Depressed Lately

[[Mi...]]

My relatives do know tons of people and are freidns with everyone, but not sure which particular jobs they could help with.

 

My degree is in a science, but I also almost got a writing degree.  Some skills I have which aren't from actual classes include programming, good organizational skills, pay attention to detail and so don't make many mistakes, creative in some ways, care about doing the job right (heck 90% of people don't even seem to care how they do their job lol), and usually accomplish my goals.

 

I'm not really sure what else.  I'm not horrible at really anything.  I'm good in balanced ways.  So many want experience, however, that they're going to end up with someone who won't do a good job since they're not considering other things which aren't measured by experience.

 

As far as a deadline, I could technically make it another year at this apartment.  All that would happen is by the time the year ended I would probably be in such a slight amount of debt that my check for the next month would pay it immediately all off the day after the lease were to be done.  I'm not really good with deadlines so if I keep thinking I must do this by a soon date I'll never get anywhere probably.  And also that's why I need to not get a job where you have hard deadlines for everything.

 

Oh and another skill I have is I can basically write anything for any audience.  So technical writer is probably a job I would be good at, but then again it would have deadlines that may be hard and stressful to meet.  I also have great math skills (well great for simple math, I hate calculus) and accounting could have been an option.  I would personally rather have a job where I interact with people some though.  It would seem I wouldn't, but I'm sick of being isolated.

[[Wa...]]

As far as a deadline, I could technically make it another year at this apartment...I'm not really good with deadlines so if I keep thinking I must do this by a soon date I'll never get anywhere probably.  And also that's why I need to not get a job where you have hard deadlines for everything.

 

Hi Midnight,

 

Just a friendly little note, the comments you made here are the type of comments one makes when they want something, but they really are not ready to do what it would take to achieve it.  The idea is not to stress yourself out with deadlines, but to realize that you have enough time to get started and take your time.  Starting is always the hardest part.  Also, getting a job because you need the money is not the only goal I thought, but getting a job because you want the social interaction is important to you.  Why wait to have this?  (At least why wait to start taking steps to have this?)  It doesn't mean that you have to put a suit on and go interview somewhere today (unless of course the opportunity comes up), but that you at least are taking steps in this direction.  It sounds like you have alot of skills to offer so it may be a good idea to start looking at job openings to see what is out there and what interests you.  When you read the help wanted in the newspapers, what jobs stand out to you that you may be interested in applying for?  Start putting together a few different resume styles that would appeal to different types of jobs that you see in the paper that your interested in just so you have them ready should an opportunity come up.  Your degree is in science; what type of science when considering the job market?  Ag science?  Environmental science?  Physics?

 

On another topic:  how is your benzo withdrawal or tapering coming?  I can't remember if you started yet or not. 

[[Mi...]]

I wasn't mentioning I could stretch it out longer before getting one in order to have an excuse to wait.  I was basically saying I don't want to feel like I must have the actual job by a particular date or what will happen is if I don't think I'm moving fast enough towards it I'll just flat give up.  I'm just trying to get my mind to feel like yes I need to be workign towards it, but not be panicked thinking I'm on the borderline of "too late to do it in time".

 

I've actually gone on a couple job interviews before.  I don't know why I then was unable to keep moving forward.  I was prepared to accept one job if they hired me, but they didn't.  I felt really good about myself for having gone to the itnerview.  I eas very depressed over a breakup too and still forced myself to go.  But since then I haven't known how to best get myself going after one.

 

And yes I want a job for various reasons.  And the employers are going to automatically not want me because of no experience yet in reality if it's thought about in a different way it should be a positive that i actually "want" to get a job without "needing" one because someone with a ton of experience could still be worse if they don't truly want the job.

 

I'm tired so I'm sure I'm wording this crazily.  But anyway I majored in an environmental science (basically meteorology_.  Been a while since I got the degree though so I'm sure that will be held against me too.  I get discouraged about even trying to get a job when I think of all these things they'll consider negatives.

 

Yes I've tapered down from my full dose a few weeks ago to now only 1/4 of my dose and I not only have zero side effects, but I even feel better than when I started.

[[Mi...]]

What makes me mad is when I DO something productive with my spare time it never ends up as I want.  I ekep spending a lot of time making programs I was going to sell then boom someone else will make one similar for FREE before i'm even finished.  I've got to think of new ideas of what to make which others won't think of.  And still planning on making a dating site, but haven't yet thought of a domain name.  And I want it to be for meeting people as friends also... but have a dating section to it. But no matter what site I make they end up dead.

[[Mi...]]

This drives me NUTS.  nOw another huge roach was in here and I couldn't get to it before it disappeared.  Little things get me so annoyed.  A lot of little things building up today.  And having some bad thoughts again.  Unwanted ones.

 

edit:  well I found it in the bath tub and killed it.  Hopefully it was the same one.  I found it right after typing that I couldn't find it.  Now Im off to take a bath not long after dead bug guts in it.....

[[Wa...]]

Hi Midnight,

 

I'm really glad that your not having too many bad withdrawl symptoms.  You are really lucky.  I'm having a few with the worst being insomnia.  The lack of sleep is starting to make me really irritable to my family and making it hard for me to think or function well.  I hate it.  But at least I'm not having as bad of symptoms as some of the other people on this site.  I feel so sorry for some of them.

