Help with deciding whether to updose further

[[bo...]]

Reinstated fully to the 10mg I was on before my failed overly-rapid taper. Did so reluctantly, and post about it with some trepidation as the decision to do so doesn't match what many others have advised or done themselves. But we're all different, and I think I'm still acting within the bounds on sense and reason, to find the right path for me through this.

 

I've had good days and bad trying to stick at lower doses the past month since abandoning the stupid 1mg/week taper down from 10mg with my Pdoc sent me off to do. While I've had OK moments in there, things have deteriorated to the point where I barely scraped through at work (I'm a teacher on Australian summer break holidays now and could not have taught the past couple of weeks), and I've been a basket case as a father and husband for a couple of months. I've been depressed, agitated, up all sorts of hours of the night with GI problems and buzzing brain, and I've felt like a horrendous toxin has overtaken my body, with symptoms shifting around day to day and week to week, debilitating beyond what I can cope with. Yesterday I feel to pieces and sobbed for a long time, and the same again early this morning as I talked through with my wife the options, and we agreed together to do full reinstatement to 10mg and stay there until as well as possible. Neither my GP or Pdoc (who are both on holidays) would have been of any assistance - after many years of various taper attempts I know exactly what they think, and in my case they are wrong.

 

If you have had success via a different path, great. I know there is risk in this, that I won't feel as good as I'd like back at the reinstated dose, but I think it's the smartest option in my situation and with my history. I have not done this unthinkingly, but it would be fair to say I have done it in some desperation - I must have, as I've putting back a future free of benzos by many months or more. But the choice to me today is pretty much long-term separation from my family and work, as I go on for who-knows-how-long living a twilight life of fragile struggling non-coping blaaaah, or I function properly, get on with life as best I can and build the strengths and reserves to taper again one day. I know exactly how I'd approach tapering when the times comes.

 

I'm not recommending updosing/reinstatement as a course of action in general. I still value the sage advice I've had on this thread, and look forward to continuing the conversation. I'll keep you posted how it goes - maybe I start a progress log. Read back up the thread and you'll see I've had to move my thinking around a number of times these past few weeks and months.

 

Thanks for your ongoing encouragement and support - comment away about my course of action, but respect my choice and continue to journey with me.

[[Sm...]]

Bolders don't feel you have to explain yourself.

Many many people on here have reinstated successfully and gone on to have a smooth-ish albeit slow taper.

Again I recommend you check out the Valium Support Group in the support group section. There are a few on there who have had to reinstate or up-dose substantially/frequently. Those that are pro updose outnumber those who are anti at least in the threads I move. But in any case what other people think doesn't matter. You wanted to start a-fresh with your new found knowledge and I for one completely understand.

I also went up to my original dose. I don't love being this far from my goal but my life is virtually symptom free as I slowly go down. I choose the time and frustration over the hell that is benzo withdrawal. And like you I'm a teacher and we know how mentally and emotionally demanding that job is. It just couldn't be done in serious benzo withdrawal.

[[al...]]

Everyone does what they have to do to  become benzo free. I am very glad you are a peace with your decision. When you decide to taper again, I am sure you will be successful. Keep us posted....Take care. Alabama.xo

[[bo...]]

I feel so much better 2 days later. Some of the worse stuff is just fading away - am sleeping, not agitated, coping with family is up 100%, done a couple things that all seemed too hard for ages. The depression I realise will take time to lift, as my body sorts itself out. No adverse reactions straight up. Still pretty lethargic and fragile but I know things will take time. No sobbing in the bathroom and catastrophising in the middle of the night.

 

So I'm sort of heading back to where I was 6 months ago, or will be when I've taken this dose long enough to build up a constant level. In a way that sucks, but it is what it is, and I can accept it and move forward, or lose more emotional energy to what is already in the past. What I have now that I did not have then is a tonne more understanding gaining on here about what's going on, why, and how in the longer term I can work my way off in a manageable way.

 

I am absolutely sure I am growing spiritually and as a person through this process. I can only see that on a day where my thinking is in a reasonable space, like today. A glint of sunlight is breaking through the clouds.

[[al...]]