Weak Mind

[[...]]

Don't over-analyse the dreams.  I had some shockers during withdrawal - all involved very real situations with people who were close to me.  Seems some of us get these horrible dreams during withdrawal.  But mine have disappeared - now I have "normal" dreams again.  Just tells me these drugs play havoc with our brains.

[[Mi...]]

I'm pretty sure I've had bad dreams related to family even before meds though.  I'm so confused what to think anymore.  It's amazing that when i try and try and try to feel more at peace with family something is still trying to make me mad or bitter of scared and then it goes into my dreams.  I don't know how to stop it when I keep WANTING tos top it and it still not happen.  Then I feel guilty for how I've felt or what I've had dreams about when I've tried and tried not to think that way.  I want to be at peace with everyone and it's upsetting that the more I try the more I feel bad.

[[...]]

Maybe you're expecting too much of yourself.  I know I can never be at peace with everyone around me.  I tried for many years to keep the peace in our family and this is where it got me.  I don't know your family obviously, but it seems families can be notorious for bring out the worst in us.  First we must be at peace with ourselves, then we can look to others.  IMO until you get the benzo completely out of your system you can never have true peace within - the benzo doesn't seem to allow it.

 

Just allow yourself time to heal - do the best you can with relationships.  I know many people who have lost partners and friends whilst going through benzo withdrawal.  I was extremely irritable and short tempered during withdrawal and said some hurtful things to my husband who has been my rock during all of this.  I'm just lucky that he'd done  so much research and kind of knew where I was coming from.  A  less patient person who have been long gone by now.  Scary.

 

Dream are just that - dreams.  Where they come from, I certainly don't know.  Just don't read too much into them.  It's day to day life that really matters.

[[Mi...]]

I don't even care if I'm at peace with most family members.  it's mostly my parents and online people I care about.  How I get attached to online people I dunno.  But lately it;'s mostly been me feeling I'm way udnerappreciative of my parents.  They're constantly doing things for me and I don't just stop and appreciate it and I still am sometimes nervous around them expecting them to criticize me.  But my mom will sya they didn't really ever criticize me and when I think about it they didn't do so as much as I keep somehow thinking...  They more just pushed me to do things that are hard for me to do.  And like everyone else they have flaws and they do say things that I think aren't right for them to say and I feel bad soemtimes.  But then again I'm sensitive so some of it is me caring too much.

 

I just don't want to have bitterness and I sure don't want to stop tlaking to them and avoid them.  I feel like although I do have the right to let them know they shouldn't say certain things or talk in annoyed tones sometimes, I'm still greatly udnerappreciating what anyone does for me.  So then I feel bad about myself.  And religiously I never feel how I think I should either.  A lot of my life is me feelign ways I don't want to feel.

 

Is there an email icon under my stats?  It's there for me and I'm wondering if it's just me seeing it or others.  Because I do have it set to not show publicly.  I've already noticed before I dumbly posted another of my email addresses on another site in an actual post and now my issues show up in searches and not many people want their psychological issues showing up in searches for those knowing their email addy.  lol

[[Mi...]]

As usual I keep going to bed later and later each day until my body ends up gettignall confused from that.  I don't need that crap going along with the medicine change to make my brain even more weird.  I'm not in bed for last night still and it is 10 AM.

 

Overall I still feel good, but at times I'm shaky and also still worrying about some things unrelated to the med.

[[st...]]

Hi Midnight,

 

While I was withdrawing from Xanax and shortly after all my thoughts were about me, my past and family.  They were not rational thoughts.  Thank goodness it didn't last too long.  I think you are doing a great job getting off the Klonopin.  I think children tend to underappreciate their parents until they have their own children and then it is 'BAM' a reawakening of 'now I know what my parents thought or went through'.  Good parents tend to push their kids a bit because they want them to aspire to greatness.....but we know that 'greatness' is about leading a healthy, happy life, don't we?

 

Glad your symptoms aren't too overwhelming.  Keep plugging along. 

