Post Benzo Freedom Withdrawal Support Group

[[Ma...]]

Nah, I've through this before Vertigo. Something would have to virtually fall off before I'd run to a doctor. You wouldn't believe the stuff that's happened. I thought of you, I had a breakout that I swear was like a mini attack of shingles. Awful painful welts, body itching like mad, then hurting. I had another outbreak on my chest not long ago but I didn't scratch and it went right away. Thats the ticket for me, no scratching whatever it is that's happening. I'm all around just very skin sensitive, get rashes, that sort of thing. I wouldn't even consider a supplement.. but why bother. Nope, I'm fine, or at least I will be. I won't make a habit of posting, though it is nice to see you. THis was so extreme I guess I wondered.... but I don't really care that much. The key for me is to stop thinking about it. All of it. And not worry. About any of it. Which means trying to not even notice it. What's the point? If something goes seriously wrong I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually. THe key was to come off. The rest is just time and patience. Be well!!!

xxm

[[ve...]]

Any new buddies recently done or about to be done with their taper?

 

Vertigo

 

About 3 weeks left!

 

Good luck with the rest of your taper Scarlett .  Hope all goes well.

 

Vertigo

[[De...]]

Any new buddies recently done or about to be done with their taper?

 

Vertigo

 

Hi Vertigo,

 

I thought I'd join in here now as I'm 5 weeks free.

 

I'm doing okay since the jump. Insomnia is still a big problem but I'm sure that will improve with time.

 

Also I have been quite depressed since I jumped but again I know it's still very early days in terms of recovery so I'm trying to accept this symptom at this stage.

 

I'm so pleased to be now posting to the Post Benzo withdrawal support group.

 

Debbie 

[[ve...]]

Any new buddies recently done or about to be done with their taper?

 

Vertigo

 

Hi Vertigo,

 

I thought I'd join in here now as I'm 5 weeks free.

 

I'm doing okay since the jump. Insomnia is still a big problem but I'm sure that will improve with time.

 

Also I have been quite depressed since I jumped but again I know it's still very early days in terms of recovery so I'm trying to accept this symptom at this stage.

 

I'm so pleased to be now posting to the Post Benzo withdrawal support group.

 

Debbie 

 

Hi Debbie,

Congrats on being 5 weeks off the benzo.  Were you taking the benzo originally for insomnia?  That was one of the reasons I first took valium, although I also had anxiety issues.  Healing can take some time but being off the benzo is a great first step.  I look forward to hearing your progress as you continue to heal.

 

Best,

 

Vertigo

[[De...]]

Thank you for the good wishes Vertigo 

 

Yes I was prescribed the Nitrazepam for insomnia many years ago. The anxiety and depression with me developed after years of benzo use, at the time I didn't connect it.

 

I will keep you posted on my progress, I'm looking forward to it 

 

Take care,

 

Debbie x

 

 

[[ma...]]

Hi Gang.

I am tryong to adopt the same attitude as Marina....just forget about it,and maybe it will go away.

In most things that never works,but with issues around anziety,it may be the way to go.

I have recently figgured out that I have probably always had anxiety problems.I remember as a kid,maybe 10-12,that I woke up with a jolt

most mornings,and was a nervous boy for most of the day.Got a little worse as a teen(all that pent-up guilt!

And it's probably why I drank alot....mindlessly doing anything to get more comfortable I guess.

And now that I have been free of Valium for about 6 months or so,I find the old flight or fight thing is here again.

Deap breathing excercices seem to be helping quite a bit..once in the morning,again at around 4-5 afternoon,and sometimes after dinner,tho that just tends to just knock me out and a screw up any chance of a decent NIGHT"S sleep.

As you know,I have been in a rough spot for the past month.

I don't wanna jinx it,but I think it might be fading.Had a coupple day this past week that I felt almost normal.

Still had a cuple of my spells of light headedness(of the stand up too fast variety,without actually doing anything) but again,like

Marina,I am not a doctor-goin' kinda guy....certainly not after they are the ones who got me here!....If it falls off,I may think about fixing it.

So for now,I attribute any and all little wierdnesses to withdrawal.....all have been for tha past couple years anyway,so I'm trying not to worry about it all.

And with that in mind,I  am trying not to come here very often....support is great,but sometimes it's all just too much about dwelling on the obvious...y'know?

Cheers all.

m

[[ve...]]