 

So, if you know all the negatives a prospective employer may say at a job interview like, "So what have you been doing since you earned your degree?"  have some good answers prepared for them.  Just in the short time I have been communicating with you I can see some positives.  For example you could say, "I have been trying to start my own programming business and have written several different computer programs, but..."  Also, try to remember that all things are possible to him who has faith.  Yes, many jobs want individuals with experience, but some are willing to train the right person.  My employer just hired someone in my department that didn't have any experience at all in the job we were hiring him for, but his education combined with his excellent interview and great personality won him the job. 

 

Try and push those intrusive thoughts away and have a good evening.  Take care Midnight.

[[Mi...]]

Yes my programming is hopefully something I can mention and even have an example of maybe.  I'm not sure where to go with interview answers though.  Some tell me to just flat out tell them about my vision problem, for example.  Because I think some companies want to hire people with some sort of disability anyway due to tax breaks or something.  But I feel like they'll just use it as a reason not to hire me by them assuming it will make me slower.  In reality I get thigns done quicker because I like being done with stuff so while others are lazily moving along I rush through and get the job done quick.  I'm also a perfectionist so I pay attention to detail and don't make as many careless mistakes (on easy things) as the average person in my opinion.

 

Blah.  If they ask for references though I'm kind of in trouble there.  Unless I can get people I make programs for to agree to be references, but I've never met them.

 

I thought of telling them I just flat didn't need a job financially and that's why I didn't have jobs.  In reality the fact that I "want" a job now rather than "need" the money should be reason for them to want me hired.  But I doubt they'll look at it that way so I better have better reasons than that.

 

I think I would be a good employee for any job where I truly like it even a little.  As long as I don't flat out hate it I'll be relaxed enough to do good at it.

 

As far as withdrawal yeah I'm hoping I just flat don't get addicted to meds easily... because it's odd how smooth it's going after 4 years of taking the med.  I'm now down to one fourth of my entire dose.  I didn't sleep so great last night, but I got plenty sleep.  Just did it while waking up too many times basically.  Sorry to hear you have had insomnia problems.  When I do have insomnia it's maddening how bad it can make me feel.  So I know how it is.

[[Mi...]]

Now feeling kind of guilty again.  My parents came over, helped me with stuff, brought me food and gave me $500!  So that makes me even sadder that my brian randomly sometimes thinks bad things as if I have something against them and they're always doing stuff for me and going out of their way to help. 

[[Pa...]]

I hope you can learn to appreciate them and their kindness to you.

[[Mi...]]

I do, but I'm somehow still on edge about them sometimes and think unwanted thoughts that don't make sense for me to think.  I sure hope the benzo was most of it... it's sure happened much much less since I started tapering.  But I do remember having nightmares related to them before the benzo.  I'm not sure how to stop it.  It's kind of like when you know it's inappropriate to laugh at something serious and yet your brain makes you try to do it...  Somehow my brainw ants to think weirdly and inappropriately.

[[Pa...]]

I think being aware of it is good, that way you can work to correct it.

[[Mi...]]

Never seems to work for a long time though.  I don't know how to stop thinking bad things.  Basically unwanted thoughts that scare me, not me truly thinking something and meaning it.

[[Vi...]]

Midnight:  Have you tried CBT to find soulage for your negative thoughts? Or some affirmations? I am depressed and have therefore developed a tendency to think negatively about everything  alonside loosing my self-value. Yoga breathing (meditation) has been good alone and combined to affirmations.  With CBT I am still in the initial phase. BW Vic

[[Mi...]]

Yeah still using CBT as I have for years and it's helping overall.  Affirmations sometimes I do, but not as constantly as I should.  I have no clue why I consciously know I love my parents tohugh and yet subconsciously out of nowhere think bad thoughts or feel nervous around them as if I have some scar of some sort.  I know the real me wants them happy and never suffering or having anything bad happen to them.  But my thinking still goes all over the place as if I have some anger.

[[Wa...]]

Hi Midnight,

 

Sounds like you have some pretty good and loving parents.  The book you ordered (did you get it yet?) will really help you work out what ever is causing you to have negative thoughts about your parents. 

 

I have been on several hiring committees for various jobs and a little tip for you: a perspective employer will NEVER hire you just because you have a disability, you have been misinformed about that, so do NOT mention  your disability in the job interview.  There is too much competition out there and lots of skilled people with disabilities are looking for work.  When individuals talk about their disability in job interviews it makes perspective employers uncomfortable and it usually comes across as the person is trying to use their disability to get the job or already making excuses as to why you may not be able to do a good job, even if this is not the case.  However, do use the reason that you have not worked previously because the fact that you did not need money gave you the opportunity to persue some business ventures (the programming), but since they have not panned out you felt it was time to persue other career interests. 

[[Mi...]]

Yeah good points, although if I don't mention the problem at all they may think I'm lying if I don't give good eye contact due to my vision problem. You know how people think if you don't give good eye contact it means they're hiding something.

