Depressed Lately

[[Mi...]]

Well I hate to keep hijacking other topics to mention my own issues so just making this where if I feel depressed I can post in it.

 

I've been more and more shaky and thus depressed lately.  I assume related in a large part to tapering.  Maybe some due to me not getting as much exercise and also sleeping different hours a lot of days also.

 

Then it makes me start dwelling on all my issues and depressing parts of life.  Fear of death.  Feeling like I am holding grudges against parents.  Feeling regret over the past.  Worrying a lot.  All that starts out as anxiety really, but then depression due to not liking having the anxiety.

 

I sure hope this is temporary because I felt perfect while tapering until the past couple days.

[[Pa...]]

I'd say the tapering is catching up to you, I'm sorry to hear it, I'd hoped you would be one of the lucky ones.  What you're feeling though is caused by the benzo and when you're healed, you'll be able to see what is real depression and what was benzo induced.

 

Your job is just to hold on, keep tapering and accept that you're going to feel lousy until you feel better.  Try not to make any major decisions for the next little while until this passes.

[[Mi...]]

I still don't understand how slow tapering really helps.  Because as we all know the body wants more and more of the benzo.  So the longer you stay on a lower dose it seems to me just gives your body more time to decide it wants more rather than getting used to it.  It never really gets used to low doses as it always wants more.

 

I still believe it won't get much worse.  Hopefully I am right.  Because I already started feeling a bit more depressed due to events occurring also.

[[su...]]

ashton's tapering schedule is even slower

 

 

as far as depression goes I get little waves each day where I get very depressed but it goes away.

 

 

[[Mi...]]

I was just about to point out that I haven't felt as depressed the past few hours despite not having taken any more medicine since the other post I made.  SO either the med itself was causing it mroe than the withdrawal or else it's coming and going as you said.

[[Pa...]]

I'd say you probably need to stop looking so hard at yourself and what you're feeling.  Micromanaging anything is never a good idea.  Try to let things go, don't look so hard for any little change, or any new symptoms.  Just ride this out, keep reducing and get free from this mind altering drug.  That is the only way you're going to know what's really going on with you.

[[Mi...]]

Now my mom has to have surgery becasue of some mass and they haven't ruled out that it's cancer.  I already don't know how to keep going as it is with my other problems and this medicine and I can't deal with my parents having bad things happen.  Now I don't know how to keep from worrying over that and it thus causing my withdrawal to be even worse.  My dad already had cancer and then recently had a heart attack.  And I'm pretty obsessive so if I start worrying I may not be able to stop.

[[BY...]]

Hi, Midnight

 

I can really understand how you feel. Just came out of a deep depression also.

This is the first time I have talked about this in a post... My sister passed away about 4yrs ago from brain cancer, and what depressed me so bad, is at the funeral I didn't even cry.

We were very close and did so much together. I know it was the K that took my feelings away, and for that I'm ashamed. I'm also learning how share my feelings, and sharing how I feel helps me so much.

Keep sharing how you feel and that burden lift.

I'm praying your mom will be ok, and please let us know what happens.

 

Take care,

Mikey

[[Mi...]]

Thanks for the post.  I wish I knew that is why I feel how I feel, but I'm all confused now.  Now today I feel great and I'm now telling myself it means I don't care about my mom or I couldn't feel good.  But if I let myself feelbad then I wouldnt be able to function.  And it seems to me she will be ok.  So then I think I feel good because she will be ok.  But then I remember I've felt angry with my parents the past year especially and then I go back to thinking I want something bad to happen to her or I wouldn't feel good today.    I never feel how I think I should whether about parents, myself, God, life, etc.  I feel guilty like I am thinking in a bad way.    I see other people seeming to be happy when their family has big problems too, but I bet they really feel worse and just put on a front and so if I feel good it means I dont care what happens or something.

 

Sorry to hear about your loss and situation too.  It could have indeed been the klonopin, but tehn again some people who aren't on it don't cry either as I guess they're subconsciously trying to deal in some way.  Or maybe you know it was the med.  I don't know.  Everything is so confusing.  I already didn't feel right before the med though... I already reacted weirdly to some things.  All I know is I want my mom NOT to have cancer.  So I obviously care.  But something in my subconscious makes me alls cared that deep down I want bad thigns happening.  And I had a bad dream about my parents a few days before she found this out and I had a bad one about my dad a few days before he had a heart attack.  

