep up the fight! Your a brave one indeed! 

Lysa

[[ml...]]

Thank you for posting.  Your story is very similar to mine so I love when I see your thoughts it does help.  I am kind of going through a set back now, but it to will soon pass.  Thanks again.

 

Hey Mike. Setbacks come and go for sure in this crazy deal...The craziest thing I've ever been thru and I'm no spring chicken anymore 

Every now and then, I will have a gentle sweep...thank God it's gentle, of the old and VERY familiar sx. Usually due to stress. But it goes away so quickly, I hardly notice and I just laugh at it now, because I know, I will NEVER, EVER have to go thru that hell again.

Blessings in your FULL recovery 

Lysa