Good points Macone.  It's not uncommon for those with anxiety to have self medicated with alcohol without really knowing why they were finding some temporary relief.  Ultimately, it can be helpful to take a mindful approach, learn meditation, breathing... as you seem to be doing, but be careful because it can be a paradox if one's goal is to "eliminate" anxiety.  One can feel more grounded or balanced, but one can not get rid of some of life's angst.  We can learn to relate to problems and stress better though.  I had quite a bit of rebound anxiety and fight/flight issues in the first 3-6 months off valium.  Things settled down a lot by six months, when I made the mistake of reintroducing small amounts of alcohol that first summer off.  I hope you will not make the same mistake I did.  I think it's best to go a year without the spirits if possible. I also had some of the light headedness which was partly elevated blood pressure.  Feel free to post when you like.  No doubt sometimes the best thing for healing is to not constantly be ruminating about one's health and recovery.

 

Take care,

 

Vertigo

[[ma...]]

No worries there V..haven't had a drink in close to 20 years.

That too is well behind me.

Thanx for your continued posts here...valuable service.

[[No...]]

3 months from last dose. I only improved a little. My life is on stand by and it's very frustrating.

 

Depression is hitting hard today as I see that this could take much more time.

[[ca...]]

3 months from last dose. I only improved a little. My life is on stand by and it's very frustrating.

 

Depression is hitting hard today as I see that this could take much more time.

 

I like your personal message "im going to make it no matter what" can I steal that from you?

 

I understand about the depression part. I think the weekends are the hardest, people are posting as much, I guess for those who can work have no desire to be online, they are out doing things. I am not there yet, this is my only support right now, and I really need this forum..

 

What are you doing about your depression? I'm depressed, but I'm numb right now. I did some healthy crying for about a minute and right now the only thing I can do is occupy myself here in benzo buddies...

 

It's sad to read so many stories - new members so scared of what to do and what is next. I wish I had found this forum when I started my withdrawal. I'm wondering how people function, with family, kids etc...

 

Good luck to you - I'm sure you will get responses and that may help with your depression...

[[gr...]]

Hi all,

 

I've been reading this thread frequently (haven't caught up to the current posts yet) as it's been one of the few sources of comfort and validation of this brutal process. I've been off benzos four and a half months now (after a year plus taper) and I'm dreadfully down right now. As I'm sure most of you experience, I'm really dealing with a lot of doubt and worry about my future.

 

Last weekend, I started feeling like my old self again, went out downtown, socialized with friends at the park, went for a pint at our local brew pub, bought some new plants for my native garden and planted them, etc. I had convinced myself that the worst was officially behind me – even the rougher days before this window were more manageable.

 

On Monday I had scheduled lunch with my boss to discuss my current employment status. I am on FMLA – but that is set to run out on July 2nd. I'm probably not in imminent risk of losing my job until September, but July will be the last month I can receive any employment benefits like health insurance. I woke up in Monday morning feeling anxious and within a few hours, it felt like I was totally back into the wave. The lunch was OK – but when we got to talking about my extended illness running out and figuring out when I can come back, I started sweating and panicking inside. It's a ridiculous feeling because this is a job I've done for over two years and is one of the lowest-stress jobs I've ever had.

 

Later that night my anxiety just exploded after talking about it more with my wife – I have this horrible  feeling of  being squeezed – staying home by myself with this shit makes me feel horrible about myself and it gets worse the longer I miss work (I recognize this as irrational and I try to fight it intellectually but my frontal lobes are weak) which creates a painful acute anxiety but the idea of going to work right now is just as difficult to think about. I start sweating and my heart pounds and then I get upset at how easily it knocks me down. So the two “choices” seem almost unendurable and that itself creates its own panic and anxiety in me.

 

Tuesday, I could barely get out of bed. The myclonic jerks got worse, the tinnitus ramped up, the strange head pressure felt like it was tightening, my legs got weaker. I started to worry that my own anxiety about work brought on the wave and as my catastrophic thinking goes, I'm worrying that as long as I have this no-win situation feeling, this wave will continue. It's the first time I ever thought I caused a wave. And since then, the anxiety is creeping into every little aspect of my life – I get a pit in my stomach and an awful sense of dread in rather mundane conversations. If I can't find something I'm looking for or am having trouble expressing myself, I get swarmed with feelings of imminent doom. I've never in my life had anxiety like this.

 

Can anyone relate to this?

 

Also, for those who have had to take time off from work – how do you cope mentally with the time that you spend by yourself? I try to distract myself as much as possible – I take long walks, read, watch TV...but there are days when I just feel smothered with dread and feelings of inadequacy about not being a “productive” member of society.