[[Wa...]]

 

...start dwelling on all my issues and depressing parts of life. Fear of death.  Feeling like I am holding grudges against parents.  Feeling regret over the past.  Worrying a lot...

 

Lack of sleep and exercise during benzo w/d will certainly cause depression and anxiety, but if you are having some of the thoughts you listed above, you may also want to get to the bottom of where some of those feelings are coming from and deal with them while you are healing from the benzos.  There is a really good book called "Healing Of Damaged Emotions" that did wonders for me years ago before my benzo days when I was really depressed and going through a divorce.  It is not written for people going through divorce, it is for people having chronic problems with feelings of guilt, anger, hate, low self esteem, etc.  It takes a Christian perspective so if you are not interested in that there are alot of other secular books on getting to the bottom of some of the types of emotions you expressed here.  Just a thought on this.

[[Mi...]]

Thanks.  Yes I'm Christian and maybe that would help me.  I don't know.  i feel like I already know where things came from and that somehow I still don't feel how I want though.  I think I feel like my parents should have shown emotion better such as hugging and things like that.  Then I think well you can't expect people to be perfect and that's just how they were.  So then I think I should be at peace with them.  But no matter how much I analyze it I sometimes still feel bad.  I would say lately I've felt good about my mom most of the time though.  But like I said in that last post I'm feeling scared that I'm not feling the right emotions because I'm still feeling good through this.  I logically know I don't want my parents to ever suffer or die.  But at the same time I feel it's logical that I should feel bad yet I feel pretty good.  Even with all of this and my withdrawal I feel physically and emotioanlly pretty great.  So yeah I feel guilt there and guilt about bad dreams about them.  For anyone other than my close family and myself I don't feel depressed often.  But of course now I'll probably get depressed about that too and believe it makes me a narcissist if I don't feel emotion about strangers or extended family suffering.

[[Wa...]]

This book would be perfect for you then.  My mother and step father were both very abusive and I thought I had dealt with it OK.  This book not only helped me understand myself better but be able to forgive them so I could have a relationship with them.  There are alot of good books out there, but this one I have lent out to many people that have really liked it and grew from it.  Try it.  I actually pulled it out a week or so ago as I felt I needed a review because I was feeling really depressed and it helped alot.  That is why it was fresh in my mind to recommend to you.  I will pray for you.

[[Mi...]]

Assuming the name of the book has for in the title instead of of I just ordered it.  I assume it's the right one because it's written by a religious person and sounds the same.  I got the workbook because it has all of the text from the book plus a workbook for just like $2 more than the book alone.

 

While I was at it I added a video game I thought of gettign a while back.  lol  I hate to keep spending money on entertainment, but I was going to have to spend $5 shipping and needed to add an item t get free shipping anyway and the game used to be $50 and was now $20 so pretty much like I got the game for $15.

 

So a game and hopefully helpful book both for $32 doesn't sound bad.  lol  I started to get another book instead of the game, but couldn't decide.  Blah.

 

By the way, I don't consider my parents as being abusive or anything, but verbally they've said some things that weren't right, just as most people do.  And it's weird I keep wanting to forgive and have a good relationship yet something keeps some memories in my mind I guess.

[[Wa...]]

I'm so glad you got the book.  I think you will really like it.  I understand about the "not very abusive" parents also.  I have two kids that are now grown and I tried very hard to raise them with the kind of love that I never received as a kid, however we become our parents in some ways no matter how hard we try not to.  I was never abusive to my kids the way my parents were with me, but I was UNINTENSIONALLY verbally and emotional abusive.  As they got older I was open and honest with them about how my parents raised me and as adults they have admitted to me some of the things that I said and did that hurt them growing up.  I wish with all my heart that I could go back in time and take back mean things I said in anger and anything else I said or did that hurt them or made them feel bad in any way, but I can't.  Unfortunately, I didn't have good role models in the parenting area, so though I was better than mine, I still made mistakes that were hurtful.  Fortunately my kids our Christians and they forgive me.  They know how much I love them and as issues come up we talk about them openly and deal with them and forgive each other.  That book you are buying is actually one of the first books my Christian counselor gave me years ago that helped me turn my life around and become a better parent and person overall.  I hope you enjoy it.

