Depressed Lately

[[Mi...]]

I can't ever be sure if it's the withdrawal or not though.  I had nightmares related to my parents even since I was a little kid.  And I have argued quite often ever since I was in high school or earlier.  Especially since being on the benzo I've been shaky around them expecting to be upset by them.  And I feel like life is not worth anythign if I keep feeling anything bad about them.  They don;t deserve it despite a few types of mistakes they've made.  So there's no way I would want to stay away from them totally or keep blaming them or whatever my mind is doing.  And when I have those bad thoughts I then truly believe I'm a bad person because they're very bad thoughts.  For one thing not feeling as much concern as I should.  Having trouble "feeling".

 

But when I talk to them I feel more normal again... I talked to my mom on the phone and she made it beyond obvious she's concerned about ME as much as herself and it's always obvious that she does not deserve for me to have bad subconscious thoughts.  It makes me MAD that with all of my reasoning I come to the conclusion that they love me and I love them and there is no reason to be mad I STILL can't even make myself think properly.

 

If I never felt it before the benzo I would not be as panicky.  I don't understand why when I feel bad my brain automatically feels anger towards my parents.  Apparently my subconscious isn't in sync with my conscious because my natural responses are not what I want them to be.  I'm worried I can't even get out of bed if I keep feeling this way.  If I were mad or hurt about someone else, fine.  But my parents are the two people I want to be at peace with.  Anyone else I can deal with it.

 

edit:  see now I just took my medicine.. my only dose of the day and I went from tons of anxiety to relaxed.  So it's still hard to know whether to get off of it.  I think I accidentally took close to one fourth of a pill instead of an eighth though because as I said in another topic I've been cutting with the pill cutter still so been off on my eighth doses and end up with everythign being bigger or smaller.  But anyway so since I immediately felt good again when taking a tad too much, but still much less than I used to take... it's tempting to stay taking some of it if it makes me happy.  Tough to know what's best.

[[mt...]]

Hi Midnight

The thinking you are having is called "Catastrophic Thinking".  It is drug induced and a huge part of the w/d syndrome.  Google it and read about it. My own process when I begin to crash is to begin to believe I will never get better, I will never be able to taper off (I am now down to 1mg of V from 15mg) my husband will leave me, something bad is going to happen to my kids or grandkids, a horrible sense that the worst is going to happen.  Its so amazing to me that once I get stable these thoughts so away and I think Oh that was withdrawal and yet once it happens again-I go right down path again.  At least now I know it is the thinking.  It is still painful and distressing but I can "separate" myself to some extent and I try and just focus on breathing in and out and repeat this is just the drug this is just the drug.

 

I have alot of "relationship" issues with many family members but  have decided to resolve them after I am well.  One-I don't need the stress and-two I know I am functioning from a drug induced prespective.  I do worry that letting them go on unresolved while I am healing might make them irreversible.  However I truly believe that I am in the fight of my life and for this one time in my life I have to take care of me. 

 

I hope you feel better soon.  This is a rough journey we are all on!

 

Mimi

[[Mi...]]

Thanks.  I may be forced not to get off the med because now I found out one lymph node of my mom's had cancer in it also.  So now I had a horrible day and I worry I'm going to die.  She was told survival rate is high, but I thought it was all taken care of with her surgery.  So now my mom isa saying thigns such as "don't worry about me.  I lived long enough to see my kids be grown".  So it's like she's apparently sure she will die or something.    I can;t handle it.  I started sweating and getting chills and trying not to show it around her but I had no choice but to.  I was in another room when I was crying.  I'm the type who holds things in and I cried several times today and worry I will die because of how much it bothers me what could happen to her.

 

And my dad said how I was a great son and stuff and I said no I wasn't and cried.  All these bad dreams I have about them over the years.  Me being scared of them, them trying to hurt me in my dreams, me trying to hurt them, all these abd thigns when they love me in real life.  I can't even get happy pictures of them in my head when I'm alone and I start panicking again.  Yet I know I love them or I wouldn't have gotten so upset.  Now all at the same time I have to deal with my med, me worrying about my mom, and me feeling guilty for having had bad thoughts about her.  I can't live through minor thigns hardly so how can I live through such horrible things. 

[[Wa...]]

1) Remind me why you decided to get off of the benzos in the first place. 

 

2) Midnight you may want to get a councilor and talk about your bad dreams about your parents.  Especially if you were having them befor the benzos.  A councilor can not only help you work through why you are having these kind of negative thoughts and also help you deal with the medical problems your mom is going through.  Everyone would understand you needing to talk to someone to help deal with something like that.

 

3) Also, try to remember that the closer you get to getting off the benzos, the more the benzos will try to convince you why you shouldn't.  I have read from many people on this formun that start to get close to the end of their taper and I notice them starting to come up with reasons why they need to reinstate.  Life is always going to through you some tuff challenges.  Just ask yourself if you are you sure you can't face them without the benzos and remind yourself why you wanted off of them in the first place.