[[ma...]]

"It's the first time I ever thought I caused a wave."

 

I think I have 'caused' every wave I have had.

Things will be going nicely,and then there will be some up-coming event...even a non-event...maybe just some task I have to do.

As simple as picking up one of the boys at school even!

Then I will hear this little tiny voice,way back in my tiny brain that says "oh ya...now this is gonna throw my day off,and now it will mess up my schedule,and now I just KNOW it's gonna get me all wound up,and now I'm gonna get this tension thing going,and I bet it's gonna trigger my head and gut to build,and......."

Know what I mean?...a tiny thought gets escallated WAAAAY out of proportion,by my own internal stoopid thoughts,and sure as shootin',that's exactly what happens....Wave city.For a month.

I do it to myself every time.

How to stop it?

Not a clue.

BUT....the thing that has really got me thru this last one (if it is in fact waning) is deep breathing.

Always the chance that I have just convinced myself that these silly exercises will "save" me.....but I'm gonna keep doing them,3 times a day,for as long as it works...forever even!

My .02C...for what it's worth.

M

[[ph...]]

I have a simple question. Who is able to hold a job? I did hold jobs for almost two years during the withdrawal process, which I am still undergoing, but the brain pressure accumulation that occur twice daily, dissociative feelings of not being grounded, cognitive instability, muscle aches, and fatigue issues forced me to quit my job(s) two months ago. Now, my hobby is recovery= keeping journals of progression, eating very healthy foods, being a part of this website, and performing certain alternative healing methods that mitigate my withdrawal symptoms. I am happy to share these methods if anyone is interested: If I don't get back to you for a little bit, it is because I am going out of town either tonight or tomorrow a.m and will have limited access to the internet.

[[gr...]]

Macane - I just got an audiobook of Andrew Weil focused on breathing techniques and meditation. I'm going to start listening to it soon. I've tried meditation and breathing and find myself always getting derailed by my thoughts and by that little voice that you described so well telling me "you're not going to be able to focus on this, soon you'll get antsy trying to calm yourself down...."

 

phallex82 - I worked during the entire year and a half that I took to get off the medication (one failed taper) but the mental issues I developed after my taper were so much more powerful, I couldn't do it anymore. I was crying at my desk and I would avoid any task that required me to call and interact with people.

 

But what's just as bad for me, though, is staying at home when my wife and kids leave every day. I feel useless and depressed even though I know I"m not well. The problem for me with this "illness" is that the primary symptoms I have are anxiety and depression. And those symptoms make me feel ashamed of myself for not working, so I can't settle myself down easily. I know there are people who have a lot more physical symptoms than I seem to like nerve pain and muscle tension, etc. Sometimes I wish I had more of those so I could feel more physically impaired. If that makes any sense.

 

I would LOVE to hear your methods and if you have some way of coping with the time you are spending out of work.

[[ma...]]

I share all the symptoms with the last 2 posters.

I am 6 months out,but have been in a nasty wave for the past 4 weeks or so.It seems to be clearing...the last few days have been a huge improvement.

I'm the wrong guy for sage advice,but I can tell what has been good for me.

I work in a seasonal cottage community,and my work is,mostly,April to November.Am self employed,with 4 boys,mostly grown.

My taper was long and slow...been at this almost 3 1/2 years,and jumped last October.Worked during almost all of my taper,with down-time seasonaly.Even thru winter I was able to do a little work,and tried to be outside for at least part of every day.Not easy some days,but I got out every one,if only to the garage for a few minutes(that was at my worst).

I felt alot of guilt over the things my kids missed out on when I was tapering.....youngest was 14 when this started....but they are fine and have been great.There were alot of missed hockey games(Canada here....hockey rules in northern Canada!)...and a bunch of other stuff never happened either.

GO BOSTON....

sorry,just had to get that in there....

But I had to let all that go.Have let alot of stuff go.Trick is to not dwell on what can't be changed.My kids know I love them to death.

And that's more than enough.

As men,we are strange beasts.We need a concrete reason for why eveything happens.We blame everything for how we feal.

We in recovery are the worst for this......was it something I ate,or didn't eat...breathed in,the sun,the dark,the noise,the quiet.Anything.

Had to let that go too.

Am trying to accept that pretty well every time I have been going thru a bad spell,it wasn't my diet,environment,the boys screaming,or a vitamine deficiency.Even that I was dying.

It was withdrawal.

Every time.