 

Patty  xo

[[Mi...]]

I just think it will be disappointing if my parents are already gone and then I regret not showing appreciation more.  But then again they certainly haven't been remotely close to eprfect in showing how they feel either.  Sigh.

 

ANyway I have been up for almost 25 hours changing my sleeping back close to normal by purpossely staying up.  And I haven't taken the emd in almost 24 hours either.  And oddly I feel much better than when I got up.  I would have assumed my body would be wanting more medicine way before 24 hours, but in reality I feel much better.  It makes me wonder yet again if maybe slowly tapering isn't always best.  But who knows.  I personally did always wonder why you're supposed to taper amount per day rather than go longer and longer between tkaing any med at all though.  Seems to me like going logner itnervals with none in you would stretch it out better than the normal way of doing it.

[[Kc...]]

I'm so glad you're not being hamerd with horrible symptoms, you're lucky.I agree about the longer intervals, at the end of my taper I decided to do every other day for a while to see if I could even handle one day without meds then I did every two days for a few weeks actually before I finally stopped, some might disagree but I think it actually helped get me used to going full days without it.

[[...]]

I just think it will be disappointing if my parents are already gone and then I regret not showing appreciation more.  But then again they certainly haven't been remotely close to eprfect in showing how they feel either.  Sigh.

 

ANyway I have been up for almost 25 hours changing my sleeping back close to normal by purpossely staying up.  And I haven't taken the emd in almost 24 hours either.  And oddly I feel much better than when I got up.  I would have assumed my body would be wanting more medicine way before 24 hours, but in reality I feel much better.  It makes me wonder yet again if maybe slowly tapering isn't always best.  But who knows.  I personally did always wonder why you're supposed to taper amount per day rather than go longer and longer between tkaing any med at all though.  Seems to me like going logner itnervals with none in you would stretch it out better than the normal way of doing it.

 

You are actually taking quite a gamble by dosing that way..although it may work for you...we have had several members try that method..with poor results....you are really messing with your body by erratic dosing and your blood levels will not remain normal....we had a member suffer weeks and weeks of insomnia...by doing what you are doing...

 

I am not saying it won't work for you....because it might....you aren't on a very high dose...so you may find you are able to get off the med that way without problem...the key is to finding what works for you....everyone is different with this stuff.....most people that would try what you are doing would get bad interdose withdrawals....you won't generally feel Klonopin wd for several days by dosing that way....it may even take a week to catch up to you......I hope it doesn't catch up to you at all....and you have a smooth ride...you are certainly taken the road less traveled...but that doesn't mean it will have a bad outcome..

 

TC

[[Mi...]]

I'm not intentionally messing with the dose or seeing how long I can go without it.  It was just becasue I stayed up 22 hours to change my sleeping pattern.  I was simply wondering about it though.  I've definitely gone 24 hours without the med many times and had no problem, but only once in a blue moon.

 

Now today despite feling crappy I lowered again.  Amazingly as soon as I swallowed the lower dose some symptoms went away.  it seems that even one eighth of a pill kills symptoms still in the beginning.  I used the pill cutter still so its going to be a bit off on the doses since I'm down into eighths, but it's still got to be better than cutting by a fourth anyway.  I wasn't THAT far foff from cutting proper eighths.

 

I really hope I do get off of this fine because I do think I'm bound to feel better when it's not affecting me anymore.  Mostly anger issues.  I've always had some anger issues in that i overreact, but on this med i've got angry for seemingly dumb reasons.  Really all of my problems I worry about are related to me simply not being comfortable around people and suspecting they will hurt me in some way.  If I could stop the anger and assumptions so much of my life could be much better.  i'm sure my lack of a job is due to fear the people at work would upset me too.  i guess.

[[Mi...]]

I once again feel great.  Apparently no matter what dose I take or how quickly I lower it I just keep doing great.  I've only had probably 2 truly bad days since lwoering doses and they were likely due to things other than the med anyway.