 

Yes I got the book and read a little of it and it was helping me.  But oddly yesterday I was having bad thoughts again and then read the part about how "some" epople are possessed so now i'm worried about that even though the point of mentioning it in the bnook was to have people not worry since it's so unlikely.  But I just don't understand that while I have good thoughts I have horrible ones in the back of my mind and then I feel guilty and I have no clue why those images or thoughts were even there.  I know a lot of OCD people have intrusive thoughts, but theys care me.  Not scared anything will happen, but just total guilt having ever thought them.

[[Mi...]]

I'm really decently depressed.  My head's hurting bad from the latest taper still.  And my mind goes back and forth thinking weird combinations of things.  For example one minute thinking good thoughts about someone and the next thinking bad ones.  It's driving me nuts and I don't know how to stop it.

[[Pa...]]

Try to distract yourself, do some little projects around the house, take a walk, heck even housework helps.  Just try to stay busy.

[[Mi...]]

I'm trying to.  I feel so depressed today.  Some deep feeling of emptiness and no emotion.  Panicking thinking I should feel emotion and being concerned for my mom and instead I can't feel for some reason and this med I'm sure is causing a lot of problems.  I was determined to get off of it, but when I feel this bad coming off it makes me wonder if taking the emd was necessary.

[[Pa...]]

I couldn't feel emotions when I was withdrawing, I was dead inside.  Once I healed though, I was able to feel them again.  Keep working your way off, allow your body to heal and find out who you really are. 

[[Mi...]]

Yeah but I knew who I was before the med and I didn't like that either.  lol

 

I've had times where I couldn't feel emotion all through tkaing the med these years and really before it too.  It just upsets me so bad that i would be doing it when my mom is in the hospital and I want to feel appropriately.  I think she "should" be fine.  So appropriate wouldn't be deep depression over it, but it would surely be some concern and emotion and caring!  I care in my brain, I am concerned in my brain, but it makes me so upset that I don't feel proper.  It makes me feel like crying sometimes that I can't even think the way I want.  I can list all the reasons why to feel a certain way, why to not have any hidden grudges or anything, etc... and it's like I can't even make my mind think how I want.

[[Mi...]]

I don't know how I'm going to make it.  I feel almost hopeless.  I woke up feeling so upset I could barely get out of bed and it feels like I can't even think how I want.  I need to be visiting my mom and yet I'm all nerbvous at the thought of it as if I have bad feelings towards her, yet usually when I talk to her it goes well.  I feel almost hopeless because it's been ages since I started trying to accept people and feel positive about them and it feels like I cna't even think properly and if I can't then life is bad.

[[li...]]

i used to not be able to look people in the eye,,that has gotten better..the depression comes and goes in waves like a taper...now i have to push myself to get things done around the house i can't seem to wrap my head around all the issues that come up..i know if i accomplish something i'll feel better.

still fighting the "sads"

linda777

[[mt...]]

I was so depressed so many days all winter long...it was a struggle to breathe.  The only thing that brought me comfort was the vision of me walking on a warm sunny beach and hearing the sound of the surf.  Happily in the past month all the fatique and depression has lifted-completely.  Once I get free I am planning a trip to the ocean and giving some thanks for making it through...

 

I hope you can discover some vision of some place that can bring you some peace.

Hang in there...it will get better...  Take it one breath at a time.

Mimi

 

 

[[Wa...]]

Hi Midnight,

 

Sorry I haven't written to you in awhile.  My insomnia is bad and making it hard for me to function beyond the daily responsibilities I have.  It is good to have those responsibilities though as they help keep me distracted and get through this.  Several thoughts:

 

1) the only reason the book mentions people being possessed, like you said, is to point out that stupid people (I'm paraphrasing) will tell someone this who has alot of emotional problems when it is not true, only adding to the persons emotional problems.  There is actually another member on this forum who apparently had this happen to them!  It's dumb.  So, their point is, your not possessed, your just disfunctional in your thinking (again paraphrazing) and this can easily be fixed when you understand why you think the way you do. 

 

2) Nobody cares if you look them in the eyes anymore.  That is an old idea.  There are alot of cultures that now live in the U.S. where that is even considered rude.  There are also alot of people that don't do it all the time because they are mildly Autistic or ADD or ADHD.  Alot of these people can be highly functional and even above average intelligence, but their brain's are so busy they have trouble looking others in the eye.  I don't always look people in the eye, especially when I'm trying to think of an answer to a question or recalling something and sometimes I have to remind myself to look them in the eye.  It is not as big a deal as you think and probably something that you are just overly self-conscious about.

 

3)  The weird intrusive thoughts are a normal part of the withdrawal process.  I am having some of that myself and it kind of surprised me when it started happening.  Took me a little bit before I realized that it was even happening.  Thanks to this forum however, I recognized it sooner than I may have so I know I'm not going insane, it is just part of the process.  Just knowing this helps me cope with them and push them out of my mind easier.

 

4)  Go see your Mom.  I hope she is doing well.  Get out yourself.  You made me laugh at your comment at knowing who you were before the benzos and not liking that person either.  Funny.  You have a sense of humor underneath all those dark thoughts   Take care and talk to you soon.