[[Mi...]]

Thanks for the recommendation.  I'm sure I will like it and also most everyone who bought it rates it well so others must agree that it's helpful.

 

Well what disappoints me is my situation is like yours only my parents are the ones who tried hard and yet I still felt hurt over things they said and did.  My dad still says and does things he knows will bother me and then he thinks it's normal or kidding even though he knows how I take things.  My mom just gets annoyed easily and will roll her eyes like people did something dumb and both of them think if something isn't done how they think it should be then they need to constantly say their opinions.  But then again i ASK their opinions usually.  I basically depend too much on their opinions for my own happiness.

 

So in my case I know they both love me because first off they never kicked me out after many many years living with them and secondly they do practically anything I ask of them even if it's inconvenient.  And they probably TRY not to be hurtful.  They didn't intentionally ever WANT me to feel bad.  And I just don't understand why I can't accept them when most people would feel they're a LOT better parents than most I see out there.  It's a combination of them making mistakes and also me being sensitive so even a small tone of voice change can upset me even still with me being an adult.  And their parents were much worse.  And my parents never truly "abused" me even emotionally exactly... but thigns they said would be considered.... borderline I guess.

 

One incident with my mom stuck in my head for all these years and made me afraid she would hurt me and I think I likely exaggerated it a bit in my mind and it may be why I'm still not totally at peace.  But I did tell her about it and FINALLY got an apology out of her which was sincere although she doesn't remember doing it.

 

I just wish I had more of a life.  She always says that once I have more going on I won't dwell on the past and spend so much time worrying over my relationship with them.  But I really don't meet many people and so when i'm sitting ehre alone all the time I obsess over wanting to feel right with them.  And I sure don't want to just randomly forget them!  They do love me and I love them.  But I just wish they knew how easily the entire relationship could have been great.  If someone tells you it bothers them that you say certain things or say it in certain tones you'd think someone would try hard NOT to keep doing it.  I think they do try though, but they're stuck in that pattern.  Like my dad will argue a little over the dumbest, smallest things.  And my mom's always complaining about something or another.  But see they do that unrelated to me also.  It's just their personality and not me and not that they hate me.  Although my dad treats my brother better than he does me.  That doesn't feel so great either whether some is due to my fault or not.

 

Anyway I'm sorry what you also went through and I'm glad that you have been able to get to the point you did about it.  I personally think forgiveness is one of the most important things in life because if you truly 100% forgive and also you can mostly trust a few people then there's so much less to feel abd about.  Including forgiving oneself also.

[[Wa...]]

Hi Midnight,

 

It sounds like you have alot of "hidden emotions" that you need to let out and this is a good place to do it.  I'm glad I can be here for you.  Also, you don't need to feel sorry for my lost childhood.  Yes I would have preferred a nicer one, but my experiences have made me able to reach and help alot of kids that are troubled that other people don't relate to.  I have helped alot of teenagers over the years.  Because of my own experiences, I know what they are going through and why they are acting the way they do.  I have more patience for the "problem kids" then alot of other teachers.  So God has taken the "bad" in my life and has turned it around to be used for good. 

 

As far as your parents go, I can honestly say from experience that NO, just because you tell them something they say or a tone they use makes you feel bad doesn't mean that they will stop doing it.  They have been trained and conditioned to be that way and it takes ALOT of work, practice, and fall backs to undo many years of bad habits.  They really don't mean to be hurting you they just have some really ingrained habits that they are having trouble breaking and may not be able to without support.