 

Today I got exercise and I just feel so strong and also when I worry I'm somuch better about not letting the worry get carried away.  Now if it turns out my mom doesn't have cancer I expect to feel great for sure.  That's really the main concern at the moment.  I hope the med itself isn't a large part of me being more calm and rational in my thinking.  it would be nice if this is the real me knowing how to deal a bit better with problems.  I've learned a lot over the past few years and worked hard at changing my thinking and it would be nice if I finally got a lot of it to click.

 

I wish i could just lower my dose yet again since it ekeps not phasing me.  But I guess I should try to make it a week first.  But see this is wo weid that I feel JUST AS GOOD as on any of the other doses.  So it's not only that Im doing good, but also doing AS good as any other dose.  it's as if the dose doesn't matter for some reason.

[[Mi...]]

I don't really understand this.  Now I feel too good as if I think I sholuldn't feel this good and am almost tlaking myself into feeling worse.  And it's been 12 or 13 gours since my last small dose and I don't feel the ened to take the current dose. Nothing feeling like my body wants more.  I keep forcing myself not to cut by some large amount, but it seems no matter how much I cut it's really doing nothing different to me.  Those days i felt bad were likely coincidence as I'm now feeling exactly how I did before I evern started cutting even though I'm taking only one third what i origiinally was.

 

One day I felt depressed, but thatw as because of my mom not the emd.  A couple days I had more anxiety than normal but no other symptom.  Didn't sleep well a couple nights but it was because I changed my sleeping schedule abruptly.  Now when back sleeping normal hours and everything I feel great.

[[Mi...]]

Sorry to keep posting so many.

 

Just wanted to mention that now my inprecise pill cutting has become annoying since I take different sizes for my two doses.  lol  Some pieces are now apparently in between one fourth and one eighth to the point of me not being able to tell which they're supposed to be.  lmao.  I was going to count to be sure how many of each I had already cut, but I cant even remember when I cut the pill!  So apparently I may be off a time or two due to being confused.

 

I'm still feeling zero side effects.  Zero.  Nothing. No depression or anxiety or anything.  When i cut again I'm tempted to cut out the morning dose totally rather than cutting the night dose to be taking two even ones.  I hate to mess with the night dose still and also I wonder if it may be good to start going 24 hours at a time with none in me rather than spread out the even doses and suddenly go to 24 hours between right at the end more abruptly.

[[Pa...]]

Wow, no effects, this is great!  Just keep doing what you're doing, apparently it's working for you.  Not sure just taking it once a day is a good idea, personally I wouldn't want to mess with success!

[[Kc...]]

I too cut out my morning pill first and found it extremely helpfull because it gave me a chance to get used to going without for the day and then helpd out a bit at night I think its a good idea to do what you're body tells you, sometimes we can read too much into the rules...but that's just my opinion and I did my taper differently then most. Congradulations Midnight on doing so well with youre tapering, I'm glad to see that youre feeling better then you were a while ago, I hope it keeps going this way for you.

[[Mi...]]

yeah probably different for different people.  so far I've apparently guessed right with what my body wanted. lol

 

Hoenstly over the past year I've gone so many days having interdosage withdrawal I think my body doesn't even care if  go 24 hours between doses.  But who knows.

 

I change my sleeping crazily all the time such as staying up 24 hours before going back to bed and my body never really seemed to be craving more of the med.  I really think my body doesn't get addicted to substances easily, but yet for some odd reason I get addicted to "things" such as wanting to do certain patterns....  I'm a weird combo of easily addicted and easily not addicted.  lol

 

now my mom has cancer, but I somehow think positively and am handling practically ALL issues in my life betetr.  I'm not sure if me trying to change my mind finally clicked, lowering the emd halped, or if it's still the med making me less anxious.  Tough knowing but I sure feel great other than I wish my mom was fine.  They dont think it spread at least though.

[[Mi...]]