I found that my worst times were when I was more idle...thru winter work here is limited,and we don't have a gym,pool,or anything like that within easy access.Here,if U need exercise,even a little bit,U gotta make yer own.

Not that I felt like exercise....not even a little bit at some times.For most of this time,even a tiny bit of exertion got the head tight,the tension beginning,and the anxiety ramping...heart palps,the lot.

So there has been alot of TV and couch surfing.With an extra 30-40 lbs on the side.(lower belly and groin actually).

I am NOT getting on that scale...not now.

Kinda let the fat accumulation go too.

So what....I'm fat.We can deal with that later.

It's late spring here now,and work is busy...I feel alot better for it.

That and this "letting go" bit.

And then there's the deap breathing exercises.

Life saving.

3 times a day.....first after pounding down some protein for breaky,no sugar,no cereal,no OJ.

Again after a late afternoon nap,and again(usually) late evening.

This breathing thing has been a recent discovery.Read about others doing it for 3 years now.

I am not into the whole self-help thing.Typical moron guy I guess.And there is this other thing too.....

I'm of the misguided mind that ,even if everyone is telling you that the breathing thing will work,will make you feel better,

will offer huge relief...I am the kind of idiot who thinks "ok,so what if it doesn't help...then what?...

Better not try it,cuz then I will have nothing!"

Men need a back-up plan!

See?....Crazy thinkin'!

So, do that...the breathing thing....lie on yer back,head on pillow,get comfy.Breath in slowly,deep,belly-filling breath...

Hold just a second,release slowing thru mouth.Repeat after a second or 2....no hyperventilating allowed.Relaxation starts in the diaphram and U can feel it going out yer toes.

10 minutes...longer if U like...I find 10 minutes about right.

Do it when U feel the tension and anxiety building,and then do it regulary even if U don't.

It works.Especially in the morning...that whole cortisol ,fight or flight thing.

I still smoke.Yes,I am evil.I get that.Leave me alone.I will deal with that later too.

That said,there is a very obvious relationship to me anxiety from the smokes......I get nervous,I smoke more.

Endless cycle, that one.I just have to pay attention and keep the cigs a little further out of reach.Stopping now is NOT an option tho.

So I let that one go too.Later,dude,later.

Over all,I think the best advice I can give is to stop dwelling on your recovery.

One of you guys mentioned that you seem to spend most of your time 'dealing with' your recovery....that it has become your hobby.

Danger,Will Robinson!

I don't post here much...did in another group that closed a few months back.....but not anymore.

Let it go.....get the info you need and move on.

Support is great,and don't get me wrong,having this forum has been fantastic......but don't make it what you do with your time.

GET OUT....move around...baby steps if you gotta.Stertching is great too....gets all the nasty crap outa yer muscles.

My worst times were extended waaay longer when I spent alot of time reading forum posts,diagnosing my "condition",and generally dwelling on this horrible passage.

Anyone who has spent more than 24 hours reading this forum has all the information they will ever need.

You know the foods and other things that act as triggers for most people.You know what to aviod.You know that there are no magic bullets.

When U feel like crap and need some commisrating,come on in and read a few...do a search,and post your concerns,by all means.That's what it's here for.But I do not recommend spending your day at it.

It's been  an amazing journey,this recovery thing.Huge learning experience.I gave up booze 20 or so years ago.....this is nothing like that.That was easy.

This is easy for some folks too....but if yer watching this thread,then it hasn't been all that easy for you.

Thing is,it WILL pass.All this crap will be gone one day.I'm not much for the idea that words of hope can heal.....but the idea that  there is

some kind of comfort in knowing others in the same situation is a good one.

I broke my back in my mid 20's...am mid 50's now....and the hospitals wouldn't put me in even a double room,let alone the single I wanted.Nope...all chronic pain cases went to the wards.6 guys all in killer pain.It worked tho.....support among us guys there was tangible.

Still think about those guys even 30 years later....we were tight.Huge part of that recovery.

So I do understand the value of this forum.

Anyways...I've been at this too long....missed dinner time!

Oh ya..eat regular meals at regular times.

But you know that already.You know most of it already.

Turn off the computer and do something else.Or do nothing.

Just don't do this all the time.

Stop dwelling...nothing is gonna come of that.

till next time....

Mac

[[gr...]]

Thanks Macone, good words. I really enjoyed reading that, made me feel better.