[[Mi...]]

I mostly wanted off them for this exact reason.  Not being able to control my thinking and having bad thoughts about my parents despite them having done nothing to me in many years other than ebing a bit grouchy.  But I've fought with them most of my life... partly due to me being so sensitive and always thinkign they will hurt me emotionally.  So it's hard to know if I would be any better off the emds or not.  Other than weird thinking I've been fine on the benzo, so if my thinking doesn't get "normal" off them then it's a waste being off them.

 

I truly just wonder if I can live without my parents.  That's the irony is that I care about them so much yet I will have bad dreams where i am scared and hitt hem or something.  There were really only a couple memorable bad incidents involving either one of them ever.  But my mom didn't show emotion often and my dad and I have constantly argued.  And despite there being 99 good things they've done for every 1 bad one I can't make myself remember it.  Or basically my mind knows it, but apparently my heart desn't.  And when I try to picture them when I'm alone I can't picture them well and I picture them as frowning.  That scares me.  That's probably a lot of the problem is when I think of them I automatically have a frowning picture in my mind so how am I going to think GOOD THINGS about someone when i'm picturing them in a way that makes me nervous.

 

I'm probably just flat crazy.  All those advice columns always say if you're worried you're crazy then you're not really crazy.  But my thinking is getting so confusing that I get a headache from not being able to stop thinking and worrying.

 

As far as the therapist I've been to many before and they never seem to do anything or are veryw eird.  I think I mentioned on here that one of them told me in the past i would be better off if my parents died!

[[Mi...]]

I dont know how to make it through this.  I feel like I can't do it.  And this is with the survival rate suppsoedly being high.  If she were definitely dying then obviously I couldn't handle it as I can't handle anything.  I am abrely out of bed and haven't been able t eat yet.

[[Mi...]]

Now I had intrusive horrible thoughts again.  I don;t know how you can't feel like a horrible person when you're already worried something bad will happen to someone you care about and then you actually think horrible things regarding them right as they're talking nicely to you and talking about doing nice things.  So I'm battling multiple things.  I got so sick from worrying I felt like I would throw up and so far I haven't been able to eat today and only ate half my normal food yesterday.

[[Pa...]]

The more you think about this stuff, the more power you give it.  Can you get out, do something to distract yourself?  What about going and helping out at your folks house, wouldn't that make you feel better about yourself and the situation?

[[Mi...]]

I was over there a couple days ago and helped a little and later I got all shaky and had to come home.

 

As far as the thoughts if I knew theyw ere jsut nonsense it would be easier to ignore them, but I can't believe I have violent images about loved ones go through my head if I love them.  Yet I know I love them and am not really "thinking" anything bad... it's just there because I think my mind tries to think things it knows aren't ok to think.  I try to think loving thoughts hoping it will make the others go away, but sometimes it doesn't work.  So then I feel like a bad person and I'm not even trying to think anything bad.

 

There are signs I MAY feel better soon today, but it's hard to know.  I just don't understand why it's so hard to simply be at peace with my parents.  That's a whopping one thing I care most about and yet there is always something trying to force me to have horrible thoughts.  What if I go crazy and seriously forget I love them or I forget all the thigns they've done for me and I suddenly remember them badly.  It's already odd that when I'm around my mom I know what a great person she is, yet due to being hurt a few times long ago I end up thinking badly when I'm away from her.  it's like my brain can't even remember she was nice when I just left from seeing her.

[[Pa...]]

Midnight,

 

Your BenzoBuddies are not qualified or equipped to help you with many of the things you have going on in your mind.  I feel it would be a good idea for you to seek counseling again for the thoughts you're having.  You are more than welcome to discuss issues dealing with benzodiazepine withdrawal, but I feel some of your more complicated issues would be best left to professionals.  I don't want to see others upset by the thoughts you're expressing on the forum.

 

Pam

[[Mi...]]

People have said elsewhere on here that the benzos cause bad thoughts.

 

edit:  Notice this link explains that violent thoughts is indeed part of intrusive thoughts and on here it was said that benzos can cause them also.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrusive_thoughts

[[Mi...]]

Now to make me even worse is the fact that I CAN NOT even come remotely close to cutting pills into eighths.  I might as well be taking nothing or else taking one fourths because all that's happening is me taking different amounts each day probably barely under a fourth.  I can't take much more of this stress.  Almost nothing is going right.

[[mt...]]

Hi Midnight

Have you considered titrating.  It may be that as you get lower in your dose it might be helpful to titrate so you can make tiny daily cuts in your dose.  Some people get some relief when making tiny daily cuts as opposed to larger weekly biweekly cuts.  

 

I know we can all tell you that a huge majority of how and what you are thinking is due to W/D. But when you are in the horror and fear of benzo withdrawal- it is hard to KNOW THIS AS IT ALL SEEMS SO REAL AND URGENT AND OVERWHELMING. Please know that W/D symptoms are caused mainly by benzo-damage to the GABA functioning parts of your brain AND body. AND The same thing that causes W/D physical symptoms also causes the psychological symptoms.  Unfortunately you will not be able to discern this until you are benzo free and healed.  