COnsidered already lowering the dose, but unlike the times my body has said move on now I had a ehadache.  Unrelated to withdrawal, but I'm being smart enough to not lower a night dose when I have a headache where I dont have TWO things bothering me at once.  lol

 

Now I still am trying tod ecide though whether to cut the morning dose totally out thursday or cut the night dose in half.  I see positives from either direction.  Maybe it will become clear to me.

 

edit:  ya know hoenstly I'm unsure if I should even stop the med totally anyway.  When you feel the ebst you've ever felt it doesn't exactly seem pressing to change what you're doing to feel good.  I feel perfect and keep not having withdrawal so it makes me wonder if it could be that the emd is doing nothing OR it could mean that it's working, but I'm nowhere near addicted.  My thinking is GREAT now and it's hard to know if the med itself is helping that happen or if it's all due to somethign clicking in my thinking.  When you have zero bad symptoms and feel the best ever it's tough to say ok well time to change everything.  I guess I'll just see how things seem to go, but I mean I feel nearly PERFECT and honestly I think it's nearly impossible to fel better than I've been feeling and who knows if it will continue if I have no med in me.  Blah.  Becuse when I swallow the med it does seem to immediately relax me even more.

[[Pa...]]

Midnight,

 

It's totally your decision to withdraw from the drug or not, everyone has to make this choice for themselves.  If it's working for you, then of course you'd want to stay on it.  If it turns on you, like it did for us, then I hope you'll make the right choice for you.

 

Pam

[[Mi...]]

Great... now I can't even tell which of the pieces are one eighths.  lmao.

 

I just took the smallest one so it was probably really like one sixteenth or something.  lol

 

I think to be at least a LITTLE more sure I'll cut some more pills and since I have two bottles here I'll put the current cuts into a different one and not use them unless I run out of the ones I know are one eighths.

 

See I've even been off rather than precise and I still never have symptoms.  lol  I think I'm just flat not addicted for some reason and likely could have come off faster than this.  At least that's how it seems thus far.  I'll be a tad off on sizes from day to day and don't get any bad side effects.

 

For now my plan is to lower the night dose tonight which would have me down to two even doses of one eighth of a pill.  Then I MAY not evenw ait a week before eliminating the morning dose as that's easier to get rid of than the night one I'm sure.  Then personally if I don't have bad effects when totally off then I won't hesitate to use the pill as needed from then on because it sure seems like for some reason i'm not truly physically addicted.

[[Mi...]]

Great now I'm not 100% sure if I took close to one eighth.  lol  I may wake up feeling good and think I did fine with my latest taper and it really end up that I accidentally took closer to one fourth still.  Apparently I'll have to do what I said and re-cut some new pills because it's kind of hard to judge these.  Several look closer to one fourth, but who knows.  I'm really being precise apparently.  lol

[[Mi...]]

Since I truly started tapering it's only been barely over 3 weeks and I've cut out 75% of my dose.  My head feels a bit weird today, but that's happened for a couple days after every drop in dose I think.  I think I've done good by alternating which dose I cut because then it's 2 weeks before a dose is actually cut.  One or the other every week, but one particular dose stays as it is for 2 weeks at a time.

[[Pa...]]

I don't have any experience with tapering, but if this is working for you, then I'm glad. 

[[Mi...]]

Thanks.  Wlel one thing's for sure... it's annoying trying to cut into eighths.  In some cases I ended up with only a crumb cut off of it.  I originally was cutting by one fourth on each dose loweing..., so if I'm off by a bit now I don't care since it's still better than had I goen from one fourth to zero.  I'm barely using any at all now anyway so just a week or two of doing this and I'll be off of it totally and I think they're close enough to one eighth to where I'll be fine.

[[Mi...]]

My head's really bothering me today and a little anxious.  Apparently cutting that night dose bothers me much more than cutting the day one.

[[Gm...]]

My head's really bothering me today and a little anxious.  Apparently cutting that night dose bothers me much more than cutting the day one.

 

Was your sleep effected?