[[pa...]]

day 65 of benzo free.

never ever anticipated that this would be so hard.

got symptomatic immediately after taking benzo and other poisons. has been homebounded for a year now because of this.

imbalance of brain chemical, damage to central nervous system and autonomous nervous system are just killing me now, because i am starting to get my consciousness. suppose to be grateful for this improvement, but it's the other way around.

having so much anger and frustration of how i got into this situation. getting too fearful and anxious for this situation.

still have a lot of severe physical and mental symptoms.

how could anyone live like this for a year with all those nasty and horrendous symptoms?

i do not even remember who i am or how i used to be anymor

[[No...]]

The thing that is driving me insane is the fact that no one can guarantee me that this will pass. No doctor here knows about this and they all blame my symptoms to depression or gad.

 

At first I thought this took a couple of months. Then I read that it could take more months then I read it could take years then I read this could be permanent.

 

My GF supports me and most important, she believes me when I say this thing does exist.

 

Well, yeah, you got it right. I'm right on a wave. This is one of those days when I have no choice but to spend the whole day in bed.

 

I'm scared

 

[[pa...]]

The thing that is driving me insane is the fact that no one can guarantee me that this will pass. No doctor here knows about this and they all blame my symptoms to depression or gad.

 

At first I thought this took a couple of months. Then I read that it could take more months then I read it could take years then I read this could be permanent.

 

My GF supports me and most important, she believes me when I say this thing does exist.

 

Well, yeah, you got it right. I'm right on a wave. This is one of those days when I have no choice but to spend the whole day in bed.

 

I'm scared

permanent? ugh.

[[ma...]]

Never once,in the thousands of posts I have read,here and elsewhere,did I ever hear

anyone say this problem can remain permanent.

But i guees I could be wrong.

However,the way I hear it is....if U started out before benzos with anxiety issue,they will likely remain.

 

[[Bl...]]

I tapered directly off Xanax and have been free since May 3rd 2013.

 

Blue

[[ca...]]

I tapered directly off Xanax and have been free since May 3rd 2013.

 

Blue

 

blue - you've only been off xanax since may 3rd of this year? how are you feeling? i look to see if you had a blog or story and could not find anything - today i have been off xanax for 6 months, and i am miserable. i had a good day yesterday but today feeling crappy again.

[[Bl...]]

I tapered directly off Xanax and have been free since May 3rd 2013.

 

Blue

 

blue - you've only been off xanax since may 3rd of this year? how are you feeling? i look to see if you had a blog or story and could not find anything - today i have been off xanax for 6 months, and i am miserable. i had a good day yesterday but today feeling crappy again.

I hung out on the Xanax discussion blog during my taper. Never felt the need to start my own blog. Sorry you are feeling crummy today. I am having a fairly good day today. Went out for a short walk with my dog, did laundry and then went out for lunch. What is kicking my butt is getting back in the work force. I have lost confidence in myself and my abilities. But the only way I am going to get it back is to get out there.

 

Blue

[[Bl...]]

I tapered directly off Xanax and have been free since May 3rd 2013.

 

Blue

 

blue - you've only been off xanax since may 3rd of this year? how are you feeling? i look to see if you had a blog or story and could not find anything - today i have been off xanax for 6 months, and i am miserable. i had a good day yesterday but today feeling crappy again.

Congratulations on being 6 months free today. What symptoms are the most bothersome to you?

 

Blue

[[ca...]]

I tapered directly off Xanax and have been free since May 3rd 2013.

 

Blue

 

blue - you've only been off xanax since may 3rd of this year? how are you feeling? i look to see if you had a blog or story and could not find anything - today i have been off xanax for 6 months, and i am miserable. i had a good day yesterday but today feeling crappy again.

I hung out on the Xanax discussion blog during my taper. Never felt the need to start my own blog. Sorry you are feeling crummy today. I am having a fairly good day today. Went out for a short walk with my dog, did laundry and then went out for lunch. What is kicking my butt is getting back in the work force. I have lost confidence in myself and my abilities. But the only way I am going to get it back is to get out there.

 

Blue

 

blue - again thanks for sharing.

 

it seems as if you got a lot done. i have not accomplished much today, but am grateful for this outlet..

 

i can't imagine having to work when feeling like this - i wish you luck. sorry you have lost "confidence in yourself" and your abilities - i'm not sure what i feel - i'll be here for a while it seems.

 

good luck, i hope you start feeling better about yourself, at least you are here and you are sharing, i think that is a huge step...

 

going out to lunch sounds good - i'm not there right now but look forward to another good day and taking advantage of it...