 

Finally, having "more of a life" is up to you.  Sometimes it takes alot of courage and a huge effort to do it, which is harder for some people than others, but it really is something that you actually can take control of and make choices about yourself.  In fact, if you were developing relationships (friendships, etc.) with other people you might relax a little more about your relationship with your parents.  I really hope you don't get offended by my frankness, it is just the way I am, but I think that some parents make a mistake in providing a "shelter" for their kids when they are way into their adulthood.  Sometimes it makes it harder and harder for the kid to become independent and experience life when they do this.  My own adult kids have came and gone for various reasons, but at one point we had to gently "push" our daughter out of the nest as she had become stagnant and was not meeting people or doing anything with her life.  She has since thanked us for doing that and is now happily married.  It was really hard and scary for her and there were even some tears, but we gave her as much support as we could with the transition while making it clear that the transition needed to be made.

 

I think that book will be a big help to you in taking charge of your own life.  You are the captain of your ship and what goes on in your life is determined by choices that only you can make.  I am here for you anytime you need to vent or talk.  Take care.

[[Mi...]]

Well see a lot of what got me arguing and upset with them over the past few years was them gently trying to push me out.  With my mom I 100% know she was doing it for the right reasons. For my dad I feel like he just wanted me gone though.  But anyway I felt so overwhelmed with anxiety and depression most of my life I felt like it was horrible they would try to nudge me at all because I didn't think I could even remotely handle it.

 

So see by you and most people's definitions a lot of my anger is unwarranted.  But I feel like nobody can know how I feel and my level of anxiety.  I do feel more confidence as I keep accomplishing things though.  It took months, but I'm happy living on my own now.  So now the main big obstacles in lfie which remain are getting a job and having relationships.  Even friendships.  I'm shy and don't make friends or have girlfriends.  Had online ones, but those just lead to disaster as I get attached.  And what's funny is I'm the most outgoing person you can be when I know someone even a little.  heck even if someone says hi to me first I suddenly stop being shy in most cases.  I'm just sos cared of rejection that I'm not comfortable unless the other person makes it obvious they're interested in talking.  Online it's kind of opposite... it always seems to be ME approaching everyone online and them usually drifting away and not tlaking to me anymore after a while.

 

I'm very close to being at peace with so many things in life I was never at peace with.  I've learned a lot.  But I'm still misunderstood in most of my intentions and I'm still unsure how I will handle a job which I must get within half a year or so or I'll be in danger of not affording to live on my own and the last thing I want is to go backwards with that.

 

edit:  oh by the way I have a vision problem/disability which is more reason why some say my parents shouldn't have nagged me to get a job and then some think they still should.  I don't like using it as an excuse because I can see fine for most things, but it does cause subtle problems people don't realize.  And I think a lot of my anxiety started by thinking people (kids) judged me because of my vision.

[[Mi...]]

I hope the book isn't only talkign about parental mistakes because I just randomly mentioned to my mom I ordered it and now she may get it too.  I don't want her to think I got it because I think she's horrible or something.  I assume it's about emotions in general and not just parental situations.

[[Wa...]]

No, the book doesn't focus solely on parental mistakes.  It does some, but more how we ourselves deal with and handle things.  I think your mom will love the book and it won't hurt her to look into some of her own issues.  The fact that she is willing to is a really positive thing.  I have shared the book with my daughter when she broke up with a boyfriend and was depressed for what seemed like forever.  Because of the book we were able to talk openly about how I reacted to by upbringing and what effects it had on my choices and life and the same for her.  None of us are perfect and we can't "blame" others for the choices we make, but it helps alot to understand why we made some of those choices so we can make better ones next time (or repeat good ones). 

 

Also, I know alot of people with disabilities that are pretty independent.  I work with alot of kids that have disabilities and I have an 11 year old daughter that is Autistic.  (Not Aspergers (sp?)Syndrome or something milder, but full blown Autism.)  She will probably need some kind of care the rest of her life, but we still have forced her into situations that scares her to death in order for her to grow.  She would (and still does sometimes) scream and cry, but eventually she gets more and more comfortable and then even stops crying and after a really long time, actually starts liking it.  As a result of this pushing she is actually quite social for an Autistic kid and even likes people.  She will talk to them and has gained great language skills.  No she still can't write her name or count to 20, but the fact that we can take her out in public and fewer and fewer people notice "she is not normal" is a huge plus.  So, don't be too hard on your parents.  They may not always go about things the right way, but most of the time they really do have your (their kids) best interests at heart.