 

I am 58 years old and many times when I tapered a bit too fast and my symptoms increased I became very depressed sad and thought alot about my DAD who has been dead for over 25 years  Lamenting over our relationship what could have been on and on....  And then on to old friends no longer seen...then onto wishing I had been a better parent...  On and on and on...  The once I would hold my dose for a while and get stable-all of the thoughts would go away and I would be normal and happy.

 

I hope you seek some support as Pam suggested.  You are in a dark place and need someone to hold your hand and help you find your way.

Sorry you are feeling so bad.  I hope this helps..I am thinking of you!

 

Mimi

[[Mi...]]

Thanks, mimi.  I try my best to just keep hoping it will stop.  I know it's happened to me before (I'm not sure if when not on benzos or not... cant remember totally) and it eventually would stop and I'd feel better.

 

A lot of the problem is I have nobody else.  When I want to try to feel better I know nothing to think about other than think about my mom and then if it's something bad when I'm trying to think something good, that bothers me big time.

 

I think honestly I keep expecting she'll get through this, but now since I pulled myself down I'm now thinking "even if she'sok well some day everyone does die" and so then I panick how will I live without her when I base my happiness on her.

 

I didn't want to try titrating because it seemed more complicated rather than just pressing down on something to cut and then done.  I may have to though.  I don't know.

[[Pa...]]

Midnight,

 

You might want to consider titrating as Mimi suggested, but you could also crush your quarter pill into a cup of water, stir it well and drink half of it one day and the other half the next.  It's called a simplified titration. 

 

Pam

[[Mi...]]

I thought of doing that, but don't have anything to crush it with at this point.

[[Pa...]]

Put the pill between two spoons.

[[Mi...]]

I may try it soon.  Not sure.  I looked for a pill crusher when at the store (fact I felt up to walking to the store is good) and the only one that had crush in the name looked like it was probably only a cutter.  So hopefully I can do it with the spoons or something.  I just don't understand how it can be certain it would spread evenly though.

 

Gotta love how a ton of minor annoyances all adding up to go with my big ones.  Now a cricket is making so much noise inside that I can't stand it.

[[mt...]]

I hear you!  It has taken me a month of "thinking" about going for a walk to actully find my socks and shoes and PUT THEM ON!  I am on my way out the door. 

 

I am proud of you for going for a walk.  You are moving and getting put of the house as Pam suggested!!! Good work.  ONE STEP AT A TIME.

 

As for pills If you have plastic wrap or wax paper you can put you pills between 2 sheets and crush them. 

 

Keep fighting sister!

Mimi

[[Mi...]]

It's gettign pretty hilarious now how off I am on doses.  I just took my med and I thought hmm this doesn't feel as big on my tongue so I took a tiny piece along with it hoping it added up to an eighth.  lol

 

I really didn't seem to feel many symptoms even 24 hours after taking a small dose the day before, so I "think" maybe it wouldn't be too bad to keep guessing for a while and then stop totally.  It "seems" like the symptoms aren't any worse when I take a little lower than the day before.

 

Right now I feel pretty good.  And I did most of my normal routine.  Hopefully I stay this way or improve rather than going back down like i was the past few days.  I'm hoping maybe all of this was necessary to get me thinking about some thigns in life and that I will stop being depressed and my mom will be ok.  I'm nervous that I may go back downhill though.  And my mom goes to a doctor about yet other issues today.

[[Pa...]]

Just try to enjoy feeling good, the bad might not come back.

[[mt...]]

Hi Midnight

Glad you feeling better.  Since you are in a good place this might be a good time to go to the Titration Plan section and ask for a plan (give your current dose) and instructions.  Ask for a slow plan since you are feeling a bit shaky with all that is going on in your life.

 

Also...  It is a good idea to keep our doses steady and not underdose or overdose.  Our body is trying to repair and jumping around is confusing.  I think there is also a video on Youtube with titrating instructions. 

 

The best thing you can do for your mom is for you to get healthy.  As a mom I want happiness and health for my children...more than anything.  Stay focused on being the best person you can be...

 

You have a great source of support ans wisdom here at BB's!  Reach out and keep going.

Thinking of you

Mimi

[[Mi...]]

I don't know what I will do.  I'm tired of trying to figure it out.  And now I saw a celeb died and that has me depressed as I'm tired of hearing about death.

 

What I really hate is that instead of me wanting to call my parents to cheer me up by me hearing them talk I sometimes am nervous calling them and it makes me mad at myself for apparently having some grudge or letting fear stop me from calling. I think I'm nervous they'll judge me on mistakes I make, I think, also.

[[Pa...]]

Who died?

[[Mi...]]

Well not a true celeb, but a former pro basketball player.  Either way it's depressing seeing murder news in the news all the time and I try to avoid it then still see it.