 

Finally, stop with the Internet relationships and go out and meet real people.  I know it is getting harder and harder to do these days with technology and people are becoming more isolated and less social than the use to be because of it, but you really have to make the effort.  My son (now 26) had a friend like that.  Very good looking guy but very, very shy.  Kept to himself, never went out, didn't meet people except online.  Finally he became a Christiain (long story) and started going to Church.  He had to try a few before he found one with "college age" singles, but he did.  Not very long after that he met a cute girl and now they are married and very involved in the Church and very social people.  They entertain, have camping parties, etc.  I can't believe it is the same shy kid we've known since 8th grade!  You can do it Midnight.  It sounds like you are off to a really good start and taking the right steps.  Keep it up!

[[Mi...]]

Thanks for the post.  Nothing to disagree about with it.  All makes sense.  And rgeat that your daughter has done so well.  One therapist thought I had one of the milder forms (aspergers) but I don't think she was right at all.  There were only vague similarities.  By thre same token though, sometiems parents are overprotective (obviously) of special needs children so I really think I got dependant on my parents as far as due to my vision problem.

 

And yeah online relationships have just driven me crazy.  And now all these people are threatening me on a site and accusing me of thigns which are untrue solely because they don't agree with my dating preferences.  it's pathetic.  One of them (a woman) said she hopes my mom dies.

[[Mi...]]

I keep feeling too good.  It's kind of weird.  I've been feeling the best ever and then I think wait I've got to find something else to bring me down.  For instance I'm handling my mom's cancer well despite in past years NEVER feelign I could handle something like that.  I'm realizing how much I've learned and through hard mental work I've seemingly (through God, I guess) got much stronger and think much more rationally.  The more I go through the more I realize I can handle more than I thought and I can think rationally and feel happy.  But I'm unsure how the benzo playing  part.  I hope stopping it doesn't then make me suddenly not feel this good.

[[Mi...]]

My mom checked out a different book of his from a library and said she liked how some things were worded so far.

 

Anyway well I still feel great.  Nice to have no effects from tapering my med and in general happier than EVER before.  Main thing about my own life I am worried about is making myself get a job in time to be able to afford another year at this apartment without having a cosigner.  When you go over 30 years with no job no matter how good you feel it's not easy to get out of that frame of mind where there's fear.

 

I "wish" I had a girlfriend and some other things out of life, but getting a job is really the only thing I ened to do to truly feel like a normal person.  lol  It's the main thing I feel has been a "problem" I need to solve.  Never lived on my own and now I like it a lot and so that's one major hurdle I got past now if only I could get a job and like the job.  My confidence would be as high as possible then.  Already much more happy, confident, and pleased with myself and life in most areas lately.

[[Wa...]]

Hi Midnight,

 

I'm so glad you are feeling better.  You sound much more optimistic.  So, you want a job?  Are you applying for any?

[[Mi...]]

No still haven't aoplied for any and I have no clue what ones I would want.  Any time I looked in the past I couldn't even understand by job title what in the world half the jobs were and then the other half want you to have experience.  Also I'm trying to be off the benzo to be sure I dont get a job then suddenly have to quit like some people coming off benzos.

 

I'm bored, stressed, and lonely though.  I'm happy, but stressed trying to make some decisions.

[[Wa...]]

While your waiting you could work on your resume and cover letter.  You will need these.  There are lots of good samples online.  Also, you could search for jobs online and submit resume and cover letters just to practice.  You need to get into the job search mode before you run out of time since you have a deadline.  It took my daughter 7 or 8 months to find another job after she quit one she didn't like (much to her surprise) and she has experience.  She ended up taking a job for a marketing place.  She is one of those people that call people on the phone and ask if they want to participate in a survey.  (The people we always hang up on.   She hates it but it helps pay the bills until she can find something better.  The way the economy is it is taking most people a long time to find work.  Applying for jobs online is pretty painless and low risk as you don't have to go in and see people face to face.  Then after awhile, when your feeling better (and brave) you can start applying for jobs in the newspaper, through Work Source, etc.  It really is a long process unless you know someone that can get you on somewhere.  What skills do you have?